HALLOWEEN 2005 "SCARECROW"
©Halloween October31 2005 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

The Before Pictures

I just want it said, it was laundry day and I didn't have another shirt

What a Profile! :) I'm trying not to laugh here.

I'm laughing now - you can see my statue of GABERIAL in the back and I like the shirt now

I kept running out of thread, then time.
I was going to make the gloves, but I have never been able to make gloves right - and I found that if you turn the 99 gloves inside out, they look just like I wanted them.
The biggest disappointment for me was the last minute run to Hyper-mart for PANTS. I've gotten so fat that I don't fit in any of my old jeans. I had to go and buy something that fit. It was to early for any of the second hand stores to be open - so there it was. I had to jump from the 33 to a 36 (and I still remember and want the days back that I fit in 30 to 31).
That and the last minute sewing was what took up my time until about 10:30. Then I sat down at the computer to print out my 'stuffing' while my Mother washed my pants for me. She is also trying to bleach them so they look a little used.

0510.31 - HALLOWEEN

The Facts http://www.matthewsplace.com/ http://www.matthewshepard.org/ - especially the "Erase Hate Today" section http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_Shepard click on any of the pictures for a larger image.

Contribute to my Web Site

A shepherd is one who takes care of sheep, usually in flocks in the fields. Shepherding is one of the oldest professions, beginning some 10,000 years ago in Asia Minor. Sheep were kept for their milk, meat, and especially their wool . Over the next millennia sheep and shepherding spread throughout Eurasia. Some sheep were integrated in the family farm along with other animals such as pigs and chickens. To maintain a large herd, however, the sheep must be able to move from pasture to pasture, this required the development of a profession separate from that of the farmer. The duty of shepherds was to keep their flock intact and protect it from predators, such as wolves. The shepherd was also to supervise the migration of the flock and ensured they made it to market areas in time for shearing. In ancient times shepherds also often milked their sheep, and made cheese from this milk. In many societies shepherds were an important part of the economy. Unlike farmers, shepherds were often wage earners, being paid to watch the sheep of others. Shepherds also lived apart from society, being largely nomadic. It was mainly a job of solitary males without children, and new shepherds thus needed to be recruited externally. Shepherds were most often the younger sons of farming peasants who did not inherit any land. In modern times shepherding has changed dramatically. The abolition of common lands in Europe in the eighteenth and nineteenth century moved shepherding from independent nomads to employees of massive estates. European expansion spread sheep around the world, and shepherding became especially important in Australia and New Zealand. While originally shepherding in those countries was done on the wide and open frontiers, in modern times it has become dominated by agribusiness. Shepherd is commonly used now for any one that tends a flock or group of animals. Metaphorically , the term is used for God , especially in the Judeo-Christian tradition (e.g. Psalm 23), and in Christianity especially Christ. The same metaphor is also applied to priests, with Christian bishops having the shepherd's crook among their insignia (see also Lycidas). In both cases, the implication is that the faithful are the "flock" who has to be lead, tended and protected. A Scarecrow might then be considered a Shepherd for Crows, with a responsibility to a field of crops that are important.
SCARECROW by Bret Turner (DDK) MiSfI+ Constructed from useless Inventory United from disregarded History In the name of great Civilization Take humanity by Accusation Wondering what examples I Provide Random thoughts of life and death I Decide I am needed though Derogatory Stuffed with the husks of my former Glory To be hollowed out by Condemnation And heartless hands of Sterilization Sprayed with a medical Pesticide And accused of an unknown Suicide To frighten off a fleeting black Quarry Crucified in portion for my Story Standing all alone in Isolation My arms outstretched in Resignation From the towering rood-tree I Preside Suffering with self-assurance and Pride To all societies fears I will yield Should it be me or you that will be healed I will continue to protect this field.		RAG DOLL by Bret Turner (DDK) MiSfI+ Please, play with me. I am soft and need to be held. My smile never fades, I love without exception. Please, hold me closely. I can be anything you need. I'll do anything you want I am totally malleable. Please, need me more. I have only the feeling you give me. My body has no bones I can't resist and am resilient. Abuse me if you must. Please, take care of me. I am so fragile and delicate Held together by a thread and filled with unused pieces. Please, shelter me now. I absorb things like a sponge My body hold dirt and grime You should wash me. Please, respect me always. I am a reflection of all Your playful, Loving and callous deeds. If you dare to show me off. Please, don't leave me. I can't do anything without you but fall apart at the seams. I don't want to unravel into nothing Please, I am just a rag doll. A tatterdemalion of scraps a plaything of your desires. All I want is acceptance. And I can't bring myself to ask though this smiling mask.

