Book 7 July 1 1986 to March 1 1987
| 8701.09 | 8701.09 b | 8701.1Ø | 8701.11 | 8701.11 b |
| 8701.12 | 8701.13 | 8701.14 | 8701.15 | 8701.16 |
| Back | 8701.16 b | 8701.17 |
*Wordy Gurdy are visual word puzzles sitting on top of the world would be
Sitting
World
... Get it. I loved these things*
I sent that this morning after I tanned, went to Meda-sist, the drugist, the store. after I mailed it I went to marc's. He was busy, I didn't stay long.
The snow falls, light and fluffy as down. A blanket of white that cried when you walked on it.
Already melting, six to four inches of grey-brown slush splatter and plop. Perfect for snow balls, but nobody to play with.
Jason's gone now. I'm going to brush my teeth, take my medicine, then shovel the walk.
I was doing all right 'till I started suking on Shawn's candy canes. Now I have the dirty thoughts to match the pun. maybe that to would make the back of my throat feel better, kind of coat the back and ...
cont.
All sorts of little day dreams .
"Bret, can I come over there?"
"Certainly. I'll be there in ten minutes."
Shawn gets in the car when I arrive.
"Hurry off." he says, thus I do.
"I really apreciate this. I heard a little party of people I don't like are coming over and I'd just as soon not be there."
Once home I undress and crawl back into bed.
"What are you doing?"
"Look Shawn, I enjoy your cmpany but I'm sick. So, unless you want to run me a bath you can sit here and talk to me or go down stairs and watch TV."
Shawn leaves the room. Much to my surprize the TV is not the next sound I hear, it's water.
"How hot do you want it?"
Once in the water, Shawn begins to leave.
"Shawn, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Why do I think I love you?"
"What?"
"I mean .... I can't get you out of my head. I care for you, orry for and about you, I would say I can't eat and sleep but I think that's the flu." Shawn laugs alittle.
"I would say I love you, but I don't really know what love is yet. I've never had it like this before. Do I love you or do I just think I do?" it stops here.
I hate when it does. It means I don't know the answer so I can't make him answer.
"Marc, I have a problem."
"What is it?"
"I have a problem I have to talk to someone about and your the only one I feel safe enough to disscuss it . with but I'm not sure I can tell you without lieing."
"Hey, take it easy. What would you tell me if you were lieing?"
I raise my left gloved fist and say,
"I think I'm in love. With a fuckin' tease who doesn't really acknowledge my existance. She taunts me, tempts me, then she backs away."
"Okay, what would you tell me if you weren't lieing?"
I take my glove off and ajust my bracelet.
"I think he knows I love him but he doesn't care."
"He!" Marc stumbles back alittle.
"He! Is a guy?! He!"
"Stop saying He, it sounds like your laughing."
This one stops too. I don't know what Marc would do. He would either kill me or never speak to me again. Each accomplishes the same thing. I lose one of the best freinds I've ever had.
But as Shawn says, maybe I've sorely underestimated Marc. It's funny. shawn never wants to met Marc because he thinks he's pre-judged him. Yet he tells me maybe I've underestimated Marc.
I don't know. I'm confused at every turn. There is not rest, at all.
My head is swimming. I don't have a fever or a headache but I may as well.
I drove by Shawn's today. He was leaving with his mother probibly for shopping and his regular allowance. I don't think he saw me he appeared to be in the center of a yawn, eyes closed.
My letter should get to him today or monday.
This has got to stop. I need to shut him out and analyse this step by step. I have to understand why I cn't get him out of my mind. I have to know what and why I feel something ... Illogical.
"It is not for man to phathom Love" someone said that. If I can't understand it then that's what I'll call it and I'll have to tell Shawn.
My head still swims. I'm going to sleep now and try to rid myself of flu. or what ever.
Sucking on Shawn's candy cane again. Trying to tide myself over untill diner. Dad's taking Jason and I out for pizza.
