Book 8 March 2 1987 to February 15 1990
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Inveloped in the water, trying to be strong, trying to be whole. Hearing the silence of the water ripples, relaxing, thinking of the womb. The pattern is set. Laying on the back the thumbs trace up the body as the lungs fill with air. The arms are fully extended from the body, remaining straight they pull down and the body glides as it exhales.
The Stranger calls. He can hear him in his head. The touch of his thumbs become the stroke of the Stranger. He prays to Grandfather Merlin, how can such thoughts be his? He ponders, does he want the Stranger so as to harm the Archer who inflicted so much pain. How can such thoughts be his. Still he hears the calls, but the thinks, His only hope is to continue to confront them together, When they are together there majics restrain each other.
He leaves the water a dry husk, like autum leaves in a summers pond he is still dry, but not so brittle. The Stranger calls him though, through the pain of the Archers wounds. Oh, Grandfather Merlin, he prays ...
"Don't whisper to me. I could not counsel Lancelot against Gwenyvere. I can not counsel you."
He woke and readied for battle. Glove, bracelet; and handcuff charms. Bound together and secluded, he felt ready. Face them both and prayer remains.
Archer was not there and the Stranger whispered suduction and the gleam came to his eye. Attempts where made, some threats implied but finally the truth surfaced and wall broken down where a gate still stands.
The wizard fought relentlessly and though he menat what he said and fought for what he felt, his mind was numb and looking for reasons to stop. It didn't matter, the Stranger was an expert, he fought persistantly and seemed stronger then his appearance would allow. A glove was removed and the handcuffs bypassed with ease (as per one threat and one rebuttled promise). The wizard continued to battle attempting to hold the Stranger off at wands distance, how shocked he was when the Stranger attempted to swollow the wand.
Sanity was recovered and distance achieved. But the battle didn't end. Oh, Merlin how hard you fell to Vivian! Again a battle began, this ended with a gentle kiss and relaxation. The wizard pushed the Stranger back, but the taste of the kiss remained. The smell of the Strangers body still wafes in his memory.
The Archer returned and the wizard was saved as he fleed. How will he feel in morn? Guilty, Relieved?
I am the April Fool. I can still smell him, in my car, in my mind. A conbination of cigarettes and his colone. It's so mild and yet appealing. His kiss tasted much the same way. I can't sleep because I fell thim next to me, I remember how he feels.
"How do you feel?" he asked.
"Not near as bad as I thought I would."
Yet there is Sahwn. This is exactly what I felt with him. I find myself asking the same questions. Do I love him or lust him? Do I feel this way because he has shown me affection. I also find myself asking if my feelings for him will fade as they did for Shawn. But did my feelings for Shawn fade because they faded or because I let them, knowing about Mike.
I find myself saying i like him but I don't love him - which is a lie! I like him alot but not enought to hurt Shawn. If th circumstances had been different ...
But they aren't! And I'm not sure I want them to be. I will stand by my convictions. There will be no more.
A a r r g h ! ! ! !
Those of faint heart read no further.
Last night I could still smell him, remember how he felt and how what he did to me felt. The feel of his hand as we compared there size. The feel of his lips as they brushed my face, there taste as they met my lips. The delicate moister of the second and a half my dick spend in his mouth. If we hadn't stopped there I dobut I would have tried to stop him anymore.
I dream about it in the weirdest ways. The JLA is a bunch of street punks and I am Johnny Weismuler as Longshot. Waiting for the spy to contact me I bath. Mike is the spy and he joins me in the water. He thinks I'm a woman even though he sits against my erect dick as I message his shoulders and he passes me the information. I begin to ejaculate and we both feel the warm streams jetting between us. He thinks it's the message. He starts to leave then thinks to give a goodbye kiss. He moves between my legs, I cover my penis so as not to let him now I'm a man, and he kisses my asshole. I collect the JLA and run a few laps around Yale.
I awake and roll over to feel my warm cat and a cold wet spot. Under the sheets is the . heady smell of cum. I can't lose my rection or my thoughts of Mike. I clean the sheets and take a piss. When I come back all I can smell is the cum. I sleep easily.
When I awake i find the hair on my cats tail is stiff and pasty looking, like the hair on my stomache. I pet him and apologize.
Lies are being concieved so I can skip tommorrow and talk with Mike. I still don't want to do anything. I know it sounds like I do, but I don't. If anything starts we will have a long tolk. I want him to hear the new Smiths album 'Louder then Bombs'. He likes the also, but couldn't find them on disc.
Did I say he'd given me his phone number and told me to call him. I'm not sure if I should or if I could. I have it writen here because shawn left it for mergencies. Now its also in my coat in Mikes hand writing.
I just wish I could get the smell out of my head.
Grandma to my right and Margret to the right of her. A beautiful young woman to my left and her date to the left of her. I sit in the middle fighting off erections because I'm thinking of Mike and the things he said last Friday. Thinking of what he said and what I should have said if I weren't so nervous.
"Your the only person I've met woh wouldn't mek it with me because of someone else. In LA they don't care." I care.
