Book 8 March 2 1987 to February 15 1990
| 8705.06 | 8705.08 | 8705.09 | 8705.10 | 8705.10b | 8705.11 | 8705.13 |
| 8705.20 | 8705.20b | 8705.21 | 8705.22 | 8705.23c | 8705.23 | 8705.25 |
| Back | 8705.31 | 8706.01 | 8706.02 | 8706.09 | Forward |
Tommorrows dead day and I have alot to do. Flower shop, two teachers, sign language with Brian, writing for Patti. Full day and I can't find my cat.
Shawn's going to rent me that film so I can watch it on Friday. I hope nothing goes wrong. I want to see it. Has Shawn McIvan in it, and many others. I know that's not a sentence but it makes sence to me. I still can't find my cat.
I wonder what Kale West would say to my watching gay porno. Maybe I'll ask him. He's been my work out coach and he's trying to get me to eat better, I like how he feels when he hugs me and i melt when he calls me 'lover'. I can't find my cat. I'm worried, he's the only thing i have to hold right now and he's gone. He won't asnwer when i call, he's not yelling to be let in. He's dinner bowl stands full and alone.
It would seem perhaps I've been stood up.
*Doctor was about 99% an indoor cat. There where a couple of years in the house during the summer when I was living in the basement that he would get out to the fenced in backyard for a few hours at a time.*
No more beating around the bush and trying not to write what I feel in the hopes of proving it doesn't exist. Damn it I'm still in love with Shawn ... or in love again ... I can't tell, all I know is I feel strongly for Shawn once . again. Again the more I look at him the cuter he gets. I love to watch his hands, the way he walks, ect. ect its all been in here before, it has to be.
Problems; Shawn is still head over heels for Mike. Shawn is begining to hate me because I want to be friends with Mike. Yesterday Mike came up in the conversation and Shawn said to me;
"So you want to be friends with Mike? Is that the deal?"
"I am friends with Mike that is the deal. Why?" I answered knowing full well everything he wat thinking.
"I don't want you to be friends with Mike."
He still thinks i'm trying to steal Mike from him. Why can't he realize I want to be clase to Him!?
If he'd have fallen in love with someone like Brad again or Bill I'd lose him like I did before. I didn't get along well with Brad or Bill, Shawn spends time with them, so I don't spend time with either. At thais point i just can't stand not to see Shawn, I make excuse to go see him.
Problems; I've begun to rethink everything that happened between Mike and I. I don't know what to think about Mike anymore. Actually I don't think about him at all unless . I'm thinking about him hurting Shawn. The way Shawns already starting to watch him and the way I keep seeing Mike acting in my head I think Shawn is headed for a fall. Plus I realize that at this point even if I told Shawn about Mike he would probibly think I was trying to split them up so I could be with Mike, Shawn would hate me for it any way it went. In that conversation at McDonalds I felt like screaming out that if anyone had anything to worry about it's Mike.
Shawn I think love you and constantly find myself censoring what I say to keep you from knowing that. I keep hoping you'll fall in love with me like I have with you. I keep remembering the time you said you slept with Bill to make me jealous. It worked! I seems to me you loved me at one time, what did I do to drive you way?! Was it my wanting to wait until I'm twenty-one? Was it because I'm scared about sleeping with anyone - I have the right to be I feel clumbsy and inept. Is it because I won't cut my hair and my beard? I tried.
You know Kale acts alot like Shawn but he doesn't look like him. I can't get him to stop acting like Shawn. I can't get Shawn out of my head.
*in the margin is written "T'POU" it's the name of a band I remember liking a lot; named after the Vulcan*
8705.09 considered
It is 1:00 or so and I have some heavy shit to lie down.
I spent two hours looking for the archer *Shawn* hoping to mend some of the wounds in my heart. I could not find him and it was this searching through the crowd that let my conscious brain, ignore the whisper in my ear of that familiar black woman as her stiletto heels clacked on the pavement.
