0412.01

Pen gave out. Maybe its a sign. Maybe now isn't the best time for me to write.

In fact I know it isn't. I think I'll follow the advice or philosophy of Scott's. I'll save all the whining, pissing and moaning and go to Sleep.

"Tomorrow is a new day ... and if you don't write it down, it never happened." LIKWID KAOS

0412.02

Btw - Hope you had an informative Worlds AIDS Day.

"The only good is knowledge and
        the only evil ignorance "

My second fortune cookie. Kind of cancels out yesterdays entry.
State of mind more then anything. Still not completely out of it all. Lets start with the facts which are neither happy or sad.

I went to see if Greg was coming by and when. Found out he had an accident earlier that morning. His tire blew and he hit the curb and bent his rim. Shook him up a bit. He had a friend helping him fix the tire. Greg was supposed to work, he called in with the truth (to shook up to work from car accident and had things to do in order to fix his car). Greg was literally shaking and feeling ill. Out of curiosity we tested his blood sugar. 72 He was in a Hypoglycemic drop. The three of us went to eat. Chinese. My fortune there was

"You will travel to interesting places."

Yet, I have no car (and the other insurance place called and said they determined I was at fault and would pay nothing). We ran into Greg's Ex at the restaurant We dropped his friend off for his date and Greg and I came back here to watch "Smallville", then he went home.
I'm almost out of paper - so the rest gets glazed. Greg's friend is the one Greg kind of 'teased' me with as far as setting us up. I still am attracted to him, he is friendly - obliviously and completely uninterested. He was looking forward to the date (his first sex in 2 months - oh ... whah). Greg's Ex ignored me Completely. I don't know if she didn't recognize me (and no one told her) or if I just wasn't worth pumping for info about Greg when he was there. Rest of the day it nags at me, the facts; No one has or will Love me intimately or physically and I have less and less to offer. Theory - Law of Physics is screwing me. Things flow from greater to lesser. So which way is the love flowing? Me to others? Others to me?
Give up ...
Today - slow work. Paycheck small. Made rent and a new Diabetes med they want to add. Ate at Wendy's and rented movies. Called Scott to cancel hard drive shopping (no money. After My Room Mate gives me rent that saves my overdrawn bank account).
Going back to movies. Spidy 2, Terminal, Beyond Suspicion and Emperor's Club.

0412.04

Well, maybe that did it. I'm feeling really shaky right now.

Okay, work was hell. My Boss is getting worse by the day about yelling or talking before he thinks (at all) ...
I was glad to get out of there early. My Room Mate gave me rent the other night so I did some shopping. Toilet paper, Paper towels, kleenex, cereal and some diet sodas. Mom and I had lunch. I then took the car and bought Greg's B-day present and deposit the rest in the bank. Stopped and talk to Greg to let him know that Brian (T) will be her tomorrow so I wouldn't be by to wake him but he could still come by. Turns out he works tomorrow, he might not make it anyway.
I then put the car back for Mom. I then walked to the movie theater. I wanted to see 'The Grudge' or 'Saw'. I got to the theater and discovered that 'Saw' was gone and 'Grudge' only had late shows. So I went to 'ALEXANDER'. Pardon the pun; It was Great. I especially loved the fact that Stone didn't glaze over Alexander's homosexuality or make him a Queen or Over Compensating Macho man - Just Gay with a Lover and a political marriage. Took my glucose in the middle of the 3 hour film. Walked home. I've now had two long walks and skipped a meal. -109- at Nine and I'm having hot and cold flashes.

Couldn't get a hold of Scott. Mom gave me a check for the hard drive. Sleepy time is fast approaching. Full Stomach ... bad thing ... Don't really care.
Brian tomorrow. Diabetes classes Monday and Tuesday. Greg's B-day Wednesday and last class on Thursday.

0412.06

I thought I'd have more time to write, but I've been filling out lots of paper work. My class begins in about 10 minutes. I'm going to take med's, check glucose and then prepare to take notes.

===

I'm eating cold Ravioli as the instructors go around and review all the personal information we had to bring. I've got a new text book.
My biggest concern right now is how I'm going to carry all of this home. I may just check across the street and see if Greg is working and how late - maybe just beg him for a ride. Otherwise I'll just carry it somehow and make the walk home.

Brian and I had a good time yesterday. He didn't hear about the hospital or the diabetes so we had a lot of catching up to do.
He took me to dinner at Wendy's. That was hysterical. We ate at the restaurant, and there was this woman ... what a riot.
As we order, she stood at the counter and stared at us (or more rather me). Finally she noticed that I was aware of her and asked how old I was. I asked how old she thought I was.
"Well, from you hair style I think you were in college in the 80's." I confirmed that I was, but my hair style is just a lack of money for a haircut.
-- I'll finish this later, class begins --

0412.07

I didn't get back to this. Class went until about 8:30 and I was tired. I walked to Greg's and hoped for a ride. Greg wasn't there (just missed him a dozen times, work and home, and leaving). Melissa was there and gave me a ride. I got home and was still sweating despite it being freezing out. Most likely a reaction to my glucose being 76. To much walk and not enough food. I ate big before bed and still only woke up with 157.
So far today I've been in the high 90's and just keeping level with the food.
Tried to find Scott; no go; and Greg; also no go. I'm eating at Greg's job now - because I had to eat. So, before I try to find Scott again or go grocery shopping let me finish the story about that Lady.

After determining my age by my hair cut she began to ramble on and on revealing to me that she really had no idea how old I was - I remind her of her of a college professor in the 80's and wonder if I knew him or had any of his interests. At this point I wish to describe this woman in her mid 40's or later, overweight in the age induced pear shape that always reminds me of Weebles with stick legs, thick glasses, and a prominently displayed cross - all of which I noticed because I was desperately trying not to stare at the giant whitish booger hanging out of her nose.
As she began to tell Brian and I that the Unitarian Church was the best thing to happen to her since her Southern Baptist church just became to much to handle, the Clerk asked what she wanted. She asked to borrow the phone to call for a ride. More then happy to get her out and away from us, the clerk let her use the phone.
Brian and I sat down and continued to talk, and she came over to wish us a great evening - to "God bless" us several times and invite us to to the Unitarian Church several times. I made the mistake of telling her that I had been there for a wedding (and she desperately needled me for there names to see if she knew them).
The clerk came out to clean tables (and was kind of watching Brian and I for signs of aggravation so he could step in if necessary). The clerk then made his move to get her out - funny in a of its self to me.
"Mam, are you leaving now?" he asked. She said she was, soon, her ride should be here any minute.
"Is that your umbrella?" he asked pointing back to her table, then adding "I wouldn't want you to have to come back."
"Oh yes, Thank you." She said as Brian picked up his sandwich and took his first bite. A bit in which he froze stunned and shocked with eyes the size of saucers as she spoke next.
"Could you get it for me? Please? I mean I know Lincoln emancipated you years ago, but it would be such a help to me if you would bring it to me."
The young man, maybe 17 to 20 years old smiled broadly as he picked up the umbrella and walked across the dining area to hand it to her. As Brian choked down the bite he had taken the clerk pointed outside and said,
"I believe your ride is here."
I was laughing at the look on Brian's face, but was equally shocked at the implications she made. Another round of "Merry Christmas and God bless" and she left.
As soon as the door shut, he turned to us.
"I'm sorry, was she bothering you?" he asked.
"The most annoying thing was that she had this booger hanging from her nose." I said.
He bust up laughing and pressed the button on his head set,
"They were freaked by the booger too!" and we hear the crew in the back laugh. "She was nuts." he said returning to the back. Brian and I finished eating now that we were free of the Twilight Zone.
All caught up. Going to see if I can find Scott again.

0412.08
          HAPPY BIRTHDAY GREG!!

So much to write about (still) and no time (still).
Biting my tongue at diabetes class because its HIV all over again.
          "He who hides his disease hides from his cure."
     and then he asked,
     "Why are you so open about it?" and then he tripped up but we talked a great deal about it.

I was 'boned' hard core at work and I'll be fixing it for the rest of the week.
Spent time with Scott.
Spent time with Greg.
Saw "Blade III" and it was good.
But I really messed up my sugar levels (damn Twizzlers - didn't even think about it).
Finances became a big HOLE today as well. Starting to get a little peeved about it.
HIV can't get med's.
Diabetic can't get food.
... God provides ... but he punishes also.

I'll fill in all the details later, at the very least I am on vacation next week. Now I'm going to try and ignore My Room Mate and his Girlfriend arguing and go to bed.