I have broken just about every Halloween rule this year.
What's more - I think I broke me. I am seriously going to pay for this in the morning.
I only had to use the line in the hat 3 times. I was expecting more. I was happy there wasn't.
Worse though ... I had to explain to just about 80% of people who Mathew Shepard was.
"Oh, yeah ... I think I remember hearing something about that now."

It isn't actually midnight yet. I will try to get to more of this later tomorrow. Right now I think I will take aspirin and crawl in a hot tub.

Okay - Lots of ground to cover and I am having trouble getting the pictures to convert to jpg or gif formats like they are supposed to.

I have blisters on both feet. I think I have sprained my knee (the right one). My 'taint' is rubbed raw and hurts like hell.
I figured I would have been a lot more sore then I am now - but I guess that part of me healed up.

Why so hurt?

I did an incredible amount of walking yesterday. There were a multitude of reasons for that.
1) I didn't have a car. Now that one could have been gotten around quite easily - but
2) No contacts, no glasses - not blind, but definitely unable to drive.
3) All that reading up there should imply to everyone that a 'Scarecrow' can't and doesn't move of his own accord ... until the circumstances become extraordinary. This would mean that a scarecrow would walk, or be a passenger. ... and i was a passenger once - at 10:30 as my last hope for a ride slipped between my fingers and I called Ray (woke him) and asked for a ride home (I would have begged, but he said yes when I asked).

How much walking?

I couldn't give you an accurate mile amount - especially for the off road walking I did.
In general here was may route for the day and the people that I did (or didn't) see and everything that happened along the way.

Costume on at about 10 am.
I saw Ray - I walked over to my Mom's (across the parking lot) then came back and Ray took the pictures of me.
Then I began the walking.
I stopped at (technically my Step-Sister's families house) and 'Trick or Treat' her husband since no one else was home.
I stopped at my Dad's house - no one was home. I had every intention of going back, but never made it.
I stopped at work. Three people there told me they recognized me by my walk. I also put in for a renew on a prescription at the pharmacy. I tried to show my trainee - but the office was open but she was not there. One of the office girls was complaining about how she was having to do my job (~please~ all she was doing was making the copies). Produce took my picture. - Darn it all, I didn't see my Manager -
This was also the first time I ran into those that didn't even know who Mathew Shepard was. At first I tried to pass it off on their age, but they would have been 16 or 17 at the time - and I remember this being a big deal in the schools, generating a lot of pro and con debate amongst a lot of kids just now exploring sexuality and realizing that it possible to run into enough hate that you could die for expressing a desire to find out - even it if turned out it wasn't really you.
The best I heard at that time, and for the rest of the day really - "Oh, I think I remember hearing about that guy." ... well, at least he remembered hearing about him ... most of the others I talked to - this was their first time hearing about it (that they remembered ... I seriously wonder if people just forget things that are too 'ugly' for them to think about (both because it means something or because it doesn't. I can think of reasons for Pro and Con - Hate advocates to forget. ... Even more sad to me - It's people like Phelps that played a big role in his 'scandal' and proudly remembers and still talks about how that is 'one more soul damned to hell' that they don't have to worry about.)

It was time to eat now.
I ran into my first 'problem' with the mask. This was something I had taken into consideration, but a lot of my original plans for that mask didn't work out. The Fist one being that I wasn't going to sew it together, I was going to latex it to my face so that it would move with me, and give me expressions.
Not having expressions worked out a lot better - and made not talking harder but more interesting.
Bottom line - I have a gap for a mouth ... it's just small, and it doesn't open with my mouth. I needed neat and clean, small bite sized pieces.
McDonalds up the street. Chicken Nuggets and fries - a straw with my drink.

