Book 7 July 1 1986 to March 1 1987

8611.18

    I watched Moonlighting. The Character David Adison reminds me alot of Marc. I though of him in San Fransisco. I'll bet he watched the show. I watched and I see Marc because he acts alot like Marc and because Marc started me watching the show. Funny how tonight dealt with Adisons ex-wife being a lesbian.
    I see Marc, and David Adison, as very neat people. I like, maybe love, them. They have there bad habits but you can't help but love them. I find myself wanting to be like them, but no completely. I can understand Maddie Hayes position. Like always I find myself in the middle, wanting to assimilate, wanting the best of both worlds.
    It's not a bad thing. It's not completely impossible. It's something I'm beggining to accomplish and feel good about. Marc started all of this, long ago.
    Why can't I bring myself to fight back for what we had. That friendship still mean's everything to me. I can't do it because I'm afraid he'll hate me for what I am.
    I want to write a song called "Micheal, you give good head."

8611.19

    One hero at a time, yet its still hard going. need to analyse X-men, Swampthing, Moonshadow and Watchmen yet. Have to add discusion of the art work and write the histories. Diffine Literature as an insight to man or statement of his society.
    Left hand first above the covers. Right hand open beneath the covers as he sleeps. Why? Left hand, not right a fist because its closed off. Right hand reason open because it is correct. Right hand covered because I sleep and reason is not seen in dreams, though it is there. Left hand out because I am allowed to dream, at night.

8611.23

    Damn, every time. I've been a bad boy. But I feel so much better. I finished my paper, went over to Shawn's.
    The moods were right, we wresteled, we teased, we talked. I loved it. He was a little mean, I didn't like that but I wasn't going to pass up the time. His body is so warm.
    The more I look at his face, the better looking it gets. He looks like Clark Kent or an Ivy league lawyer. It's distinctive.
    Kevin came over and pretty much stopped our fun. I had his keys and wouldn't give them back. He threatened to kiss me. If Kevin weren't there he'd a had to do it till I caught on to kissen' back.

8611.26

    ¹The hot water hit there cold bodies.
    ²Every night as I lay in the dark I kept expecting someone to lay down next to me and hold me.
    ³I wish I could get Jean to talk to me again, but in the mean time Donna's keeping me satisfied.
    ²I can almost feel those strong arms around me sometime.
    ³If Donna's bussy I can always call Christa,
    ²But the form is always hollow and my bed empty.
    ³Or Kathy.
    ¹The goose bumps began to fad an they both thought it felt good and let out a sigh of relief as there muscles relaxed and stopped shaking.
    ²His name is David. There's a poem on his wall that says his name means beloved in Hebrew. He's so strong.
    ³Damon has been my friend for as long as I can remember. I did a report in mythology about a guy name Damon.
    ²Always getting into fights. I've had to pull his fat out of the fire more then once.
    ³Damon's always been there for me, but he's a little strange.
    ²I don't mind though.
    ¹The cold rain falls outside on an autum day as the lightening tears the sky apart.
    ²"David, hand me the soap, please."
    ³He never goes out, he doesn't fuck around and he won't let me fix him up.

    ²One day my prince Charming will come long, and I hope he's as good as David.
    ³As much as Damon has done for me I wish there was something I could do to cheer him up.
    1Rain soaked clothes, lay on the floor clinging to each other like they did the bodys that wore them. Red shirt next to a grey T-shirt, black pants next to denium with a trail of white socks and BVD's.
    ²The water reminds me of the rain and the memories of Davids T-shirt clinging to his body return. Why am I doing this, I can't let it happen.
    ³As the soap runs off Damon's body I wonder again how he got all those muscles when he never does anything.
    ²God I'm in a shower with may best friend and I can't keep a clean thought.
    ³"Are you still cold?" I ask. He's still shaking ad his eyes are darting every-where.
    ²I'm so nervous and David is starting to catch on. I'll just try to feel the steam and close my eyes so I can't see the soap bubbles carress his skin and flow over every ridge of his muscled body.
    ³As I let Damon pass to get back under the water the thought hits me, maybe he's gay.
    ²I face the wall and let the water roll down my back and around my face; trying to forget the feel of . Davids skin as his moist body glided past mine making only the slightest of contact.
    ³I think I know how I could cheer him up. His back turned to me the water rolling off his body and down his ass, I reach out.
    ²There is a sudden feeling of closeness that makes my stomach knot as I feel Davids hand on my shoulder and the warmth of his skin.
    ³Just pretend its only Jean
    ²I start to have troubble breathing
    ³Or Donna
    ²I have to get out of here. David is my friend.
    ³Or Kathy
    ²Not my Lover
    ³It's only sex
    ²My heart stopped and my life flashed before my eyes. Alone all this time
    ³It's only sex, an act, a function
    ²When David was here.
    ³It's only sex, only sex. Close your eyes and pretend.
    ²He pushed so gently, achieving penetration slowly. I felt so hot and weak. I tryed to grip the title but there was nothing to hold.
    ³Jean or Donna
    ²Tears came to my eyes and I realized David's dick wasn't moving.
    ³Or Kathy

