Book 7 July 1 1986 to March 1 1987

8702.26

    I went to Shawn's today. Marc wasn't home. He's at the Bon Jovi Concert.
    We had a nice chat though, and stole back the picture he stole of me. He told me how his next door "Nigger Nieghbor" came over this apt. last night about midnight. He asked Shawn if he was a "homosexual." Then he asked how he knew he was gay, asked if he had AIDS then asked him to sleep with him because he wanted to see if he was.
    Shawn of course turned him down and explained to him about Mikey. Shawn siad it seemed to take him awhile to understand that gays too could have a meaningful relationship. Not all of them are Boomers. *Boomer was the local 'slut' who I found out later had a reputation that was blown out of proportion ... because I dated him for a time. and I still have a lot of fond memories of our time together.*
    Why can't such things happen to me? I know the asnwer to that. I don't alow it to happen. No one knows I'm gay but someone who doesn't care.
    I've thought of seeing if maybe the guy might want to try it with me, but; I don't want to break down yet, I'm sure he wants someone with more experience, I'm sure it would probibly turn out to be a one night stand like Tom (I don't know if I want that).
    I wonder if Marc is having a good time at the Bon Jovi concert. I'm going to listen to the tape tonight and pretend I'm there. I'm going to . have fun. Maybe I'll get laid ... by Shawn ... and his "Nigger Nieghbor". What the hell its a fantasy.

    My footing on the bank was precarious. I was nearly afraid because I'd never been wet before and surely the robes I wore would drag me to the bottom like a suit of armour.
    I turned away from the stream and faced the Beast, a large purple silloutte against the ravaged landscape of war. He seemed to pulse with ... anticipation.
   "Your no longer black."
   "No, Sire. I am no longer tainted."
   "You lie. You made this treaty that will betray many other Kings. Betrayal planned and brutal. You should be black as soot!"
   "No, Sire. I'm turning red."
   "The color of blood?! The liquid that will stain this land forever?! Are you finally being tainted by all that which you will spill?"
   "No, Sire. It is the color of your blood. Your royal blood that corses through your viens. I am your heart, I will be ..."
   "You will be my Damnation! You will be my sin! You will lead me into a life of lusts and pleasures."
   "Because that is what a heart does. I will also show you the hights of intamacy the gift of Love. I will guide you to your greatest hights."

   "No doubt so that it will be my greatest fall. Away foul creature. I must go to my castel and think."
   "Have fun brooding in you fortress."
    The cold grey stone surrounds me. No sound escapes no light is found. I sit at the foot of the throne and read the pact. Apocolypitc visions flash through my head. Fire and Ice and the end of a world through realization.

    Grandfather! Speak to me. Help me understand what is right. How can what i feel be wrong? Why should it hurt so many other people that I be happy. Is it wrong Grampa? In all your magic, in all your poems, or any of your notes I never heard you say. Grandpa, is it wrong to be gay?

8702.27

--- When you walk witnout ease, on these streets where you were raised
I had a Really Bad Dream
It last Twenty years
Seven months and Twenty-seven days
And I live alone
And I never evever, oh whoa-whoa
   Had No One Ever
Now I'm outside your house
I'm Alone, and I'm outside your house
I hate you in Truth
Oh I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone
And I Never Ever, oh whoa - whoa
   Had No One Ever

I Never Had No One, Never
Never, No --- (whistle) -----

8702.28 considered
    The walls where little comfort as my soul burned with ice. The darkness surrounded me and I cried out for magic.
    "Grand Mage! Help me!"
    "I can't," replied the dark.
    "Why?" The word choked in my throat like the despair that drove it.
    "It is not in my realm. I am the Sorcerer, a creator of worlds. I have thought you all I can. You are the artist able to express to the best of your ability. You can create worlds, but it is not in your power to escape from the one you inhabit. I have taught you to follow your sence of right and avoid the worng."
   "But You didn't teach me what was Right and What was wrong!"
    "That was for you to decide. I can not say I am ashamed of your decisions thus far. I tught you magic. I taught you art. I can not teach you any more. It is not my place."
    I wish the tears would burn my face but they choked up behind my eyes and filled my head. I lashed out at the walls in my rage and passion. I smashed my fists into the cold stoney grey . and screamed like the storm.
    Oustide the wind howled and the rain mixed with snow and clung to the icy stone. A unicorn froze and died when he placed his horn in the water and the Lion couldn't lick it's eyes open and so raged with the storm. A Purple siloutte watched the walls.
    As I raged I pounded and imagined thunder. The pain was white hot and pierced my sould like lightening. Blood was everywhere, blood was on my hands. Every fly was was dead but there maggot like children squirmed in the sores of my brow, feeding from the flesh and blood.
    Exhaustion overcame and I collapese in a corner. Looking up I noticed, under the read marks of captivity, the walls had cracked.
    Two hands reached for me, one purple, the other blood stained and flicked with gold. A harsh darkness claimed me and an urgent voice called out
--- Don't talk to strangers
Don't talk to strangers,
Cause they're only there to do you harm
Don't wirte in star light
Cause the words may come out real
Don't stand in door ways
You may find the key that opens up our soul
Don't go to Heaven
Cause it's really only Hell
Don't smell the flowers