At midnight there was a ringing in my ear, and in a black so thick all I saw was the time, I heard a murderous cry from my friend. Marc's voice was so tormented I felt his tears on my cheek through the electric wires - "My Dad is dead." he said. He didn't stutter, he didn't pause but to inhale, but the waiver of tears cracked in his voice.
The Bitch did it to me again. The wake of pain and the tide of tears that follow her are twenty times more dangerous then her approach or her presence. A man I admire more then any other was bent down on his knees with tears in his eyes and was quoted by Lynn *his current girlfriend* as saying "Fuck God." *Quickly here. Sammy is Marc's mother, Robin his younger sister, and Eric his older Brother*
I held him in my arms and told him to cry. Lynn clung to me and cried of how helpless . she felt. I told her being there was help enough for all. Sammy squeezed me tight and said, thanks for coming, thanks for being here, Please stick close to Marc. I told her it was never a problem to help and that I will watch over Marc (as much as he allows me) and that she can't forget that I am there for her also. Robin held my hand and said "I'm fine" she is numb and its wearing down. I told her everything will work out. Eric was in control, he shook my hand and asked how I was. He's bitter and a little angry - trying to be strong for the family. I'm worried because Marc seems to want to follow in Eric's footsteps.
When I left, Marc, held me tight and said nothing. I said "You know where I am. If you need me to talk to, cry on or yell at, I'm there, call me." There is so much more I want to say to him.
"Sleep now and dream. Know that your father is dead but don't remember him that way, remember the happy the sad, the bad. Let him live in memory but don't let it consume you. You will wake up tomorrow.
"Cry, Let your mother see you this way, let her see how deep your love for him is. Don't try to be strong and make her think you don't care."
I'm sure I'll think of more things to say. I'm sure I'll probably never get to say them.
I can hear her cackling as that wave of grief washes over the brow of the innocent.
James I Tolbert died aprox 6:00pm today in an airplane accident. The two bodies were burned beyond recognition. Eric Tolbert had just delivered Dental records for a positive I.D.
Marc Tolbert stood in his driveway wearing a blue T-shirt "Jamaica NO PROBLEM", navy blue sweats and white socks. With a questioning look and tears in his eyes he stared into the night sky and said to me "He's not hurt, Bret. He's dead and it doesn't seem real. It's more then my brain can grasp at this moment."
There was nothing I could say but I wouldn't let my hand leave his shoulder as he slumped down. I wanted him to know I was there.
"2 Topekan die in crash of light plane"
"... the pilot, Delone L. Bennett, 54, *address* and his unidentified male passenger, also of Topeka, were killed in the fiery wreck."
"The patrol withheld the name of the passenger because his widow . had not yet been notified by early today."
You BITCH! You're toying with them. She giggles,
"I am not."
Bullshit! You offer them the slightest ray of hope to which they don't cling but everyone throws to them.
"Even you." she said with a voice of ice *when I arrived I was still uninformed to the full nature of the accident. I actually tried to say that perhaps he was only injured. I felt really bad about that when I found out more. Felt like I'd rubbed salt in the wounds of people I loved*
I didn't know then about the accident and its circumstances. You made me fall for it once, not again. God, there was nothing left. Did you have fun with the matches? You didn't leave anything behind but the tail section of the plane.
"I caught them when they fell. They didn't burn then, they don't burn now." Her voice was so full of compassion and yet so harsh, like the sounds from an old school marm scolding naughty children.
What will happen to Marc now?
"I don't know. I don't think I have anything to do with him for a while." What do you mean "you think" ?
"There's always the off chance that he may come to me." No, not Marc. He wouldn't.
"You used to visit me." I was weak then, I stood you up on every date anyway.
"Marc has been dealt a blow, he is weak now, also."
Not that weak. He's a fighter, he'll recover.
"Why were you worried then?"
Because Marc loved his Father and has always had a deep seeded fear that his Father didn't know it. Now he may forever think he blew his chance to say 'I love you'. He may also think his Father hates him, for one most recent reason was his drunken fit the other night in which he stayed at Lynn's all night. Lynn tells me she thinks Marc my not have even seen his Father for a Day or day and a half before he died.
I am angry that his god is not doing anything for him.
