Book 8 March 2 1987 to February 15 1990

8704.12

     After leaving the store I took Shawn Reva's remote controll and an earring that I thought he'd like and three red roses. We talked for an hour.
     Now I'm home, laying in bed, half-naked and building a wall. I feel tired, because I'm lifting bricks. My neck and sholders are sore and stiff, because I'm throwing out emotions and a few memories. I'm going to be back here alone. Lysol and toothpaste to ride me of memories of Mike. Distance for Shawn. Work will let us see each other but focus my attention.
     I lay here and I play with my hair, not Mike's, not Shawn's. My hands carress my body and other objects, not Shawn or Mike. I'm putting my back against the wall and my head in my hands. The smell of my rotting glove fills my nose. The taste of rotten hamberger fills my mouth. My memory is filled with solitude and the skies are turning grey. I feel the metal around my wrist becoming cold. I can feel the cool sand and the burning thorns I sit on.
     I remember words. "If you let your-self, those dreams can come true."
     You confuse dreams with fantasies. Fantasies are sex and imedate desire. I don't want my fantasies to come true. I want my dreams . to come true." I chased them away.
     I begin to dream of a quite place with just me and one other. He is brutally handsome and savagely gentel. We lay naked in the sun, wrapped in each others arms and he whispers into my ear "Everything is fine. I love you." The grey sky begins to rain and we smile and laugh carressing each-other gentlly and washing our skins. The mud doesn't cling to us and our smiles never leave and our love never dies. We help each other to stand and when the storm becomes worse we steady eachother and sure the others footing. Sometimes we fall but the other is there with an open hand. Finally we make it home and we dry each other off reviling in the touch of our skin and the care of eachother. Not ashamed of our bodies after a day of making love we lay and have sex. Then in the night we lay in our separte worlds joined only by our hands, our promises and our love.
     But I wake up alone and no it's a dream because I can't remember a face. I want the dream so badly I stumble to a faceless man and we bare our bodys and the tenderness isn't there when we touch but we drive into each other and live with the shame.
     I chase those thoughts away and try to remember the smiles and the . laughter as we cuddled in a dreamy green meadow.
     As I think of that the rain beats harder and the wind and water seem colder. The wall is no shelter against the cold or the fear of drowning. The thorns grow and the sand drinks and I stay with my back to the wall.
     "You can't just turn your emotions on and off like a spicket." I chase the voice away and lower my head saying, I must.
     Shhhhh ... chase all the voices away and concentrate on the noises of the night. They are there on the lone planes and they will echo off the wall.

8704.13

Dream - Shawn and me, lunch, shopping, Church, on palm Sunday, I not want there stay for Shawn. Seat between us competted forfor by Grandma T and Mrs Yacher (fresh, Honors English teacher). We watched reinact of birth Christ. 4th wise man canibal wanting to eat Joeseph now and the baby later and add Mary to Harem. there was a non-reflective yellow gillottine on stage and the kids in the audience were unrulely and playing with star-wars toys that made electronic noises.
I woke because Jason was yelling at dog.

8704.13

     The phone ran and I couldn't chase it away. Mike was tired and a little sunburned, He told me he love Shawn and hate Disny. He was ready to move but it cost so much. He told me about the sunset. He cornered me into a sugestion then made one of his own. We talked about taxes and the money we made. We talked about Shawn. We talked about the other night when he called at 1:30. He'll write tommorrow he thinks and send it when he can. I wait because I can't chase it away. In the mean time I try and chase the memories away - forget the voice try and focus my attentions. School work, paper projects, drawings, ceramics. Focus. Last month.

8704.15

     Shawn still has a hold over me. I thought to ease my conscience abit about Mike by telling Shawn he called me. This way Shawn would be assured I'm not hiding anything from him. Shawn seemed to take it very well but still not like the idea. I thought I wouldn't hear from Shawn for awhile.
     Today he had a problem and needed my help. The things I helped him move from Reva's house, he found out were stolen. Reva told him to get rid of it all.
     He seemed so paniced and nervous.

