Book 6 April 25 1985 to June 29 1986

8512.03 again

    Damn the Ice King.
    "Problem number six, Dave. Must you ask so many questions! You practically have a copywrite on the question mark! You answer questions with questions. Why do you ask so many questions?"
    "Why Bret, what do you mean?"
    The Ice King came here and started asking questions "What's the glove mean?"
I gave my standered answer. If I told you there would be no point to wearing it. Figure it out, One, left, black, glove, $1Ø reward.
    "$1Ø dollars, Your broke."     "I'll owe it to you."
From 1Ø dollars he ran to the fact I decided to wear it, society makes me, I be better off without it, then to railroad spikes and that he needs to figure out my job - to nail the spikes for money into? (society is as close as he came). Then to One, alone, solitude. Then Left, odd, not right, different, yet conforming(?). Black, darkness, god what else? Glove, god, finger covering! So what?
    To have gotten so much from the hardest of clues to go on and get hints from more of the clues and to still get nothing out of it, again to leave me alone in the house, listening to Peter, Pink Floyd, and Max Headroom. Still not Deaf, still not dead.
    "I want to go home. Give up live as a bad mistake."
    did i forget the smiths. SHIT.

8512.06  considered

    A skeleton key with the bootinear I wore in Chris Greywolf's wedding. It hangs between my windows, a sign of many things.
    How many objects in my room? How many signs? How many meanings?
    I am the child of a Lesser God. And that God is dead leaving me on my own. This doesn't sorrow me because I never knew my god. To make me he died, leaveing me as his predicesor. That makes me a Lesser God in that I am in controll of my life. I have no wisdom, no power, no knoweldge. Only lesser God given signs to tell people who I am, to let them know I exist, to let me know I exist.
    What is a God who doubts his own existance, his own purpose, his own role? He's dead and non-existant, and thus he is also alone. Alone to a fault as there is nothing in his non-existance to save him but his own doubts.
    A wreath of flys bites his brow as he clutches his black sword fighting off the other children of a lesser god. Deaf to there cries, dead to there touch and mute to his feelings.
    Pretend to be deaf, I can't. The organ's hurt my ears. But I am deaf to the crys of my soul because I don't believe in my existance, or at least in the existance of my happiness.
    These are the problems of a Lesser God.

8512.08

    To many late nights, but concider the ill concidered, for I thee went to Lamda. There my eyes grew my stomach churned and brain shivelled.

8512.1Ø

    A straight man in a gay bar, what a crooked story. Oh, but how sly the ruler. The advisor / Beast drug him into the lair of fairie. There a glove drenched in the seat of willed labor clung to a hand craving touch.
    "Oh, you're a virgin?"
    "I'm saving myself." cried out the King.
    "Oh, so is the right one a boy or girl?"
Lie, thought the King as a left fist clenched in anger at being confronted. No, some tactics as always. Tell the truth but make them think its a joke.
    "Around here you can't tell can you?"
Then I pulled out of the land of Fairie.
    "So where where you." said the Ice King.
    Joke again, but tell the turth.
    "The land of fairie."
    Then all was still safe.

8512.12

    Home at last, time to wallow in self denial once more. Why can't I be like the others who wallow in self pity? no I sit here and listen to music that tells me I'm alone, as I sit here and tell myself I'm bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