I drove by Shawn's again today. Twice. I didn't see him the first time. The second time he was walking. He didn't see me. I said to myself . 'keep driving' but then I said 'your here you may as well offer him a ride.' I stopped and put it in reverse. He'd gone down an alley and started to cross a yard. I figured he was probibly going to Kevins. I must have been right because when I circled back around I couldn't find him.
I went home and told myself I only feel horny because I haven't masterbated in nine days (breaking my former record of seven) and that the only reason its all directed toward Shawn is because he's close, gay and at one time showed a certain amount of desire for me. I still don't believe it. I think the elements are true but there is something more. But I won't admit that yet.
"God if I make for the two months I'll be horny enough to fuck a duck!"
"What about a guy?"
"I said fuck a duck, not a guy."
"Good, animals before men."
"No! Animals before women, Jeez your stupid."
"I was just checkin'. Maken sure your still the heterosexual type."
"I'm as heterosexual as I always was."
see how you can lead a conversation and tell the truth but make them believe exactly what they want to.
Dad was generally boring and uninterested again. Chris, our waiter at Pizza hut, was cute. Almost as cute as Christian, the waiter we had last time.
My chest hurts (from a broken or aching heart? no, just flu) and my stomach is churning ( from the starvation of attention or the hunger for love? no, just flu ). My head continues to swim (from confusion and lost dreams? no just flu) and all I can do is shiver from the cold (of solitude and wanting desire? no the flu). I wonder if the medicine is doing any good (no drug can cure what you truely feel).
I've been looking through my older journals. I'm trying to find the day, the entry when I told my mother I was gay. I found the day when I finally wrote and spoke the word, I don't remember the date, I didn't look, but I remember the feelings I had wrote about. I want to find the day I actually was sentenced to Hell. I want to make sure it really happened.
Reading the old entries I realize I felt much more intensely then. The words stir in me the feelings i had but I think more from memory then the power of the words. Words can't describe some of those feelings. I'm not sure they can be expressed. I'm glad I tryed.
cont.
8303.22, that means I was 16. funny: If memory serves 03 is April, if it is then in two days someone I didn't know would be 19. I think he told me he was free by then.
I did very well capturing my feeling in words. Better then than I think I could now.
-- " I am! What do you think of that?!"
He stood quivering and frightened, his stomach tied in knots.
The Dragon only yawned, belched some smoke then raised a claw to the boys small head and then forced it to the ground. The boy lay unconscious and the Dragon said,
"Think again boy, you may be wrong." ------
The dragon was always Society but that day it was Mother and no one else. The scene reminds me of a picture Marc drew. A knight is standing in a pair of heart patterned boxer shorts with armour and weapons strun about him. He has a meek look in his eyes as he looks to a giant dragon hand, resting on its elbow, with a piece of armur dangling from its claw as that finger motions "come here". That knights insignificance and helplessness shines through. So does the Dragons Arogance.
"Think again boy, you may be wrong."
I know now that he wasn't. He should have gottn up and kicked the . Dragon's ass yelling "Yes I am, Yes I am" he should have made the chair listen.
By the By 8303.11, eleven days prior was the first time I wrote the word gay and knew it applied to me. I remember I even wrote it by mistake and wanted to erase it. But I left it thank god. I had an writen it before, but it was in code, and it was more a game. I didn't take it seriously when I wrote it two year's earlier. I wrote it as if it was something to say, not as if it were really something about me. Back then it was just a word. Like Jew was just a word before Hitler.
I had a lot of good things to say early on. Before 8303.22 and for a while after my ideas are semi-clearly stated, wide and diverse. After hell started I started to become very depressing. Now perhaps my ideas will again become present, wide, diverse and well stated.
Maybe I can get on with life soon.
Goodnight.
There are so many other things I should be doing other then reading through my past trying to figure out when I fell hard for Shawn.
I can't find the first day we met, the party I went to, the day he moved or the day I found out where he lived again. I did find the day I told him (I miss used the word fish. To my understanding fish is a woman). I found the day we walked in the rain (ironic only a few days earlier I had written that I wanted to do that. Now I find myself waiting for April showers again) and the day we masturbated for each other.
