We grow neither better nor worse ... but more like ourselves. May Lamberton Baker

~:Journal Gateway:~

Legal Stuff. These are my (Bret Turner's) personal journals. They portray MY feelings and opinions only (just one side of any situation). I try to shield others from being highlighted here and have tried to ask for permission to use names (and I warn anyone thinking about it - once you are in, you can't be removed).
These Journals where set up to show what day to day life is like with HIV - the issues that surround it and how it effects personal relationships. However, it is my life - and there is more to it then HIV. I share everything that I can.
If you are wondering who I am before finding out about my day to day life, check out my 'BIO'.

Anyone reading this journal to find out what I really feel, or WORSE to find out what someone that I know is doing - STOP.
I do not put anything in these journals that I am not willing to talk about in public. If you want to know what I feel - ASK ME. 
If you are using this journal to 'spy' on someone that I know - this is a poor way of doing it. Since I try not to put others in the spot light, all you are seeing at best is some shadow play of the other.
If you want to know what someone else is doing - ASK THEM. If you ask me, you are going to the get same things as I have written and maybe more because I know who you are and what you want the information for.
If you have any concerns please contact me. Thank you.

If you are interested in personal points of view about HIV other then my own, I have provided links to others sharing there experiences.
The Journal is more about the Feelings of HIV then the Facts. Please get the Facts on HIV/AIDS from other parts of my site.
Just looking to see if anything is new? You can skip down to the tables of contents from here by clicking on the right side. The Dark Past will go in a Page at a time. Recent Entries go in as often as I write. First time here? The left side will take you to an explanation of each section. Still wondering who I am - Check the Bio for an over view of me and my history.

Introduction Dark Past Journals Table of Contents

Introduction Recent *Journal* Entries Recent  Entries  New - Best of the journals

Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three.
Come with me, and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination. Take a look, and you’ll see into your imagination. We’ll begin, with a spin, traveling in the world of my creation. What we’ll see will defy explanation.
If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it. Want to change the world, there’s nothing to it.
There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there you’ll be free if you truly wish to be. -Willy Wonka-

DARK PAST

My dear friends, you are about to enter the nerve center to the entire Wonka factory. Inside this room all my dreams become realities, and some of my realities become dreams. -More Wonka-

I should note that these journals where not written with the intent of being public (like the Recent Journals that went directly on-line). In many cases names are used, and I have no way of asking for permission to use them. Only in cases when I feel it would be damaging to the other person to be mentioned here will I edit out the name. I will try to put these journals up as close to there actual content as possible.

If you hate spelling and grammar mistakes then skip this whole thing. I will not change these entries without an explanation  (It has been so long, sometimes I don't know what I meant when I wrote it). It is my desire to remain as true to way these journals where written - including art work and type of writing (which includes hand writing, emphasis, and spelling).  Some editorial notes though : *in blue with asterisks are comments I made as I put them in or anything else I think you might need to know* in red I'll make spelling correcstions, or letter additions, or add words I forgot. Original text will always be in yellow and dates are in red (even though they are original text).
*WARNINGS* Will come before any entry that talks about situations, or uses language I consider above a PG rating in a movie. If you are a Parent deciding if your children should be reading this material - take into consideration how old I was when I wrote it, and how old your child is.

These entries are written from High School to near the beginning of the Recent Journals (on-line). It started as an assignment in English class and I felt it was a great way to clear my head of emotions and organize my thoughts. However, since the majority of my thoughts dealt with my being gay, I developed a style of writing in symbols and allegory so my teacher (and family) would not know exactly what I was talking about. This became the lock on my private life. It was a way that I could share my feelings with others without leaving myself to vulnerable. The majority of these passages are written to convey emotional content not historical content (I do flip flop around quite a bit). I may give a historical reference to the passage if I feel it is important to it's understanding but for the most part I hope you can enjoy them for the emotions they portray (from teen Angst to seeming Adult indifference). There may be insights to my personality and my emotional growth and hopefully a few moments you can identify with.

No more Construction . I have all 10 notebooks entered in. Entries are dated in Stardates (YR. M . DAY) and should be in order, but there are large gaps. Continue to look here for updates though, I now have the scanner I needed before, and I will be going back through and scanning in the images that have been *noted and described* here previously.

RECENT PAST

We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dream. - Oh, you can’t get out backwards. You have to go forwards to go back. Better press on. -Still More Wonka-

Recent Past will be entries dealing with the creation of this web page and everything since then. These entries where created on-line with the intention of being on-line. In these entries I will try to be more straight forward in my writing and include some historical content. I will be more cautious about using names or talking about other peoples lives then I was in the Dark Past Journals (which were not intended to be on-line). I apologize in advance if I do - or if I say something here that hurts someone that I know, or if I should have said it first to the individual I may have mentioned.  My intention here is to show the life of someone dealing with HIV and how it does (or as the case may be doesn't) effect my life on a daily basis. I want to point out however that I still write to clear my head and think. These journals are for me - I just happen to let you read them. I hope that I show my life hasn't changed much (and with the Dark Past entries you will have a bit of a gauge) and that it isn't different from yours. We have all felt joy and sorrow, contentment and unease, loneliness and acceptance to one degree or another. I do believe that every life is unique but we all feel the same emotions and that is what makes us human. We may feel them for different reasons but we all feel them. When we can express our differences and still find similarities we are making for a better human race.

"At every moment of our lives we should be trying to find out, not what we differ with other people, but in what we agree with them." -John Ruskin

YEAR ONE ONLINE -

YEAR TWO ONLINE -

YEAR THREE ONLINE -

YEAR FOUR ONLINE -

YEAR FIVE ONLINE -

YEAR SIX ONLINE -

YEAR SEVEN ONLINE -

YEAR EIGHT ONLINE -

YEAR NINE ONLINE -

YEAR TEN ONLINE -

YEAR ELEVEN - UPDATES AND LOSE ENDS:

'BEST OF' the JOURNALS    

When I first started this out, I figured the information would be easy to get to. But in life, there are a lot of insignificant details. Much of the information is lost. In an effort to highlight some of the better parts of this journal, issues with HIV/AIDS, and other information that is 'trapped' in my journals - I am starting this section of quick links to entries that deal with certain topics.
If you have an entry that you would like to see highlighted, send it to me with the web address and topic.
I appreciate your help.

There is no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going. There’s no knowing which direction we are rowing, or which way the river’s flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a blowing? Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. Are the fires of hell glowing? Is the grizzly reaper mowing? Yes! The danger must keep on growing because the rowers keep on rowing and they certainly aren’t showing any signs that they are slowing! AAAHHH!
"This has gone on long enough!"
Quite right, Stop the boat!
-Last Wonka Quote-

Other Journals - if you like reading them so much check out these -  

This The Gay Diary Ring site owned by 'Misfit' - Bret McDougal Turner (DDK).
[ Previous 5 Sites | Previous | Next | Next 5 Sites | Random Site | List Sites ]