9307.02

I'll get back to the rest of that. I just had a bad dream.
It started out plain enough. I was working. I could tell it was a dream all kinds of things were wrong with the way the store looks.
Then Jason *my brother* came by and we started to talk. Trading storys of lovers and wishes and we got into talking about our fantasies. "Use your imagination and tell me what you want" I got into this, vivid descriptions, gory details. He had to go or I went back to work : something. While I'm working the police come in and arrest me. They wouldn't tell me why but I decided I'd go willingly to find out why. They put on handcuffs (really lose) and something that was supposed to be a straight jacket (a white shirt with clips in front).
As I got to the police station I took off the cuffs and handed them to some officer took off the jacket and threw it on the floor all on the way back to my cell (which was like a department store dressing room. Just a little alcove with curtains for a doors). As I closed those curtains . myself I yelled "I want my lawyer!" And I could hear the police complaining about my little act of defiance. (Since I encarserated myself). Soon Jason was in the cell with me smoking with his legs crossed like a womans.
"They haven't even told me the charge, yet. They can't do this."
"It's Manslaughter." Jason said exhaleing smoke.
"They told you? Manslaughter? of who? This is riddiculous. I'll be out of here easy. I can't believe they told you Manslaughter."
"They didn't tell me." he said looking away. "I'm the one pressing charges."
"What!"
"It's only a point of honor that I'm hear for you anyway. But I had to do this. Your going to kill someone."
"What the hell are you talking about!? Your my brother! You know I won't kill anyone! Damn it! MOM!"
"She won't help you." Jason said. "I can't get her to support me or stop me." I could see Mother outside crying profusly and saying over and over . that she was sorry.
"Who did I kill?" I thought I had him. I know I was innocent prove it now and I'm free.
"Jesus Bret, your HIV positive and you talk about unsafe sex all the time ..."
"Wha..." I stutter in utter disbelieve.
"Kansas is one state with a law that allows HIV and AIDS to be considered a deadly weapon and you have demonstrated the intent to use it so I ..."
"What the Fuck are you talking about?!" I through Jason out of the cell and lurched out after him suddenly pulled off by police. "I didn't kill anyone!"
" 'Big Juicy loads of cum all over us.' Remember that? You'll kill someone with that." Jason seemed so sure of himself that it only made me angrier and Mother cry harder.
I broke free of the police and launched myself at Jason suddenly reliving all the old sibling hatreds of our youth. I tackeled him and began pounding his head onto the floor. But it wasn't hard and Jason wasn't fighting back.
"I loved you, you little Shit! . you were my brother! I trusted you!" I screamed and began to cry. The police pulled me off again and Jason got up not hurt at all and said "I have to do this. Our conversation proved it."
I lost it again.
"We were talking about our imaginations, Remember? Imagine what you want. It wasn't real!"
"You never once imagined a condom."
"Because in a fantasy the world is perfect. Use your imagination, Jason. In perfect sex there is no fear of desiease to be afraid of!"
"It seemed real to me." Jason said.
I grabbed a broom stick and began to hit a long name plate that Jason held up to deffend himself. Again the effort was not violent but more so just to hear the noise.
"I used my Imagination! I'm an Artist! My imagination is supposed to seem real, God Damn it! It's all I have left!"
I woke as my arm fell to the bed without a broom in it.

It just fell, plop, to the covers and I lay there a minute thinking.
I actually fell asleep again. I dreamed I was in a bar drinking grape juice. I was deppressed. A tall man came over with a beer in his hand. He pointed at the grape juice bottle and said "Bad news?" with a smile.
I smiled back and said "Yeah,"
"What was it?"
"My brother had me arrested for manslaughter."
"Who did you kill?" he asked
"No one. I'm just HIV+"
The beer feel out of his hand shattereing on the floor leaving a splatter of foam across his boots, as the alarm went off.
I need to talk to someone. I hope Brad isn't really mad at me. I think I know what this dream is trying to tell me, but it still dosen't give me any answers. In fact it leaves me with the doubt that if I can't trust my Brother and I can still understand his side, how can I trust anyone and still get support?

*This dream tackled a lot of my concerns in one fell swoop. At this point I had told all my friends and family (except my father). Everyone said I was taking it really well. As I've said before things sink in slow for me. I have a tendency to deal with a problem and then feel the emotions. The emotions brought up here where Guilt and fear. Guilt over not only having a "deadly" virus but being able to give it to someone else. Fear over being rejected and "thrown away" for having it.
At this point in time HIV/AIDS was still a murky subject and there where cases in the news about people pressing murder charges against people with HIV/AIDS. I had told all of my friends now, this made it real. I couldn't slip into denial and say it never happened, nor would I want to. But what if someone close to me didn't feel about it the way I did? What if someone turned me over to the masses lead by Fred (Phelps) and I was denied a free existence (or any existence).
I think my dream chose my Brother as the "villain" because not only was he family, but he was a friend and Gay. The epitome of everything I was afraid would turn on me. I think the Dream started at work because that was my other big fear of exposure. Ostracism from everything important to me was now possible because of a virus.
As much as I would like to think the world has changed, I can still read about hate crimes. I've lead a charmed life thus far (knock on wood) and thank everybody for the support I have received. This dream began my journey into facing my fears and getting on with my life.*

9307.04

Independance Day - where is it. I am continuously trapped by one thing or another.

