Book 7 July 1 1986 to March 1 1987

861Ø.19

- Damn -
    Monday Begins some serious changing of my attitudes. I will burn for these changes, one way or another. But I'm confident that I can make these changes.
    Let's see how it works.

861Ø.2Ø

- One -

    I walked to school. I walked home. I met Shawn on my way out and we spoke of his life. bill - brad and everything else. He seems to be okay despite his problems.
    Got a second letter from Pat. He spent me and Marc's in the same envelope. Haven't been able to reach Marc. I'll give it to him in class tommorrow, if he's there.
  I'm not mad about he's never calling to go out last friday. I've decided that.
    Tommorrow I also need to check the English office for a copy of my story and visit with my English teacher about my grade.
    Let's see what happnes tomorrow.
-- supplimental (shit wrong page) 8610.21 sup.
    I stared at a green spider as I brushed my teeth. I contemplated killing him but I was caught up in his form. Long front and back legs shorter second, shortest third. as I leaned down to spit the white foam he must have left, because he wasn't to be seen when I looked up again.
*spider sketch*

861Ø.21

- Two - 
    Yesterday while walking school a butterfly flittered on past me in the sun light. I thought how grand it would be to fly even if only at the speed of a butterfly.
    I watched as it rose and fell flying much like the falling leaf. Then it ventured to cross the road. It gathered some and began to cross. It fluttered its decorative flat wings and as the car's passed it was tossed about like the autumn leaves. Up then down and precariously tossed about until slain. All I can remember was rooting for it to make it then metallic blue roared by and it didn't have enough altitude. I heard a ping the monarcy butterfly simply skid across the road, stiff and dead like an autumn leaf into the gutter.
    As I continued to walk I saw three other monarch butterflies, all laying at the side of the road subject to the winds like the leaves they lay in.
    I wondered if the car was blue that struck them down. I wondered that if when I'd fly, I'd be struck down by the blue.

861Ø.22

- Three -
    I'm living my life vicariously off of others. Like a vampire or leech I seek others who have lived and ask them to tell me what they know. Then I live through there experiences and relish there memories. I want to live, but how? I remember all they have done and more.
    I listen to the radio and hear electric guitars and synthesizers. The voices are powerful and beautiful, yet they aren't real at all.
    People call on the phone and I listen to there electric voice. They tell me how they are, how they feel and what there doing, but its still so far away.
    I watch the TV, and hear the static on the picture tube. The artifical colors dance on the screen with artifical people acting out other peoples lives.
    Going to bed I pull up the electric blanket on cold winter nights and listen to the hum of the clock.
    Days of electric stimulation and nights of the electric silence. I can't take it anymore. I need an organic love. One that will talk to me, fill my heart and entertain me with his presence. One that will kept me warm on cold winter nights and be real.

861Ø.22 supplimental

    Stand tall, sit up straight, disipline is the answer.
    Alot goes through the mind of a man about to die. I have nine months left to live, the way I am.
    I want to write a song about a man with a hanging garden. He has a putrid green house with mandrake growing through the floor boards. Many people have seen his garden but none return because its not plants hanging in his garden.

861Ø.23

- Four -
    The pain is so great I took three NO-ASPRIN pain relievers where I usally never have any.
    I hunted him like a beast. I felt so creul as he hid and looked at me with broken trust. I tired to be nice but he clawed and bit. Chased under the couch and desk, dismanteling rooms to get to his cowering form. Why should I have to be so creul. He feircely fought as I shoved him in the bag. His screams made my mind curn and my conscience vomit. I zipped the bag shut and took Doctor to the vet.
    Why does my head hurt!?
Why won't the house explode.
Cum not again. So I wore a medal.