Are Scarecrow's ignored - DIFFINATELY.
Example one. Even going out of our way to communicate plainly, they still blame us for the misunderstanding.
I WROTE DOWN my order (I brought pens and paper because I knew I wasn't going to be talking).
#11 value sized with Diet Coke.
She rang it up. I could have sworn she said $11.28 - which I thought was steep, but I was hungry so I pulled out the money (and by the way - I remind you - no glasses ... I couldn't read the register.). She gave me back the $10 asking me what it was for. I squint at the register and it said $1.28. For a moment I thought she discount the meal because of the costume. I got my cup, filled it, came back to the counter and wait. She asked me what I was waiting on. I put my hand to my mouth like 'food', and then she asked me what I wanted. I pulled the paper back out and showed it to her again.
"Oh - a Number 11. I just though you wanted a medium diet."
Then I pointed to the 'Value Size' part again.
"Oh - and you want it in the large?" I nod. "So that is what that $10 was for!" She rang it up and I pulled out that $10 again. The manager said she would 'coupon out the drink' that I had already paid for - but it wasn't on the receipt. I didn't care. I had my food. The Clerk was dressed as a samurai - I wanted to use the sword to hari cari her.

From McDonalds to Marc's brothers - then Marc's (they live with in a couple block of each other - I always seem to hit his brothers first and then remember that Marc's is about two blocks back the other way). That means:
down 21st to Gage - Gage to Huntoon ~ over to 12th sometime = Brother's house (no one home) back to blocks and over 1 block to Marc's (his wife was home - not him) then over to 10th Street and continuing West.
MFIJ called my cell. This was the first instance that I realized it was going to do me no good to have the cell if 'Scarecrow' can't talk. I made a rule just then - and answered it.
He was at Velajo (a mental health agency that works with him on medications and counseling in conjunction with his Social Services people) and wanted to know if I would have dinner with him. I said I would love to. I remind him that I didn't have a car - in fact I was on foot heading his way after a few other stops. He said he would get on the bus and meet me there. I let him know where else I was heading and that I should be there about 4:30, no later then 5:15. It was just after 3 then.

Across the parking lots and over to not quite 6th street so that I could visit the Doctor's office.
When I got in there, I also realized this was a place of business and they had a lot to do - they didn't have time for charades. I broke the rule and spoke to help speed things along for everyone involved. Dr.'X' came out and tried to figure out who I was. He determined that it's always the eyes that will give away a costume (I have to mention, he is nearly always wrong using this approach - most likely because he rarely looks anyone in the eyes). As he stared in my eyes and tried to figure it out, I squint back at him more and more the longer it took and the nurses where laughing their heads off. It was when I laughed that he figured it out.
Okay - here's another little example of how Scarecrows are ignored.
When Dr.'X' came over last week, he mentioned that a friend of his was having a Halloween party on Saturday and he would like me to go because he knew I would always have the best costume. I told him Saturday night wasn't Halloween, but I could come up with a good costume for the party and I would love to go. He said he would get me the address and the times.
I knew he wouldn't - and I was right. Honestly, the clencher was when I told him it wouldn't be my 'Halloween' costume. I think he just wanted blind bragging rights to the 'best costume' at the party. He never did send or call with the address or times. At the Doctor's office he did ask why I wasn't at the party. This time Scarecrow didn't talk.

From Dr's office to Greg's. No one home. From Greg's to the State Office building to see Barb, Shane, Rodger, and a few other camies / friends (four not listed). On the walk there (passing Topeka High School and a lot of down town) I met with a lot more honking cars that I wave to and people that yelled out 'Happy Halloween' or 'Cool Costume' or 'Burn in Hell Freak' (no - seriously - I waved anyway with the hand that said 'Thank You") and the regrettable "Where's Dorothy!?". I did get that from two people on foot as well, so I did get to use the prepared hat comment. One person laughed and gave me a "Rock on!" ... the other person was just to dumb to get it I think and became upset. "Fine - give me a fuckin' cigarette then." I put my hat back on, pointed to my brain and shook my head no, and shrugged. Then I began to continue walking on and he yelled some other profanity at me.

I really wanted to make sure that I got to the State building before everyone left. It was 4:40 then - they would have been gone by 5pm. Caught up on a few things and there is a special event this Friday for Barb's Birthday that she has verbally invited me to and said she would get me an actual invitation (she plans to have them all made by Wednesday so people can have a little time to RSVP and she knows how much food and snacks to make).
I don't know how, but Barb just knew it was me. Big hugs.
"You're a Scarecrow." She said and I nod."Not the Wizard of Oz Scarecrow though, right?" I gave her a thumbs up, then pointed to my name tag. "Oh, you got caught by Reavers then!" ... (advantage - mask has no expressions) ... Wrong Shepard - she was thinking of Shepherd Book from Firefly. I shook my head, and pointed to the 'M'. She thought a minute and then said,
"Oh ... not Mathew." I nod."Can I call you Book anyway?" I shrugged.
Lets take a very Buddhist moment here and say - My identity isn't really an issue, just the interaction with everyone else - whose identity is also not an issue.
This comment alone is probably the most interesting thing to explore on Halloween.

