Recent Journal Entries
© October 2003 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

0310.01

Beginning a new month. Not much happening right now. That's good.
It was a nice quite day at work.
I came home and cleaned up my room a little so I could place the litter pan and the food dish. All I need now is the cat and the shopping list of what he's used to.
I spent some money that maybe I shouldn't have, but I think the $3.50 for the magazine was reasonable even if I did only want one page out of it. Travis Fimmel is a very attractive model, and soon to be Tarzan on the WB. I have one of his Calvin Klein adds on my wall, now I have another picture with his stats on it next to it.
If I can't have a boyfriend, I may as well have something very nice to look at.

.... and after a web search a file with about 350 some pictures in it.
I think he has a couple of pics that look like I image my next role playing character as. heheheh

0310.05

Everyone say hello to Spence. This is my new kitten. Right now his favorite things to do are chase the laser pointer and tackle that bell I put around his neck. I'd forgotten how much energy a kitten has (which is why I got the laser pointer - I can now run him from one end of the apartment to the other without wearing myself out). He's very curious - in fact he was walking over the keyboard trying to see what I was doing and erased everything I was doing, but somehow saved the screen capture in my clipboard.

< I don't even know exactly how he did that - but he is a very smart kitten.

He hasn't yet ceased to amaze me.
Last night he was even in my dreams with me.
    I just remember visiting all kinds of people and showing him around and him very gingerly walking around and mewing. In the visit, Greg pissed me off by telling his grandfather that I could barely,
"Ambulate to Jubilate" any longer.
I remember waking up and thinking that I was impressed with Greg's vocabulary. Then I was impressed with my dream vocabulary.

Went to the game tonight. I survived being attacked by strangers (seeming over a hand of Gin Rummy). I survived a meeting with the Garou (werewolves) after actually pissing them off by accident. I even survived the second ambush by the strangers after I had hunt them down to find out what the hell there problem was. I use the term survived loosely - I'm alive, just staked and in a freezer somewhere.

Now I'm home and watching Spence run all over the apartment.
I think his energy is rubbing off on me - I was in a great mood at work all day today.
By the way - any superstition experts out there? If a black cat breaks a mirror is that a good or bad. Does it cancel out? Double up? *L* (I just threw the mirror away.)
Jeez! I keep saving about every 30 seconds. Spence around this computer is starting to scare me. He almost turned it off playing with the light below the power switch. He was also playing with all the cords in the back. I figure he may pull something free.

Everyone seems to be offering him catnip. You know, Doctor never liked the stuff. He was about as anti-drug as I was. I don't want to raise a Nip-head, but the pressure seems to be on.

0310.07

Why does someone's enlightenment have to be my fault? *L* and yes I chose those words carefully.

To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net> Subject: Update Date: 2:55am 10/07/03

Hey : )....I just want you to know how much wisdom I've accumulated lately...this is just 3% of the pie ::chuckles:: Enjoy : )

 There is no breath without the notice of the air,
There is no love without the notice of absence,
There is no surrender without RISK,
There is no RISK without reward,

We shall live, by breathing every day,
To notice the air, the absence of air
To take risks and render ourselves unto truth,
To reap the reward of life.

I wish we could accept, and learn,
From that which is obvious.
Ere' we hide from our feelings,
That they be unpleasant,
So do we yield ourselves
To the mercy of everything,
And find no truth.

Let thyselves by accepted for all that can be,
And let not what one cannot accept in themself
Be a testament against you,
For ye by thy knowledge shall know better,
That you have already accepted thyself,
And do stride in comfort knowing.

What of our hearts? They shall come wanting
Let us fill that want, and not reject our hearts
That we may be filled, and not rejected

Surrender only to thyself, for that is all that IS
Then shall you know pure, and you shall know impure
And neither shall be more than the other
And you shall be healed.

We are what we are, regardless of how we hope otherwise
Abandon the dependence of others,
Accept the self,
Then what we are shall become more comfortable.

Of our hearts, they shall want,
And we shall bear to judge,
Or not judge, and not bear.
Judge not thy heart,
Lest you care to lose it.

Be not afraid, of that which is,
For it shall be regardless,
Let thy values speak,
Yet let them not control.
With this you shall never fail.

That which is wrong is that which IS
And that which we cannot accept.
Let affection be given without expectation,
Let that which is BE, without judgment.
Than shall it be able to change in itself.

One shall say there is no hope only,
When one does not know oneself,
And when one does not accept,
That which IS.

- James

Hmmm, one of the things that supposedly makes me an interesting
person is that I know what I DO know as well as I know what I DON'T
know...

I know that I know very little in comparison to all that could ever
be known about everything that has ever existed.

Likewise, how can we measure what Einstein knew, given that he is
relatively limited in the same way?

I think there can be no "stupidity threshold"...that is...nobody can
really say anyone else is stupid, because we are ALL relatively
stupid, constantly.

Here's a little anecdote...

My mother didn't do motherly things when I was younger. I feel she
did not properly fill the role of "mother" she did things that I
thought encapsulated such things as "whorism" and "stupidity".

Now...did I HAVE to think of her as a stupid whore? No...but that's
how I let her actions affect me.

Did thinking of her as a stupid whore make it easier for ME to deal
with her? It seemed so when I was thinking it....


But lately....with all my newfound wisdom ::chuckles::....and my
change in view about relationships and the circumstances of
relationships...I have decided that it was mere "natural progression"
for my mother to do the things she did. I can see myself reasonably
expecting her to do what she did given the circumstances, POSSIBLY
even in the absence of figuring stupidity and whorism.

Sew...now my mother isn't a stupid whore anymore.

She's a real person, with real problems.

And believe it or not (not saying this literally)....I think I'm
helping her with those problems.

Tables turn? Now I have to be her mother and provide her with what
she needs....

Funny that...

BUT....why do I care to do this?...

Because I have put a lot of hatred into the word "whore, whorism,
whorish, etc."...as well as stupid, stupidity, etc.

And I have recognized how I would use the word whorish in context of
myself when it came to certain non-traditional circumstances and
sexual activity.

For instance....the absence of monogamy and being committed to no 1
person...and having sex with multiple people---guilt-free

Before, I had labeled the above as whorish acts, and would not let
myself do those things.

Now, however, that I understand that it is not necessary to be
monogamous much less be committed to someone.....and that by having
sex and "dating" various people I build up much-needed EXPERIENCE in
order to live a more fulfilling life with that eventual "One special
person"....

Imagine being married at 18 to a guy/gal....and having no idea what
else might exist in the world....your world becomes that
guy/gal....and you are limited by their knowledge and your
own....let's say you were both 18.....and you committed to each other
in marriage or whatever that you would live the rest of your life
together...what if later down the road you learn that you don't like
each other as much as you did in the first place?

Now imagine having had friendly and sexual experiences with all sorts
of people, but doing it responsibly and with proper lines
communicated. Now you have Great Accumulated Knowledge about What
exists in the world.....you have a better understanding of the good
things about people & relationships...and you have a better
understanding of the bad things about people & relationships....you
acquire breadth in your perception, and are able to refine your goals
as far as defining "who" you want to commit to.

Also, when being free and accumulating experience, you may learn
about the different COMMON elements that you and various other people
may share.....and you may notice how well you get along with those
people that are LIKE you....and you may notice how well you get along
with those people that ARE NOT like you.

Also, the sex thing....wouldn't it be nice if you could find someone
that could please you in this way?.....how about please you better
than others could be able to?

It's easy to say "he pleases me better than anyone else" for someone
that is married and has NO CONCEPTION of anyone else pleasing them....

But then you get someone with significant experience...they
eventually figure out EXACTLY what makes them happy sexually....and
they can properly apply this knowledge to selecting a decent mate
(considering other facets of course, like knowledge, relationship-wisdom, security, etc.)....

Anyway, there IS whorism, though....where people cross the lines and
make commitments they cannot keep. Be careful if people say "I love
you" in the first month of being together. They are not being
cautious of where they put their heart. And they will likely be prone
to hurting IF they do not learn better.

Also....there are people that get stuck in the phase of accumulating
new experiences...people that hang out at bars until they're 50....

These people apparently do not want to make a commitment, or know how
to...I haven't quite figured them out yet....

But anyway....it's best to find someone that is willing to "live and
die with you"....but also willing to let you be free to see what's
out there as well as the time and distance to figure out what you
each like/dislike of each other....including guilt-free sex (no
strings attached).

Sew...I hope this helps somebody...if not, at least I've learned from
it myself while writing it...

All things Good & Bad,

All this would not exist if it weren't for you : )

Thank You,

James

Ray and I went to lunch. We talked about our weeks and then prepared to go to Best Buy for some supplies.
First the fortune cookies.
Mine:

Your skill will accomplish
what the force of many cannot.

Ray's:

If you can't decide up or down
try moving across.

Ray came over and installed the router and then looked at everything on the computer. He's making a mental list of what I will need to fix the problems. He's going to be gone a few days on a paying job that he can't believe he took. Kind of a move across. *L*

Then I sat down at the computer and after wrestling with Spence for a while, began to reply to James.

To: "James"  Subject: Re: Update Date: 02:58pm 10/07/03

You are making so much progress ... just remember the journey never stops.

"Roads are for destinations, not journeys." (From Anna and the King - attributed to Buddha).
I would like to print this - if you don't mind.

And I have a few things to point out for your thought -

I think there can be no "stupidity threshold"...that is...nobody can really say anyone else is stupid, because we are ALL relatively stupid, constantly.

You are right. There is no "stupidity threshold" ... and this goes both ways.
It was Einstein that said "Never underestimate the stupidity of people in large numbers."

Now...did I HAVE to think of her as a stupid whore? No...but that's how I let her actions affect me.

This is very observant - I applaud you.

