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©August 2005 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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Maybe it's a message from God - or maybe it's just a silly thing to expect all at once. There is no line in black and white that says - no more.
There was my friend that called from the military that wants to have lunch. As I said before, it's hard to say no to a friend that will only be in the area for a week when you haven't seen him in 8 years or so. Besides, you know what really made me say yes to that?
He knows I'm HIV positive. He called my house after 8 years and wanted to talk and have lunch and even assumed I was still working - NOT that I was sick, disabled, or even dead.
Scott called this morning. He and his girlfriend have left Virginia and will be here in about 16 hours. They asked if they could stay here - most likely for a night - maybe two. I haven't seen or heard a ton from Scott since his move - I really do want to see him and maybe catch up with his girlfriend as well. He is coming here because he has finally decided that it will be easier to come here and renew his drivers license, then to go through all the hassles of getting it renewed there with 100 forms of ID. I'm glad to have him for any reason. And it isn't as if he's staying a long time.
Then there is Greg. He called and said he had gotten my note and read some of my journals and was worried - mostly about my money situation and he had some of the money he owed me and would really like to drop it by and see me just for a bit. I called him back when I got his message. It was about an hour later - I had to stay at work about 2 hours late.
I told him it wasn't necessary, and it could wait, but he really wanted to. So he came over and we talked for about a half hour or so - and he gave me $40 of the $200 I loaned him. I made sure he wasn't putting himself at risk - but he assured me that he had been paying back others, and I was one of the only ones left. This money is what he had from tips over his gas and expenses. He also figured it would be easier for him to pay me back in little bits then all at once. I then loaned him the book "The Perks of being a Wallflower". I told him to drop me a line when he finished it and I would come and get it - then it's MFIJ's turn to read it. Then I might also get the chance to quote some really good parts of it here before giving it back to 'C'.

I'm going to take a break and eat and play Solitaire for a little bit.
I'll come back and write about the Airport fiasco - then everything will be caught up.

===

MFIJ's Friend called and asked if (we) had found him any information on a game he is playing and is stuck in. MFIJ and I where supposed to look around for it on the computer this weekend. Totally spaced it off. I did it this afternoon and took it over to him. He and I talked some more about MFIJ - and also that He (The Friend) just (as of last night) lost his job because the business closed.

I just did my shopping - went a hair over budget and forgot one thing - but did really well for myself. Everything I got should last me for the rest of the month if I play it all right. (I used the $40 that Greg just paid me back - went over by $7 and change - but I still have all of the money Mother gave me for 'breakfasts'. All things considered - I still have enough to last me the two weeks she gave me money for).

Okay - the short and fast Airport fiasco. I keep calling that - but frankly, I think that anything that ends in coming home instead of taking your flight ... is a fiasco.
I tried to help out as much as I could - and just basically stay quite and out of the line of fire once the shit began to hit the fan.
Dave is a procrastinator. Barb is emotionally prone, and a little of a control freak. All in all, I just figured this was a disastrous mix for travel of any kind. I know of these factors - and knew what I was getting into - and as I said, tried to help.
I keep reminding myself - keep it short - I have other things to do.
Plan - Dave left work at Noon, to pack. Barb got off work at 3:30. I pick up Dave and the luggage - we pick up Barb and are on the road for the airport, planned arrival 4:45 to 5pm for a flight that leaves at 6:10.
Knowing Dave procrastinates - I go over at 3pm and offer to help him pack - which he hadn't begun yet. At 3:20 he told me to go and get Barb, and he would be ready by the time we got back. I picked up Barb - she was not happy that her husband was not in the car and either was the luggage. We get back to the house - Dave is not there. She calls. He was getting a prescription filled, which wasn't supposed to be a prescription but now it is and they are calling the Doctor to get an okay to fill - blah - blah. Barb puts the luggage in the car - but locks her keys in the house. He gets back and unlocks the house and everyone except me is yelling. It is now 4:20.
I am still able to get them to the airport by 5:30. Yeah, I hauled ass.
I don't know if I hid the jaw drop well, but honestly I couldn't believe this reaction when I asked. On the way there, Barbs mom called her cell. She talks - and that meant that Dave and I had to be quite so she could hear. I was pulling into the airport and leaned over and kind of whispered,
"Which air line so I can find the terminal?"
"Oh Shit! Mom, I have to go right now." They didn't know what airline they where traveling on, or have the flight information with them. By the time we found the right Airline, and terminal - they where at the check in desk when the supervisor came up and said boarding was finished - no one else is getting on board now.
E-tickets - non refundable - unclaimed a half hour before flight time, already reassigned to someone else ... hell they where pressing the 15 minute mark for final boarding by the time they hit the desk.
They got back in the car and Barb stops crying and starts making phone calls about switching the flight. To do so would have cost them over 8 to 9hundred Dollars. They didn't have that kind of money. We started back home and aimed for a restaurant. They gave me the gas they promised and apologized for dragging me into this mess and bought my dinner. I felt bad for them missing the flight and the family occasion they where trying to get to - but at this point in the game I had heard them curse and blame everyone - and each other - just not themselves. That did change by the next night when I had seen them again. But there in lies my afternoon - and you have read about my night.

All caught up.

Some things to do. Therapy tomorrow. If I haven't heard from my military friend by then I'll call him and see what day works well for him - and I should have Scott here by tomorrow.
Then ... no one.

Oh, what the hell - lets bend just a little to my gay gene. When in doubt - fall back on the advice of a Musical

- Where Do I Go -
HAIR, original movie soundtrack

Where do I go
Follow the river
Where do I go
Follow the gulls

Where is the something
Where is the someone
That tells me why I live and die

Where do I go
Follow the children
Where do I go
Follow their smiles

Is there an answer
In their sweet faces
That tells me why I live and die

Follow the wind song
Follow the thunder
Follow the neon in young lovers' eyes

Down to the gutter
Up to the glitter
Into the city
Where the truth lies

Where do I go
Follow my heartbeat
Where do I go
Follow my hand

Where will they lead me
And will I ever
Discover why I live and die

Why do I live (beads, flowers)
Why do I die (freedom, happiness)
Tell my why (beads, flowers)
Tell me where (freedom, happiness)
Tell my why (beads, flowers)
Tell me why (freedom!)

This was indeed an interesting day.
Work was long - my trainee is doing well. But is only her second day and she hasn't gotten any speed yet. So I got things kept up to close of the doors. I was a little shaky so I ate at the deli and then went back and caught up on as much as I could before I went to my Therapy appointment.
When I came home Scott and I had a long heart to heart that just swallowed time up for us both. (Oh yeah, he arrived this morning around 9ish and came by work for the key. They went back to shower and then he got his drivers license renewed here and they came back and slept all morning/afternoon after the 16 hour drive). I got home from Therapy about 3:15 and he and I talked and didn't even notice the time until it was about 5:45. We (Scott, his girlfriend and I) ordered some pizza and watched a bad movie. They thought they were going to stay the night or maybe even leave about 2 or 3 am - but decided after dinner that they where awake enough and needed to get back as soon as possible - so they just now left (it's just before 9pm) this way they can drive most of the night without the sun in there eyes and miss a lot of traffic).

MFIJ called and talked to me a little bit on the phone. He seems to think that I am trying to cut all contact with him, and that just isn't the case. I might even go over sometime next week - I'm just not bringing it back to my house. For one month, it will be haven and my sanctuary. On the phone, I have perfect control of how much I will or want to take - because I can hang up. If I am with them - I can leave. When they all come here - I have no retreat.

Anyway. I'm writing to kill a little bit of time before I take my med's and go to bed.
I am boiling some eggs for Tuna Salad tomorrow.

I think it's time to get naked and play some solitaire in the dark

0508.03

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First

8:30 really nauseous and dizzy ... sleepy
Headache
Stomach upset - pain in left side
Chest aches - feel 'short of breath' not enough oxygen ... deep breathing helps for a moment
Still eating (started sandwich @ 6:15 and almost done.
I figure 90 to 100 but could be higher because I am still 'in digestion'
-136- 8:45
137/73 bp ... 86 pulse

Next - My concern about my trainee came up today - she called in. Her dog had puppies and she spent the night at the 'Hospital' (meaning the Vet's). Problem is - she called in (at about 6am this morning). IF she where covering the back and I was on vacation - the store would have been screwed. Not to mention, she missed a day of her training that she desperately needs.

I came home and ate a good lunch that was good for me. Tuna, peas, and some chips with Diet Soda.
My other (late) DVD would not play in my machine.
I was tired but couldn't sleep.
I have no money to spare, but went to the Arcade anyway and just pray that maybe ...

