Book 8 March 2 1987 to February 15 1990
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I'm real tired but I've been meaning to do this so I'm copying a few things here.
Happy 21st Birthday
My Dear Son
You were of course just an ordinary miracle, but ever since I was handed you a living heap of expectations, I have felt nothing but awe. You were my first born. A son whose life is separate from mine, whose will already follows its own direction. You have always given me more than you recieved. If I could teach you anything it would be acceptance and holy relish for life. Never seek justice in terms of vengeance and never follow a righteous mole. (or mob?) *My mother's hand writting isn't really good, but I've become good at deciefering it at times. Occationally there is still a word that escapes me.*
You are my wonder. God or that universal entity that surrounds us, gave you to me to enlarge my heart, bring smiles and loving to my life. Some have said "Boys will be boys" he forgot to add "Boys will be men".
You are now a man a beautiful man with a sensitive soul and a loving mind. I have always loved you but on this day I realize the depth of a mothers love never ends it simply flows deeper and the tide sweeps over her to refresh all those times when you were inside her womb warm and content and now it soothes the fears, the threats the uncertainties that may be in your way.
I love you Bret
Now and for Always
Mom
To Bret
HEED THE MAN INSIDE
There's a man inside of the man that you are,
And he's bigger than you, Yes! Bigger by far;
And he's checking you up in every way,
And for each transgression he makes you pay;
And for each good deed he will pay you
A reward far beyond the price that is due.
So be good to him and respect this man
Believe in his judgement, nor fear his ban.
There's a man inside the man that you are;
If you listen to him you will travel far;
So listen and heed; don't be a fool,
And do what you do by the Golden Rule,
And build the man as you would a ship,
Sturdy and true for life's service trip;
And trust him well, he's your compass and guide,
And ever respond to the man inside.
- - James Heron
From Grandpa Jones
This was in his papers, and He'd want to tell you to heed the Man Inside.
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Then She said wait longer
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From a letter Jason sent. I got it today, he wrote it on they 4th and it's for my B-DAY.
". . . . Congrats on burning the glove. Many people never get the chance or aren't brave enough to ever do that. More power to ya. About telling friends though - I don't know ... In my opinion its none of their business unless somehow it becomes vitally important. I realized long ago that not only does the fact not change you as a person but it is also part of your person. And I love you so I must love that in you also. However, many people might treat that fact as a flaw or separate part of you as opposed to a component of your being. You are sensitive to people's needs so I am sure it reciprocates into being sensitive of their perhaps cruel treatment of this. I guess I'm just saying that you should be prepared and realize . that anything could happen when you tell someone. Just remember that I love you no matter what - and that believe it or not, counts for something.
Good luck. Well, enough of Jason's Philosophical Drivel - . . . "
-----------------------------------
Thank you Jason. I know now that you did know and you do understand. You are one of the best the world will know and I'm glad to be your brother.
I sit behind the rocks bravely cowering there, dreaming of armour eating bugs, acid secreting snakes and energy draining monsters. I look around the ruins of the castel walls and realize now that they have fallen I'm afraid to leave their confines. My heart still bleeds from the archers wounds and I still have bruises from the Strangers staff.
"Why me, when he was the Archers?"
I am in the waste lands. I haven't seen anyone for days. Not the Archer, the Stranger or anyone. I keep thinking I've seen Death Dealer but if I had wouldn't he know?
I find myself crying dry tears into each sunset as I still find myself
alone.
Detailed plot of Opera *I 'wrote' an Opera. I took Songs that I liked and visualized video's to go with them that would all form one story - this is a first draft, the songs and the 'plot' change a little later.*
Rainbow
start with quick collauge of early childhood.
begin with OH standing at window watching lightening *OH stands for Our Hero*
Moving out into room singing looking ut into window seeing past nd storm
"Do demon's let go" looking into mirror then to pictures of BF *BestFriend*
Changes the angles and emphaze his being alone in a small dark room.
Back to the window (only lightening no rain)
End with him sitting in window sill.
Well I wonder
BF open door OH smiles and they leave house.
Out reiding Motorcycles, going to markets, visiting with friends
Many scenes of them and others Sparing. All scenes revolve around BF and/or OH and the way they feel toward each other. OH lonelyness
As the rain begins each "play" in the rain, running home and goodinf of ending with BF's W *Woman* on door steep and them running off.
Rain again
OH goes up stairs and to window. He see's BF and W running and being lovers in rain. He begins to sing and day dreaming
Men on the Beach and he and one walking hand in hand whispering to each other and getting close. One generic man who we never see the face of but whoes body "changes shapes" last fantasy getss really hot, man pulls back and it's BF
back to window OH, tears and shame as he sings and fade to black looking out window
Oh Mother
Mom enters and puts Son to bed and he sings in bed awhile
Getting dressed, razor and running sink water (suicide) Mom helps with tie on TUX
At wedding Bride (pregnate) and BF is groom.