    ¹David asked if the water was hot enough. Damon said it was fine as he shivered in the door.
    ²"I need to turn around for this David."
    ³"I'm not sure I can do this to your face."
    ¹Damon's tears were hot but the water was turning cold.
    ²"Then, please ... don't."
    ³What have I done?
    ²David slowly pulled back and it felt like the forms I dream at night.
    ³What have I done? Something went wrong. Not Jean
    ²I released my grip of the title and open the curtain grabing a towel to wipe the tears from my body.
    ³What have I done?
    ¹Damon walks into the cold his heart shattered but beating. David slides down the wall of the shower until he sits, his mind a blank, under the stream of cold water. Damon, dressed in black-clutching the towel like a lost lover, left a not: Call when we can be friends again. David's mind was a blank, he could find no memories no images, no reasons. Damon walked out itno the rain to hide his tears.

cont.
    Marc will live. His blood vessle is a birth mark and his pains are a migrain. The doctors are certain the migrains are treatable, mostlikely cureable.
    He brought me an oriental mask from San Fransico. He bought a sword. Brian Cowen came by with him, he laughed again. I don't know about Brian. We'll see.

8611.28 considered

    I give thanks to for all my friends and there health. I thank them for understanding or trying to understand me and my many moods.
    Big Shawn half drunk, held me tight and offered to make me feel better. After all he had a bottle of KY, he said. Little Shawn called and told me he has mono. Despite the Doctors orders he is out tonight. I for worry for him. (? *Heart* *Crossed out heart* 2 I NO *heart* IS?) David was here, what else can I say. He started my evening wrong.
    Good morning. good night, Good whatever.
    Maybe I should have ... nah .

8611.29

    Nobody seems to care, there isn't enough love to go around.
    Kyne is so good looking but much to young and queer.
    Shawn C. is a nice guy but he's queen and much to large. *tall - thus the nick name 'Big Shawn'*
    Jack is a great guy, I can identify with him, but he's taken.
    Jay is good looking, nice guy, and a lucky man - to have Jack.
    jack and Jay are probibly the two I can identify with most. They aren't raging Queens like the rest of them.
    Kevin and I can talk about comic books, that's it. He's a queen too.
    Marc is one of my best friends, as close to physical perfection I can see, and he's straight. He's to much my friend anyway, always has.
    David is "Nasty", both of them.
    Shawn Mc ............... "I don't know. He gets better looking everytime I see him. He's not a queen but its not secrete he's gay. At first he was taken. Bill, who is alright but I had a bad feeling about. Then Brad, again, who is a queen and a half and I never liked once I met. Shawn and I have nothing in common, he hates comic books, milk, and imaginative fiction. He drinks, smokes, and steals. Yet, we can talk and I continue to care about him (almost wrote "for him").
    Is this love? This I do but I don't, shit. If it is I don't like it. I've almost fucked him, still I've never been kissed. I want . someone who will hold my hand and love me before they fuck me. I want a hug and kiss and some conversation. Not a fuck.
    Where am I in this world. Nowhere. I need a job, I need a place of my own, I need self confidence again.
    Shawn can't give me that, hell no one can. He's the first I can't turn my feelings off for. For awhile I could. With Bill and Brad there, I did. But there not there now and I can't. It's not like I can't eat or sleep with out thinking of him. Often times I hate him. When he leaves for great lengths of time I don't really miss him, much. and yet .... there is this unexplained something. Soemthing I will turn off.

8612.01

    Shawn made it easy. He and "Bradie" are giving it another shot. Shawn's second choise is Kevin Operman. I went to school with him, we had nothing common.
    Those feelings are turned off.
    I know what your thinking, "He can't just turn off feelings." No, I can't, not all of them. But I've all ways been able to nip Love in the bud and send it in another direction, usally friendship. It works. It had to, It does, it will.
    The other night I actually forgot I was gay. I wasn't straight, but I didn't feel out of place. I don't know why.