Fact of the matter is - I am pissed that yesterday I was at the top of my game for feeling good and thinking that things where going to be okay - and today I am at the bottom of a very dark whole. It takes so little to bring me down - but on the flip side, it takes so very little to bring me up; but no one will give me any of that.
I keep remembering part of the conversation that Scott and I had. We where talking about being broken. I said that I was now beginning to realize that I am to broken to fix anymore.
"For all the things that you have taught me, and helped me with, and the way I see you live your life - I just can't think of you as Broken." Scott said.
"Broken in a different area." I respond.
I'm tired of hoping and having my hopes left as a cum stain in a dark room. Then next time I think I'm going to put some stranger in my mouth - I think I would rather put a gun barrel there.

done for the night.

Better then yesterday - still not great.

Trainee showed up - and the lights finally came on. She is starting to catch on - but of course she is about 2 days behind schedule and only has 2 days left in her training.

Something in me is nagging about James. Something ~bad~ maybe. I messaged him to see if he responds.
Lunch time.
I've got a cold sore I want to go away now.

===== 19:30

I'm on top of the world Ma!!

You it's like I said, it doesn't take a lot to make me happy. So when something like this happens - I'm over the top.
My friend in the military called me today. I had tried to call him back, but the number I had wasn't working (his Mom turned the cell off).
Anyway, he then called me. He mentioned how busy he had gotten and how time was just flying away from him (and I completely understood it - happens to me on every vacation I take) and that he was leaving in a couple of days and really wanted to get together and see a movie or something. I mentioned that I didn't have any money, but would love to get together and catch up on things. We ended up talking on the phone for about a half hour before he said he was just going to come over (partly because we started talking about movies - and he mentioned that he saw one I have looked for endlessly for, at Best Buy - and he wanted to go to Best Buy for some computer supplies). He asked if I still lived in the same place (and I do) and then he showed up at my door in about 20 minutes. I open the door and said,
"You have an incredible memory." Hugs and hello's and more and more talking.
He had a little gift for me - had a story attached to it also. It was a small bottle of perfume/cologne, which he acquired in (and I hope I'm remembering this right - and I looked it up to spell it right ~trying to remember the sound of it and the location he pointed out to me on a map) Kyrgyzstan. The guy behind the counter was being REALLY nice to him, and then just gave him this little bottle. He found out later that this scent is supposed to be for men to attract men. He really liked the scent - and being married his wife doesn't mind what he wears. He said he noticed guys are nicer around him with this stuff on - maybe it would do me some good.
"Well, It definitely couldn't hurt." I replied. I'll have to try it the next time I go out to the bar.
We went to Best Buy, where he did find (the only copy left) and insisted on buying it for me (because I was the one that introduced him to the movie) a DVD of "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead". Then he decided he really wanted to see a movie anyway, so he paid for me - and we saw "Fantastic Four". We went back to his parents place and he showed me pictures of his kids and wife, and pictures of the island he is stationed on.
I'm telling you - from about 2pm to a little after 7pm, I was in heaven and having a great time with a good friend.
We exchanged e-mails so we can keep in touch as well.

Thank you God, for bringing into my life just the things I needed to remember when I was feeling the lowest I have in years.

Got slammed at work, and my trainee insisted on staying with me to finish off the day. She needed to, so I was glad, but that however means that I am just now getting home from work (at 2:40 - when I should be getting off at noon).
But my real question is - I ate a full breakfast and still had a crash at 9am, and had a snickers bar then. That snickers bar (all of ?35 carbs?) last me from 9am to now and I haven't dropped past 70. As I said, we got slammed at work, and I was running around a lot so it isn't as if I was just sitting there ... why is that?
Could it be that my diabetes medication is causing me to crash at work and then stabilize after ward?

I am about to make my lunch (Tuna and peas with chips and diet soda) and watch my new DVD of "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
Hopefully my Mother will return my call and loan me the $70 I need to pick up two med's (Danazol for platelets - the one I am currently out of and can do with out if need be) and Reyataz (HIV med - will run out tomorrow).

==== 22:00

What a night. Sci-Fi night and I could actually hear everything on the TV (except for the time Mom called to tell me she had the money for Med's and to come and get it. And of course, she kept talking so I wasn't gone for just the commercials).
MFIJ called just to say HI, and to let me know he did find a job - and has a call back interview for another one this week. He wants to have both jobs - more money and time occupied to keep him out of trouble.
Sunday is his only day off ... odd, just like me. He gets his first pay check next week, and he wants to take me to dinner and a movie.
I am thrilled and over joyed.
just not sure if i will go ... because i still love him ... and it will never happen

It would also seem that my mind can't be alone.
He doesn't have a name yet ... though Gavin is surfacing. He just moved into town and shops at my work. He has a motorcycle. For some reason, he likes me - I like him back but I'm resisting. I haven't figured him out yet, maybe he just likes the punishment or the thought of a challenge ~ don't really care ... I'm sure I will frack it up.

i am so pathetic

I found another personals page that was free so I thought I would try a different page - here's the new 'add' ?What do you think? Better then the last one?

I just got back from the Bar (The Tool Shed). Spent about $6 there for two drinks and some darts. I actually had a good time - my cricket game against myself was fierce. Close game.
Barb dropped off a movie she thinks I should really see - so I'm getting ready to sit down with my Wendy's food and watch it.

== 0508.07:02:02

So far, this movie that Barb brought won't work in my DVD player. I'll try a few tricks tomorrow.
Watched the Outer Limits instead. Started to fall asleep even though I've been asleep all day and even had a 'Gay Fuel' at the bar. I guess I'll sleep some more.
I was also talking to MFIJ tonight on the phone. He likes his job, the one he had an interview with was disappointing with good news. They called him because he scored the highest possible score on the application test. They really wanted to hire him - but because he has a Felony they CAN'T and just wanted to let him know that. They let him know that after 7 years, the felony will fall off the records they check and they could consider it then, but not now. He was disappointed but has been taking pride in the fact that he scored the highest on the test.
"I guess I'm not stupid." He said.
"Well of course I've been telling you that now for a long time. I guess I should have tested you before so you would believe me." I said laughing.
"I guess I'm just to dumb to listen." He said jokingly.
"Hey! Didn't we just establish that you where not dumb?" I respond. After we laughed a little longer, he told me about the remote control cars he is trying to build to pass his spare time. He wants to put an old weed eater motor in it. I just kept thinking about Tim Allen in Home Improvement grunting away and yelling "More Power!" as MFIJ worked on these cars. He can't wait to get them running and then show them to me.
"I miss talking to you these last couple of weeks." He said.
"Uh, it's only been one week." I said.
"God, it feels like forever! I miss you." He said. Honestly, I miss him as well. I think I miss him more then any one else right now. However, he will still never be want I want him to be. I have to get past that before I really can be just his friend. It will happen ... it's happened for everyone else in my past . *sigh*

Who knows ... with the new personal, and this great cologne ...
well ... I might at least get laid one more time before I die.

I'm obviously tired ... I'm going to bed now.

I received e-mail notification that my new add had been approved, but edit (uh ... wouldn't that mean it wasn't really approved?) So I went and checked it out - and it's just like it is above and I realized they took out the line "My life is up on the web at misfitslife (com)" (which was right before "I'm HIV+...").
I can live with it - they actually enforced the rule about no URL's by personally looking at it.
Anyway, I sent a bunch of "hottie" notices (this site allows you to make a list and send as many of those without using up your e-mail limits (only 10 a day). I looked at "Who view your add" and had 8 people look at it - 2 from out of state ... one from my hottie list ... No replies, hottie notifications or anything.

so ... what happens now?
I go back to bed after my breakfast and med's. I think I will take myself to the movies today (mom gave me some extra money) and I will try not to think about that - and I won't have to do it for long - because it's a only free for 3 days. Then I have to decide to join or cancel.

===== 21:45

Well, I'm home again.
I've seen three movies today. "Bad News Bears", "Dukes of Hazard" and "Hustle and Flow".
It is amazing that you can spend this much money and see that many movies - because this time I wasn't paying for 1 to 3 others.
The guy that works there that recognizes me, and talks to me, and is just cool - was working again tonight. After my second movie he told me this was his last night there. I have to admit, I kind of went back for the third movie just for the chance of maybe talking to him again. I figured I would never see him again. But, maybe I will. He and I actually talked a lot more after the third movie. He actually asked me for my name - and I gave him my e-mail address. He is a movie fanatic and has dreams of making movies - and he likes horror movies (told me about a zombie movie he wants to make). I ought to try and hook him up with Melissa to talk movie technical with - bounce ideas off each other. Maybe I will actually get to be an actor in a movie they make *L*.

Anyway. I had a great day. I'm going to eat a little and go to bed because 6am will be coming much sooner then I really want.

As I woke up I had two revelations.
The first one, I can't go into right now - I don't have the time - and it's about my love life.
The Second one, Work will be hell today because there is something that I have been putting off repeatedly over the week and still haven't finished because it just gets so late with the Trainee that I want to go home and it will have to be done today before we can send everything into the office.
I'm fucked.

She was late - her power had gone out.
We got SLAMMED hard at about 9. We were there until 1:30 when I just called it quits for us - told her what we would be doing first thing in the morning to catch up.
As you can see - blood sugar magik (now if only I could get the sex part in with the Chili Peppers).

