Book 7 July 1 1986 to March 1 1987

8612.15       0.0 *Note; just above the date, over the date is the scratchings of a pen that obviously wasn't working. In / Over the text of the first paragraph in a large red marker are the numbers 6699       6257 and I can't tell if it's my handwritting or not ~ I believe NOT ~ and I do not believe they are in any way related to my journals.*

      "I don't want to live in a world of Darkness. I want to live in a world of Light. I don't want to live in a world of Darkness. I want to live in a world of sight. I want to make the world go around, the world go around."      Steve Miller Band.

      I came twice today, one sitting one stroke, double the pleasure.

      Helping Big Shawn move furnature tommorrow.

      All my seramics are home. Mome loved Ego - the pompus fool. *He's a pot, he holds nick nacks in front of my sink*

8612.18       1.0 <- Days free from masterbating

      Finally kissed, I was so worried. It went so far without a word. I Don't know. I can't even Remember Tom's last name. Shit, what would Jason say?

* More Details follow. *

8612.19

      This morning I think I remember it being Mac*slaughtered the spelling of the rest of his Last name*, Tom Mac*. A friend of Jason's from school who kept in touch after he graduated. He talks to Mom alot too. He's back from his California college visiting.
     We became arranged in the basement; Mother in the gold chair, Jason in the Rocker, I on the far side of the couch (closest to the comics) and Tom reclining on the rest of the couch. This is where it began.
     At first I just thought he had figitiy toes. Under his blanket, which covered part of my legs, he played "footsie". I like it and I played back a little, worried and ready with a figity toe excusse. It was never required.
     At 9:ØØ mother left to go to bed and Jason took her place in the gold chair. We put in the Whoopie Goldberg tape and here is where I knew he didn't have figity toes. It became patterned and directed. He was going further and further up my leg.
     Jason was sitting right there but I wasn't scared, Tom was good about keeping it quite and unvisible. I even caught his eyes once. That's what set me on the serious tract. We continued to speak as if nothing was happening. Nothing - it made it spooky and distant.
     Jason left for bed after Whoopie. Jason made me get up and go after . long underwear. When I came back, I considered sitting in the gold chair. I didn't, I liked too much what was going on. Even if only footsie came of it I would be happy. It's not were it stopped.
     We watched Joan Rivers. We continued to talk as if nothing was happening. Half way through Joan he sat up next to me and started with the hands. I simply followed his lead as I had been all night. I started with my hands. I tried to basically do back what he did to me, but Tom is tall and he had a greater reach. Soon he moved in closer.
     He lay against my chest, sucking on my tits. We sucked on eachothers fingers. At one point, with his eyes closed, he looked up toward me. I knew that look from the movies, he wanted me to kiss him. I had never kissed anything but relatives before. I was nervous. Not even Shawn kissed me or took the care to go so slowly. I remembered Wierd Science and the kissing scene. I opened my mouth alittle and pressed them against his and then he kissed me, and I caught on quick and kissed back.
     By this time we were both also bared. My robe undone and hopital pants down under my dick. His shirt open and his . button fly's undone and his underwear down around his nuts.
     Blanket on the floor and heavy breathing, still we talked, when we did, as if nothing was happening. tom seemed the pro. I was wrapped around his fingers. I tried not to let him know.
     His dick was, I don't want to say "so large" because it wasn't. It was about as long as mine but twice as thick. I thought about a blow job but felt untimidated. Shawn was basically right "You wouldn't even know what to do."
     About 11:30 or closer to midnight. he said he had to go soon and asked me if I wanted to cum. I told him we should stop while we where ahead. I guess I still have my virginity.
     I feel as though I should feel guilty, but I don't. Tom is cute and I enjoyed what we did despite the fact I felt clumbsy about fondeling him back.
     I saw him today in the mall, we waved. I wonder how he feels. He had told me was realitively new to this and was 'experimenting' though he had done this before.
     I wonder if I'll see him again, what will happen and how far it will go.
     I still feel distanced though. Maybe I could be a porn, star.

8612.21

     I would write something if I had something to say. I have something to say, but I don't know what it is, so I won't write anything.

8612.29

     I may have put my foot in it now. We'll see in a couple of days.

-- "I have to get better. It's beginning to affect my sex life" (to Kevin Dec. 28 '86)
     Never let sickness or desease effect your sex life. There is always someone who will love you. To a point.