Sew...now my mother isn't a stupid whore anymore.
She's a real person, with real problems.

One down - all the rest of us (and yourself) to go ;)

Because I have put a lot of hatred into the word "whore, whorism, whorish, etc."...as well as stupid, stupidity, etc.
And I have recognized how I would use the word whorish in context of myself when it came to certain non-traditional circumstances and sexual activity.
For instance....the absence of monogamy and being committed to no 1 person...and having sex with multiple people --- guilt-free

Before, I had labeled the above as whorish acts, and would not let myself do those things.

Or you thought you wouldn't let yourself do these things. Now you have the perspective of having been there and realizing that the circumstances drove you to an act you disliked (or hated). IF you could go back, how would it be different? Chances are that given all the exact circumstances - you wouldn't change anything. You know you are not the words you have hated for so long - so what is the explanation?
I think you should seriously consider dropping the "POSSIBLY" out of the sentence above considering your mother.
She is a real person with real problems - just like anyone else (including you).
And now even you have been driven to making decisions you don't agree with - can't necessarily defend, but did anyway.
Why?

Because it was necessary for your journey.
Needed for your experience, your wisdom and your growth.

Imagine being married at 18 to a guy/gal....and having no idea what else might exist in the world....your world becomes that guy/gal....and you are limited by their knowledge and your own....let's say you were both 18.....and you committed to each other in marriage or whatever that you would live the rest of your life together...what if later down the road you learn that you don't like each other as much as you did in the first place?

Lets imagine it.
You don't know that anything better exists. You learn to become content with what you have.
People become content in different ways. Perhaps they dwell on how miserable they are. Perhaps they divide everything up into the different worlds of men and women. Perhaps they put less and less emphasis on sex and more on the relationship ... or vise versa.
You can prevent yourself from looking somewhere else ... and being happy with what you know. Ignorance can be bliss. The desire to explore could be turned into the relationship at hand.
If a relationship is working - it is working.
If it isn't working any longer it is not a question of what you know or don't know - what you have or haven't experienced - it is a matter of exploring what changed and why, and dealing with it.

Cultures with arranged marriages have worked for thousands of years. Why? Because the relationship isn't based on something as fleeting as your feelings.

There are advantages and disadvantages to ANY situation. The question is what do you focus on? The Advantages or the disadvantages.

Anyway, there IS whorism, though....where people cross the lines and make commitments they cannot keep. Be careful if people say "I love you" in the first month of being together. They are not being cautious of where they put their heart. And they will likely be prone to hurting IF they do not learn better.

I hate to point out, but WE said "I love you" in the first month.
I did so because I recognized the signs in myself. I felt it, I meant it - I understood it.
By your own definition and actions the past few months (in regards to our relationship) then you are a whore.
I personally don't believe that - and really hope you don't either. I'm suggesting you look at your definition again.
The only thing I put into the thought process here is that different people come to different realizations in different amounts of time. Perhaps you should look at how it is said, rather then when.

Also....there are people that get stuck in the phase of accumulating new experiences...people that hang out at bars until they're 50....
These people apparently do not want to make a commitment, or know how to...I haven't quite figured them out yet....

And until you have been there, or spent sufficient time talking and actually listening to them - you won't.
My question to you now is, Do you have to figure them out?

All this would not exist if it weren't for you : )

If it where not me, it would have been someone. You had to have it.
All of this exists because of you ... take some pride in that.

Now, I'm trying to decide if I want to sleep or watch TV or DVD's. ... maybe mix all the above together *L*.

0310.08

I continue to marvel at the diversity of the man that could have ... 
The wisdom and the stupidity, the predictions and the diversity, the humor and the seriousness - Ah, here is a sample (This is just a sample because it is highly edited for just some highlights. The second one however is whole).

To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net> Subject: Purrrrrrrrr Date: 4:50pm 10/07/03

B) You are making so much progress ... just remember the journey never stops.

Thank you : ) I agree that the journey never stops, even after I am dead, but then it's not for Me to account (for me or anything else). I now view myself as Dr. Phil Jr.---I think this is the easiest way to explain my new understanding of people, relationships, and the world.

B) "Roads are for destinations, not journeys." (From Anna and the King - attributed to Buddha).
I would like to print this - if you don't mind.

I disagree, journeys are for journeys, the destinations are mere benefits. Print, post, masturbate to any of my stuff at will ; )

Being human, I shall build what I know to be good, and destroy what I know to be unenjoyable. I will try to do this with wisdom. I shall also transform what I don't know into what I do know through this process.
A LOT of people naturally think about what is "wrong" more than what is "right"...a lot of people don't stop to smell the roses, enjoy nature, enjoy people, enjoy relationships, enjoy knowledge, enjoy life, etc.
I DO (enjoy life), as much as I feel it does me good to do so.

B) I'm suggesting you look at your definition again.
It suits me fine : )

B) And until you have been there, or spent sufficient time talking and actually listening to them - you won't.
One of my favorite self-quotes "We only do not understand that which we do not wish to understand"....I didn't WANT to understand the 50-year olds at bars because I could see myself potentially becoming them if I made the wrong decisions. Therefore I had a negative emotional reaction towards the idea and avoided delving into it : ) <

B) My question to you now is, Do you have to figure them out?
Already did, and myself (A little more) ; )

All this would not exist if it weren't for you : )

B) If it where not me, it would have been someone.
Mayhab iz, mayhab izn't

B) You had to have it.
True dat : )

B) All of this exists because of you ... take some pride in that.
I do, with a sprinkle of outward modesty : )

I just hope I get paid someday for it all....hahaha
Thank you for spending your time with me....likewise I love spending my time with you (EVEN when *my Brother* is having his regular behavior, which I can COMPLETELY ACCEPT nowadays).

How's the kitty? How's the roommate? How's the tiredness? Also....TELL me that there IS HOPE, or I'll kick your ass ; )
Love, Wisdom, and Joy,
James

Do you see what I'm talking about? *L*
This next one is just funny on all kinds of levels to me.

To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net> Subject: Assorted Quotes Date: 5:34pm 10/07/03

  "I don't love my ideas all the time either....they just have priority over humans"

"By YOUR definition?"

"I am Dr. Phil Jr."

"But anyway, that reminds me...."

"I'm considering the possibility of..."

"Gooood idea! It would probably have to be very anonymous hehehehe"

"But like the main thing is for you to take a time of day to just sit back and think about things...think about how your life might be different in a good way"

"I forgot something..."

"...all I need to do now to be "perfect" is..."

"Yes you're allowed to print, post, masturbate to any of my stuff at will"

"Mistakes have a lot of good potential to become solutions"

"<Person> had a few uneasy moments yet...<I did something wonderful & they liked it>"

"I psychologically analyzed _______"

"Well I did my best (which might not be terribly good) to communicate to you that I do not like you in the same way that you like me"

"I'm attracted to all sorts of things, and so are you---we shouldn't deny ourselves the pleasures of LIFE"

"I'm doing my best to let you keep that concept....as well as not let it be your ruin"

"You don't win any quality other than what is already there (inside yourself)."

"...once people realize to accept other people for who they are (only accomplished after one accepts themself) then life is
no longer a struggle, EVEN if governments, the tooth fairy, etc. try to repress you..."

"We only do not understand that which we do not wish to understand."

"People choose to accept _____ or not accept ______---Nothing is led"

"I guess Ph.D. stands for Phenomenal Delirium"

"It's not every day you see someone like me..."

"It's not every day I see someone like you..."

"I feel it would be best for people in all their relationships to clearly express their significant values"

"You don't have a good chance for living the rest of your life with me, no---If that is what dating is for to you, then I suggest you stop dating me."

"I will not be a scapegoat or an excuse for your inability to live a happy life"

"...most things I don't think out...it 'just comes in a logical apparition'"

"All things Good and Bad"

"Be Balanced"

"Anyway, I'm tired of typing, so whatever good this is...if I die tomorrow then something wasn't lost!"

Love, Wisdom, and Joy,

James

I'm thinking of the reply to two different quotes.
Those quotes are:
"You will rue the day you did this!" -Real Genius-
"Shoochy to the bootchy?" - Blooper Reels on Chasing Amy
I look at these quotes and not only do I wonder who sends out a list of his favorite self quotes - I also think of the reply to the two previous quotes - 
"Who talks like this?"

I'm going to go back to watching TV and making Spence chase the laser pointer up Greg's back to make him break away from the computer and fill out all the applications he brought over for jobs. *Evil laugh!*

0310.09

I tried to throw a bit of an impromptu party tonight. It didn't work. But it looks like it might be scheduled for later next week. Just movies with a couple of the guys I work with and their girlfriends.

I took Spence to the Vet today. They found all his old records. He needed a few shots yet. No fleas, but he did have some ear mites. They treated the mites, gave him the shots and he practically guzzled all the de-worming stuff from the syringe. He's such a good kitten :)
Only $35. Not bad. He's scheduled for a follow up and making the plans to neuter and de-claw him.
After that, I sat down with all my bills and paid most of them. At least everything on the desk now is not past due. I'm still waiting to get some money back from TAP from my meds. With that I can pay the rest of the bills. I might have to go and check up on that.

Time for meds and bed. It's actually been a nice quite evening. Looking forward to seeing Barb tomorrow also.

0310.12

All good things must begin to fall.

HOT or NOT 7.9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 82 votes Rate me!

To: "James"  Subject: Re: Purrrrrrrrr

James,

B) If it where not me, it would have been someone.

Mayhab iz, mayhab izn't

B) You had to have it.

True dat : )

I'm beginning to think that perhaps *your brother* is a good influence on you. You are starting to lighten up and act a little more like your age. It's good for you. It is part of enjoying life - realizing when you have to be an adult, and when you can play like a child.

