Book 8 March 2 1987 to February 15 1990

8709.19 considered

     For future refference Mike's birthday is on the 19th and Jack's is on the 20th. Yesterday was alot of fun and I ended up staying out until 5:ØØAM (a new record). Tonight, even with a double birthday it was slow. I got to watch Shawn crawl all over Mike, and Jack and Jay hang on to each other. I played odd man out. (What else is new).
     Now to plan alittle bit of what I will send Shawn this week.
Monday - a child in "fetal" position upright. The puzzles begin this is not letter, it's a picture.
Tuesday - Head up, no words but adress.
Wednesday (No post cards left. Buy 3 more?) Screaming with chains, on knees.
Thursday - Standing, chained, paniced, water at chest level.
Friday - chains broken, paniced, still drowning.
Monday - Letters begin, send an A letters that are numbered.
     I1     G2A3Y4     U5     N6O7S8

I is Rurard Kiplings IF.
S is Secret and Sin
A is Alpha, Alphabet, Adolescent. Adult, attension, Atitude, Apology, Apathy, Agape,
     and there diffinisions
The rest later.

8709.28

     As the water hit his face in the shower he finally began to wake up. He massaged the soap into his scalp and the rest of his body, ridding him of the grime of the world. The water was hot and it rose about his ankles in the tub. The drain was to small, couldn't get rid of the water as fast as it came in. The murky water continued to rise. The heat and steam sat in the air and held his chest together like a hug. It was smothering him like a hug that was just a little to strong, or not there at all. He couldn't feel clean.
     He turned the water off and suddenly felt tired again. He lay down in the water, careful not to let it spill out over the top. His arm, face and upper chest felt cool as the air brushed against it. The rest of him lay in the hot water. He stared at the light as the scum floating on the water clung to his skin. He found it hard to breath again as he listened to the water drain away. He closed his eyes and listened harder to his life draining away.
     He wasn't felling well so he dressed for his funeral. Stiff shirt, tight collar and a restraining tie. He walked out into the cool rain and stepped in a puddle. He leaned against the cold metal of the lamp post and dared the lighting to strike. He dared it, and the thunder rolled in the distance.

8710.17 considered

     I've been a bit lax in writing but I never seem to have any time.
     I'm writing now because I think I have to. I fucked the guy next door to grandma's again. These things I should have a record of for health's sake. Nothing changed from the last time. He really got into it, and I didn't. I did it because I was horny and he was an easy guiltless fuck. I feel cheap for having done it and worse for not having at least enjoyed it. I don't want to do it again. This doesn't mean anything. I probably will and I'll feel bad again and I'll say this again.
     -It's a Sin- the PET SHOP BOYS "turn over a new leaf, then tore right through it"
     I left a note on Mikes car telling him where I would be so I could met his "Buddy Bill" visiting from LA. Shawn found it and crumpled it up. Mike never got it but knows what happened. Shawn almost never says two words to me. I'm going to try, again, to avoid them both. I'm bussy and alone anyway.

8710.18

     I've been working on Shawn O'Briens Letters. I mailed C today. I made D and I just now. I need to think of G here real quick. First E & F though.
     K will be - Knights in white Satan, KNIGHTS KNOW 2 KNEEL ON 1 KNEE B4 KNAVES and KNIVES.
     Q will be a picture of a Queen and writen over her wil be ROYALITY SUCKS
     R is reason and I plan to do it on a computer.
      I GAY U NOS
I and A are done. I'm working on S. Secret Sins Sufer Silently Smiths.
     G - Gently?
     Gay would be to blunt. What else begins with G?
     What about Y U NO
     YUNO, is another statement.
perhaps I 'll doubble number those

  I1     G2A3Y41     U52     N63O74S8

  I1     G2A3Y4     U5     N6O7S8N should be NUT and NEGATIVES
GLOVE! Glove starts with G

E and F first though.
     Got to go.