861Ø.24

- heh-heh-heh Damn! That was good - 
    As the water turned cold an image flashed into my mind and my member sprang forth under the pelting water. I stood, erect, rocking my hips under the water and makeing the water colder. All I could see in my mind was Jay Clev (John Clevenger) as he walked naked and drying himself in French hotel rooms.
    No, I won't touch it, I won't. I've gone four days, I want to make a week. Yes, I'm weak I need discipline. I can do it resist. I stood rocking my hips under the water. It felt so good I thought I might cum without the help of my hands. Would that count? No, it wouldn't count, not as long as my hands weren't involved. Like a wet dream, I consciously am not responsible for the orgasm. Rocking my hips, making the water go from cold to ice cold. Rocking my hips, thinking of Jay Clev and his large body. Remembering his short, bobbing flacid member. Imagineing its growth, thinking of him rocking his hips.
    Fuck it! I grabbed my dick and turned off the water. There was a mirror on the floor, I propped it against the wall and watched my hands. It liked the warmth of my hands. It didn't take long. I seemed to cum forever and there was a mess . to wipe up.
    I'm Sorry Clev, but it felt good. Tommorrow I will start again, this time I will make five, maybe more.

    J. B.J. Scarroit's (alis Mimic) rock opera of remade songs is still on video and album charts'. It was one of the reason's public opinion of him an his homosexuality changed and he was asked to rejoin Hero. Finally dropping his mask as a member of Hero they recorded the smash double album record comeback and A day in the life of Hubert. Once again the musical talents of the band shone through and hit the charts hard with there resurgence. with B.J's directing talents behind there video's again, they sold out and topped video charts for over a year.
    Once again, however, B.J. has shocked his audiences. Today simotaniously with the release of his new solo album he revealed the fact that he has lead more then the two know identity's of Mimic and J B.J. Scarriot. He revealed five other identitys including; Damon Killgrave, noted freelance comicbook illustrator; Kevin Rebus, Novelist and winner of many famed awards; Steve Franklin, Hollywood Director and Producer for such hits as "Child Killer", "King: the Story of One Mans Love", "Demonicus" and the aclimed comedy "Love Triangles"; William Hyde, the "faceless actor" . who stared as the voice in many cartoons and radio adds and then recieved Oscar nominations for his roles in "Rune Quest" and "Elephant Man" all of which required heavy make-up; and Bo Roberson, his birth name, an employee of Berkstien temporary services.
    Along with this news he anounced that he has soiled the image of Hero and can no longer function as there lead singer. He stated that he will still work with Hero as a songwriter and video Director.
    His new album seems directed at breaking his hero image of a Good guy. The album of orginal songs is titled Obscene, we are not at liberty to state any of the titles here on the air.

861Ø.25 considered
- Damn -

861Ø.26

    Monday, day of Hell
    Tuesday, day of
    Wednesday, day of the Penacel
    Thursday, day of
    Friday, day of Heaven
    Saturday, day of Betrayal
    Sunday, day of Mercy
    In seven days I found and Killed
    My greatest Love of all
    Monday, day of Hell
    Dark and dreary

    Everything is bleary
    The cold gray air hung
    heavy, here rose the suffocating sun
    Time trapped me / in the physicall world
    Time turned killing me / taking my breath away
    Sands through the hour glass
    Blistering my solitary soul
    Confined, Alone
    In a harsh world of Greys
    Where is the last sand of my life?
==
    Saturday day of Betrayal
    The Slaughter day sun rose            Perhaps just
    Blossoming in tones of                     fire, blood, gold
    Hellish fire, spilled blood                <--- ?
    and small flecks of gold
==
    Depict Crusifiction
    hang himself on sunday

Week is labeled for discovery of god 
love of Christ and his faith
Friday should be in perfect ryhme
except the last two or three lines
were the Romans make there offer