"God has nothing to do with this."
I know but that's not what they tell him. I felt so angry that the Pastor was there and all he could muster to say was "Know in your heart that God is in control" He couldn't even add it's for the best. I felt so angry when I went into the basement and saw Marc sitting and making fists looking to the Pastor. Marc said "It'll be hard to wake up tomorrow ... if I can sleep tonight." and the Pastor stood and stared. All he could do was . stand there and stare. I kept thinking Do Something, Say something! I had things to say for every word he said but he was looking to Pastor, not me. It seemed he as waiting to hear the Pastor say something other than "In your heart know that God is in control" It also seemed that the Pastor knew of nothing else to say.
"How would you know what to say? You never lost your father."
I didn't really have a father, but I had a Grandfather. I know it was long ago and I really didn't realize how much I missed him until years later, but he was very important to me and I lost him. I know I can't understand what goes through Marc's head but I can sympathize.
"What else is nagging at you?"
I had nothing to offer Marc but my arms ...
You see he just Lost his Father. He loved his Father, and I always wished I had a father I could love as much as Marc loved his. Marc's father was a very kind and considerate man. I know this because he as one of the few to ever consistently call me, Damon. He always asked how I was, and he would often ask how Marc was. Marc lived with and loved this man, he knew him a hundred times better. Yet all I could offer . Marc were my arms. I couldn't offer him tears like Lynn. Even if I couldn't cry for James, I still couldn't cry for Marc or even for the loss I feel. I couldn't cry.
I can't remember if I cried for Grandpa either. I don't think I did. I haven't cried in so long, I'm not sure I can. People tell me it sounds just like laughing only worse. They're wrong, no one mistook last night for a party. I have laughed often, I know the sound. I have heard crying, it is very different.
~
------------- ~
The shop was awfully busy today. Mothers day is so nice.
I think in a month, I'll hear Marc cry again.
I drove to Scranton and back with Marc to try and find Lynn. She wasn't home and he was a little upset. When he was home we talked awhile in his room and he talked about his Dad and cried. Then just when I felt unable to confort him anymore - running out of things to say without sounding cliche' - I heard the magic words "Marc, Lynn is on the phone." Once she got there I left. Told him I'd be back tommorrow.
I have a lot I want to say and not time to say it. So, I'll say it very briefly then expand later.
Marc - doing better, Monolog some of his speech about his father. Funeral is Wednesday 11:ØØ.
Brian - Working in the shop has begun.
Faulkner - dinner Thursday and help on Friday.
Begun work on Opera - need to start swimming again. Laying out working out ect.
Good night - Math Final tommorrow.
James I. (Jim) Tolbert *In the journal I miswrote it as L.*
January 9, 1940 May 9, 1897
The cerimony was beautiful. Marc's Grandmother tried to preach church going to me. Marc looked sharp in his suit, but i didn't thalk much to him because he was bussy smiling and shaking everyone's hand.
I went by the house later and he wasn't there. Sammy said she wishes I'd have been there five minutes earlier. It seems Marc had an agruement with Lynn and so went for "a drive". I left a note on his care and a message with his mother - Come by anythime. Don't be afraid to wake me.
I have a confession to make.
I feel like a shit heel.
Although it never crossed my mind as it happened it did later and it still bothers me. I awoke one morning feeling as though I was being hugged by Marc. I liked it. I hugged Marc then because he needed the support and the love. But my lust is feeding off the memory.
I've begun to question motives again. I hate it when I doubt what I do.
I started a letter to Pat. I'll finish and mail it tommorrow.
*Oddly enough, I remember what this arguement was about, and that it lead to them breaking up. *
There have been alot of late nights the past few days. Working at Brian's shop and the one night I went to the bank and waited for Shawn to get off. I went because long ago he promised to rent me an all male porno tape and give it to me on a day I could watch it at home with no one around. He always forgot to get it, then school let out and the options of mornings increased and he still always forgot. Monday night he remembered but found out he can't get them because you have to go in durning the bars business hours and he can't because he's working. I should have known better, Shawn said yes, but not enthusastically.
