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Well, here it goes.
No med's (just the HIV stuff) and no food. No water after 8:30.
Going to work.

=== 21:45

Okay, first I hate Doctor's that Lie.
I was told, several times, that I would be able to go back to work tomorrow.

I can't drive, work, shower, or anything until Thursday when I see the Doctor - and then he has to okay if I can do any of the rest of this.

I was told that I would be mostly awake for this procedure and would feel very little in the way of side effects.
I don't have any recollection of the surgery - and I am still nauseous and indifferent to food.

The food issue could be working to my advantage - of course my blood sugar is all over the board.

I haven't seen them yet, but I now have 'smiley' nipples. He made a smiley incision under each nipple to remove the lumps.

The drainage tubes and stuff are kind of gross, but it's necessary. Oddly enough the left one is draining allot, the right one is not draining at all.

My only joy from this situation, the orderly that took me in and out of the Hospital - HOT

I think I'm going to lay down on the couch and pass out again.

Thinking about the Emporia talk. I still find this one bit of information from her e-mail to me disturbing.
" Lyon and Chase County youth are at the norms of sexually activity with about 40% of them sexually active and about 25% of them having had or have an STD."
NORM - to high.

Nauseous, going to pass out again now.
Daily Glucose Readings

Feeling much better today. Glucose is back where it should be. No fevers and I'm draining well.
Yesterday I was still quite loopy.

Today, I have already (finally) sold my old car and had it removed from the parking lot; and, shortly, maintenance should be over to change the locks.
Mom took me to return and get some more movies and I'm going to make Lunch soon. Actually I'm starting to sweat a little so I'm going to check my levels and go from there.
Daily Glucose Readings

== 22:35

Well, Greg came over and watched 'Smallville' and then helped Scott and I move the furniture out of Scott's old place (since I can't do any heavy lifting right now). The place now has a 'new' sofa and couch and Mom gave us a coffee table.
Scott has everything piled in his room right now - so he'll probably be sleeping on the couch tonight.

He and Greg went to get a desk. Scott didn't want it, and Greg has been saving up to go back to school and wants it. I'm going to sit back and watch one of these films. Then take my pain pill (just because I have been busy) and then sleep most of the morning until my Doctor's appointment at 11:55 ("Why not just say NOON!?! Idiots, that is ridiculous." My Mother has been saying since she heard that).

I just got back from the Doctor's.
I had the Right drain removed, the left is going to stay until Monday. I still can't shower until Monday but I can sponge off and get clean now. I don't the medical tape bra any more.
I have seen my smiling nipples now. Little giant one-eyed mutant looks friendly.
I had to beg a little, but I finally one the debate with the Doctor.
"Honestly, I don't think you can handle it." He said.
"You obviously don't know me, or what I have already been doing." I respond.
"Can't they do without you?" He asked.
"You want an honest answer to that?" I said, and my Mother began to laugh.
I can go back to work. I can't lift anything over 10lbs. - but I wouldn't ordinarily do that anyway. The more active I am, the better off I will be. The sooner I can get back and clean up after the mess of my 'Moron' the better.
In hand with this was that I will be able to drive now. I will now also begin to space out the pain killers. I'll see if I can skip the one tonight, but take the one before work tomorrow and see how I feel in the afternoon.

I also got a call from T.A.P. saying that a check was ready again. Also they gave me a form that I needed to get my Doctor to sign ... basically it was for Ryan White funds, and they needed a Doctor's signature to say that I really am HIV+ it never ends. They also asked if I would speak to there funding meeting - and I would have, but it is during work - and having missed two days here this week, and having asked for the 17th off for Emporia - I didn't think I could get the time off. I let them know that if the meeting moved later in the day I would be more then happy to do it.
I was telling Mom about this.
"Why isn't there anyone else that can do this?" She asked.
"It is still really hard to find people willing to talk about being HIV + Mom. I don't know way - but it is. I will keep talking about it until others feel confident enough to talk about it also."
"You've never had a problem with others. This stigma thing is ridiculous." She comment.
"Their fears are real, just keep reading the news. All it takes is for one person to have a problem and be plastered all over the headlines to negate all the times nothing happened and no one talked about it."

A lot of this conversation took place over lunch (from McDonald's and eaten in the park) after the Doctor's visit. Mother said it was the last chance she was going to get to baby me. I didn't see how that was the case. She pointed out I had been 'given my freedom' from her again (my ability to drive and go to work) and she just knew I was excited about it .
I am excited about being able to go back to work and drive and 'get on with my life' again - not because I was tired of having my Mother around and helping me.
"I'm just happy that you are okay, honey." She said. "Thank God for small miracles."
"Yes, Thank God for Small Miracles." I replied. "Like you and all the help you have given me." I add. "Mom, I love you and appreciate all that you have done for me in the last few days. This is in no way an attempt on my part to get away from you." I then gave her a kiss and a hug.
Honestly, I don't know what I would have done the last couple of days if she and Scott hadn't of been around. I am glad that they where there and able to help me and that they didn't even think anything about it - they just did it.
But - HELP is never supposed to be permanent. It is a hand up in a difficult situation, that you repay by getting up and moving on - hopefully with the ability and desire to help them (or someone else) soon.

Okay, I'm off. I still have a lot of movies to watch - and a sponge bath to take!

What a day.
I am not joking at all. I was at work until 3:45pm because my 'Moron' screwed things up that bad. I want to fix it then rather then wait for tomorrow and staying there forever.
I had to VOID 5 invoices that he had run in the wrong Vendor or duplicated. Despite my having gone in and specifically showing how the invoice process had changed and showing him, and showing him where the examples are; he still did half of them wrong and I had to redo them. Plus, I ran into a slew of invoices that had the wrong department, total or Invoice number on them.
It was a disaster.

I then came home, got a phone call from MFIJ - and picking him up. We then ran all my errands, picked up Barb and Dave and met up with Scott and watched Sci-Fi night.
I just took MFIJ home, and now I'm getting ready for bed.

Oh, pissed at the Doctor again. Finally got a look at that hole where the drain tube was. It's not where I thought it was - it will be a big scar. The one on the other side that isn't out yet - will be worse. *sigh*

Good Night.

Scott and I have been talking a lot. He even thanks me for it (which is weird to me - because, what else would I do? I really enjoy talking to him). I miss talking to him. What I love about talking to Scott, is that he is willing to display a problem or idea, and tear it apart trying to figure it out, and willing to admit that he hasn't figured it out yet. He is an intellectual explorer.
There are certain ideas and thoughts he isn't willing to go near ... they are his ground and stability - but he says he likes me because I shake the loose dirt off that ground every now and again.
One does what one can.
We also talked about how, and why we make such a 'good team' around people. It started with a conversation about MFIJ. I had mentioned that he is making steps ... small steps ... to straighten out his life. MFIJ is stubborn and bullheaded in many ways, so this will be along process - but I admire him for trying. He and I talk a lot also. I try to help present him with options, and different ways of looking at any problem.
"You accept him." Scott said, "And he needs that. But I don't, and I judge him and I am quite capable of telling him when he is doing something I think is wrong." He pointed out.
"And he needs that also." I respond.
It is in a lot of ways that Scott forces the change, and I support the effort to do so. Thus, we make a great team. And in the long run, the same is said for what we do for each other.

