Book 7 July 1 1986 to March 1 1987

8701.19

      Stayed at Grandma's last night. Late at night I sat naked in bed, reading Arthur and looking in the mirrors. I pretended Shawn was in the double bed with me and it was he that was aimlessly tracing patterns on my foot, not me. I imagined growing older with him, imagined it in that house. I wonder what Grandpa woud have thought. I wonder what Grandma would think.
     I dreampt of the fag next door visiting Grandma's house and chasing after me. I remember he followed me into the shower and said,
     "You know, I just wanted you to know, your the prettiest girl I've ever seen." All at once I wanted to thank him and kill him. Disappointement was the remaining emotion as I awoke and heard the sick sound of the alarm clock.
     Showering infront of the mirror, I almost lost it. Drying off infront of a mirror, I almost lost it. Coming home after school, thinking of Shawn and the figure drawing model, in the shower, I almost lost it. Drying off after the shower, I almost lost it three times. I think maybe it's that vitamin E mom's giving me. Or maybe I'm just weak.
     I kept thinking, "No, not now. Not after so long. Not when Shawn is almost back."
     It's scary how he weasels into every thought.

8701.20

      Up, shower, dressed, eat, gather, leave, drive (review signs A-Z, 1-2Ø), Class, pause, Class, Talk to Big Shawn *Last name* on way to car, drive, Sun-Tana (review signs, who, what, where, when, why, which, A-Z 1-20, S-H-A-W-N, Shawn is big, Shawn is tall, he is beautiful), leave, drive, Home, do math homework, eat, answer phone - make appointment, finish eating, clean dishes, finish math homework, leave, drive, pick up Patty's papers (phone), leave, drive, home, read King Arthur, have Jason help me with Math homework, finish Arthur story, read Patty's worksheets onto tape, Sigh, gather - place, leave, drive, check Shawn's (no one there), drive by Shawn and Jacks (light on), drive to Marc's (no car there), drive home, lock up, take pills, brush teeth, write, wonder where day went, sign off, undress, turn off light, turn on tape (Dead or Alive), get in bed, try to sleep (difficulty lately).

No call, no card, no word.
Shawn is trying to kill me.

8701.21

      Scholarly pursuits never cease, never end and I am sorely behind.
     Shawn is home. 11:3Ø last evening he came home. A day has passed with not a word. Hopefully by friday I will be caught up enough to visit he.
     Shall I kiss him or kick him?

8701.22

     
     I can't seem to find the words for my dismay of school work and absent Love. I don't know enough signs yet. I had to look up miss and gone long time.
     I still have readings to do. I still want to see Shawn. I saw him yawning at his window before class as I drove by his house.
     Why can't I make decisions? Why can't I shut up?

8701.23

      When a ray of sunshine penetrated my world of darkness, I didn't know what it was. I ran from it. But I still felt its effects and I began to appreciate it. I went to embrace the light but instead got burned. Now my skin flakes and peels as it tries to fix the damage.

      The boy looked around. He saw a gap between the dragons tail and mouth. A gap in the circular prison he was condemned to. He ran for the small hole as the . dragon slept. As he reached it, it fell shut and the half-awake dragon said,
     "Think again."

      Just as I had feared, but never let myself admit, Shawn fell in love while in LA. Mike has already bought a ticket down here for April. Shawn is going back for Spring Break. Each reports they cryed when they left. Shawn in the plane, he on his way home.
     I never told Shawn. Found him walking to school and gave him a ride. New sun glasses, new hair cut. He looked like Bruce Willis of Moonlighting (in a distant way) he was gorgeous. I asked how la was. He weaseled around the subject then Mike came out, slowly. I don't think he really wanted me to know. I don't think he was trying to protect me, I just don't think he wanted me to know.
     Maybe it won't work out. Maybe I still have a chance. But it will be much later. Much later. Will I still feel the same? Should I?
     I feel inexplicably hurt but not sad. I want to feel like I should die but I don't. Saying its all for the best makes me feel bad. I don't have the words, again, still, ever.
     I have to be in class in 15 min. I don't know if I'm going. I don't feel up to it. I don't feel it If you don't. *quote from a Cure Song*