bãd, a. (worse, worst), &n. 1 (Negatively) worthless, inferior, deficient, or poor quality, incorrect, not valid (~ air, corrupt; ~ coin, debased; ~ debt, not recoverable; ~ food, not nourishing; *~ Lands, extensive barren uncultivable tracts; go ~, decay; with ~ grace, reluctantly; ~ shot, wrong guess; ~ law, not sustainable; ~ form, want of breeding; ~ pre-eminence, disrepute; in a ~ sense, unfavourable; ~ success); ~ egg, ~ hat, (sl.) person of ~ character.
2. (Positiively) noxious, depraved, vicious, offensive, painfull, (~blood, ill feeling; ~ for, injurious to); in ill health, injured, in pain, (she is ~, worse, to-day; a ~ leg); (colloq. of things in no case good) notable, decided, promounced, (~blunder, head-ache, falling-off).
3. n. Ill fortune (take the ~ with the good), wrong side of account (£5ØØ to the ~), ruin (go the ~). Hense bãddísh ¹(2) a. [ME baddle, perh. f. OE dæddel hermaphrodite, womanish man; for loss of l of. mycle MUCH]
    The Concise oxford Dictionary never lest me down. Always clears up the meanings of my depresion. I hate being bad.
Thank God I' not
gay, a (~er, ~est). Gull of or disposed to or indicating mirth, light-hearthed, sportive; airy, off-hand; *(sl.) cheeky, impertinent; (euphem.) dissolute, immoral, living by prostitution; showy brilliant, bright coloured, finely . dressed, (with). hence gai'ly ²adv [f. F gai perch. f. OHG wâhi pretty]
and fag means to tire. no, all that is left,
hõmosêx'ûal, a.&n. Having a sexual propensity for persons of one's own sex; (n.)~ person. [irreg. f. HOMO- + SEXUAL]
    Why am I now hiding behind a diffinition. All I know is that I dislike what I am because my friends despise what I am. Not who but what. That kills me.
    Has anybody realized yet that this, the longest extended suicide note, is also a gripping love story? The only thing missing is a happy ending. I believe in happy endings but I never get one.
    God, I must be in the top 1Ø of depressing people. Even still among the top 1Ø of optimist. There is no hope for my happy ending yet I still think I might get one. If not, then in my demise perhaps Marc, Brian, Dave, David, and any others might have one.
    Why do I have the friends I have? Marc is so much like God, so uncaring and bussy yet I love him. Dave is like my Dad the Dominator. I love Dave even as I see him deteriorating into my father. David only comes around if he needs food or a ride. Brian dissappears off the face of the earth.
    I used a word twice above and meant it four times, yet it is a powerful word that is often misunder - . stood. I mean care about a great deal, my friend I would probibly lay my life down for you.
    I'm losing my articulation as I stare into space. I'm going to stop and go back to wallowing in the silence, alone, with music and self-denial.

8512.15

    Back to the images of fire, images to be destroyed, spirits to be burned. The Stars give me little pleasure, either does little Boy Blue on his Bronc. Burning them at the stake may please me, but perhaps I can sell them like the prositutes they are.
    I am nineteen years old. There is something I've lost and I want it back. Nineteen months from soon the battle will begin. I am unprepared mentally a well as physically. Need to be prepared, I need again the power to break things.
    Once, Death Dealer had taught me to be gracefull, to think, and to deffend. I lost that as I lost contact with him and Coach Byrd.
    I need that power and form back, I need better then I had. Thus I will be strong again. I will be better. Two goals. Physical; speed, grace, power, agelity, endurance. Mental; will power (I will stop masterbating), Independance, Thought, Knowledge.

*The first line refers to pornographic magazines (Stars, Blue Boy and Bronc).
In nineteen months is my 21st birthday - the day I have scheduled to come out of the Closet.
I am wanting to perfect my self image - match it to my physical image - and be ready to face the world, and the fights.*

8512.17

    Someone was here, someone I haven't really seen since he got back from far away. Marc came by and we talked. Alot like we used to. Even thought its snowing outside I felt warm. His friendship means alot to me. I know this must sound bad, reading this probibly makes me sound like some love sick puppy, but it is friendship, nothing more. Try to remember a good friend, one that you miss, then imagine seeing them. That's the warm feeling I'm trying to explain. You still have things to talk about, still laugh together, still know each other and be afraid. That's a good feeling.
    I told him of the war preparations. Funny, he still thinks he might figure out the glove. He's still probibly closest, but I think he'll the obvious answers or at least mis-interpret them through prejudgus. Nobody's ready for that answer yet. Well, Shawn Corcoran is but he's gay already.
    I had my history final today, physics tommorrow. Then speech. Then its all over and training begins. I'm going to get it back. No more aching backs, lazy feelings. I'm going to feel healthy again if it kills me. If I can't be fantastic mentally then I will physically.
    That's all folks.