Some lunch and some Solitaire and I'll get into my 'revelation' this morning.

===== 18:20

"Not much new there." he said, and yet there was.
"Go into detail. Delve! Delve! Delve!" He demanded in frustration and relax into the echo. "Establish the situation." He asked calmly.

I had a revelation this morning.
Barb brought me a movie to watch - which at first I couldn't watch because my DVD player said it was incompatible, but today ... it still was, until I watched the special features on the flip side, cleaned the disk ... and it play. As fascinated as I was ~ it was nothing new to me - just a less then pleasant reminder of everything I have forgotten.

No snowflake falls in an inappropriate place. All things are tied together. God is. I am not. Don't know. Life is a mystery to be experienced and enjoyed and learned from. You are in control. You are a God. You can (and must) think.
I think my favorite quote from the movie at this point (though there are hundreds) is:
"It is not about 'are you in the Know'; It's about 'are you part of the mystery?'"

Honestly, I will have to watch the film again. I fell asleep. Not because it is boring or because I was uninterested - but because I fell asleep.

My revelation.
My question - Why can't I get a love relationship to work?
My answer - You stupid hopeless romantic, you have been trying since the beginning of this existence to prove that Love will overcome all odds. You pick the insurmountable odds and you find that all the reasons that would hold you back - fade away. Then you wait for the other to come to the same realization - one which they are not yet ready to see, or ready to try ~ and frankly, you are a poor teacher when it comes to getting them to understand.

I have said it before - I'll say it again.
There is NO LACK of Love in my life. I feel it for everyone of my friends and family and for everyone I meet in the world. I am full of love and it flows from me and I AM able to attract it in other people.
God Bless my friends and family for the love they give me - it has kept me going in the hardest of times.

I still feel alone ... and by my own admittance and denial - because I must WANT to.
This movie remind me - that I CAN change that (once again - IF I WANT TO).

I might have forgotten what I knew ... or felt was true ... but I am still operating instinctively on many levels of this life.
I made a change.
I called a break from everyone for a month. A gap for reevaluation.
God gave me some signs, and I am listening to them. I am listening to myself.
I guess the irony here is that it is time for me to close my eyes and see what I have been overlooking.

(the little zen companion ~ found on the floor by my feet); I closed my eyes and thought, then open the book and read in large bold letters:

Great Faith.
Great Doubt.
Great Effort.
THE THREE QUALITIES NECESSARY
FOR TRAINING.

Now, once again I ask you; For as many times as I have done this, and it is relevant - how can you say there is no God, that he isn't listening, or talking to you every day?
by the way - the Movie Barb brought me was "What the Bleep do we Know?!"

If you have any comments or feedback - please tell me. misfit@misfitslife.com
Suggest this entry as a highlight misfit@misfitslife.com

IF YOU ARE LOCAL

Clean out your closet because TAP needs your shoes! The Topeka AIDS Project is in need of nearly 1600 pairs of shoes!  Each pair will represent a Kansan who has died of AIDS related complications.  TAP plans to display these shoes on the south steps of the Capitol Building on September 29 to give a powerful message to our state and lawmakers that HIV/AIDS has not gone away.  There will be extensive media coverage and activists from all over the country will be in attendance.  This is in cooperation with the national Campaign To End AIDS ( www.campaigntoendaids.org ).  This is the Campaign's vision:

WE DEMAND THAT OUR LEADERS...

1. Fully fund quality treatment and support services for all people living with HIV everywhere in the world.
2. Ramp up HIV prevention at home and abroad, guided by science rather than ideology.
3. Increase research to find a cure, more effective treatments and better prevention tools.
4. Fight AIDS stigma and protect the civil rights of all people with HIV and AIDS everywhere.

IN 2005, WE URGE LAWMAKERS TO...

1. Reauthorize and fully fund the Ryan White CARE Act.
2. Keep Medicaid strong for people with HIV/AIDS and all other beneficiaries.
3. Strengthen the global fight against AIDS by fully funding the Global Fund and backing 100% debt cancellation.
4. Restore and revive effective HIV prevention worldwide based on the best science.

WE HAVE THE TOOLS TO STOP AIDS.

LET'S DEMAND THAT OUR LEADERS USE THEM.

When you donate your shoes, please let us know the sizes.  Each pair will later be given to TAP's clients. 
The remaining shoes will be sold to raise desperately needed funds for the agency at the TAP Shoe Sale.
Thank you

IF YOU ARE NOT LOCAL - CHECK the national Campaign To End AIDS ( www.campaigntoendaids.org ) TO SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO.

And once again - I love my friends.
I received 4 messages this morning. Three from friends. One from ... well, you decide.

When my screen came to life this morning - there was a yahoo message window up and waiting for me from 'C'. It was a simple message.
'C'(10:58:24 PM):
I replied with this:
misfitlife (5:44:56 AM): don't stick that out at me unless you intend to use it ... How have you been doing? anyone at the bar miss me I miss you anyway. Hope to see you around sometime and talk to you later ~ yesterday was *movie guy*'s last day at the Theater I think he's working in the mall now

I checked my e-mail next. Two letters. One from Scott (which was a response from my Movie recommendation), and the other from Greg, just checking up.

Subject : Re: Movie Recommend   From : Scott <Likwid Kaos>   Date : 8/8/2005 6:44pm

On 8/8/05, misfit@misfitslife.com < misfit@misfitslife.com> wrote:

In case you haven't seen it

"What the bleep do we know" is a film with everything we have ever talked about in it, and presented in a way that many others can understand.
I like the fact that they blend science and spirituality - do not condemn religion but do show where it breaks down, and are aware they do not have all the answers - just really good questions and a place to look for the answers.
They also have a web site http://whatthebleep.com

also - I checked on the crocodile blood site - now it isn't there ... may have to look around some more.

MiSfI+ out

awesome, i'll check into it! i might just have to rent this one though. how have you been? hows the no friend thing going? =/ i was very sad to hear that you wanted to do that, but i completly understand your reasoning. you're doing what i sometimes do. if i can't figure out the problem, eleminate everything and slowly let little things back one by one. i don't think that's EXACTLY what you are up too... but close :p

things here are okay. i have applied for a big tech job in a city about an hour from here. it's at some university of business. it would be just like my helpdesk job ** so i'm hoping they will see my experience and let me in. i have turned finding a job into a full time job and spend from 8am-5pm looking. it's weird... i've never wanted a job so bad in my life!

miss you bunches and hope to hear from you soon!

Scott

Subject : price check on a bottle of tang   From : Greg   Date : 8/9/2005 3:26 am

Hay bro just checking up on your in your month of solitude ,
*My girlfriend* told me to tell u hi, hope everything is going good and am saving
up more money for your payback, slowly and shurley getting it built up,
well hope everything is good and let me know when u want to hang out

u know the number

The one and only
Tang, Greg

P. S.
http://www.happyproduct.com/more1.html
oh yah check out this movie its really good
Greg

I did check out the movie - and I really recommend it also (thus the reason I supplied the link).
Then for a second, my heart leapt in excitement. There was a reply to my second ad. And it read :

*** TO RESPOND TO THIS MEMBER, GO TO THE URL BELOW ***
Age: 47
Sexual Position: Versatile
Race: White
Prefers: Safe Sex Only
Local City: Lawrence
----------------- Message From *garyagain* -----------------
you're a handsome fella. good luck!
*** PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL ***
<URL to reply from listed here in the e-mail>

Any one else taking that as a "Good luck! (with anyone else - I'm not interested)"

Work was okay. My trainee is still the same. She has moments of having it down really good then just forgetting it all. I actually feel kind of sad for her at this moment because they just changed something that she will now have to re-learn tomorrow. It's a silly kind of thing, but at least it was hand delivered from the office and I was able to ask questions about it all. Any way, her comment this morning was that 'her light bulb is flickering on slowly' to which I replied,
"We will have to screw that bulb in tight before I try to take a vacation."
The other funny thing at work today:
One of my vendors (and one that I like and joke around with quite a bit) is mischievous and has probably started a 'prank war' with another vendor. Funny as it was, I feel the most sorry for him.
He is one of my bread vendors - there is no air conditioning in his truck. It's actually been a joke every summer that they end up delivering Toast in those trucks. The guy that removes the scrap meat from the Butchers was bragging about how he has air conditioning his truck - and that it isn't so bad out side when it's almost cold in his truck. This I found out in retrospect.
My trainee made a mistake, which she caught and fixed ~ but it did cause a bit of a back up in the vendors, and also drained the battery in the hand held. I took over so we could catch up and hopefully before the battery died.
I let out one vendor and the meat guy. I should have caught on from all the comments my Bread vendor made as the meat guy was leaving "Oh, just shut up and go back to your air conditioned truck and get out of here." As the meat guy was leaving, he followed me out also, and I asked him to help me with bringing in some product by the door to help out another vendor and keep things moving. He was helping, but distracted - and moving really slow. I'm trying to hurry him up so I can get all these people out of the back room. Finally he lets me know why he's moving slow.
"He's going to be so mad when he gets in his truck." He said. The other vendor out there turned to watch also. The meat guy opens his cab and begins to climb in.
"Why? What did you do?" I asked. He just . The cab door closed.
"Wait for it ..." He said. Suddenly the door opened up again and the meat guys frowning face comes out.
The other vendor out there laughed, my bread vendor just raised his middle finger.
"What the hell did you do!??" I asked again.
"Oh, I will get even with you!" the meat guy yelled out.
"I just thought you should have a taste of what the rest of go through!" He yelled back laughing.
"What the hell did you do?!!" I asked again.
The meat guy drove off (and I should point out - he knows it was a joke, but he will get even), and I got everyone else back inside with the product they needed.
One more time "What did you do?!?" This is when I was told about all his bragging, and that my bread man just went up into his cab and turned his heater on full blast while he was inside working. So, it was pretty hot in his truck by the time he got out there. "Oh god." I said chuckling. "You are going to get it so bad." I said.
"What me?" he replied.
"You realize, he could literally put a dead cow in your toaster and let that stink cook into your truck?"
"Or Chicken", "Or Fish" the other vendors kicked in.
"I think I may have started a prank war." He said.
"Just so long as you realize you started it, and don't bring it in here." I said.

