Somewhere between where we came from and where we are going ...

there is something more ...

To CELEBRATE

What follows is a collection of writings from people who have sent me some of there experiences in life in response to this invitation. I have left out Names and details that might identify the writer, both for there protection and to make each experience more universal for each following reader. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did, and send me more.

It's one thirty-nine in the morning, Tuesday March twenty-eight. In ten hours I am going to be in municipal court trying to explain to an ancient, creaking fossil of an ex-lawyer why I was driving on an expired license to Lawrence. I'm facing some jail time if I blow it. The fact is, I took a part of my life for granted, and now I have to pay for that hubris. What in the hell was I thinking? More importantly, how often do we, each of us do this? I think it happens all the time. We wander through life, assuming that we are the center of our little worlds; ignoring the rules of life; getting away with it sometimes, and sometimes getting busted. Because these little dares give us a little scare, a little zing, at the risk of carrying us over the abyss. But you know something? Life is richer, here at the edge.

Maybe that's why so many artist have lived here, why they still thrive here.

I screwed up and I'm scared; and yet in that fear lies an exhilaration and power that sings to me of life yet unlived. In my fear lies my redemption. Life is a precious, fleeting gift, a celebration of being alive, singly or together, should require no request nor need any acceptance. How sad for us all that it does. Thank you my beautiful, eternally young friend, for reminding me.

I can't tell you how upset I was to get your letter. All this time I thought life was all about working hard, barely scraping by, worrying over your kids, getting old and uncomfortable, then dying and turning to dust! However, thanks to you I think I have a couple of things to add to your list.

A)-My Husband_ and I went to six Flags (without our kids) and ate cotton candy and pink things and rode the Runaway Mine Train without shame (3 times in a row)

B)...We live in the country now and I enjoy more sunsets while the kids play and sometimes I actually sit and watch the frogs in the pond come up for air and just float.

I worked in the rock garden until my body ached and saw the beauty there in the results. I watched the Cardinal and the Bluejay from my window, swooping and turning in the wind. I play with -my grandchildren's- toys all the time, so I appreciate what you say there.

You're right that we often take for granted the pleasures that life gives us everyday. We get caught up in the hurry, hurry and "let's get something accomplished" mind set of our modern age and forget the real meaning is to love and appreciate each other, and each blessing that comes our way.

...These next two are paraphrased from conversations I saved...

Woman-"We had sex the other night and we were both happy to be alive"

Man wiggles his eyebrows-"Cadbury eggs were involved."

.....

My mother used to get so depressed all the time and complain. I could never seen to get her to understand that someone always has it worse and that she should just be happy to be alive. Then you sprang this on me and I was so upset and depressed. Then it Pissed me off because I realized I had forgotten what I used to tell my mother.

Warm summer air and cool gentle rain. Our clothes are heavy with water and our laughter fills the air. We run barefoot through green grass and over small colored pebbles. Asphalt streets are actually clean and we kick and splash at every puddle. The rain begins to come down harder, pelting us until we see respite in the College halls. We giggle like school children as our barefeet leave little puddles on the clean title floors.

the air conditioning begins to chill us. We watch the rain against the windows waiting for a break so we can run out again into the rain. As we talk my hair begins to stand on end and my skin tightens and I begin to shiver. We laugh and decide to make a break for it anyway. His strong hand holds mine and we push the doors open and run once again laughing, giggling and screaming into the warm summer rain.

Back in the apartment we begin to shiver again, but thick, soft towels begin our rescue. We actually take our shirts off and wring them out over the sink. We're still laughing as my skin tightens and I begin to shake again, but not because of the cold. I caught his light blue eyes staring at me. I wondered if he felt mine caressing him. "Are you still cold?" he asked as his hands reached out and touched me. I break out in goosebumps and my stomach flutters. "No." I utter as my eyes catch his and I think I'm going to puke. Then he comes closer and I can fell his body heat. He kisses me and I feel relaxed, warm and safe.