He and I went and saw "Meet the Fockers" tonight. He had 'date' plans after that, and I rent some more movies. I'm getting tired now though - and I'm getting ready for bed.
Seriously looking forward to Monday afternoon when I get this other drain removed and I can hopefully take a shower.
I am already skipping many of the doses of pain killers. The only thing I am worried about - is infections and that I am only on my regular 'prophylactic antibiotic' now. I have a lot of 'open wounds' and I think infection is something I will really have to watch closely with HIV and Diabetes. I may ask for more antibiotics until everything is healed up much better.

You start surfing porn and then accidentally stay up until 4:30, so you just keep at it until it's time to take med's and then go to bed at 6am. At least it kept me here ... or actually - my current medical condition kept me here.
I wanted to go to the arcades or something. But who in the world would want anything to do with a fat old man with stitches in his nipples and a tube filled with blood under his shirt?

As much fun as it was to be able to pull it out and tell one of my Vendors,
"Literally, my heart bleeds for you." I can't wait to get this thing out of me and get on with healing up into a 'normal' person again. To get back the feeling that I might actually be desired by someone and that maybe, just maybe, that heart shaped pillow on my bed that says 'Love' will ...

Who am I kidding.
No one.
I will never be physically, intimately loved again.
Daily Glucose Readings

Feeling kind of nauseous - can't tell if it's from coming off the pain killers, the other med's I'm on, or if I'm coming down with the cold everyone has at work ... or even if it's just from the surgery healing up or maybe being about an hour short of sleep.
Could be the Diabetes.
To many options for one feeling now a days.

Found an incredible site that I may borrow from. explodingdog.com

Greg came by kind of late. Scott, Greg, and I went and rent a movie and watched it and BS for some time.
Scott finally broke up with his girlfriend (it's a good thing, but he is still broken up about it).
Greg has rethought his relationship and decided to keep working at it (I think it's a good thing - but he doesn't talk about it much ... but that is just Greg).
I'm still alone - I don't know, you decide - Good or Bad?

Actually, I kind of Dared Greg to set me up with that friend of his. I know he won't. And even if he does, his friend won't go through with it. He's turned down my other advances.
The dare came about when Greg started calling Scott "Scottie (the Hottie)" and I then told Scott Greg's middle name to help him even the score. Greg then wanted to know Scott's middle name (and I know it). I told Greg I would give him the middle name if he successfully set me up on a date with his friend.
Then the bets on when Scott would have a new Girlfriend started. I didn't put days on it. I said he would have one before I even had a (serious) offer for a date or a boyfriend. They all thought that was an unfair bet (and yes, because they knew it would never happen - then I pointed out that Greg was supposed to set me up on a date).
It's a win win situation for me.
The worst that happens, Scott is happy enough to give up the knowledge of his middle name to get me a date. (Funny thing is, that later in the conversation - Scott told Greg his middle name twice, and Greg thought he was joking and didn't believe him).

==== 14:15

Best line I've heard today.
I received a phone call from my Doctor's Office. They wanted to let me know that I needed to come in a repeat my blood work, because the samples they took Wednesday, where destroyed in transit.
"It was our fault," she said, "so there won't be any charge to you this time." shouldn't that go with out saying?

I didn't get hungry or have a sugar crash today at work and I didn't have any snacks either. I was running all over the place ... I would think I should have. Things were 'normal' this morning.

I'm going to stop watching this strange movie, and pay more attention when I come back. I'm going to go and get my lab work repeated, then go to my appointment with the surgeon and get this tube removed and hopefully be told I can take a shower now.

===== 16:40

I am tubeless! No more drain apparatus.
I had to laugh at the story of the destroyed blood work. I wasn't alone on this one. The Air Line left the samples on the tarmac overnight and froze the blood samples (ruining them). Thus, they are paying for all the redone lab work (and I bet it won't happen again since they destroyed about 51 samples from the tri-state area).
I did get some of it back though. We only had to redraw 2 out of the 5 vials. Of course the only test that is of any interest to me was the platelet count (up to 76 - if I'm reading this right) which is really good for me, but to be expected with the platelet boost they gave me just before surgery. It will slowly drop back down into the 30's and 20's over the next month.

Next was the surgeons. The nurse removed the tube - and with her I didn't feel a thing! (Did I mention that when he removed the first one - all the ripping of tape and such didn't bother me at all, but he yanked that tube out and that was the only thing that really hurt. I didn't even realize what it was he had pulled until I heard the 'slurping' noise of the fluids going through the tube from the suction of the drain.) She had me brag about it to the Doctor for her.
He gave me the 'full' report on the lumps. Gynecomastia - The term comes from the Greek words gyne meaning "woman" and mastos meaning "breast." In practical terms, this means abnormally large breasts on men. (huh, I just did a web search for that definition - and come to a whole new 'what the?!?' moment).
A more direct definition what it actually is - The enlarged tissues can consist of fat, gland or a combination. The gland can be a solid button or small fingers spreading into the chest fat.

Okay then, on to what I actually thought was funny before I go into what I just found out.
There is actually a "GROSS DESCRIPTION:" which is what gets into what the 'lumps' actually where (which to our relief is NOT CANCER).
So, here is the news:
COMMENT: Breast lumps from right and left side show features of Gynecomastia. There is a predominance of fatty tissues overgrowth with scant fibrous strands of breast tissue showing features of gynecomastia. There is a predominance of benign fatty tissue in both specimens.
GROSS DESCRIPTION: The specimen is submitted in formalin in two patts. Specimen A is labeled as "right breast lump". The specimen consists of a rubbery tissue 5.0 x 3.5 x 2.0 cm. It has soft consistency and the cut section shows mostly adipose tissue with few strands of fibrous tissues. No discrete nodules are seen.
Specimen B is labeled as "left breast lump" and consists of a mass of fibrofatty tissue 6.0 x 5.0 x 2.0 cm. It is soft in consistency and cut section reveals mostly adipose tissue. No distinct firm nodules are felt.

Now for what I found on the Net. There are support groups and such for Gynecomastia ...
Because in men it can cause psychological scars about becoming a woman - or in more base terms - they don't think they have a perfect chest.
Oh for God's Sake - Grow up!
There are several potential causes:

• puberty
• steroid abuse (bitch tits)
• obesity
• marijuana use (this is in question) *makes me wonder if some of this may have been from my past room mates exposure*
• tumors
• genetic disorders
• chronic liver disease *maybe caused by Long Term HIV medications*
• side effects of many medications *Like HIV, Thrombocytopedia, and Diabetes med's*
• castration *just psychologically - no one will ever date me*
• Klinefelter Syndrome
• Gilbert's Syndrome
• aging *Damn those Birthdays anyway*

I don't know - I guess maybe I just don't feel Shame like most people. I refuse to let the Stigma of HIV be an issue except to help others overcome it.
Gynecomastia - Hell, I'm happy to have smiling nipples now.
Men - TALK ABOUT YOUR NIPPLES!! Just say the word a few times - It's funny!

Anyway, Scott is now home and in a bad mood. He needs to talk.

God that shower felt good.

====

I got a letter from my Sister-in-Law (which just sounds weird for me to say) which was so cool.
Okay, I was going to put some of it here, but Scott and I have rent some films and I need to eat - because my Blood Sugar has dropped.
I'm going to be staying up late - because I wasn't feeling good and slept all afternoon.
Scott doesn't have to work tomorrow because his bosses live in KC and they don't want to drive in through all the snow.

Also - working on another poem ... even though I said I wasn't going to do it. But I have been thinking about Snowmen and I have a good idea about it - I just have to mull over all the lines.