Thank you for spending your time with me....likewise I love spending my time with you (EVEN when *my brother* is having his regular behavior, which I can COMPLETELY ACCEPT nowadays).

So what is his normal behavior that now you accept?

How's the kitty?

Spence is fine. Playful as ever, learning all kinds of things. He even had fun at the vets. They treated his ear mites and we are scheduled for regular maintenance ;)

How's the roommate?

*He* is fine. He had a great week in tips at the Pizza place. He and *his girlfriend* are at the Ren Fest right now.

How's the tiredness?

A little better. I think Spence's energy level is rubbing off on me a little. But I still get tired quick and fall asleep a lot. My cold is better, just the cough hanging on right now. Blood work is good. All in all ... everything is fine.

Also....TELL me that there IS HOPE, or I'll kick your ass ; )

Okay - there is hope.
It's in the dictionary. It's defined. People have it, lose it, find it, share it, hold it, cherish it, loath it, deny it, protect it, survive it, live with it ....
There definitely is hope.

Hope for what?

Sorry I haven't made it up there yet. I'm starting to think that maybe next payday I might come up for the evening. Dinner and a movie to catch up with and then head back home.+96666666 -- Heheh - Spence says hi.

I'll talk to you more about it as the time gets closer.

There is a reply in the mailbox right now that I haven't yet read but the first few lines of. I would read the rest of it, and maybe share it here except that I just popped up this program for a minute to fix a couple of things before I take off to KC to see Brian (T) and his girlfriend. Brunch and a movie before I come back and watch Tarzan :D.

0310.13

Yesterday was a day of extremes for me. Very good or Very bad.
Unfortunately, I did something very stupid in there also. It was part of both the very good and the very bad.

I'm not really sure if I want to get into it right now. I have guests coming over to watch movies and eat pizza.

I did come to a realization today.
It began with the stupid thing I had done, but also moved back into the HIV deal of my life.

There is NO SHAME in anything, unless you except it.
HIV is a virus. It does not discriminate, it does not choose. There is no shame in having it. There is no reason to feel it regardless of what anyone tells you. Screw them.
There is NO SHAME, unless you except it.
The only reason to feel shame is because you want to.

That's all that I have right now.

Oh, the reply - 

To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net> Subject: Meow?

B: I'm beginning to think that perhaps *your Brother* is a good influence on you. You are starting to lighten up and act a little more like your age. It's good for you. It is part of enjoying life - realizing when you have to be an adult, and when you can play like a child.

To an extent...every time after he argues with me, he runs to dad and tells dad about how wrong I am. And I think dad is mentally attached to *My Brother* in a way, and allows *My Brother* to affect him in a negative way. Dad treats me with less respect after *My Brother* talks to him, and dad doesn't say I did anything wrong. Oh well. It depresses me that they talk to each other behind my back (I can hear them if I make the effort to listen just sitting here), since I never do that to them and I'm family anyway. Oh well. *My Brother* does NOT bring out the child in me, btw. Either people inspire me to connect with my inner child in a positive way or I consciously DECIDE to say things like "iza sayz it's a crock a shit" or whatever. What matters Most is whether I feel like I look cute when I do it and how it affects the feelings of whomever is seeing it. I never play cute with *My Brother*---he'd never understand, and would forever label me as crazy.

B: A little better. I think Spence's energy level is rubbing off on me a little. But I still get tired quick and fall asleep a lot. My cold is better, just the cough hanging on right now. Blood work is good. All in all ... everything is fine.

Hmmm, good overall...as long as there's positive progress I'm happy. I'm glad that Spence is inspiring for you....I had hoped to be similary inspiring. Alas, I need someone to inspire me in the same way hahaaha
B: Hope for what?

::smirk:: Ehhh, nevermind...as long as you're happy I don't care to probe.

B: Sorry I haven't made it up there yet. I'm starting to think that maybe next payday I might come up for the evening. Dinner and a movie to catch up with and then head back home.+96666666 -- Heheh - Spence says hi.

Awwwwww :D I bet Spence is so adorable...it's okay about not being here right now (Sunday 3 AM) hah....but I need SOMEONE....I'm not feeling well right now. Dinner & a movie sounds wonderful....last night I went out with *RM* (old roommate that I made back into a friend) and we ate dinner & watched Bad Boys II since *bf* wasn't able to email me....he's soooo busy but he's realllly a good guy....he's like the only decent guy that has me as a dating interest as far as I am aware. I'm kind of toying with the idea of having Drake as a friend w/benefits....but somehow I just don't see him being much more than a disposable ass-et.

Anyway....I cut my own hair today...so I'll look 60 years old for a few days due to the errors in my technique....I think it's worth $10 not having to be spent....eventually maybe I'll be able to know how to do it exactly how I want it in all various sort of ways and look absolutely fabulous once I'm done...who knows...

Right now I just feel like sharing things with you because I feel bad and I might as well update you anyway. I typed to this one guy...he's ummm...mystical in a way...he's 19....kinda cute....has a wonderful sense of humor...doesn't subscribe to group-think....so I'm having fun feeling like I'm fucking up with everything I type to him....oh well.

I guess I'll paste a couple things....so you know what kind of mindset I've been in lately...

"Anyway, I guess an update on how I'm doing academically...I am currently
trying to develop a new "science" so-to-speak. I'm calling it Symbolic
Management, and it's really just me tying Management Accounting to Jungian
Psychology (currently in a global view this is what is happening in various
pockets of knowledge---fields are being integrated, like neurology with
genetics, etc.). So far I seem to have thoroughly impressed my instructors
without making them feel like I think I know more than them hehehe. And it
took me longer to do my assignments for the week this time...because I
actually read the textbooks...because I was actually interested in the
classes. I know I could do it all rush rush and still get 4.0 in the end,
but I think there's more value in extrapolating on the ignorance in the
textbook. The other important thing in my life right now is applying all
these things I'm learning/developing to become rich. Right now I'm
considering myself a Business Engineering Consultant and trying to negotiate
with 3 companies, one of which is a Fortune 50. I can save them millions of
dollars with my ideas, and they can pay me oh, about $297,000 for each
project : D We'll see how far I get. Wish me luck, please. I'd be happy to
make a bunch of money and be able to pay off Kaplan hahahah, not to mention
be able to buy my own selection of books, a better computer, etc. etc. etc.
Doing "OK" in my personal life...it's becoming more and more difficult
trying to find someone that is like me, so I'm taking up an "Or Best Offer"
policy ; )"

The above I wrote to my academic advisor (after a bunch of academic-related stuff...)....I want to note that I never really cared to find someone like me (enough to make any objective)....right now I just want someone that will make me happy at least half the time....hard to do I guess...but I do have a policy where it's like....well....I'll think about having a RTL either after I have my MS degrees done OR if the right person comes along.....and if the right person hasn't come along by then, then I'll take the OBO....by then I will probably have gone through 30-50 guys or whatever and maybe I'll have gotten lucky. Below are the standards for which I rate guys that I think are worthy....and I also plan to make myself all 5's in the below scale....

RAW Potential Candidate Index (Rating Scale)  (Side note: Gotta name it something important-sounding lmao)

Knowledge: 1 = HS Diploma 2 = BS 3 = MS 4 = Innovator 5 = Professional Genius

Security: 1 = Spends money on me 1 time per month 2 = Spends money on me 2 times per month 3 = Spends money on me 3+ times per month 4 = Is inordinately wealthy 5 = Has set up a trust fund in my name

Identity: 1 = Possesses a fundamental understanding of relationships 2 = Is able to communicate effectively 70%+ of the time 3 = Has instituted a rewarding network of relationships 4 = Is attracted to me among the various facets (knowledge, pleasure, etc.) 5 = Has equal or greater wisdom than me

Pleasure 1 = Can dish out rudimentary compliments 2 = Likes to get my rocks off as well as his own 3 = Shares common interests, enthused 4 = Is aesthetically attractive (include other facets) 5 = Is inspiring > 80% of the time, sexually and otherwise

Rate yourself by selecting the best answer in each of the four categories. Then add the numbers (will be between 0- 20) Multiply by 5 to determine percentile (%) Share this percentage with me and be honest about it (include references, narratives) if you want a chance

Example: In the case of myself...I would put 2 for knowledge (studying for BS), 1 for security (since I have little money to begin with)...5 for Identity (I have wisdom equal to my own knowledge hehehe)....4 for Pleasure, since I don't consider myself to be inspiring that much....

So that's 2 + 1 + 5 + 4 = 12

12 * 5 = 60% on a 100% scale

I've got plenty of work to do, but thank (me) I'm above 50% ::chuckles::....but I think it's a really good scale though...to get the best person all-around...don't you think?...

I'm susceptible to feeling unloved...and the funny thing is that I don't seek out attention or love....I just sit here and skulk, and feel like I don't deserve to even care about it...and judgment after judgment on myself. I know tomorrow I will be happy....and that I don't need to feel loved most of the time...but there is a crucial amount of feeling like I'm special and feeling like I actually exist that I Must have or else the susceptible thing comes in. Okay it's not just that either....I don't have anyone that tells me that I'm right or supports me in any of these things...and for the most part I've survived without it....but it's really nice to feel like my stuff has some worth beyond my own conception...(crying) if my family is going to abandon me emotionally like I've been abandoned so many times in the past, then god damn it I need something. And I don't want to be seen as weak...I can handle myself and I've proven it....I don't feel like being someone else's standards or adhere to their bullshit....I don't want to feel worthless... (crying intentionally cut off)

I know you're going to say "Get over it, you know better, enjoy the simple things, dah dah dah" Thank you in advance and I don't need it. I also don't want to attach myself to your care too much, for all our sakes.

B: I'll talk to you more about it as the time gets closer.

:D Indeed.