Everything I wrote I still feel. But what about Shawn? I think I can say now that I was glad he met Bill, but when it didn't work out I realized that I wanted Shawn more then I really knew. I think that tainted my views toward Brad (that fucking Queen faggot that can't treat Shawn right)
I can barely believe I just wrote that parenthetical phrase.
From all indications Shawn's love (mine toward him) grew. It didn't happen, it grew sucking more and more of me like a leech.
I'm letting me emotions in again. Maybe I'm after Shawn because I'm horny and he's available and . he's shown me affection before.
But there's Tom. I went further with Tom then I did with Shawn (Depending on how you look at it) - I never came with Tom but I never kissed Shawn, fondled Shawn in great detail, licked him, I could go on but I won't. Do I not feel anything for Tom because he's not here. Or maybe I used Tom so I wouldn't feel as unpracticed or clumsy when I finally got to Shawn. A thought never crossed my mind with Tom but the moment he was gone I thought of Shawn. When I first saw Shawn with all his cold sore scabs gone I wanted to kiss him - I remembered the way it felt with Tom but it was Shawn's mouth I hoped felt better.
Damn it, there's my dick talking again. Every time I let my dick lead I get in trouble. Hmmm Two one night indiscretions named Tom and one Shawn driving me up an emotional wall.
I think I'll have to talk to Shawn. But when? Now? 20 years 7 months and 27 days? I promised myself not to do anything stupid before that time. Is trying to find out if someone loves you stupid.
I want to talk to Marc, but I can't do that either.
Am I just weak willed?
cont. *evidently I stopped writing several times during the day*
I'm going to continue my work with the Hidden Betrayal album now. I've been realizing that I want to change the order of Save a prayer and I want a Lover.
After How Soon is Now, after the argument between OH *Our Hero* and BF *Best Friend, it was an everyman play and characters were named by role* the passing of time is marked in I want a Lover. Here OH is shown going through the phase of "playing the field" trying to end his solitude in the arms of anyone who will hold him. This also sets up a better reason for his MA *Mother* to kick him out. Save a Prayer follows the lyrics for the most part. We see L*Lover* watching OH and liking him. OH is still "playing the field" and approaches L as one of his "One night stands, but we could call it paradise". Of coarse once OH meets and gets to know L it is known the chain stops. Then we go to There is a Light That Never Goes Out. and so on.
cont.
All but Please, Please now has the lyrics written down. I spoke an hour and a half into the tape recorder. *One part time job I had was to read text into a tape recorder for a blind student - Patty* I found out my watch is in. I found out I can't talk to Faulkner until tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I enroll. See if I can't talk to Faulkner. Tan at Sun-Tana. Then I call mom so I can run errands for her and Granny and see Grandma . at the hospital (Her cancer is back and they had to remove her breast) *this was my maternal Grandmother. My paternal Grandmother had this done earlier* I also should talk into the tape recorder for Patty.
I won't see Shawn, I won't see Marc. I probably won't see anyone.
Wednesday will be quieter. Read into the tape recorder. Maybe get to Please Please and organize the word pages. Perhaps I'll even start to block off some 3 by 4 unit blocks to begin sketches for the videos.
I won't see Shawn, I won't see Marc. I probably won't see anyone.
I still won't have masturbated. I can feel now that I given it up *Yeah right!* I'm saving all my sperm for Sh... Somebody.
Good night before I dig a hole.
Staring in the mirror today, I wondered if Shawn would think I was attractive.
After I enrolled, ran errands and visited Grandma in the hospital. I decided to write another letter. I began, I placed on off center square on the page so I could have margins. I drew it as a page on a page, even turned one corner down. I drew a half covered heart and put a question mark in it. I drew a devil with erect penises for horns on the turned down corner and drew a question mark (Horny or love?) Wrote perplexed on the bottom. In the Letter I started with wordy gurdy for . Hi Shawn and Sitting on top of world and stuck an I'm between them.