My Trainee is still trying to learn how to end a day - and that alone kept us there until about 2pm instead of us getting out about 12:30 like I would have been able to do. I felt like I was about ready to pass out. I ate at the Deli before leaving.
I tried to watch "What the Bleep do we know" again - but it is 'incompatible' with my DVD player again .
I've set down here to write my replies to the above messages - then I'm going to consider if I really want to work on typing in all the directions for my job so that it is easy to read (and easier to edit) or if I want to only worry about work when I am getting paid.
I mean ... yesterday (and I still owe him an apology) one of my Vendors came up to me after I had clocked out with an invoice and some product to be checked in.
I was telling the Bread vendor about this. And to make my comments about it all, you have to understand one other thing ... my bread vendor LOVED getting my 'Moron' all riled up and angry and throwing tentertantrums. Most of the time all he has to do is tease him about how he even gets internet women to reject him before he's even had the chance to meet them and truly leave a bad impression.
"So why do you owe him an apology?" He asked me.
"Well, after I am off the clock, I truly stop watching my mouth." I said. He just looked at me a little confused. "He came up to me about 15 to 20 minutes after I had clocked out with an invoice. I ran it for him, off the clock even - just so it could be done right."
"... And?" He said trying to coax me along to finish the story. I just grinned. "Oh, god, what did you say to him?"
"I need to apologize because when I had him the invoice to sign I said, 'I don't know why I'm doing this for you. It must be because you are just so damn cute.'"
"Oh God!" He said laughing. "Is it sexual harassment if you are clocked out?" He asked me jokingly.
"I don't know. That why I should really apologize. I couldn't believe I actually let that fall out of my mouth." I said.
"Oh, I don't know. With all the things you have had in your mouth I'm sure some very interesting things fall out of it." He said laughing.
"Oh, you Bastard!" I said laughing with him. "You know I only wish I could have had ~"
"Please! Don't gross me out with this reply!" He said cutting me off. I had to laugh even more.
"You know, I got a reply to one of my internet personal adds." and I told him about that letter and my impressions of it. "Hell, I'm starting to feel like *Moron* now." Everyone back there that heard that just cringed and yelled out "Ouch! That was cold!"

It's not the job I love, it's the people that I work with.

Hmm - MFIJ just called. He didn't want to leave a message, but I called him back because I would have figured he would have been at work - but he called from his home. I called to see what was up. He just got off work. He thinks he will be working some doubles the rest of the week, and may not have the energy to take me out on Sunday. He would really like to eat dinner with me tonight.
He then also mentioned an errand he wants to run. I sense an ulterior motive, but he did come right out and mention it. I think this is more along the lines of 'I really need to run this errand, but I have the money to pay you back by taking you to dinner.'
I made the arrangement.
I do really miss him allot. I would like to spend some time with him and see how things are going with him.
And as Scott said - let things in little by little and see if that was a point of aggravation.

Replies:

To *garyagain*
Thanks for thinking I was Handsome.
Good Luck?
Is that to mean "good luck, with someone else - because I'm not interested!" ?
Or "Good luck - because you will need it. I don't think anyone else will even respond to your add." ?
Just kind of curious in how that was meant to be taken since you didn't say anything about wanting to meet or even talk.

=== Off to get MFIJ. I'll respond to Scott and Greg when I get back.

--- 19:35

Well, there is two hours and $25 lost.
It was to late to run the errand he wanted to. He was however starving and he told me about how hard he works and doesn't eat all day - so by the time he gets home he's starving and right now there is nothing at his house to eat. He was jacked up on caffeine and wanting to rush - but needed to because the money he had was in a check from his mother.
Dillon's wouldn't cash it like he thought, and it was to late for the bank (but we tried).
I finally just drove across the street to McDonald's and bought dinner for us (with the extra money my mother had given me). Aside from the help at McD's being stupid (I'm sorry, but the girl taking our order must have been new, but wouldn't call for help until MFIJ pointed out our total for just his food was $17 and it should have only been about $10 with his math skills - she had completely screwed up the order ... had he not noticed that, we wouldn't have even gotten the right food. The manager came over and helped her fix it - then stayed while I ordered. I value sized my meal, but when she gave me my drink she gave me a medium glass - I went back. It was the manager that finally came back to help me - "I value sized my meal, so I need the large drink, not this medium." I said. Hell, she was there. But instead my jaw nearly dropped as she said, "You did what to your meal? What does that mean?" ... "It means I ordered and was charged for a large drink, not this medium. May I have a large cup, please?" She looked at me like I was trying to rip her off and slammed a large cup down in front of me), I had a good time talking to MFIJ.
At one point he had me laughing so hard I could barely breath.
"Are you done?" He asked me.
"Not just yet, why?"
"I want to go and smoke." He said.
"Go ahead." I replied taking another bite of my burger.
"I want to wait for you."
"Oh, like I want to go and stand out in this heat while you smoke a cigarette." I said.
He just looked at me, then opened his mouth like he was going to make a comment - paused, then belched instead.
Maybe you just had to be there, see the expression on his face - I was in hysterics.
Anyway, then he began to want to fall asleep - so I took him home, or close to it actually. I dropped him off at the top of the block because he wanted to talk to someone before going home to bed. It struck me as curious.
At dinner, he told me about the last girl he slept with - and how terrible she was, and how she tried to take all the money in his wallet when he was in the bathroom. Frankly the things he told me about what he did to her, and wanted to do to her next turned me on a lot ... made me wish once again for something I will not ever be able to have.
On the way home he told me she was the last. He's done with women now.
"Does that mean you are ready to go back to men now?" I asked with a smile.
"Oh God, Bret. I'm way to tired now to be making any serious decisions. Don't take advantage of me." He said.
"Like I ever have." I replied.
I dropped him off. I felt like crap - I felt alone - I felt a little used (and Honestly folks, I think his not having the money was an honest mistake and he is promising once again that on Sunday, he will pay me back for all of tonight, plus the $5 he 'owes' me and take me to a movie. Frankly ... I'll believe it on Sunday when it happens ~ and I don't care if it doesn't, it will just let me know for sure ...) and I felt alone ... I went to the arcade and pushed $9 into the video and sweat my ass off in the hot little room with NO ONE else even making an attempt to even watch.
*sigh*
Dinner $16 and small change, $1 change in my car for some cigarettes, and $9 at the arcade. I'm not really counting the change in the car to the $25 I spent.

Came home and in my e-mail is another reply.

-------------------- Message From *garyagain* --------------------
Hey there! I sure didn't mean to offend. You are a good looking guy and the good luck was meant as
good luck finding what you are looking for! I'm an older dude and usually younger fellas don't want
much to do with me. But I still like to flirt and that's what I was trying to do!! Would be happy to
talk with you.*his email address* if you're interested.

I'm only 8 years younger then he is.
If that was his idea of 'flirting' he needs a lot more practice.

First I'll respond to my friends.

Subject : :)   From : Bret <MiSfI+>   To : Scott <Likwid Kaos>

It is almost exactly what I am trying to do. Piece by piece putting my life and my experiences back together to try and make myself happy again instead of ... just ready to die and waiting ...
I went out for dinner with MFIJ tonight ... mixed results.
I had a response to one of my personal adds - not really a good one.
I got a letter from you and from Greg - and an instant message from 'C' this morning that just about made my day.

I miss you bunches also - really wish we could have had more time to talk and catch up when you where here - but was more then thrilled to have what I was able to get.