8711.25 Thanksgiving Considered.

     It's been a long time, but generally nothing has changed. I work, I go to school, I'm trying to carry a social life but that is a joke.
     I spend my time with Brian Paxson, renting movies, staying up late and generally joking around. Dave is back on leave from the Air Force and Pat got back from the Marines today, I haven't seen him yet but I will. I'm spending time going to Lawrence in a broken car to see Shawn *O'Brien*. I've made one trip to Manhattan to see Marc and Brain Cowen, I plan to make more. I'm spending all my time with straight guys who don't know I'm gay and being lonely. It's annoying. Marc knows but doesn't talk about it, at least not to my knowledge. That's annoying also.
     I cut my long hair very short for Halloween and shaved off my beard. *Picture here - Danger Mouse* I've kept myself clean shaven. I have Shawn Corcoran and a few others believing I'm going into the Marines. I had a few people believing I was someone else.
     I went over to Mike's because Shawn went to his Parents for T-Day. It started bad but he convinced me to stay. I shouldn't have. He convinced me to do more. He promised me it wouldn't happen again. I was late to T-Day dinner at Grandma's and I felt self-conscious because my knees were weak and I thought I was walking funny. I still can't stop thinking of Shawn . though. Sometimes I get so depressed and I lay in bed with my eyes closed, remembering, dreaming of the times he held me, talked to me, laughed with me, tried to seduce me. I remember most the time we lay on his apartment floor listening to the Cure. Just as "Let's go to bed" came on he got naked and lay on me. I was so nervous, and stupid, and did nothing. I also remember the walk in the rain. He looked so good wet.
     I told myself this morning, "I can only regret the things I've done." This is true only where it doesn't involve Shawn, then I deeply regret what I didn't do as well.
     Just once I think I'd like to be in control. Somewhere along the line I lost it.

     I give thanks today. I give thanks for being alive and in reasonable health. I give thanks for having friends - good friends whom I love and love me back. I give thanks for never knowing want for something basic to my survival. These are what I give thanks for, Life, Friends, Love and a basic security. And that's in descending order.

      It will all work out one way or another.

8801.16

     It's been awhile my red book friend *the journal has a red cover* that a problem like this has come up where I must write for sanity. Despite the distance of time this entry and the last are closely tied.
     Since Shawn McGee lost his job he has been home. This helped out a great deal in that now I couldn't visit and be isolated by one of them. Either ignored by Shawn or harassed by Mike. Since Shawn had been getting nicer to me again I began to drop by more often again. Then I began to get there at times when Mike was asleep *he was working nights* and I would talk with Shawn. Last payday I offered to take Shawn out to eat. We did. I had a wonderful time. I'd seen him again a couple of times. Yesterday was payday again and I offered to do the same thing. He had just eaten and really I don't know why I asked because I wasn't hungry and I had a headache and thought I might be sick. But Shawn did want out of the house so we left Mike's semi-sleeping form there. He asked Shawn not to go anywhere when he got his coat. We left anyway.
     We decided to stop at our respective banks for money even if we didn't eat. Shawn shocked me by withdrawing $500.00. When I astonishedly asked why he told me to hush and he would explain later. I began to formulate why's. He was trying to get something Mike didn't want, hide money from Mike, . maybe they were breaking up - no wishful thinking keep your mind where it should be. We left the bank.
     In the car Shawn smiled widely. That big satisfied grin of just having gotten away with something. He counted out the $500.00 twice. I asked for explanation. He just withdrew a $500.00 mistake on the banks part. (He ripped them off) He asked them to transfer funds from his account to his and Mikes joint. The money showed up in the joint but was still in his - so he withdrew it. I then listened to him flatuate back and forth between "I got way with it" and "What are they going to do to me". Shawn is a great and creative thief but he is wracked by to much guilt to be any good. (He loses his cool).
     I went to my bank and deposit my paycheck taking out $30.00. We then went to PIER 1 and we bought things we didn't really need. Shawn bought a room divider. One he had been looking at for 3 weeks but didn't have the money to buy and knew Mike would kill him if he did. He talked me into buying a net and a glass head *wow, I still have those* so I talked him into the room divider.
     To celebrate this wild expenditure we went to eat. Valentino's. It was very good.