On dance floor at reception W askes OH, why on own tonight.
When sleep alone comes he pulls away and walks to bathroom, Looking in Mirror talks to self then looks out to see Groom Bride dance OH sinks to floor and sings . Then scenes of "soil" over head
Dark
Rice throwing
The Rain
At home in bed the Dark
mom pulling sheets up
Dreaming of men shovelling dirt.
Running is a Dream
Whispers in the dark
Standing in the dark Men come and put white coat and take off
Driving limo OH gets out enters Opera House company is a mirror
"Things start" locker room scenes with OH grown an erection
Suicide scenes
Follow lyrics abit.
"When lights on" show him as one person then anothr (the one people see)
House with Window broken is BF house.
Running still, switch self Show him running then freeze frame and change then run freeze ect.
Never had no one
Grab coat and leave
Late at night
OH walks and sings and camera moves around and shows him alone and the pain OH feels
Reaches BF house and sings - can see silouetts in house
Camera goes around and around and shows distance and lonely~ness
OH walks on, runs alittle and then walks and whistles tears begin to well up.
OH sits in corner and begins to cry. Camera very slowly pulls back and begins to fade to black
In Air Tonight
Man comes around corner sees OH Walks toward him and offers a hand, OH takes it.
They begin to walk and talk.
Stanger tells OH he saw his little spot infront of the house and he knows he's gay. OH is both scared and excited They get closer and hug.
OH pulls back and says he remembers him (a fight in front of Bar w/ BF) (flash back alittle) Still they get closer
MAMA
OH goes home to mom of his love. First looks to Stranger and sings of not being able to resist temptation
Then he starts to talk to his Mother, She doesn't want to listen but OH makes her sit and listen finally it . is said after some beating around the bush.
She then slaps him and laughs oand OH moans in shock and pain.
OH chases after and pleads for understanding she ignores him. When he things he's getting through She leaves he pleads, she slaps again.
In room OH crys and sings, then gets up and begins to leave and MA tries to stop and OH mearly hits her but he leaves. He begins to walk to Stranger and then he walks aways and he pleads and rmemebers mother pleading OH not to go.
How Soon
On street corner, cars passing in a daze, he sings
OH gets up and walks in park still in daze then runns into Mohawk and shouts "I human" bit. He smiles and shows him around park. They becoame quick friends. Mohawk tells of club,
Oh goes, leaves, Home, cry, suicide secene, *
but he leaves argues w/ mom goes again walking Streets In give's up hope again and leaves. Out of streets again OH walks and then begins to whistele hears one behind is BF
They talk smiles and happiness
BF saw from where he left argue begins anger
fight starts but OH lays BF flat and yells "I human"
Then leaves with tears and reluctantly enters the bar again.
Side 2
I went over to Jack and Jays. Jay was asleep bu Jack and I talked awhile. We went driving and Jack took me through Gage park and "showed me the ropes". Embarassing but fun.
Jack also told me that Shawn had told him I was gay about a month after he found out. If I ever see Shawn again and I'm not still in love with him I'll kill him for that.
I told Danna tht I was gay today. It came up in conversation. I told her not to tell Brian so I don't get fired. I also told her about my being scared to tell Marc. When I left them Donna and Marc were at the store with Brian proceeding to down coolers. I hope she doesn't tell him while they're drunk, especially in front of Brian.
I'm going to bed.
I tried to cry. It doesn't work that way. I pulled my hair but didn't know why. I thought of sitting in the grass and looking up to the night sky and screaming. But I wasn't motivated enough. Truth is I don't know what I feel and I don't know what to do.
I don't have the guts to tell Marc I'm gay. I don't even have the guts to go to the club and met people. Maybe I want to be alone. No, that has to be a lie, all I want is for someone to love me. I think what it could be is I'm really very afraid of loosing Marc's friendship. I'm just very scared.
I'm a chicken-shit. I don't know what I feel.
I finally told Marc. He got so quite I'm scared. I really have no idea what he was thinking.
I was sitting there and I kept thinking I should tell him. If I don't now, I never will. All I have to do is say something to lead to it, say anything.
"What day is it date wise?" I knew it was the 16th, I knew I'd been putting this off for 15 days. But it was something.
"The 15th." Marc said
"The 15th?" I asked knowing it was wrong.
"Yeah, No." he said stumbling as he was taking out the vacuum.
"The 16th, Yeah. It's the 16th."