Take (my) Care (away),

James

Well, lets rate me - 

Well, I have a BS, but I do consider myself an Innovator in certain things - and I am also considered the best my company has to offer for the position I have. So, for all of that I'm going to average it out to a 3.

Security: 1 = Spends money on me 1 time per month 2 = Spends money on me 2 times per month 3 = Spends money on me 3+ times per month 4 = Is inordinately wealthy 5 = Has set up a trust fund in my name

Well, I am a tight wad with myself and quite free with my money around the people I care for. For this exercise I'll only take into account what I did with James. I proved the transportation to and from Wichita - frequently bought dinners and paid his site fees at the games. I generally saw him for a week at a time twice a month. I am not inordinately wealthy (not that it should matter - since even if I was or someone else was that they might still met the requirement of a 1). If I was asked to and could set it up, I have no problem with 5, He would have been included in my will - would this count? - eh - 3 again.

Identity: 1 = Possesses a fundamental understanding of relationships 2 = Is able to communicate effectively 70%+ of the time 3 = Has instituted a rewarding network of relationships 4 = Is attracted to me among the various facets (knowledge, pleasure, etc.) 5 = Has equal or greater wisdom than me

I met the requirements of 1 through 4 and since the last one use himself as a scale - 5

Pleasure 1 = Can dish out rudimentary compliments 2 = Likes to get my rocks off as well as his own 3 = Shares common interests, enthused 4 = Is aesthetically attractive (include other facets) 5 = Is inspiring > 80% of the time, sexually and otherwise

Hard to rate myself here. Since all of it requires His approvals.
I can and did #1, but he didn't believe me.
I started out with #2, but as things progressed - I was shut out of the decisions. With most of the other partners I have even had - this was a given.
#3 is a matching with the partner. I felt I had common interests and I did have the enthusiasm (whether he believed it or not) and I generally consider this a standard for any relationship.
#4 is his value judgment. I don't know where to go with this since he started out telling me one thing, and ended with another. Instead I am going to use my Hot Or Not rating as a judge - I think anything above a 6 should be passing - I have a 7.9.
#5 Again - all his judgment. I think I'll just settle on the 4.

Rate yourself by selecting the best answer in each of the four categories. Then add the numbers (will be between 0- 20) Multiply by 5 to determine percentile (%) Share this percentage with me and be honest about it (include references, narratives) if you want a chance.

Okay that would be 3+3+5+4=15
15x5=75% on a 100% .... hmmmm .... makes me wonder.

Since I'm not looking for a chance, I'm not going to submit this to him.

But I will reply with the following.

To: "James"  Subject: different then you expected.

At 03:52 AM 10/12/2003 -0500, you wrote:

I know you're going to say "Get over it, you know better, enjoy the simple things, dah dah dah" Thank you in advance and I don't need it. I also don't want to attach myself to your care too much, for all our sakes.

Well, I would say that also - but I think you are missing a lot more.
I think what I would like to point out to you now is if you realize just how self centered you are? (and by self centered I mean that you declare yourself as the center of the universe and hold yourself up to all the standards around you, rather then just realizing that you are the center of the universe and letting other measure themselves by you).

I realize that you are a Leo and an INTJ - but the world does not, has not, never will, revolve completely around your standards and judgments or thoughts; nor can you live up to the standards, judgments or thoughts of the world around you.

One example - Though cute in a very typical "You" kind of thing to do - and granted that about 20% of the quotes had some real content ... For REAL - who is so self centered enough to send out a list of his favorite quotes from himself?

Oh well. *my Brother* does NOT bring out the child in me, btw. Either people inspire me to connect with my inner child in a positive way or I consciously DECIDE to say things like "iza sayz it's a crock a shit" or whatever. What matters Most is whether I feel like I look cute when I do it and how it affects the feelings of whomever is seeing it. I never play cute with *my Brother*---he'd never understand, and would forever label me as crazy.

Sorry to have implied that *your Brother* was a good influence on you.
Advice - in this area - be MORE self centered. Don't give a shit what others think about it or how it effects them - do it because it makes you feel good. If they can't connect with there inner child - there loss. Don't let it effect you.

Mmmm...well...I accept him being himself and being a complete asshole except for what I communicated above. He's manipulative and power-centric. I can accept the power-centric part but not the manipulative part.

How much of the Zen Mirror discussion we've had do you remember?

Hmmm, good overall...as long as there's positive progress I'm happy. I'm glad that Spence is inspiring for you....I had hoped to be similarly inspiring. Alas, I need someone to inspire me in the same way hahaaha

ha ha - I did my best. You just didn't believe me.
PS - take your inspiration where you will. Don't look for it to come to you - find it. It is all around you if you WANT it.

B: Hope for what?
 
::smirk:: Ehhh, nevermind...as long as you're happy I don't care to probe.

No one said I was any happier or sadder then I was.
I was merely wondering what you felt there had to be hope for. Me? You? Us? Them? World Peace? something else?
(answers in order No, Yes, No, Yes, No, don't know)

...it's okay about not being here right now (Sunday 3 AM) hah....but I need SOMEONE....I'm not feeling well right now. Dinner & a movie sounds wonderful....last night I went out with Mike (old roommate that I made back into a friend) and we ate dinner & watched Bay Boys II since Sean wasn't able to email me....he's soooo busy but he's realllly a good guy....he's like the only decent guy that has me as a dating interest as far as I am aware. I'm kind of toying with the idea of having Drake as a friend w/benefits....but somehow I just don't see him being much more than a disposable ass-et.

Here is something I would like to point out as you treating most people in your life. Also part of that Self Centered-ness I was talking about. It is all about how they can serve you.
I have to wonder how much of this I had fulfilled and then failed in our relationship (Please DON'T answer that).
It also makes me wonder What you needed from Mike to make him a friend again - and how long that will last until you determine that he is no longer an asset to you and you drop him like a rock again.

"Anyway, I guess an update on how I'm doing academically...I am currently

trying to develop a new "science" so-to-speak. I'm calling it Symbolic

Management, and it's really just me tying Management Accounting to Jungian

Psychology (currently in a global view this is what is happening in various

pockets of knowledge---fields are being integrated, like neurology with

genetics, etc.). So far I seem to have thoroughly impressed my instructors

without making them feel like I think I know more than them hehehe.

the idea that you know more then anyone ... then why do you have to read the text to pass the course?
You are intelligent - there is no doubt of that.
So is Frank. He wallows around thinking he is stupid, and seeks to learn anything he can from anyone that will teach him.
Go and sit outside under the stars and stay there until you feel insignificant. Then find yourself - your identity under those stars. Then maybe you will have grown up enough to realize that even though you know a lot, you don't know enough and you never will.

The other important thing in my life right now is applying all

these things I'm learning/developing to become rich.

Once again - money will not buy you anything that you seem to think it will. I see you in the future on the cover of Forbes in an impeccable suit and surrounded by all the most opulent of material goods and still looking very sad and lost.

I'm susceptible to feeling unloved...and the funny thing is that I don't seek out attention or love....I just sit here and skulk, and feel like I don't deserve to even care about it...and judgment after judgment on myself. I know tomorrow I will be happy....and that I don't need to feel loved most of the time...but there is a crucial amount of feeling like I'm special and feeling like I actually exist that I Must have or else the susceptible thing comes in. Okay it's not just that either....I don't have anyone that tells me that I'm right or supports me in any of these things...and for the most part I've survived without it....but it's really nice to feel like my stuff has some worth beyond my own conception...(crying) if my family is going to abandon me emotionally like I've been abandoned so many times in the past, then god damn it I need something. And I don't want to be seen as weak...I can handle myself and I've proven it....I don't feel like being someone else's standards or adhere to their bullshit....I don't want to feel worthless... (crying intentionally cut off)

Here is your problem in a nut shell - and Money has NOTHING to do with it.
You don't seek out love. You seek out opportunities.
You are pursuing the wrong means to your happiness and acceptance.
For someone that continues to say that he has no emotions - or controls his emotions - you continue to have a lot of emotional problems.
I've said all of this before, and I doubt you will hear me this time either.

The above I wrote to my academic advisor (after a bunch of academic-related stuff...)....I want to note that I never really cared to find someone like me (enough to make any objective)....right now I just want someone that will make me happy at least half the time....hard to do I guess...but I do have a policy where it's like....well....I'll think about having a RTL either after I have my MS degrees done OR if the right person comes along.....and if the right person hasn't come along by then, then I'll take the OBO....by then I will probably have gone through 30-50 guys or whatever and maybe I'll have gotten lucky. Below are the standards for which I rate guys that I think are worthy....and I also plan to make myself all 5's in the below scale....

The flaw in your scale and judgments is that no one can answer them since they all are based on YOUR judgments and perceptions of the other person. So, you are the only one that can fill all this out. You don't have anything that they can fill out for you to give a chance to.
Just as a side note - going only from what we had done - and what you had told me - I rate a 75% on your test. Higher then you? Is that possible?
I was actually really surprised that you rate yourself so low ... actually - no I wasn't.
But the point I am trying to make here is that you made all of this on your judgments - and you could very easily have scored a 100% by what you portray to think of yourself and lack only the bank account to carry out the rest of it.
You want that? Start picking up all the lose change you find - don't spend any of it, and set it up in a trust fund under the name of "Current Boyfriend" (this would make you an innovator) - presto - 100%

 I've got plenty of work to do, but thank (me) I'm above 50% ::chuckles::....but I think it's a really good scale though...to get the best person all-around...don't you think?...

Nope. I think I covered all of this.

 I know you're going to say "Get over it, you know better, enjoy the simple things, dah dah dah" Thank you in advance and I don't need it. I also don't want to attach myself to your care too much, for all our sakes.

