Book 6 April 25 1985 to June 29 1986

8509.02

    I think I just analyzed something fairly critical about myself not more then ten minutes ago.
    "I Read the papers, watch the news - - I listen to the kids back home make stupid cruel jokes. I want to tell 'em they're talking about me! But I'm scared. I'm not evil -- or a crook -- yet people make me feel that I am. Because of what I am." Bough Ramsey aka Cypher New Mutants speacil edition #1
    They want to kill me, not because of who I am, but what I am. I'm a mutant, too. I don't think my condition is phycological. But some of my problems are. I tried to imagine what I would be like if I tryed to hide a homosexual relationship from my friends. What I got set up wasn't even a realationship. I found someone gay, he wanted sex, I wanted a relationship and I was trying to hide the whole thing.
    I met the guy, get swept off my . my feet and I ride on his cycle with him. But as soon as he drops me off and is in the distance I realize what I've been doing. I go to Marc's to kind of 'draw me back to 'reality". At that point I kind of exploded. I beat on the punching bag with fury and its not enough. I move on to the walls. Marc trys to stop me from hurting myself. He pins me to the floor until I calm down.
    "What's wrong?" he asks.
    "You wouldn't understand."
    "I find that hard to believe."
    "Why?"
    "because I'm your friend."
    "Maybe, Marc, but you don't know shit about me."
    "What?"
    "You know nothing of my pain and woe or happiness and joy. You don't even have any idea why I just did what I did."
    "Your right. Why don't you tell me."
    "Thats the sad part. I can't, not ever. Not to you or anybody else. The best I can do is talk in cryptic riddles and set out puzzles like my glove, hoping someday someone will be intelligent enough, or in some cases care enough, to figure them out. .. I have to go."
    Marc talked to Chris Greywolf. Chris tried to talk to me.

    "How's life treating you?" he asked
    "The same, only more intense."
    "What do you mean?"
    "Just that."
    "Okay. To hell with subtilty. What's wrong?"
    "Nothing, why?"
    "Marc talked to me. I know somethings wrong. I've noticed your a bit more distracted."
    "I'm not distracted. I'm scared shitless, now back off!" I see myself hitting something hard.
    "Calm down don't get deffensive."
    There. The second I heard Chris say that to me in my mind I knew. I'm so set in secrecy and fear I'm deffensive toward everyone all the time. It's not good and in such a situation as above would get me nowhere. But Marc, Dave, Chris, Shawn, David, Brian and all the others wouldn't want to kill me for who I am but what I am. This is why paradox is a villian to be reconed with. I may have realized something but what do I do with it.
    I'm not deffensive with out reason. I had a dream where Marc walked in on me and a man. There was no time to explain and it wouldn't have mattered. His rage took over and my knee was shattered before I knew it. Thats how he would react initially. I'm positive, but am I right?

8509.26

    A night like any other. I, being what I am, grew up in a shadow of fear. I am very restrained and somewhat cold. What else could I be. Jason had no such shadow, he grew up to be a normal adolesent. He wrecked his car tonight while I was at a D&D game. Neither he or Jodi where wearing seatbelts. The window and dash are broken.
------------
    No one was hurt, badly. Jodi has a knot on her head that will turn into a black eye. Nothing serious. Jason's arm hurts. Thats all. And a broken car.
    Jason's back to normal, he was very scared. Jodi was sane. "I Think I'll go home and crash."
    It was Jason's fault, failure to yeild right of way.
    I need sleep. I'll catch up latter.