8612.02

    Shame on the Night, for the places I've been, the things I seen and for sending me the strangest Dreams.
    Damn those dreams, damn me for having and perpetuating them.
    I'm sorry Marc.
    Damn, now he's here.
-------
    Symobolic representation of my dreamx.
    Hiding in the shadows I saw the teacher and feel in love. Gold about his head, I gave him anything and he gave back what I needed, confidence and self-esteem. Then I sucame to the darker urges. I reached for the gold. I kissed christ and and as I held him in a cross I nailed him. As I hammered away he bled and cryed but I saw yellow skys with red and blue clouds. He didn't fight, he gave me everything. When I awoke the warm waters flowed. I was alone and the guilt was overwhelming.

    Basically I had a wet dream about Marc. It felt good but I felt bad about it.
    He took me to school, we skipped out of the last part of class, he ate, we talked alittle he took me back for my next class. Shawn Corcoran gave me a ride home and I want a car so I can see Shawn McGee and take him with me to see Star Trek IV. I have the money and we been talking about it . for weeks. Marc hasn't seen it either and I'd like to see it with him also, but he can't swing it today or for awhile yet. I'd like to work on the Opera but I need to rewrite my paper. That is what I should be doing.     Good bye for now.
-----
    Blake, Logan, Garison, Grayam, Gar, Bryce, Gavin, Marc, Mars, Luke, and others. Uncommon names that I admire. Add Judas despite its bad conotations. Traygen, Kurt.
    I can't stop thinking about Marc's hands. They have done so much, and I am attracted by them. He's feet are equally beautiful. I've stopped thinking of Shawn and started on Marc. It has to stop. Galviston, Victor, Maliki, Mathias.
    Submerge myself in Odesseus, Jekel, Portrait of an Artist, Batman, Hulk, Swampthing and Moonshadow.
    Alexander, Lance, Brutus, Kirk.
    Must be rid of the thoughts. All of them. Can't sacrifice my self but I must be separate from what can not be. Marc, Shawn, Jack. I can and will be alone until I am found by someone who can love me back, the way I need to be. Blaine, Trevor, Nicademus, Gillete, Charlamagne, Antony.

8612.04

    I'd like to take him aside and scream porfanities, but I'm not that mad. I'd like to ignore it but I keep thinking I should pull him aside and scream profanities.
    He did it again, it's happened alot before. I'm tired of it.
    Before Star Trek IV Shawn said 
"Well at least I know what I am and I'm not ashamed to admit it!" Jason was there, I don't think he was paying attention but then again, he's an actor. I trusted Shawn with something I've told no one else but my Mother, and she locked me away (just less then seven months to go). He said he could understand how hard it was for me to tell him and that he would keep it a secrete. Yet he holds this over my head. He says things like that or that "everyone has you pegged" as a line to shut me up or make me deffensive in public.
    I am not ashamed to admit it. I have made a deal, a promise and I am a man of my word. Damn it, wait seven fucking months!
    I don't like being manipulated by someone betraying a trust.
    Damn it Shawn, why can't I get as angry as I sound?

8612.06

    Pat came back yesterday night, just before midnight. Went and talk to him until 1:3Ø then went and bugged Shawn while he baby sat for Reva. Came home about 2:1Ø.
    Just got back Shawn and Jack's. Watched Enemy Mine. Great film. I get ... is jealous the word I'm looking for? ... watching Jack and Jay. They seem so happy. I hope I find someone I can be as happy with.
    I actually feel somewhat tired. I'm going to try and fall asleep despite my cough.

Keeping up a night watch
Dreaming of twenty-one
Wondering about my friends
Worrying about me
Think I'm losing my sanity
What will they say
If they learn I'm gay

8612.07

    I'd give my all for anybody I know.
Does that make me a push over?
I continue to find it hard to feel angry or contemptous toward any one.
Does this mean I'm not whole?
I like to think of every one as my friend.
Does that mean I'm nieve?
I try to remain altruistic and keep my motives clean and clear.
Does this mean .... anything?
    Why can't anybody seem to love me?