Oh - Rodger wasn't there. He had a headache and left early.

Next was the Bank. I wanted to share with all the friends I have there. One of my Favorites was not there, but three of the others where. I walked in and waved, then took out my wallet so they would have a name and picture reference. The one that was just coming out of the closet wasn't sure, his friend guessed it right way. They all said it was a great costume, and then someone that I haven't seen before but obviously a 'Boss' hollered from across the room behind his desk and asked me to remove the mask. I shook my head no (and I knew what he was about to say and turned to wave good bye to the people I had actually come to see. As he explained that masks where not allowed in the Bank for security reasons ... blah, blah, blah - I was already leaving. I know he was just doing his job, but he kept on going even as I was complying. The guy behind the counter was trying to apologize for it - I just held up an "OK" hand sign and continued leaving. My ONLY complaint about that situation is that there should have been a sign on the door saying no masks in the bank (I saw it on the door of two liquor stores and it is for the same reason - how hard is it to post a sign on the only incoming door?)

Off to MFIJ's place.
As I approached the door, I could hear him yelling out,
"Scarecrow!!" and I couldn't see where he was. ~ Camouflage ~ the blur of my vision, and his sitting down on a bench with clothes a similar hue to the bench and shrubs behind him - he was invisible until I was just about sitting next to him.
"I knew it was you! Do you want to know how?" He asked. I nod. I was expecting 'my walk' as everyone else had said, since I new he wasn't close enough to see my eyes and I hadn't laughed or said anything yet. Instead, he pat his stomach and nod looking at my stomach.
You would think that some fat pants like I had to buy would have hidden that a little - guess not ... bastard.
He then got the run down on my not talking - and I started to write a lot for him, but he was getting really tired of reading and I had forgotten how badly he reads. He took me in long enough to meet his kitten. He hasn't named her yet, but she is seriously about a couple of weeks to just over a month old - and a very pretty yellow calico cat just like Killer was (Killer was Greg's Cat). Then we walked to McDonalds about two blocks away.
I had to write it down; but this time I had MFIJ to help translate to the clerk - which he was all for because she was cute and he wanted every reason to flirt and talk to her.
By the way - he paid for his own food. "Hell, I asked you to eat. I should pay for yours also, but I don't have that much money. The least I can do is at least pay for my own." (hidden behind an emotionless mask).
The Clerk thought I was way to scary, and MFIJ was to cute.
MFIJ asked to read my 'stuffing' but actually didn't - he took them up to the clerk and let her read them, while he came back to talk to me some more.
Things I wrote down to MFIJ

MAIL *I was reminding him to check his mail*

Scarecrows aren't heard even if they talked
I have poems & such to read in my stuffing if you want to read about it

Find Buddy *He was asking what I wanted to do after we ate*

Don't care where we eat ... small pieces so I can eat.

Your advantage:
I can LISTEN to anything you say and not respond.
I can't talk and I can't see (no glasses)

You didn't get my Halloween card? *he did receive my Halloween card a day or so ago*
Oh - I was asked to leave the bank

Those are song lyrics that match the ideas of the costume.
Not my words - artist of song at top of each page *for a moment he thought I had written all those poems*

No hurry take your time
I still need the poems back *he was asking if I was ready to leave - he wasn't done eating, or flirting, yet though*

4 Faces of Death is close - and that is sick shit also
Several in the series - 1st all real ... demand was big and they began to fake some of it
*he was telling one of the girls he has been seeing (the one that pissed him off so bad by standing him up at the bar that one night) had brought one of these over to his house and watched it with him - and she was laughing her ass off at it all - it kind of disturbed him ~ which is saying A LOT*

