Book 7 July 1 1986 to March 1 1987

8609.16

    I just read "A Night out with the Boys". I made a few minor corrections. I may add another sentence here and there, but I think its pretty finished. *This is a porn story written elsewhere* I'll type it sometime and let someone read it (That means Shawn considering he's the only one that could - he knows and all). Maybe I'll send it off and she if it can be published. That would be a thrill.
    The renasaunce(sp?!) festival gave me another idea. I formed a line in my head that fit those Knights from creative Anacromizms, "Let me hammer you over my anvil" maybe even add a pun about straightening him out.
    I am listening to Marc Lejune right now. I'm listening to him ramble about Time Lords called Asining Masters which are Gods that watch over our souls. There is a Race of people that evolved before us, they left the planet. We were suposed to like them but ET's interviened and made us. Two races Gray and Tan are fighting a war about us and some of them are preserved in the pyrimids and have the names of history figures (In the pyrimid there are records of space men named Kubla Khan).
    He's afraid of insects because he saw the fly and doesn't want them be big. He kills them.
    ( I haven't said anything yet. I'm listening not at all only writing down the major movements of a . conversation that has lasted 14 minuets )
    He's talking about the adaptiblity of children and bacteria. Stuff that falls off us become new plants. Soviets trying to colonize a planet but it can't be there planet. No one owns a planet.
    This proves there's life out there and there coming here. Thousands of races which have been here in colonies and on Mars.
    The Government is keeping people away from the Spinx and the temple of Shalua and Aztec monuments because it proves our alien heritage.
    He mentioned the invisible planet - alternate earth. Some stars are our planets (Great man he actually looked at an astrolgoy book - moving stars are Venus and Jupiter) I changed ears.
    Mars is a read planet. The 12^th planet? Is alternate earth it. It's writing in ancient sumarian text. Aztec & Eygpt are deciended from Red haired aliens.
    Aliens will give us a map of there colonies, But others object. He doesn't know who the others are. The masters or our government.
    Nuclear war stuff. Time void will be caused by this danger to the universe - because the aliens don't want to die so they won't . go off.    (25 minuets now)
    The Arabs want to kill us. But US Russ & China will kill them first. US & Rus won't lower the arsenal because China won't.
    Ancient prophesys and bullshit Johova witnesses. They get people because they get poor, umemployed, useless people (which is why they harass Marc).
    Modern socity makes sex impossible, soon we'll all be one sex. Lawyers make money off this.
    I just hung up. 20 minutes is the limit I put on this shit. I told him I had to be someplace by 3:15 its 3:ØØ now.
    God, I never want to be home when he calls.
    Of course no one is alowed to enter historic monuments it changes the atmosphere and ruins them! Common art history rule 1 - Don't destroy the works you study.
    I have to cool off. Goodbye.

*Marc (not Death Dealer) had a habit of calling and rambling these wild theories into the phone. It wasn't a conversation. I never spoke except a grunt or hum to show someone was there. He was agravating and entertaining at the same time.*

8609.19

    J^BJ Scarriot

Damned before I began
Sitting in the Silvery night
Sitting in the Sun rise
Damned before I knew
By a friend and his father
Still need a clue?
I hung myself over
thirty pieces of gold
and a kiss

I may be able to work this into the bigger poem.

8609.21

    Jack turned 21 last night. At the last minuet I was invited to tag along, but no one told me where it was. I couldn't find it.
    This morning Shawn wouldn't tell me where it was. This morning no one was home, or they were asleep.
    It would appear no one wants to talk to me. No one invites me anywhere. No one ever home. Is it them or me. Why.
    Why do I feel alone once again. Alone and lonely. Thank god I don't really know what I'm missing. If I'd been in love before I could be dead now.

*Jack is a gay Friend from School. Part of the circle of Shawn (C) and his cousin Shawn (M). Shawn (M) was the one that wouldn't tell me where it was.*

8609.23

    Can you tell me my life isn't over and make me believe it?