8612.08

    Tickity - Tickity - Tickity - tack - ding
whiz - thud - Tickity - Tickity, Tickity
Tickity - Tickity - tack - tack - Tickity
tack - Tickity - Tickity - ding - tack -
whiz - thud - Tack - tack - Tickity - Tickity

    I've read it so often I don't know what it means anymore. Just keep typing, get it done, hand it in, but get it done first. Is it good? who cares, get it done. Keep typing ignore the pain, forget your fingers, forget your back, keep typing, get it done.

    I sleep in an empty bed but I'm not afraid. I have no pajamas but the blankets keep me warm. The silence is deafening but the headphones are loud. I dream alone but I'm never by myself.
    late at night when I'm asleep he comes home, tying to be quite. He undresses and takes my head phones away. His gentle hands feel warm against my ears as my hair is brushed aside. Slowly he lifts the covers and glides in next to me. I stop pretending to be asleep and roll over with a hug.
    "I love you." I say.
    "I know." he whispers back, "It's why I cam home."
    Together we ride into the land of nod my dreams filled sweetly of you.

    I look forward to this in times like these. Don't let me be wrong.

8612.1Ø - 1.Ø

    I have not time but I must.
    Hot then cold, never warm Shawn confuses me. Only 3 men have ever give me a long strong hug. The kind I crave and live for.
    1st Chris Brown, human relations class, it was an assignment but it felt good.
    2nd Marc Tolbert, soon after. After a day of arguements and other bad events Marc gave me a hug. We had argued over hugs that day - I liked them - he didn't like to be touched. I took him home and tossed him out of my car. He wouldn't let me leave until I got out. I stood between the door and the car an when he couldn't get me to move anywhere else, he hugged me. Even though it was through a door and I didn't hug back because of my mood, I felt 2Øx better and remember this to date. 
    3rd Shawn hugged me again yesterday. To say thank you for my help with his graphics and other things. I melted in those arms.
    "Ah, I needed this."
    "What? a hug."
    "Yes, no ones given me one in a long time."
    "Aww, not even your mommy?"
    "Yeah, mom has but its not the same."
    "You want hugs from boys."
    "Well, yes and ..."
    "Shame on you."
    I exhaled in a semi-laugh and pulled away. He didn't need to feel my erection

        His production was today - it was good.
    Finished typing today - Yeah!
    Tall Shawn got a nasty secrete admirer not on his car. He can't figure out who it is. He thought I might have done it as a joke (ha-ha he's still fooled). He's not sure he's going to go and met the person as requested.
    Saw Jack talking to Jay on the phone.
    School will soon be over.

8612.11 - 2.O

    I almost lied through my teeth today and tried to talk to Marc about Shawn. Almost talked, because we didn't but conversation would have allowed it and it was on my mind. Lied because I would have used pronoun's and incorrect ones at that (her is the biggy).
    It scares me to think that I am 2Ø years old and I have only been hugged four times that stick in memory, been so close to getting laid I could taste the cum, and never been kissed at all.
    Damn, what am I going to do? I haven't even made "2Ø years 7 months and 27 days", Morissey. Why can't Shawn love me without the sex or the critisim. And to keep it quite for a few months. Somehow I cling to the myth that he does love me, beut he can't admit it because I have a beard, I don't drink, smoke, dance or deal in the underhanded.
    I love his feet. There to big for his . legs but I like his legs. He doesn't have much of a chest but his hands are great. And he can hug so .. . .
    Listen to me. I'm not suposed to be feeling this. I can't let me. Hell, Shawn says I'm in love with Marc. Once true, long ago, but not now. Hell, now, despite myself, I'm in love with Shawn. And I still don't know why!
    Why must I know why? Isn't love supposed to be unexplainable?
    The weirdest visions have been popping into my head.
    - Shawn is playing with me in my room. Hot and cold, hot and cold. I complain, I fight back, we wrestle. "Your just a closet boy. You wouldn't even know what to do." "Shut up before I hurt you." I yell back. "I'm bigger, I can fight better. You can't hurt me." "Oh, Yeah?" quickly I use what Marc has taught me. Shawn's shirt up over his face but off his arms and his pants on the floor before he realizes. Naked before he can stop me I pick him up, a squirming mass, and carry him to mothers room. I throw him on the bed and slam the door behind us. His eyes are filled with shock, horror and worst of all excitement and expectation. I stop. "Your right." Then I leave, hot and cold. - 
    - Images of me and my lover, Shawn and Brad. we're at a party and Shawn and I flirt with each other, still. -
    - "Shawn we'll have to pop it and let drain or will become infected." "But it will hurt!" "Shawn, I love you. I would never intentionally hurt you." "Ow!!" "Unless a greater deed for your happiness would come from it." - 
    `Suddenly I gag. I run to Shawn's toilet and I vomit. Instantly I am gone and a desperate child is left behind. the first word I yell is "Mother" then vomit again. Instead her soft loving caress and lilting voice I feel big hands and steady voice. "Be calm ... your alright ... get a clue ... that's it ... hush ..." When its over and my mouth is clean I sleep in his arms, well. - 