Don't get over it -
GET OVER YOURSELF!
         I had a little revelation myself today. I found myself wondering what everyone thought of me and what they would think of me if they knew what I had just done. I went into how much people STILL try to shame me into being quite about being HIV positive and can't understand how I can be happy about it or with it and that I should be ashamed of having it.
Then I realized - There is no shame. No one can place shame on you. Only you can except it.
So don't accept Shame!
You are a person with as many flaws as perfections. Take Pride in you and Screw the rest of them if they can't understand.

STOP judging yourself by the standards other people have put before you. You will be a success if you are happy - not if you have a 9 figure bank account.
Stop doing things because you think it will make others happy. Do it because it makes you happy and your happiness will spread. It will only spread if it is a pure and honest happiness. Truly it is contagious - but to many people like yourself right now have built up an immunity and continue to take vaccinations against it.
Happiness is not a formula!
Happiness is not a disease!
For gods sake - hold open your arms, trust in life, smile and drop your defenses ... become infected with happiness!

*Bret pats himself on the back in front of the Zen mirror for his rant and gets down off the soap box realizing that no one will listen and goes to bed*

0310.14

So ... this morning I woke up to this.

To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net> Subject: Different

If no one will listen, why the hell do you care to write? I think you're a bit pompous yourself with your ungodly and inefficient methods of wisdom. How about that?

You understand people, you just don't know what's best for them. You take the easy answer "be happy", which I can easily understand and DO about 25% of the time (yes I need work but I know how to get there and I'll challenge myself as much as I want...the more I challenge, the more happiness is worth). I've enjoyed the simple things...the mere fact of living, etc. But you never see it (apparently), because it isn't too easily observable when it happens (I'm ALMOST never around people when it happens).

B: I think you are missing a lot more.

I know what I'm missing and I like missing it. Life is better this way.
B: I think what I would like to point out to you now is if you realize just how self centered you are?

Yes. It's why I had the "selflessness" crusade and STILL nobody could bluntly tell me the truth (except *my old room mate*...). I know I'm an arrogant person---It's good to me. Little something called "avoiding pride".

B: (and by self centered I mean that you declare yourself as the center of the universe and hold yourself up to all the standards around you, rather then just realizing that you are the center of the universe and letting other measure themselves by you).

Lead by example, eh? It's not my choice whether they follow. I do not integrate OTHERS standards unless I care about them. And I integrate standards only if they are enjoyable in some way.

B: I realize that you are a Leo and an INTJ - but the world does not, has not, never will, revolve completely around your standards and judgments or thoughts; nor can you live up to the standards, judgments or thoughts of the world around you.

The world completely revolves around my standards, judgments, and thoughts so long as I am alive and have a brain. It's called perception. I know that reality is not what I see it to be, as it is for anyone else. If my judgments and thoughts make the world better to my perception, then I'm going to do what works. I know that things cannot be directly controlled; that they must allow control (by controlling within). And I know that postivitity lends itself to greater results than pessimism.

B: One example - Though cute in a very typical "You" kind of thing to do - and granted that about 20% of the quotes had some real content ... For REAL - who is so self centered enough to send out a list of his favorite quotes from himself?

Me, it makes up for the lack of love I get otherwise, the love I need. If nobody else gives it to me, then I'll give it to myself. Secondary Note: If I didnt' quote myself, who the hell would? Some of them would be those people decades from now that write the history books about all the great things I accomplished. I did those history writers a FAVOR. Also, there are other people that I have observed to INTEGRATE what I have said into what they have said, WITHOUT giving me credit....so it's my revenge for those that didn't value me as a human being : D Everyone else can quote me without giving credit and my wisdom has already spread.

Oh well. *my brother* does NOT bring out the child in me, btw. Either people inspire me to connect with my inner child in a positive way or I consciously DECIDE to say things like "iza sayz it's a crock a shit" or whatever. What matters Most is whether I feel like I look cute when I do it and how it affects the feelings of whomever is seeing it. I never play cute with  *my brother*---he'd never understand, and would forever label me as crazy.

B: Sorry to have implied that  *your brother* was a good influence on you.

He is a good influence on me, as well as a negative influence, depending on how I decide to deal with things. Today he "terrorized" me again and we ended up being playful and funny (almost but not quite inner child in me) and he got the attention he needed and left. I didn't get what I needed but I SURRENDERED to his selfishness. Usually I am not willing to surrender to his struggle for whatever. He's a very lucky kid.
B: Advice - in this area - be MORE self centered.

Don't know what to think about that.

B: Don't give a shit what others think about it or how it effects them - do it because it makes you feel good. If they can't connect with there inner child - there loss. Don't let it effect you.
:: sighs:: It makes me feel good when I understand people and effect people in ways that I want to affect them. I'm not worried about other people's inner child per-se....the inner child would be more like something for a lover to have.

Mmmm...well...I accept him being himself and being a complete asshole except for what I communicated above. He's manipulative and power-centric. I can accept the power-centric part but not the manipulative part.

B: How much of the Zen Mirror discussion we've had do you remember?

I am consciously manipulative, but such behavior is driven by positive feelings and wants for positive outcomes. Power-centric? I have no need to be power-centric since I know I have no real power and can imagine myself to have all the power in the world.

Hmmm, good overall...as long as there's positive progress I'm happy. I'm glad that Spence is inspiring for you....I had hoped to be similary inspiring. Alas, I need someone to inspire me in the same way hahaaha

B: ha ha - I did my best. You just didn't believe me.

I don't understand "You just didn't believe me"...you are either inspiring or not inspiring....You inspire me more now in some ways than you did then....and in other ways it's the reverse...but none of these ways is the way I'm looking for. I fear that you struggle with genuine happiness as much as I do.
B: PS - take your inspiration where you will. Don't look for it to come to you - find it. It is all around you if you WANT it.

Okay....there are 2 kinds of inspiration. Inspiration from self (like inventing ideas, feeling good towards music, etc.) and then there's inspiration out of others' behavior. I'm more than well aware that there is potential inspirations in all objects animate and inanimate. Nature, life, blah blah blah The inspiration I want is the feeling of acceptance by someone by their happiness, in my presence. I speculate that I saw too much "not happy" when I grew up that I'm hell bent on seeing others happy....and whenever a guy is enthused about something I did or just being happy and enjoying my presence with them, then I become euphoric. I guess this would be that contagious happiness of which you speak farther down....when others beam, I beam. I will beam outwardly only if I want to attract a particular person (and yes I've done it). I will beam inwardly whenever I'm tired of challenging myself & feel like utterly enjoying life.

B: Hope for what?
 
::smirk:: Ehhh, nevermind...as long as you're happy I don't care to probe.

B: No one said I was any happier or sadder then I was.
Like I said, as long as you're happy.
B: I was merely wondering what you felt there had to be hope for. Me? You? Us? Them? World Peace? something else?
(answers in order No, Yes, No, Yes, No, don't know)

Uhhhhhh, the HOPE you talk about in the journals, to your therapist about. The HOPE that you can have a companion or whatever the hell it is you're wanting. I think you deserve the acceptance which I wasn't able to continue to afford you. And I think you know I'm right.

...it's okay about not being here right now (Sunday 3 AM) hah....but I need SOMEONE....I'm not feeling well right now. Dinner & a movie sounds wonderful....last night I went out with (old roommate that I made back into a friend) and we ate dinner & watched Bay Boys II since *b/f* wasn't able to email me....he's soooo busy but he's realllly a good guy....he's like the only decent guy that has me as a dating interest as far as I am aware. I'm kind of toying with the idea of having Drake as a friend w/benefits....but somehow I just don't see him being much more than a disposable ass-et.

B: Here is something I would like to point out as you treating most people in your life. Also part of that Self Centered-ness I was talking about. It is all about how they can serve you.

Yes....there are those that I care for, and those that I don't care for. Those that I don't care for are disposable assets. I would care for them more but I just can't get past feeling like a disposable asset to those that I DO care about ::evil eyes::
B: I have to wonder how much of this I had fulfilled and then failed in our relationship (Please DON'T answer that).

:D Okay numb-nuts. I don't see you or anyone else as business investments. I see them as personal investments. You are a wonderful man on many levels, you just weren't "inspiring" in the way that I require. I need to be lathered in love every now and then, and feel like it's something special (that beaming stuff). I'll probably end up with someone like myself that will UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT RRR (P.S. you were 90% overall....) PSS You didn't fail, I failed
B: It also makes me wonder What you needed from *old room mate* to make him a friend again - and how long that will last until you determine that he is no longer an asset to you and you drop him like a rock again.

He's useless other than for companionship. Dad asked me "Why are you friends with him again, you know he's not worth anything".....and I have been MATURE AND FUCKING WISE AND NICE AND EVERYTHING by MAKING UP and not burning my bridges. P.S. that was the FIRST time I EVER dropped *him* like a rock. He needed to learn a lesson, and he's learned it. We communicate on a different (more self-aware) level now. We actually communicate better and more openly. THERE'S A GOOD REASON FOR BAD THINGS, MR. FEELINGS.

I KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING. I DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO TEACH PEOPLE. THEY EITHER LEARN THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY.

*he* is no longer dependent upon people (as much as he was). *He* references himself as being "intuitive"....I've rubbed off on him IN MANY WAYS....LARGELY BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN AND YOU HAVE...repeat HAVE to bonk them over the head...I DO IT BY "PUTTING THEM ASUNDER", "CONSCIOUS MANIPULATION", "MAKING THEM FEEL BAD, THEN GOOD", or WHATEVER

Trust me, it works!

Simple concept: If people don't enjoy what they have, then take it away from them. Give it back to them when they have learned to live without it. Then shall they enjoy it more. Don't just tell them to enjoy it.

You tell me to enjoy life...I've never feared death. You've feared death enough that you have the keys to happiness. Pity you can't see this.