     Shawn slid down in the parking lot and dirtied his clothes. I forgot - In the resteraunt 2 things-
     1) Mike *Someone else* was working. I met him at the store. He is incredibly good-looking, barely of age and very straight. We both looked anyway.
     2)Shawn began to dangle information in front of me and stop. I told him I didn't care, as he got up for the salad bar I told him I hoped he choked on a crouton. His reply "I don't choke on anything" Shawn also mentioned not going back home all night - this joke then turned into "let's rent a hotel room and I'll prove it."
     I told him I was not well for conversation like this and we left.
     We went to his place to stash the room divider and so he could change his pants and coat. We decided to leave again. We drove aimlessly about. Shawn told about the troubles he and Mike were having. The usual stuff. And how Shawn was not ready to move to LA again. If he didn't move though he'd lose Mike, and at this point, he didn't care. I tried to keep my mind in place. Help Shawn with his problems. Listen well and say something if you can. All was fine.
     "I've got to have a cigarette for this one" Shawn said. He lit it about as we passed the bar.
     "One for what?" I asked.
     "I don't know. Something that I heard . that I never suspected in my wildest thoughts, dreams or nightmares."
     I laughed a little. "Okay" there was a pause. I was concentrating on the road.
      "What." I asked. I stopped at the light, Kansas and 6th I think- right by the bank.
     "I heard somewhere that you were in love with me."
     I suddenly banged my head into the window and very quietly said "oh god."
     "Nice weather we're having isn't it?" *Shawn said* I perked up and took the left turn. The night was clear and the stars were out and it was 42° out. Beautiful for this time of year.
     "Oh yes, very nice" I said. I hit every stop light trying to get onto the highway.
     "Well, ... "
     "What's it supposed to be like tomorrow?" I asked.
     "The same I hear." Shawn looks away.
     "Good then somebody's going to die on a nice day."
     "Who?"
     "Who ever told you."
We began to converse. He told me Shawn Corcoran told him first and he blew it off. I said good because he never knew he guessed. He told me then that Mike told him - makes sense I did tell him but why did he tell Shawn? - The he said he asked Jack and Jay about it. I told Jack - told him . never to tell - but I can see it happening. He asked me if I told anyone else. I said I told Melanie.
     "This must have been recent then." he said. I tried to stay quite but he kept asking. He began to ask about Mike and I and I lied - I couldn't even look at Shawn to do to but I lied. "Nothing happened between Mike and I, nothing."
     I was so nervous I contracted cotton mouth. Off the highway to Vista West and I bought us drinks with part of the nine dollars I'd been trying to give to Shawn for the meal because he bought and I wanted to - but wouldn't have had enough anyway.
     "I take the 5th, Shawn."
     "I'm sure you do. Why? Because I don't need to know or because of Mike?"
     "Yes."
     "Yes, what?"
     "Yes, you don't need to know because of Mike." I had to pee now and I still had cotton mouth. Went to my house. Melanie called and Brian with Rick were on there ways over. I called Melanie and told her that I wasn't going to make it to Lawrence because Shawn was here. She wants a full report and I'm not sure what I'll tell her because this gets worse but I have to talk to someone. I am so numb this way and I can't keep up this way.
     I have to open the store, more later.