He wanted to kill Reva for lying to him. If he's caught his past record (DWI ect.) might make him suspected enough to be put away.*Back then it was Driving While Intoxicated instead if DUI, Driving Under the Influence*
     I took him home and calmed him down. I didn't touch anything and let him come up with the ideas. He wiped everything off and wore gloves. We put it in my car and dumped it all out in a ditch in the boondocks.
     Shawn was so nervous at every step. Paranoid as hell. He above all others should realize that if you act like nothing is wrong, no one questions. If your questioned, remember act like you own the world. When you lie tell it like the truth - make it short and believable. Grandpa taught me tht, its how you make magic trick work.
     I should have known better. This is the second time he's drug me into such things. I would hate to go to jail as an accessory.
     I woke up late and rushed out. No breakfast. Shawns problem occupied lunch. I didn't get to eat until I was watching Danger Mouse.
     It would seem all Shawn has to do is ask and I'll do. I'm not sure I like being that vunerable.
Or that Transparent.
     I want to get laid but my morals are getting in the way.

8704.16

     I can't find my cat. He's disappeared.
     I dig in the dirt and connected with with the earth. She covered my hands and wouldn't let go.
     Lance Garman caught me staring at him today. He raised his eyebrows and smiled back. Lance is very cute, a little chubby but very cute.
     Mike's, if he wrote me like he said, letter should arive soon.
     I wonder if Tom is out off school soon. I wonder if he'll drop by. I wonder if he'll make a pass at me again. I wonder how far I'll let him go. *Tom was a friend of my Brother - and my first Kiss ... he wanted more ~ I wasn't ready and stopped it.*
     Shawn was looking good today. He feels better and I gave him a ride to work. I skipped lunch to talk with him. I worked for Vaughn today, now I have money to buy wood to make an orange create to hold records for Shawn's B-Day.
     I found my cat. He was outside.
     I feel so dirty, so suductive, so physical, so many things. The sun and warmth seem to bare so many of the bodies worth seeing. The chests and legs, the muscles and tans. I so much want to ask and to do purely lustfull things but I can't. My back is to the wall. I have been unstiching my glove and cutting off pieces. Maybe the wall is cracked but I can't see it.

8704.18 *I did the best I could to translate this format I think you will get the idea *

funny how that X doesn't even divide
separte thoughts. Of course, is there
as such a thing as a separate thought
in your own mind.
     Tommorrow is Easter. Next friday
is Shawn's B-day. I believe he wants
me to skip classes Thursday to help
him for TV production, and I will.

8704.20 considered

     Mark this day. I left to go swimming and mother thought I drown. There were kids in the pool and I couldn't do laps. I sat in the whirlpool then decieded to try the Sauna. There was an attractive and naked man there.
     "Mind if I ask a stupid question?"
We spoke again in the showers, and as we left the building.
     "I suppose."
He followed me on my walk and later joined me for another. His name was Jim originally from Wyoming. Part-time student in the "the bussiness area". He held my knee and said I was warm on the baseball bleachers.
     "Why did you pick me?"
We took my car and warmed up out on old 45. We steamed the windows.
     "I don't know .. .. "
I did all the work. We didn't speak much. He wouldn't kiss me or open his eyes. He fucked my mouth and I think he came. I didn't taste anything.
     "I guess I saw the way you were . lookin' at me ... "
     Even though I asked him to suck it he wacked me off and I cleaned up the mess with my towel.
     "And you had a good look about you."
     He did all the work to get me there then I did all the work once we were there. Technically I guess I'm still a virgin - my cock was in nothing but his hand.
     "You gave me quite a work out."
Then he asked me if I was gay. I said yes. He said he guessed he must be bi. On the way back to the school and his car I asked him a stupid question and he stared out the window and slowly, in pieces uttered a stock answer with no emotion but nervous laghter on the last part.
     I know I'll never see him again. I don't feel like I thought I would. I don't even feel scared about making with a total stranger. If he came in my mouth (and I'm pretty sure he did) ... if he has AIDS .... And yet I don't feel afraid. I don't feel any different.
     I went to the Bank and talked to Shawn. I didn't tell him. I went there to tell him but when I was there it didn't seem nessesarry. I had nothing to say. I wasn't happy, depressed, mad or Scared. I should be but I'm not. I went to Shawn, bet I dream of Mike.