"You just don't want to make it in Shawn's appartment. If we were at your place it would be different." It's not Shawn's place, it's Shawn.
"Even if Shawn weren't around, you wouldn't make it with me. Because of that vow you took, the glove" If Ii wanted it Mike, nothing would stop me. I was willing to consider makeing it with Shawn but you stepped into the picture. Bot both of you seen to want to move to fast. What happened to Romance? I want to fall in love and know it. I don't want to mistake it for lust.
I can feel his dick rubbing against his jeans and my knee, his hands on my things. He starts to try and kiss me. I back away. My excuse is that I don't kiss well (No experience). His yese roll up slightly and he moans, then he looks me in the eye and says "You kiss good!"
Yesterday they were supposed to be at Worlds of Fun. Today they weren't home. Tommorrow Mike leaves.
Going through my coat pockets; a list of back issues, Vaugh Kahles adress and number with a map to his house, Glory Day's pizza menu, The picture of Jason I showed Mike, the Ticket stub to Little Shop of Horrors that I saw with Mike and Shawn.
MONDAY, MARCH 23
FLIGHT 892 11:45 pm
Western Airlines,
Mike C*
(714) ### - #### writen on an Airport Service
Identifcation check
Mike C*
##### S***** Lane
Huntington Beach Calif ##### on graph paper
He's gone now. I don't have to worry about him directly for two months. I won't have to fight him off and I won't have to fight him off and I won't have to worry about getting caught by Shawn or skipping classes.
I will have to worry about Shawn. Mike warned me that he had "pitched a fit" about my being around to often. I don't want Shawn to hate me or even dislike me. I still like Shawn.
I will have to worry about wether to write Mike or how to forget his smell and taste and the way he stared at me before he left today.
Sept 19 is his birthday.
I think I'm on the verge of being ill. Good night.
MIKE
WARNING : the surgeon general has declared that
Letters written by Bret Turner, Damon
Killgrave or BJ Scarriot can be mind
rattleing and often very bizzare.
Don't worry to much, this first letter won't be so bad. But some of the rest might be.
I considered not writting but two things kept coming to mind. 1) I didn't want you to get the idea that I hated, disliked or was trying to aviod you. I'm not. 2) You only left yester-day and I miss talking to you.
This is however the third attempt at this letter. The first was so cold and distant you might have thought I have pointed ears and green blood. The second one was on the other extreme, shall we say. This one should still rest well with my conscience.
First, the small talk. How is LA LAND? Did it survive without you? How was your flight? How are you? How is Shawn and you? Find "Louder then Bombs" on CD yet? How's your ear? What did they say about it at D-land? How is anything else I forgot to ask about?
Me? School is falling in around my head. It's the last month of ros of classes and I have a paper on the 20th cnetury appearances of Merlin due and I still hate Mathe.
NEXT SHEET
Which reminds me of two things. 1) if my replys aren't prompt for awhile, that's why. 2) Often I can't spell. If you run across a word you don't know, sound it out I spell phonically.
Anyway, I still find writting this alitle awkward, (and I don't run across this often because I love to write) I find myself cnsoring myself alittle. I Still want you and Shawn to work out, but onl if it's @- right for both of you, god knows he has his faults, but he is a great guy.
I'm running short of words and time (I should be doing Math and making on outline for tht damn paper - all due this Thursday) so I'll be waiting for a reply. If there isn't one I won't worry, you'll be here in about two months. If you get the chance I would like you send me some of that "sex line"(?) show on the radio. (Seaking of sex, I only makde it without for 6 days - now I'll try again).
TA TA - your friend
Damon
D'artagnon
Killgrave *insignia*
(BRET TURNER)
P.S) feel free to ask anything in your letters I always try to answer honestly as possible.
DDK *insignia*
* "how is your ear and what did they say at D-land" referred to the fact he peirced his ear before he left and it looked infected. He worked at Disney Land, and they didn't alow piercings of any kind. *
Now, do I sent it? Should I scratch off the P.S?
I mailed it, is as. Meloncoly
Still haven't seen Shawn - I hear he has a job, that's why I can't find him. I think I may still love him more then I want to admit.
I have to many thinks to Thought.
I am so bussy with School and my jobs. so many responsiblities to others and to me.
I have people to do, places to see and things to go.
Life seems so hard and I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I never did. I can never find marc. Never could trust Shawn with a secrete, but I do. Somehow I think they'll both end up hating me.
I'm not as think as you Stupid I am. I just have to many things to turn around in my life.
I amuse myself
I myself amuse
Myself amuse I
Amuse Myself I
Myself I amuse
Amuse I myself
Hurt by the thorns, pushing aside the sand. Millipedes and beetles all avoid my bloody fingers as I move the sand aside and get pricked by thorns.