Best of luck on all your job hunting.
As always,
Your Friend
MiSfI+
Bret

Subject : :)   From : Bret <MiSfI+>   To : Greg <Tang>

Hey Greg,
Thanks for the movie link - it was fantastic.
I was actually going to write you today just to touch base and see what was going on. I guess great minds think alike. Have you had a chance to read that book yet? (or did you forget about it )

Well, anyway - I think my little retreat is working. My attitude is improving - but I still haven't solved some of my problems - so there is still a lot of work to do.

Tell *your Girlfriend* I said hello back and give her a hug for me (anything else you do - do for you and don't tell me about it *L* )

And as for the money - really just take your time. I know how hard things are right now (for everyone) and I'm doing okay. I appreciate the effort alone.

I should go now.
I just wanted to let you know you helped make my day with your e-mail.

PS - when I want to hang out I should call *his work phone* right? *ROFL*
As always,
L8+r my Friend,
MiSfI+
Bret

----------- to *garyagain* -------
Most of my friends are half my age - I understand the frustration of them not wanting anything to do with an "older dude" but I'm only 8 years younger then you are. I've gotten used to being looked on as "Jez, your older then my dad" from my younger friends, but with my older friends I'm usually an equal or a friend - not the child.
I'm sorry that we got off on the wrong foot (I mean cum stains on sneakers are a bitch), maybe we can make sure we are laying down when we try this again ...
wait ... THAT would be flirting, some humor and a conversation starter.
I guess I should just wish you good luck with then next guy you write. I've exceeded my three free days - I'm going to kill this add.
I visit Lawrence frequently - maybe I'll see you around. Maybe we would do better in person. *hugs* I'm out.

I got the chance to apologize to that vendor today. He just smiled and told me he was cool with it and I didn't have any need to apologize. I thought that showed a lot of maturity - and I was thankful that he understood and accepted my apology.

My trainee did much better today. We actually got out about on schedule today.
She got a summons to appear in court - so I'm thinking my first vacation option will be the last week of August which slops into the first part of September. I think I will wait until the end of this week, and then bring home all the notes I have been working with and type them into the computer. I'm taking my work home with me, I'm not getting paid to do this ... but in the end it will make my life so much easier ... I think it will be worth it.

I didn't have a crash at 9am today. I didn't have a candy bar at all today. At 12:15 we where getting ready to go, and I was sweating, but I didn't feel any other symptoms I would if I was really low. I checked anyway.
-75- not high, not low enough that I thought I had to eat right now - I wait until I got home.

I fell asleep directly after eating - and woke up at 5pm for med's. Went through all my mail and collected my bills. It may not be as bad as I thought.
Had a hell of a time trying to transfer the glucose readings from these pages into word so I can print them out for my Doctor. Finally succeeded though.
One of the things I FINALLY received in the mail was new Log books for my meter.

Time for Ghost hunters and Tripping the Rift.

===== 19:35

I seem to be having an effect on people I didn't know that I was.
MFIJ's Friend just called me.
"Has it been a month yet?" He asked me. I had to laugh,
"Not even close. Only 10 days."
He and I talked for a while, he just wanted to see what was going on and how I was doing. I never really thought he liked me that much. One of the other things that I DID know he did - he looks out for MFIJ and tries his own versions of changing his attitudes.
"Has (he) taken you out to dinner yet?" He asked me.
"Kind of yes and no." I said and explained what happened yesterday, and his promises for this weekend.
"I'm not going to go drinking or spend any money on him until he takes you to a really nice restaurant." He said. I guess now I understand why it's so important to MFIJ to do all this now. I told his friend that wasn't necessary - he should use his situations as leverage, not mine. I can take care of myself. He said it wasn't really like that, but for all the things I have done for both of them (and I really haven't done that much for his friend, he takes care of himself 90% of the time), MFIJ should return the favor at least once.
We laughed about a few other things. He should be starting a new job next week now. He turned in 8 applications and went with the first business that offered more then minimum wage and put him on the schedule. He got a check in the mail from his last job (the one that went out of business) and it wasn't his last paycheck - he got employee of the month for July. We laughed at the irony.
He asked if he could call me again tomorrow. I said yes. I told him I would be paying bills most of the afternoon, but it's Sci-Fi night so I will be here.
I also congratulate him, his two years of probation ends in one more month (end of September).

I have also rearranged the spare room. I have moved the bed away from the walls (something I have been meaning to do since MFIJ had a nightmare and kicked the wall and put a dent in it). I put a light in there that can be turned off from the bed now also. Read in bed and not have to leave the bed to turn off the light.

Speaking of nightmares: I had disturbed sleep last night and this afternoon. Part of the reason I was tired and still tired.
I remember more the 'nightmare' from this morning. I was with my family (all of them Mom, brother, Dad) in a crappy apartment (that remind me of the place my Father first stayed during the separation). I was kneeling next to a bed and trying to eat cereal, my Father was tickling my feet and making me spit up my food and gag. I was getting upset. I asked him to stop, and he thought it was funny and kept doing it. I got more and more upset - and no one else seemed to care. I finally turned to my father and threatened him to stop. Then he felt threatened and told me in that Fatherly tone that I was to calm down because he was just joking. I got up and left and everyone was asking me why I was getting so upset.
It was the same as all the frustration of my saying something over and over and getting more and more upset about not being heard and then everyone reacting as if I just now snapped.
I think my family represent my close bonds with anyone that does this to me.
I think my Father represent both the annoyance I have always really felt with him, and also the well meaning people that end up annoying me anyway's.

But waking up with that kind of annoyance isn't cool.

Two revelations when I couldn't sleep last night. I'm getting ready for work so I don't have the time to go into them right now, but I can make some notes to remind myself.

Scenario with the little girl. I was thinking about the differences between what we know and what we feel.
I said, "Be careful."
She replied, "Being careful doesn't mean being afraid."

In the same vein of what you know and what you feel - what you feel can lead you astray if you rely on it and don't go back to what you know.
It is a perfect progression to note what you know, then rely on what you feel - and end up treating someone like a memory instead of an experience.

===== 19:00

Okay - I've been paying and juggling money all day. I'm no where near out of the hole, but it's a start.
I will probably have to borrow money from Mom again - because the insurance is high, and over due and has to be paid ASAP.
*sigh*

So, there was my sleepless night and tons of thinking and day dreaming that brought me two revelations.

The Little girl.
I dreamed I was baby sitting for a friend. It was just a brief kind of thing - I have to run an errand, can you stay with her for a little bit until I get back, kind of thing.
Honestly, I love kids. I love they way they still see the world.
Same kind of stigma story that has been badly done on every TV show or movie in the history of AIDS. She was going to help me with some dishes in the sink, and I end up cutting my finger.
THE most OVERUSED innocent SCARE tactic EVER.
I remember an old episode of ?90120? (it was a show I don't usually watch, but there was talk about the new and exciting HIV plot line they were developing). One of the blonde female leads was working in a Hospice house with HIV/AIDS patience. Same situation - he cut his finger chopping vegetables for dinner. She helped him bandage it - then ended up staring at her hands and he said something along the lines of 'Kind of sobering isn't it? That something so innocent, natural and instinctive as helping someone is now dangerous.' She went for a test - blah, blah, blah.
This was another instance in my head where another character I am dreaming of says something to me that shocks me - surprises me - helps to reinvent me in some way.
I was running my finger under the water. She hand me a towel and said she would get a band-aid. She wanted to help me put the band-aid on and I told her no - and said "Be careful."
She looked at me like I was stupid and said,
"Being careful doesn't mean being afraid." As she continued to speak, she grew older and older. "I know what you are afraid of, but I am being careful. I can help you without being at risk. I make the choice how I want to help."

This goes back to many of the times I am teaching HIV education. I always point out to people;
"There is a difference between what you KNOW and what you FEEL. Just Acknowledge both."
You KNOW blood can transmit HIV. You know if you have other cuts or wounds that might let blood in and infect you - you know that HIV or blood is NOT absorbed through the skin.
You KNOW HIV is possible, and you FEEL afraid. Acknowledge the fear but REMEMBER what you KNOW.
Being careful DOESN'T mean being afraid - it means you acknowledge the risk and take precautions.

So, a little girl in my head understands this, and took a situation of Stigma and erased the fear and made the 'victim' feel human again. If only I could get the rest of the world to do the same.

Along the same line - I worked out how logical it seems to follow this path of what you KNOW and what you FEEL and still end up on the wrong side of what you should do.
You KNOW the facts of HIV and AIDS.
You find out a close friend has HIV. You FEEL sad. You KNOW that friend is not dead, or dyeing; but you want to cherish every moment you have left with that person. You FEEL you are helping by spending more time with them, trying to do things they enjoy, making them forget about the HIV or the side effects or their problems.
Seems logical - but you have changed the way you are dealing with this person now. You are not experiencing them, or their life. You are holding on to the memory of what they meant to you - you are trying to create more memories to remember them by once they have died. You are subliminally making the problem worse, because you ARE treating them as if they are dead and a MEMORY instead of a LIFE to share and experience.