                    Signed
                              
     I also, in another letter, sent back the picture he took of me. I wrote my name the date and time it was taken on the front. On the back I put a sticker that read "Finders keepers / Losers weepers / You took it / You kkep it / But be gentle / With this part of me.      D D K *skull*" and a Jester in the margins. A letter acompanied the picture. It was a Christmas thatnk you note with a P.S. Your camera works P.P.S. I'll still send you a better picture.
     All this is sent to Shawn.
     I did end up telling him about . Tom.
     What is he going to hink of me now? Can I live up to what I say? (Actually I'm pretty sure I can but how long will it last?)
     I see us in each others arms and he says "What don't you like about me?"
     "honestly?" I ask
     "Of Course."
     "You drink, you smoke, you steal, you cheat, you scheme, your childish,"
     "Jesus! What's left to like?"
     "Your childish. Your more independant , I can worry about you, I can talk to you, and though the parts don't add up - all your componets I find every attractive. Fro some strange reason, I love you." There is a silence, then I ask, "What don't you like about me?"
     "Your wiered, you have a beard, long hair, you dress funny, you nagg, your a closet case, you live in a fantasy world, you like Comic Books!"
     "What's left to like?"
     I can't answer for him. Maybe he likes weird. Maybe he lies to antogonize me. Maybe he likes me because he can wrap me around his fingers. Maybe he doesn't like me.
     Last night I started to think about my twenty-first birthday. I had a dream Marc beat the shit out of me and Sammy patched me up. She and I went for a walk, then it came out and she beat the shit out of me.

     "What do you want fro your birthday?"
     "Marc, you must think hard and give me the gift of a question. Any question, and I must answer truthfully."
     "What does the glove stand for?"
     "Marc, You have asked a question that may well end our friendship. May. It depends on how sorely I have underestimated you or acurately estimated you. I wish you would have asked me something different."
     The pain came emotionally first, physically next, then fully emotionally.

     "If they can't deal with it, then they never were your friends."
     As often as I have told myself that Shawn, I have always known it wasn't true.

8612.31

     New Year's is nearly here.
     Resolution's ;
          Stop masterbating.
          Do not Despair. Find all you can to live for.
          Exercize - become fit and better looking. (Gymnastics again?)
          Finish the opera video layouts.

Here's to the last six months of secrets!
     Go at least 1 month and 27 days before doing anything rash.
     Goodnight.

8701.02

     After I went to sleep marc woke me. So at about 1:3Ø AM in the new year we went out and partied around untill 3:3Ø when we came back and he stayed here to sleep.
     He left about 11:3Ø when he awoke. I slept with my braclet and on my left side to keep it down. Shawn refuses to believe I kept my mind pure. David came by later.
     Between Marc and David I broke New Year's resolution #1.
     Today I kept resolution #1 and will continue.

     January 2, life begins. A
     walk to find out what I can be
     what I can do, what I can see.
     The air was sweet as candy
     The sky bright and sunny
I'm stuck on this line. I must end with F
this line must end with "Golly Gee"
then H
then I or eye ro 'aye
then blue jay or Jay or some other J
then Kay, or K
then L
then M, N, O. P or pee or pea, Q will be tough
are or R, S, Tea or Tee or T, You or ewe or U, V, double ewe? or W, X, why or Y, then easy

8701.03 considered

     Holding true, and yet.
     I couldn't stop eating today. I bought two suckers and a tootsie roll and found a blow pop in my cereal. I had two helpings of macaroni and cheese, a PB and J sandwich and some potato ships, pepernutties and assorted other pieces of junk.
     Jack envited me to go roller skating with everyone. I accepted. I showed up at the apartment and told them I'd met them there. I got there before them, I ldft and came back. I saw Jack's car, I knew they where there, I left anyway. I knew I shouldn't be there. I didn't belong and I knew it. I told myself it was because of the hight school kids I knew would be there. I knew it was because I know I wouldn't fit in. Jack and Jay, Shawn, Kevin and Charlene. I don't think Charlene likes me, I know she thinks I'm a liar. Jack and Jay are great but conversations stop and they're together and it hurts to see others arm in arm. Kevin is comicbooks and Shawn is ... Shawn is.
     I found them later at the apartment. Later I went to Shawn's He was preparing for bed. Shorts and a sweat shirt, barefoot. The last scab was picked off his face. *-ouch- Okay, I'll point out it was cold and Shawn usually got a cold sore every winter.* I looked at his legs, his bare feet and again found myself supressing urges to hold him, to kiss him, to try and talk him into . "sleeping".
     I left because he needed his rest. I left because I had new Year's resolutions. I left because he let me go.
     Tonight I again realized I am caught between two worlds, niether of which I belong in. Frankly I don't want to belong to just one of them, I want to best of both worlds.
     Why did I have to met Shawn. If I hadn't, I'd still be a miserable little closet case that had never seen th light. I'd still be miserable but I wouldn't be wanting.
     I would be miserable, I would be wanting, but I still wouldn't know what I was missing, what I was wanting.
     I'm getting nowhere with this.