0412.09

I have about an hour before I need to begin walking to class. Where to begin on all the things I want to talk about. Lets start with the big one that will probably worry a few, but shows that it is all under control.

I messed up last night. For Greg's birthday we went to go and see "Blade III". The switch to diet soda is complete for me at this point - its just the "game" of trying them all to see which ones I like more (of which, my only complaint is the lack of choice in restaurants. You might have 20 choices of soda, but only ONE is diet). So at the concession stand two large drinks (one diet, one regular), large popcorn and Twizzlers. The movie tradition and standard. I had been in double digits all day (I even had a snack to prevent a crash at work) and in the middle of the movie my alarm went off so I took out my monitor and checked. -283- !! What the?
I checked my soda again thinking maybe they misheard me and ... no it was diet. Popcorn doesn't have that much to it. What could possibly ..? ... oh, TWIZZLERS.
I checked the label after the movie. Its not terrible ... until you notice "a serving" is 4 strands. FOUR! Well, by this point I've had maybe 4 servings. Greg and I stopped at Wendy's for some "real" food. Skipping meals is bad. Adjusting them is so much better. I had a lighter dinner at Wendy's. Cut my bed time snack by 3/4 (decision made after checking my levels again). When I woke up, I was still a little high, but by lunch (actually by 9AM snack) I was back in double digits. Slightly larger lunch because of the walk I'm about to take.

"Diabetes is mainly a SELF-CARE disorder." They said in class. It is, and I like being in control like this. I am already thinking that Dr.'X' will be proud of me and i have no doubt that we will be able to manage this disorder with a minimum of problems.

My Last Diabetes class was very informative. I met others that have had higher glucose levels then I had, which was reassuring to a point. A couple of the class members have bee diabetic for years - and this was there first endeavor to treat it. I was a bit amazed.
     Why are people so self-destructive?
Diabetes and HIV have a lot of parallels. Diabetes is known as the "Silent Killer" because often people are unaware of having the disease because they symptoms are not always felt and the only real way to KNOW what your glucose level is - test it.
There was a point in the class where I bit my tongue until the instructor asked me what was wrong.
We where talking about the barriers to behavior change (something I have learned from HIV classes). Her example was;
"You want to monitor your glucose as you should but you don't want anyone to know you have diabetes." I made a noise and slapped my hand over my mouth and then just shook my head and went back to taking notes.
"Did you have a question?" she asked me.
"No." I said meekly.
"Something to say?" she asked me.
That was all that took.
WHY?! would you not want someone to know you had diabetes? There is nothing to be ashamed of and it isn't even contagious. When others know they could help you better especially if something where to happen where you couldn't do it yourself. There learning about it helps them deal with you and anyone else they may run into later and may get them to actively check themselves as well.
"I went through the same arguments of stigma and ignorance with HIV and here it is all over again." I said a little exasperated. The instructor was with me 100% and even point out some other advantages to "being out" as a diabetic. I then add as a closing note, the African proverb I had on an HIV poster;

"The man that hides is disease hides from his cure."

We then went back to identifying and overcoming barriers. A solution to her example - go to the bathroom and test in the privacy of a stall. There is a solution to every problem if you look hard enough nd get creative if necessary.

This leads into the story of my most unusual question of late about HIV.
I was talking to one of my Vendors (a regular relief driver so he isn't there enough to have run into this information before) and mentioned my upcoming Vacation (NEXT WEEK btw). He asked if i was going anywhere or doing anything special. I mentioned that it started out just needing Monday off to do presentations at Seamen High School. He asked what I was presenting.
"I frequently do HIV/AIDS education."
"In schools?" He said nearly shocked.
"Yes and other places. I think it's better when they not only get the facts but can ask questions of someone dealing with it personally. Puts a face on the virus and makes it real and human." Then came the oddly asked question.
"Why are you so open about it?"
My answer tripped him up a bit.
"Because I think we have to be in order to reduce the stigma and raise awareness." I said.
"How did you know?" he asked.
"Know what?" I asked back.
"That I was HIV positive?"
"I didn't until now." I said.
"You said 'we'." I had to smile at his revelation.
"'We' as a community of HIV people."
"I've been HIV positive since I was 19 - Please don't tell anyone!" he said, then plead under his breath.
I assured him that it was his burden and choice to keep or expose his personal information, not mine. But we then talked about our experiences and treatments. He seems to be doing much better with Sustiva then I did - but it works for Shawn Decker also. Identify barriers and over come them. He talked about how he didn't like to carry his medications with him or let others see him take them. I mentioned unmarked containers and that frankly, others have NO idea what those pills are by sight or even by name. He could tell them anything from Migraines to vitamins.
--- Got to start walking. May have more time as I wait for the class to start ---

:16:30
Doh!
Missed meter class. It was further down the page so I missed noticing until I was walking over here. I'll get it rescheduled, because there are some things my meter does that I haven't figured out yet. They also teach theory; what the reading mean and what to make of them.

~~ talking to someone I used to work with that now works here at the Diabetes class. Taking about my signature (the initials and the "logo" I use).

0412.10

Spent all day at work. I did take a lunch and I think I have my bank account even now.
Barb and Dave rescued me from work at 5:30pm. I still wasn't done, but I was close enough to leave.
Had a great night with them and Melissa. We went and saw "Blade III" (again for me, but Barb was in a bad mood and wanted to see things die.) Laughed our butts off afterward with Ice cream (and my levels are still under 150 ... 127 was my last test).
anyway - just 'checking in' before sleep. Clean up everything at work tomorrow then start my vacation off with my presentation at Seamen. Then I plan to do a lot of house work.

0412.12

Last night I went over to Scott's and worked on the web site. He worked on my computer. Technically I have one now.
Scott and I also had dinner and watched 'KUFFS' and talked a lot about some of Scott's 'problems'. One of which is that he hadn't been sleeping well if at all. After he finished installing programs on the computer he went in the front to watch TV while I kept working on the web site. I finished Greg's B-Day entry, which only left me a little more to go, but it was late and I was tired. I went into the front room and found Scott sound asleep on his couch. I couldn't bring myself to wake him. As I put on my coat, he rolled over and looked at me.
"I need to go but, I didn't want to wake you." I said. He nod and went to sleep again. Honestly, I don't think he was really awake just then either. I left and walked home, it was around 11:30 and I got home about 12:05. I had a good snack to cover the walk, and not drive me over the top as I slept. After breakfast I went back to sleep. I woke about 12:30 and had lunch.
I'm happy that I have been able to keep my levels steady. I've been under 150 consistently and around 120 most of the time.
I'm watching 'Spy Games' and waiting for Scott to call me back. I'm hoping to pick him up and get the computer over here, then finish the web site stuff all week while I'm on vacation. See if Greg comes by.
I don't think I mentioned his Birthday present. His girlfriend had to work, otherwise she would have gone with us to see "Blade III". I mentioned that when he got his present he could make it up to her. I also mentioned that my gift is often considered crude and thoughtless most times.
"What the hell did you get me? A battery powered cock-ring?"
I laughed a lot and had fun stringing him along most of the day (and told him I didn't have the money for anything that required batteries).
What I got him where gift certificates. He had mentioned that between his two jobs he had less time to spend with her, and when he did, he still didn't have money to take her anywhere (and she didn't like him spending money he should be using for his bills).
"Here's how you can make up to her not going to the movie. All you have to do is get or make the time." and then gave him the gift certificates for movies and dinner. "All I ask is that you use them for a little romantic time with your girlfriend."
"You got me a date?" He asked and I smiled. "Thank you very much." he replied.
He said he would have no problem making that time and thanked me for his girlfriend also.
I was glad he liked it. I felt good doing something I know he wanted and helped his girlfriend also (she doesn't think I like her, I think she may be jealous of anyone that spends time with Greg. I've been there, I know she is important to him, and I want to be good with both of them).

... You know I'm the same with Scott and his girlfriend.

Love and intimate relationships are still very important to me. It can't happen for me, but I can assist others with theirs. It is important to me that it works somewhere in the world. Two people dedicated to sharing their lives (not giving them up one for the other) and finding common interests, ideas, or thoughts and working through the differences and the conflicts to make each other stronger.
     And here is my major thought for the day : If you can do that with one person, you are one step closer to doing it with anyone and making the world a better place.

0412.13

Very early in the morning. I haven't heard from Scott all of yesterday - wondering if he's mad at me for "letting" him sleep. Hope he's still going with me to the School.
Spent last night getting ready. We'll see if it pays off.