Tears well up in her eyes. They seem magnified by her glasses. The room suddenly seemed more antiseptic as she shuffled some papers. Her voice cracked and she choked trying to say the words. My heart went out to her. She wasn't cut out for this job and she was trying so hard. I reached out and she fell into my arms. "It's okay." I said. She let out one sob and then a sniffle as she pulled away and began to compose herself. She looked at my face and actually began to smile, but there was a look of astonishment in her eyes. "You seem to be taking this better then I am. I'm the one telling you that you're HIV+"

There is still snow on the ground but the air is nearly warm. Water falls from the roofs as the snow melts. It reminds me of rain and I smile from long ago memories. I duck my head to avoid the cold water as I go under the eve, the close my eyes and open them slowly so they can adjust to the sunlight. I pull my coat tighter and sip it up a bit more. Shopping carts clank together as I gather them, I lean in and begin to push them up hill. My pace quickens and the wheels rattle as my breath warms the air in ever increasing interval. As the carts crash into where they belong, I lean back against the wall panting and ask myself "Will this ever get easier?" As I watch the water fall from the roof I remember a small woman's tears and the security of his arms. Then I go to collect more carts thinking "Such diverse memories...sparked form the sound of falling water." and I smile doing a job I dislike in weather I hate.

above entries from 1995 invitation printed here 1996 October ©

received October 1996

You know I can say, gee Bret is HIV+ and then just turn it off. But there has always been that fine line to cross (you're very bold lately) about letting people know (damn I'm rambling) because its YOU. It hits home hard. I don't have a potentially lethal illness (other than obesity) and its good for me to step back and see others dealing with crap. (OK I've rambled enough there - the point) *My wife* has been working about 85 hours a week. We just moved. I've unpacked all of 10 boxes. I'm getting 5 hours of sleep a night (the past two weeks). I'm burned out. I have contemplated screaming at people over the bs going on. But last night I stood in the hall of the master control room of *My wife's* channel (which is no longer hers - *urge to kill*) and watched 16 people (crowded into a room the size of your living room) launch the new diginet channels. I watched. Suddenly it struck me that no matter what these idiots did, the leaves were going to continue to fall off the trees, the snow would come and someday these people would die.

(preface: Its October - Samhain (Halloween) is New Year's Day - October IS the month of Death/Change/Rebirth)

I was realizing I'd been frittering away all of fall. I didn't go up to the mountains to watch the aspens turn and I certainly didn't drive down the old river road between Topeka and Lawrence to check out the foliage there. I am missing it.

So you say, he's rambling, depressed, and slightly silly (always has been). I decided to do something about it I guess. I fixed up the homepages tweaked the links and submitted them to Lycos, Yahoo and Magellan. That was a big step. These webpages could be a nightmare or blessing (well see). I'll probably be upgrading my account to fix the alias problems and from there? Who knows. I'll let the experience carry me.

recieved December 1996

Well, we've been without power for around 5 hours now which wasn't so bad because we were able to sleep through most of it. Though, I must admit, that when the power went out I was up for about two hours with my blinds wide open, just watching the snow fall. It was gorgeous, such big flakes, lots and lots, several plowman's trips full and then some. But what was really fascinating was the quality of the light. The piling snow is naturally reflective and bright, of course, but above the clouds was a fantastic lightning show which gave a strobe effect from time to time. Couldn't hear any thunder as the weatherfolk predicted but the lightning flashes lighting up the falling snow like someone taking snapshots was both eerie and beautiful. I'd never seen that before so I thought it quite the show.

This is our third snowfall worth mentioning (besides flurries). The first was a "dusting" which still required time to clean off the car in the morning and a bit of caution driving, especially with all the nuts on the roads who considered it "nothing", which explains all the fender-benders. The second snowfall was yesterday morning, a couple of inches, which was quite lovely and enough to make the drivers more serious, i.e., slow down. Then it stopped for a few hours until the next storm rushed eastward and up along the coast. Funnily enough, the coastal regions, including Boston to the south, only experienced this as lots of rain which washed away yesterday's second snow of the season. Those of us a certain distance inland got clobbered, the farther inland the worse. But I prefer snow to rain anyday -- it's "drier", cleaner, and breathably less humid which means less uncomfortable both sinus-wise and bone-aching-wise.

Now, when you'll get this is anyone's guess, because the phone lines to my internet provider in Londonderry (eastward one town) went down a good 3 hours before the power went out and NYNEX (Ma Bell around here) is still just replacing Londonderry's "string and cans" system. <sigh>

P.S. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 07:53:01 -0500 (EST)
To: netis-users
Subject: Power & Service Outage
We were without power or telephone service for more than 24 hours during and after the storm, and our T1 line to the Internet is still down. Please don't write me asking when the T1 will be back up. I have no idea. Whenever I get any new information, I'll pass it on.
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P.P.S. We lucked out, I guess, lots of folks up here are still without electricity, telephone, water, and heat -- the disaster shelters are filling and the supermarkets, having run out of bottled water, are now filling folks' bottles free from the supermarkets' taps. The two power companies in this part of the state have announced that customers should expect the worst re: power restoration, 24-72+ hours.