Maybe once again it is the sensitivity of the situation - Zen mirror kinds of things - or just plain over reaction over noticing something that people have always done: But lately I have been hearing more and more,
"You have been a good friend to me."
BEEN a good friend? When did I STOP being a good friend? Am I not still here? Doing all the same things I have always done?

enough.

It was also bad enough last night that I gave the car keys to the teenager and had to let go.
Spence has every night since I have gotten him, been shut in my room with me at night. Because he was young, because I wanted to keep him out of trouble, because I didn't want him to be in the way of My Room Mate or any other guest in my home. Because I wanted him to be with me when I slept ... like Doctor used to do.
Spence is not one to sleep on or in the bed with me much. He isn't really a lap cat either.
Last night, he stood at my door after lights out, and meowed. He isn't a vocal cat either. I thought something had to be wrong. I turned the lights back on and looked around for him. He was just sitting at the door. He looked up at me and meowed again.
I had no reason to keep him locked in with me any more.
There was no room mate, no guest. I didn't need the door closed for privacy or quite so I could sleep.
I remembered a time when my door was always open. I hated having it shut.
I picked Spence up and pet him and kissed him and then open the door and set him down. I propped the door open like it used to be over a year or so ago. Spence went down the hall half way and looked at me and seemed to smile.
I went back to bed.
There were no messes in the morning. He didn't destroy anything, tip anything over, drag out any trash ... he just slept out there.
Kids .... what are you going to do - they grow up.

*fucking Sigh*

Damn automatic withdrawl. You just forget about it most of the time. I didn't have enough in the account to cover my Car Payment. So for all the Juggleing I did yesterday ...

List of Money Orders

$15.00 Parking Meter
$120.00 Credit card
$34.94 SCA collections inc.
$15.02 Dr. ** DPM (podiatrist)
$35.38 **** Dr.'s Group (my HIV and Diabetes specialists)
$152.48 Dr. ** MD (from my nipple surgery)
===============
Total $372.82 + .29 x6 = $2.41

Grand Total $375.23

62.68 x2 Cable = 125.36

$313.79 + $48.16 = $361.95 Insurance

Total pay out is = $862.54
==============
Paycheck remaining is $329.00 … $300

Priorities

125.36 cable Paid
15.0 parking Paid
120.0 Providian Paid
34.94 SCA collections Paid
= 295.30

Borrow $400 for insurance from Mom.

I guess I just need to add another $150 for the late car payment.

It's never enough ... never.

9:00 Dizzy Nauseous Headache
I figure I'm at about 90ish - low activity because I'm training
-89- 130/65 bp 79pulse at 7:45
Eating the snickers
10:30 Dizziness and Nausea better, almost gone
Headache little better still bad
12:30 Sweating and Shakes I figure I'm below 70 if not at 60
-62-
Eat whatchamacallit candy bar even though Lunch is soon (by 1 or 1:30)
12:45 127/73 bp 78 pulse

=== 17:30

179 ... I ate at 1:30 and watched TV - I've been asleep. I don't know if that is the reason it's so high, or if I'm actually on the verge of being sick and I just let my sugar fall while I'm at work.
And right now I'm just not in the mood to try and figure it out.

Scott just called also. He sounded terrible, really needed to talk .... even if he kept saying he wanted to go so he wouldn't run up my phone bill (I called him because he left a message while I was taking out the trash in the rain to help wake up).

I'm going to put off eating until about 7pm when Sci-Fi night starts. Keep it light, a sandwich maybe.
I'll do a reading before bed at 10 - and another first thing in the morning.

Hehehehe - Scott and I are talking online.

Scott : i think i spent the entire week wishing i was back in ks
Scott : with my life halfway normal again
BJ: wish in one hand - shit in the other ... no wait ... Half full instead of half ... no wait ...
BJ: never mind the cliche's
Scott : lol... they are said for a reason though
BJ: never seem to mean shit until after though
Scott : haha, you know there has to be a religion for that
BJ: never know which one really applies until about a week after the event
Scott : post-obvious-remark-ianity
BJ: *L*
Scott : and we are the biggest suckers of it
BJ: the God has 20/20 eyesight out the back of his head
Scott : lol
Scott : and $*@# he likes to hit me with it too
BJ: I should draw this Guy/God ... blind fold, eyes in the back of his head, a huge candy flavored mallet
Scott : do it.
Scott : i'd so make that my webpage theme
BJ: *L*
Scott : lol

I'm going to finish this really cheezy movie. Black Mask II.

===== 22:00

-145-
Just a little more of the sacrificial blood.
I'm at a lack of understanding again. I feel lost.
Actually, I still feel like crap. Dizzy and a little nauseous. Heart pounding in my chest. Some pain in my chest, but it's on the right side so it shouldn't be any kind of heart attack.
Not that I would really know ... the only heart attacks I know about are the ones where a man reaches into my life and tries to tear it out of me.
I'm not sad, but I feel like crying ... can't bring myself to it.

It's just time to go to bed - try to dream ... maybe figure something else out before dawn.
Like how to swallow even more pride and beg for money again.

Reading is okay for this morning -137- but I do have a sore throat.
I'm tired and I don't want to do anything - including live.

Had a dream last night that isn't helping. I had a dream about that Vendor I apologized to ... I just watched his hands touch me (not even in a sexual way - shake my hand, hold my hand, hand on shoulder, moving down my arm - etc.).

It's raining hard outside, I have over slept - I need to get my med's ready and go.

==== 14:30

Just before I left for work, I checked my e-mail. I had a little surprize.

Hi Bret,

Just wanted to mention that I was sort of ego-booing. surfing the web for my
name and ran into that ancient Rolling Stone article on your journal.   I
was one of the people quoted in it, from Gay & Lesbian Service of Kansas at
KU.  Wow.  What a memory trip.  And that decade got much worse.

There's kind of an interesting story behind the article, though, in that the
reporter who came to KU (Pam) and her life partner and co-reporter (Lindsey)
had not done the interviewing with the AIDs slant uppermost in their minds -
it was the editors who gave their story that direction.  The reporters were
trying to write about what it was like in general to be gay on college
campuses, and came to KU because we had had some very publicized struggles
involving getting and retaining funding as a student organization.  I still
have a postcard from Pam somewhere where she apologizes for the emphasis on
AIDS that the story was given by the editors.

I read bits of your journal after that, and just want to give you
encouragement.  Most of the people I knew and loved in the 1980s didn't make
it much past that decade; of those that did, many are going through the same
issues of daily living as you.  But you obviously have a will to live, and
people who care about you, and you're making a difference in your survival -
and that helps a lot in the struggle against the virus.

Best,
Ruth

It still amazes me at times what brings people to my site - but love the fact that they find something of value and are willing to let me know about it. The entry the article was mentioned in was 8609.06.
I can't even remember who I was having the discussion with, about how far we've come and how little things have changed in 25 years. Change some of that langage (change HTLV-III/LAV virus to HIV and that about does it -) and the article is current again. The attitudes and the stigmas are the same now as they where 20 years ago.
LET IT GO PEOPLE -- I would ask just how long it has to take to change an attitude, but then I look around and still see minorities descriminated against. Less maybe, but it still happens. The ones that hold on to the idea are the more dangerous ones - ones willing to stand up and do more damage in the name of what is 'right' and shouldn't have changed.

And GOD BLESS Ruth, for standing up and saying something 25 years ago, and for her kind words of encouragement today.
But I do want to point out ... I have never struggled against the Virus - always against the treatment of those with the virus, the stigma of the virus, the treatment of the virus, that attitudes about the virus.
Never the Virus itself. People, Society's attitudes and perceptions of some brainless chain of molecules and protiens.

*L* My media player is shuffle. I'm listening to a song from the musical 'Rent'. I also just remembered that someone finally decided that it is relevant and popular enough to make a movie of.

HA! Take that you phone harrasment dog.
"I'm calling because your account is past due -"
"I have a money order for $120 in the mail to you right now. I'm looking for the reciept so I can give you the number -"
"Sir, you are past due a total of $60. Do you have a checking account?" He said reading right from his book I'm sure.
"Not one you can get to. Here we are - The money order was mailed on 8-10 and probably post marked -"
"You have sent a payment?"
"Have you not been listening? Yes. A money order is already in the mail and should be to you in a day or less."
"For the full amount of $60?"
"No. Not for $60 - it's for -"
"Sir you will have to pay the full past amount due of $60 or we will -" He said cutting me off again.
"Okay - one more time. The money order is for $120." I said cutting him off this time.
"I will update your records. Have a nice day."
"You don't want the number of the money order?" I mean I did dig it out for him, I have it in my hand.
"No sir." He replied. I may as well have a little fun now right?
"You have the amount in there correctly?" silence "For $120 dollars?"
"Yes sir, Thank you."
"Are you sure that will cover the past due amount of $60?"
"Thank you, sir." and he hung up on me. Little bastard had better start listening to his calls. I wonder if he was about to threaten me with canceling my card and destroying my credit rating. Exactly what I would have wanted him to do, and something he can't hurt any more then it already is.

