Book 6 April 25 1985 to June 29 1986
| 8601.1Ø | 8601.11 | 8601.13 | 8601.14 | 8601.15 |
| 8601.1 |
8601.18 | 8601.21 | 8601.22 | 8601.23 |
| Back | 8601.25 | 8601.26 |
So much time goes by, so many things happen. Where do I begin. Consistant news. My new years resolution, for the most part is sticking and yet running into snags. I have been stretching and exersizing every morning (except weekends).
I am becomeing better more flexible. As for will power, well,
the creative mind knows no bounds. By my diffinision I have not masterbated.
Note diffinision; taking ones hand(s) or other bodily part(s) and stroking the
penis until ejoculation. In a sudden fit after a shwer I took down the shower
curtain, laid it flat and folded it partly over. With a small amount of shampoo
within the fold for lubrication I layed down inserted my penis and fucked the
shower curtain.
I then showered again.
------------ -- Song
I shed my skin
And the party was about to begin
I'm felling as light as the wind
But I'm walking back
Tonight of all nights
When I should be felling just right
Don't want to be in public
My head is full of chopstick
I don't like it
|-----------------
|Something on my mind
|Breaking open doors I sealed up before
|Something on my mind
|makes me run when I thought I'd run
| to far
|-----------------
Somebody sick in my deram
Maybe that somebody is me
I'm standing in the lamp
But I'm making a break
For the shadows on the Cinema Wall
Should be mine
but I'm not that tall
§
~
Chorus
Chorus
I'm looking for backs in the paper
Chorus
Chorus
---------------~ Duran Duran -------
I was riding with the Ice King. I was thinking, my willpower
is strong, I have endured. Dave punched the equilizer and a song blared forth
with new power. Dave's earlier statement "You don't want to be like normal
People, its boreing." hit my head. I thought there are two kinds of people,
normal people and the misfits like Dave and I .. .. God is .. .. Then like a
rock it hit me. I don't want to be like Dave. I must be able to feel compasion.
Except for the EQ the color and year of Dave's car we drive
nearly indentical vehicels. God provided me with a foil. Dave is my Super-Ego.
Homophobic to the point that seeing any mans body (penis) for a any reason is a
homosexual act. He told me he never went to locker rooms at school, always
planned gym last. He argues morals and tries to phycoanalyse my
"problems". He feels no compasion and his attitudes often demand I be
depressed. He tried to lock me away in a small dark . closet.
He feels anger and rage with a happy face. It annoyes me.
I can't become an Ice King and mantain my sanity. Brian
Paxson coined by accident. "I'm slowly losing my grip on Insanity."
Jennifer seemed so nice. While in Kansas I met her for a
total of nearly 25 minutes. Five for the first night she was here. Twenty on the
last as I was preparing to leave for a party with the relatives.
Did I mention Dave has no self confidence and doubts even the
chores he knows he can do?
I saw Marc not to long along late one night at Vista. the
gloom of an empty arm hung over his head. We talked of old and new things. He
said he would call me, just like when I first met Jen, he did not.
Can I strengthen my will without becoming an Ice King? Can I
be a better person or am I a flawed jem hoping to sit on the finger of Royality.
There is pain, there is realization. Marc and his friends would disown me, David
and his friends would try to kill me, maybe Marc would join in. I see myself
shriveled and bleeding in a small corner.
"Be a man."
"No, don't try to stop my crying. Don't you know a good
thing when you see it?"
I barely know what day it is anymore. I just
checked, this is Saturday the 11 of January 1980. I'm eleven days into my new
years resolution. Willpower is fading. I hate myself right now.
No I don't. I'm simply deep down into a void of emotions.
That means I intensely feel nothing. I'm numb.
I'd really like to talk to marc right now but I figured it
was past the sociable time to call on persons with-out an invitation. 9:ØØ is
so late in Kansas. The flat lands, the great Mid-western desert. My kind of
place.
Marc can generally talk me out of this feeling or satisfy it
by talking about it. Dave only drives me further in. Every-body else either
doesn't care, doesn't want to care or can't help or never could. Pick tow of the
above and it fits, even for Marc sometimes.
I drove home and sat in my car for twenty
minutes. I just sat there revilling in the silence, thinking everything and
nothing all at once, revilling in the silence.