851Ø.21

The Grey days of October have started and will lead into the Grey skys of v^the apocolyptic freeze of winter. With the skys my mood goes to the far side of the Grey curtian. I'm a black speck in a Grey universe.
    Grey-Wolf was in town. "Have some fun." I smiled from my grey mood and said, "I am, knowing your back is enough." He went out side and had a joint in a joint . effort. Tony urged me to lighten up. "I can't lose controll now." Money was collected for beer and Brandy. They looked at me sitting there cloaked in leather with a skull on my chest and tacos came into the picture. "I can't lose controll now." They left for beer and I waited a little while and then left before they returned.
    David Wells is a grey man. He loves the winter and has a frozen soul to match. He demands instant trust but often doesn't need or deserve it. Hesatation in his trust causes betrayal. Trust him with your life and you will live. He's coated in ice and he pushes people away. But if your around long enough your frozen in. However ice easily breaks and melts away. And this Grey God is my friend at present. Far worse then Death Dealer David would kill me should he ever know. In fact kill is to light. "In elric, it is cool, this guy could tear you apart and keep you alive. Usally his victims are poured down a sewer still alive."
    "Dave, I'm never to be touched." "Why?" "Just because, Hey, don't touch." "Why?" and it would go on. He understands but refuses to respect.
    Lately I don't care. If I made a tape now it would be labled Voices of deffiance. I've moved from feeling sorry and trying to . deny my feelings to wanting to be free. If I find what I'm looking for nothing or no one else will matter.
    "You shut your mouth! I Am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does!"
    How soon is Now
    Well I wonder
    "Park the car ... "        the Smiths
    I Don't Care anymore         Phil Collins
    People Are People             Dephoce Mode
    Disparate but not Serious        ADAM ANT

"What is Wrong?" says the wonder of Wells.
    "Nothing"
    "Nothing?"
    "No, nothing new."
Nothing new. Niegh onto 8 yrs. now A Grey man named Solitude has picked at my flesh like a hawk and laughed like the cancer he is. He and the Beast are in this together.
    I want Halloween to be here I can leave myself behind for a day. Just one day.

851Ø.29

    And we walked, hand in glove, Me and Myself, I-ing each other in some twisted and dark Narsasitic manner. Then we turn and stare at a tall . muscular man in tight jeans and a leather jacket, his black mohawk waving in a gentle storm breeze.
    "Who is that?" my attention called away by the voice.
    "Mearly one of my God forsaken lusts."
    "Well, You cân't 'ave 'em! snaped the pale beast solitude. I looked upon his ugly Jagger like features and said,
    "I didn't want him you cancer."
    "Oh, such strong words!" cried out the english accent.
    "Strong words for a damning situation."
    "Well, just keep your filthy hands off my dessert."
    "Ha. I live in your dessert." and we continued to walk forward.
--------------------
    I was there the day my friend lost touch with reality. I watched as he laughed over the bodies. See we always made jokes about senseless violence. One day I said It's be pretty easy just to go over the curb and run down the Washburn football team as they stood there durning practice. One day my friend just said "I hate jocks" Then he ran the crub in his cold and gunned the engine.
"Deffensive line this!" he yelled.
I stared at him in shock as the large padded bodies broke the windshield and fell off the car in bloody pulps. We still don't know what caused . Bret to do this. I still remember his laughter as they dragged him off in a straight jacket. He wore that black glove and yelled "I can't it in a Straight jacket".
            The Ice Man.

8511.02

    Halloween was great. I was a mime. White face, red lips and blue eyes. I had no voice to speak of, and I wore white gloves. *picture in the gallery*
    I lost my mustache and am growing all my facial hair back. I'm going back into hiding.
    Everything seems to be dieing around me as the cold closes in.
"Puss." says the Ice man sitting in a throne of gray stone.
    I feel so alone and I don't care. My learnings slide because I don't care.I need a lover that won't drive me crazy.
    I'm 19 and I don't care. I shouldn't be 19, I haven't lived that long. I should be 16, so I can start dating. I'm 19 and a virgin but that doesn't matter. Sex isn't important, Love is. I want a date, I want a lover. I want to care.
    I'm so god damn alone and it hurts. I'm cold and turning to stone. I think I've lost the feeling in my heart. Can't I love somebody?!
"Puss" says Dave, lord of Grey Stone.