    I was babtized in electric water as I walked against the wind and with the storm. There was thunger and lightening, dark ominous clouds and a steady cool breeze. As I walked I cheered the lightening and rumbled with the thunder. Then came the rain. Lightly at first, then suddenly in sheets. I danced in the rain and swept my hair back. I felt good but I slept.
    I woke up feeling good.
- One -
    Nothing could stop me. In my head I've lived a fiction. I met a man called Craig. He was runing naked in the dark on a cold night. I gave him a ride. Later we feel in love. We did alot together, he even tried to teach me how to fix cars. We went to art shows and the theater together. We sparred and saw movies together. We met each others friends, we met new friends. He nursed me to calmness durning a taco fit. We brought rings for each other and went walking in a storm, dancing in the rain and splashing in puddles.
    This morning in the shower he had to move to Alaska. We decided to stay friends, but we would have to break-up. Letters and a voice are . good but they can't keep a relation together. Things begin to change, each one grows and the distance becomes real. I loved him so much I cried in his arms, he cried on my shoulders. Then I went to Marc's and I said, "Can you tell me my life isn't over and make me believe it?".
Some how he did.

    I went to school in a good mood.
"Good morning" said Marc.
"Good Morning!" I replied.
"How are you?" he asked.
"I'm in a good mood!"
"That's great. It's been a long time since I've seen you in a good mood."
    He left for a Doctors appointment. Later we went to the Library and World of Wheels then talked to Shawn O'Brien (I played with the Birds again too. They're so fun).
    I'm still in a good mood, but its wearing down. I should walk in another storm but its not raining now. Maybe I'll walk anyway. Maybe.

        Goodnight.

*There was no real Craig. I frequently had fictional lovers and played out possible scenarios. The walks in the rain, and the conversations with Marc where real.*

8609.24

- Two - 
    And tonight I stayed home.
Recorded some shows for an absent Jason and got some work done. Now I lay me down to sleep.

8609.25

- Damn - 
    Johnny Carson was funny, so where his guests.
    yet again I am ready to fall asleep and die. vicariously live another live and reawake sound.

8609.26 considered

- Damn! -
    It was so bizarre. I walked out of Brian's house and threw the yards was a ray of yellow gold light in which all the drops of rain appeared crystal white. Then looking eastward, away from the sun, there was a giant arch of lights. The grey sky met a faded reflection of lights moving red to green eastward. After the ribbon of light the sky was black until it met a bright array of colors moving Indigo to Red. The Red stripe marked the end of the Storm as it was a very light hazy gray after that. It was as if it where a gate from the storm for I saw the lightening race across the sky and met the brightest rainbow, stop and flicker for its moment and vanish.
    The whole scene was framed in Blue because the storm didn't go forever. But as the sun set it turned to red then the gateway vanished and it became black. Lightening wove through the clouds like . whitish blue thread and then the rain came. In sheets like a grey hazy over a Purple - Black sky. then it all stopped and the velvet black night was revealed with a three quarter moon and sparkeling stars.
    I hope the pictures turn out.
*They didn't, but I still remember that sight. It was fantastic.*

8609.27 

- One -
    A spider bit me. I can never find Marc. I may have a job reading to a blind woman. 

8609.28

- Two -
    Shawn said it was boring so I did alot with him today, yet he still said it was boring. He wants to see Bill, he'll always be temprate and board until he see him to satisfaction.
    Its time to close our eyes and try to dream of a serious hug.

8609.29

- Damn it! every time two! Why?! -
    Began to write a filthy song today. Something BJ. would sing once gone from Hero.
    She called late tonight. Tommorrow at one. I still don't know her name.
    "Hey, If she's blind she can't fire you for your looks can she?" Thanks Marc, I love you too.

8609.3Ø

- Damn -
    Helped Tall Shawn paint obscene clothes. Jack was in a bad mood. still haven't met Bill, left Shawn a note about locking his apartment.

861Ø.02

- Damn yesterday and Damn Today! -

861Ø.03

- Damn! -

861Ø.04

- DAMN! -
    Spending time with Shawn off and on. Went on an escapade to Lawerence with him. Never saw Bill. Thinking of Marc, Staring at Dave in ways to be ashamed of, having thoughts about Jack.
    He is nice, down to earth and fun. Responsible, knowledgeable, more manly then the rest. He is also obnoxious, often rude, and he is no modle, but he feels good.
    They tryed to get me to the club again. I didn't go. I went to Vista and stared at Dave. Then Mark O. came in with a friend. I stared again. Then used Shawn's line "I'm going to Blow this popcicle stand." to leave. Forced myself home.
    Jason's staying the night at Troy's. I've heard stories of He and Heath. Relief, anger, Disappointment, fear, Jealosy, hatred, ambiguous, nutral, gone,

861Ø.05

- One -
    Went and saw Jack today  we talked while he worked. Shawn called. He rented Back to the Future and F/X, I didn't go over or 'call' back. I mowed Grandma's yard and watched the fag next door change clothes on the porch. I read my comic books and had orange sherbet today. Everytime I listen to Reel around the fountain I think of Tom (the Emporer). Everytime I hear Hand in glove I think of Marc, I don't know why.
    I need to shave, I need to sleep, I need someone, I'm going to listen to the Smiths again.
    This is what's on my mind.

