Book 8 March 2 1987 to February 15 1990
| 8706.12 | 8706.13 | 8706.16 | 8706.18 | 8706.19 |
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8706.12 considered
This blue slab *the subject divider in the notebooks* has almost always been a major change of one sort or another. I hate it for being right this time. Why am I so weak willed? Everything I've been standing on is gone.
After two days of masturbation fee life, I blow it (no pun intended).
After planing so hard on July 1st it comes around early. Jason leaves tomorrow. It didn't look like I'd get the chance to talk to him but I did catch him for a few minutes. *This is my Brother Jason - Loki in other entries*
"Jason, can I talk to you a minute?"
"Sure!" he sat down and started to write a check for cash.
"I have something I want to tell you because you won't be here on my birthday and I think you should hear it from me instead of from someone else or in a letter."
"Okay, what?"
I stopped. The words were choking in my throat. I didn't know how to say it. *I had NEVER said before. Shawn and I talked about it but I never said it before*
"Your brother be gay."
"I know that."
"I figured you suspected but I thought you should know."
"Does mom know?"
"She'd better. I told her when I was 16 and she told me to keep it under my hat."
"Hmmm, Okay."
"Thanks for taking it so well."
"No problem. I've coped with worse." he said and left. *I wonder what he meant by that?*
I'm not sure he heard me, at all. At the time I was relieved it was so easy. Now I'm annoyed.
Then ...
I tried to mow Grandma's yard. Lawn mower quit. I invited Mike to come by. We missed each other at first but then I found him at his house.*that would be Shawn's and his house* We went back to Grandma's. We sat in the basement because it was cooler. We talked, we drank Root Beer. Mike made a pass and I let him. A little of this, a little of that, I didn't resist much and when I did it wasn't for long. Mike did most of the work and I felt guilty. I sucked his dick a little, he sucked mine a lot. He sat on my dick. Yes, I fucked him.
Nothing that happened to my dick much excited me, but I loved the way he felt. Soft and smooth, no hair on his body. Laying next to him and holding him, feeling his skin. The kissing wasn't great but the licking was. Kissing his tits and navel ect. The hugging. I held him close a lot, I felt safe there. I liked it when we were quite and just close.
Shawn was nowhere close in my mind. Maybe the apartment was all that stopped me. I still don't think I was ready. I still don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. Now, I'm almost certain it was a mistake.
8706.13 considered
Had a nice midnight chat with Marc. One of those talks that always mean a lot to me. We talked about nothing in particular. We start with what have you been doing, move into what do you want to do and end up speaking about philosophy, meditations, phycology, sign language, Memories, Dads, Dreams - anything and everything.
The same words I told Mike last night come to mind. "I'm scared." Scared of losing everything.
Speaking of Mike ... I don't feel guilty in any way other then I know I should. I have done something wrong and I don't feel one way or the other. (But I'm getting a hard-on thinking about it).
Dad took me to dinner and to a movie. Spaghetti and Predator. The thing he seems most upset about is that Jason left without saying goodbye. *Jason was at and actors summer camp*
I'm going to try walking down the stairs now. Walking down.
Life is like it always was and that makes me feel cold. Mike and I speak like nothing has changed. When analised we know this not to be true. We lay together and committed crimes of passion. Yet I felt to guilty to enjoy the acts, perhaps the same is true for Mike.
When analysied closer we see that actually nothing has changed. Mike and I are freinds and he is the lover of the man I love but who doesn't love me back. Everyday brings a change and life continues. A change occurred and life goes on.
Life is the same as it was and it makes me feel warm sometimes. The day after I went to see Shawn, Mike was there, and I wanted to see how the tensions held. Shawn spoke to me, he henpecked Mike alittle, made jiokes, smiled and laughed. He was in good spirits as he had been before Mike and the job. I want to do nothing to jeapordize the smile I saw there that day. All that I thought was gone came back in a rush.
"Shawn, come here a minute. Hey, if you ever break-up with Mike give me a call, sexy." I imagined saying on my birthday.
I began to remember the day he told me of Mike. Searching him out on that bitter cold day ready to tell him I loved him enought to drop my glove. Finding him in those funny sunglasses with that new hair cut that made him look so sexy. I remember him getting in the car and smileing. I remember feeling every bit of the wind chill and the frozen ice as . we walked up to Henderson and he told me about Mike. I remember thinking, in Dallas, I'll never feel his arms around me again.