I am the neutralizer, I am God...I can see the balance, I can change the balance. The balance is progressive. I can make progress jump. I am a leader of men. I am a maker of men. I can give and I can take away. I am God.

This is my identity. It is my destiny.

"Anyway, I guess an update on how I'm doing academically...I am currently

trying to develop a new "science" so-to-speak. I'm calling it Symbolic

Management, and it's really just me tying Management Accounting to Jungian

Psychology (currently in a global view this is what is happening in various

pockets of knowledge---fields are being integrated, like neurology with

genetics, etc.). So far I seem to have thoroughly impressed my instructors

without making them feel like I think I know more than them hehehe.

B: the idea that you know more then anyone ... then why do you have to read the text to pass the course?

YOU DIDN'T GET IT. I didn't read the text before (that is, didn't read more than the answers). NOW I DO, Be-cause I can THINK UP INTERESTING ORIGINAL SHIT off of the bullshit in the text. I feel ownership of what I read...it's not boring....
B: You are intelligent - there is no doubt of that.

Thanks I guess. State the obvious.
B: So is Frank.

Yes, he knows more about cars and probably other things that I'll never know or care to know. I LISTENED TO WHAT HE SAID WHEN I WAS THERE. IF I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT I WOULD NOT HAVE LISTENED TO HIM.

B: He wallows around thinking he is stupid, and seeks to learn anything he can from anyone that will teach him.

MAKES COMPLETE SENSE TO ME. FOR WHATEVER AMOUNT OF PAIN ONE GOES THROUGH, THEY COMPENSATE ON A POSITIVE LEVEL (even though it may be unseen to themself). THIS IS A PRINCIPLE OF LIFE WHICH I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. THE JEWS CARRY THE PAIN FROM THE 1940's SO MUCH THAT IT MO-TI-VA-TES THEM TO CONQUER THE WORLD.....everyone else is likewise motivated.

SO DO I, GIVE MYSELF THE PAIN I NEED TO BE MOTIVATED TO DO WHAT I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH. THERE CAN BE NO PLEASURE WITHOUT PAIN AND VICE VERSA, and I am the master of both : D
B: Go and sit outside under the stars and stay there until you feel insignificant.

IMPOSSIBLE. I ONLY FEEL INSIGNIFICANT IN THE PRESENCE OF PEOPLE. STARS, NATURE, ETC. MAKE ME FEEL MORE SIGNIFICANT.

B: Then find yourself - your identity under those stars.

I am not a small, insignificant spec in space. If I want to be a spec I will stand in the middle of a crowd of people. In my pilgrimage I will CONNECT with the universe just as I do right now in my head. I don't plan to be doing that until I retire. I already know my identity, and I will have it when everyone else has had their piece of my cake.

B: Then maybe you will have grown up enough to realize that even though you know a lot, you don't know enough and you never will.

HELLO? I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT I KNOW SO MUCH THAT IT KEEPS ME FROM LISTENING OR LEARNING FROM OTHER PEOPLE. I KNOW HOW LITTLE I TRULY KNOW, I AM, AM, AM MODEST IN MY FEELINGS. EEEEEE

All I have to know is the symbolism of + and -....one breeds the other and in both I am complete no matter what the fuck happens. I will die happy even if I die right now and this doesn't get sent to you.

The other important thing in my life right now is applying all

these things I'm learning/developing to become rich.

B: Once again - money will not buy you anything that you seem to think it will.

I BUY WHAT I WANT. IF I BUY MONEY, I WILL BUY OTHER THINGS. I BUY IT, I OWN IT, NOT MONEY. I OWN MY BELLIGERENCE RIGHT NOW hehehee IF MY BELLIGERENCE WORKS TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND, THEN IT WAS WORTH IT. IF MONEY ENABLES ME TO RETIRE EARLY, THEN SO BE IT. IF MONEY ENABLES ME TO WALK THE EARTH WITHOUT GUILT, THEN SO BE IT.

B: I see you in the future on the cover of Forbes in an impeccable suit and surrounded by all the most opulent of material goods and still looking very sad and lost.

I WILL BE VERY ANONYMOUS, VERY RICH, VERY HAPPY, AND VERY FOUND. OH WAIT, ALREADY ALL OF THOSE.

"I'm susceptible to feeling unloved...and the funny thing is that I don't seek out attention or love....I just sit here and skulk, and feel like I don't deserve to even care about it...and judgment after judgment on myself. I know tomorrow I will be happy....and that I don't need to feel loved most of the time...but there is a crucial amount of feeling like I'm special and feeling like I actually exist that I Must have or else the susceptible thing comes in. Okay it's not just that either....I don't have anyone that tells me that I'm right or supports me in any of these things...and for the most part I've survived without it....but it's really nice to feel like my stuff has some worth beyond my own conception...(crying) if my family is going to abandon me emotionally like I've been abandoned so many times in the past, then god damn it I need something. And I don't want to be seen as weak...I can handle myself and I've proven it....I don't feel like being someone else's standards or adhere to their bullshit....I don't want to feel worthless... (crying intentionally cut off)"

B: Here is your problem in a nut shell - and Money has NOTHING to do with it.

OKAY DUMB-ASS. MONEY IS NOT, REPEAT NOT WHAT I VALUE. NATHAN VALUES MONEY. I VALUE KNOWLEDGE. I AM ONLY WANTING MONEY TO PLEASE THE FUCKED UP SYSTEM OF THE WORLD AND GIVE MYSELF FREEEEEEEEEEDOM. I WOULD FEEL BAD IF I WENT OUTSIDE AND NEVER CAME BACK HOME, PILGRIMAGING LIKE I WANT TO.

B: You don't seek out love. You seek out opportunities.

LOVE DOESN'T SEEK OUT ME. OPPORTUNITIES ARE ALL I CAN CONTROL (CANNOT CONTROL LOVE). I LOVE AS I WISH AND EVERYONE ELSE WILL, TOO.....maybe I'll get lucky and SOMEONE WILL ACCEPT AND LOVE ME AS I WOULD LOVE THEM. EEEEEE
B: You are pursuing the wrong means to your happiness and acceptance.

DUH, BUT A CHALLENGE IS MORE INTERESTING THAN VOYAGING AND LIVING OFF THE LAND RIGHT NOW.

I AM WELL AWARE OF PEOPLE'S VALUES (FEELINGS) AND MY OWN. I WILL GIVE AS MUCH AS IS DESERVED. I WILL INCREASE AS THEY HAVE EARNED. I WILL NOT GIVE FREELY FOR I AM GOD, AND GOD DOES NOT FREELY GIVE. I accept that which is, and that which is not (I can really "live" with others being in strife, myself being in strife, etc.). Accepting does not make change. God makes change ; )

Without conflict of emotions, there is no reason.

Without conflict of emotions, there is only peace.

Without conflict of emotions, there is death and surrender.

I will not die and surrender until I am ready. If I die before I am ready, then it's okay, because I surrendered to something else.

You surrender unto peace and harmony because of your personality. You surrender unto peace and harmony because you are constantly reminded that you will die. You surrender unto peace and harmony because it is the easy way. You surrender unto peace and harmony because it is GOOD. You surrender unto death, because you must accept it.

I shall not strive to forbade myself from putting men asunder. I am the JUDGE, I am GOD...I shall put men asunder that they may APPRECIATE the absence of joy, and likewise after their punishment they shall enjoy life. I shall only put asunder those that deserve it, those that must learn the Hard way.
B: For someone that continues to say that he has no emotions - or controls his emotions - you continue to have a lot of emotional problems.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SAID I HAVE NO EMOTIONS?.....I DO NOT BELIEVE I'M IN UTTER COMPLETE CONTROL OF MY EMOTIONS BUT I HAVE ENOUGH CONTROL OVER MY BEHAVIOR AND REACTIONS TO GET BY.
B: I've said all of this before, and I doubt you will hear me this time either.

I thought I had mentioned before (in my "new" wisdom) that we are all emotional beasts and that emotions cannot be controlled. Maybe it wasn't You I told that to...oh well....

The above I wrote to my academic advisor (after a bunch of academic-related stuff...)....I want to note that I never really cared to find someone like me (enough to make any objective)....right now I just want someone that will make me happy at least half the time....hard to do I guess...but I do have a policy where it's like....well....I'll think about having a RTL either after I have my MS degrees done OR if the right person comes along.....and if the right person hasn't come along by then, then I'll take the OBO....by then I will probably have gone through 30-50 guys or whatever and maybe I'll have gotten lucky. Below are the standards for which I rate guys that I think are worthy....and I also plan to make myself all 5's in the below scale....

B: The flaw in your scale and judgments is that no one can answer them since they all are based on YOUR judgments and perceptions of the other person.

THAT'S PART OF THE POINT. I WANT THEM TO KNOW HOW I THINK FOR ONE. FOR TWO I WANT THEM TO REALIZE THAT A LOT OF THINGS WILL YET BE UNKNOWN UNTIL I MEET THEM AND HAVE BEEN WITH THEM FOR AWHILE. OH FUCKING WELL I GUESS I EXPECT TOO MUCH..........

B: So, you are the only one that can fill all this out.

YUP YUP. Everyone is whatever the hell I want to make them to be. I do my best to be truthful/accurate about it all.
Same goes for everybody else...the first part anyway....

B: You don't have anything that they can fill out for you to give a chance to.

THEY FILL OUT WHATEVER THEY GIVE. IF THEY GIVE SOMETHING GOOD, IT WILL BE ADDED. MY SCALE IS NOT AN ABSOLUTE PREJUDGMENT. IT IS A TENTATIVE COMMUNICATION OF HOW I DO THINGS AND WHAT I WANT OUT OF LIFE. KAY?...
Just as a side note - going only from what we had done - and what you had told me - I rate a 75% on your test. Higher then you? Is that possible?