They're an evil drug to make you lose your mind
Don't Dream of women
Because they'll only bring you down
Hey, you! You Know me
You touch me, I'm reall
I'm forever, the one that let's you look and see
And feel me, I'm danger
I'm the Stranger
And I am Darkness
I'm anger    I'm pain
I am master, The evil song you sing
   inside your brain
Drive you insane
Don't talk, Don't let them inside your mind
Run away, Run away, Go!
No, No, don't let them in your mind
Protect yourself!
Don't Dance in Darkness
You may stumble then, and your sure to fall
Don't write in star light
because the words may come out reall
Don't talk to strangers
Cause they're only there to make you sad
Don't Dream of women
Cause they'll only bring you Down
Yeah! Run Run Run Run away! ---
    I awoke and grabed the purple hand of the Beast. He pulled me up and seemed to smile. I lloked him in the eye and an arrow embeded in his chest. I ha hear it comeing but could do nothing to stop it or . warn the Beast. He staggered back a bright blood read puss pulsing from the wound and making the dark purple an lmost violet.
    I turned to the direction of the wound, and off in the idstance I saw a man notching an arrow that I had only seen in dreams his large articulate hands pulled back the string and lips slowly whispered, "Becuase of Brad." The arrow whispered through the air like a ghost striking the Beast again in the chest.
   Anger siezed me again as I ranted to no - 0ne that could hear. Kneeling beside the Beast, as his wounds gurgled and he became ever reder I began to feel sorrow. I pulled free the two arrows and the wounds seemed to heal. The Beast stood again, a very rdish violet but still with strands of black disapateing from his being. Then another figure appeared beside the archer and pointed our way.
    Over my shoulder the Beast pointed toward the Archer and whisperd in my ear, "Make peace before he brings war." I hesitated, only long enough for two more arrows to fly.
    The first screamed by shattering the solar plexus and protruding out the back of the Beast. The second whispered by like a rumor and struck him in the thigh.

The Best was now a bright red and gasping for air.
    "Please, don't die now."
    "Silly, King. I am your heart I can be hurt but never killed."
    I pulled out the arrows makred Mike and Bill and wounds began to heal. I stared at the Archer on the hill top.
    Later, I lay the Beast down to rest and recover. I sat with a contract in my blood hands, staring at the crumbling walls. I continue to wonder how the new peace will go over.

8703.01

    Walking through te dark thinking of my day. I wal alone, not even myself is there.
    I remember trying to escape by going to the thinking place. I parked on the mound and overlooked the city. I walked around the water tower and read the fraffitti. Old, black and perverse. I coldn't escape my thoughts here.
    I walked to the forested hill and there I found a green broom/walking tick, watched the sun set, and saw a car I knew drive onto the mound. Once the sun was gone but the orange light remained I walked back, hoping the car wasn't whoes I thought.
    It was worse I found as walking. Around my car I could see standing the correct driver and the incorrect . passenger.
    Before I reached them Jack got back in the car and Shawn .... The car pulled up next to me and Shawn spoke iwth a grin.
   "What are you doing up here?"
   "What are you doing here?"
   "I asked first."
   "I am Thinking."
   "Oh, did you think well?"
   "I'm not finished yet. What are you doing here."
   "Sex!" said Jack "Lots and Lots of Sex."
   "I should have known."
   "No, we were bored. His place is full, and mine is empty so we came here."
   "Why are you leaving."
   "Cause I'm almost out of gas." said Jack
   "Then stop the car."
   "And he's cold." he said
   "Yeah."
   "See you later then."
   "Okay, bye."
    Standing tby my cvar I watched them descend the road. I started to walk back down the road to the forest again but my mind turned. I walked back to my car after ten steps and put the broom stick away.
    I drove after them like a maniac but they were gone. I turned my car around on the highway and went to Marc's.
    He drove and I wore my sunglasses, we sat in the dark and watched my . emotions with the characters jumbled up. Oh it was Some Kind of Wonderful because it had a happy ending. Mine never will.
    Its gone, its done, it's over. I sat and watched Shawn's bedroom window for fifteen minutes. Then I walked in the dark reviewing the day. I remembered trying to escape, now my mind is numb, there is nothing left.
    Where did I begin? Why did I end? What was in the middle? Where will I begin? Why will it die? What is in the middle?
    My mind is numb and I remember trying to escape. Why did he have to be there? Why did I go there? I can't go on this way.

*The remaining five pages of this Journal are empty*

© June 2006(Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)