8511.04

    "Putting on the glove again?"
    "Yes, and my coat. Please hand me my sword."
    "Is all this truely nessesary?" spoke the Ice man as he handed me my sword.
    "Yes, I believe so." a fly bit my brow.
    "What are you going to fight?"
    "There was a Dragon I never killed."
    "So your going to kill it now?"
    "He pined me in for a long time. When I couldn't defeat him I was forced to do battle with a black Beast. I couldn't defeat him either. I'm going after my original target."
    "What Beast?"
    "Nothing new."
    "Don Quihote, when will you learn? You can't fight walls made of grey stone."
    "Nor will you penetrate a shield of black leather."
    "Let us celabrate first."
    "No, I can't lose controll now."
    "Come on Bret, Lets have some fun." said O'Brien. One of the peace keepers who wear Ice blue.
    Hot meat and cheese in a shell with ambrosa X-hot. My friends coldly poured the vapor to my lips and I ate heavily of the venom. I lost controll but the black Knight and a glove made sure they didn't suspect. I was worse then a drunk. I was a wild man. I felt balls, I ran, played. I danced on the cieling, I nearly slept in my piss.

*so that is when that was. I remember this night as one of the worst nights on taco's I've ever had (for those that don't remember - taco sauce will make me very hyper and careless). I almost killed us all that night from trying to play dodge in moving traffic, peak-a-boo with the driver of the car, Standing on my hands in the back seat and dancing on the ceiling of the car and tag with anyone that would play (which wasn't many until I ran out into the traffic and they wanted to restrain me). The balls reference - someone was trying to restrain me, and I made them let go by grabbing their balls. I knew I was feeling them up, but I also knew they would let go out of shock, then I ran away (frightened and laughing). After expending that much energy - you get tired. Taco's make me run until I can't - then I quit suddenly. I was pissing in a ditch when it hit me. I fell over and started to sleep. My friends woke me and told me to put my dick away. Then took me home. ... So why do people think I need to drink alcohol or do drugs again?*

8511.07

    I began wlking toward my doom. I was armored and prepared for battle. I was going to kill a Dragon.
    Night Court. Dan's best friend from college came to see him. He was now a woman. "That's Not Chip Its a Gelding! Chip is floating down a gutter some-where!"
    I can understand that kind of torture. Its why I have a glove. Marc must never know, Dave must never know, No one must ever know but me, this journal and one speacial lover.
    Comercials for An Early Frost. A television movie about a boy with AIDS. Its why I'll probibly die before I'm thirty, even though I usally say Forty. *I still say forty from an accident ... this was interesting to read though.*
    I reallized I was treading this ice. The bottom looked grey and boreboding. I can't fight the dragon, I can't even decide what I'm doing.
    There is no holding  back my fantasys, my desires or my emotions. But they aren't of my friends any longer (at least very rarely). It's with others, those I don't know, image or see in magizens.
    I've stopped lying. I avoid the issue but I don't lie. Luckily every one thinks I'm joking.

8511.08

    "I need to be more selfish." I said to myself.
    "Why?" asked Dave in a voice that rasp like stone because he had a cold.
    "Because not being selfish has caused me to be alone." I heard free floating laughter; solitude.
    "What do you mean?"
    "I mean that I have always thought of others before myself and thus caused myself to be alone and tortured."
    "Thinking of others first, I would think, should make you many friends."
    "Oh, it does, and it alows me to keep them. but I'm still alone. I can't even see your face." I said over the phone.
    "Why does that make you alone?"
    "I can't tell you, that answer lies behind a black glove." It nearly came down to telling him, right over the phone, two years ahead of myself.
    Marc, that laid back Cat, playful Death Dealer. I saw him again, this time I could talk, but not much was said. He was happy and carefree, and in watching him I realized, I missed my chance. I can't be young. Most people my age have loved and lost, liked and hated, experienced life full throtle. I couldn't give myself that chance. So I lost it. I went from childhood to lonely mon-existance. I'm in my old age, I forgot to be young.
    "No one cares." I often hear Dave say.
= I care! I car alot! Otherwise I would fight this battle. Everyday . I fight with no rewards and no thank yous. I fight for you and my friends and everybody else around me. All I get out of it is solitude!=
    "Bit melodramatic isn't it?"
    "Shut up and go away."
    "But you are alone, thats why I'm here." and solitude laughed at me again.