Sweeny's tree grows larger everyday. Jason thinks this
represents want. My tree seems to be growing very large.
"Honey, what's wrong?"
"Nothing and everything. Go away, Mom."
"What do you mean?"
"I desperately crave to be normal but I can't because
nobody will let me!"
"What are you talking
about?"
"You know damn well what I'm talking about and you know
we can't . say it this house with Dad and Jason around which is exactly what I'm
talking about!"
"Please, lower your voice."
I had an ugly thought, I want a lover to share my life with,
what if, even after 21 one when I really start looking, I can't find him. by the
time most people reach my age they are familiar with the methods of socializing
and "picking-up" a date. I've had no practive at all. I'm not even
sure I'd know how to begin.
"Then he turned into a fag."
"People don't "turn into" homosexuals, Dave.
You make it sound as if there's some drastic change if they anounce "I'm
gay.""
"There is, I've seen it."
Now I can explain it. We generally supress what you let roam
free for five to eight years. What grew up a part of you is suddenly released in
us.
I will try my damnedest not to be a different person after. I
want to act the same, think nearly the same ... There it went already, eh,
mates.
This is going to be so hard but this is what the eighteen
months are for. (yes, eighteen, I made a mistake and inclued July as the
nineteenth month. My birth-day is on the 1st so I don't have
that month).
So much has gone before me. I have no concept
of a thousand years.
"Theres a long line at the checkout lane. Everyone in
front of you has a heaping cart, and none of the items are marked. Everyone
wants to pay in check, its the girls first day on the job and doesn't speak
english. Take a few minutes off that and you understand eternity." Emo
Philips *one of my favorite comedians*
I hadn't been outside all day, so I went for a walk. It was
dusk out and the quarter moon gave me this cock-eyed grin. I looked for stars I
couldn't find any.
As I walked it got darker and darker, colder and colder. Two
children saw me and I heard them whisper;
"He looks like a vampire." "Quick lets run." "He has a
head bone around his neck." They giggled and ran up the street ahead of me.
I grinned. As I walked I overtook them. "Bye mister vampire." the
little boy whispered. I grinned but did not look back.
I rounded the corner and walked by Bishop. The cold wind
numbed my face. The sky was midnight blue and the horizon still redish orange.
Still I could see no stars.
"People hid behind all sorts of things, glasses,
clothes, ... beards." Barbra Watermans voice, art class in the study of
portraits. I remembered thinking, I'm not hiding here, but I am now.
One house was brown, the color of wood. There
were no curtains but the railings where made of iron and the carpet was a grey-black.
There glass door was closed, the metal one was open.
One house was gray, the white curtains were drawn, and the
house showed no lights. There was a red and white sign in the half dead lawn
which read "for Rent".
There was a house that looked of a dark mustard yellow in the
dusky light. It had warm yellow lights and white lace curtains with a single red
valentines day heart in in window. The lawn was green and there was a wooden
wishing well.
I felt nearly criminal as I looked to the house windows as I
walked along. Am I invading someone else's privacy? Is there someone in the
house I could love? But of all the houses I saw and described, none did I see a
person in. No one did I see, it was as if I was the only one, alone.
Marc didn't call he never does. David called he always does.
Bri and Dave come by today, one tried to kill the other. Same as always.
I'm being sorely tested and its only been thirteen days.
Pathetic it will stop.
A diamond is a lump of coal that did good under pressure.
Ever wonder in the past, just think back to a
moment when you thought and duplicate the same state of mind.
Ever wander in the past, just go back and get lost, never
able to return.
All I have left is Cap's splash page.
*This refers to some art work I was
doing for Captain America - not completely sure about the rest of it.*
The moon looked like an oragne peel or a
decaying smile, however you look at it.
No one was here, no one came by, I was alone and bored. I
walked. Two hours, to Marc's and back. No one was home. I felt ill.
Dave called. I went over, we did nothing. We went to Vista,
we did nothing. Actually somehow I ended up telling Dave my life story. Grade
school, the children, uprooting, Jardine, bullys, David and Brad and Angie,
Captain Kirk, Suddenly I stopped. "Why am I telling you my life
story." we left. That's when we noticed the moon. "Looks like an
orange peel." I said.
I came home and I sat in my car again. Thinking again. Who am
I, why am I here, Why do i fit in here, Do I fit in here, Could I leave, should
I leave, why leave, Who the hell am I, where am I. ?