Continued

     Okay, here's were things got better and worse.
     I gotlost Rick and Brian and took Shawn over to Kevin Abernathys. Shawn appeared to want to ditch me, at this point thinking back that would have been good or bad. Kevin couldn't leave so Shawn was stuck with me for awhile. He kept telling Kevin he wanted to go drinking so I asked if he wanted to go to a liquor store. He said no, then pointed and we pulled into the liquor store across the street from Kevin's. He bought 1 case of Bud light and a bottle of some wine. We drove aimlessly for quite some time and finally came to rest by some power station out behind French junior high on 37th street. We looked at stars, he drank, he smoked, we talked. I ended up laying in his arms. I felt like a small child and I told him so. His hands are still so big and beautiful. And he felt and smelled so good. We talked about Mike and I told him everything I told Melanie one night in the car. I told him about how slowly I realized what I felt. The day I was going to tell him but he told me about Mike instead. About the letter I was trying to write at that time just before he left (actually the day he left and met Mike). I told him how I felt when he was with Bill, Brad and others. We both remembered the walk in the rain and I told him I've . thought of that as one of my biggest mistakes.
     Shawn told me he had always had feelings for me. He didn't really know why but he covered them up and he did so mostly by being angry at me. He thought some of it might have been from all the talk he heard from the others about my long hair and beard. It ticked me off a little that would make a difference but he redeemed himself by saying, "but that was just you then." and by earlier in the conversation by telling that he like this new look alot. He also wanted to keep apologizing for having treated me so bad in the past.
     Shawn began to want to do more. I couldn't and I told him it was because of Mike. Actually it was. I promised myself that what happened with Mike would never happen again. I think I meant it. I did also tell him I just wasn't ready yet and that he had always tended to move to fast for me. I told him I didn't want to say the next part, but he asked me to anyway.
     "So you realize ... that you have done so much with me ... things no one else has ... and yet ..."
     "What?"
     "You never even ... kissed ... me before."
     "You never wanted me to."
     "You never tried." I remember staring at the glove compartment from Shawn's lap the whole time. Just then I looked up to see the look on his face. He smiled. Then leaned down and Kissed me.

     It felt alot like I always thought it would only this was real. There was no really soft ether like quality from the dreams. Dreams lack the substance. This was real, solid flesh and bone. It was wet and solid and I can still feel our stubble scritching together. I still feel it, like a dream.
      "I knew you'd do that, that's why I didn't want to say it."
     "Sorry it tasted like beer."
     "I didn't taste it."
    It was quite for a while and I kept stroking his thumb as it held my hand.
     "Shawn, how do you feel right now?"
     Silence
     "I don't know ... Content. Maybe a little confused, but not to confused." he said and squeezed me a little tighter.
     "I can't really describe it either." I said. It was quite. Then I reached up and pulled Shawn down a little closer and Kissed him again. We kissed again latter, I can't remember why or when, maybe there wasn't a why but it was latter. Shawn still wanted more and I couldn't, it cooled off for awhile.
     A car drove by and Shawn was sure it was a cop so we decided to leave. I drove about aimlessly for awhile. It was a quarter 'till twelve so we had been parked for about two hours or longer. As we drove Shawn and I both pointed out motels. But I knew I couldn't, and we didn't.
   I had to pee again, and so did Shawn. at that time his place was closer so we went there. After we pee'd and Shawn put the room divider out, since Mike as at work, Shawn put in the porno tapes Jay dubbed. From the start I sat in the bowel chair for some distance. I was happy for that when the tape started because Shawn had said earlier about how the last time we watched tapes (last payday) he had a hard time staying on his end of the couch. But Mike was asleep in the house then - we both knew better- now we were alone. The movie started about 12:20am.
     Shawn made a few comments about my handling my erection. Also he made a few about me to Woofer (the Dog). I told him I don't play with dogs. He came over to the chair and said no but he could with me. I said no, I meant no, and just like before in the old days Shawn was persistent and like an octopus. I said no, I thought I meant no, but just like before with Mike, it was out and started and it became vary hard to say no. Shawn was right though, he didn't choke. I did manage to stop him for awhile and he pulled me off the chair and onto the floor. We lay awhile then we moved a little and he began again. Now I had also taken his shirt off. He started again and I kept trying to pull him . up to lay on me. He stopped.
     "You don't really want me to do this."
     I sat up and looked at his chest. He keeps complaining that he's fat but he's really not. His chest was bigger then I remembered it. His torso was block shaped.
     "I do, but I can't." It was quite and I can't tell what was going through his head. I started to tell about his chest, and how sorry I was for the way I was being. He said he understood and left it up to me.
     "Now he's understanding" I said. He just looked at me. I was rubbing his chest. I was just about to pull him on top of me and let nature take its course.
     Shawn's eye's got big and I heard the foot steps too. More mouthed then said Shawn lurched to the door with "put your pants on". Quickly I stood pulling my pants from my knees to my hips and thinking "Oh god not now, why this, please don't let me get caught in my zipper." Shawn played with the lock as Mike had his key in it and told him to let go of the lock because he was trying to undo it. I sat. *can you tell how nervous writing this made me?*
     Mike came in. I'm in the chair, Shawn is on the floor shirtless. I noticed Mikes hair cut. He swore under his breath and went to this boom box above the VCR on the book self. His back turned to us he said, "Shawn, please put your shirt back . on or go get one of mine."
     "I was hot and getting ready for bed." Shawn said. bed was cut off as Mike took the radio box down turned and said "Fine ... See you in the morning." Then he left, as quickly as he came. Time 1:11am. The door closed and Shawn had a shirt on.
     "I feel like Shit." I said to break the silence. Shawn knows he knows and frankly if Mike doesn't then he was very preoccupied. Shawn didn't look happy and couldn't think of anything to say or do. I asked what he thought would happen and said probably nothing. I can't believe that, I left and told Shawn we'd talk later and to call me if he need anything.
     I swore and screamed in my car periodically with no real conviction. It felt good anyway. I won't know what I really feel here until later, maybe weeks from now.
     I'm afraid to go over there now. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to do.
     I think I've hurt Mike and Confused Shawn. I couldn't sleep last night. I got home at 2:00am I woke up at 8:00 *that means I gave up trying to sleep*