"That's bad." I said.
"Why's that bad?" He asked. Here it was, live or die. I could make up something stupid. I could still chicken out. What do I say?
"It means I've been putting off telling you something for 15 days." I'm trapped now. Or an I, I could still lie about what. Tell him something.
"Put off telling me what?" he asked.
"I ..." I shut off. I stare into space. I can't say it and there is no way to back out. What now? Say it, I think but I can't.
"Look you can tell me anything" he says as he goes into the closet to fish out more vacuum. "Just don't tell me you're a faggot." he says with a grin as he comes back out.
"That's exactly what I want to tell you." Boom! It's said. Marc's grin fades but I know he was thinking 'a joke right?'
"You're a fag, huh?"
"No," I said, still numb but obviously reacting to the word. "I hate that word. I'm gay." Locked in, suddenly I felt a little brave and time seemed to flow very fast. Marc's face I can't remember, I don't think I was looking but I know there was no smile. He sat down just kind of drop/setting the vacuum . down around his feet.
"I tell you this so you won't have to hear it from somebody else. I know you've had your suspicions because you and Brian, when you were drunk, once begged me not to be."
"I don't remember that." Marc said. "How long have you had this revelation?" His voice sounded so, dead.
"About five years" I pulled the number out the thin air. It happens to be the time I told Mom, but I knew before then. I wrote it, in code, in (middle school?). It got very quite. I got very scared. I'm still scared. I may have just ruined the best friendship I've every had. It was still quite, Marc hadn't moved. I don't think I was able to lift my eyes from the floor. I was nervous and the quite didn't help.
"Do you have any questions?"
"No" came back speedily and I felt stupid because I think the question came out wrong, like a drill Sergeant asking a private if there were any questions over an order. I wanted it to sound like I wanted to talk about it and know he felt. If he was mad or angry; sad, pitiful or happy. Anything but the silence was killing me.
"I guess I'll let you get to your vacuuming ... I have to go home and type Mom's Bib." I stood and Marc began to also. "I'll see you later."
I said it as a statement but it was more of a question. Marc got up and said "Yeah."
As I was leaving I said "Say hi to your Mom for me ... and Robin ..." Caesar *his cat* was coming up the drive and I bent down and said "Hi Caesar." and he bolted and ran away.
I got into my car and realized I couldn't hear Marc anywhere in the house now or as I was leaving. I had began to think of all the different ways I could have told him, maybe a better way. All diverged from "Just don't tell me you're a faggot." and the word faggot echoes in my head now.
I was sick now. My stomach was churning and I just felt bad. I have nailed Marc to the cross and betrayed him. I am now, to him, what he has hated most.
I went home and typed Mom's Bib. after Marty left, Mom asked,
"Why do you feel so sick?"
"I just told, Marc. It made my stomach all upset."
"Why did you tell him today?"
"Because I'd been putting it off for 15 days."
"I didn't know you had some time limit on this." She never did understand what this was all about. Truth is I'm not sure I do either. I don't know why I . felt so strongly about telling Marc. I could have gone without telling him. but it wouldn't have felt right.
"What did he say?" she asked.
"Nothing really. I'm not sure he believed me." I think that statement was more hope then anything else.
I typed the Bib.
Howard Faulkner is back in town. I finally got a hold of him tonight and talking to him made me feel better. He and Herb are going to try and make it to the shop sometime. Should be fun. I need to sleep I think. Like yesterday, I don't know what to feel or think anymore.
Have I written the dog is dying? Parvo. Slim chance she'll pull through.
*To this day Marc and I laugh about this.
"My friend is obviously in some kind of pain and I'm just trying to lighten the mood with a joke. Wrong joke, I felt like such a jerk afterward." He said. Honestly without that kind of lead in, I don't know that I would have been able to say it at all. I had to have that little push. It took some adjusting for us both after that, but as you can see, it all worked out.*
Dog's alive. *she will continue to live about another 15 years, she died I think at the age of 16 or 17*
Living in a Dream
But Dreamings the easy part
Big Dream's don't Sleep
They Rip you apart
Living in a Mystery
But Living is the easy part
Keeping your eyes open
Loving with the passion of life
Living in lonelyness
But lonelyness is the easy part
Never put forth an effort
Nothing comes easily
Dreaming Mysteries Alone
Spinning Dreams in the DarkLiving in mysteries
Where nothing seems the same
Dreaming of Heroes
Wishing for Love
Staying in Darkness
Damming Heaven Above
Judging from Hell
Your doing Well
If only you could stop Dreaming
And Start Living
Putting forth and effort
And putting up with the tears
Living in a Dream
Dreamings the easy part
Living in a Mystery
Finding out what's there
Living in Love
Big Dreams don't Die.