Then I saw the moon again. Looking like a rotting smile.
I came in, I wrote, I died on paper then went to sleep.
Judas was a man, a strong man. Do you know
how much strength it takes to betray a man and care.
JUDAS
"My God! I saw him - he looked theree-quarters dead!
And he was so bad I had to turn my head
You beat him so hard that he was bent
and lame
And I know who everybody's gonna blame
I believe he knows I acted for our own good
I'd save him all this suffering if I could
Don't believe ... our good ... save him ... if I could
PRIEST
"Cut the confessions forget the excuses
I don't understand why you're filled
with remorse
All that you've said has come true with
a vengance
The mob turned against him - you backed the right horse "
CALAPHAS
"What you have done will be the saving
of Israel
You'll be remembered forever for this
And not only that you've been paided
for your your efforts
Pretty good wages for one little kiss "
JUDAS
"Christ! I know you can't hear me
But I only did what you wanted me to
Christ! I'd sell out a nation
For I have been saddled with the murder
of you
I have been spattered with innocent blood
I shall be dragged through the slime
and the mud
I have been spattered with innocent blood
I shall be dragged though the slime
and the mud
I don't know how to love him
I don't know why he moves me
He's a man - just a man
He's not a king - he's just the same
As anyone I know
He scares me so
When he's cold and dead will he let me be?
Does he love, does he love me too?
Does he care for me?
My mind is darkness now - My God I am
sick
I've been used, And you knew
All the time
God! I'll never know why you chose me
for your crime
Your foul bloody crime
You have murdered me! You have
murdered me!
Murdered me! Murdered me! Murdered me!
Poor old Judas, so long Judas
Pilate was stupid, he knew what was going on and he knew the
consiquences of his actions. He, like Judas, was used. But he tried to resist.
He admired Jesus until he became stupid.
PILATE
"I dreamed I met a Galilean
A most amazing man
He had that look you rarely find
The haunting haunted kind
I asked him to say what happened
How it all began
I asked again - he never said a word
As if he hadn't heard
And next the room was full of wild
and angry men
They seemed to hate this man - they fell
on him and
Disappeared again
Then I saw thousands of millions
Crying for this man
And then I heard them mentioning my name
And leaving me the blame
-----
And so the king is once again my guest
And why is this? Was Herod unimpressed?"
CALAPHAS
"We turn to Rome to sentence Nazareth
We have no law to put a man to death
We need him crucified - its all you have to do
We need him crucified - its all you have to do"
PILATE
"Talk to me Jesus Christ
You have been brought here - manacled
Beaten
By your own people - do you have the
first idea
Why you deserve it?
Listen king of the Jews
Where is your kingdom?
Look at me - am I a Jew?"
JESUS
"I have got no Kingdom in this world
I'm through, through, through"
Talk to me Jesus Christ
"There may be a kingdom for me somewhere
If I only knew "
"Then your a King?" said PILATE
"Its you that say I am
I look for truth and find that I get damned "
PILATE
"But what is truth? Is truth unchanging
law?
We both have truths - are mine the same
as yours?"
Crsivy him Crusify him!
"What do you mean? You'd crusify your
King?"
We have no King but Caesar! Crusify him!
"Well this new respect for Ceasar
Till now this has been noticeably lacking
Who is this Jeasus - why is he different
You jews produce messiahs by the sackful."
We need him Crusified - it's all you have to do
We need him Crusified - it's all you have to do
"Talk to me Jesus Christ
Look at your Jesus Christ - I'll agree he's mad
Ought to locked up but that is not a reason
to destroy him
He's a sad little man - not a King or God
Not a thief - I need a crime!"
Kill him - He says he's God - he's a blasphemer
He'll conquer you and us and even Ceasar
Crusify him, Crusify him
"Behold the man - behold your shattered
King."
We have no King but Ceasar
"You hypocrites - You hate us more
than him"
We have no king but Ceasar - crusify him
"I see no reason - I find no evil
This man is harmless so why does he upset
you?
He's just misguided - things he's important
But to keep you vultures happy I shall
flog him!
Crusify him!
"1 .. 2 .. 3 .. 4 .. 5 .. 6 .. 7 .. 8 .. 9 .. 1Ø .. 11 ..