*L* I just made Scott stop doing computer work, drop everything and roll his eyes.
He's rebuilding his computer. Which is now down on the floor. It was just his way of acknowledging the awkward appearance as I was typing here and he was down on his knees next to his computer.
"Hi there." He said with a big grin . I countered with the infamous 'make it more heterosexual' response.
"Did you see that Bears Game?" in a hearty voice.
"Yes." He replied in an equally hearty voice. "That was a great catch in the last quarter." He add.
"Yeah," I said, "I just loved the way the tight end receives."
And Scott just went limp and dropped everything and .
Okay, I'm going to stop playing with all the emotes and get some food and get ready to watch 'House' and then one of the movies.
*L* Just got me back. He's installing some new hard drives.
"Isn't that just amazing?" He said, showing them to me.
"Yes." I replied.
"To me anyway." He replied (he knows I'm not a tech and I don't even really comprehend what he's doing).
"No, it's impressive." I replied knowing that it is - it's just a lot of computer space.
"I guess that much hard drive would impress any gay man."
And I am .

Okay - just notes again.
Watched "Solarius" - Liked it. I think the core of the movie lies in these two lines (maybe three).
"It created me and yet I can't communicate with it. But it must know what I am going through and what I am doing. But I can't ask it anything or get any answers."
"Why can't we just live in that feeling forever."
"We don't have to think like that any more. All is forgiven."

MFIJ came over last night and actually stayed here because of the snow storm. He slept on the couch and then hung out with Scott all day because his work was canceled.

Went to the Dentist. I can finally feel my face again.

I cooked. I had a great time in the kitchen.

Greg came over - late (but he did call to tell me he was stuck at work).

We went by his place to get some stuff. I saw his friend that he said he was going to set me up on a date with to discover Scott's middle name. He and I where talking and Greg came up and mentioned (with us both there) that he was still working on getting that date set up. His friend was really against it. He said he might just so he could get Greg the middle name. I said thanks for making me feel so loved - but don't do anything you really don't want to do.
I even told Greg - he will never be able to convince anyone to hook up with me, until he can come to grips with it himself (meaning that even if a girl he liked said she was HIV+, he would have to come up with the reasons not to run away - and Greg even admit that he would ... he is afraid of getting it. His disposition isn't 'sunny' enough to handel it).

I was talking to MFIJ about maybe weaning myself off the anti-depressant.
Maybe I am sunny enough to handle it all now. Being alone was my biggest 'down' - I think I have come to grips with it being a fact and just trying to enjoy the company and love of my friends now.
Oddly enough, MFIJ was against it, but support my decision to try it and said he would watch me for mood swings.
I haven't made up my mind on all of that yet.

Honestly - I have a ton of things to do and no time because people have been around all the time.
Scott has undertaken the task of trying to organize my bills. Maybe I will now be able to lock myself in my room and get some of these things done.

I need to sleep.

Oh, think I have heard the last of my old Room Mate. He called the other day.
"Any Mail show up there for me?"
"The only thing that has shown up here with your name was the confirmation of your mail re-direct."
"I guess nothing will show up. Cool. Thanks." -Click-
Oddly enough, he was at the rental place as Greg and I returned movies tonight. He said hi and that was it. Didn't even slow down his walk.
I find it funny that he seems to hold so much animosity toward me, when I did nothing wrong and asked in the nicest possible way for him to move out.

The first day I have the place to myself ... and I am sick.
I would just give up, but I don't have the time.

99f temp - sore and achy all over.
Blood sugar is still at 84 and I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Congested and coughing things up.

I'm taking my med's, eating lunch and going to bed until my Dr.'s appointment at 3:50 then I'm coming back home to bed.

Temp of 102.2f - I'm staying home.
I'm going to get screwed at work - but there isn't anything I can do about it.
I'll have Mom take me to the Doctor later.

Not the way I wanted a day off.
====== 14:50

The Doctor gave me BIAXIN and told me not to go to work until Monday. I can barely move or stay awake - I'm inclined to follow the advice ... but my "Moron" is the one handling my job, and the last time I let him do my job for two days I was there for hours fixing all his mistakes.
It isn't fair that I should be punished by my job for being sick.
Daily Glucose Readings

Well, it's coming up - and I have been saying things about being pre-emptive.
Here is the first - an image of a love affair that I truly take some hope from. A picture that was sent out to friends and family with a message with so many levels.



Thank you Shawn and Gwen for showing the world that love can see past a virus.

That is actually part of a rant I began but couldn't verbalize with Greg. (here in 0502.09).
People need to get past a couple of ideas - it is what feeds the stigma of HIV.
1) That the virus is out to get them, and they can't protect themselves.
                    You can protect yourself, this web site has a ton of information on how to do it. All of it is real - All of it works.
2) That people with the virus WANT to give the virus to you.
                   For this I HATE the news media for reporting it like this and the few people that have been doing it.
                   More dangerous then these few - are the people that didn't protect themselves and LET IT HAPPEN - And the countless others that DON'T EVEN KNOW they are infected and spread it thinking that I couldn't be them.
>PROTECT YOURSELF - Treat everyone as if they are HIV positive and you CAN'T put yourself at risk.

Personally - I think that picture is thanking the world for letting them get together.

Then again - maybe that is my own bitterness showing through.
*Sigh*
By the way - It is 12:30 am and now that I have slept nearly 24 hours - and my sheets have been sweat through and trying to dry - I am up and trying to get a little work done.
*L* Scott is about the same way, and his computer desk is right next to me - so we talk back and forth between working on web sites and surfing.

NEXT -

My Brother and his wife. She sent me a letter recently (and a gift). Here is some of that letter.

Hello my wonderful brother-in-law,

... How are you feeling mister? I heard not too well. You are worrying your bother and I, and like all good sisters-in-law, it is my job to reach out and tell you so. I know you are an awesome awesome guy and have never done anything but inspire throughout this whole illness you've gone through. Sometimes, we even forget you have it - you are just Bret after all, doing all your funky crazy Bret "thangs". By which i mean, writing, drawing, working, playing, meeting up with the boys, etc. It was great to have the opportunity to hang out with you further when you visited L.A., and our occasional email correspondences have meant a lot to me too. It is my goal to get my ass to Kansas one of these days. Do you believe that I've never visited Topeka in the 17 years I've lived with Jason?!? Weird. Anyway, I more then intend to continue our relationship then.

You probably know we've been going through a lot ourselves with this whole baby thing. To tell you the truth, I'm really at an impasse with the struggle myself. I'm not sure what to do, though I've been reflecting a lot. I definitely do not have all the answers. This has pushed me to a whole other level of knowing -- perhaps you understand that too, based on what you have experienced in the 10(?) years with HIV. Actually, I think it is more, right? Through it all though, I've been able to chant and that has left me moving in the right direction. In the end, I know whatever happens, we will be the happiest people we can be. I directly attribute that to my Buddhist practice, having not been much of a happy person before I started. In fact, Jason was just about the only good think in my whole life before I became a Buddhist.

<She talks about how much her Buddhist practice changed her life and all the benefits she has received in the past 10 years.> ... I ... have known many people with life altering illnesses, including HIV, who have practiced and totally changed the direction of their health. I'm wondering if you might be interested in chanting too?

OK reality check. I feel in this moment like my girlfriend's sister-in-law who constantly sends little "accept Jesus now" pamphlets to us. (Because we are heathen Buddhist homosexuals.) <...>

<She then talks about the book she sent me "Unlocking the Mysteries of Birth and Death." and seems sorry to be sending me a 'used' copy.>

We love you Bret and we want you to be as healthy and happy as you can be. If we ever do get one these kids, we need you to be the best uncle it could ever have. (I only have a sister after all - you are pretty much it!) We need your knees nice and strong to bounce babies on.