861Ø.26 b

- Damn -
    Over to David's to see the charade of the young, poor and semi-homeless.
    I was asked to draw portraits of the couples that I knew probibly would be together by the end of the week. They all seemed so . pitiful and the women so homely. I tired to keep the images nice. Shave a few years off the faces of the women to make them appear more there age. Then there was the one that asked if they should be nude. I said I didn't care. We went down the stairs to her place, her boy friend John refused. She put on her g-string and sat in the corner. I drew her while warding off her child Savanna.
    For one her age who had birthed a child she had a nice body. I think she was a bit unnerved at my lack to response to this. I only sat and drew, no comments were made. She seemed to get more nervous as time went on. John appeared angry at her when we returned.
    David still wishes me to draw he and Jenie, his lastest girl friend. He hints to the possiblity of my watching again.
    I'm sitting here now my mind rambleing on in a blank. I will retire at this point.
=====
    ~
     |
     v
    Beauty hides the Beast
    Lust over Love traps the sinful man
    Don't try to Tie me down
    Chain me Down with your "Love"

    You give whore's a bad name
=====
    Flesh under nail
    Blood upon my lip
    I'll have you
    My obsession
    Striped to the bone
==
    God there was one other now I can't remember. oh well  back to sleep.

861Ø.27 

    A wet Dream?
    I remember a man pissing on the concrete. I tried to watch then he and his friends turned around and he pissed on my leg. I beggan to clean it off as they joked about fading into the distance. I limped across the parking lot because the leg pissed on cramped like your jaw does during a yawn. I passed Dave & Rick we said nothing because I was limping. My name was called and I was annoyed. Telisa, Tonya and Tammera *neighbor sisters* needed me to open there trunk. I did it easily. Suddenly there were many other girls laughing and giggling.
    "I don't know. I only know why we pick on him so much." she said. I turned to face a room of them (girls) one began to read from a magizine the responses "A because he's a nice guy, B because he's gay C because he's . a virgin and D because he's a Dweeb."
    "Because I'm a nice Guy." I said.
    "We all said ... Answer B because your Gay."
    "Yeah, I knew it. Thought I'd play your straight man for the joke though." as they all gigled a huge good looking man in a white towel came out a door and siezed a man and a boy in white towels and dragged them through the door. All us men were scared of him.
    Suddenly I was on the floor with a man with a mustache our white towels thrown off to the side. He was writhing under me, his dick in my ass. As he writhed, like in inch worm we traveled toward the door. In the hieghts of passion I tryed to stop us but couldn't. I began to cum in a more watered but continuous way. I could then feel the orgazim coming. I woke up and felt my throbing dick spasming but not letting anything lose.
    I lay in the dark trying to calm myself being thankfull I didn't cum. As I rolled over I felt a liquid run across my stomache and pool on the bed. Not cum but the clear liquid predicesor. I cleaned it up setting off the . dog. Then slept again and dreamed Kevin Abernathy was redrafted because of a prison record. He and other large black folk moved the army base into the house next door (to the North) The white woman Drill sargent was mean. At the same time Marc was moving with Erics help in an old black pick up. For some reason the yards were swamps and Jake and I travelled around on a speed race boat. Not much happened except alot of confusion in moving, getting caught in the army camp for a short stint. Meting everybody here and there. Mom attacking a large furry catipillar because she wanted to pet it. and generally being unhelpful in Marc's move. We also had to attempt to sing "Mercy buckets to vou'" instead of Happy Birth Day to you to several people. I also went to buy boots with Marc and we met wierdoes. He tired to hurt them or pick up on them while I tried to help. Then I woke up now.
    Time to type for school.

- One -
    Thinking of Scarriot's album Obsene. I have been writting the songs. I hear one of heavy breathing - hah - is an exhale, okay