12 .. 13 ..
14 .. 15 .. 16 .. 17 .. 18 .. 19 .. 2Ø .. 21 ... 22 ... 23 ...
24 ...
25 ... 26 ... 27 ... 28 ... 29 ... 3Ø ... 31 ... 32 ... 33 ... 34 ...
35 ... 36 ... 37 ... 38 ..... 39 Where are you from Jesus?
What do you want Jesus?
Tell me!
You've got to be careful - you could be
dead soon -
Could well be
Why do you not speak when I have your
life in my hands?
How can you stay quite? I don't believe
you understand "
JESUS
"You have nothing in your hands
Any power you have comes to you
from far beyond.
Everything is fixed and you can't change it."
PILATE
"Your a fool Jesus Christ - how can I help
you"
Pilate! Crusify him!
Remember Ceasar - you have a
duty
To Keep the peace so crusify him!
"Don't let me stop your great self-destruction
Die if you want to you misguided martyr
I wash my hands of your demolition
Die if you want to you innocent puppet!"
How can you have faith in a man with no
faith. How weak could he have been.
"take me now - before I change my mind."
*I believe this was from a musical - theater production of some kind. It might be paraphrased from memory quite a bit.*
I'm a very weak individual. already my new
years resolutions have been trashed. But I'm not defeated I have begun plans to
start anew. And possibly not alone. I'll Dave and Marc and possibly Pat to help
me along or at least get me started.
Need to go berserk, needing only a wolf skin instead of
armour for protection. I wouldn't be ready for Dorm life, yet. I'm not hard
enough, where I'm suposed to be.
Insidentily, todays capital journal, page 28. Jim Regan died.
It says cancer but it was AIDS. Dave had a big smile on his face and Brian
chuckeled as he read the three line obituary. Dave won the pool on when the
"Ray-gay" was to die, unfortunately they forgot to put money in it.
I never knew you, never met you, hear your name only in jokes
and jeers. I know your last days were filled with pain so I
can only hope your life after will be much more pleasant.
Rest in Peace.
*I know these people have grown and learned better. But I still see things like this happen. So I have to ask ... in 15 years how far have we come?*
How does the world go around? I can't
understand. My mind fades away and I'm left alone.
4Ø years man, that's it. i see no reason to live 21 years
longer unless I can find someone or something to live for.
19 years old, 18 months 'till I'm 21. 21 years 'till I'm
forty. 21 years 'till I meet death.
You should grow a beard and hid your ugly face. I wear
glasses so no one can see my eyes.
"What increase your sense of sight?"
"A magnifying glass" "A telescope"
"A prism"
"Light" "glasses"
I have something in my eye.
"Is there anything else?"
I have something in my eye.
"Is there something
wrong?"
I Have Something In My Eye!
"So ... "
I Can't see!
"You never could."
The west wind blows feircely and brings cold air. I stare out
into the night and get lost. My head clears and nothing but solitude rests
there. I sit and can't bring myself to come home. I'm not depressed, I'm numb. I
find no reasons.
I have visions of handsome young men next to me. naked, they
caress me and care. I feel happy and secure.. I hold them and he holds me
back. You is 18 to 25, handsome is trim and strong, little body hair. also it
seems, no one that exists.
The word of the day on our trusty etimology
calander is "Cancel".
I'm so emotionally devoid, so numb that if something isn't
done, there will be nothing left of my mind.
Did you know that mercury is one of the only mutanagen tht
breaks the placental barrier and rests in the DNA of the children of the
victims.
I seem to want to sleep alot, only I'm not tired and I breath
fast and shallow, not hyperventelating.
I just ate three helpings of spagetti and cleansed myself
with a shit.
Winter is, now, white, damn, cold, alone, forgotten, dead.
Marc was here and I was at Dave's last night. I tried to fall
asleep in there presents but couldn't.
Am I a rational man? Have I still got my sanity?
has anyone ever died of being alone?
I am envyous of Jason.
St. Dennis seem's to stare at me all the time with acusing
eyes.
Should I try to stop masterbating again, or is it futile.
Look at the way I crossed my t's, they point down, maybe I am
depressed.
I'll be dead in 2Ø days if nothing happens.
I still don't know what day it is.