I loved this letter. She has been in my Brothers life a very long time, but always in a far away place that I have only visit. Here is the reply I'm sending her.

Hello my Dearest Sister-in-law,

It still sounds kind of strange saying that, but I still couldn't be happier about it.

I am doing quite well all things considered. When I got your letter a couple of days ago I could have told you I was in perfect health - today however, I have the flu. God grants us what we need though, and this now gives me the time to write you :)
As for my Brother worrying about me - Like my Mother, they worry to much and about the weirdest things. It shows they care, and I love them for it, but really - I am Okay.
You may have heard about my recent 'surgery'. I had some 'lumps' in my breasts, they weren't painful - but uncomfortable and I wanted to have them removed before they became a serious problem. They have now been removed and my recovery is going along well - this flu being my only set back (and it's to be expected with where I work - everyone comes in with the flu). The Lumps were benign and basically just fatty tissue. Happy for that. My friends and I have been joking about my 'Nipplectomy' or even more humorous my "Breast reduction". I can't wait for it all to heal up and see if the scars stay - because if they do - I'll have nipples that smile :D (The Doctor made half circle incisions under the nipple - looks like a one-eyed smiley face now). Since I don't meet many boys, I figure my pick up lines can't get any worse - why not lift my shirt and tell a guy that even my nipples like him because they are smiling.

I really wanted to thank you for the Book. And no, I don't mind that it isn't new. Actually, especially with Buddhist books, used is better. It kind of follows the notion that information and wisdom finds the people who need it the most. My new Room Mate (Scott) has also been glancing at it, though he is currently in a book called "Taming the Mind" by Thubten Chodron and another one about finding stability in Insecurity (which I have also been glancing through). Buddhism had been budding around me for quite some time, and I was just happy to finally put a name with the beliefs I've held for so long.
Did Jason ever tell you about the vacation Griffin took me on, where we went to the Shambla Retreat in Colorado mountains and learned meditation techniques from a Lama? One of the best weeks I think I ever had.
I am not a chanter though. It makes me feel silly. Meditating is almost more then I can do (I am very lax in it as a regiment) but I find myself doing it during my waking life - the times when I truly notice the beauty around me and I sense the hand of 'God' in my life.

I'm sorry this e-mail is going to be so short, but I do need to get back to bed. Doctor's orders (and I do follow them). I will do the best I can to be as healthy as possible to bounce a nephew on my knee, and see the world new through the eyes of a child.

By the way - as for the impasse ... we all need a little rest in our long journeys. You will take from all these experiences what you want, and it's all good.
I think there were probably good things in your life before Jason and Buddhism - otherwise you wouldn't have turned out to be the wonderful person you are today.

Much Love to you and everyone else,
Bret
MiSfI+

=== 13:55

Well, I will HAVE to go to work tomorrow - my 'Moron' called and basically told me that I owe him some beer for all of this and he didn't do any of the end of the week reports and he is sure that he made mistakes that I should catch.
I told him that if anyone owes him Beer, it's the manager for telling him to do his job.
I then committed myself to going in on Sunday - I'll get paid time and a half; there will be no vendors bothering me; I can finish all of the end of the week stuff so I won't have to mess with it on Monday. At least I will be able to get out of there on time for my Dr.'s appointment at 3:40.

I set down to write - and post.
I just watched a great movie - done by some Local talent (meaning he grew up in Kansas. He was my Dentists best friend in High School - my Dentist is also my Cousin). My Cousin told me about the film, and premiere of a new one he's doing soon. I found the one he was telling me about - Great film. Very different angle on things - Scott and I really liked it.
It's called "American Crime" written and produced by Jeff Ritchie.
Scott of course liked all the girls in the picture. I started to fall for the camera man. Kip Pardue. Never seen him in anything else, but I did a web search and found a lot of films he has been in - I guess I know what I will be trying to rent now (Many of them I have been wanting to see - but just not gotten around to; Like "Remember the Titans", and others I have discovered that I want to see like "Rules of Attraction").
During the search - I also found this:

This years love had better last 
Heaven knows it's high time 
And I've been waiting on my own too long 
But when you hold me like you do 
It feels so right 
I start to forget 
How my heart gets torn 
When that hurt gets thrown 
Feeling like you can't go on 

Turning circles when time again 
It cuts like a knife oh yeah 
If you love me got to know for sure 
Cos it takes something more this time 
Than sweet sweet lies 
Before I open up my arms and fall 
Losing all control 
Every dream inside my soul 
And when you kiss me 
On that midnight street 
Sweep me off my feet 
Singing ain't this life so sweet 

This years love had better last 
This years love had better last 

So who's to worry 
If our hearts get torn 
When that hurt gets thrown 
Don't you know this life goes on 
And won't you kiss me 
On that midnight street 
Sweep me off my feet 
Singing ain't this life so sweet 

This years love had better last 
This years love had better last 
This years love had better last 
This years love had better last

What a great thing to find before Valentines day. The web site I found it on doesn't tell me if they are lyrics, or just a poem - or who wrote it - if anyone knows please let me know.

Scott is talking to a "hopeless romantic" on line also. Scott's poetic sense has been coming out talking to her.

i tend to get taken advantage of, comes with being damned as a 'hopeless romantic' so they use me for their petty affections and spit me to the side when they feel better about themselves -- that's why i'm avoiding it [dating/romance], but that 'hopeless romantic' plight of mine keeps the fire going... not a trait i would have picked at design time, but a characteristic i get to deal with none the less

===== 22:30

I was getting ready for bed - putting an extra blanket down so I sweat through that instead of my sheets - when I got a call from MFIJ's (step)Dad ... the guy I work with.
It would appear that the rumor at work is that I am in the Hospital. I have to admit, it's kind of understandable - every other time I have taken 'un-planned' time off, it has been because I was in the hospital. I set him straight, and told him I would be tomorrow. Just after I hung up the phone with him, MFIJ called.
He was wondering if I could give a friend of his a ride and then let him stay here the night. I said no because I was ill and contagious (Scott is starting to feel the symptoms). He understood, said he was sorry for bothering me. I told him it was no bother - and we talked until call waiting let him know there was another call (on a borrowed phone).

Scott in a quandary about the things in his life asked me for some card readings. Powerful messages in the cards to him. Set him to thinking. The more I thought about it, the more I would like to post his Zen reading - because in a way ... both his question and his answer where universal. I'll ask him.

I've also been working on the Snowman poem. I'll probably post it with tomorrows stuff.

Getting ready to go to work. Thought I would sit here a minute and reflect. Finished my poem.

SNOWMAN

Unique individual beauty
Floating down from heaven

Diversity united and even
An indiscriminate blanket

No snowflake falls in an inappropriate place

An Idea of creativity and Joy
Perfection is then crushed
Individuality is then molded

No snowflake in its place

Fingers wet, cold and numb
Fumble, sculpt and add the foreign
An image not quite its own
Far from perfect or ideal

Snowflakes forced in place

Pride and toil forgotten
A snowman is abandon
To abuse, ridicule and death
Others watch and contemplate

Snowflakes by nature melt

Standing with Pride as he was made
Holding its image as long as it can
Until life begins to wear it down

Its fashioned face falls away
Arms of dead wood are lost
Clothing is shed or taken

Leaving Snowflakes in their place

Nothing of the sculptor remains
Nature reveals its true form

Its existence and example
Nourish the earth around it

No snowman is in an inappropriate place

By Bret Turner (DDK) MiSfI+

Time to take a shower and get this work thing over with. I'll ask Scott about the other when I get home and post about anything else interesting that I think happened.