8512.24

    Christmas Eve and all through the house, everyone is up and the radio is going. Last minute shoppers are trying to buy things before the stores close.
    I played Santa today going from door to door of my "friends" delivering gifts. That was rude, but I don't want to earase it.
    After a rousing game of scrable an a bout with wrapping paper I sat down with a needle and thread. What did I sew, what did I mend? My glove of course.
As I sealed the seem that was coming apart I thought of the Nineteen months ahead until what I've been alternatly calling the 21 years war or the 21 year old war or the 21 year war. I thought, in nineteen months who will still be my friends, and why. then I noticed the other holes in my glove, were the sweat of my palm has rotted the leather.
    First I went to Marc's. He was helping bo stretch while Robin watched TV. The fire was going, that's were he burned the wraping. Gallery of the Far Side, is what I gave him. He seemed to like it.
    Next was Brian Cowens. I hadn't seen him since he left for school. I went in and found him playing solitare at the bar in the basement. I gave him a button that said .  "I love everyone and you're next". He commented he liked my beard reached out and kind of brushed the side of my face. I was relieved he didn't pull it like Marc had earlier. We talked alittle, mostly about what classes he had. I was interested in what Brian was upto, for as much as I felt I really didn't know him i missed him. brian seemed reluctant to talk tohough, he never really looked me in the eye once. We walked out into the cold and said merry Christmas at the car.
    Next was Brian Paxson's house. His mother answered the door, Brian told me to come on up. I rounded the staires to see his fat hairy body cloaked only in underwear. I shielded my eyes and went "Eeeee!" "don't worry," he said. "I know you're not a homosexual." Of all the people who would never have to worry about such things and still be wrong. I gave him his button "Your ugly and your mother dresses you funny." He put it on a hat and I told him I had to go.
    David Stouse was my next stop. He wasn't there so I wrote "Merry Christmas, DDK" under his name, on the back of the cardboard his button was mounted. "Your sick and twisted, I like that in a person." I left it with John and went on.

    Through the downtown traffic and onto the highway I emerged on California and proceeded to Pats. He also wasn't home so the same occurred to "I can't be forced, I volenteer." and I left it with his mother. She told me he was out with Dave, my next stop.
    Thus when Dave was home I told Past his was at his house. then I gave Dave his present. a button which read "Who Farted?". Talking to Rick (my next stop) on the phone he said "This is a Bri button." I replied "No, his was 'Your ugly and your mother dresses you funny."" to which he said "I think I'll see if he'll trade." Now, some people would be offended here but he told not to get him anything. Those before me had seen there gifts given to someone else or destroyed because he had no use for them or didn't like them. A simple trade that would keep he and Bri happy made me feel quite good. Even still, he may not trade.
    I told Rick over the phone he was next and arrived at his home shortly there after. I don't think "Captian Vagerant" took "Why couldn't I be rich instead of good looking" very well, as he stuck it on a board and showed myself out on a minumum of talk.
    Shawn was my last stop of the day. When I pulled up and didn't . see his car I realized he must be at work. So on the back I wrote "Merry Christmas, DDK    I take the ticket." and left it with his Dad. A couple of days before Shawn found me shopping, after having been at my house, and said,
    "Well, just for athat, I don't think I'll sell you that KISS ticket I set aside for you." I promptly replied "I wouldn't want it." I shot his mind. I thanked him for the thought and told him I really appreaciated it, because I do like KISS, but reminded him I don't like concerts. "Ah, you've never been!" couldn't argue that. I knew also that when mother heard of this she would nearly force me to go. I told him to hold it and I'd think about it. I figure I can raise the money for it by the time the concert gets here and I might enjoy it anyway.
    "I'm the one your mother warned you about." was on his T-shirt when he came by later to deliver a christmas card. It was a short vist. It started just after I'd layed XENO on the scrable board and ended before it my was turn again.
    "Touch me, hold me." plays on the radio now at this semi-late hour. It was a full day, all tied together, all fairly symbolic. Live goes on and tomorrow is Christmas.