On a comedy show they were joking about needing 7.2 hugs aday to survive. I remembered the hug Mike gave me. I had to think for the two Shawn gave me. I saw Shawn today. He was barefoot with old faded-in-the-right-spot jeans and his tight red theater T-Shirt. He was in a good mood, he smiled and we talked. I remember seeing his feet and remembering his legs. I remember noticing the beginings of a belly but noticing the faded spot that show where his dick lay - always. When he started to describe the stringy brown hacks from his cold I tried to cover his mouth. I remember thinking "I want a hug" and I remember his smile and his laugh. Shawn was at one of his best today, and I wanted him. Yet tonight I remembered Mike's hug over Shawn's. As I write I think more of Mikes eyes and the way they stare into me. I remember his hands and the way he felt. I still smell and taste him. It's funny, I can sitt here and write all these things I find attractive about them both and I honestly can't say I find either physically attractive. Nothing . like the men I draw, dream of, or stare at as I walk by.
Am I to be a lady of Shalott?
To live a life of dreams, creativily and physicall purity only to die when faced with real and carnal loves? I don't want to be a virgin forever. I don't want to lose it to lust. Galahad was a great man and a maiden. Lancelot was great and a lover, and tormented. Merlin fell and died over lust. Elane feel and died over unreturned love. Did anyone just die of love? Is that what love is, death and torment? I knew that and I asked for it. I meant it then, and I still do. But just because I asked, and I have (or do I yet?) doesn't mean I know what to do. It will work out. It has it. *I think that should be It has to.*
I keep moving the sand and getting pricked by the thorns. I can't give up, I can't be buried. Not untill I've build the best castle, Stronger then sand and more fruitful then thorns in a dessert.
Thanks! NATHAN
IF You NeeD
ANYTHING CALL
Tina
That's Tina's hand writing. If she ever becomes a famous modle I can I say I have her Autograph. Hell, I can forge it. Nathan H* is her photographer.
I woke up from a dream where Mike was holding me. The radio Announcer made a joke and I laughed. Navone gave me a B on my portfolio. I got my JC PENNYS card today, now I to can go into debt. I showed it to Shawn and gave him a ride to work. He said he didn't want to go and his lip began to blee. I told him to think happier thoughts, like the money he was making. Despirte the blood, he smiled and I wanted to kiss him.
---- Is there any more pitful a creature? Then Fools in love?
They think they're hero's. I think they're zero's. I should know. This fool is in love again. ---
I heard that song on the radio today. Never heard it before but I sang along.
Let's see. I feel like Lancelot only worse. I was with Shawn today and some of my thoughts were .... less then pure. I seem to have fallen for Shawn hard again only now Mike is alos in the forefront of my mind as a lusty object. What is worse yet is that if I'm not thinking of Shawn, or Mike my eye is liberally purusing the samples of bared flesh as the sun and warm weather revist Topeka. (Worse yet, nost of what I've been droolling over - the ones I remember more - are barely into high school. Shawn is probibly right - I'll end up going to jail someday).
Jason is doing so well in Floresics. I don't say much about Jason in here because we don't have problems anymore. I only write problems in here. But I also write feelings - I am Happy Jason broke into the Nationals! He's going to Interlochen! That boy is smart, talented and just damn good. I'm proud to have him as a brother.
Now I must sleep. I run the Store tomorrow.
I haven't been yet to the store. This morning at 1:30AM Shawn called me for help. Reva and Karen are breaking up and Reva needed some of her things moved. I did it. Mom doesn't think I should have, what she doesn't understand is that, short of something highly illegall, I can't refuse Shawn anything.
Anyways, due to his being some-what intoxicated he talked to me. He told me how he was extremely jealous of the time Mike and I spent together. He told me he feared I was trying to steal Mike and the only thing that kept him going was he knew I wouldn't do that to him. He told me he thinks Mike is much more a part of his life then he's willing to admit and that's why he was so jealous. He told me about the arguement Mike mentioned to me as a warning.
I told Shawn everything was fine and he had nothing to worry about. (My only lie). I told him I thought Mike was a nice guy but un-attractive. I told him we were freinds but I wasn't after him. I told him I was happy for him and that I hope everything works out for the best.
I considered telling him I wrote Mike but I stopped myself. If I get a reply from Mike, judgeing from . the response, I may write and tell him not to write anymore.
"The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel." it was in the Justice Machine. *A Comic Book*
I must stop feeling and begin thinking. I have to turn off what I feel lust wize about both Mike and Shawn. Espeacilly Shawn. I know Mike to well now to continue considering there breaking up so I can have a chance with Shawn. I loved Shawn to much from the start to let Mike get anywhere. It's funny I still remember when I told Mike how Ii felt about Shawn and how I wanted to hate him (Mike). He apollogized for meeting Shawn before I could tell Shawn I loved him. I couldn't believe he said "I'm sorry."
I must continue to think that this has or is working out for the best. I really don't think I could stay with Shawn if we were lovers. Maybe Mike can and he can get over his lust of me, and he will wether he wants to or not.
In a way I did tell Shawn how much I loved him. If he were sober I think I would have been transpartent. But he wasn't and I don't <think he realized it.
Damn emotions anyway.
*Oh ... keep reading ... this gets so much better ... I was a psychic to foreshadow this well.*
© March 2006 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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