Oh, I had such strange dreams last night. I was at a restaurant with many levels to it - some of them private clubs; because they all where gates to other levels or planes of existence. I could get into them all, and in fact was acting as a liaison for many of them - and still keep a public live going here. I found it odd that I was dressed in clothes that I would love to have - all 16th century Gothic and such; but the odd part was the cape, something I could only really describe as mystic, over the top for me to actually wear, laced in intricate gold patterns with black, white and red under fabric and an upright, short and folded down collar - connected with a gold rope.
Anyway, the point I was going to make about this dream - I inadvertently let someone pass with me from one plane to another, and they had the flu - which then began to infect that plane of existence like a plague. I figured out what had happened and began to bring in supplies and the cure (which was easy enough, eat more and rest - problem was - food was scarce in this plane, as was money - odd because that plane was a restaurant in the cross-roads). They where about to condemn someone else for the crime of the plague. He was an innocent man - they just meant to pin it on him. Nothing he said would change there minds - Kangaroo court time.
I remember someone that was trying to help me, and asked if he should find a different fall guy. I hesitate. I then said yes, but gave him these instructions;
"We use him as a back up, and he has to be a man with an evil past."
Reason; If he is to be condemned for a crime he didn't commit, he should at least be paying for the ones he hasn't been caught at. There was an interesting side philosophy to all of this also:
The only innocent man that goes down for a crime he didn't commit are
1) The truly innocent that don't even know how to defend themselves from the accusations. Sometimes telling the truth can be twisted by the accuser and used to condemn you anyway.
2) Someone with a Secret. If you are hiding anything - it will show, and used to condemn you. If you can't say what you are hiding, they will assume it is the crime they are accusing you of.
3) The Guilty of other crimes. Karma catches them and makes them pay for what they haven't been punished for yet.
The end plan was to get the innocent man off the stand - the guilty man on trial to stall for time as I solved the problem of the plague - If I couldn't solve it, I would vindicate the man on trial and turn myself in. If I could, I would vindicate the man on trial and admit my guilt, and my solution.

PS - I have made my Valentines - I'll finish them up tonight and deliver them tomorrow. I'll share them then.

=== 19:00

"Karma knows best." Scott said.
We began to watch "Hollow Man" on Sci-Fi. I was fed up with everything they were cutting out for TV. I just said I should buy the DVD.
"I'm up for an outing." Scott said. I shrugged with nothing better to do myself - and we went to Best Buy. I found "Hollow Man" and 5 other DVD's which all replace VHS (and several of them I never thought I would find on DVD).
Scott picked up 3 DVD's and a CD from a Band he really liked. We where both at about $50. At the cash stand, Scott realized he forgot his wallet and cash. I offered to buy them for him and he could pay me back later. He didn't listen to me, and put his back as I got rung up.
"That was Karma." Scott said. "Loud and clear." He wasn't meant to buy - and I was meant to find.
He also cleared me to share this.

(and here is a new trick I'm going to try - always thought these cards where beautiful - now you can see them - click on the image or titles to read the text)

THE KEY: can 'open a door' to insight regarding hidden, unconscious aspects of a particular issue. Also, it may be used as a general reading for a here / now insight into your interiority.			Question: Where will the pain lead me?
1) What is REPRESSED :                     BREAKTHOUGH		Breakthrough
2) The Yin card, female or Passive aspects :                     ABUNDANCE 3) The Yang card, male or Active aspects :                     SUCCESS		Abundance	Success
4) The Meditation :                     UNDERSTANDING		Understanding
5) Insight into the Body :                     POSSIBILITIES 6) Insight into the Heart :                     CREATIVITY 7) Insight into the Being :                     SHARING	Possibilities	Creativity	Sharing
8) Consciousness (or the Understanding) :                     EXISTENCE		Existence

0502.14

So, I finished making these cards last night. The fronts are all the same, except I hand wrote the name on top. The insides are what I made personal (made sense to me). [Cover to the Left large - the 3 entries on the Right]

	Scott - I just wanted to say Thanks For Being there through Think and Thin then Back Again You are the Best friend a man could have. Happy Day DDK Bret
	Greg - We've been through Hell together, but always seemed to work it out. It has been a wonder to watch you grow and to know - that you would always be there. Thanks for the years of friendship. Happy Day DDK Bret
	MFIJ - I don't know if I ever said Thank You For everything you've done for me. You have been what I needed, when I needed it most A Pen Pal - A friend A Hope - A reality check An inspiration and More. Thank you for the Honesty & care you have given me. DDK Bret

I got my Mother a Card. A beautiful set of hearts and flowers on the front which reads :
                    With Love, Mom, on Valentine's Day
Inside it reads :
                    ... because you're all the wonderful things a mother could ever be!
                    Happy Valentine's Day
And I wrote :
                    Thank You, and I love you!
                    (saying any more would belittle the rest.You are just the BEST)
                    DDK Bret

I set it in her chair with a beanie bear that holds a heart that says "I love Mom".
So far this has been a great day - best Valentines ever.
But the Doctor's is next.

==== 21:30

Interesting Night.
I spent some time with MFIJ since he was home when I delivered his letter. He thanked me. We started watching a movie and talking about a lot of things. I suddenly realized the time.
Barb was supposed to call me and come over since Dave was going to be in class.
I got home, she hadn't called yet, but Scott wasn't home. Message - his truck broke down.
(PS. Last night when he came home, he set up all my Breakfast things - and put a not on it to wake him when I read it.)
Went to rescue Scott with Barb.
I have still had a great day. I was even telling MFIJ - it isn't that something nice has happened - but nobody was trying to rip my heart out (not even me). The closest I got to that, was the Doctor who took 5ml of really dark and old blood out of my chest with a needle.
Scott on the other hand was having one of my Valentine's Day's.

The only thing I didn't get to do - and it was my own fault - is sent a few e-cards to my friends that are not here.
I had a list in mind:
Griffin, Ray, Jason, His Wife, Shawn M., Shawn and Gwen Decker, Mike, Chris and Melanie ...
And then I also began to realize; I have a lot of love out there to be thankful for.
It is Valentines Day and those e-servers where spotty, down, slow, and I couldn't even get one of them out in the hour and half I was home before going to the Doctor's.

Happy Valentines Day to ALL

Dentist again. Like a mini-stroke.
Rent movies.
MFIJ came over and watched with Scott and I.
Stayed up to late.
Going to bed now.
Finally caught up with everything at work - but tomorrow is Inventory, and I haven't been able to do Damaged.

That was way to late to stay up.

==== 20:15

And now Frank is on our couch.
He woke me from sleeping all afternoon.
After the noise complaints from the landlord - and my mother coming over to clean and having maintenance change the curtains in the apartment.

As I was leaving my work - I was telling my Boss about how I had everything tied up, and how I had given the keys to my 'Moron' and that I would see him on Friday.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"Emporia - I'm giving an HIV/AIDS lecture to the High School."
"This is the first I've heard of it. Who did you tell?!"
"The Assistant over a month ago, who has been working with <Moron> and I to get this to work."
"Okay then ... I guess have a good time."
Thanks.

*L*
The talk at Emporia High School went really well. Many of the teachers and coordinators where a little disappointed with the turn out (but it was a voluntary sign-up Assembly). There where supposed to be about 40 to 50 kids there (and evidently they where hoping some from the Vo-tech School could attend also), but only about 20 to 25 kids showed up.
I was actually pleased with the turn out - especially since it was Voluntary for the students. The ones that where there - wanted to be there. As I was telling many of the other coordinators - if I/we make an impact on even one student - it's worth it ... and these students will talk to other students.