I told him if it was a hassel to forget it but he said he would do it. Oh, well, so I'm out five bucks Shawn can use it more then I can.
Anyway, while I was waiting for him, for 12:ØØam to 2:5Øam, I was, I guess, mistaken for a prostitute because two guys in cars, one on foot and a drag queen tried to pick me up. The guys I could handle (as old and druged out as they were) but the drag queen was scary! I shouldn't complain, I made it in one piece.
I think Shawn is still trying to get rid of me. He mentioned Monday morning that his mother may take him to KCI instead. I really want to take him, it will probibly be the last time I see Shawn alone for along time. If this sluffing off continues it maybe the last time I see Shawn period. Whatever happens I'm going to try and get a banner that says "Welcome Home Shawn and Mike" in his Apartment. I won't drop by unless Shawn calls me at least untill after I'm back from Dallas which means I need to work on those directors sheets so I get the examples back to Shawn before then.
Marc is doing very well. Already the family is able to look through photo albums and laugh at the funny experiences they had with Jim. I'm really pretty surprised at how . quickly it happened but I'm not sorry for it.
Faulkner is gone and he said he would write me. If I don't hear from him in a week I'll write.
This morning instead of masterbating I watched the water ripple down my leg as I thought of absolutely nothing. Now I'm waiting for report cards. Why do I feel so strange and alone? I won't masterbate this month. I think I mean it.
Not so late tonight. Shawn's mom is taking him to KCI but I ordered the banner today - "Welcome Home Mike and Shawn". I should get it Saturday. I'm going to try and get ahold of Shawn Elliot so I can borrow his key.
Shawn moved the orange draped chair back into the living room. His place is arranged almost the same as it was when we first met. I remember him sitting in my lap. I remember fighting him off and leaving with a wet spot on my pants and breathing hard - damning my glove. I remember when he lay naked next to and on me. I remember his arms around me.
Why did you have to met Mike? Why couldn't you give me the chance to tell you I love you? Why didn't I say it sooner? Why can't I get over him . like I profess to have done? Why won't this erection go away? Because I keep thinking about that orange chair and the feelings Shawn gave me.
Shawn, I love you. I'm sorry I was never able to say it sooner but I was scared. I feel as though I'm being abandon and I'm back to envying Mike a great deal. I can't stand the way you seem to hate me now because I even know Mike. I'm sorry I tried to get close to him to get closer to you. I'm also sorry that you'll never know any of this.
Good night. I'm going to sleep and try to dream of someone else.
Someone I have a chance with.
This day just fell together perfect. Woke up, went and Signed with Bryan Crownover (and he there, on time). Went and changed a light for Grandma, went to wrok, left work found Shawn Elliot and he said he could give me the key tommorrow.
Only bad thing is this little screw up with my credit card. They say I only have $11.ØØ left on my credit. But I just made a $25.ØØ payment last week and I only have a $2ØØ.ØØ stero on the card. I thought my limit was $3ØØ.ØØ. I'll have to straighten this out.
That Shit was heavy.
Magizen racks from Lawerence.
Dad calling about Granda Ma T
Thoughts of Shawn
Considerations of Mike.
I got the key. Poster/Banner Tommorow and I'm set.
8705.23 considered
Ritch *younger brother of a friend* is one hell of a good-looking man! All night all i wanted to do was brush up against him or hold his hand. Tall, Strong and tan with a deep voice and dark brown eyes. I can barely keep my mind off him and I should. no chance in hell with him.
No banner. I'm going to do a mke shit tommorrow and forget the other. I won't let this plan fail. It is very late and I'm going to bed.
2:ØØam + haven't been out this late in a long time.
It's been rough these last couple of weeks. I feel like Death warmed over.
"Honey I ain't ever warm."
Shut up bitch. There just aren't enough hours in the week. My banner is up in Shawn's place. I had to make it myself.