The rest of the stuff comes later. I do want to point out MFIJ made the comment at one point how strange it was that I wasn't talking, and he still was.
Now started the long walk to Eastgate to find 'Buddy' (with one small stop at a gas station for cigarettes). MFIJ asked me why I didn't go in with him to get the cigs - I pointed at the door. The first of the really well made signs.
"Under no circumstances will masks be allowed in the store."
He asked me why that would be - I made a 'finger gun' and poked him in the ribs and opened up my candy bag.
"Afraid someone would rob them?" I nod ... he thought about it, "I guess that makes sense." and he brought up the bank again. Then he asked me that if a police man asked me to remove it,
"You would right?" I held out my hand a teetered it around for a maybe. "Don't fuck with me on this one Bret! If Cops asked you to take it off, you wouldn't?" I did the maybe sign again.
It would depend on the circumstances. My next question, that was kept to myself, how likely is it that we are going to run into cops tonight? Why is he worried about it?

Phone rang. It was Buddy. I hand the phone to MFIJ.
There was the rule. If the phone rang and I was alone - I could answer it. If there was anyone else around - they could talk for me. - Same with outgoing calls. If I was alone and needed to make one, I would. If there was someone else there and we where talking about calling someone - I would give them the phone.
Buddy actually (though jokingly) accused MFIJ of stealing my phone and just pretending that I was there and not talking. We found out he was at his Aunts (about a half mile closer then his place) and we decided to meet there.

Here is where things began to go bad.

First, Buddy was pretty drunk (and maybe under the influence of a few other substances). Oddly enough, I think this made MFIJ uneasy. It got weirder from there. Evidently Buddy gets meaner the drunker he gets, so there where a few jokes floating around about how nice he was going to be.
Next, the paranoia started up. As Buddy talked to me, MFIJ would wander off and come back to ask if we where done talking about him, or was I actually TALKING to Buddy (and this got turned around later and Buddy seemed to think that I just wouldn't talk to him, but was talking to other people. Then came the interesting argument:
Buddy asked if he could stay at my place so he could go to class the next morning. MFIJ also asked if he could stay at my place that night. I essentially said yes to both of them - then they argue about which one of them would sleep where.

Here is some of the writing I had to do about that and some more.

MFIJ is tired of reading *Buddy was talking a deaf - mute aunt he has and how much she would write and asked why I wasn't doing that*
Do you want to stay at my place 2nite? (can't talk till midnite)

Why have what you don't use? *this was to MFIJ, who had a can of beer in his pocket and telling everyone that he doesn't drink, but wouldn't give it up because it was given to him.*
You want to stay at your place or mine?
Who takes care of Kat? *I was assured the cat had everything she needed to last the night*

We can leave any time (if you don't want to be here). Buddy come or goes when we do.
We have a long walk home.

It was at this point that MFIJ found out everyone inside that really mattered was wasted enough to not care if he went inside (evidently he had caused some trouble there before and Buddy's family said he was banned from being there (and thus can't go in the houses). This started when Buddy sent MFIJ inside to get him another beer.
More and more they went inside and stayed longer and longer - leaving me alone outside (At first because I was not allowed inside, then because I didn't want to go inside having heard about everything that was going on inside). I had gotten to the point where the trips inside where getting longer and longer - and sitting still was making me very cold. I looked at my cell phone clock - I had been left outside now for 25 minutes. I decided that in 5 more I was going to begin walking home. In three minutes they came out (with another relative) and asked if I wanted to walk with them on a beer run. I shrugged and held my arm out in a 'lead on' fashion.
Buddy then asked,
"Do you want to go the legal way or the quick way like I do it?" They all shrugged. He looked at me and asked "Are you up for a hike?" I shrugged and nod. So the four of us cut through a couple of backyards, a field and church lot then to a road that lead right to the liquor store. I should note two things here and now. The relative that was walking with us - really good looking. Now - blessing; my mask has NO expression ~ I have not spoken a word. No one knows this thought in my head other then me (possibly a slim change that MFIJ figured it out just because he knows me, my tastes and maybe saw my gaze linger).
First situation that caught me ... off guard ~ because I completely missed the comment, and most of the rebuttal didn't make any sense to me ~ BUT - the relative made some kind of anti-gay remark. It was Buddy that suddenly became very loud about it which called my attention to the fact that something was happening. But what he was yelling was "In the joint!" which in retrospect I believe was his way of letting him know he was about to put foot in mouth because there was a homosexual 'in the joint' with them. It wasn't until I was then hearing MFIJ asking the relative,
"Do you have a problem with gays?"
He had the standard "No, as long as they stay to themselves." and MFIJ was telling him that he doesn't know very many gays, but people like me changed a lot of the opinions he had about gays. I still said nothing, or made any mention or motion to the situation. I just let them talk. I began to hang further and further back ... wondering if I could just walk a different direction ~ would they notice I was gone? If they did, would I be quick enough to get far enough away before they found me?