8701.24

      I am a creature of Hell. Self tortured, Self created, Self deserving. Does anyone realize why I wear the brand Scarriot?
     To forget my sorrows of Shawn I did stupid things. Things that helped, things that hurt.
     I bought a stupid purple Demon car (Speed Demons from Hot Wheels). Cheap, meaningless entertainment. I bought it at Venture, there I saw Shown Obrien. We talked and i felt better. I came home to be directed to School to get Pell Grant money. I felt better. I saw Todd Coffe at Comics and Fantasies. We talked out in the cold and I felt better. I went to marc's and we went to a movie (Wanted Dead or Alive; an Okay film). From there we went to Brian Cowens. I bought beer and we went to Lawerence. There we went to freinds of Marc and Bri's, Mike Gibbons and Jeff (?) There they got drunk and we talked and talked.
     From midnight to five went Jeff finally collapsed inot his bed. Then mike fell into his alittle before six. Mark, Brian and I didn't leave until seven, nor was I home until 8:ØØ this morning. We all admired each-oter and gave out thoughts. Damn it why must people be drunk to say I love you and freely give hugs. I recieved, and gave hugs to all of . them and they felt so warm and Ididn't want to let go untill they did. Brian and marc both gave long hugs that I had wanted and needed for a long time and felt ashame that I began to get an erection in the midst of what Marc called "the Breakfast Club experience."
     I found that Brian and I feel exactly the same thing toward marc and, that strangely enough, in our trying to be like him, he was trying to be like us. A vicious circle of inatations and repects came about. I saw Brian cry, I saw Marc want to and discussed our inablities to cry.
     Once we left the "sanctaty" of the apartment, it all left. The conversation was gone, as if the spell were finished.

8701.24 cont.

     This chain of events was without doubt one of the best sequences I've ever had. Despite all of the negitive things that have happened, I feel very good about myself and my friends. I actually feel that someone will be there. Despite the line
  "Please don't turn gay on me."
   Then the fly's bite.
    Maybe it was just the alcohol talking.
     Maybe being gay will change everything to the point of destruction.
     Brings up the old questions - Do I tell them when I come out or do I let them find out, or keep it from them.
     Motives come into play again - If I don't tell them and I protecting me or them. Should they be protected. Is it running?
     I went and talked to Shawn. He doesn't talk to me anymore. The conversation centered on one syllible words, short answers. It was likep pulling teeth just to hear him speak. What I felt before, isn't there any more. But what I feel for him as a freind is. I want him to talk to me, I want he and Mike to be happy (even though I know it will be rough on them being half a contient apart. Phone calls, pictures and letters make it rough).
     To much to figure out now. I have plenty of time. I have too.

8701.25

     Lost it again today, not again.
Finally caught, I feel I am soon to be behind.
     Patt wrote today, good to hear from him. I wrote back. Should send tomorrow.
     Shawn gave cold shoulder today. I don't like it. Have to talk to him.
     Mom says I should go to the Feb 2 KU vs. KS gave with      Marc, Brian, Jeff and Mike. Thinking I will anyway.
     Jay had an "indescresion". Everybody seems to be making a big of it. Jack must be the only one who doesn't know. Wonder how each feels.
     Gotta sleep. I am home. I feel good. I am busy. I have no time to feel bad. i think I can see how Jack can be a work-aholic. Good night.

8701.26

     First night of sign class. It was fun, abit slow but great.
     Shawn spoke to me twice. Either I was my imagination or he was just feeling bad. He wants to quit school and live with Mike (Guy really made an impression in three days) (desperoto therory?)
     I'm behind again. I won't stop. I'll die.      I can tell.      Say Good bye.
                                   7a 7a
                                  /    /
                                /    / *This is actually "Ta Ta" but I took the cursive 'T's and extend them down three lines*

8701.27

     I read the Quest for the Holy Grail. Alot of the dreams and visions that they had rea similar to the tales I wrote. I felt I could understand it better.