Big Day in Grand Opening. Much was great yet I continued to find it harder to contain my lusts. I am attracted to many people physically and I think I'm staring more then I used to.
I have this want to masterbate and spray myself with cold water mist and imagine I'm with another near a shore of rapids or at the base of a waterfall. I want to drag out a few of the old magizines.
Goodnight.
8707.24 considered
My fortune cookie read "Make up your mind and do what you want to do."
"There should be a 'Damn it' at the end of that." Brian said and every-body chuckled.
I went and saw Shawn at the Bank afterward. He heard me knock at the window (Surprise!!) and we talked. I took him to B.E.'s *Bare Essentials - the lesbian oriented bar at the time* and I went in also. They left to go to the Lambda *Lambda - the gay bar at the time. I can only assume "they" was Shawn and Reva his best friend* (Shawn asked me again if I wanted to go. Reva told me I should.) I came home. I wanted to, but not with Shawn. I didn't have the will. It took 15 days to tell Marc, it will probably take 15 to make it to the bar.
Good advise but not a fortune.
Briefly because I'm tired.
I slept with the Mike next door to Grandma yesterday. (Whoopee. I doubt it will happen again.)
I saw Mike *this would be of Mike and Shawn* today for about a half hour of visit. He made a lude remark and said he was teasing. I'm staying away for awhile again.
While helping Jack and Jay move Friday and Saturday (7.31 & 8.01) I met Wayne (Although cute, and taken) he reaffirmed my faith in Gays. What I'm looking for is out there.
Went to a party with Marc and Brian (Cowen). I enjoyed it (8.02). Marc seems okay but I still wonder (paranoya?)
Jason's home. Many things float through my head to write about but I am tired. I've been busy lately. Not so much with things to do but that I'm out, and somewhere the time is lost.
" I am the whisper of the wind and I call your name in loneliness. Let me lie here and hold you, I ask no more." he said. So I lay there with his invisible hands caressing me like a gentle breeze.
8708.23 considered
Ahh, the trivial pursuits of a teen age love life at 21. Schooll starts tommorrow, wonder what will happen then. maybe .. .. no .. .. it will never happen. Ahh, the cinicizim of old age.
It's been so long and yet it all remains the same. Memories of Shawn William McGee haunt me everywhere I go. Yet I don't think I love anymore, but the memories of what could have been follow me.
Shaving this morning I remembered the time he shaved me to keep my beard off my face. I again think about shaving my beard off for Halloween so I can be . Danger Mouse. I remember last Halloween when Shawn went out as Clark Kent. How overjoyed he was at thinking up that idea, and how I lost my beard to make-up that year and went out as a genie instead of an accident victim. I consider how I will have to cut my hair to be Danger Mouse, and how Shawn always wanted me to cut my hair. I wonder if I'm still thinking of this for him.
In the rain yesterday I remembered our walk in the rain. The hug he gave me when we were drying off. The way his voice sounded when he smiled or had a suggestive giggle. Now I tell myself that is when I should have kissed him and submitted to his will, that I never would have regretted it. But I was to scared, to unsure and plain unready.
Why couldn't he wait just a little longer? Not even until my birthday. I was ready then, I felt it was time I was ready to say the words I love you. This the moment I remember most often. How "I love Mike" took the place of I love you. How my heart sank and I valiantly tried to say "You weren't ready yet anyway, Bret. You were still unsure." I feed myself bullshit until I choked and realized I should be sad, but then it was to late.
Thinking of Shawn and how he made me feel. Thinking of Shawn and the way Mike made me feel. Why did I do that? Was I stupid? Misdirected? Trying to be vengeful? Just horny? I think ,
No I didn't that's just it.
The other night Jack took me to the Dug Out *a sports bar* then to the Club *that would have been the Lambda* . There Brad Ott came over and said "Oh, I like that." and he started to pull on the tuft of hair around my navel. I had to hit his hands to make him go away. His hands reminded me of Shawn. But I hated Brad with a passion because of his connection to Shawn *Brad was Shawn's ex*. I asked Jack if we could leave. He introduced me to a couple more people, whom I never even really looked at, then we did leave. I think I'm scared to met someone I know I might have a chance with. I keep thinking about Shawn and the way I did love him, but not anymore, and the things he says,
"Why do you keep coming by here?" even Mike said it awhile back.
"Why do you keep coming back."
Because I ... I ... I ...
I gotta go, goodbye.
I ... I ... I ... I'm sorry I,
I ... I ... I ... goodbye.
I felt unwanted when they say that. I feel used. "We're finished now, you can go." Shit.
© April 2006 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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