Once again I walked around in the parking lot - sign on the door "No Masks in the Store".
I wondered once again ... if I just walked away right now ... would they notice? Would they care?

They came out with the beer - argued about who should carry it (the relative lost). I began to hang further and further back again. I wasn't even really listening to anything they where talking about. Argument about who should carry the beer came up again, because the relative had to piss. I held my hands out in order to offer to carry it. MFIJ was the one that ended up taking because no one else would, and Buddy went to one side of the street, and the Relative went to the other and began to pee. MFIJ and I walked forward slowly.
Following a man I am still a little in love with - two of the more attractive men I know with their dicks hanging out in the wind and I can't even see anything (even if I did have my glasses with me). Two of them wanting to stay at my place (neither of them were I would have wanted them) and both of them drunk (yes - I'm not stupid. MFIJ was obviously drinking inside, and figuring that if I didn't see it, and he wasn't 'drunk', and wasn't doing anything else ~ I would never know. In his defense - honestly I think he only had one beer - maybe two; seriously just a social drink ~ and said no to everything else that was available inside. But ... He is not supposed to <period>).
We got back to the place - Buddy, Relative and BEER went straight inside. MFIJ hung around just long enough to ask me if he could go inside. I shrugged and showed him the note again about we could leave any time he wanted. He went inside. I looked at my cell clock. 8:30. I used the side of the house to pee. I realized that if I sit down, I was going to get cold - it was getting colder and the longer I sat still the colder I was going to get. They wouldn't notice if I was gone ... I was sure of it.