Speaking of which - Mom gave me the money. Hated asking her, told her I was sorry for becoming so irresponsible with my money. She just laughed at me, told me to shut up - take the money and fix the problems like she knows I would.

Well, mom even dropped some more money in my lap when she brought down my laundry.
I had French Toast for Breakfast - because I felt like it. I've done nothing but sleep all day - but I just took my glucose level -82- so I guess I should eat.
I had a spam text on my phone and no messages on my machine - so I'm guessing that MFIJ is still in KC with his family (he IM me last night and said he would be here like he promised ...)

MFIJ (12:25:00 PM): what you doing
MFIJ (12:26:50 PM): im in kc ks tell sun day then i'll get back to you. sorry but i will be back
misfitlife (2:39:55 PM): Kewl Have fun in KC. I'll see you when you give me a call and tell me what you want to do. Lots of new movies have opened so you will have a few decisions to make. C U Sunday.
misfitlife (2:40:28 PM): hey - did you just log in?

Looks like maybe I missunderstood the message. He is still logged on and idle (probably at his Grandparents). He didn't respond to the last message, so it could have been anyone else that used the computer - and probably didn't tell him about the message.

Anyway ... I'm not going to wait around for him. I'm going to take myself to a movie and lunch.

===== 20:05

Scott (2:32:48 PM): oook, i think things are okay... for now
Scott (2:32:48 PM):
Scott (2:32:59 PM): thank you sooo much for all the mental/emo support
misfitlife (7:34:09 PM): Glad to hear ... got more mail for you today
Scott (7:34:18 PM): more mail? dang!
Scott (7:34:25 PM): guess i should put in my change of address from your house! lol
misfitlife (7:34:36 PM): LOL
misfitlife (7:35:26 PM): Shawnee Country Appraiser and Kansas Department of Revenue
Scott (7:35:36 PM): ut oh
misfitlife (7:35:51 PM): I was thinking your DL should have been here by now - but not yet
Scott (7:35:59 PM): up to 2 weeks =/
misfitlife (7:36:08 PM): kewl
Scott (7:36:21 PM): what you up too?
misfitlife (7:37:04 PM): Just got back from a movie ... with MFIJ ... He has no concept
Scott (7:37:14 PM): what movie?
misfitlife (7:37:26 PM): Four Brothers - really good film.
Scott (7:37:44 PM): did he loose concept on that movie? or about other things?
misfitlife (7:38:05 PM): other things. ... okay give me a minute to type this little rant
Scott (7:38:26 PM): okie
misfitlife (7:43:02 PM): He promised to have the money he owes me (actually I don't care, but he said) and promised to take me to dinner and to a movie because I have done it so often for him. Then he IM's me from KC to say he might not make it (kewl - at least he told me) so I went out for lunch by 1:30. He calls me at 2 and asks if I want to get together He has money - he wants to take me to lunch and a movie. Well, I'm already eating - and he's dissapointed, but realized I couldn't wait. But still wanted to do a movie. I said I would pick him up. After I get there, he asks if he can stop at his freinds and invite him also - kewl. He invites him along - but he can't go. Then Mike asks if I can stop at McD's so he can get some food - I said yes and actually dropped him off so I could get gas - he offered to pay
Scott (7:46:46 PM): ?
Scott (7:46:51 PM): lol
misfitlife (7:47:08 PM): for my gas - I turned that down. We go to the movie and he buys the tickets - and announces that he now broke. WTF? He left the house with $25 thinking that would be enough to buy dinner and a movie for Two Friends. It's a good thing I didn't let him pay for $30 in gas. He bought Cigs - his food and our tickets ... I bought the popcorn and drinks from money I have set aside for past due car insurance and car payment. After the movie he asks if we can stop at Walmart to check on something - I do ... he's checking on ammo for a gun he built ... all against his probation ...
Scott (7:47:14 PM): ah there it is
Scott (7:47:15 PM): lol
misfitlife (7:47:20 PM): I'm just really dissappointed in the whole evening.
Scott (7:47:32 PM): ya... i would be too
Scott (7:47:53 PM): woah
Scott (7:47:54 PM): wait
Scott (7:47:56 PM): he built a gun?
misfitlife (7:47:57 PM): He didn't have the money he owed me - which is $30
misfitlife (7:48:27 PM): bought a broken gun at a swap meet - then found the pieces he needed at another gun dealer.
Scott (7:48:40 PM): ...
Scott (7:49:06 PM): seriously, i don't think i've ever been that stupid even.
misfitlife (7:49:06 PM): Luckily - it's an 'antique' that isn't made any more - illegal with really rare bullets that he will never be able to find or afford
Scott (7:49:16 PM): lol
Scott (7:49:17 PM): good
Scott (7:49:31 PM): but still, posession of this object, means prison
misfitlife (7:49:37 PM): He likes to work with his hands - he likes to build things - been working on remote control cars lately
misfitlife (7:49:42 PM): I know
Scott (7:49:45 PM): damn
Scott (7:49:55 PM): can't he just masterbate 24/7? least he wouldn't be hurting anyone
Scott (7:49:56 PM): lol
misfitlife (7:50:01 PM): actually has a meeting with his PO about another claim against him tomorrow
misfitlife (7:50:09 PM): he could be going away any how
Scott (7:50:18 PM): damn
Scott (7:50:19 PM): another claim?
misfitlife (7:50:33 PM): He's done that - wore a hole in it that took weeks to heal (and I'm serious)
Scott (7:50:49 PM): jesus
misfitlife (7:50:55 PM): And I couldn't watch that - so he wouldn't be able to spend time with me ... so no
Scott (7:50:57 PM): he really doesn't have any concept of life does he
misfitlife (7:51:03 PM): he does
misfitlife (7:51:06 PM): really he does
misfitlife (7:51:26 PM): He just loses his way - and has never really had anyone to show him anything different
Scott (7:51:51 PM): i can see how that would make the path hard to find, if you never knew the path was there
misfitlife (7:51:59 PM): He has made incredible changes in the last year and a half he's been out - but he keeps going back to what he knows - it's hard
misfitlife (7:52:56 PM): GOD! WTF? now I'm like Mr. Popular ... I've just had three phone calls. I have some people to call back
misfitlife (7:53:05 PM): one of which is MFIJ's freind.
Scott (7:53:11 PM): lol
Scott (7:53:13 PM): okie
Scott (7:53:23 PM): stay strong, eventually the boulder will move
misfitlife (7:53:42 PM): *L* I will. Hopefully I won't break first
misfitlife (7:53:49 PM): btw - back to you
Scott (7:53:53 PM):
Scott (7:53:55 PM): ty
misfitlife (7:53:55 PM): things are okay for now
Scott (7:54:02 PM): for now
Scott (7:54:04 PM):
Scott (7:54:14 PM): which is more then i could have asked for yesterday
Scott (7:54:17 PM): so it's a good day
misfitlife (7:54:20 PM): Good. I'm happy for you both.
Scott (7:54:25 PM): ty
misfitlife (7:54:47 PM): Just keep me posted - I'm here to talk any time, and if you need to come back - the place is here.
Scott (7:55:02 PM): ty... i truly do appricate everything you do for me
Scott (7:55:05 PM): you are a saint
misfitlife (7:55:26 PM): yeah ... right
Scott (7:55:29 PM): you are a saint (to me ha! argue that!)
Scott (7:55:36 PM): lol
misfitlife (7:55:54 PM): it's all perception. I'm just blind now
misfitlife (7:56:08 PM): Love you Bro' Talk to you soon
Scott (7:56:14 PM): Love you too, ttyl
Scott (7:56:21 PM): Love you too, ttys*

I stopped at Greg's on the way home to see how he was doing. He's fine. Asked if he got my reply and liked the short movie I sent him. He did. He hasn't had a chance for the book yet. He asked me what was wrong. I told him about my night with MFIJ.
"What? Does he want to go back to jail?" He asked me.
"No. I really doubt it." I answered.
"Maybe subconsciously?" He asked.
"Maybe, I don't know. I just worry about him." I replied.
"I think I'll just stick by my first impression that he's dumber then he looks." Greg said.
"He's not dumb at all." At this point, I have about 2 seconds before deciding to walk out this conversation.
"Oh come on - " Greg started.
"I have to go. You need to get going to your BBQ" I said. He gave me a hug, and I left.
I am still not in the mood to waste energy defending one of my friends to another friend. Scott walked up to the line, but never crossed it. Scott didn't give any opinions one way or the other of MFIJ - he dealt with my feelings and concerns.

And btw - MFIJ has no concept of money. He just has no idea what he is trying to promise anyone. He doesn't think far enough a head to be able to hold up his promises.

I'm tired and confused. I'm going to bed now.

Well, what an interesting day.