8704.21

     I didn't really sleep so I didn't dream. The day was basically un-eventful except for the math thest and the dentiest appointment ... and sign class meal at Bennigins. *The final for my sign language class was for the class to go out to eat and celebrate and ONLY use sign language the whole time*
     So I'm going to talk about Jim again. I seem to feel a little used. I keep remembering a term Mike used, trade. A straight man wants his dick sucked so he uses a gay man because he can't find a woman. It's not really a trade because its not even. I came up short.
     "So, " he said as he lay back watching me clean the jiz off my stomache (my jiz) "You gay or bi or what?" I could hardly believe he asked it.
"I'm very gay." I answered, and I'm surprized I did.
     "Oh," he said and puased, "I must be bi." he stated it so matter of factly. and began to get dressed.
     From that point when he touched my lef to when I took him back to his car 2 hours past - Hello, how are you, the weathers nice, look at the stars and gosh isn't there a lot of traffic here. The while insident reminds me of my Rape poem. When we were finished he did look as good as he did when we started. I have come to the conclusion that appearance is subjective to emotion.
     The more I think of how transparent his efforts were and how we stumbled for conversation, the more I think I . should have walked away before anything began.
     He had a big dick though. Now I'm not so scared about taking one on. By my calculations it was aprox. 7 inches long and 5 inches round. This probibly the only physical aspect I got from the experience. Emotionally I realize I can wait util i'm in love, or much deeper in lust.
     Plus now I know that I was right. It's my hollow eyes that get me in trouble. they look where they shouldn't stay. That's how Mike thought he got his first unasumed inkling about me, though he admits most of his hunch was hope.
     I've known Shawn one year now. In about tow mnths will be the aniversery of his first advances toward me. Seems like yesterday.
     I'm stopping now before I write something I'll regret.

                              good night

Damon D'artagnon
                   / Killgrave *ensigna*

KEVIN
                         J BJ Scarriot                D.A. SIC

8704.22

     I watched "Creator" again. I love that film. Every time I see it I want to cry but I don't. I too "want to love somebody that bad it hurts." *I think it was supposed to be "so bad that it hurts"* Only I have no brillant Dr. to suply me with a name. I have no cells to try and grow. I don't have somebody who loves me enough to chase me and shake me unitl I see it.
     According to the love formula, I love Shawn off and on, more on then off. I think Hiedinbergs uncertainty formula comes into play much more often in my case. (Probably becauseI think to much).
     Why can't someone walk up to me like Jim did, but instead of laying his hand my knee and asking where my car is, say "I like you and I'd like to get to know you better." You know there is only one thing wrong with being in the closet ... You're alone in there ... very alone.
     Tommorrow I'm skipping my classes to help Shawn.
     I still haven't recieved a letter from Mike, oh well, guess the mail is much slower then I figured.
     Saw Jim today at 37th and Topeka today in his car. He didn't see me. Why do I have this sneeking suspicion that everything he said was a lie? I keep thinking "Married w/ Kids". Then he's gone I start to think of Shawn or Tom and wonder where the letter is.