Then Shawn called. Big Shawn (*last name*) *at the time there where actually about four Shawn's that all new each other and they all had nicknames to keep them apart. Big Shawn was 6'7" so that nick went unsaid.* I continues to work on the letter while talking. I wrote "Been thinking of you", then Shawn told me that Shawn left for LA today. He's not getting back until Tuesday. He wanted to leave Monday but he didn't get his student loan until today.
I thought of destroying the letter. I must admit I was mad he left without telling me. I also realized from the last time, he wanted to surprise me by calling form LA or writing a postcard from there. Now it wasn't a surprise and I was peeved yet relieved that Big Shawn told me.
I finished the letter as a welcome back letter. "How was LA call me tell me or just say Hi" J BJ Scarriot with a PS asking him if he wanted any of my cologne I got for Christmas. *I didn't wear it at the time and Shawn loved the stuff. I figured somebody ought to use it* Dated it and mailed it.
If he calls, I'll consider faking surprise. He'll know better when he finds the letter. I almost hope he breaks his arm again. Not really - I can't stay mad at him. I want to be mad but I'm not. One more point for Love vs. Lust.
Why do I want to spend time with a guy who annoys me, wants to change me and I don't think likes me?
fie - good night.
He wore red and black and rarely laughed. Always walking or standing, never comfortable, usually distant. As this sad Jester juggled his emotions behind his back, he always checked his watch. The hands never seemed to moved, time made no sound. Wondering, is it time yet, will it ever be, when is the right time.
What time was he wondering of? Perhpas it was of when he would be free, or when his lover would come to him. Maybe he new the time of his death or when his sight would return. No one really knows, I don't think the Jester does either.
Spent the afternoon with Grandma, sitting in the hospital waiting for mobility. School starts tommorrow. Becareful folks, brush up on Arthur. When studing christian art, my symbols become christian. Now I have a course in Arthurian Legend. Shawn hasn't called from L.A. Who am I kinding, he probibly won't. I'll just keep eating Bannana's and fantiaizing. I'm going to have to talk to someone. Marc maybe. Shit.
" I won't think it if you won't think it, I won't play it if you won't play it, I won't say it if you won't say it, Oh, ........... " The Cure. Boys don't cry either.
Who the fuck am I anyway?
I look in the mirror and for the first time, I see an atractive, tan, muscular man. I can't help but wonder who he is.
Today he wore a suit, tuxedo shirt, red tie, suit coat and a stylish leather jacket. He almost looked like a bussiness man if it weren't for the feather earing.
Tommorrow he intends to wear blue jeans and a white tie with perhpas a short sleeve shirt despite the cold. Maybe.
Who is that staring me in the face from that mirror?
Often times he does obsene things, and he feels comfortable in as little as possible. I think he looks good, almost everything he always wanted to be. I bet he could have anyone he wanted. But who does he want? What does he want? When does he want it?
Who is that damn stranger?
Who damn it and what does he want?!
He's always alone, I've noticed that. I've always wondered why. He never talks. I've always wondered why. He always seems to be thinking. I've always wondered why.
God Damn Fuckin' Snow!
I despise the cold white shit.
I despise Shawn being in LA, in the sun, in the warm, on the Beach.
Fucker.
I came suddenly last night in bed. I think the Movies David took me too where to much. I remember thinking of Shawn's arms around me, then cleaning the wet spots in bed after wiping the white shit off my stomache.
I hate Shawn . He'll probibly call and gloat over the good weather . Who am I kidding, he won't call , he may not come back.
Stop Snowing Already!
Shit, Fuck, Damn.
It's hard thinking of you. Do you know what I mean when I says "it's"?
Perhaps a card for a later date.
I've decide to wait for Shawn to come home, see how he reacts to the letters and my presents. If they are favorable I'll see how he reacts to some advances. I'll work this out slow, I have to. This isn't a sudden problem, there doesn't have to be a sudden solution.
Patti paid me. I'll go shopping for one of my shirts, comic books and school supplies tommorrow then try to do some home work. Gotta be done.
"Hi guy."
"Hi, Marc. What's up?"
"How do you like my hair?"
"It's all white and frosty."