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Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 16:37:34 -0500 (EST)
To: netis-users
Subject: T1 Update
I just got off the phone with our network service provider. They remain without power and have no estimate as to when power will be restored. Hence I can provide no estimates as to when our Internet connection will be restored.
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Recieved January 1997

I guess I would like to say that life is just too short for us to waste time on negative energy. It takes more energy to be negative than to be positive.Why not enjoy the things you can, like your children enjoying their first Candyland or Old Maid versus the Power Ranger movie. I never would have imagined my friend being diagnosed with HIV. My children only know him as UNCLE BRET.Gosh what we can teach them and to help all of us find a cure so my children can not only help but lead the way into the future!

The following is edited together from four letters written in Febuary and recieved in March 1997. These are from a man starting a trip with his sister. Enjoy the trip.

Guadeloupe Mountains, one of two National Parks in TX, is small but very pretty, and we took the time for a couple of quick hikes. They have mostly preserved the area as an historical site where a couple of daring and honorable white men beat the shit out of some Apaches a hundred years ago. We stopped reading, disheartened, after the first couple of signs...
~~~
Phew! Make a note, Miss Teschmacher: When the RV park host says that the tent sites are near the bathroom, the convenience factor is well outweighed by the odor. All right, well after one stinky night, we set off for Tucson. Since our arrival we have dined and played around with my sister's friend-from-school and her compadre. After a big Mexican meal, we went for a spin on a stretch of road shaped suspiciously like a roller coaster, so that when you take it at about 50 mph, your spleen makes like it wants to go AWOL through your esophagus. A fun little romp before we turned in, which is exactly where I'm headed now. We'll probably stay in Tucson another day or two before moving on to Joshua Tree Natl. Monument.
~~~
Joshua Tree, where the streets have no name, but that's OK, cos neither do Bono or the Edge. This place has a weird alien quality, like you can see Kirk beaming down onto that rocky ledge over there, just on the other side of the mountain from the nasty lizard man who isn't really warlike and hungry, just misunderstood. The sunset tonight alone could inspire a boxed set, much less an album title, and I can see where the boys in the band were coming from (although I still don't get why they can't look at the camera in any of their photographs).
We entered the park at dusk, peering dejectedly through the smog that blurred and obscured the horizon as soon as we crossed into Cali. Such a panacea to wake to a cloudless blue sky, and a shock to cross over the hill from the campsite onto a plain saturated with the most bizarre, tall, twisted, and multi-limbed yucca trees bordered by huge rounded boulders that have split and worn away so they looked like someone stacked them up into precariously tall towers.
The Joshua Tree was so-named by Mormons who thought the branches looked like the prophet praying. Now, some of them do sorta, 'cept it would be a prophet with a thousand pointy fingers that can pierce right through your hand if you're an idiot doing a dance and trip and fall onto them. (It happened to somebody recently; no joke)
So we've been here for two days, just relaxing before my sister splits for San Francisco, which she'll do tomorrow at sunrise. We've had a great little time together that we have not heretofore had an opportunity for, just the two of us. It has been extremely rewarding to share our respective viewpoints that, while similar in many ways, have diverged significantly, especially since we separated geographically for purposes of wider (I can't say "higher" without laughing) education. I look forward to visiting her once she's got herself settled in, and I can afford the temptations of the West Coast. Sometime in 2013, I hope.
~~~
While I venture around the National Park system (it's my goal to hit all of them eventually), as much as the geological spectrum of the North America just stuns me, I think the thing that I am most impressed by is the friendly spirit of the all the park visitors. I mean, you find that it applies generally at campsites all over, but somehow in the parks, the singular geniality of each and every soul who passes the gates is so heartening. Folks just seem so able to leave all the baggage of their daily lives behind, so they've got big ol' smiles on when they climb out of their tents in the morning. Everyone - young, old, or otherwise - meets eyes and greets each other on the trails, shares their experiences, makes recommendations, even offers hospitality like in a real community.
My question then is, where are all these people in real life? Why does weekly routine have to strip that amicability right down to the bone? (All right, that's two questions, but I already hit save, so we can't "Undo Typing" now, can we? (3 questions)) Maybe it's that we're more vulnerable out here, with our flimsy shelters left up and stealable all day and flimsier bodies crawling around among the rocks and snakes, so we need to trust and rely on each other more. I won't mess with your shit if you don't mess with mine.
Oh, praise Allah, the high-school-weekend-joyride kids have put the bongos away, which would be my cue to attempt to sleep...
~~~
My sister stole off in the middle of the night, leaving me to ponder on solitude and the happy hooting of coyotes, strangely reminiscent of a Shriner convention. While I certainly miss her companionship, I gotta say that it's really exhilarating to have achieved the out-in-the-stix-answering-only-to-myself kind of stich. If my brain appeared completely empty before, well... I just roamed around today, going up to Ryan Mountain and Keys View, two of the highest points in the park. From Keys you can see clear to Signal Peak in Mexico. That's on a good day, of course; there is signage everywhere talking about the deteriorating air quality.