:07:20

No Scott. Same as yesterday, not answering his hone or his door. I really hope everything is okay.
I'm really early for the School also. It's a good thing I'm easily amused and I can keep myself occupied.

:16:50

I had a great day at the School. I didn't get to as many of the written questions as I had wanted to, but as I reviewed the questions - my presentations answered about 95% of them which make me feel better.
I also performed a bit of an experiment, and it worked.
In presenting what I called "The Duck Tape" of HIV information for the tool box (Duck Tape can temporarily fix anything until you get the right tools) I went over the four fluids and how they transmit HIV. As "extra credit" I asked about and told them of the fifth fluid. This also allowed me to make a joke that broke the ice.
"Unless you are a Surgeon, Doctor, Nurse or a Psycho with a Chainsaw you will not run into Spinal Fluid - so don't worry about that one."
Six classes all together, after lunch, the experiment paid off.
"Does anyone want to take a wild guess at what this other fluid is?" I asked.
"Spinal Fluid." was said. Someone else even said, "How did you know that?" as I said yes and wrote it on the board.
The information was getting through, and more important to me ... they where talking about it outside of class to other students.
That made all the differences to me.

I called Scott from the School, still voice mail. I stopped by afterward. Still no answer at the door. I called again when I got home. Voice mail.
I asked if he was mad at me or if there was something else going on in my message and asked him to call me.
I think he may be mad at me for the impression that I did not wake him and walked home, rather then the truth of his not waking up as I spoke to him and the need I had for exercise to lower my sugars.

I'm watching HERO, in English. I am impressed at the accuracy of the translations. Tonight I hope to watch "Earthsea".

0412.14

This should be the last night of handwritten journals for a while. Scott came by with the Computer tonight and set it up.
I talked to him about the days he "avoid" me. I was right to be worried about him, and mislead in my paranoia. He explained he ha a bad "Bi-polar swing." and he was avoiding everyone (not just me). I explained that talking to others and getting out really helps those situations - he agreed and said what really snapped him out of it was his room mate (who he couldn't avoid because he had a key) who finally talked him into going out to a bar for a night of shooting pool. His girlfriend also returned to town last night - so he is on the up-swing again.

I accomplished everything on my list today ... and more. I have much to do tomorrow now because of the more I did.
I need my sleep for an early start tomorrow. I hope to write more then ... and detail the discussion with my Insurance agent.

0412.15

Lets start with the Insurance agent.
I finally called my Actual Insurance Agent since the national claims people (and the agent assigned to me) never called me back. I heard from them ONCE which was to take my statement on the accident. I heard more from the other insurance company (Twice - once to take my statment, the other time to tell me it was my fault). I had left a lot of voice mails asking what we could do to contest or what any of my options where - I never got any answers.
When I called my agent, I orginally got his voice-mail. I left a message saying that I have been left in the dark and just needed a few answers. He called me back when I was out running an arrend, but let me know when he would be back in the office himself. I called back and was able to talk to him personally.
What I was stuck with more then anything else, was that I was still not getting any answers. He blandly appologized that his national people wouldn't return phone calls but also let me know they are not obligated to call me or tell me anything. I pointed out that I had heard more from the other insurance company then I had heard from my own. Still I was getting this "What do you expect me to do about it?" attitude.
"All I want are some answers about what is going on so that I can make some decisions about what to do with my car. If I can't get them, I think I'll just have to close my policies and find continued insurance somewhere else."
"Well now are YOU just Jumping the Gun there, Mr. Turner!" He said to me indignately. This in and of itself pissed me off. He was now seriously pissed off and became incredibly kurt with me in all his answers.
"I'm sorry if I seem to have upset you -" I said to him,
"It upsets me greatly when people threaten me. I will not even respond to your threat!" He said abruptly. Thing is - he was diffinately responding to the 'threat'. Fact of the matter is, he then answered every single one of my questions - all of them still in an angry tone of voice. I didn't care. I was getting my answers. I prefer being spoken to in anger then being ignored. However, as a customer - I'm not going to put up with it.
I was then told that my Insurance company ALSO determined that it was my fault - on the grounds that I recieved the ticket and there was NO police reporting on the incident other then 'they gave me a ticket and exchanged the insurance information'. He told me also, that "we are at the mercy of whatever the police do - we as an insurance company can't make them do a better job." He further pointed out that the ONLY time an insurance company will talk to the client is if they are getting money from the company - they are under No obligation to let me know they are NOT going to give or get me any money.
Thus - the other insurance company went above and beyond there obligations by letting me know they would not pay anything out. I now have more respect for them. I was finally told that my claim had been LONG finished and I was going to recieve nothing because in there years of experience I will never get that ticket overturned and even if I did - they had already determined that I was at fault.
I was also informed, in a condesending tone "You should have known all of this." When I asked how I should have known this, he replied "Anyone that has ever filed a claim knows this."
"So the fact that this is my first accident ever, and my first claim - I should have known all of this?" He apologized for this being my first accident, not that he should have known it was my first claim, or guided me through the process anyway. I was also then lectured by him that I should have called him much sooner.
I informed him that he (or his Office) was the first person I contact - and I was told that I had to call the National Claim number and be assigned an agent. I did that. That agent told me he would be the only one handeling my case and if I had any questions I needed to call him. I did. It was when I didn't get any replies that I finally called him to see what was going on.
"So you are mad at him and you are taking it out on me?" My agent said angrily again.
"I called you with my problems and frustrations - even outlined them in your voice-mail. You should have been prepared to deal with a customer."

I have been with this same agent since I began driving. I was under my parents policy as I learned to drive. That means that in the long run - I have been with this agency, and this agent for 22 years. In that time I was the victim of vandelizm once (the roof of my convertable was sliced open) - in which I was told to get it fixed and bring them the bill - they reimbursed me for the repair, then raised my rates because I had made an "improvement" to the car and it was now more expensive; and had this accident.
I have been left with the impression that since I only needed to make contact with my agent twice in 22 years, that I must not need an agent when I do contact them. I felt like I was a nuisance to them for even talking to them about my policy. I won't stand for that either.

I felt as if I should laugh out loud, but restained myself, when I went in to terminate the policy on a car I can't drive and isn't worth anything to them or me, and saw the Poster on the wall that said; "We Treasure Our Customers!"
The poster actually fit though, all the customers where in a chest with a hand coming down to close the lid (I think they meant to imply they open the lid - but that isn't the way I percieved it now).

I found a car that I think would be great. It's even 'affordable'. I went to my bank for a loan - damn it was looking good.
I just heard from them. They won't touch me because of my Bankruptcy. The only option - someone that will Co-sign for me. I am waiting to hear back from them about someone out of state Co-signing the loan for me. My Mother doesn't have the best credit. I don't feel comfortable asking my Father to do it. Both of them are retired now and I don't think that would go over well on the application. Everyone else that is capable lives out of state.
I have also been looking around for car insurance. If I get the car - I'm not renewing with Farmers. When I find an Agent I can deal with, I'll also start my Renters insurance with them and cancel out of Famers all together.

I guess what my Agent failed to realize, it wasn't a Threat - it was a statement of fact now backed by intent.

Anyway, been working on the computer all day as well. Setting things up. Catching up here.
Just waiting to see if Greg is coming by this afternoon or not.

20:20

I'm pretty much assuming that Greg isn't coming by.
Having a hard time trying to get this to upload.
Called Griffin about co-signing a loan with me. Once I find out the proceedures - I'll try it again.
I'm going to be dissappointed if I can't get this car. It bothers me that I had a loan for just under 10,000 and paid it off early - yet it doesn't amount to anything and I can't get a loan for 5,000.

0412.16

Last night ... I don't know what to think about it other then it was nice.
I began talking with KS on line. There was talk of finally getting together for that Chinese lunch - there was some teasing ... then finally I said it was his call; I log off and go to bed so we can have lunch tomorrow, or I log off and go to get him. He asked me to come and get him (after a bit of a discussion about how he wasn't making any promises about the future - I pointed out I had given that part up - in fact if he had made some kind of promise about the future I couldn't have taken him seriously).