    Marc why can't I feel confident enough to talk to you? Why can't I feel good enough to lie to you to do it?
    Why do I smile when I think of Shawn?
    Get a grip. Turn it off, man. Turn it off. You did it for marc years ago, for Jack when he met Jay, for Chris with Lisa, for Shawn O'Brien, Dave Wills, Pat Schmidt all the rest of them, do it now. Turn it off.
    Why can't I believe this.
    Shawn looked threw my magizens and said dirty words. He poked me with a ruler, felt me with his finger and asked me to scratch his dick. He manipulates me like I do an image on paper. It doesn't . always come out perfect but the result is clear.

8612.14 - 3.O

    Shawn is blowing his life and I'd like to help. But even if I could he wouldn't let me.
    Shawn slept with Big Shawn's boy friend (big Shawn hasn't even done that) and he played abit with Shawn Elliot. Elliot is straight, Shawn said he was curious but not that curious (as in Shawn went to far  that and Elliot is only 17).
    Shawn says he feels as though he has done something wrong.  Ha!
    Yesterday I hung around Pat and Marc all day and toped the evening with Laser Role play. All marc did all day long was make fun of my "Gay friends". I was more then mildly annoyed.
    It would appear that the one and only time I wanted to have a level atmosphere and I actually felt good, Shawn's gonade's were in high gear and Marc's sence of humor and bad taste came to the forefront. It's getting to the point I can't hang around marc without wanting to kill him and Sawn is tearing me apart (verbally emotionally and physcially). I can't take it any more. I also can't take another social Coma.
    Why do I feel asthough I should be breaking glass with my fist or bleeding?

8612.14

    After I wrote the last entry the earth shattering thought of solitude hit me and I left the house. I used the $60 dollars dad gave me to pull gas and oil in my car and I drove.
    As always, when deep thought hits me, I ended up at Burnet's mound. I parked, sat, thought, listened and walked. I went on the paths of the other mound, my think spot. I remembered back to the earliest trips. The bicycle ride that let me see my first human nudes in the act of fucking. The spot where I pissed through an erection. The clearing where I lay nude one day. The trees I used to sit in.
    The tree's had all grown thorns and would no longer accomodate me. The winter and the wet still rested on the mound. I remembered that the last few times I'd been there it was autumn or winter and nothing was green or warm. I tried to remember and imagine green and warm. It was hard.
    I found where I had once built a fort. The boards where still there now old, black and rotting. There were still the remnace of an older fort and the fresh wood of a new one. I imagined the kids building the fort and picnicing like Richard and I did. Like David and I did. Like Marc and I did. And I remembered the pain of burning out the ticks

from our hair and ears.
    It was so quite as I sat in the stillness my ears rang. I saw Shawn sitting with me in the woods. I saw a faceless lover picnicing under the thorns with me. I saw myself naked and running through the trees. I imaged photographs of the forts, the trees, the birds, the sky, the moon. I stared at the moon.
    It was almost full. There was just a small piece missing making it flat on one side. like a ball that had been hit. I didn't notice the dark falling.
    When I went back to my car it was dark and the city lights where on. I found Marc's house, saw Brian's on the hill. Looked at the capital awhile and guessed where Shawn's house was. There was another man on the mound, he was cute but he didn't stay long. I followed his headlights down the side of the mound and into the city until I lost him.
    It was sixn when I went by a bank and seven when I came back from the lake. I'd been gone four hours and wasn't ready to return. My mind wasn't empty yet and I didn't want to be thinking.
    I went to the Princess. *the X-rated Theater in town at the time* Used more of dad's $60 to get in. The movies where bad but the boys were cute. The movies were bad because they didn't show much of the boys.

    1Ø:3Ø now and Shawn isn't home and Marc's is dark. I'm home writing and ready to sleep. I don't think I'll see Shawn or Marc for awhile. I think I'll be alone and only perhaps see them durning finals at school. Alone, can I do it, can I handle it?

© 2003 October (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)