     I smell like ash and I remember the fire exstingisher Shawn gave me. I leave the negoseating tables flies biting my brow. BJ mourns knowing the future and the Beast smiles.
Clandestine bargining no friends know about. God forbid, but he didn't the first time.

8701.29

     Forgotten toys and thoughts of boys.
     Is my world changing.
     Laughter fights responsiblity
     Have I changed or merely grown
     Is there a difference?

8701.3Ø

     Saw Shawn today. He said hi, I saw him smile, watched him walk barefoot through his appartment. He was wearing blue jeans and the orange sweat shirt I gave him for Christmas. I may not be as over him as I thought. We still seem to have a problem talking.
     I saw the pictures of Mike. He reminds me of Brad (Shawn's first Lover) Shawn doesn't think so. He too has a nice smile, unlike Brad, I think I'd like Mike more the Brad, but I think I may . be just a jealous.
     I am happy for Shawn. It's all I ever wanted for him. The more I think of it the more I know it would never have worked out. We didn't have enough in common.
     Mike seems to have ruined Shawn's attitude for school though. It's the only bad thing I can see.
     Looking forward to this Manhattan thing. If it falls through I may just go out and do something myself.
     I went to the X movies again. David was going to go but he didn't have the money. I took him home and went alone. I haven't masterbated yet, I want to, but I won't. That's two days. I can go longer, I proved that.
     I still remember the day I shamefully lost that resloution. I came three time in as many minutes, orgazimed once and not a drop hit the floor. For the first time it tasted good, but it still made my stomache crawl. That's really gross isn't it. Sorry. Where else can I say it?
     Are my emotions coming through? It seems that my earlier writings were more emotional. They were also more abstract. Trying to unwind all the allusions I put in there is quite a task sometimes. But when I write plainly like this, the emotions seem to fail.
     Can you tell how torn I really am?
     Hello?

8702.02

    I left the bargining table, at least his laughter was stopped. BJ was nailed to the wall, his fate set; his torture begun.
    I wandered the castel halls wondering which brick would fall, crumble or crack first. Holding the treaty in my hand I spied a mirror. I saw a handsome king, the flies where still there but they didn't bitd, they had no right. But the man beneath the reath, was handsome, a black speckin a white world finely made and forged in pain. His skin was bronze, his jewlery silver, his teeth of ivory and eyes of lapis.
   I looked down and there was blood on the document. Judas screamed and the mirror shattered, one piece falling free. the castel is solid still, a few more months of peace, before it crumbles.

    "I am Human! And you know it!" cried out that black siloutte in anger.
   "You are a Beast! An insacable animal." I replied with the conviction of my throne.
   "You have blamed me for every problem and every emotion you feel. I'm tired of it all! If you don't want my advise then why follow your heart?"
   "You are not my heart. He is my heart, see how he bleeds and cracks where you only esist as an unbearible driving force."
   "Judas is not your heart, he is your guilt. He is the one that twists your . soul, not I. And you who started out wise, are only misguided reason now. You are Rationalization."
   BJ stood there appearing pious.
   "If you are my heart, why are you black?"
   "Because BJ allows no different and I am as yet a virgin. I haven't felt enough for you to know my true color. I will crack and bleed for you, given the chance. I will also heal for you."
   "BJ, what do you have to say?"
   "He lies to you. If you follow him you will be an outcast, you will be alone. Think of Marc, your friend and favoured council. What will he think of your thoughts?"
   "BJ, you are here, and no doubt you will stay. You have revealed yourself not only as guilt but insecurity. You will stand before me as my appology. You will kiss the men you love. If your kiss condems at least I will not be alone. Sir, we have a deal in effect by my judgement in lue of former contracts. I am gay. I am not ashamed, but I am not proud."
   BJ Scarriot wept and bled and assumed his martyr position. His influence is still strong, but so is the Beast's.
   The kingdom let out a yell, haunting and foreboding. Hanging in the air like a pall.