861Ø.06

- Two, steady now ... -
    Pat wrote me from the Marines. He said ht longer the better so I wrote three pages and the picture he asked for. I drew the life theme "Reaper and Jester" One my best.
    Marc came by. 9:2Ø pm. I was eating my cereal. Half thinking of a story, half thinking of giving Marc Pats adress tommorrow in class.
    "I was just thinking of you." I said
    "Oh really, nasty thoughts?"
    "No," He laughed as I continued "I can't allow myself such thoughts."
    He hinted toward his "No sleep weekend" in Manhattan. I hope the Bitch is worth his time.

861Ø.07 

- Steady ... three ... steady now -
    Tall Shawn brought over the wall. We watched it and he met mom. Niether were quite prepared for it.

861Ø.08

-Steady ... hold on ... no! Damn! -
    It was interesting. Shawn M. had to write a letter to a friend. She asked how he knew he was gay. I read his explianation. I agreed with what he wrote.
    Just last night while fading off into sleep I realized I'm going to have all sorts of problems when I "come out". No major problems, just things like ... asking for dates.
    Shawn once accused me of running from my problems, that I couldn't admit to myself I'm gay. I'm not. Like I told him, I made a promise to mom - 21 then I'm sure. I'd prefer dealing with them now, and in a way I am. I just won't have any field experience.
    Chris Galvin, Bo Trospor
    sigh.

861Ø.09

- Steady. Damn. -
     The things I know but cannot tell. Oh, the things I've done and can't tell. Oh Shawn William McGee, how dare you make me an excessory. How dare I go along. *this is less like I usually write, and more like it really sounds.*

The Model -
    "Hey you, what are you doing from now untill noon every Tuesday and Thursday for the next six weeks?"
    "Me?"
    "Yes you." the old man spoke harshly.
    "I'm sleepin', sir."
    "How'd you like to make $3.75 an hour for sleepin with your eyes open."
    "Sir?"
    "Look, i'm the sculpture teacher here. I need a modle for the busts my class has to make. The modle I had lined up just cancelled."
    "What do I have to do?"
    "Just sit there and stay still for 15 or 2Ø minutes at a time while we sculpt you."
    "You have a deal."
    That's how it started. There was whole class staring at me molding clay to my image. They got to know my face pretty well, but I got to know there's also. There was one I'll never forget. He was so handsome and he got nervous when I looked at him. Little did I know what those stares would turn into.
-------- The two get involved. Its strange because each looks up to the other and trys to be like the other (Role Models); the model is a Punk, athletic and physical - The sculpter is meek, artistic and contemplative. the relationship tears them apart in 6 weeks ---

I still want to write the obsession story, rewrite the Rape and put down some pure scum.

861Ø.1Ø

- The pain, Shit One -

861Ø.11

- Damn -
    Da Dant-Da dant - Da da da da dant      Pops    Concert.

861Ø.14

- Sorry - Damn, damn, One, -
we're caought up now.
Shawn M. being an ass is reading this shit an laughing
ta -
continued -
    Shawn spent the day here. He went through my des read part of my journals, had me look some days up in my journal and read them to him. One of those was August 25 (8608.25). I was flattered he remembered such things. I read him the rap story, he read model, I read half of 'A night out with the boys' and had to stop. People were coming home.
    We spent alot of time walking (I got him to walk 5 miles and another 2 miles later) and talking. Mostly we talked of Bill, L.A. and Shawn's life. We talked a little about everything. I t was one of . those talks I missed. The ones like Marc and I used to have.
    I really do miss those talks.
    Shawn is so in Love with Bill. He's torn up about because he doesn't know how Bill feels about him. I hope it works out. I hope one day I'll be that in love. And I hope I'll be ripped apart and left alone so I'll no longer be naieve or puppy like. Pain enough to make me cry, make me grow old and eventually whole.
    Sounds almost silly wishing for a broken heart, but I need that too. I want all of life. That's not to much to ask for. Most people don't ask for it and they miss something.
    Shawn and I are quickly becomeing the friends I thought me might once be. Friends like Marc and I used to be. Like I hope Marc and I will be again.
    Marc and Shawn are the only two I have ever let read my journal. But with Shawn I can final speak about my homosexuality. Something I need to talk about and he can understand.
    I'm tempted to say that I didn't get anything done today. I didn't get anything done that was suposed to. I acomplished something today, I grew alittle, helped someone work out part of there probelms and got to know them better. It's quite abit actually.