He came over and we watched 'Pleasantville' as he drank some more. We talked a lot during the movie as well. It became obvious to me there was a bit of a problem between what he wanted to do, and what he felt was safe. I made sure he understood that A) I wouldn't do anything that put him at risk and B) If he wasn't comfortable with it - it wouldn't happen - he was in control.
He asked if it was okay if he put his arm around me. I was more then fine with that (in our conversation I told him I would have come by even if all he wanted to do was hug). As we watched the movie he whispered my name, and after I answered he asked,
"Are you sure you won't get any spinal fluid on me?" (I had told him about the presentations at the High School, it served a duel purpose - reviewing HIV information before a possible encounter and letting him know about that joke). I had to laugh, and I said,
"Are you a chainsaw Psycho?"
"I don't know. I think I feel some spinal fluid on me." He said laughing with me.
"Rrunn-un-dah-dah" I said imatating the sound of a chainsaw. We began laughing a lot then.

I took him home in the early morning - because none of this happened until after Midnight.
Now I'm tired. So, I'm going to bed.

"Hey Griffin, could I borrow a feather?" I asked. His wings streatched out and covered me.
"Okay, Just this once." He said with a wink as the Rebus analysed the situations.

Greg just stopped by to let me know what had been going on. He was on Break from his second job - he's been working all week long. He needs the money so he wasn't going to say no. He told me he thought about calling me to let me know what was going on several times but each time he got a break he thought it would have been to late to call or he forgot until he was working again. It's all good - actually I figured this was the reason.
Okay - sleepy time.

(Notation - This was edit. I did so because KS asked about the entry, and (after reading it) very kindly asked me to alter it for his privacy. Because it orginally hit the web without his consent; because he asked very nicely; and it has never been my intent to highlight anyones life here other then my own - I edit it. I also want everyone to know that I don't feel as if he asked me to take anything out of the entry that took away from it's meaning or it's intent to educate.)

0412.17

Not really the way you want to start your day.
The Phone rang. I checked the caller ID - It was St. Francis Hospital. I figured it was someone from the Diabetes class calling to remind me of a class or reschedual one if there was a conflict.
It was my Mother. "?" She needed a ride home. "?"
She had been hit by a car "!?!" - I didn't even take a shower (still haven't actually) and I was out that door in a second.

22 stitches and two big bruises later I understood the story more. I originally thought she was in a car accident - in her car, but I had the car - she was hit as a pedistrian.
She was crossing the street on a walk light, and a young man in 'company' van was making a left hand turn and not paying attention. Mother saw him coming and realized that he didn't even see her and tried to get out of the way.
"If I where a few years younger I might have made it far enough back." She kept saying. I'm glad she got as far back as she did. She could have been hit head on and in much worse shape. As it is - she was clipped by the side-mirror and then fell to the ground (thus the two large bruises - one on her hip, the other mid-back). The 22 stitches are also a bit of a miracle. They start at her eyebrow and go to her hair line. Missed her eye all together - didn't even hit her glasses.
It was a very deep cut though - I've seen my Mother's skull now. The 'Nurse' (and I put it that way because I am not a 100% sure of her title - could have been a Dr.) that was stitching her up coment on how clean a cut it was, not mangled where she would have had to cut a lot of the skin out to make a repairable wound. We made the joke to pull the stitches really tight so Mom could have free face lift .
Mom is now home with several ice packs on.
It took me a while to convince her NOT to go to work tonight. It had to be done in steps.
First I convinced her that it wasn't going to be a good idea to drive after a head injury - I would take her and pick her up. She answers the phones in a medical nursing home - she would have been surrounded by Nurses and Doctors if she went. I could understand her desire to stay active - just to keep from getting any more sore. But I really felt that she could do that at home as well.
It was only after all the pain killers began to wear off that she took me seriously and called in to work. I knew that would be a factor. I don't want to say that I was waiting for it, but I delay my shopping a little in favor of getting her comfortable at home, and giving those med's just enough time to wear off.
"It's isn't really a head injury - it's not like I was unconscious."
"Mom! You where struck in the head by a Van. That counts as a head wound." I replied. She didn't want me to check on her every two hours like the Doctors said. I'm also not sure, but I'll bet she just doesn't want to be bothered every 2 hours. We worled it out that a phone call is enough.

Can you all see where I get my head strong streaks and my desire to be left alone when I'm sick or ill - not liking anyone just hovering over me? I told my Mother to stop being a hypocrite and let me do what I have to do. Everything is going fine now. Her neighboor (my 'adopted' sister) will also be looking in on her so my Mother doesn't feel like it's all on me. She and I are working in tandem though.

Barb and Dave have called. They are coming over before to long.
Griffin and Ray have also called me - both to check up on my Mom, and because Griffin Co-signed on my Loan and I have now been approved. After he sends the signature back in the Fed/Ex package - I will be able to pick up the car.
Not wanting to Jinx it, I hadn't told my Mother about all of that yet. Especially since she was the one that had spot it and told me about it.

Spence got a delay in his Vet visit because of all this. He's so lucky and he doesn't even know it. But he's going in tomorrow at 11:30 and then I can go over and treat Mom to lunch.
(Jason thanked me a lot today also - Mom didn't want to worry him; but I made her call and talk to him so he would know everything is okay, and what is going on).

0412.18

Mom is doing very well. Still in good spirits (all things considered).
I was kind of stood up tonight by everyone. They called to tell me they would be late ... at 9pm I called again to find out what had happened to them all. Lots of miscomunications.
It is actually only about 1:30am as I write this. I call Mom again in about a half hour. Then I'm going to go to bed and call her at 5am when I take meds and go back to sleep until I take Spence to the Vet at 11:30.

Also - I was talking to KS on line again. He asked me to edit my orginal journal entry.
I so much wanted to tell him he was being way to paranoid for no reason - but then I remembered my own youth; and the fact that you can not Deny the way someone feels. After a lot of talking, I was readily able to see what I had written him that worried him, and worked out being able to edit it to both of our satisfactions.

====

It's been a pretty good day.
I called Mom again and quized her for the last time.
"Name, Rank and Serial Number please." I said when she answered the phone.
"Oh God, Your Mother and I like Oatmeal over cereal." she answered (seriously - do you wonder where I get it from?)

We had lunch and she finally got to wash all the blood out of her hair. Most of her clothes came clean - her coat may be a different matter (but that makes for a great Birthday or Christmas gift).
I still tried to talk her out of it, but it looks like she is going to work tonight.

I went shopping and got new work shoes (the others were barely being held together). I also found another pair of shoes for 'around' that were on sale. I stopped at Best Buy and picked up a few DVD's so I am set for entertainment for the next couple of weeks.
I went to the Dollar General and picked up a few canned goods - so I am set for food for the next week or so.
It's nice to be in the black for a change.

Time to settle in for the night.

==== 22:00

Scott and Spence are not having a great night.
Scott came over to kill some time and watch movies with me.
Spence then came running through the appartment foaming at the mouth! (not joking)
I caught him and cleaned him up and then called the Vet and asked them about it. Scott helped me take Spence in. Turns out this time Spence had a bad reaction to the flea wipes. He had an agravated tounge and throat from licking his fur with the flea meds. Last time he didn't have a reaction - but this time he did. I'm throwing the rest of them out. Going to get those drops again (but I still can't put them on him for another couple of days). Vet gave Spence another shot (total of four today) and he should be fine. Maybe some wet food to help his throat (but the shot seems to have helped, because he has been eating and drinking).
On the way over though - Scott about keeled over from a Migraine. Said he'd been getting them recently because he has given up cafine and cigarrettes.
"At least this time I didn't get a bloody nose." At times like this I wish I had endless money and medical resources. Anyway, on the way home we stopped at my Mom's and he used some of the Tylonal she had. He saw her stitches, and she got to play mother to him a little also.

Any way - Vacation is almost over.

0412.20

I just had a really cool night with Scott. He just dropped by and we watched Buffy DVD's and talked. Went out to dinner. It was nice to just hang out again, here, without some other pretense to get together (like the computer).
Wierd, it's kind of hard to explain it.

Yesterday, I also rent a movie that I REALY liked.
"The United States of Leland". Incredible film. (Un?)Fortunately, I really ... can't think of the word ... empathize? Identify? correspond? ... with Leland.
The philosophy of the movie is incredible - really digs up some good and thought provoking ideas.
"How many tears and prayers are wasted trying to undo sad things? Nothing can undo what was done."
I'm going to have to own this movie.

Returning that movie, I had two really eerie happenings.
I walked there. It was really cold. I stayed in the store to warm up for a little before the return walk home. There was someone there that looked exactly like the actor that played Leland. My Room Mate had said how someone he worked with looked just like that guy also. It was so uncanny, I asked if he was the guy that worked with My Room Mate. He wasn't.
Makes you wonder how many people are out there that look like this guy ... or that I am just noticing them ...