(It starts as a rythm, like a steady drum beat)
    hah ... hah ... hah ... hah ... hah (it steadily, almost unoticable gets faster as a soft droneing electric guitar joins in)
    hah, hah, hah, oooh, hah hah (pleasurable moans arise then the words start, they are soft & labored) Oh Baby ... you feel so good ... oooh ... Oh Baby ... do you like that? ... ooh (the breathing is now scratch mixed like on Depech Modes Black celebration) h-h-ha, h-h-hah, h-h-ha, h-hh-hah (Female voice) Do you love me? (M) Why do you ask now? (F) I want to know. (M) Shut up, we're fucking. (the moan's begin to escelate to a peak the guitar exsentuates the feeling) (F) Stop! (it come's down suddenly back to regular breathing, slower) hah . hah .. hah .. hah .. hah .. hah .. hah (M) What? (F) Do you love me? (M) I'm fucking you aren't I? (F) But do you love me? (M) No! Now shut up Bitch and Fuck me! (breathing again seclates) (F) No I do (Hpahmm m) (hand over mouth) h- h - hah, h - h - hah, h-h-hah (instead of moan's its a muffled scream) (M) Don't bite me Bitch! I don't need this Shit! (it esculates to point before and continues to a conclusion where the screams slowly become moans again in there last orgasmic moans she says : You Bastard. breathing comes down to normal and he says Your . Moneys on the counter) end song.
===
Supplimental
    Hero's fourth album has just hit the stands and breaking all kinds of industry records. It's first record is having the longest album title; "Please Stand by - We are experiencing technical difficulty due to a Scratch in Time". Although the record, tape and Disc all have the same songs they were each mixed differently as was the music for the video.
    " See, the idea was to take a song and then put it through the technical problems of its media. For instance the record has scratches, warps, skips and dust whereas the tape is garbbled by wrinkles and gets folded so as to play the songs backwards." said lead singer and co-producer of the Album Mimic. (He didn't mention that the disc reverberates).
    Mimic understated the inginuity of the record. It starts with the warning; "Do NOT ajust your equipment. WE are experiencing diffuculty due to a Scratch in Time ... Repeat LET YOUR STEREO BE WE are experincing difficulty due to a ..." The needle then catches in a speacily designed groove and "scratches" across the first side then begins to play backwards (inside to outer rim)

with the first song "Scratch in Time". the second sides last song hits a skip which causes an inflinet loop of the last frame of the song "This night will last forever"
    Aside from the four unique mixes of every song (one for the videos) the packageing is ... odd. No one cover goes through the printers in exactly the same way. The pictures are goofed, smeared, miss alligned in the collor, off color, one or more of the inks fadeing, sent through the printer crooked (some even completely diagonal, Miss cut, miss glued (some found no glue at all was used). All of this made for billions of subtel differences that made no two album, casset or disc packages alike.
    There is one perfect copy though. One with no scratches or skips, warps or loops. The package is the designers original (Done by D. Killgrave popular comicbook illustrator) made with no errors. It's on display at the Smithsonian, donated by the band.

861Ø.28

- Two -
    Only tuesday and anxiously awaiting Holloween on Friday. The holiday that allows you to be anything.

    I was ... Born a Bastard,
    On New York Streets
    My Mother ... was a Whore,
    With several soft spots
    Growing older in Hell
    Playing on the street corners
    Mother said ... One day, son
    You will fall in Love
    Then I would turn to her
    And say ... Fuck that Shit Bitch
    Like you I need no romance
    Just a Fuck, no more

    I was ... only fourteen
    the first time
    Losing my virginity in Jail
    Catching a disease
and Making Mother cry
    I was ... only fifteen
    when I met you
    You asked ... want to go steady
    I looked tenderly in your eyes
    And said ... Fuck that shit Bitch
    Like you I need no romance
    Just a Fuck, no more

    I was ... Hot and horny
    So were you
    In a back alley trash ben
    I fucked you till you bled
    Then you ... sucked me dry
    I licked your cunt
    and kissed your ass
    My finger up your twat
    I turned you over
    You said ... Fuck my shit hole

     Like you I don't need Romance
    Just Fuck me harder, no more

    You were ... a Bitch
    A cum sucking gutter slut,
    We broke several beds,
    Every night for two years
    But you ... still fucked others
    I didn't care all at
    Now your pregnant
    And you tell me to marry you
    I tenderly turn to you
    And say ... Fuck that shit Bitch
    Like you I never loved you
    Your just a fuck, no more