"I saw them in watching bombs in the crystal dessert." Q-bert then hopped away and I spiraled through the lazer tunnel and out into the techni-color wash-out wasteland and saw the atom bomb explode. Brian was right, he should have been Batman - this adventure needs a detective.
~At least I'm back to creative dreaming instead of that phyco dream shit from last time.

Okay, backing up a couple of days. The library closed at 9:00PM. I was abruptly informed of this by going blind - then the lights came back on.
The sentance I attempted to complete was that my Mother apologized for the gifts she gave me. She thought they were inapropreate to give to someone whoes dieing. I told her I Loved them. They were a bright spot in my days and still do not consider them inapropreate. *not to mention that I'm NOT dieing!*

Why should she have to reexamine the quality of a gift after its given?

Also, I have begun to compare the telling of people that I'm HIV+ to the times I told them I was gay. Reactions are similar if not the same. *Pobibly because people still think they go hand in hand and one follows the other.*

I'm never going to get any drawing done if I keep writing. I'll talk later.

9307.25 considered

so much for writing everyday. I only seem to write while I'm stressing over something. Now its David *last name*
Someone I've actually spent very little time with but has won my heart over in a big way. I haven't felt like this since Shawn. There is this million mile an hour frieght train running through my head. I don't know if anyones told him I'm HIV yet. I'm scared to death to be around him because of how I feel for him. Consiquently we haven't talked much about eachother and how we feel but I diffinateley know how I feel and I'm damned for it one way or another.

First off, he's from Pheonix. He'll be going home soon. Does he feel the same way about me? Will he after he knows I'm HIV+? Did I mention *EDIT - because a lot of this is personal for more then just me and I haven't talked to David in a long time.* Damn that hurts.
All in all, all this acomplishes is working me up over nothing. More later, I'm tired.

9307.26 considered

My life is hell, but my job only sucks. David is tieing up an awful amount of my brain time. Thing is that everything I do to try and forget I do very well and it drives me back to thoughts of him again. One thing that gets me now is how very little I really know about him other then that he makes me feel speacil and inspires me to great things. I really do lose anyway this goes, so I've decided to enjoy the time we have and write once he's gone.
Oh, wait!

?What about David and I?

I * *21 MOUNTAIN V treacherous enemy to get you be on guard
I ***6 APPLE > pleasant unexpected occurance, present
M N .24 HEART < meriment, gaiety never leave you
S * *41 CAT > beware claws hidden beneath friendly exterior

*** LC
S-L .16 STAR < temporary blindness forces series of mistakes /guide to goal
I-L*11 BRANCHES V makeing up after a quarrell / <=
M * **2 CLOVER < sorrow for short duration with satifactory outcome
I-M* .8 HEARSE V sickness / <= ^ happy fullfill desires

21,41 warn me of danger from someone. Someone probibly close. Maybe David. Maybe Leah or Brad *Leah is the one that introduced David and I (and she did tell him I was HIV+). Brad has been mentioned before. I think I'm just paranoid about the whole situation - but with some good reason*
24 tells me no matter what my disposition will remain the same.
6 could be the realtionship itself or exactly what it says unexpected.
-
8 HIV of course. watch my health.
2 and 16 is probibly this million MPH frieght train.
11 me & David? maybe me & Brad now that he's moving in.

I give up. I finished the pencils on issue 3. I need to script it now. Good night.

9309.04 considered

I have been going through some drastic mood swings lately. Ranging from happy to depressed, from horny to angry. Work is the worst, but the most easily consealed. When I'm depressed, I'm quite and people ask what's wrong. "Nothing." When I'm happy nobody notices. When I'm Angry people stay out of my way and find the most ignorant person on the crew and ask them what they did. (There are alot of them running around lately - Jay and Doug are of course the worst) And when I'm horny - no one knows because I merely watch and maybe sigh. I've never been one to talk unless someone else mentions it first. Since no one at work looks at the same~thing with me, no one else speaks first and my opinion stays with me.