8705.25 *by this time Mike had moved to Topeka to be with Shawn*
There Home, Mike called me. I went over, we talked. He behaved I was proud. Bannergram came, took it over with me. Howard wrote, its midnight, I'll read it tomorrow. I listen to K-ROCK tonight, an LA station Mike recorded for me. I listen and think of Mike huddled afraid of the storm outside because he thinks of tornadoes. But I know he enjoys the lightening.
Good night.
Let's see. Helped Jack and Jay move. Shawn's been giving cold shoulder. I'm not going to try going over any more. Finished Faulkner's letter and will mail tomorrow. *Howard Faulkner was the professor who taught me Sign Language. To learn conversation we "talked" for an hour a day. We became good friends and when he left the country during summers we wrote* While working in Grandma's yard a bird bath fell down my leg and now its scraped to hell. Before that the Guy next door (Mike, funny huh) invited me in and propositioned me. I explained the 21 business and he said he admired me for it. I almost broke in and said to hell with it, but I think I would have regretted it.
Tonight I felt desperately alone. I went out to find someone to do something with. Mike and Shawn weren't home, Jack and Jays lights were off, Marc's house was locked up tighter then a drum. Then Marc called me from the roof. He was taking pictures of the moon. We went to the mound and took pictures . of the city lights, airplanes and the moon.
We ate at Burger King and then watch TOP GUN on his new VCR. I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel gay. I was content and when I smiled I was happy. Now I'm home and I want to rest but I feel alone again. It's different this time though. It's not a bad alone. I don't know how to explain it.
I still have feelings for Shawn. I can't shake them. I grow more afraid of losing Marc's friendship as my birthday approaches. I feel hurt because Shawn loves Mike. I still don't know why I have these lapses of self control with the Mikes'. I really want someone to call my own.
Gavin and I had a talk one day about relationships and love. We talked for an hour before Brian came and we had to stop. We talked about love, love politics and jealousy, Celibacy, Marriage and commitment. He has something good starting with Sara (I think her name is) I hope it works out for both. Marc isn't seeing Lynn anymore but Lynn still wants to try. I hope it works out for both.
I still feel alone and I hope I don't give into my gonads.
Marc is going to be in Hawaii while I'm in Dallas. We both leave the 3rd and return the 8th.
I couldn't sleep last night. I lay there thinking of Mike (the one next to Grandma's) then of Jim from Wyoming. I ended with a talk to Marc that diffined my friendship, my love, my homosexuality, my philosophies and my desires for Shawn. All from one question. Remind me to do it later.
I got up at 5:39am and went for a wlk. I came back home about a quarter to 9. I ate, I went to wrok early because Brian asked me to. From 11am to 10:30pm we worked.
Last night in my monolog about Shawn I realized how much I do love him. I was willing to risk all my security to love him. I was willing to break promises to be with him. I wanted to be with him so bad I was going to get rid of the glove and come out early. I knew he hated my glove and I was going to get rid of it. The only thing that stopped me was his telling me of Mike. Why is it you that make him happy, Mike?
I'm trying to think of the letters to write to Shawn and Mike and Marc from Texas.
I have to try and sleep now.
Slept like a rock for 14 hrs. I've never been able to get past 12 before. I leave tommorrow morning. Same time Marc leaves. I'm ready.
God Damn it! Everything was working so well. Then he had to do this!
We sat, we talked (as we had done for all the times before). We talked of many things. Then he sat in my lap. It worked to there very slowly actually. First he sat on the arm of the chair. Then he swung his legs around in an odd position around me where niether of us actually touched. This is where I became worried enough to say something and he retorted "We aren't touching". Then he slid down into the seat with me. Despite the closeness we weren't really touching and the conversation was still going strong with major insights, advise and a couple of jokes. Then his hands started to roam and i began to fight back. Despite how good it felt I did fight back. I was proud of how well I fought back but I should have left sooner then I did. He sly, just like Shawn.
I did get up and leave. I told him this was the best thing to do. I will have to straighten this out.
Jason leaves Saturday. I think I'll have to take him aside and tell him about my being gay before he leaves. I don't want have to write it to him and he deserves to hear it from me not someone else. But when and how? I have to talk to Mike again anyway.
© March 2006 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
| Back |