Honestly - the idea was to walk around the block to stay warm. Back before they even notice I was gone.
It is a maze out there. I don't have my glasses on. I am not familiar with the area.
I got lost.
I finally found a road that was 'familiar' and figured I could travel it to another road that I could recognize and maybe get back to them. I went the wrong way on 'Golden'. Instead of 6th or 10th, I found 21st. At this point I realized just how far away I had gotten to being able to find my way back. Next problem, I do not have the number of the Aunts that they are at. I will have to keep walking in a direction that should get me home and wait for them to call. I went the wrong way on 21st. I found California. I then turned and thought I was heading to 17th street. I was wrong. About the time I realized I was on about 23rd, and trying to walk on rough terrain and on coming traffic - my cell rang. I couldn't get to it until I found a more stable ground or sidewalk. It rang 4 times in a row with maybe a second between the gaps. I finally got to a space that I could do it - and found myself near the School (I believe Highland Park) I found steady side walks and checked the phone. I used the missed call number and called it - busy. I checked the time of the calls. On the nose - it was about 30 minutes before they noticed I was gone and tried calling my cell. The problem now is that I am trying to call back and let them know what happened and the line is busy. I ended up trying for nearly a half hour before getting through. By this point I am now at 29th and Adams.
"Why did you leave?" was the first question out of his mouth.
"I was cold and I went to walk around the block and I got lost." I replied.
"Should have knocked on the door, I would have walked with you." he said I have to admit he sounded really depressed.
"I didn't want to bother you, you had just gone in. I thought I would be back before you even noticed I was gone. It did take you a half hour to notice."
"I would have walked with you." He said again.
"I know you would have. I didn't mean to get lost. I would have called you but I didn't have the number there until you called me. I tried calling back but the line has been busy for the last half hour." I said.
"Maybe you should have answered when I called then." Just about hostile.
"Maybe I would have if I wasn't trying to dodge traffic and walk rough terrain at the time you called." I matched the hostility I heard - and frankly I was getting pissed about the accusations.
"Well, Buddy is really drunk now." He said. Depressed and Hostile where starting to sound a lot like 'under the influence' to me now. I figure a line he said earlier summed it up. <"I've been fucking up a lot the last few days because I've given myself permission to fuck up since I've already made the mistake anyway."> trying giving yourself permission to be okay and fix it. And I figure more then anything else - I didn't answer, I left him - fine he can just get as fucked up as he wants now. I however told him that I was sorry about that, if he gets that ride and still wants to stay they can pick me up and we can go. He said he didn't know when Buddy would sober up enough to get that ride. I mentioned that if he was getting uncomfortable he has the same way out of there that I had. I still don't have a car and I am far away and lost and can't walk by and walk with him (what the hell does he want from me? I can't hold his hand - figuratively or Literally ~ he won't let me!). We pretty much hung up on each other.
I was now heading North on Adams - hoping to find 21st again and head West toward home and maybe finding Greg at work or at home so I could get a ride.
I passed a haunted house, they all waved - I waved back. It was just kind of strange to hear Jason, Michael and Freddy (Vorhes, Myers, and Kruger) telling me to have a good night and "Peace be with you Brother!"
Hell - Jason was cute (even though I couldn't see his face) and I just wanted to walk up and hug him. I resist.
The only rule I haven't broken for Halloween - getting a 'date' on Halloween. Something about the dynamic of meeting during a prominent lie of who you are - just never has worked. I should have learned my lesson after 'The Puppy' but no - I had to prove it again with Jerry (I was a rag golem, he was Lestat) we took our make up off after midnight and slept together. Best month or so of my life before he ran off and married my best female friend ...
It was beginning to hit me now ... I have been walking way to long.
I was doing fine for blood sugar ... I was just really sore, getting weaker, my feet hurt, my knee was giving me some problems ... my taint was torn (I was sure of it - I was wrong, but it hurt a lot).
Honestly ... I wasn't sure if I was going to make it home.
21st was a walk of my telling myself to call someone for a ride and telling myself I could make that extra little way and probably find Greg and work and get a ride home ... or make it to Cosmos.
Right, lets go in a break that last rule about Halloween. I was seriously going to pay for this evening in the morning.
The walk down Washburn to 17th was all about who should I call if I couldn't make it down this street or Greg wasn't there. I was negotiating when to call it quits. At a light I had to pause before crossing the street - and I could barely get started again and I figured that I had to keep moving - like a shark, if I stopped I would die.
Greg wasn't working. He wasn't answering his phone.
<PS - I talked to Greg today. The phone rings, but they only have a cordless phone - and no power ... or water. His other room mates moved out and decided not to pay the last months bills. He has a lot of blankets for the cold, a lot of bitter feelings for his room mates and a lot of hope to be in his new house by the end of the week if not sooner).
I kept moving, but I called Ray at home. He missed the house phone, but answered his cell.
"Ray, it's Bret." I said.
"What's up?" Ray asked.
"I think I broke myself. I really need a ride." I said.
"Okay, I'm getting dressed right now. Where are you?"

I missed him by one block, but he picked me up at 12th and Washburn.

Ray thanked me for calling him - he wished I would have done it sooner.
Mom said the same thing.

Okay - last thing about the night ... no two things. I have to get back to setting up everything in the Halloween display.

Really funny moment with Spence. The whole time I was making the mask, he had to play with every piece of it. I was telling Greg about one instance where I was working with the yarns for the hair. He kept playing with the 'string' and I kept telling him no because I am working with needles and scissors. At that time I swat him away, and moved in with the scissors to cut the yarn and he swiped at it again. I cut the yarn and noticed Spence pull back really sudden ... and a little bit of black fur hit the bed. I checked him out, I just clipped the fur between one of the pads on his paw. I couldn't believe the luck (of a black cat). But he also saw me make the costume, he saw me put the costume on. He was never frightened of it or me. I came home, and he recognized me and even rubbed up against me (almost knocking me over in my weakened state). I then took my mask off and he came in the room and suddenly yowled and hissed and fuzzed up twice his size. It wasn't until I looked in the mirror that I figured out, it was all the smeared black make-up on my eyes, nose and mouth that was running down my face that was freaking him out. I washed my face and all was back to normal again.

I took a hot bath to help with all the soreness. I burned a cinnamon candle.
I lay down in the water and then suddenly began to cry. I wasn't even completely sure why. It wasn't from the pain, it wasn't from the events of the night.
I think I figured out later that it was because the Halloween costume was to much of a success.
It didn't make the layered comment I wanted everyone to see. They did exactly what they always did.
I put on a mask and became some 'thing' different ... and everything was still exactly the same.
It didn't matter if I talked or not.
Everyone thought I was cool, but ignored me.

Okay MFIJ is here now. Going to watch a Zombie film. Then I will work on the last of the pictures of the Halloween stuff.