    I was ... Nineteen, when I,
    Saw you next
    A cum thirsty Whore
    With a ... Bastard stuck to your leg
    You smiled and said,
    masterbation, filacio, Fuck any hole
    Only fifty dollars, Sir.
    Unless you want me back
    I ... smiled back and 
    Then said ... Fuck that Shit bitch
    Like you I don't need Romance
    Just a Fuck, no more

    Then you ... fell to your knees
    And sucked my cock
    Just like ... old times
    There on the corner,
    Child watching
    I nailed your wet puss
    And made you cry

    before I came on your face
    Again, you said quietly
    Fuck my Shit hole
    Like you I don't need Romance
    Just fuck me harder, again

    The child ... cryed into the night
    His mother in escasy
    I fucked he hard
    Made her cum again
    Bleeding on the concrete
    She said ... Come back
    I loved you so much
    I said ... suffer Bitch
    She cried ... I'll be good
    I said ... Fuck that Shit bitch
    You had your chance
    I needed a Fuck, no more
    You wanted Romance
    Fuck that Shit bitch
    You lost that chance
   I needed a Fuck ... No more        end

this is much better then then one I originally wrote. This is on B.J.'s album Obscene. The title is "Life of Dick"

861Ø.25 - 27 (separate sheet inserted into the journal - front has first date, back has second date)

My mother was whore and
I was born a Bastard, on New York streets
Thought I'd lived through hell
But Then I met you Bitch
You wiggled your its
and flashed your cunt
My dick got hard
And I fucked 'till my virginity was gone
I would have followed you anywhere

Caught you masterbating in the bathroom
so I fucked you 'till you blead
You screamed "No baby please!"
So I came on your thighs
You called me a bastard
I named you Bitch
You gave me a disease
I fell to my knees and licked you dry
You wanted everything
I gave it
You fell to your knees
And sucked me dry

Then you left me bitch
I didn't cry for you cunt, I didn't.
I fucked every whore in New York city
Dragged a few children home
Always thinking of you

Now your back and cum thirsty
You say you want me
And I have you
Fucking untill the day is gone
You say you want to stay
    Fuck that Shit, Bitch
    Pack your bags and hit the door

    you scuzzy little whore
    I ain't pussy whipped
    Hit the streets, sleep in a ditch
    It's all your good for bitch
    Suffer you Bitch

861Ø.29

- Three -
    December 3 (8612.03) is Gwen's birthday. December 17 (8612.17) is Chris Galveston's Birthday. Tomorrow is Shawn Corcorans.
    I lust after Chris but from the way he talks he does drugs alot. I couldn't handel that.
    Jack met Jay, together they lay
    Jack is a glow, awaiting his next blow
    I wonder what will become of they
    no one seems to know.

Oh Shit! I think I was supossed to go to Davids today and draw he and Jenna then maybe watch. I got tied up seeing Shawn and painting his Superman T-Shirt for Holloween. Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow when skiping class and see what's happinin.
    There's another flea, the fuckers can die. Good night and sweet dreams to all.

8611.01

- I didn't make four and yesterday was Halloween, day of the Damned. so, One -
    It's colder then a witches tit in a brass bra outside. Halloween was a fiasco and a joke.
    Watched KISS mets the Phantom of the Park so I have Lick it up and Shout at the Devil in the tape decks.

    I'm slightly ashamed. Jodi's "date" (as she insists) knocked at our door thinking this was her house. She likes this boy then there both lucky. Jodi's wonderful and this guy is so cute and he smelled so good. Oh well.
    Saw Shawn M. Today. listened to Brad, his Ex (maybe becoming prensent) lover rattle on about the drag show at "Club Lamda". The boy is as queer as a three dollar bill.
    I feel confused again. For no aparent reason. All I feel like doing is staring into space. Thats why I'm writeing blah - say trite shit instead of emotional feelings or stories of imagination.
    Fuck it, I'm going to sleep. I can't think of anything anyway.

© 2003 January (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)