The Laughter above comes from the fact that I had never been to Emporia before, so I left very early so I could have plenty of time to get lost. Found it with no problems. Sat in the office with another counselor for about an hour.
The talk went well (as I said) and I even saved one of the fliers they had made to advertise my appearance. It is kind of weird to see yourself on a flier or a poster.
Afterwards, three of the coordinators took me out to lunch at 'Bruffies' (a newly rebuilt Emporia tradition/landmark restaurant). After the lunch, I set out to go home.
NOW, I get lost. *L*

I didn't get back on the highway where I had gotten off. I just followed signs for Cities I knew (Mainly Kansas City).
Finally I pulled over at a rest stop and found a map. I was on the wrong road. I would have ended up in KC, and bypassed Topeka all together. I was on I-35, at about exit 176. So I turned around and went back to exit 155 and connect with Highway 75 which went directly into Topeka.
The check engine light came on. I stopped in Lyndon to check out the engine - but I know Nothing about cars. I checked the Oil (other then how to put gas in it, the only thing I do know how to do), and it wasn't that. So I just finished driving home.

Now, I'm about to take my Mother to work, then go to the Doctors (hopefully) for my last check up on the surgery.
Tomorrow is the last day of the Antibiotics, so hopefully this borderline diarrhea I have will stop - and I won't get sick again since I'm still coughing and blowing my nose all the time.
One day at a time. One thing at a time.

I ended my lecture with something a little different this time. I had been listening to CD's on the way down, and I ended up quoting a song (actually two songs; but it is the same band).

"Everything that I can say to you Won't help you - Everything you need is right in front of you - Just take it"
"These words they can't replace, the life you waste."
-Staind-

I have given them all the information they need. I have given them resources to contact if they forget or need other or additional information or help. It is now up to them to apply it.

Also, you always think of something else you should have said afterwards.
I did give them transmission information.
I did talk about how different it is for everyone that has it.
I did talk about medications.
I DIDN'T talk about Disclosure - Universal precautions ~ and the everyday application of that being to treat EVERYONE as if they have HIV so you don't make any mistake you aren't willing to live with; and the information will not shock you if you hear it because you thought it all along.

Hey, I start working for the State again on Monday.

So, I almost killed Frank last night.
Backing up just a little. He's on our couch - Because his girlfriend is 'freaking out' and has kicked him out of the house.
I have NEVER even met this woman, so I have no idea how much of what Frank says is true or not. From what he told me she is being completely unreasonable ... but that is taken with a grain of salt.
I had to consult with Scott before letting him stay.
Scott's previous room mate was friends with Frank, and thus Frank spent a lot of time at that apartment as well. Scott let me know about his 'uncomfortableness' and his doubts about Frank. We agreed to give him one night on the couch, two would be stretching it.
Frank said that should be plenty of time for his girlfriend to come around to her senses and let him back in the house and talk things out. Frank however, moved a lot of things into the apartment (mostly clothes - but it was a lot of clothes).
I should mention, I had been up late, I was sleeping when he woke me and asked all of this of me. I said he could stay until I had talked with Scott.

Last night - I had a big day driving back and forth from Emporia. I did a lot of running around that afternoon as well, and stayed up late in order to get my Mother from work (since Scott's truck is still not working and we have been juggling cars again), and try to watch movies before they become late (no luck there by the way - still not watched and still here, and now late).
I actually had trouble falling asleep, but finally did. Only to be woke up by Frank about an hour later.
He asked if I had a car. I asked if it was in the parking space. The answer was no. I said, NO - I don't have my Car or access to a car. But I had to because his girlfriend had finished throwing all of his stuff out into the yard and he had to go and get it.
"Frank, I'm asleep - and I don't have a car. You do, go and get the stuff and put it here for the night and start looking for where you will be able to store it later, since this is your last night here."
"I can't drive right now." He replied.
"Why? You drove here." I asked.
"I've had about 10 Long Island Ice Teas. I shouldn't be driving."
"No, you shouldn't. Go to bed and get the stuff in the morning." I replied, trying to roll over and go back to sleep.
Now began the pleading. I can't help him. I have no car and I have to be at work in the morning - I need my sleep. I told him to use the phone and call anyone he wants to try and help him. Well, in his anger, he broke his phone and he didn't have anyone else's phone number. I could drive him over to a friend of his, and then he could help.
"What part of I don't have a car, don't you understand?"
"Do you know <My ex-Room Mate>'s phone number? I know you don't like him much but -"
"Frank! I could give a shit who you call. I have nothing against <My ex-Room Mate>, but you know as well as I do that if you call him now you will be lucky to get past his voice mail and he will tell you to wait to tomorrow IF he decides to help you at all. And - I NEVER had his phone number. I'm sorry. He never wanted me to have it. That is how much he liked me."
Frank then went out and started making phone calls. He woke me again asking for phone numbers. I don't have them - I told him that a phone book and 411 have A LOT of phone numbers in them. He seemed upset that I wasn't trying to help him, and went back to making phone calls. Then he came in and woke me again. To let me know that his mother was going to come into town and help him, but that would be on Saturday or Sunday and could he store his stuff here and stay until then. Once again, I remind him that we gave him until Friday night - anything more I have to talk to Scott about. I would not let him store it in our front room since it was Friday, the night everyone comes over - and we would need the room. He went and made more phone calls - and think he must have left.
He woke me again. This time to tell me that he had run into Greg, and he was going to stay with him until he got everything straightened out. (This is why he must have left - and drove - because Greg still doesn't have a phone. He 'ran' into him? Not sure about that - they have both basically been avoiding each other over other family tensions <mostly from Frank's perspective, because after all, Greg helped him>.) I was pleased, but really felt I didn't need this constant updating. I told him to take the spare key so he could lock up and come back as often as he needed for his things.
There was a note on my computer keyboard this morning. It said,

Hi Bret
-- Greg 3:30am
             HE HE HE

At least Greg just left me a note and didn't wake me up.

This morning, All of Frank's things where gone.

Here is what pisses me off.
                  Frank only shows up here if he has a problem - and some how I am the one that has to fix it. In the past I have always been able to do it, but this time I was clear that I had limits - and could not help.
It is NOT my fault that he drank way to much and shouldn't be driving - let alone drove in the first place to get here. Why use it as a guilt factor now - because he wants me to get out of bed and help him. Yet, I still don't have a car (and by the way - Scott had it so he could take laundry over to his girlfriends and get laid - he was due back here by end of work today - I took my Mother's car to work.) and I don't have anyone that I can call to help him. There was nothing I could do - and even if I could, NONE of this was my problem.
Seriously, every time I have seen Frank in the past few months ... hell - since he moved out - is when he has broken up with (fill in the blank) and needs a place to sleep, or has shown up to hang out with <My ex-Room Mate> and he only gives me some 'courtesy conversation'. He hasn't once invited me over to hang out with him, or come by just to hang out with me, called to just talk ... nothing.

Somehow, I became the rescue man - not his friend. He and I are going to have a conversation about this. He hasn't been friend enough to make me jump at his every problem. He isn't cute enough, or even game enough to try and lure me with sex or love (and I'm sorry, but "Thanks, I really appreciate this" just isn't going to cut it any more). I've given him enough - and I haven't gotten enough back to warrant this kind of treatment. Somehow the title "Hard-core Bitch" is something I am going to have to wear for a while. Fortunately, I'll be working for the State again on Monday (getting paid extra because I'm one of the only ones returning this year so they are going to make me a 'lead-worker' that helps others and answers questions ). Right now ... I'm going to take a nap.