8704.23

LEADER of BILLIONAIRE Club guilty of Murder
SANTA MONICA, Calif. (AP) --

The leader of a group of affluent prep school buddies was convicted Wednesday of murdering a con man who tricked him into a phony multi-million-dollar commodities deal but whose body never was found.
     Joe Hunt was convicted of first-degree murder in the slaying of Ron Levin and first-degree robbery with allegations of speacial circumstances, making him elligible for the death penalty.
     Spectators in Superior Court gasped as the clerck read the verdicts, reached by the jury in its third day of deliberations. Hunt, 27, wiped his face with his hand, and looked at the jurors and his girlfriend, Brooke Roberts, who was crying in the first row.
     "It's just astonishing," Hunt, the leader of the Billionaire Boys Club, told reporters after the verdict. "I think it's a tragedy because Ron Levin's alive."
     Deputy District Attorney Fred Wapner contended Levin, who vanished June 6, 1984, was murdered by Hunt in retaliation for being tricked. The prosecutor told jurors Hunt dis-figured his victim by firing shotgun blasts at his face, then dumped body somewhere in Soledad Canyon.
     Hunt's girlfreind trestified she was with Hunt elsewhere at the time the . killing was alleged to have occurred. And defence attorney Arthur Barens claimed Levin is alive and pulling off the ultimate con.

     Then there is a picture of Joe Hunt, cute boy. I do think he's geting a bum wrap. I wonder how his alibi was thrown out of the court and how they can know specifics of a murder body that was never found and for these reasons how he can be put up for the death penalty?

     I'm paranoid. While making a note for Shawn's B-Day and funmail for Howard F*. I came upstairs and found my desk drawer open. The drawer with all my pictures, my oldest journal, many of my dirty magizens and one story "A night out iwth the boys" (which is the only thing missing). Also my chest in the closet (where I keep the rest of my most filthy magizens) was left ajar. Those are two things I never do because it incriminates me. I'm never that careless. I can't figure out who, why, and when. Whoever it was is in for a big shock or got one already. Whoever they are I don't think I like them anymore.
     Shawn's been asking questions about Jim. (He doesn't know the name or anything else). My car broke today also, only 2/3 of the way through my deliverys.

*Years after my Brother moved out, he admit to getting into my 'porn' stash frequently. I must have caught him on an off day. I finally told Shawn I had done something with someone ... not much else.*

8704.24 considered

     So I searched for an hour durning lunch and couldn't find him. I schemed all afternoon. So I leave the house with a flash-light to get his attention from the window, a ding dong and an orange polka-dot candle & money to . buy dinner.
So I forgot the matches but I got some before I went toward the bank. Luckily I stopped by his house and saw him leaving.
     Karen and the kids were there. He was getting ready to leave, drinking a bud beer and wearing party clothes. I gave him his ding-dong his candle and song then prensented him with his gift. He's happy and thankful and takes it up to his place then leaves "going out". I don't tell him about the dinner bit.
     Marc is in Manhattan.
     I go to Dave and Dan's B-Day party (even though there B-Day's were Wednesday). Dave was drunk and he did a couple of things to me that seemed like ... passes. Stop now ... it will never happen. But he looks my way often and smiles, makes "do a homesexual act to me" jokes and stroked my arm. Stop now it must be my imagination. Stop.
     I'm home now. I watched Sam Kinison on HBO. His gay jokes were either very offensive or one was funny. Tommorrow I work in Howards yard.
Goodnight.

8704.25

     Shawn's party was tonight so I couldn't talk him into dinner and a movie. I couldn't find Marc so I went alone. I went by his party later, there sat big Shawn laughing and giggling and calling me names. Earlier I told Shawn all about Jim because I was tired of being drilled for information. I think he may have told Shawn and maybe everyone else there - I don't know what to think any more, whether to trust him or not.
     I talked with Howard along time today. We talked about many things. I learned alot about him and Michel and Michel and Herb. He's lead on interesting life and I don't envy it any.
     I feel like I'm going to die so I'm going to sleep. Pray for pleasent dreams.

8704.26

     Sing me to Sleep, Sing me to sleep, I'm so tired, and I want to go to bed.
     Howard came by the shop. Marc and Jack didn't. Dave didn't come by. The fag next door changed his sorts infront of me while I was leaving after mowing. I watched "Excaliber" and "Sword in the Stone". My car was towed away I have mothers cold and everything tastes funny. I haven't seen Shawn.
     Sing me to Sleep, Sing me to Sleep. I'm so tired, and I want to go to bed.