I remember laying in the dark in Dallas hugging myself as the Cure played on the headphones and wanting to cry. I feel a lump in my throat now and wonder why I'm not crying now. I must love you Shawn I can't stop thinking about you.
World is jus the same and feel beaten and defiant.
"Oh, come on, Bret. I bet you have some cute little blonde waiting for you at home." Shut up Holly.
"Not really blonde and deffinately not waiting for me." Don't let it slip, don't cry now.
"I'm sure soneone else will come along." Shut up Holly, just Shut up.
I feel defiant and badly beaten.
I have my tanning membership and two weeks paid up. Soon I will begin to work out again. I haven't masterbated in two days. I do not want to begin again.
*I really need to point out that what follows is a FICTICIOUS "interview" with the Character in my mind that I adopted as a name sake. The name had always be an idea of Honor and Betrayal - Dicodomies in a person. I took the name, and the character developed into more and an on going story in my head that often mirrored my own struggles to make sence of things I could rationalize, or justify (just not both) and was struggling to put into a place in my own life.*
J. BJ. Scarriot is a man of many contradicting sides. Singer, Pornografer, Writer, Philoped, Artist, Assassin, Hero.
How can one man be all these things and live with himself?
"I am able to live with myself because nothing I do contradicts . my sence of right."
One could understand this statement if divorsed from the history of the man who said it. This man is an artist extradinare having won vast aclaim for acting on stage and screen under numerous names. His talent doesn't stop on the stage but goes behind as well having won Tonys, Oscars (Music) and nominations for work behind as well as in the performing arts. Novels and books of every sort also top his list of achievements. His work with childrens cartoons, books and thousands of charactes would seem to make him worthy of the title Americas greatest hero which he earned as the lead singer Mimic of the Band Hero.
But Rencently america was shocked to find another side to its hero. A star and writer of Homosecual pornography, a lover who was greatly underage for quite sometime, and also charges of assassination.
"You where a pornographic star of gay films ..."
"I am a star of gay prono film. I am working on a film now."
"Don't you feel exploited?"
"No. I do this willingly and I enjoy it, that's why I'm good. I don't alow people to work with me unless they want to be . in the bussiness. Many of the teenagers I tunred off the street and away from prostitution and such aproached me on the sets asking for jobs. I knew what they really needed was mony, love and place to stay. I sent them o Children of the Night and many other safe houses for runaways."
"Speaking of Children ..."
"Your going to ask about Rober arent' you?"
"Yes."
"We are very much in love. He supports what I do and i support him in his ventures. He's graduating from NYU in the top 5% of his class and has many job offers from prominate research ficilites. He was, and is a child genius. What more do you need to know?"
"I think you know what I'm asking about. Robert's credentials are not in question. His intellegents is great, it should be in order to finish College with Two Doctorates by the age of 19."
"Uh, uh."
"Who long have you two known each other?"
"Nine years."
"How long have you been lovers?"
"He expressed an interest Eight years ago, We became lovers Seven years ago."
"That would mean you started to see Rober in a sexual capacity when he was 10 or 11 and you were ..."
"22. Twice his age then. Now I'm only 1/3 older then is. It boils down to an 11 year age difference."
"It boils down to statitory Rape and child molestation."
"Robert was willing. I was resistant. I knew these things but love won out over everything else."
===
"What about the charges of Assassination"
"Haven't you been watching the trials?"
"Yes."
"Then what do you need to know?"
"Why did you kill people for $2Ø,ØØØ plus expensise?"
"I got paid because it was a service and I could put the money to good use. I killed because there was the need. I never killed anyone I didn't think deserved it. I killed mob leaders, pimps, drug pushers and men that corrupted the system I was trying to help."
"How did you chose your victims?"
"I would be contracted. I would research the contractor then the "victim" as you put it. If I thought the person deserved to die I fullfilled the contract. If I had doubts or felt he had more worth living I turned down the contract."
"You were Judge jury and Executioner."
"Only because these people never . would have seen any of those."
"How many contracts did you recieve?"
"Thousands."
"How many did you fill?"
"About ten. One or two every year."