Expectations

=== 22:40

Tom and Danna are in town. Scott's ex-room mate is in town.
"Constantine" RULES!! - Great film and stayed very true to the original stories in the Comic Books.
Unfortunately - very late ... must sleep again.

... and Frank has yet to return with the spare keys.
Somehow I believe he knows I'm angry and will probably give the keys to Greg to bring by on Sunday.
If that is the case ... Greg will go home with a Letter for Frank.

When will I learn ... I can't stay up this late any more.
I'm really going to pay for this today ... it's okay though ~ My friends are worth it.

==== 24:44

They are still worth it.
And Frank finally came by with all the movies he had borrowed, my keys - and after we talked, an apology. Then he had some questions about an STD *sigh* (at least he asked and is going to look into it) and said his good-byes as he just now moved out of town with his mother.

Going to sleep now.

Let's see.
First, should explain - Frank's girlfriend was cheating on him while he was away working long days - and she may have caught something (that is evidently what pissed her off to start - and pissed her off more when he quit the job).
Second, Greg came by last night (kind of late) but we did hang out and I was talking to him about Frank. He evidently drove to IHOP to eat and sober up - and ran into Greg who was there for breakfast with a group of friends that had been up late.
Third, Scott is getting depressed that I am not going to be around as much since I start the State job today. I'm trying to tell him it won't be as bad as he thinks - especially since he will be picking me up from work until he can get his truck running again.
Fourth, Someone messaged me last night and played guessing games until I was able to figure out it was Griffin. We talked about a half hour before I 'kicked' Greg out and said good-night to Scott.
Fifth, had my car checked out. Looks like the engine light came on because the gas cap wasn't on tight enough. They told me if it hadn't reset in a couple of days, to have the dealership (or mechanic of my choice) check it out.

Time for Breakfast, med's and Job #1.

==== 20:10

That was a long day.
Nothing there has changed.
Only about three months to go.

Scott is starting to notice how zoned out I am getting.
I'll get used to it. The hardest part is the first week or two.
Actually - it's great for my blood sugar. I've been near a hundred almost all the time.

Actually, I had fun at work tonight.
Tomorrow, I should be able to get all caught up at Job #1.

I am going to bed now.

I was wearing my camouflage shirt last night (the one I wore last Halloween), and one of my supervisors came up and asked me where I had been (she just hadn't seen me in a while - now I'm back). I smiled really big and said I had been 'hiding'. She tugged on my shirt and said 'Ha ha'.
Broke my shoelace this morning.
I did get all caught up at work today.
I have a headache though - I think it might be sugar related. I'm about to check, then have lunch before going to work.

==== 21:00

Strangeness abounds.
KS just messaged me and we 'chat' about an hour.
Scott is also chatting - and had someone say something that makes so much sense I asked if I could quote it.

while I might not be proud of all my decisions....I don't have anything to hide.....am who I am....and that's what's important....no matter how I got here

Finally someone else that has realized that life isn't something to be ashamed of - that experience is to be treasured - that Truth and honesty lead to something better and an understanding of oneself.

Personally - I am DAMN PROUD of EVERY MISTAKE that I have LEARNED FROM.

I'm way to tired.

Well now - isn't this just a fucked up day?

Health Department Closed our store down last night. We were finally able to re-open today at 10am. I've listened to about a dozen accounts of what happened - and I'm sorry ... it really sounds to me as if someone with a grudge called in a favor with someone in the Health Department.

Also - my paycheck was screwed. I know I was gone a couple of days - but I am still short a LOT of hours (nearly 20 or more - and my Boss and I could only spot about 7 hours right off the bat).
Change of plans. I will make sure I have enough to cover the direct withdrawal for my Car Payment and see if I can get the rest in time to pay Rent. I'm still going to lunch today - even if KS has blown me off (as I expected him to do) - and to a movie this weekend with MFIJ (hopefully he won't blow me off).

I crashed hard today at work. I was kind of expecting it - and watching for the signs - but it happened really suddenly anyway.

Mom left her Fleetwood Mac CD in the car. I've been listening to 'Tusks' on Repeat and loud. Feels good.

Why don't you ask him if he's going to stay?
Why don't you ask him if he's going away?
Why don't you tell me what's going on?
Why don't you tell me who's on the phone?
Why don't you ask him what's going on?
Why don't you ask him who's the latest on his throne?

Don't say that you love me!
Just tell me that you want me!

Tusk! Tusk! Tusk! Tusk!

Daily Glucose Readings

Just so everyone knows - I had planned to buy some food at the store. A banana and maybe a donut to help get me past 9am - but since the store was closed - and even employees where not allowed to buy anything - I had to rely on the snack size candies in my office. They just weren't enough.
Lunch - I had Chinese.

You won't be bored for long! New
     adventures are on their way.

Didn't realize I was bored. I guess things are going to be getting exciting around the full moon.

I'll be damned ... those adventures are starting. *L*

Sci-Fi night isn't the same without Barb and Dave - but the shows are SO good.

At lunch I spent a lot of time on the phone with MFIJ. Step by step, he continues to impress me with what he realizes and what he tries to do. How he learns - his dreams, his goals ... his need or desire to impress me and others that he knows. Torn between wondering who to impress.
"He's a new soul." Scott said. Oddly enough - Scott said it as if he is so much older, and better. He actually told me yesterday that he feels so close to understanding it all - that he doesn't think he will come back again.
Aries arrogance. He is the student that feels he is to good for the class and doesn't belong there. Once he leaves, he will realize just how little he knows.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm there also ... only I'm the one that is afraid to pass the test. Dependant on the structure of the class. A permanent graduate student - afraid of the real world.

Oops. Wrong way.

I think I am perhaps also absorbing the energy of New Love.
Scott is head over ... for a girl that is about the same for him. All still new. All so adventurous and exploratory.

I'm wondering where it will lead me.
I'm wondering what I may be driven to do.
It isn't - won't - can't be - .... Love for me. But I do desire certain things. Need --

Wrong way.

Oddly enough - MFIJ said something today. It was wonderful and terrible all at the same time.
It was after talking about his Birthday plans, and how he wanted me there. What he said was strangely sympathetic to my own thoughts.
He thanked me for being his friend. Let me know how much I mean to him, just because I take the time to talk to him, listen to him, treat him as a friend.
I believe it was my Brother that said, "Why should you have to treasure or thank anyone for something that should be an absolute basic thing for anyone?"
But ... it isn't basic ... and if you are deprived of it, you treasure it when you find it again.
The exclamation point of his statement was - "If you ever die on me, I don't know what I will do."
I assured him, I had no plans on it - but I couldn't make any promises.

... way

You know, for my intention of sitting down and talking about a lot of good things ...
I am to tired.
I am looking forward to my weekend and the time I have set aside for MFIJ to watch movies.
I may end up seeing 2 to 4 movies this weekend.

My boss gave me the check for the missing hours today. That was quick.
Scott had a better day - my card reading is coming true for him. He was even able to give me his rent for next month now.
I think I can make rent happen now.

I believe I refereed to him as 'Drew' before. I was embarrassed beyond my limits last year because of my supervisor teasing me about how attractive I found him.
I found out tonight he will be starting on Monday with us again.
It will be nice to see him again.

Suddenly feeling strangely displaced.