8702.03

    Two things before I begin.
   1) Marc is a prophet. I always believed that. Its why something else he said on the Lawerence night continues to go through my head. He gave a big grin and said "One day, you'll met someone. And you'll be one happy guy. And i can't wait for it to happen."
   2) Yesterday I kind of rediffined some old symbols. I don't know if they've stayed true to what I've written before or not. The Beast has always been my homosexual desires and tendancies. Is that my heart? J BJ Scarriot has always been guilt and the symbol of my betrayals toward my firends. Is that my insecurities? Let's see what else I do tonight.

    I closed my eyes and fell into the void. There is no space or time here. As I float in the emptiness a voice asked "What ground do you stand?" My reply was "Nothing sturdy it seems." Then the music began, a piano in a simple, redundant pattern. Blunt and bold. I felt over-powered and curled up in the cold darkness.
~ Baby ~ came a strong but soft voice ~ Life's what you make it. Can't escape it. Baby Lifes what you make it. Don't you hate it. Everythings all right. Baby, Love's what you make it. Don't placate it. Baby, don't try and shake it, Everythings all right. Baby, Love's what . you make it. Celebrate it, anticipate it, don't try to change it, Love's what you make it. Everythings all right, Everythings all right.~~~
   Once the reassuring voice was gone I came from the void to the harsh lights and sounds of reality. It was painful but there was a certian element of pleasure derived. The pleasure of the being alive, and knowing it, wheter you like it or not.

8702.04

    I walked into a meadow and tried to account for my life by molding clay vessles. The usuall magic beasts where there but in particular there was an oddly large fairy. We spoke on end and he was haughty, egotistic and bitchy. At length he confounded me by saying;
   "I know something that you know, Only you don't know I know. That's because you don't want me to know until you're sure. I know for sure and you'll never be rid of me because I want to laugh in your face when you find out the truth."
   If he speaks of what he implies then a trust I gave to love was betrayed. Further more he is slightly missinformed and it is I that shall laugh.
   Yet I want not to believe that my never love betrayed me late or soon. I want to know if it's the case but I don't want to accuse.
   "Let it rest," says my conscious.

8702.05

    Nothing to do in Lawerence on Thursday.
   Nothing happened for Manhattan -
   never saw the town - didn't go.
   What will I do this weekend?
   Or for spring break?

8702.06

    Always loved the theater. Two shows for the price of one. The plays are generally good and well produced and acted. Then there's the audience.
   High School is best and most torchersome. The boys are so good looking, But even if they are unatached or possibly gay, I know there too young. Tonight i even got a blue eyed, blonde haired, dark skined shirtless wonder on the stage.
   Picnic was good. Very good. And so where about ten bodies in the audience.
   I followed a man in his car today. He ate at Taco via' on 21st and Fairlawn. Do you think perhaps I'm getting desperate?
   I found out today that Last Sunday, Marc was in a Mortorcyle accident. I had seen and talked to him sinc ethen. He didn't tell me. When I saw him he was sitting / laying on his bed. He didn't walk for me to notce his limp - nine stitches for a 150ft skid, I hear.
   Oh well.
   Off to Odd dreams again.

8702.07

    It was a good day until I heard.
   "Repent your sins. Jesus has big plans for you. You must turn away from the path of sex."
   "Hell, I'm a virgin." I said.
   "That's not what I heard."
   "What did you hear?"
   "Perhaps its all in your mind. I felt it strongly as you walked by. Please turn awy from all but Jesus Christ. He has big plans for you."
       He told me I comitted the sin of fornification. When I denied It he called me a liar then said I held evil thoughts that would twist my soul.
   He hasn't the slightest idea of what's twisting my soul. It's the same thing that made Judas hang himself. He betrayed the one man he loved because he had no choice.
   Fuck off Ed. - Yeah, the guy was in my creative writing course.