I've got to get out and run a few errands. I have to meet Melanie. I think I should stop by Jack's.

I DON'T KNOW ~*#@ * that being a large scribble*

8801.18
  What the FUCK is Going ON?!!!!~

 I leave my class and go to Shawn's I needed to tell him I want to talk to him. I have so much I need to tell him. I go over and Jack is there and looking worried. Shawn is laying on the couch. Mike is a denium shadow in the kitchen. He, Mike, says
     "It would be best for you to leave and come back later." I said okay and left. What else could do? The room was GRIM as hell the only happy one was the dog.
     I went to Kwik Shop where I knew Jay was working. I bought a Reece's peanut butter cup and welche's grape soda. Jay said,
     "Guess who's moving to LA tonight."
     "Mike?"
     "No, Shawn."
     I leave and Jacks car is leaving and I run to try and catch up and I am far behind. I couldn't tell who was in the car. I didn't want to go back to the apartment. I can't lose Shawn again. I got in my car after hurling the purchased goods and thought to chase them down but thought that I should be here if anyone should call. On my my way over I decide to call over there. I get here I call.
     "Hello." It's Mike.
     "Is it later yet?"
     "Excuse me. Could you say that again."
     "Is it later yet? Can someone talk to me ... It's me Mike, Bret."
     "Oh, You may as well not come back over."
     "What's going on?"
     "Shawn just left me."
     "That's what I thought Jay told me. He's going to California."
     "We'll see, Jack is taking him to the bus station now."
     "You sure you don't want me to come over." 
     "Yeah, I need some time alone. I need to think of what I'm going to do."
     "Okay, Call me if you need anything."
     "Thanks, I will."
     "I mean it, anything."
     "Okay. You'll be at home?"
     "Yes. all night."
     "Okay, bye."
     "bye." I hang up it's quite and I through my adress book across my room.
     I feel helpless and frantic and angry and alone. I don't know what's gong on and I see everything floating away.

     Oh God Help Me
     PLEASE ! !!!

8801.19

     Now it would appear Mike is gone and Jack and Jay have disappeared.

© April 2006 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)