I just had a great weekend.
It was so strange though.
Still so displaced - and yet, there.

I picked MFIJ up Saturday about 3pm. We saw 'Cursed' and then came back, picked up Scott and a visiting internet 'friend' (and I put that in quotes, because she turned out to be a real bitch that Scott will probably not talk to much again), and saw 'Cookers' (the movie that was done by 'local talent' Jeff Ritchie).
MFIJ and I had dinner (at a restaurant I wanted to try - ended up being much more expensive then I had anticipated, but was good) between the movies - and he had a couple of drinks with dinner. We talked then. Aired out a few things.
Our mutual respect for each other and the lines we have drawn with the Love we feel.
Then it turned a little more personal - as he told me that he thinks it's bad idea that I have 'given up hope' about love. I tried to explain it to him. Not really sure I got through to him ... and we were interrupted.

After the second movie it was really late, and He stayed here. I put my old mattress on the floor of my room for him. (We talked about him sleeping in my bed - and I told him it would only be sleep - which brought up the whole discussion of that mutual respect and that he knew I meant that, and also knew I wouldn't take advantage of the fact he had been drinking). The only reason he didn't use the couch out front - Scott's friend was supposed to be staying there, and ended up leaving when she realized that Scott really meant that she would be staying there (like I said, she kind of turned out to be a Bitch).
I woke him at 6am to take his med's - like I did. Then we slept till noon - took our med's again. I showered and got ready then took him home to do the same. He got a call from 'his only other friend' that needed an escape. So, I got to meet him - and took him along with us to see 'Boogeyman Man' and 'Constantine'. He's really cool. I told him he had an open invitation around here (and reiterate that to MFIJ later - so that he would know it was sincere).

After I dropped them off ... I was feeling ... I don't know ... displaced still ... wanting something more - that I knew I couldn't have ... needed a reminder I guess ...
I stopped at the Arcade.
No one there. I only had $4 left. I wasn't able to stay long ... I knew Scott was ordering some pizza for dinner.

I came home and Greg was here also.
He and I talked about a lot of stuff. Some of it being this weekend - and my discussion with MFIJ about giving up on hope. Greg thinks it's bad of me also.
Having a really hard time trying to get this idea across to anyone.
I'm tired of being beaten up by HOPE, feeling miserable because I have hope.
I am happy alone. I know I would be happier with someone - but that someone does not exist, I can't make them appear - and as much as everyone really seems to love me (and as educated as so many of them are) - There IS a DIFFERENCE in what you KNOW and what you FEEL. What you feel is not wrong, and it is REAL and can't be denied.
They all KNOW the facts of HIV and transmission.
They all still FEEL afraid of it - that the risk is to great to take - that it still means DEATH.
Until they can get past that - they can't even help me, or anyone else that would even consider being with me, because they would still FEEL as if they are dooming someone else they like or love to DEATH, by being with me.

Thus ... I will have to be happy alone.
That heart shaped pillow that says LOVE is going to be the only Love in my bed.
I am, and will always have to be content with the boundless LOVE my friends give me.

Maybe some day someone will finally decide that my Love will be enough - or worth the 'risk'. Maybe I will find someone that has truly integrated their knowledge with there practice and their life ... and it won't make a difference that I am positive (or that they are - and LIVE with it rather then planning out how or when they will DIE).
But, I can't HOPE for it any more. I can't expect it. I have to face the reality of MY life - that I will not be with someone.

Greg even bent to this logic (some) especially after he (Honestly) admit that if he found out someone he was with, or someone he loved was HIV positive - he would leave.

Hmm ... I was really glad that MFIJ was a sound sleeper ... but unless I want to worry about waking up crying again - maybe I should stop writing about this.
Just finish by saying ... I had a great weekend.
Time to drown myself in work again for a week.

It began before I went to sleep.
I'm just glad that Scott didn't hear me - I think he was actually out doing laundry.
I just kept crying, and couldn't bring myself to stop, until I got up and wrote down this;

I would much rather
Cry the tears of heart ache
for being alone
The Cry the tears of heart break
for having been loved and left.

Then I fell asleep ... until Scott woke my talking on the phone. I had to let him know he was to loud and then I didn't have a problem any more. Slept the rest of the night. He's going to be hurting though.
Time to wake everyone and go to work.

=== 21:00

had an interesting night at work.
All the new ones showed up.
There is a strange hopeful in the crowd.

And that alone hurts beyond what it should.

Nailed Greg with another of the facts of my life. I was mentioning that he would never be able to set up that date with his friend (to get Scott's middle name) as long as he thinks he would be sending a friend 'to his doom'. After the comment,
"I know all my soldiers are expendable." he backed up and just said,
"He just doesn't find you attractive."
"I know." I replied. "He and I have talked about that. But also, fact of my life - no one does."
Greg grimaced and looked at me, "Oh come on!"
"Name one." I shot back in an instant. He stood there ... thinking ... a long time. I stopped waiting and then left. I'm betting he's still thinking.

I will point out to everyone - I'm not ugly. I know this.
But for everyone around here (and that is a big part of it - here - but I can't go anywhere else) - I am not attractive enough to compete with the others. I am to fat ... I am WAY to old (seriously - most of the available men around here literally could be my son - age doesn't make a difference to me - but it does to a lot of others).
IF I were more important, rich, or 'famous' I might be able to attract a shallow attention hound - but that is not something that I am attracted to ... and even if I where ... I'm not important, rich or famous.

Right now - what bothers me the most about all of this ... is how others keep bringing it up to me and trying to make me change my mind about having hope about someone being out there for me.
I go back to my truthful 'joke'.
An Optimist believes the perfect someone is out there, they will met and be happy forever.
A Pessimist believes no one is perfect - he will never be happy - and when he settles for someone, it won't last forever.
A Realist knows the perfect someone is out there, that it is a big world - and they will never meet.

I'm a Realist.
More then that - I actually believe there are several perfect someone's out there. It isn't even a matter of 'settling' for someone less then perfect.
I also believe there are to many obstacles out there - and by human nature alone, most are to lazy to really work at a relationship or overcome the obstacles to be with any one of those perfect someone's.

I am just to tired of being the only one that tries.
I can't keep taking the pain of being shot down, denied, settled on and left for the next better thing ...
I'm tired of the pain ... and I'm going to make it stop.

It is now way to late and I'm having trouble typing. I have bigger, bill related problems to think about ...
and I have to pee.

G'nite.

Close your eyes and make 2 wishes - if one comes true, the other two are sure to follow.

It was such a strange day.
I actually Chat with someone during breakfast while I was on line.
When I opened the door to leave I was surprised to find Kade there. He said he had to talk to me. He was very insistent.
I actually called in to work, and they where okay with it - so Kade and I spent the morning together.
He really wants to try again - make it deeper, make it last more then just a vacation. I thought all of this was just because he's having problems with his wife, but the more I talked to him the more I realized the problems with his wife where coming from his feelings for me.

By 10 am it was warm and sunny out - and we decided to take long walk.
I swear it was one of the best days I have ever had.

I didn't think I could feel any better, until just a few minutes ago.
Did you see the news?
They thought he was a terrorist, but the gas bombs he set off in New York, L.A., Chicago, Dallas, Miami, Seattle, and Kansas City have the cure to HIV in it. Just inhale - and you can even spread the cure by sex now. He did it that way because the Drug companies wouldn't let him market the cure - and he didn't want to charge anyone for it.
He's been arrested, but I bet he will be Sainted by the end of the week.

Monthly table for Glucose readings