Look: I know it sucks, and maybe Edward Abbey's right and we should all be biking into the National Parks. But every additional body on this planet is set up to generate, directly or indirectly, like seven tons of waste a year. All the useless packaging, dry cleaning tickets, extra little flyers that come with your credit card bill, it's all pretty useless. Nobody really even makes any money off that stuff, do they? If we took a poll, would consumers vote to be continuously bombarded by offers for an LCD Desk Clock shaped like a golf ball that plays the CNN theme every hour on the hour for $7.99 while supplies last? But we don't want the consumer's opinion, we just want a reason to keep our job - something to keep us looking busy when the boss comes around, so we invent. And design. And flood the rivers of commerce with this detritus. And you know what? There ain't no reason we shouldn't, 'cos if this stuff is eliminated, and all of middle management, and the envelope stuffers, none of us will have jobs (except Internet Service Providers) and we'll have to come up with socialized entertainment for the couch potato, which is only gonna be the revival of the 3-hour Bob Hope special (the joke vault stands ready). So keep pluggin' away, because even if the air is getting a little hazy, at least we're not French Canadians.-Thanks, the Mgmt.
~~~
Tonight, I joined my first guitars-around-the-campfire of this year, with some rad folks mostly from LA. Three of them have a rock-and-roll ensemble together, so they could get a swingin' groove fired up. It proved a lovely way to launch the solo leg of this venture, and I as I am currently swimming in the afterglow of beer, bourbon, and bop (which might account for that last paragraph) I will bid y'all "G'night."
~~~.
Well now, kiddos! 'Member what I said in my last missive about vulnerabilitude and flimsicality? 'Sho nuff, I had to go open my big mouth (those of us Red Sea Pedestrians call it [phonetically] a Ka-nai-nah Hu-rah), 'cos two days later, I went and broke my leg scramblin' around on those same afo’ mentioned inviting and precarious rocks at Joshua Tree. Nothing major: only a compound fracture, where both bones of the leg were shattered just above the ankle, and sticking out of my sock, so I now have metal plates bolted to each bone and will be in a cast for 3 to 4 months. Fer freaks sake, I can't even leave me alone for a week without some kind of crisis. Thing was, I just got inspired. I'll show y'all some pictures of this canyon. I think (My friend) will understand. I was thinking of his climbing ventures at Big Bend the whole time going up - it was coming down that fucked me up. (BTW, I finally got that roll developed ('sbeen a year now almost, right?) and I really will send the copies along soon.)
Anyways, the fun part was getting *helicoptered* out of Rattlesnake Canyon (I made the headlines) over to Palm Springs Desert Hospital, where they fixed up and took real good care of your klutzy correspondent, who is currently convalescing under the kind concern of the very folks who hailed my hollering for help. I was screaming like hell on and off for about twenty minutes (between mutterings with the cellular operator, who wasn't sure what the number for 911 was (for some reason when I dialed it, it rang in New Jersey)) until (a Samaritan) called back up to me. Apparently other hikers heard me, but they thought someone was playing a joke or something. I bet Sophie's Choice had those people rolling in the aisles.
It made me feel somewhat better to find out that this sort of thing happens at the Park at least twice every weekend, usually with more severe results. I don't usually like being a statistic, but in this case, after the fact, at least... I don't figure all those other guys fall on their ass the day before their birthday, though. So all my family were calling Mom to find out where to reach me for my 26th, and little did I wish it was going to be so easy.
So now, Dad, bless him, is flying down tomorrow to drive me and my car back to his lake house, where I'll continue recovery until, I guess, I can drive. All I can say is, thank Zarkwon I didn't crack my head open, the Park Service and EMS for getting to me so quickly, (the Samaritans) for climbing up to find me, and thank Mom for the cellular phone, which I had with me only by chance. And credits to (a Friend nicknamed Red) for catching the clairvoyant "...launch the solo leg of this venture..." line in the last installment. Very cute, Red. I'm crackin' up. Well, it's better than "Hop-a-long chasitity."
~~~
…as soon as I'm healed, I figure on going back out on the road, probably up to Kansas this time, then who knows? Nowhere dangerous, that's all I can tell you. (Yeah-right.)
~~~
Regarding those little experiences: the last time I can remember feeling that sense of really trying something wacky for the first time, was when I decided that, despite my normal trepidation about even slightly treacherous activities and my dislike of unnecessary physical exertion, I would give those enticingly climbable boulders at Rattlesnake Canyon in Joshua Tree a run for their money. I thought of my Friend and ex-girlfriend Red, both of whom have this obsession with learning to rock climb (but haven't yet pursued it seriously) and who always head for the nearest little outcropping like rabid mountain goats. So I looked at this "Wonderland of Rocks" (that's the name, prosaic as it may be) and thought, "This one's for (My Friend) and(Red)." I quickly understood the appeal of scrambling up, looking for the next somewhat-obscured avenue to the level above, shoving myself around and getting sweaty. Each new safe plateau its own little reward, meriting a deep breath and fresh look around. And then I broke my leg, and got helicoptered away to Palm Springs. I can't say I will let that deter me from say, learning to ski or ride a motorcycle, but I shan't be without a cellular phone when I'm alone in the wilderness.
The above may not be worth adding to your list of responses, but I thought I'd include it in the spirit of things. I think the bit before that was trying asparagus and liking it, which may be more heartening to your readers.