8512.25

Christmas is here
full of Joy and cheer
Santa brought gifts
Our spirits to lift
Come met our new son
The childeren where fun
Talk of woman's bust
Relatives with lust
Homosexuals come look
What a joke, Marc's bood
Skulls for my ears
Candy for years
No money in the bank
My gifts I give thanks
The battle begins
Try to purge myself of sin
Homosexuals come look
That wasn't in Marc's book
Clothes for my back
All in black
A chair for my ass
A telescop 'at last'
Relatives bend my ear
Have a happy new year
Homeseuals come look
Why do I write this book
Life is a joke
I could just choke
I refuse to be a joke
Not like Marc's book
Homosexuals come look
A freak show in a book

 

*I have no idea what this book of Marc's is that I refer to ... unless it was the Bible which he (at the time) frequently pulled out to validate his points.*

8512.27 considered

    It's 2:4Øam and actually the 28^th. I've been out for a party life. Leave it to Chris Greywolf to bring me to a party were I can listen to good music, eat okay food and look at some awesome male bodys. (Those squeemish at heart read no further).
    There was one man there that cought my lust. I nearly staired holes in his ass. Mexican in desent, black hair, beautiful brown eyes, not really dark skinned and with such baby chest (no hear). Posture erect, firm ass, a well trimmed mustache. Oh, he was good looking. He sat in front of me and stared down that little open part of his pants, down into the black abyse. *sketch included of the line of sight* I stared alot at his fingers too, playing that little undressing game in my mind, trying to figure out what his feet would look like. Thank god I wore my contancs *contact lenses* and hid behind sunglasses.
    Then there was music, Led Zepplin, Aerosmith, ZZ Top, the Doors, Journey, Black Sabeth, Ozzie Ozzborn and on. Jerry ran the stereo most of the evening. He too was quite a bit of flesh. I kept my eye behind my sun-glasses and my right hand kept my left from reaching out, and glove stopped any sensation of touch. 11:3Øpm and I was getting into it, 12:ØØ mid the party broke up.
    So I found Dave, Shawn, Brian, and Gavin. He's in good shape and smelled so good.

Talked to them awhile then took Gavin to his car so he could home then met the rest at Poor Richards around 1:ØØpm(am). We ate, I came home.
    Jason's asleep in the basement, the parents are away. I go to sleep now, because tomorrows (today) another day.
                3:14 am signing off.