~--------------~
I'm suffocating
I'm suffocating, the
haned under prison *I think I was trying to write
left handed*
"Are you trying to tell me you think
she's ugly?" asked marc. I answered honestly.
"She's short, very thin and unatractive to me."
never lie, only tell the half of it.
"Well I wouldn't toss her
out of bed for eating crackers." said Dave.
This continued to get worse for me. Death Dealer and Ice King
pressing the subject f my sexual desires. - You don't like her? why? Have you
ever found a woman attractive? Do you know a woman thats attractive? Do I know
anyone you find attractive? What the hell do you look for? What's attractive to
you? - halfs, honesty, hostility, humility.
"Shut the fuck up and leave me alone! My sexual
preferences don't affect you! Did it even occurr to you that I might be alone
for a reason! reason's I can't tell you because you won't understand. you won't
understand because of the memories you won't remember
and because of the faulicies of your logic."
never said that, nearly wish I had. It would have revealed to
much though. but thse are idiots, they refuse to see the obvious.
Fuck them all, life stinks. They don't know how easy they've
had it, I envy them. But then again, I wonder how well they would have lasted if
they'd been alone this long.
The word of the day is IDIOT - a
"private person": from idiotes, the Greek word for a citizen who did
not hold office or take part in public life and was therefore ignorant of
current affairs.
Yesterday i went to class then to Daves and we recorded from
his album for me. The anthropolgist of Rock, Peter Gaberil. after that and a
fairly lengthy conversasion I left and drove all the higways around Topeka and
came to rest on Burnets mound. Deposhe Mode just finishes and the tape fliped
itself. As I watched these two hawks sitting on the wind Peters tunes came out .
Lound. They windows were down and breeze blowing with my left hand blocking the
sun to my eyes. The hawks seemed in Rythm to the music.
- Looking out the window,
I see the red dust clear
High up on the red rock
Stands the shadow with the spear
The land is strong here
Strong beneath my feet
It feeds on the blood
It feeds on the heat
The Rythm is below me
The Rythm of the heat
The Rythm is around me
The Rythm has controll
The Rythm is inside me
The Rythm has my soul
The Rythm, the heat, the Rythm of the Heat
Drawn across the plainland
To the place that is higher
Drawn into the circle
That dances round the fire
We spit into our hands
And breathe across the plams <palms>
Raising them up high
Held open to the Sun
Self-conscious, uncertain
I'm showered with with dust
The spirit enters into me
And I submit ... to trust
Smash the radio (no outside voice here)
Smash the watch (Cannot tear the day to shreds)
Smash the camera (Cannot steal away the spirits)
The Rythm is below me
The Rythm of the heat ----
I began to think of Immortality and how it would be a curse, especilly to me. I
wondered what it would be like to fly and how an immortal would commit suicide.
By the time "I have the touch" came on I was ready to go, after all
the hawks hd and the sun was hidden behind a small cloud.
I went home and rested and soon there was Marc. We left and
we went places. First to Shawn's.
O'Brien felt ill and lost a few dreams in a day. We went over
at 6:3Øp or so and he and Marc talked until 1Ø:ØØp. I over exagerate a
little but cars, Martial Arts and monye I don't know enough to talk about. Thus
they predominated the talk. It hurt when we left that the only sound in the car
was my tape
and marc had just met Shawn.
Marc guided me to a party. We went and I stood. A great deal
of time went by and I was shown to chess game upstairs. Marc lead me there, left
me there, even borrowed the keys to my car.
John Moss was a great guy though. He struck me as atractive
when he walked in, short, muscular, grease under his fingers, blonde,
quite and never touched a drink or cigarette (while I was there or that I saw).
He played chess and won against his drunked opponet. Then we played. I kept my
mind on the game, most of the time. But his silent thought persisted and I lost.
A King caught between tow Queens and a Rook with a bishop and a pawn watching.
Today I go to a KISS concert.
Imagine Judas at a Kiss concert.
The word of today is escape. The Concert was
fun, but so very loud, even there love song hurt my ears.
There's not much more to say. I'm still safe in my lies and
Peter Gaberil is in my head. "Suffocated by mirrors and stained by
dreams". My Chaffuer takes me nowhere but I laugh just the same. "Ut-oh,
we've been bad."
I had a dream about a fag and me needing supplys. He was
enotionally unstable and lived with the guy by my Grandma's.
| Back |