8704.28

     Worst day of my life in quite awhile. Nothing going right at all. I was in such a pissy mood then the one person I scorn off today did the nicest thing.
     I was going to see Shawn today but I was rushed, angry and hungry and decided that he would probably give me trash about one thing or another so I skiped it.
     I git home, I have forgone looking in the mail, I never get anything. But in the middle of lunch I decide to look. There is one letter in the box ... adressed to me. The front of the card read Thanks in big Silver letters. Inside;

Dear Bret.                                        4/26

     Thanks for the record crate you got me
for my birthday. It's even from Califoria! Isn't
that special?

     There are so many times I give you so
much shit, and yet you're always there for me
when I need you. I haven't quite figured out
why yet.

     Thanks again for the crate.
                                             Love,
26 DAYS TO MIKEY!               Shawn

     He made my day. I don't think he or anyone will ever realize how . much that did for me.

8704.29

     Busy few days ahead.
Tommorrow; Shcool, work, met Brian for Signs, met Patti for reading, work on and finish paper.
     Saturday - Drive Shawn to KC so he can fly to LA and see Mike. Work sometime.

8704.30

     It's great to be alive, and I still feel like I could die. Today the cold reached into my ears and tried to push my brain out through them. All my childhood memories of that pain haunted me and I became frightened. Wobbling through my day I finally fell into the company of Marc. Time well spent! And I met Lyn(sp?) his new girl friend and I loved his introduction.
     "Lyn this is Bret but you can call him Damon. He's the other guy I was telling you about who I trust the most."
     Then I had to leave so lovers could cuddle and I could see Jason inducted into the National Honor Society. I am so proud of him. I've been braging.
     Joe Shrogg was the speaker, and his words brough back all the memories I have of my Grandfather. "Science has taken most of our ablity to touch a Ranbow. Man must be able to follow his dreams and touch the rainbows of the world. To do that one must become venerable to failure. It is only by being vunerable that we can overcome obsticles and become invunerable."
     The best gift you can give is a piece of yourself. Grandpa spoke like that. It made me feel good.

8705.03

     Shawn got to the airport okay. I pick him up tomorrow. Why do I keep hoping awfull things? I missed Grandma's Birthday, I had to work but no one came in. Howard Faulkner came in, he took my research paper and said if I make the corrections he points out he'll type it. I made the corrections. Brian came in and he asked for my help in painting the store. I agreed. Joyce came in and we talked a little.
     I found Danger Mouse on Video tape. I want to see Ferris Bueller's Day off again and I want to see Blue Velvet.
     The Elephant Man at TCT was pretty good.
     Why do I keep remembering the time I first told Shawn I was gay?
     "Do you kow what happens when dreams can't get out of your head?" - John Merrick.-
     I know I'm Unloveable.
Sing me to sleep.

8705.05

     Shawn's back okay. Everything appears cheery.
     Let's see, what haven't I writen? My life is a joke ... nope, no I wrote that before alot. Let's see, ah ... I feel lonely .. no , that's even seen a few variations. Ah ... hmm , no ... no ... not that .... I've said it all one way or another . Haven't I?
     I'm falling in love with a ficticious man named Kale in my mind. He's keeping my mind off Shawn and Lance. I would write a few lusty lines about Lance but its late and Kale is calling me. We'll see another movie tonight and maybe sit on the mound looking at the stars for awhile. Maybe we'll kiss again ænow that he knows I'm gay or maybe we won't because I have another two months before the glove comes off. I wonder how long we'll last. Jeremy once lasted a month before he died of a brain tumor, I haven't had one of these affairs for a long time. Kale is two days old and I like him, alot. Maybe I'll never be this lucky in reall life. But I've had rocky affiars too.
     Good Night .

*Weird - As I type this in, I'm not remembering a 'real' Lance. I DO remember Jeremy and how much it hurt to lose (even a fictional lover) to a brain tumor. What hits me as even stranger, I thought I made up the name Kale years later for a fictional lover ... and then most notably as an alter ego to Sedgewick in the LARP*

© March 2006 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)