====
====
I bought Marc his birthday present. I'm afraid it maybe the last gift I give him. I'm afraid I'll lose his friendship.
Mike tells me not to worry. He says Marc will be stunned and distant for awhile, but then he'll come around. His best friend did. But that was his best friend. I don't want to see that lightning in Marc's eyes again. I don't want to see that emptiness in his eyes again either.
"It will all work out." She whispers in my ear. The Bitch, what does she know?
Maybe it all will work out. Maybe it will all be as easy as it was telling Jason, Maybe, maybe not.
I bought some silly looking tapes for Shawn. Fruit flavored blank tapes. I thought he'd like them, I left them with Mike. I have funny feelings about Shawn, too.
Good Night.
To many unnamed emotions. Numb is to broad. He did it again.
He looked at me with those eyes and I melted away. I was determined not to let it happen again. But it rained and I got hyper and began to act like a child. Then the rain went away and so did my energy. He made a pass and I tried to resist but all I did was stall.
I had him content with sitting on the couch, snuggling and being calm. He began to stare and I began to catch my hand going places it shouldn't. Then he looked at the clock and called Shawn. I rolled over and as I listened I stare at a spot of light on my leg. I listened to them talk, he was so nice and sweet, his voice so seductive and I wished I was he so I could talk to Shawn. Shawn told him he would be home in about an Hour. I thought I was safe and I began to think of Shawn more. "I want your Sex" by George Michael's came on and I wanted to cry because of what I was doing to Shawn. Then Mike sat with me and asked what was wrong. I couldn't tell him again I loved Shawn. He may have forgotten I said it to him before. I told him I felt guilty because I was thinking of Shawn now. He told . me not to think of Shawn or feel guilty. I told him I couldn't help but think of Shawn, "The only time I don't think of Shawn is when you're on top of me."
He got up and buttoned his pants back up (he dared me to take it out so I did and left it alone). I started to get up and he took my hand (I thought to help me get up). I started to go to my shoes but he didn't let go of my hand and began to lead me to the bed room. I tried to stop but he pulled me in and hugged me. He began to undress me and I tried to keep them on but it wouldn't happen. He was naked and my pants were around my knees and I said stop. I turned around and reached for my pants. Mike stopped me and tried to hug me more but I wouldn't turn around.
"Turn around."
"No, if I do, I know I won't be able to turn around again."
Two strong hands grabbed my shoulders and turned me around into a hug. A warm soft, caring hug.
Soon we were naked on the bed. I stopped and lay my head on his stomach and said I wanted to stop. He said no in a soft kind voice and started to fondle me. He grabbed . the Vaseline. I broke away and sat separate from him. He reached over to me and put Vaseline on my dick. I fucked him and I liked it more then last time. I was on top I did the work and it felt good. when I was finished I lay on him and wanted to cry again.
Then he lubed up and told me to relax. He told me to think of my favorite place to be and think I was there. I thought of a hug - first with Mike, then with Shawn. I thought of saying stop but I had gone to far now. I kept thinking Shawn would walk in.
"Relax, think of your favorite place."
Up on Burnets Mound with the wind caressing my body and the sun shining on my skin.
"Tell me if it hurts."
And he fucked me. It hurt alittle, but never any more then in the bathroom by my self. When he was finished I asked him to lay on me. I just wanted to feel him. He told me to relax and I could feel him shaking a little.
I was feeling numb but thinking of Mike and Shawn. Guilt was there but it wasn't heavy. I lay there on my stomach and even with Mike on me I felt alone. I said I should go home.
Mike got up and went to get a rag. I still lay there, ... numb? Finally I sat up on the edge of the bed, (The one I always thought I'd sleep on with Shawn) and stared at a drop of water hanging on my limp dick. I felt nothing I just stared. Mike picked my head up with the cool rag and asked if I was okay. I stood up and he cleaned me off and I helped clean him a little. I got dressed and we hugged and kissed a little. I went to the living room and put on my shoes. He told me to relax, I tried to crack a joke. He told me to think of my favorite place and relax.
I drove home and I stopped. I stared into space and realized I hadn't turned on my radio. I started the car and drove to Marc's. I don't know why. I guess I thought I was supposed to. He wasn't there and I thought about that and Burnetts Mound and the stinging//burning sensation in my ass. I left thinking to leave before Marc came home. This time I turned on the radio, but it didn't sound right so I turned it off. I thought about that new song of George Michael's and how the Cure's "Lets go to bed" was playing when Shawn was trying to get me to sleep with him. I should have. Then I wouldn't be worrying about . Mike. poor shot.