The second happening was on the walk home.
I was looking at the ground. There where all these bird droppings on the side walk. I've noticed many flocks of birds flying over this area. I was looking at the patterns of the splatters, and the different colors of them (white to bluish). Then I notices a group of splatters that where different, red. I realized it was blood. I looked up and realized where I was - It was my Mother's blood.
I suddenly saw exactly how the accident happened ... and where my Mother had fallen.

Anyway, tomorrow is my Mother's Birthday.

Oh, work was hell. My 'morron' gets worse every time.
The only good news - or bad depending on how you look at it - My company decided to extend receiving hours for the holidays (on two days only). So I'm going to have two days from 6am to 5pm with an hour lunch. Lot's more money for me.
Really time to sleep now.

0412.22

I just got back from Scott's. He gave me a ride home from work at 5pm. I picked up "The United States of Leland" and we ordered a pizza and watched that.
That movie is even better the second time. I'm really glad that I own it.

Wish I owned a car by now. It seems I keep running into problems with the loan.
Can't get it.
I have to have a Co-signer.
I can't have it for the amount I asked for ($5000 - the car is $4358 - they will only give me the amount of the car).
It should have gone through by now - I just received a message from Griffin (my Co-signer) that he hasn't gotten the papers yet.

Tired and ready for bed.

0412.24

I set down to write and then became distracted by phone calls from freinds and family alike.
So, I'll back up a little and hit on more then what I just set down to write.

I still don't have a car - or the loan for the car. I believe more then anything that the paperwork is now sitting in a "Closed for the Holidays" Bank and I won't hear anything until Monday or Tuesday. I know that all of this will work out in the plan of the universe, but it's frustrating that it is taking so long (I really had hoped to have all of this done while I was on Vacation). I am almost wondering if this is the Universes way of telling me that I should walk more then I have been.

Of course, then in lies what I set down to write about.
My walking seems to be a problem to my family.
I am supposed to have lunch with my Father (and his family) tomorrow at 1pm. I have no problem with that.
Mom will have the car tomorrow - because Jason lands in KC at about Noon. While I am at Lunch with Dad, Mom will be picking up Jason at the airport - then I will be having dinner with them. Now, Dad I don't think knows that. I'm not sure that Jason has told him that he is coming. I'm not going to say - because basically, that is Jason's job and choice.
Mother called me before going to work to ask me how I was going to be getting to that Lunch.
"I'll walk over. It's no big deal."
"It's supposed to freezeing out tomorrow, son!" My mother whaled. At least with her I was able to pull a few situations out from her recovery and that she isn't 'Fragile' and neither am I. I am an adult, I can dress warmly, the walk will be good for my blood sugars (especially since I'm not working to get that exersize) and she only lives about 2 blockes away.
Oddly enough, it was the 2 blocks away that finally put my Mother at ease. She didn't know where it was and thought I was about to undertake some massive hours long walk. Something less then 15 to 10 minutes wasn't as much a worry for her.
Done with Mom.
Dad calls. He wanted to confirm that I would be there. He offered to give me a ride.
I told him I didn't need a ride. He asked if I had the car. I said no - I was planing to walk over. He again pushed for giving me a ride.
"It's supposed to freezeing out tomorrow, son!" My father whine.
I am an adult, I can dress warmly, the walk will be good for my blood sugars (especially since I'm not working to get that exersize) and she only lives about 2 blockes away. I kept thinking to myself that I just had this speech, and it worked; so I really wasn't expecting to meet with the continued resistance. My Father knows how close it is. My Father is also a Diabetic and can understand the need to regulate glucose levels with a little exersize. My God, I am an ADULT and able to dress myself for the weather (or for God's sake, make a call to my Dad tomorrow if I feel that I can't). I pretty much had to put my foot down and say that I would walk and that was my decision. He finally said okay, and the he would see me tomorrow. (You know I can even understand my Father's desire to just want to see me as much as possible, but I am going to be there - he will see me.)
I thought it was over.
Not but maybe 10 minutes later - My Father's Wife called me.
It was like a repeat of the entire conversation I had with my Father. I think she may still have the delusion that she can have some kind of 'motherly' pull on my decisions - or even guilt me toward them under the name of my Father's feelings. I'm sorry but she has even less pull - in fact that she even tries makes me resist. Quite frankly, she would have MUCH better luck if she tried to be a freind, instead of thinking that she had some kind of Mother role because she is married to my Father.
Our conversation ended with letting me walk over,
"But we will give you a ride home." She said - by the way, said it like it wasn't even an option.
"We can argue about that tomorrow." I replied. Once again, I am an Adult and capable of making decisions that effect me. I can truely determine if I can walk two blocks in what ever weather is present.
After that - I practically expected the rest of his 'step-family' to call and make the same offers and demands. Thank God they didn't - They are already on my sour side for this.

"But you are there baby boy!" Griffin said on the phone. "You know you are 'Frageelee' or where ever that place is." I started to laugh at the 'Christmas Story' reference.
"Fragile - I think it's Italian!" I replied remembering the scene as he reads the box of his 'major award'. Griffin and I laughed a while and talked a little about the loan. Then he had the phone over to Ray and he and I talked. Ray will be coming for a visit in the first week of the New Year. I'm looking forward to it.

Then there was Scott on-line.