There was this one guy - whoa, Baby! Had to be at least 6'2" maybe more. Firm, square, solid build that still came off a little lean. Dark tan with strong hands that look like they work for a living. Stout strong fingers with a sence of grace like a Michelangelo. . He wore jeans and T-shirt - nothing speacil. First thing I really noticed about the guy was his head - he had no hair. Shaved smooth. I could tell his hair was dark, but stubble reveals very little color. For some reason this turned me on (I have no idea why). The next thing I noticed was his hands as he dig around for change.
"What was the total?" he asked.
"5, 49~ Five-Fourty-Nine, sir." he looked up at me with dark blue eyes.
"Are you sure? Seems like it should be higher."
"Well, that's what the computer says. After all, we are Food 4 Less."
"So you are." he said with a smile. A smile so relaxed and directed it almost made me believe he was flirting.
I read somewhere once that customers feel better about there buying experence if the cashier touches them. - A human contact thing. Since then I've alway made it a point to hand customers there change so that our hands meet at some point. It's very subtle. When I gave this guy back his penny his hand curled up around my fingers then slid down them craddling the penny in the palm of his hand. Again . I thought he might be flirting, but then he sacked his three items and left his reciept without so much as looking back. I knew it was all in my imagination. I still wished he'd have written a check so I could know his name.

Alright, lets help people understand why I write things. I separated this by a line so its different from where I began. I first paragraph was all fact. Plain and simple. The part about the guy is an allegory. Full of symbols. Most important a brief flirtation with the unknown and a specific money amount with no list of items. 549 is my T-cell count. The stranger is Death. I have long wirtten that Death is a punk female with Dark skin and purple hair who flirts with me. I of course pay no attention because she is female. Death has said she is a seductress and I have nothing to fear from her as long as I'm not attracted to her. So mysteriously I'm creating an image which is mascline and resembels Death. The hair is purple but because it is stubble I can't tell . and not yet a mohawk. Get the idea? Good. Now laced into that allegory is alot of facts. I do touch costumers. I have recently seen 3 different bald (shaved) men and found them strangely attractive. One matched the description of the build but nothing else. The other two, not even close. I have had several people come through my line that I thought may be flirting with me but something always snaps me back to reality - for example there wife next to them.
Other then my T-cell count being so low the other thing to depress me lately is that I told Mike and he did not handle it well, in fact he feels responsible even though there is no evidence to prove it. "I gave you warts taking your virginity - I've always been safe since - I have had and HIV lover, a condom broke on us once - I've never been tested - I gave you AIDS." some logic, huh? *Okay there is a little note for concern here (He did have HIV+ lovers before, we did have a condom break on us once) but, he didn't fit into the time frame of when I should have been infected. That coupled with the fact that he hadn't been tested to know his actual status, really bothered me. Now to jump ahead a little - in the upcoming vacation I went with Mike for his test and it came back Neg.*
Though possible, not probible. Besides, I believe he thinks I told him in order to place blame. I did not and don't want to. I . told him because he's coming here for vacation and said he would fuck my brains out (please do!) so I thought he should know and know before he came (no pun intended).
I figured of all my friends he would take the news the best. Because he had an ex-lover with HIV and because he lives in L.A. one of the hightest risk areas of the nation. I thought he would have at least been tested himself.
Mike is the Wizard or Mage in my writings - Wands and Magic all generally reffer to sex. I'm sure I'll write about it soon in those terms. Often writing in Alegory alows me to draw better conclusions then I might from the available facts.
I've got nothing better to do with my brain then try to find connections in life anyway.

931Ø.04
1004. YaKnow

Mike gives up- can't win - to tired to focus - train supossed to be here in 15 minuets.
BRET plays solitare ** Corners - Lose off bat
*******************************- Loses again whole deck
? train in ten minuets - clean up

68 - 34 ***Mike and I are separated in seating. Mike is not happy and either
********* is the lady that had to sit up up from sleeping.

I see alot of people in singel seats. I don't understand.
* Damn! No light - Nap time.

1Ø04. did it again 931Ø.04

In Garden City a very cute fourteen to twelve year old that reminded me of David got off the train and the seat next to Mike was mine. I promptly feel asleep again and Mike tired tried for along time but tells me he was unsuccessful.
Mike woke me to set our watches back and I have been enjoying some of the scenery as we begin to pull into Trinidad Colarodo. *Man, you have no idea how much a spell check has helped me learn to spell!* Little "Hollywood" sign for Trinidad ontop of a beautiful Masa. It reminds me of downtown Topeka. Nice old buildings. Mike is amazed they have a McDonalds. "McDonalds is everywhere." I told Mike. "Yeah, but this is the middle of nowhere." he replied. "McDonalds is still everywhere, Mike."
There goes Dairy Queen. Earlier the Conductor came over the speakers and gave commentary in which he ended with "Colorado is a state where Men are Men but don't always leave that way. If you don't understand that come on down and I'll explain it to you." Mike and I smiled quite a bit.
The scenery is beautiful here in contrast to the barren flat lands preceeding it moments before.