"Heh, feel it. It's frozen." He grabbed my hand and guided it to his hair. I felt the hard needle like hair as I discovered he walked to my house in sub zero weather in the four to six inches of accumulated ice and snow. "Helps my eye." he said. *at the time Marc was suffering some Migraines which Doctors said where caused by an enlarged blood vessle in his eye - turns out that was basically a 'birthmark' and not the cause of so much grief for him later.*
"Want something to eat or drink? Something warm?"
"No. I'm not that cold. Feel my arm or hand. There warm." and I reached out with my right hand and felt his arm. He pulled it back till I felt his hand, he gripped my fingers and said "See?" they were damp and clammy but very warm. It all happened quickly.
About an hour later while driving him home (passing by Shawn and Jack's first for a VSH tape) *This was Big Shawn and Jack both gay and college roommates - not lovers. Marc knew I had gay friends, he wasn't happy about it but he knew about them.* I asked;
"Can I ask you a stupid question out of curiosity?"
"Sure."
"How do you know if your in love?"
"I don't."
"Okay, your a lot of help."
"Sorry. Here let me ask though, You think about her all the time?"
"Yeah."
"Can't get her out of your head?"
"Not at all."
[ "Do almost anything for her?"
[ "Yeah" *these two lines inserted here with an arrow from the upper margin*
"When your out with her things are twice as fun?"
"Well, yeah."
"What do you mean?"
"Has a tendency to grate on my nerves sometimes."
"Boy it sounds like you're in love to me."
"Yeah, well I tried to figure that out but that was my intellect trying to make an emotional decision."
"Yeah, I know how that goes. It's like me and Madera(sp?) now."
"Heh, well it was just my brain asked 'are you in love' and my emotions answered 'well, uh, uh,pish,uh'"
"Exactly. I think that indecision clenches it for you son."
"Great. Now all I have to do is figure out if it's mutual or not."
"Well, Good luck."
"Thanks I'll need it."
"I know you will. I've been out there. You'll need all the luck you can get."
"Thanks. How are you and Madera doing?"
"Okay I guess. Every fiber of me screams to stay away from her because she's 16 but she's so much fun to be around."
"Yeah, well."
"And I can't read her like I can read others. She intrigues me a lot."
"I know how that feels."
"She seems to want me but I don't . know."
"What do you mean?"
"She keeps telling me she wants to go out and all but she doesn't really seem to encourage it."
"I know exactly how that feels."
"It's like a communication problem like crossed wires or ..."
"Conflicting signals" we both said.
Marc and I are in the same boat. Neither of us knows where we stand. But at least he was able to tell me that what I feel is probably love.
"Do you want to go in with me?" I asked
"Hell no!"
"Okay. I don't know how long I'll be though."
"Best not be to long."
When I got back in the car I shut the door.
"Sorry that took so long."
"Didn't they have your tape?"
"Yeah."
"Didn't see you carrying it."
"Inside pocket of my coat."
"Oh,"
"No, It took so long because Shawn and I almost got married."
"What!"
"I told Shawn I went to Past Tense, his favorite place to shop, and got a ring. He tried it on and made a joke about us being married now because I gave him a ring. Then he found it was stuck on his finger."
"Oh, that's better."
"Heh, heh. We got it off though."
"Anything else exciting happen?"
"They were all getting ready to go to Lawrence."
"Lawrence! In this weather?"
"Yeah, there's a new bar opening there."
"So"
"No, you don't understand, There's a New Bar open there."
"It's still stupid."
"I know. They don't even know where it is."
"They're doomed."
"It's funny this one guy turned to me and said 'Do you know where it is?' and I said 'I'm not that interested' and he looked at me so strange. Then Jack just walked behind him and said 'He's straight' and the other guy just goes 'Oh.'" We laughed about that awhile. I took him home and told him we'd talk later.
I can't wait for Shawn to come back from LA to all this snow and misery. I hope I get to try and keep him warm. I hope a lot though. I haven't heard from him at all.
*You know, it's even harder to type in a hard memory like this when you already know how it turns out.*
© April 2006 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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