Scott (7:40:04 AM): birdcage is such an awesome movie. lol
misfitlife (7:50:00 PM): I know ... tried to watch it today ... but my player decided that Dark City was enough - no more. I had to turn it off maybe it'll work again later.
Scott (8:08:19 PM): merry christmas
misfitlife (8:08:34 PM): Happy Holidays to you as well
misfitlife (8:08:47 PM): LOL - not in a great mood? finger in the picture?
Scott (8:09:00 PM): eh, not really in the holiday spirit
misfitlife (8:09:21 PM): By the way - I have something for you - when will you be around?
misfitlife (8:09:36 PM): doing anything with family or are you still that pissed at your mom?
Scott (8:10:02 PM): still pissed at mom, told her to stop calling, stop emailing, stop messaging, cancel the check, she's lost her first born for this christmas
*He is mad at his Mother because in a phone conversation that seemed to be about making him feel bad, she actually told him that he was a 'Bad Father', when he asked her about that (the 'why am I?') she wouldn't say, and also never apologized for it.*
misfitlife (8:10:17 PM): Nice gift
Scott (8:10:20 PM): then... i don't know what i'm going to do
misfitlife (8:10:37 PM): ? *girlfreind* thing not working out the way you thought?
Scott (8:10:43 PM): i don't want to move in with her
Scott (8:10:49 PM): it's more because i have no place else to go
misfitlife (8:11:11 PM): work it for two weeks to a month - then you can come here
misfitlife (8:11:14 PM): seriously
Scott (8:11:31 PM): i think i can buy myself 10 more days in this place
Scott (8:11:40 PM): they don't take legal action until the 10th
*Scott still hasn't been able to find a job - he's been getting depressed over it also because this is the longest he has ever been without one - his room mate has moved back home, and now he can't make the rent*
misfitlife (8:12:17 PM): one day at a time then - keep your eyes, ears and ideas open.
Scott (8:12:47 PM): i am, i'll have a job by the new year, guarenteed
Scott (8:12:58 PM): just a matter of getting to that point
Scott (8:13:03 PM): i'll still loose the apartment
misfitlife (8:13:17 PM): guarenteed? What is in the wait until then?
Scott (8:13:27 PM): nobody would hire before the new year
misfitlife (8:14:00 PM): Things are still tight around the new year - but I will keep my hopes up for you as well.
misfitlife (8:14:11 PM): I'm more worried about you being without a roof
Scott (8:14:19 PM): me too! ironic! haha
Scott (8:14:33 PM): i'd much rather live with you
misfitlife (8:14:39 PM):
Scott (8:14:41 PM): idono... *girlfreind* is drifting farther away
misfitlife (8:14:48 PM): or you are ...
Scott (8:14:56 PM): probably a lot of both
misfitlife (8:15:01 PM): you are changing
misfitlife (8:15:12 PM): I think for the better by the way
Scott (8:15:14 PM): i know... i think i'm starting to realize i can only be abused so much before i snap
misfitlife (8:15:29 PM): BINGO! been there and realized that
Scott (8:15:40 PM): i've been writing in my actual journal, like on paper most of yesterday and today
Scott (8:15:44 PM): like 20 pages lol
misfitlife (8:15:45 PM): I guess I have a higher tolerance then most
Scott (8:15:50 PM): probably
misfitlife (8:15:52 PM): Good
Scott (8:15:58 PM): i'll probably type them out sometime
misfitlife (8:16:00 PM): writting is great
Scott (8:16:10 PM): ya, writing is helping me organize my thoughts
misfitlife (8:16:13 PM): I actually set down here to write in my journal.
Scott (8:16:26 PM): lol i get distracted lmao
Scott (8:16:33 PM): so i have to leave the computer to write
Scott (8:16:33 PM): haha
misfitlife (8:16:55 PM): LOL
misfitlife (8:17:04 PM): Griffin on the phone
misfitlife (8:17:13 PM): if I get slow this is the reason
Scott (8:17:32 PM): no problem, you are the only one online on my entire list of like 40 people, so at least there is SOMEONE to talk to lol
misfitlife (8:19:11 PM): Griffin says hi
Scott (8:19:19 PM): /waves hi back/
misfitlife (8:23:47 PM): Ray says hi
Scott (8:23:59 PM): hi ray!
Scott (8:24:01 PM):
Scott (8:26:38 PM): i've got dual monitors... and i dont' have enough space... i want 3 monitors!
Scott (8:27:08 PM): theni can full screen 3 differnet porns at once! MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA
Scott (8:27:56 PM): you like the flaming lips?
misfitlife (8:30:38 PM): yes i do
misfitlife (8:30:52 PM): Also Echo and the Bunny Men
misfitlife (8:31:03 PM): Spence just yacked
Scott (8:31:15 PM): ah man, echo and the bunny men rock!
Scott (8:31:20 PM): i'll go download their cd's for you
Scott (8:31:33 PM): i've got 3 flaming lips cd's i think...
Scott (8:31:38 PM): getting The Soft Bulletin right now
misfitlife (8:32:11 PM): LOL - men shouldn't read the 'Soft Bullet in"
Scott (8:32:19 PM): lmao!!!
Scott (8:32:33 PM): horrible you are yes...
Scott (8:32:54 PM): it might actually be a good idea for me to live with *girlfreind* for a month
Scott (8:33:02 PM): it would let me find out what's really in her head
misfitlife (8:33:08 PM): oh - I've been in great form the last couple of days. Killer puns at work
Scott (8:33:17 PM): haha sweet!
misfitlife (8:33:39 PM): You might be right about *girlfreind* - then again, you could end up hating her a lot by then
Scott (8:33:50 PM): well, either way at least i would have an answer
misfitlife (8:34:01 PM): true
misfitlife (8:34:08 PM): okay the puns
Scott (8:34:14 PM): yes, to the puns
misfitlife (8:34:37 PM): one guy was watching produce making all the fruit baskets and said "It is that time of year again."
misfitlife (8:34:53 PM): I said "Right, when all the fruits become a basket case."
Scott (8:35:00 PM): ROFL!!!!!!
Scott (8:35:03 PM): very nice... lol
Scott (8:35:15 PM): that is the first time i have laughed today
misfitlife (8:35:19 PM): One of my other vendors replied to someone that he was 'Just hanging'
misfitlife (8:35:27 PM): I said in this weather - no man hangs
Scott (8:35:35 PM): lol
Scott (8:35:41 PM): hahahhaaha
misfitlife (8:35:51 PM): I didn't realize I had said it that loud but everyone in the back room started laughing.
misfitlife (8:35:55 PM):
misfitlife (8:36:01 PM): glad I could make you laugh
Scott (8:36:02 PM): that one is fucking classic
Scott (8:36:05 PM): LOL!
Scott (8:36:07 PM): hahahahaha
Scott (8:36:30 PM): any other music you want?
misfitlife (8:37:27 PM): Honestly, I can't think of any ... but I hear a song and then always forget to find out the title or the band
Scott (8:37:47 PM): i do that crap all the time
misfitlife (8:37:53 PM): I love anything - if there is something you think I would like - rip it for me.
Scott (8:38:01 PM): sounds like a plan!
Scott (8:38:11 PM): as i have nothing better to do with my time lol
Scott (8:38:18 PM): i refuse to play my games or watch movies until my internet is off
Scott (8:38:22 PM): that way i have something to do
Scott (8:38:22 PM): lol
misfitlife (8:38:31 PM): hehe - good plan really
Scott (8:38:43 PM): << knows his own attention span
misfitlife (8:38:50 PM): kind of like me buying the movies when i have the money so I can watch them when I don't
Scott (8:38:57 PM): bingo
Scott (8:38:58 PM):
misfitlife (8:39:22 PM): Hell, I generally rent with the intention of knowing if it's worth buying later.
Scott (8:39:28 PM): lol
Scott (8:39:38 PM): i usually rip when you have the intention of renting
misfitlife (8:39:40 PM): - did I tell you Jason comes into Town tomorrow?
Scott (8:39:47 PM): oh yeah? that's awesome!
Scott (8:39:52 PM): flying into KC?
misfitlife (8:40:06 PM): Yeah - mom is picking him up while I'm at dads
Scott (8:40:19 PM): make sure and tell him happy holidays from me
misfitlife (8:40:21 PM): and I will be argueing with them about my ability to walk
misfitlife (8:40:27 PM): I will -
Scott (8:40:29 PM): your ability to walk?
misfitlife (8:40:47 PM): actually - since you aren't doing anything - you want to come over for dinner with us or something?
Scott (8:41:09 PM): idono... i'd feel weird..
misfitlife (8:41:12 PM): yeah - evidently I'm not adult enough to make the wise decision to walk two blocks in the cold
Scott (8:41:29 PM): who all would be there?
misfitlife (8:41:40 PM): no need to feel weird - but I don't want you to do it if it would make you uncomfortable
misfitlife (8:42:02 PM): dinner - Me, Mom and Jason - You if you come
Scott (8:42:10 PM): oh
Scott (8:42:11 PM): well hell
Scott (8:42:15 PM): that's not to bad
Scott (8:42:16 PM): lol
misfitlife (8:42:21 PM): Mom will actually be making breakfast (eggs and cinnamon rolls)
Scott (8:42:26 PM): ah sweet
Scott (8:42:30 PM): *drools*
Scott (8:42:36 PM): i have not had cinnamon rolls in years
Scott (8:42:44 PM): what time?
misfitlife (8:43:09 PM): When Jason gets back - I'm thinking around 5pm ... let me call and ask really quick
Scott (8:43:18 PM): you really think she wouldn't mind?
Scott (8:43:31 PM): ... i feel like i'm imposing even though you asked me weird... lol
misfitlife (8:43:38 PM): I know she wouldn't
Scott (8:43:49 PM): ok...
misfitlife (8:46:43 PM): Mom said you should have know better then to doubt your welcomness
Scott (8:46:51 PM): lol
misfitlife (8:46:57 PM): dinner is when they get back and we show up
Scott (8:47:10 PM): ok
misfitlife (8:47:21 PM): so I can give you a call when I get back from my Dad's and you can come over and wait with me if you like
Scott (8:47:28 PM): sounds good to me
misfitlife (8:47:37 PM): SWEET!
Scott (8:47:40 PM):
Scott (8:47:42 PM): ty...
Scott (8:47:46 PM): this means a lot to me
misfitlife (8:48:09 PM): Means a lot to me also that you will come - I love you like Family - you've allways been the best to me.
Scott (8:48:22 PM): i feel the same way
misfitlife (8:49:02 PM): *blush* *hug symbol* okay now lets drop the squishy stuff untill later
Scott (8:49:08 PM): lol
Scott (8:49:08 PM): ok
Scott (8:49:16 PM): i have not slept
Scott (8:49:23 PM): so i think imma try and catch a nap
Scott (8:49:26 PM): before another long night lol
misfitlife (8:49:45 PM): okay - sounds good. I'm going to log off and write then go to bed
Scott (8:49:52 PM): okie
misfitlife (8:49:58 PM): I'll call you around 2 or 3ish I would think
Scott (8:50:02 PM): sounds good
Scott (8:50:04 PM): i'll be here
Scott (8:50:05 PM): lol
Scott (8:50:08 PM): oh hey
Scott (8:50:10 PM): did you get your car?
misfitlife (8:50:39 PM): not yet - I'm thinking the paper work is in the closed for the holidays bank right now and by Monday I may have the check for the car
misfitlife (8:50:47 PM): basically a car for X-mas
Scott (8:50:50 PM): lol sweet!
Scott (8:50:52 PM): aight
Scott (8:50:53 PM): go write
Scott (8:50:56 PM): imma zonk out
misfitlife (8:50:58 PM): you go sleep
Scott (8:51:04 PM): k

I actually thought I would knock out the unimportant stuff - and there wasn't any LOL.