It was beautiful in it own way but reminded me to much of the barren periods of my life when I imagine desserts and write about them. Usually I think of sand and a midnight bule sky.
Okay - where's Josefine? Jeez~ Sweet old Lady. Small house right on top of the tracks. So she waves at us. Conductor says everyday for 30 years.
Deja' Vous. ^ I remember that mistake and statement.
This isn't neraly as strange as the bus which I'll never ride again. The people seem nicer. Mike is waiting for color! I'm waiting for excitement - are there still train robbers?
Well, I'm going to switch to the other motebook and work on Mifits plots. I need to give minor rewrites to Butterfly concerning the killer and better write WildCards story I think. Then work on what's next. Need to drop hints about Jose', too.

C Ya!

931Ø.05

In anihem this afternoon, now at the HOJO in Huntington Beach. Mike is home, I meet Del. I'm getting tired. Rewrote WildCard issue. Half done with Praying Mantis issue. Breezed through Butterfly and Firefall stories and made notes. Started rough plot ideas for next issues.
One call home and I nap.

931Ø.05

Oh, the incredible life and times of Mikey Chandler. Despite what happened in Kansas it's worse here. But its Worse here because of Kansas. *Hold on I'm getting to it*
Mike got very drunk one night and I learned alot about Mike.
Most shocking -
He believes in God - not a benevolent one.
He believes God has plans but you can change the plan - that's when God gets mean.
"I believe God meant to take my brother but science interviened and saved him. So now he's going to take me."
He believes he's ply pshyic. *psychic*
he too has had empressions of his death. He believes he'll be . murdered before he's 30.
He believes he's runing out of time to correct his life. He has never "loved anyone correctly." Meaning he has yet to remain faithful to anyone. I tried to tell him faith does not measure the depth of love one feels. He will have none of that talk.
It's funny, he and Del are both so fucked up about relationships they deserve each other but they will self destruct. Del demands faith and total attention while still being able to be 'nice' to people. Mike Demands total attention and total freedom. If this relationship isn't over before I leave it will be by the time Del gets back from the Philipines. If its still there then, then Mike will be killed by Del before he's 30.
By the way, I'll write this nicer later with more meaning but while Mike was away he slept with me twice, *Edit - four names* once. This is all I know about, Mike is notorious about lieying about others if he can get away with it. Now that he's home and back to boyfriend he believes he has VD.

I just found and read passages from when Mike was there before. I'm to tired to write now but I will.

*Okay, to help those that will become confused. I am about to begin writing in allegory. I will be writing about when Mike first arrived, while I am in California with him. So actually there are two levels of things going on here but I think if you pay attention you can figure it all out by the time it's over. You don't have to understand what is going on - just follow it.*

931Ø.06

With fire flaring from its nostrils and smoke streaming between its jagged teeth, the wingless Asian Dragon ran along the ground at temendus speed. Soon there was a voice above the sound of its hundred thunderous footsteps and the beast bellowed out a high scream similar to his seafaring cousins as he released his talon-like claws and ground into the rock screeching to a hault. Then from amist the steam steped the lean figure of the Wizard with a smile.
I was glad to see him despite his new spells and surprize he came despite my news. As we hugged I recalled how badly he took the news that I had become a magic hole (for those that do not know a Magic hole is an irreversable spell that prevents someone from recieving Magic. Most important however is that those how who try to give Magic . to the hole or attempt to fill it often end up becoming Magic holes themselves. Worse yet, Magic holes are difficult if not impossible to spot. One may be or come into contact with one without ever knowing it. The only symptoms known are that broken hearts mend slower and Magic casting gets fewer results. Although these are not constant and do not hold true for everyone. The end result of a Magic hole however is death. The hole will suck out all the magic in the individual untill it attacks the most mundane of magic energy - life. Magic Users are at a loss as to where this spell came from or how to undo it and it has not only torn asunder the magic using comunity it has frightened and riled the mundane comunities. It was truely the most evil or ignorant of Sorcerers that unleased this spell.) Once he had heard I doubted that I would ever see the Wizard again. But he cast a ward on himself and filled the air with magic and came anyway.
"It's good to see you again." he spoke with smoke and a light in his eyes.

"And I you." I said with a smile. "My kingdom awaits your arrival. But it is late, let us go to the castel and retire for the night, so we may start fresh with in the Dawn."
The Wizard agreed and we loaded his belonging onto the Charriot. As we did so however I noticed him try to hide his wand and later he asked for a separate room in which to 'study celibate magics'.
"Magic which I crave to learn, for they are the only new spells uneffected by my condition. I wish to learn them as well. You will study in my chambers as planned. Besides, there was a wedding and we have many guest in my castel. There is no other place."
"Agreed." he spoke. "I knew it would be." So then we drove and then slept to begin a new day.

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