8601.01 fact 1:55am

    Happy New Year.
    Over to Ricks house, talk to Bri, Pat comes over, Danny calls, Pick up Danny, met Pat at Vista, there's Dave and Don (Finch), Over to Pats, Pat leaves car at home, Drive Pat Bri and self to Rick's - met Dave Don and Danny. Drinking begins Bonging begins, Beer games begin, Pizza arrives. Prat Dave and self (driving) pick-up Shelly at Vista, back to Ricks, traditional reading of Scatiological rights article in back issue of Club. Take Pat home, back to Ricks, Dave Danny Shelly into car to take Shelly home. Shelly home (Green hills II out off N 46th st.). Dave and Danny back to Ricks, Danny finds glasses, start to take Danny home, see Shawn and Mark (Orender) in front (stumbling drunk), they tell of other party, They go into Ricks, Self takes Danny to other party - Crowded,
------ There was a good looking blonde man there. He wore a green jumpsuit open to mid-chest, black bow tie around . his neck, beer in hand, white sneakers. I think it was his picture on the walls, in may have been his house, his sisters party. The place was crowded people touched people when they breathed. He smelled good. My eye whiped from him to Danny (Dan was my only link, I knew on one there). My blonde lust was working his way out of the kitchen with a glass of beer held high, my hand come out my pocket and dropped to my side. he smelled good, had a smile on his face and his ass brushed against my hand, just like I planned. It was soft and flet good, I wanted more. 5..4.. 3.. 2.. 1     Happy New Year! Now I need to be a man. Dan tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the door. There was one last look and the memory of a feel as we left. "Crowded isn't it?" Danny said. I smiled and nodded. "You could play touch and feel in her." "Don't I know it!" I replied as I unlocked his door. "Great thing about it is, " Dan said, "The Girls don't even know who did it". I smiled. --------
    Took Dan home, back to Ricks, Happy New Year Rick Don Dave Shawn and Mark, Shawn and Mark stumbled back to previous party, Rick says good bye, Dave and self (driving) take Don home, Self takes Dave back to car at Ricks, Self follows Dave home, Self drives around checking Bri's house Marc's (Tolbert) house, Brian's (Cowen) house and so listening to Pat Benatars 7 the . Hard way. Arrive home, write this, Consider; Now is 1986 and I have 19 months before I am 21. I have accomplished little and have less to show for it. Tomorrow begins training for a new man, a better man. Let's hope I live through it.
        Happy New Year 2:3Øam

8601.02

    I started with the New Years Resolution bit. Its been three days since I knelt and pissed sticky white. This morning when I woke I streached. I'm in very poor shape. Strength may have to wait awhile, until its warmer and I go outside. Flexiblity is something I will diffinately have to work on soon.
    Yesterday I happened on by Marc's. I realized I hadn't said Happy New Year yet. There was he and Brian, Eric and Jennifer Cook. Marc's lady love from Hawaii. She'll be here three more days. I met her, hugged her, sat a few minutes and left.
    She is a beautiful Angle sent by Marc's god for him. They seem very close but also I feel the distance of states and part of an ocean tugging at them. I wish them happiness but somehow I don't see them together. Who knows though, maybe they will apply at the same college, in some other state (since Jen thinks this a Hick state), They'll go to classes together, fall deeper . in love and marry, keeping them together. Maybe.
    Let's see, Chris and Marc. that leaves, Brian, Dave and David. Then I can go away, find someone and try to be happy. Fat chance.
    What do I do when I'm 21. I still can't tell my friends. I've seen what Dave does to guys like Jim Reagan and Larry Waggle. The two names I hear from him often, the friends he once had that he ostrisized because they "became" gay. I can't be another joke in his book, another name to shout in disgust "Lar and the Reagay".
    "So when are you going to admit your gay." said the Ice king. It's a joke but I told the truth.
    "I'm not. I'd never tell you." still a joke but now both of use tell only the truth.
    "I wish you would tell me, so I could stop hanging around you."
    "I won't. It wouldn't concern you anyway. Wouldn't affect you."
    "Oh, but it would, because if I find out I'll have to kill you. If you tell me I just won't be your fiend anymore."
    Almost profound isn't it. Well, fuck you Dave, I like to live dangerously. Besides maybe I could make you understand.
    Shit, understand what? That I'm human, he knows, he just won't care. Why should he. Why should anyone care. marc and Dave where raised with there attatudes. They won't change. They won't because they don't want to. Just like my . little symbol. Satan rules over us. If we can see past him there is a light and above that is God. That's why god doesn't touch us. Thats why people don't see the light, its just easier to go on about life being manipulated by the Devil, tolerating the blood he drips on us.
    Listen to me, how severly depressing. How miraculous it is that "Fat chance." can change the entire course of something that could have been optimistic. Funny how it went astray only when I mentioned my happiness.
    God what am I going to do when I reach 21. Well I have 19 months to figure it out.
    "What a minute. Your not master-bating? I don't want to be around you. All nervous and tense." still joking Dave, but probibly correct. 19 months, before I probibly dissappear in Los Angleas and become a prostitute or porn-star. What's the Difference? how Hysterical.
    Lets hope meditation can get rid of some of this.