861Ø.17 

- One -
    Drunks and Hysterics are the soothsayers and prophets of the present. they say exactly what they mean from ovservances that they feel correct and weather correct or not they always strike the heart unerreingly.
    It's earily, I really don't give a shit weather I make it to class on time. I'll be there when I'm finished here. This needs to be discussed. Jack Wright can fuck himself in the ass and die if a heart attack.
    Last night Shawn was pretty drunk and dragged me to Lawerence to see Bill knowing he was asleep. He didn't drag. He complained, he whined, he begged. I talked, I argued, I tryed to persuade, I said yes. All the way there he babbled about how stupid it was then got into my life. Once there he walked around the house then left a note still not wanting Bill to know he was there. On¢ the way home he slept.
    He berated me for not knowing what its like to be in love and being able to understand this desision of his to go to Lawerence and do nothing. He called me a chicken shit and a coward and told me . I didn't know what it was like to be gay. Then he called me a tease despite the fact I did nothing but drive and listen and take him to Bill. Fucker.
    Here's what got me, the rest was nothing I hadn't heard before. Back to not knowing what it was like to be gay. He said I didn't know what it was like to have people judge me the second I walked into a room on the baisis of a label. (I went to school under the stigma of being an Alien). I didn't know what it was like to be made fun of because of that label and the kind of strength it takes to get up in the morning.
    To case in point, I didn't know what it was like to walk into a room and see a bunch of people who have heard my name and the word gay together and then not be liked, wanted or anything else but despized. He was tired of being my straight friends conversation piece.
    I had reallized that that is what he had become and I was fostering it. Perhaps I was using him and all the rest as a security blanket or something to test the homo-phobic waters of my friends.

    This got me thinking about a line I had been thinking of before but put aside every-time. "If you don't like me or my friends stop hangin' around with me."     Perhaps I should being to enforce this little rule. It may stop the talking and set a few things straight. Then again ...
    I realized last night that I have been trying to entigrate my two worlds of friends. I had done it before and I like it that way. Prim example. marc into the circle of Vistites (being Dave, Brian, Shawn O, Pat and there DD friends) people Marc almost spents more time with then me. Problem was anytime I was with marc and my new friends called I was caught between two worlds, so I inter - introduced them and now nobody was left out.
    They don't want to met Shawn, Shawn, Jack or any others. I have two worlds. People are being left out.
    If my rules holds - All my old friends should drop away because they don't like my new friends and they critisize me for haveing them (They don't like me) However,

My new friends should drop away because they don't want to met my "fag hating friends". Shawn M, refused to me Marc face to face or talk to him. They are just as much to blame as they are.
    Thus, I lose all my friends because they don't like my other friends - Not because of personality but because of Lable (Personality deferences I can handle Dave and Marc don't like each other but they don't like each other because they have met and grated on each others nerves) These people have never met and would for the most part get along. I know it!
    What am I going to do with my friends?
    Doc, my cat, is the only one I can keep. He never discriminated.

    God my stomache is sick now.

Supplimentary
    have you ever had someone say something to you that you know isn't true but it bothers you because it might be?
    Have you ever made a promise to yourself, like to stop smoking but then as you light a cigarete . you realize its the last of a pack you bought that morning?
    Have you ever tryed to figure out what to do then find yourself questioning your motives?
    Have you ever looked at your life and wonder - What happened? Where did it go wrong? How can I fix it? Should I fix? Why?
    Then you, like myself, have a lot on your mind.

suplimental
    You know, I don't think anyone knows what there doing with there life. It's a big ball of confusion that no one understands. And understanding this means nothing, Nothing at all.

© 2002 November (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)