I am a little sad that I won't be with Mom to pick up Jason. My other big 'fear' about that is that Jason will Freak when he actually sees Mom (her injuries are at the stage of looking really BAD, though they are signs of her healing up well. As the Doctors warned us, the injury has 'leaked' down her face as a bruise; thus she has a really bad looking black eye now, and a yellowish stain down the side of her face and neck (and she tells me on to her chest as well) - but that yellow color is actually a sign of good healing. She also still has 5 of her stitches which the Doctor felt he should leave in for another week). It will just be hard for him to see without having seen what came before, and he will have to try and overcome the feeling of having wanting to be here and not being able to until now.

Okay ... I think I need to go to bed now. I need to check -

This is the way my glucose journal looks - I've been thinking about adding it to each days journal entry for those that are curious and making a compilation at the bottom of each page with other notes and concerns.
Let me know what you think - are you all interested in what these levels are and what I do about them?

0412.25: æ : Merry Christmas : æ :

Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house
Spence was tearing through the wrappings of My Room Mates Spouse
I am working on my web page and wondering when I can cash the checks
Befuddled by e-mail and tons of spam about bizzar and strange sex

Still I remember the highlights of the Holiday Season
Past all the commercials and Hype I remembered the Reason
It was the time I spent with Family and Freinds
With Joy and Love that somehow transends
It was the conversation and the time we spent
Not the presents or things, but the love that was meant

If you are dissapointed because you didn't get what you wanted
Remember the love that was offered, before you become haunted
By resentment and notion that you where not loved enough
To be isolated by things that make your life so tough
And remember that you are still alive and somehow wanted
So you still have the chance to give and receive whats needed
Insight, Understanding, Compassion, Support, and Love
To give and receive with the faith in life to rise above

Happy Holidays to All
Have a Safe and Happy New Year
Keep the Spirit Alive

I keep thinking I should write, but then I don't seem to have the time, then I forget what I wanted to write about.

I've been having a good time with my Brother in town. Scott really liked the Christmas present I got him (a Donnie Darko T-shirt with Frank the Bunny on it and the caption "I can show you the way."

Greg liked his T-shirt for Christmas also. His response was,
"I'm glad I didn't buy it when I saw it now." Which to me is God looking out for me, letting me get him something he wanted, and preventing him from buying.
It was a black T-shirt that said, "I have Animal Magnatism : When I got outside Squirels stick to my clothes". That Squirel stuff from when he played Arjunn just never really wore off. It makes for a lot of really great jokes.

Since then ... work:
Oh my god what a disaster. They extended the receiving hours for two days. They picked really bad days to do it on though. Besides that, we may have gotten the memo, but I don't think any of the Vendors did - because no one showed up after the regular hours. I don't really care, gave me time alone to finish up a lot of little things I haven't been able to get done. I can really use the hours.
10 hours is still a long shift though - even with the lunch.
Monday (one of the long days) was spent fixing the new procedures sent down from the Main Office. I got the memo at 1:30pm on Monday - it was to go into effect on Sunday the 26th. So I had to go and do all of Sundays invoices again - but it wasn't working out the way the Office said. I called them. They finally called me back and I worked with them on the deal and we figured out what needed to be changed (of course that meant that I now had to go and do all of Sunday's invoices again). The people at the Office began to wonder why I was the only one that had called.
That would be because everyone else got the memo even later then I did, and had the information as they began the day on Tuesday ... and none of them called the Office - they called me to explain it to them (I swear - four stores called me asking how it was supposed to be done).
This of course also confused all the Department Managers and they all had to have me explain how it changed there paperwork and "Why the Hell are they doing this anyway!?"
I was talking to my Brother about that a little. After I explained it to the Managers, they liked the idea. But in the mean time, it will take (probably) a year before Accounting comes back and tells us if we really made a difference.
(without getting to technical - we are now taking the delivery charges out of the invoice and putting them in thier own department - Managers are now to figure thier gross profits from Net Cost now. It will look like they make more profit now ... but that money is still charged to us -?- what then?)

Still no money for the car. Just waiting on the mail to get me back the documents that Griffin signed.
Just frustrating.
On the same note - Jason (my Brother) and Mom went and got a copy of my Accident report, and Mom's.
There are no statments from myself or the other woman in my report - just what the Police believe happened (Which ends with and I quote exactly "[I] struck [her] at the front passanger sides" - what is a 'passanger' and how many sides do they have?).
For my Mother - her police report says that the driver claims she was walking against the signal, but there where no witnesses so it is her word against his - BUT the Officer agrees with HIM (wait, he wasn't there! I guess the word of a man that just run a woman over and sent her to the hospital is more believable then the yammerings of a woman that is bleeding from her head wound!).
I am highly agravated with the police in this city right now. In both of these cases - it's just BAD procedure and poor paper work with lazy opinions being placed in thier work.
I even ASKED if they where going to take statements - he said no, it was up to the insurance company to place blame (yet he placed the blame on me in the report and on the ticket - and that is what the insurance company used to determine fault).

KS has been ignoring me on line.
I am not surprised. Frankly, I expected it.
Anyone that had to get as Drunk as he did to just come over, and even more to talk or touch ... who asked me change what I wrote because he is ashamed of what he had done or felt (and in his deffense - his words where "what I'm asking you to remove is very important and private to me." Which to me translates fully into "I did something I don't want anyone else to know about." - Shame -).
I went into this situation knowing it was never going to be more then the one night ... I had only hoped that he wouldn't treat me like I didn't exist any more. I still consider him a freind. I don't blame him for what he did or is doing. I know that I am unloveable, and I am still very happy that he at least pretend to like me for the night.
On a similar note; I was thinking about all the DVD's that MFIJ still has and when I should call him or go over and get them. It kind of dawned on me - I mean less to him then a DVD at this point. After all, he's been 'seeing' the movies I leant him even longer then he 'saw' me; and he isn't tired of them, or willing to give them up yet ... not like me.

Ah, before this falls deeper into the Dark - I'll sign off.

BAM!!

And the timing seems to fall into place and things begin to work out. - Except, no real time to write about just yet.

====

Okay - now I have a bit of time.
I went running around with my Brother today. Even stopped at Best Buy where he let me pick out 5 DVD's for Christmas. As I was coming home from that, my Landlady (previously refered to as the Psycho Nazi) stopped me and pulled her usual tricks (oh, this isn't really my concern but My Boss is putting presure on me to get that eye sore of a wrecked car off our parking lot - do you have any idea when you will have it fixed or removed?) I told her I was looking for anyone that would haul it off for me. She asked if she could make some phone calls (damn, she must really want that 'eye sore' gone). I told her to knock herself out. I then went and made a phone call about Car Insurance, and called to make an appointment to visit an actual Agent. As I was leaving to walk up to the office of that agent I found some old guy looking over my car. I asked if he was interested in it - he told me (the land lady) had called and told him about it and came to look at it - he was interested (even thought my asking price was reasonable) and that he was going to talk to a couple of other people and then he would call me tomorrow and let me know what he was going to do. I then walked up to the Agents. I came back from the Agent with very reasonable quotes, and FINALLY got the call from the Bank that the paperwork had come in and he could cut the check for my car loan. I called the Car Salesman to let him know that check was Finally here, but he wasn't in the office at that moment. I left a message and then my Brother took me to the Bank to pick up that check. I figured if nothing else, I could get the check and get the car tomorrow. When I came back from the Bank, the Salesman had called and left a message. I called him back.
He was calling to let me know that he had used the car for an errand and noticed it was close to needing an oil Change, so he took it in to do that - if I wanted it today, I couldn't have it because it was backed up and wouldn't be back on his lot until tomorrow. I made the arrangement to come down with the check and do all the paperwork that we could do and that I would be happy to pick it up tomorrow (as I had pointed out to him, for all his patience with the bank - I could stand to wait a day from his end of things). As I was down there working on the paperwork, the car came back (early). He then said it was mine if I wanted it.
One snag. I don't have the insurance yet - just the knowledge of which company and policy type I was going to get. I couldn't get the insurance until I actually paid - which I can't to until tomorrow (when I get paid). So, we filled out everything but the policy number - which I will give to him tomorrow after I pay the insurance company.
On the plus side - I do have the removeable face of the stereo to my car - just not the car.