Work was very fast paced. I was able to get everything done just about early - and left only a half hour late of my scheduled time which is about perfect.
I then went to the bank and paid my car loan. I then went to the insurance company and paid my insurance. I still have $60 (insurance was actually cheaper then I had figured by about $40).
So I decided to Celebrate! I rented two movies and picked up lunch at Wendy's. I keep telling everyone, I am truly easy to please - all my party cost was $10 so that means I still have $50 left over to eat with all week long.
I came home and called Griffin back. I had an idea what that call was about and I was pissed that they did that. Sure enough - I get a call Friday - collect the money Saturday and go to the bank on Monday as soon as I'm out of work. They send Griffin a letter last Friday (meaning they had to have mailed that about Wednesday or sooner). For those that don't remember, I have shitty credit, and the only way I could get a measly $5000 dollar loan (which didn't even help me cover tags and taxes) I had to have Griffin co-sign the loan for me. What miffed me off about it all is that basically - they contact him before me about a problem. I assured him that I had just taken care of it, and apologized for the inconvenience. We didn't get to talk long because he was at work.
I then set down and Watched the first of my two movies. "Birth".
God! ... okay - you can tell your friends the plot of this movie in 5 minutes. (and I know because half way through the movie 'C' called and asked if he could come by and say 'Hi' and catch up a little. I paused the film when he got there and caught him up on everything in that amount of time, hit play and the movie was over 15 minutes later.) Wonderful film, don't get me wrong - it just has this plodding Kubric like pace that just drags out the drama for no real reason, and yet you can't figure out what to cut to make it a more effective film. The ending isn't really satisfying - but is 'true'. It's really hard to explain all of this without trying to ruin the films plot and it's surprise twists. Disturbing for the pedophilic over tones and the religious implications of reincarnation - or self delusion.
'C' came over. We talked briefly, watched the movie briefly - then he had to go and rescue his younger brother. It was a nice visit.
I need to do a little shopping - then I still have another movie to watch.

Oh, and I had to laugh - I mean it was meant as a compliment ... I think -
"Oh hey, you're a pervert." And I'm laughing at the vendor that said it. "Did you watch the Pamala Anderson Roast on Comedy Central?" It was just that the jokes involved where terrible, vulgar and harsh. I didn't see the Roast, I explained that I don't get that channel. They ended up telling me everything. 'C' had watched it, and also laughed with me as I told him the story about it and he told me a few of the other jokes from that show.

===
I'm back from shopping. Some memory clips - just a string of thoughts amplified by the movie.

Feeding off the excitement of new born's Father. He has spoken maybe two words a day to me for weeks now. I asked him what was up and he said,
"I just had a baby girl!" and then I heard every detail of the birth, and how she felt in his hands, his wife's linage and his and how they came up with the name and how tiny she was and how much she has grown in just a couple of days.
How I put on that cologne my friend gave me just before 'C' came over. I even asked him if he liked it and he said he did, he noticed it earlier but couldn't figure out where it was coming from.
How I decided not to waste it, and picked the best looking checker I could as I checked out with my 4 items.
"But I mean well!" He said with utmost earnest - and I know he meant it ... but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
How I can now understand what my Brother meant when he said he felt karmicly responsible for my HIV diagnosis. How absolutely ridiculous it is, but it is a feeling you can't escape.
How I feel bad that it couldn't just manifest in MY life, but where it could do even more damage ... but that is what it was meant to do - and that gun had to manifest somewhere. How I have felt that some how he might be tied to the end - and I just keep having the image of blowing my brains out cycle through my head over and over ... some what less frequently now - but still.
"And you say it's going to happen now, well .... when exactly do you mean? Because I've already waited to long and all my hope is gone." What is the point now ... it's only another 10 months or less now.
And I still have this stronger feeling now that I might just last a little longer - because he wants me to be surprised, and to prove me wrong about knowing the plan - or having one - and my messing it up.

Breaking the cycle - stopping now before it gets any deeper here.

====== 20:15

as if the other minor annoyances aren't enough.
I'm sorry Spence ... and I will do everything I can to get rid of the fleas.

Shhh! !--I'll pit my Depression against his Freedom. I have the gun now. --! *this had been a 'comment' and not seen - thus the reason for the phrasing->To view the source of my madness is easy enough. Listen to every song on the radio.

When the truth is found to be lies
You know the joy within you dies
Don't you want somebody to love?
Don't you want somebody to love?
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?
You better find someone to love
Find somebody to love
Find somebody to love
Find somebody to love
When the dawn is rose they are dead,
Yes, and you're mine, you're so full of red
Your eyes, I say your eyes may look like his,
Yeah, but in your head, baby,
I'm afraid you don't know
Where it is.
Tears are running,
Running along down your breast
And your friends, baby,
They treat you like a guest.
Don't you want somebody to love?
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?
You better find someone to love
Find somebody to love

"Someone to Love" by Jefferson Airplane

I caught another vendor off guard today - it was really funny and some of the other vendors helped me give him shit about it.
He signed his invoices then stood up and said,
"Wow, you can really tell this is my wife's pen." I looked over at the pen in his hand. The pen was purple, but nothing particularly special. I looked at the signature, ink looked black from my angle.
"How so?" I inquired.
"I would never buy anything with glitter in it." He said. I look a closer look at the signature. Sure enough, it was purple ink with glitter in it. I just smiled. Then he said, "It would make you wonder about a guy with a pen like that." I just laughed.
"Well, since I am a guy like that and I wasn't wondering about you, I don't think you have to worry about it."
"What?"
"We don't all have wings and throw glitter." I said with a .
"God, I'm sorry." He said kind of stunned.
"Don't be, I think it's hysterical. I'm just joking around with you." I said.
"So, you aren't really ..." and he just kind of looks at me. I'm ready to laugh all over again.
"You mean ... Gay?" I said almost whispering comedicly.
"Yeah." He said kind of relieved that I said it for him.
"No, I'm gay. I'm just not offended. It's okay." He went and delivered his product to the department still kind of confused. On the invoices under his signature I wrote 'His wife's pen - he wanted to make sure you knew'. The Bread guy that I joke around with saw that and started laughing and asked me about it. When the guy came back, he was still in my office and jokingly he was talking to me and said,
"Because you know his wife is at home with some macho black marker saying 'Damn, my husband must have my pen.' and just all concerned what everyone else is thinking about him." By then the other guy saw what I wrote and just kind of rolled his eyes. I jumped up to the plate to defend him though.
"Hey, at least he's married. It's you I have to wonder about some times. I mean divorced and going back into the military so you can bunk with men and over compensate with fire arms." I said.
"Oh, you are just wrong!" Everyone is laughing now.

Moments like that make work worth it.

When I was out shopping a few minutes ago, I ran into a High School friend of mine that I didn't really know until we met up at the Gay bar. He was one of the guys that taught me how to play darts. God, I loved the way I learned how to play darts. ... maybe if someone asks me, I'll relate that story. Anyway, he gave me his e-mail and told me to write.

I bought a Wanka Bar this morning. Our checker just kind of looked at me.
"What? I think I need a little chocolate magic today."
I'm about to sit down with my movie and have that chocolate bar.

Soon after it will be off to bed.

I wasn't sure if it even worked. So out of curiosity, I tried it. This ended up being a very pathetic reminder of how big a loser I am.

HELLO lixcox 1   Eager Person wants to meet you All the members below have either winked at you or put you in their Hot List. You can flirt by winking back or putting them in your Hot List. Or take the more direct approach: start a conversation by sending an engaging email! UPGRADE your Membership! You have everything! Relax and enjoy. ·Gold Membership – Perform pinpoint searches and be seen first by other members UPGRADE ·Silver Membership – Enjoy unlimited photo views and email UPGRADE 1 PERSON IS INTERESTED IN YOU! lixcox a 39 year old man from Topeka, Kansas, United States. - "Ready to give up - Looking for a Top to take the chance" Winked at you on August 15, 2005 Meet this person Email to a friend Add to Hotlist

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Time for me to go to work. Especially since I am the only person interested in meeting me.

===== 15:30

I just finished watching (most) of "I Huckabees" (I was dozing off a little bit - seriously, I can't help it).
It was a very intriguing film about 'Life, the universe and everything' and it's major question was,
"How am I not myself?"
And somehow if you answer "Don't know", it all still comes down into some kind of ridiculous sense. In a bizarre way it even answers "Of course you are the only one interested in meeting you."

And yet, none of this makes me happier. Can't say that it makes me sadder either.
So, I'm still struggling with the reason(s) to keep going. What the point is.

Considering an analogy game of cards. Inviting my friends to play. Inviting my enemies to play.
Struggling with so many that would probably just be dealt the opening hand and fold.
Perceptions of Drama and sickness.
And yet, the Gambler sits across the table from me ... and I am looking for answers.
I mean really - what's the worst that could happen? I find out that the Friend card has been over played and trumped to many times or worse, that most of them have been bluffing.

Rebus should be here soon. I have some errands to run though. Might even have to pick up MFIJ's friend from his work (He was joking about it, but I really don't have a problem with it - have to be in that area. Might just stop and offer).