All this time though, I don't know what I'm thinking. Unnamed emotions. Numb is to broad and I think incorrect. Guilt isn't right either but it should be.
I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I'm tired.
Everything is the same as it always was. But I'm shitting alittle funny. I can sit sit down. I am still tired and unsure.
The invulnerable man feels no pain. He can't be hurt, he is separate from humanity locked in a room without a view he can't participate in like because there is no pain. No pain. No Joy.
He doesn't need to breath. He doesn't need to eat or have his blood circulate. He can sleep in the depths of a volcano with molten rock flowing over his body and in his lungs. He can sleep but he doesn't dream and he feels cold because there is no pain.
He has roamed the earth for centuries. He has climbed the highest mountains and fallen off the highest cliffs. He was never hurt, he can't be. He has swum the deepest oceans and walked on their . pressured depths. All for what? No Pain. No Joy. Just numb.
Nothing has lasted as long as he has. He once prized a diamond but watched it wear away and disappear from his affections. It never returned his affections but it gave him focus and unity. He thought a diamond would last as long as he would. He was wrong and it vanished. He felt no pain, at least he won't admit it. He is inveneralble, there is nothing that can hurt him.
Nothing can hurt him. Not the vacuum of space, the surface of the sun or the gravity of a black hole. The lonely cold vacuum of space is something to swim through and relax in. The heat of the sun only makes him seem to glow. His naked form baths in the energy and he feels no pain. A black hole can pull at him forever and pull him in any direction but he won't come apart. He rides the flow helplessly and lands were it spits him out. He feels no pain. No Joy.
His hair is white, his soul black an his eyes gray. He can feel no pain. Nothing can hurt him because he can't dream, doesn't need to cry and can't get past the numbness. Nothing can hurt him but ... but that stupid diamond. He can't have it. He can't feel pain. He is invulnerable.
Yeah, right.
WAR / the HORRORS of WAR /
RED SKYS / RAINING FIRE /
HAILING BULLETS / CHILDRENS TEARS
GENERALS GRIN / THINKING THEY
CAN WIN / SOLDGERS SO GRIM /
THERE FUTURE SO DIM
Living in a mystery.
Today was Marc's Birthday. He didn't seem to happy, his car broke and he couldn't find his family for lunch. His Dad is gone.
Still this wasn't so bad as the time his family was in Pnapay and he was living with his Grandparents. 18th I believe, or was it earlier ? He was on his bed crying because at his every attempt to met with friends his Grandparents said no because it was wrong, unasked or involved alcohol. I can remember those tears and his look up saying
"This is the worst birthday I've ever had."
Shawn O'Brien says he's hot on the mystery of my glove. "I've been thinking about it. Looking up words and going over the clues. I'm going to figure it out." Good luck.
WAR / THE HORRORS OF WAR
RED SKYS / RAINING FIRE
HAILING BULLETS / FALLING ON THE
TEARS OF CHILDREN
TOXIC TEARS / NUCLEAR DREAMS
GENERALS GRIN / THINKING THEY CAN WIN
SOILDGER SO GRIM / FUTURES SO DIM
MARCHING TO DEATH / DESOLATE PLAINS
DESPERATE BRAINS / PASSIONS FLAME
COMPASIONS DIE / OLD MEN CRY
GROWN MEN BLEED / YOUNG MEN DIE
CHILDREN FIGHT / BABIES ARE BORN
AND MOTHERS CRY
WAR / THE HORRORS OF WAR
WAR IS HELL / WITH FREEZING FIRES
AND STONE FILLED HÆARTS / TORTURE
DEATH / PAIN / HATRED / DENIAL
SEE THE SOILDGERS MARCH / DIE
BRAINS ON FLOOR / HEARTS RIPED OUT
SEE THE MOTHERS CRY / WIDOWS
BABYS IN ARMS / HEARTS RIPED OUT
SEE THE CHILDRENS EYES / ALONE
INNOCENTS LOST / HEARTS RIPED OUT
PAIN / FIGHT TO LIVE
DENIAL / FIGHT TO DIE
INNOCENTS DIE / NO ONE'S IMUNE
ALIVE BUT UNAWARE / NUMB TO YOUR HEART
DEAD BUT DO YOU CARE / HEART RIPED OUT
THIS IS NOT A LOVE SONG
YOU WANT A WAR / THE HORRORS OF WAR
LOOK IN THE CHILDS EYE / DO YOU WANT TO DIE
DO YOU WANT TO DIE / IN THE CHIILDS EYE
DO YOU WANT A WAR / THE HORRORS OF WAR
YOUR HEART RIPED OUT/ NO ONE ABOUT
ALL ALONE / HEART OF STONE
MEMORIES NEVER DIE / DON'T FORGET
Living in a mystery / Creating Apathy
Feeling sorry for a dream / What's Society deem
I loose my head / Lieing in bed
Repeated in history / Living in a mystery
Each day is new / I don't know what to do
I am a bum / My brain is numb
I'm living in a mystery / I have no story
Excuses for my behavior / who is my savior
Lieing in the street / I feel so beat.