8702.08

    Skin pulls tight over bones that no longer bend. The skin tingels like a thousand needles pricking and scratching it as it streatches and pulls.
   "What is happening to me?!" I scream in horror, disbeliefe and curiosity
   "You are growing up."
   "I don't want to grow up! It hurts. Make it stop, Make it Stop!"

    "It happens. It has to."
   "No. No it doesn't have to! I'm afraid! I'm scared! It hurts!"
   "Of course it does. How else do you expect to be the man you want to be? Do you think swords simply exist? No they are crafted and forged in fire to be strong."
   "I don't want to be a sword."
   "I doesn't matter."
   There was no water. No ebbs, no tides, no crushing waves bashing into mountain-sides. No water to gently roll over the sand and make a claming lapping sound. No water to cool the sun baked sand.
   There was only fire. Krackeling and roaring, rageing through the air with an evil hiss, turning sand into glass and glavininzing steel. The fire consumed everything and left it black, nothing escaped, nothing was purified. The fire was blinding and made everything cry for water.
   Dry skin streatched and thought to tear. Fire raged and heat made energy and fingers curled to make fists.
   "I want water!"
   "Swords don't need water. Plants need water."
   "I don't want to be a sword! I want to be a plant!"
   "Plants are weak. They live then they die. Swords last forever, passed from generation to generation. Always . strong, always sharp."
   "I don't want to be a sword! Swords clash with other swords or cleve through the plants! They make an ugly world! I don't want to be a sword I need water!"
   "Never will I let you cry, water."
   Then my eyes closed and the fire rose and the heat lay over me like a heavy suffocating blanket. Then water blast from my pours with the smell of salt. Sweat rolled over the form sizzling cool. There was a crackle like ice and like a beach made of glass it cracked where you walk. Shards fell to the fire and melted to slag.

    Never will tears make a man, they said. Never without them will he be whole, I reply.

    "I don't want to grow up!"
   "You can't help it."
   "I don't want to grow up!"
   "Forge your own fire, chose your own shape, note your imperfections and grow. Grow where you want!"
   "It's gonna hurt!"
   "You'll heal."
   "No I won't!"
   "Then you'll die."
   "I don't want to die!"
   "You'll have to, but die whole. Don't regret your life!"
   "I don't want to die!"

    "Would you rather not live?"
   "It's the same!"
   "No. It's worse."
   "Help me!"
   "Take my hand, and save Yourself."
   "I don't want to grow up."
   "It's to late."

8702.09

    Bussiness is picking up. Tommorrow starts a very bussy non-breathing week.
   New reading for Patty, delivery for Sharlette *O'Boy's Mother*, any school work and one personal appearance. Plus there are some cartoons to be made and a few sketches I'd like to do. Oh, well,     I'm alone. What else do I have to do?

8702.1Ø

    Was bussy, not way expected.
Dog appointment, Math test, Arthurian lecture, home to eat, Suntan, David wasn't home for running appointment. Talked to Shawn M* (Ha! Ha! Boy Shaved alot of his hair off because he and Mike got crabs! Ha! Ha! I'm not laughing at him but with him. They caught it from some roomates bed they slept in). oh well.
    Left, checked about clothes for job. Got stuff from Patty (her 15 yr. old dog is dieing. She couldn't stop crying). Came home for Algebra home work.
When went to sign class.

After class went to Marc's and gave him Pat's new adress (between *checkmark* job and Pattys I dropped a copy off for Shawn *O'Boy* & his Mom).
   Marc is doing good. He likes the dog he hated, starting piano lessons and I may have talked him into being a signing partner.
    Going to sleep now.

© June 2006 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)