8701.06 *Warning - Gay Erotic Fantasy depicted*

     We never talk anymore. We never did really. We've always been distant, afraid to spoil the magic.
     "Have you heard the new song by the Stones?" I ask.
     "No." answers John.
     "It's good."
     "I'm sure it is .... I like the stones."
I sit down next to John and we watch TV. Cartoons are the only sound in the apartment. I put my hand on John's thigh. With out taking his eyes off the TV he raises his arm and puts it over my shoulder, pulling <me up close to . him, and draping his hand over my other sholder. I always loved John's hands, even as it hung off my shoulder as if dead, it looked like it was carved of stone like some greek masterpiece of art. It was gracefull yet hard ... and cold. All of him was like that. He worked out all the time. There wasn't an ounce of fat on him so his skin clung like a wet cloth to well developed, ridgid muscles.
     He was wearing shorts and a T-shirt. It was cold outside but he hadn't left the apartment all day. His leg was warm, but hard, like a smooth stone sitting in the sun. I traced the lines etched into his muscled leg softly with my fingers. Up and down, around and around in little circles, working closer and closer to the spot between his legs. He gave me a little squeeze then his fingers began rub my shirt gently against my nipples.
     "Woody Woodpecker is always so funny." I said quietly.
     "Yeah," John said as he pinched my nipple, "He has the goofyest laugh."
     Soon John, had worked his hand across my chest and under my shirt to <my other nipple. I could feel his finger nail gently scrapping that sensitive bump alternately with his claoused finger tips circling around the edges, and . acassionally giving them a pinch. That always gave me goose bumps.
     I had worked my fingers up the leg of his shorts and was now runing my fingers through the warm hair over the tendon, streched tight like a steel cable, between his leg and sctrotum. I closed my eyes and turned my head up. I could feel the warmth of his breath against my face, then I felt his lips. They were slightly chapped because of the weather, but they felt good. I ran my tounge across the back of his teeth. They were smooth, like the peebbles on the beach. His tounge met mine and moved on past into my mouth like a battering ram.
     He had unbottoned my shirt and begun thumbing my nipples with both hands acassionally venturing down to my navel. I brought my other arm around behind him and began to work my <way up his T-shirt. I didn't want to take my hand from his nuts because they were the only soft, spot on his body now.
     I had my hand on his nipple now, it was small and hard, like a fleshy claouse laying on a stone. I lick it and suck it hoping it will soften with water.
     I heard the music for the Pink Panther as John unbottoned my jeans and and began to probe my erection. We kissed again as he held my dick and I heald his balls.

     I left a silvery trail down his stomache, which evaporated soon like the water on sauna stones, and put my tounge in his naval.
     "I hate the news." John said. All his muscles spasmed in sudden movement as he got up. The cold air swirled around me & I shivered.
     "It's supposed to snow tonight." I said as he changed the channel to MTV.
     "I know." Martha Quinn giggled and looked to the floor like an embarassed school girl as John took off his T-shirt. As he took his shorts off, bareing his ass to David Lee Roth, I tossed my shirt on the floor and layed down on the couch. He walked over to me, his penis slapping against his stomache as he moved. He grabbed my pant legs and tugged until they gently glided off my legs leaving my underwear on my ankle. I kicked them off as John began to lay down on top of me.
     His heavy, rigid body made contact with mine from toe to chest. I exhaled from his wieght as his lips met mine and we kissed again. I could feel his rock hard erection pressing into my stomach as my*I* lay against his washboard muscles. I ran my toes along his calf as he licked my ear and neck and my hands ran up and down his back resting on his firm ass.
     John stood on his knees and began to work his way down my chest . with his tounge. I rested one hand on the back of his head and closed my eyes as the Pretenders came on MTV.
     His tounge rested on the head of my dick and moved downward very slowly. His tounge was wet and rigid, like running a hot ice cube up and down my dick. Up and Down.
     We never talk, but we always seem to know what the other wants. John turned around into 69 position. His erection seemed glued to his stomache. I reached up and pulled it down untill it hung like an stilagtite above my face. My tougne stretched out to met it. I stuck my tounge into the little hole but met with sturdy resistance so I tickled the hard, throbbing head.
     John exhaled in excitement over my moist balls as his tounge continued to work down, down into the quiet recesses of my body. His sturdy arms reached around and pulled my legs back so he could get to my ass easier.
     His tounge penatrated deeper and deeper as I swallowed more and more.
     Once again John got up but only to turn around. Holding my legs up he pressed the wet stone deep into my body, then decended to kiss me as he thrust again and . again. The rythmic thrashing of his stomache rubbed against my erection, I was almost afraid the muscles would pinch my dick between the crevaces that definded those ridged masses.
     My hands traveled up and down the muscles of his back and buttocks that spasmed in rythm to the stomach I could feel against my erection. All the muscles were ridged, tense and hard, all of them rubed the right spots. His skin was so warm and I felt fevered. "Bodies are made of fire." John used to say. "Souls are make of ice."
     The spasms become quicker and quicker as did his breathing. When he exhaled my ear became moist, when he inhaled they became cool and alittle dry. There was a peroxism of heat and movement and my insides felt warmer. John felt even harder then usuall and I could feel the moister of persperation between us. We kissed again and I felt empty as he withdrew his erection from my ass.
     John rolls off to one side and we continue to kiss. John's eyes are closed, and passion begins to fade.
     Soon he is asleep and his muscles are relaxed and they almost feel soft. We won't talk anymore tonight, but I know he's dreaming of me. I fall asleep next to him listening to Martha Quinn giggle.