Why live for a new day / When your gay
Living in a mystery / going down in History
A number a fact / Reputation hacked
Lieing in bed / I think I'm dead
Who care's anyway / Nobody anyday
Livingin in a mystery / Feeling sorry
Sorry for having a dream
This was a nothing day. I left the game last night early (before twelve) so I could have all of my birthday and not have to rid myself of my glove in the middle of the game.
I was supposed to go home and wake mother so we could burn my gloves. *GloveS - I never threw out a glove after it was to worn to use. I saved them all and we where going to burn them all.* I had a second thought though and went to the bank to see Shawn. Bad move, I didn't need the pain. I got there at 12:15 I wanted the first words out of my mouth on my birthday to be "Hi Shawn." Well, he didn't get out until three and didn't hear me knocking. He came out and I said "H..."
"Your not, Mike." he said.
"No, I'm not. You want a ride home?" please, I thought.
"No, Mike is coming to get me."
The three hours I was waiting I figured the one thing I always wanted to say to Shawn was, "I'm sorry I never told you earlier but I love you a great deal. If you ever decide to leave Mike, give me a call, please."
I decided I was going to tell him that. But I didn't and I left before Mike got there. I told Shawn about the tape I left on the chair for Mike. I've pretty much decided I'm not going to see either of them again.
I went home and found a beautiful note on my bed with a pair of ear rings from Mom. I woke her and said thank you then we burned the gloves. Mom went back in before the fire died but I stayed. I wanted to watch them burn and crumble. As the last small flame danced over the ashes I knelt down and thought of Birthday cakes. I made a wish, I wished "Let me find someone and be happy." and I inhaled and thought of blowing when the fire suddenly stopped. I watched some smoke climb and let my breath come out as a heavy sigh. Then I stood and pissed on the ashes. I felt relieved as the ashes made an ugly dying hiss.
Then I went to bed and had the horniest most erotic dreams I've . had in quite some time. I awoke at 8:30 in the middle of a blow job just in time to stop from having sperm in the bed.
Mom put happy Birthday 21 Bret on three donuts, one which I had for breakfast. Mother and I chatted about trivial things. Then I mentioned that I should be home earlier because (she asked why) the guys would probably want to avoid me for awhile when they found out I was gay. "Oh, so you made up your mind about that now." Then she had the gall to tell me I shouldn't rush into the now and I should take it easy - basically wait longer. I told her I knew what I was doing and to drop it. -basically fuck off, I've waited long enough.
Then I went out on errands. I saw Grandma's, the girls at the flower shop *where I had worked* and Brian for my paycheck (not in that order). I got my hair cut very short on top. Then I went over to Shawn O'Brien's by demand to see how close he's come to figuring out the glove. He doesn't have half the pieces but he knows enough to solve it. He's making it to hard he wants to think to much. I spent most of the rest the day with him. Marc had left town. I couldn't talk to him. Made the day easier. But I'm still in the . same spot I was in before, even worse perhaps.
No one still knows I'm gay and most of my "gay world connections" are gone. I'm up shit creek and as usual, I'm alone.
Nothing happened, nothing was accomplished. It was a nothing day.
Happy 21st Asshole.
© April 2006 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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