Yes.
I was actually really surprised that you rate yourself so low ... actually - no I wasn't.

IF I RATE MYSELF HIGH THEN THERE'S NOTHING TO WORK FOR....GET IT?......
But the point I am trying to make here is that you made all of this on your judgments - and you could very easily have scored a 100% by what you portray to think of yourself and lack only the bank account to carry out the rest of it.

YUP YUP....I hope to do 100% of those things towards that eventual significant other (the trust fund, inspiring, etc.) I DO NOT EXPECT OR ASK OF OTHERS THAT WHICH I DO NOT ASK OF MYSELF.
B: You want that? Start picking up all the lose change you find - don't spend any of it, and set it up in a trust fund under the name of "Current Boyfriend" (this would make you an innovator) - presto - 100%

Your judgments are not my own. It's PERFECTION THAT I SHOOT FOR. I DON'T EXPECT IT, I CAN HOPE FOR IT. I CAN SETTLE FOR LESS THAN PERFECT. I CAN SETTLE FOR YOU OR SEAN RIGHT NOW IF I WANTED, AND BE CONFIDENT THAT I WOULD BE HAPPY. THE BEST I FIND, I KEEP.

 I've got plenty of work to do, but thank (me) I'm above 50% ::chuckles::....but I think it's a really good scale though...to get the best person all-around...don't you think?...

B: Nope. I think I covered all of this.

 I know you're going to say "Get over it, you know better, enjoy the simple things, dah dah dah" Thank you in advance and I don't need it. I also don't want to attach myself to your care too much, for all our sakes.

B: Don't get over it -
GET OVER YOURSELF!

What? You want me to be "down to earth" and "non-judgmental" and "deliriously happy" all the time? Sorry, impossible. I'll be down-to-earth, etc. when it suits me. Otherwise show me your worldly wisdom and be succinct about it, prithee.
B: I had a little revelation myself today. I found myself wondering what everyone thought of me and what they would think of me if they knew what I had just done.

Ummm, what did you just do? Or was that a hypothetical "what I had just done"?.....I think that too every now and then, usually to keep my image in check.

B: I went into how much people STILL try to shame me into being quite about being HIV positive and can't understand how I can be happy about it or with it and that I should be ashamed of having it.

They're ashamed that you have HIV (they care) and are afraid that they don't understand (and care). How WONDERFUL and HUMAN of them.
B: Then I realized - There is no shame. No one can place shame on you. Only you can except it.
So don't accept Shame!

:D I'm glad you're not accepting shame. I NEVER ACCEPT SHAME unless I feel I deserved it and there is something to gain from having the shame.
B: You are a person with as many flaws as perfections.

YUP, I will never be God, but I will try anyway ; )

B: Take Pride in you and Screw the rest of them if they can't understand.

Easy for me to do. There is nothing inside myself that I am not willing to accept right now, other than those things I wish to change. Such is human nature. Such is necessary for NATURAL PROGRESSION.

B: STOP judging yourself by the standards other people have put before you.

I judge by my own standards. I love *my Brother* and dad, and love creates obligations. Obligations are not always monetary, but they have to be APPRECIATED. I KNOW what dad & *my Brother* appreciates. Therefore I will honor my love in more ways than one.

B: You will be a success if you are happy - not if you have a 9 figure bank account.

I learned that a LONG time ago. Money is an enabler, benefitter, blah, not the reason for life
B: Stop doing things because you think it will make others happy. Do it because it makes you happy and your happiness will spread.

Show me an example of the above....

B: It will only spread if it is a pure and honest happiness.

My pure and honest happiness is faceless and speechless. Sometimes it makes me smile and gaze off.

B: Truly it is contagious - but to many people like yourself right now have built up an immunity and continue to take vaccinations against it.

Vaccinations against happiness serves a purpose. I don't feel like being homeless right now, so I'm not able to be genuinely happy all the time. I do not expect anyone to provide for me if I were to be genuinely happy all the time, either.
Happiness is not a formula!

Yes it is.
Happiness is not a disease!

True.
For gods sake - hold open your arms, trust in life, smile and drop your defenses ... become infected with happiness!

I will when I get tired and need it.

*Bret pats himself on the back in front of the Zen mirror for his rant and gets down off the soap box realizing that no one will listen and goes to bed*

People only listen to self-created value....you've told me this in your communications more or less....I suggest you follow your own advice.

And now I want you to know I'm not angry at you or anything (being cautious to your perception). I'd utterly LOVE to see you this weekend and hope that things are going well there....if you need a vacation you can pilgrim on down anytime you want : )......and I'm going to walk outside & enjoy nature for 30 minutes after I write this, then I will masturbate and figure out what else I want to do.

Thank you for your time. It is precious. I hope mine wasn't too scary....

I had only 7 words and one phrase in all caps - to be used as italics more then anything. I left for work.
Oddly enough, I was arms reach of the Klown and the Monk all day - and I came to an interesting conclusion.
First, I should note - Jax didn't want me to beat the crap out of James. I was a little surprised at that.
Hoshi on the other hand went through a long story about some arguing families in Korea where the shouting had gotten so loud that no one was hearing anything. The argument was over a roaming Ox that each family felt had a reason for ownership and wanted the Ox for themselves. Finally it was the daughter of one of the families that could not be heard (and was being ignored because she was advocating sharing the Ox) that finally stopped yelling and left the argument. She then went outside and killed the Ox, butchered it, and cooked dinner for all of the families. As they ate, there mouths full and silent, she then announced that the argument had been settled.
Action is louder then words.
Listen to his own advise.
I had decided what to do. At the time of this writing, I haven't done it yet - but it will be done soon and posted here as well.

On to the rest of my day and backing up a little for an explanation.
I took Ray out to lunch. The router he put in had been acting flaky - so we returned it and got a new one. Then he sat down at the computer and looked at everything. He knew it was bad, now he knew just how bad it was. It was worse then he thought. He is coming over tomorrow to wipe this computer clean and start from scratch. Much of this can be attributed to all the 'tinkering' that James had done in here without any of my permission (and in many cases even my knowledge). Ray looked at what he had done to secure the computer after he took the firewall out - His quote was,
"All in all he didn't do a terrible job. He just closed down all the ports but the one that everything usually goes through. It would be like he boarded up all the windows in the house for a hurricane, but he left the front door wide open."
The more Ray looked around he found programs that had been shut off, or set up with permissions and passwords (unsuccessfully - essentially locking them out completely) and many paths that he couldn't explain. He believes that the problem was not in the router - it is in the computer. He is also fairly sure that programs have 'broken in' and are using the computer as a "spam machine" now - which is slowing it down and causing DOS (denial of service) attacks to the router.

Ray also went with me to the bank as I straightened out some problems there. (Fixed by the way).
He also went along as I stopped at the Dr. and picked up a med.

Valtrex

For those that seems familiar, but can't place it - or have never heard of it before - 
It is one of the primary drugs for treating Herpes.
I did something stupid. On the way home from KC, I stopped in Lawrence and went to the gay cruising grounds. The first guy that was willing to hook up was to shy to do anything there and almost nothing did happen. But I finally did get him off - but I didn't get the chance to finish.
I should have just left and called it even. I might have even been home in time to watch Tarzan.
Instead, I saw someone else - and I followed him - and propositioned him - and he except.
He had a large abrasion on the head of his penis. I asked him what it was, he said he zipped up to fast. Considering the amount of clothes I had to go through the get there, the story didn't sit with me - but I trust.
I trust - he was cute - he was willing. Even though I knew full well that it could have been or was Herpes didn't stop me.
I truly enjoyed what followed. I came. I couldn't finish him and felt bad about it. Part of the reason I couldn't finish him was because I had finally come, and now I didn't know if I could fight the feeling that it was Herpes any longer.
I told him I couldn't finish. He asked if I wanted to be taken care of (my god, how kind and unusual in a place like that). I explained that I had already been taken care of, by him even. I wished him better luck in his next encounter. He smiled and said thank you - then hugged me.
My god - I can't even explain this hug. He gave great Hug. I haven't felt that secure, warm, and cared for in a hug since ...
Well, actually - the last time I can remember that feeling was with James in the first weeks and Greg when he was still seemingly interested in me. Before that Devin, then David, Zam on the night we met, and Shawn every time. This was some kind of 'magic hug'. It made every bit of what I had just done - worth it.

I still know absolutely nothing about him. Not even a name. He was wearing a hooded jersey - I can't even tell you the color or style of his hair, it was dark, I can't tell you about his eyes. I know his clothes, his passion, his courtesy and his hug.

As the night progress, and I drove alone in the car - the idea of Herpes began to sink in.
Oral Herpes. Not just a cold sore - an STD with many medical problems and associations. Something that can take advantage of my immune system. Something else with out a cure.
One more thing to make me poisonous and rejected. Something that would place even more restrictions on me sexually.

When I walked into the house I found my Room mate and Frank watching TV. I was sure the mud on my knees and the stain on the side of my leg where I wiped my hand would give it all away; but they didn't seem to notice.

I called my Doctor and discussed this problem with them.
There is nothing in the literature and studies to say that taking Valtrex now will or may prevent me from getting Herpes (if I was even exposed ... he might have been telling the truth), but it can't hurt to try it. 5 days. I'll do it.

There is no shame in what I have, what I have done, or what I may have just acquired. I was even somewhat offended that my Dr was asking me about this someone because I may have given him HIV through this wound if there had been any blood in my mouth. (Like I didn't check, am not aware, or was trying to expose him).
I refuse to wear shame.

To: "James"  Subject: You are so right

 

If no one will listen, why the hell do you care to write? I think you're a bit pompous yourself with your ungodly and inefficient methods of wisdom. How about that?