8701.06 cont.

     I went downstairs for lunch. I called Shawn's number, knowing it was disconected. I had a balogna and cheese sandwich, then I had a bannana.
     "Hi " Shawn said.
     "Hi!" I replied.
     "Whatcha' doin'?"
     "Eating a bannana and thinking of you." If he'd a called, I'd a said it. I ate both the bannana's for that reason. I guess I'll have to learn to like cucumbers next. Then again.
     Five days and counting. Maybe that's the excuse. It seems shorter then five days, maybe I will make it the whole year. (Optimisim - Optimisim)
     Last night was Jay's Birthday. now he's 19. I can't remember when Jack's Birthday was but he turned 21 on a weekend. Thus Jay in 2 years younger and partly 3 years. Just like mom who is 1 year younger then dad but durning tax time they are the same age.
     Met Ben again. Had a long debate to convince him I wasn't gay. Big shawn helped alot by insisting that I wasn't. It was secretely funny.
     The preceeding story is based on experiences with (in order of importance) Tom, my imagination, Shawn M. and Marc.

8701.06 cont.

     Bought a porno mag. Not good, still . holding to new year's resolutions. Probibly take it back and get the magizen with Rick Donnovan in it.
     Goodnight.

8701.07

     Exchanged magizen. David Stous slapped his hand on my back just as I finished paying for it. I didn't jump, I didn't start, I didn't panic. I must be getting better.
     He asked for a ride to work, I told him no. We said goodbye.
     Almost lost it today, but I made it. I will at least achieve the 7 day record. Can I make the month and 27 days. If I can, then I don't need to start again.
     I haven't really seen Shawn since the 4th. I've been trying not to drop by without an invitation or reason for beening there. (The subject was brought up again how it is I that hang around Shawn, not vise-versa) I miss him.
     That is sad.

8701.08

     Woke up. Pineing, Pineing, Pineing away. Tanned with an erection, not because I wanted to. The more I tryed not to think of Shawn, the worse it got.
     Considered buying Shawn lunch, had it all planned out. Go to McDonalds (I only had eleven dollars) bring him home, be all alone. See . how far I could let it go.
     I began to remember all the times we touched. The two times we huged, the times we wrestled, the times he used to lay naked on or next to me. The Cure playing "Let's go to bed" in the background. I wanted to take a bath with him.
     I went to Marc's. I woke him up, I didn't mean to. I tried to leave, seven days now and I'm so horny .... He insisted I stay. I offered to buy lunch. He showered, we went, we talked. I enjoyed the time alot.
     We talked about love songs. He asked me about my love life.
     "I decided long ago that my love life was no ones bussiness buy my own and the one I was loving."
     "Ah, Bret! Leaving your Buddies out in the cold!"
     "Look, if you become involved, you become involved. Besides, what's to tell? A mistake, a fuckin' tease and a one night stand that didn't get me anywhere."
     He had to go to work. I went home. I didn't feel well so I slept. I had an erections my thoughts were divided between Shawn and Marc.
     Shawn if you happen to be snooping and read this stop your giggling, ohing and ahing and put your I - told - you - so attitude away. Marc may turn me on but it's you I seem to want to fuck.
     I had a dream last night that . Marc was gay and making passes at me by playing love songs and placing his hands on my tits. I ran away in the dream, confused, angry and betrayed. I could never sleep with Marc. I think my phscology is engrained against it.
     I slept all day. I am sick. I slept from 1pm to pm. I only answered the phone twice. I ate, I watched TV. Now I'll sleep again. Maybe even late into morning. Maybe tommorow I'll write Shawn a letter.
     Have a touch of flu
     Got plenty to do
     But I'm thinking of you
          or
     Have the flu
     Got nothing to do
     but thinnk of you
          or
     Thinking of you
     Nothing to do
     I have the flu
          or
     I have the flu
     Thinking of you
     Give me something to do
          or
     What am I to do
     I have the flu
     and thinking of you
          or
     What am I to do
     I'm thinking of you
     and I have the flu           or

© April 2006 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)