Life goes on here as usual. I actually went to see a band on 6th street...the first one since Apaches of Paris since we've lived here!....with a new good friend . We had a GREAT time! The band was Morphine and they are comprised of one bass guitarist/lead singer, one drummer, and one baritone sax player. WOW! What a sound! Afterwards we walked around Congress trying to find a coffee shop still open...nothing was...but the night was so cool and refreshing...everything smelled clean and the stars were pretty.. downtown was VERY quiet unlike 6th street. We didn't really mind that we couldn't find coffee. Anyway, I just thought I'd share! You're so GREAT just being you and being such a good example to the rest of us to find joy in this crazy world and to recognize the beauty in little things.

Recevied April 1997

I'm back. All in one piece too! The Hot Shot at the Satellite (in Las Vegas) was great, but not something that I would want to try again. What a rush!! 4 Big g's up and then look around. Right, Left, up, Down OOPS I CAN'T SEE ANY STRUCTURE!! I've got me ass hanging out in space over 1,000 feet in the air! And I am free falling! They put a harness on me but it seems to be gone. The safety belt that holds it down, was loose and I must have lost it! OH SHIT!! I'm out here all alone! I'm too young to die! And I did this all for (my son)! What a kid! Didn't warn me enough about this. OH SHIT! here we go up again! Not as bad as the first time. If I hold on to the harness real hard it feels like a noodle with no structure to it. Well, That wasn't too bad. Not as far up this time. OH NO! Now we are coming down again. Hay! That wasn't too bad! Then back up for the third time. Hay this is a piece of cake. I didn't fall out the first two times so this time is O K! Back down again and slowly to a descent and stop. WOW! What a RUSHHHHH! I must be getting old. Too old for this sort of thing. Stop by sometime and I will give you a t-shirt and a terrified picture.

Received April 22 1997

mADE up this list sending it to a friend of mine who is too hot and doesn't like to use A/C that much...so - some suggestions. :)
In the meantime, some things to do to beat the heat: imagine Iceland in winter, brew suntea - lots of it, pretend you're an Eskimo, pretend you're eating an Eskimo pie; heck, pretend you ARE an Eskimo pie; buy a sno-cone and let it melt on top of your head (pretending you are a cold unicorn); think of skiing downhill and wiping out a snowman; think about that meat locker you've always been tempted to visit; go to the mall with a supersoaker and engage in a running battle with mallrats; don't just buy a bag of ice outside the convenience store, next time, just get in the ice cooler and relax for an hour or two; write the Barq's root beer company and thank them for the wonderful job they have done in keeping the world pleasantly refreshed (whoops, that's something _I_ have to do :) ) ; think about all those nice cute cuddly computer generated Coke polar bears and how chummy and cool they look at the north pole. Think about Don and Herb (the penguins on Beakman's World) and how they are always in the middle of an Antarctic Blizzard, and of course, last but not least (all together now) ROOT BEER FLOATS! :)

Revieved June 24 1997

*I actually debated about putting this one up here. The more I thought about it though the more I realized it did fit and there was nothing wrong with it. The person wrote me that they where too visual a person to come up with the words so they found a photo that expressed what they felt it was like to be alive and enjoying it. Here it is - *

Recieved June 1997 

Please address your life experiences "Experiences" or "X" so I can find them easier. Thank you.

My e-mail address is misfit@misfitslife.com

©1996 October - updated until June 1997