How about that.
I write for me. I share because I want to. I don't push anything on anyone.

Yes. It's why I had the "selflessness" crusade and STILL nobody could bluntly tell me the truth (except *my old room mate*...). I know I'm an arrogant person---It's good to me. Little something called "avoiding pride".

You avoid nothing in the way of Pride - and I bluntly told you the truth daily.

Me, it makes up for the lack of love I get otherwise, the love I need. If nobody else gives it to me, then I'll give it to myself. Secondary Note: If I didn't' quote myself, who the hell would? Some of them would be those people decades from now that write the history books about all the great things I accomplished. I did those history writers a FAVOR. Also, there are other people that I have observed to INTEGRATE what I have said into what they have said, WITHOUT giving me credit....so it's my revenge for those that didn't value me as a human being : D Everyone else can quote me without giving credit and my wisdom has already spread.

You assume that historians will care what you said. You also assume you said it first - are you certain those others are quoting you?

Uhhhhhh, the HOPE you talk about in the journals, to your therapist about. The HOPE that you can have a companion or whatever the hell it is you're wanting. I think you deserve the acceptance which I wasn't able to continue to afford you. And I think you know I'm right.

You are right. I still have no Hope.

B: I have to wonder how much of this I had fulfilled and then failed in our relationship (Please DON'T answer that).
 
:D Okay numb-nuts. I don't see you or anyone else as business investments. I see them as personal investments. You are a wonderful man on many levels, you just weren't "inspiring" in the way that I require. I need to be lathered in love every now and then, and feel like it's something special (that beaming stuff). I'll probably end up with someone like myself that will UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT RRR (P.S. you were 90% overall....) PSS You didn't fail, I failed

Thank you for not answering.

He's useless other than for companionship. Dad asked me "Why are you friends with him again, you know he's not worth anything".....and I have been MATURE AND FUCKING WISE AND NICE AND EVERYTHING by MAKING UP and not burning my bridges. P.S. that was the FIRST time I EVER dropped *him* like a rock. He needed to learn a lesson, and he's learned it. We communicate on a different (more self-aware) level now. We actually communicate better and more openly. THERE'S A GOOD REASON FOR BAD THINGS, MR. FEELINGS.

I KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING. I DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO TEACH PEOPLE. THEY EITHER LEARN THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY.

 

*he* is no longer dependent upon people (as much as he was). *he* references himself as being "intuitive"....I've rubbed off on him IN MANY WAYS....LARGELY BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN AND YOU HAVE...repeat HAVE to bonk them over the head...I DO IT BY "PUTTING THEM ASUNDER", "CONSCIOUS MANIPULATION", "MAKING THEM FEEL BAD, THEN GOOD", or WHATEVER

 

Trust me, it works!

Now you are yelling and calling me names.

 Simple concept: If people don't enjoy what they have, then take it away from them. Give it back to them when they have learned to live without it. Then shall they enjoy it more. Don't just tell them to enjoy it.

You are right. Bye now.

 People only listen to self-created value....you've told me this in your communications more or less....I suggest you follow your own advice. And now I want you to know I'm not angry at you or anything (being cautious to your perception). I'd utterly LOVE to see you this weekend and hope that things are going well there....if you need a vacation you can pilgrim on down anytime you want : )......and I'm going to walk outside & enjoy nature for 30 minutes after I write this, then I will masturbate and figure out what else I want to do.  

 

Thank you for your time. It is precious. I hope mine wasn't too scary....

0310.18

Okay, so much to go over.
I am relearning my new computer. Ray isn't even done with it all, but it's running so much better now.
The biggest disappointment is that we lost all the information on the old drive. Ray tried to save it, but with all the permissions and lock downs that James apparently installed - the information would not copy or transfer. Ray is currently trying to 'bludgeon' the information out of the hard drive to disks from his computer at home - but things do not look good.
My room mate lost a huge music file. I lost my porn file (it was also very large) all my old documents (including the unfinished novel and all the Haywood updates and corrections). The website was technically lost - but I can pull it all back from the web.

Now, James keeps writing me.
Let me see if I can get the new mail program to cooperate. Well, here is the reply - which I should point out, isn't a reply. I was experimenting with the new mail program, and since I had the letter, what I did was just send it back to him - no reply.

 *********** REPLY SEPARATOR ***********

On 10/15/2003 at 4:29 PM James wrote:

>The below was written in an Alan Watts group (which I had joined a couple weeks ago). My responses are intended to illustrate to You my understanding of the lessons you have been trying to share with me.

>Q: There is a level of reification that we must be able to agree to, sufficient to keep track of time and place, and function in this world of Maya, else I cannot meet you for lunch at the sandwich shop right at 11:30. The undifferentiated field is either very confusing, or quickly becomes boring, as we seem almost by our nature compelled to try to sort things out.

>"...else I cannot meet you for lunch at the sandwich shop right at 11:30" implies a lack of common understanding in such a case of absence of "reification" AKA common understanding and similarity. The discussion that you have been reading is regarding the makeup of reality, human perception, and the Zen void.

>Q: A baby born blind, and later restored to sight, or (like a friend of ours I'll call Jim) had a very high fever in early childhood, takes years, or sometimes never, develops the ability to make sense of the light inputs. In Jim's case, short-term memory was also lost. He knows if the light is on or not.

>Our brains adapt with the tools that are available. If one is blind, then one has the absence of the ability to adapt through visual means. Visual means are controlled in the back of the brain. Other senses are controlled mid-brain. The mid-brain of a blind person will be more developed than the visual sensory cortex. The visual sensory cortex will be under-developed as compared to normal humans. So it is completely understandable that those without sight for years that have medical operations or whatever to regain sight will not have as much visual ability as normal people.

>Likewise, the void can also be the point of reckoning for "starting over" or for separating from perception. The word "void" in itself is connotative of darkness, emptiness, nothingness. Yet darkness, emptiness, nothingness, and the void itself is exstensible of perception ::smirk::

>Q: AI researchers took years to realize that our eye, and the large chunk of brain attached to and involved with it, does an awful lot of parallel processing to figure out edges, shapes, textures, and recognize hazards or food items in our million-or-so pixels, about ten times a second.[1]

>This is to say that perception is seemingly continuous, like a "scanner"

>Q: And two eyes taken together do this wonderful trick of interpreting ranging information from the slight clues in the differences in their images, thus 3D movies, stereopticons, and the strange 3D-effect texture pictures of the late eighties (that some people still can't seem to decipher. Hmmm.)

>Like the books they used to sell at school (grade school book fairs), where there was a colored picture with apparently no structure (tons of wiggles or chaotic design), yet when you crossed your eyes the right way you could see trees, humans, animals, etc.

>It was peripheral vision that allowed kids to see pictures of discernable things in printed images of lines and wiggles.

>(I recall that you asked me something about my peripheral vision, to which I replied more-or-less that I am great at peripheral vision ; ) The void is my peripheral vision.

>Q: The other point your posts brought back to me from the hours and hours of Alan's talks that first the old KMET, and later the inimitable and wonderful Roy of Hollywood at KPFK has given unto us (that's how I came to it.) Our language shapes (or conversely, is shaped by, or perhaps both) our perception and our Model of the Universe.

>Language affecting perception was one of Alan Watt's themes.

>Q: The Western sentence structure of [Subject, Verb, Object] dovetails with and _requires_ a cosmology of [Father, Holy Ghost, Son] or [I, Love, You] to stay balanced on its three legs (as of a stool) and thus we _must_ have a Trinity.

>A neat observation (trinity in itself) (in itself) (ad infinum)

>A mirror opposing a mirror, relfecting, reflecting, reflecting. People are smoke and mirrors. The thing inbetween the mirrors is the void. The smoke is human perception. Each mirror represents good/bad, exsists/non-exists, yes/no etc. etc. etc.

>Q: If there is only the Nothingness, we feel lost, adrift with our structure grid that we try to lay over the Universe (like the strings at an archeological site) and call it sorted-out; it makes us most uncomfortable, and the organized mind shies away from such thoughts as just too subversive.

>To me personally...I feel drawn towards the nothingness (the void, etc.). In my crackpot mind I see reality as something that is "determined" via my own or other's perceptions. Thus, in order to influence the perceptions of those that believe that reality is simply reality, I can be one with nothingness....to have no thoughts...no feelings...just sample the external environment.

>Imagine me sitting in your living room....imagine me looking around at all the different things....imagine me not seeing any apparent value or meaning in the things I observe...imagine me seeing .this is where I can apply my intuition and REPLACE things with only that which I desire, and take notice of myself doing it.

>Example: the time is currently 2:18 PM. Dad was asleep until 2:15. Dad usually drives to *my Brother*'s school at 2PM to pick him up. From my observations, *my Brother* usually doesn't come to the car until 2:30 (for those times I went with dad to get *my Brother*).

>Dad woke up at 2:15. Dad made a judgement that he was late in picking *my Brother* up. Dad made the judgement that it was necessary to ask me why I didn't wake him up. He was obviously upset in his behavior and left to pick up *my Brother*.

>What occured was that dad determined that it was MY RESPONSIBILITY to ensure that HE woke up in time to get *my Brother*. He said things that indicated that I SHOULD have woke him up at the proper time.

>Dad did not consider the fact that he did not judge himself responsible to set the alarm clock to wake him up at a proper time.

>It was more comfortable for dad to blame me than to blame himself.

>I very often see many people saying more or less "You take this responsibility, because I want you to, but I'm not going to take the same amount of responsibility in myself"

>The void is the absence of labels. Once the labels are taken off, all I see are people's emotions and thoughts.

>The void is whatever I make of it (It is good, it is useful, etc.)

>Q: That's where the concept of Letting-Go becomes important. Don't thrash the water, float calmly in the River of Life.

>In my p