Tomorrow, I go to work. I get paid. I go to the Insurance company and start my insurance. I drop that policy number off to the salesman and drive home in my 'new' car. I can then call my old Insurance Agent and cancel my Renter's Insurance (since when I pay for my Insurance I will have renters insurance with them - it gave me a discount to do both. My Insurance rate with them is two dollars more a month - and that is with the accident on my record, and lower deductables - and my Renter's Insurance is nearly halved with more coverage). I will soon get a refund on my 'unused' Renter's Insurance. I might have money from my car which will no longer be my problem (and out of my Land Lady's hair).
I will figure out what to do about Rent soon after (it may just have to be late).
As I was telling my Brother - one thing at a time. Hell, my paycheck might be big enough to cover it all (*ROFLMAO*)

After all of that, Jason came over here and we watched Donnie Darko (he had never seen it). We dropped another season of Buffy off for Scott. Jason and I where going to stop at Cosmo's (the gay bar in town) and have a drink - but it was getting to the point of going in, guzzling the drink, and leaving before we would have to be back with the car to pick Mom up from work. So we rainchecked that and came home.
That is what gave me the time to write.

Greg came by for a minute. Brought a freind with him that I hadn't seen in a long time. They had an errand to run, so he was really coming by just to say Hi and get a raincheck on our usual night.

Okay - I'm going to check my blood sugar and go to bed - It's been all over the map today.

I now have a 'new' car.
A maroon (I am such a maroon) 2001 KIA Spectra.
One thing at a time. I got paid, then started my Insurance. I then stopped at Mom's for Lunch, and then went and picked up the car. It's all done.
Now, my next concern is that I used all my Rent money to do that. I have about a $100 left from my paycheck, but I will need some groceries. Anyway - I have a few days to figure all of that out.
I did also pick up my Meds. That was around $85 - which I can get back from TAP (later at some unknown date). But at least I am now covered for Insurance for 3 months. I have about 9 days to figure out Rent (but I may just pay it from my next paycheck with the late charges). I am also set for meds for the next month. I don't have to worry about the money for Tags and Taxes until the 30 day tag runs out.
Honestly - it wouldn't be the first time, I'll just be a month behind on all the rest of my bills to get all of this taken care of. Then I can focus on that in the three months I'm covered for everything ... and then get everything lined up into normalicy.

Jason helped me clean my old car out. Got rid of all the trash - moved the jumper cables and HIV ed books over to the other trunk. Took all of about 5 minutes.

I am kind of sad that my Brother will be leaving on Saturday Morning (really early in the morning). He and I are going to take my new car out to the bar tonight and deal with that 'Rain Check' we gave ourselves - this way we can also stay out at late as we want because I will be driving and Mom will have her car to get to and from work.

Anyway - my sick joke of the day (that most people didn't get);
"Be sure to enjoy tomorow for all it's worth. It might be the last day you can enjoy this year."

"I'm going to be sure to enjoy today for all it's worth. It might be the last day I can enjoy this year."
I still really liked this joke. But it went over like a lead balloon because of what people know about me.
"Oh my God, is everything okay? You aren't sick or anything are you?"
Along the same line, the best response I had was;
"Do you know something I don't?"

After I got everyone 'unworried' we frequently said just how over used "See you Next Year" had become.

Anyway, I am now going to spend some time on Nostalgia. I was talking to my Brother about this. My plan for this afternoon is to go over the last year (skim it really - not read every word) and find in each month a Highlight and a pitfall - a good thing and a bad thing and then link to it from here. Two links per month. I just figured it would be an interesting little experiment.
So, here it goes:

January:
            Highlight 0401.30 had to search hard
            Bad time 0401.10-11 It hurt again just finding it.

February:
            Highlight 0402.13
            Bad time 0402.all This month is traditionally bad for me.

March:
            Highlight 0403.23 Baby :)
            Bad time 0403.04 - Honestly couldn't find a really bad one, just settled on this.

April:
            Highlight 0404.18 followed close by the 15th
            Bad time 0404.27 Oh the letters

May:
            Highlight 0405.05 It was just funny
            Bad time 0405.27 Really bad day at work

June:
            Highlight 0406.04 Fun with Freinds
            Bad time 0406.06 Letter to Greg

July:
            Highlight 0407.02 Meeting up with MFIJ as he got out
            Bad time 0407.02 Feeling sick and going to work

August:
            Highlight 0408.11 Just one really good day with MFIJ - the month was full of moments like these
            Bad time 0408.25 Arguement - this month was riddled with tention between me and My Room Mate.

September: the Month of the Love Letters
            Highlight 0409.22 B.B. King in Concert
            Bad time 0409.29 Just the general feel of that month came through

October: I had a hard time finding any entry that was fully positive.
            Highlight 0410.05 The support of Friends in rough times.
            Bad time 0410.17 (Sorry and the actual 17th) and of course 0410.30 the car accident

November:
            Highlight 0411.25 Thanksgiving 'Prayer' says it all, and had a good day.
            Bad time 0411.11 More problems with the Room Mate (Diabetes made a run for it - but that really wasn't that bad).

December:
            Highlight 0412.13 My time talking at Seamen High School - Hands down (followed shortly by the look on Scott's face after his Christmas present and getting a car)
            Bad time 0412.17 Never cool to get your Mom from the Emergency Room

So what do you think? Good Year or Bad Year?

========20:44
Well, that was a little different.
A co-worker of mine invited me to his wedding tonight. I guess I just didn't know what to expect and was caught a little off gaurd by the fact that this was a regular service for the Lutheran's : "A time for Renewal of Covenants" - those Covenants being; Baptism, Confirmation, Marriage, and Holy Communion.
My friends weding took place in front of the congregation as a new marriage, and then the rest of the congregations couples had the oportunity to renew thier vows.

I didn't realize there would be 'audience' particapation in the form of a 'quiz' by the Pastor. I was really able to get past that - in fact I kind of liked the way he was seeking participation (I really like anything that requires participation in faith - not really sure if quizing the congregation on the scriptures is the way to do it - but to each there own).
What I ran into as a problem, was that most of what was being said (or at least the way I was interpreting it) is that Mankind is weak and undeserving - but forgiven by God anyway. As a result, the congregation seemed to treated as stupid sheep ... for those of us that where guests - it was nice to have everything including our appropriate responses writen down on paper for us, but it seemed a poor way to treat the regulars.
As a result - out of Respect for my Friend, and the Faith of everyone there - I participate as much as my conscious would let me. But in many places, I could not bring myself to read or sing statments that made people out to be so flawed and weak they MUST rely on God to Forgive them.
Fortunately - Marriage was the one Covenant that gave the most freedom to People to make a choice on there own and have it blessed by God.

I was ready to call it a night. (:3 was there with his girlfreind (actually Fiance) and as we talk in the lobby, I noticed a rack of pamphlets and fliers - "Talking to your Child about AIDS" caught my attention (obviously).
The headers and Section titles Impressed me.

History of AIDS
Work your way through
Learn the facts about AIDS
"Don't postpone talking to your children about AIDS ... You are the front line of defense." -Abigail Van Buren
Form a compassionate attitude toward persons with AIDS.
Tell you child the facts of AIDS
                  "By the time your child is in the intermediat grades, he or she should know about AIDS."
Share beliefs and values about responsible conduct.
Encourace your child to ask questions and discuss feelings.

Better then what I have seen in many other Churches. Quite impressed by it actually.
Now I'm going to have to set down and learn more about Lutherans.

I was struck by one other thing tonight. As people where getting up for Communion, (:3 and his fiance asked if I was going to go. I said no. (:3 asked me if I believed in God. I said Yes, I just view him a little different then they do.
I have often said that I would talk to anyone that invited me to talk to them about HIV/AIDS - churches or church groups have not ever asked me - but I would love to talk to them.
I would because I do have a Faith in God, and I don't care how it is expressed if it works for the person using it. I know I can draw a common thread from my faith to theirs and still get them the facts about HIV if they want them.

I talked to my Brother about this also. I don't think many people or groups know where to look to get these answers or what people are willing to talk to them and answer questions they may have. I don't feel comfortable trying to 'sell' myself that way, but maybe a postcard with contact information and a list of services to every School, Church and Community group would just make them aware of the possiblity to ask and learn.