8511.14

    I'm so God fucking sick and tired.
The Ice man has taken to locking me away in little rooms.
    "I don't think you realize you're free. Now you'll have to fight to be free."
    There's only one door, Dave is quicker and stronger then I. I'm also disadvantaged in that I don't want to touch him. For sanities sake    I'll soon die.
    "Let me out! please, let me out. Let me out of the closet. I'm alone in here."
    I'm afraid I'll crack next time. I have violent images of Dave and Marc. I see myself beating my way out screaming and yelling. It's not pretty and I don't like it.
    It hurts so much wanting to be free and seeing it in front of you all the time. The Fifth of July, so innocent and strong. Move over Mrs. Markham, there it doesn't exist but its funny and handled well. Thats the way my life seems right only it's not a joke,
for me.

8511.18

    The Ice King has a facade of Stone. Hard and grey, just a bit on the lite side.
=>>SLAM<<= "She's a bitch." he said in his normally like and sarcastic way. Then he violently flung the phone across the room. He then turned and walked away for a moment. Of course I stared. These actions where quite out of the ordinary and violent. Suddenly he turns around, still looking as usuall.
    "What? I'm not angry." then he hit the refigerator and kicked the phone.
    "Damn. I broke her that time." he said looking at his hand. He walked down the hall to his room, then I heard a loud snap. He walked back into the room folding a record album jacket, cover, and all.
    "It's just a record." he said with smile as another snap filled the air. As he threw it in the trash he kicked over a stepping stool with a pot on it then picked up the phone and slamed it in it's place then picked up the stool and pot. He sat down.
    "Don't stare at me." Outward appearance, tone or emotion never changed, only his actions. It scared me.
    "I can't lie any more Dave."
    "What?"
    "I'm gay."
    "So what? Your Gay." Then a fist breaks my jaw, an elbow my ribs and a foot bursts my nuts. Never a change.

8511.19

    As if it weren't enough, now its snowed. It was 75° yesterday and it beautiful. Today its 22° with little snow showers. The ice wind cuts through me in my coat and Dave, the Ice King, laughs at me as I shiver and he drinks a mug of Ice water.
Damn the Bloody cold and Dave's warm hands!

8511.2Ø

    I'm going crazy. Its been building for, God, Six years now, maybe more. I can't stand to be away from friends, but I can't stand to be near them either. I want to be held tenderly.
    I thank my lucky stars for the friends I have. I couldn't have better (maybe if they wouldn't hate fags so much). They ask me whats wrong and offer to help, but I can't even tell them the problem.
    Two of the greater influences of my life were in the same room today. Death Dealer and the Ice King. No wonder I was reduced to nothing.
    I as good as ran away from Dave this morning, then because I felt alone and felt as if there was no hope, I instinctively went to Marc. When I left Dave I was going to home to be alone. Instead I went to Marc's. We rented a movie and came here, then Dominator called.

He took me out of the house, leaving marc behind, made me follow over the town then took my car. I came home to find Marc.
    I had forgotten he was in his care free days, I ones I missed and wished I had. He'd drunk three california coolers and started on four. He wasn't far gone but he wasn't worth talking to. Dave came by then. The Young One's were in the VCR. They laughed, I laughed, it was a grand day for trying to grapple with ones life.
    I can't figure out what I'm trying to say. I don't know if its worth writing. Cheerio, goodnight, until I die again.

8511.22

    Grandma T had me going there a minute. Actually had me thinking she was a nice old lady. We (Dad and I) picked her up to see Jason play Mr. Curtis Appelby in Night Watch. She was kind and pleasant, almost a new person. Jason gave a great performance at a 70 year old faggot.
    Then after the show, Grandma T seemed so pleased. "Look at all those people congradulating him." she said. Then on the way out Dad said "Jason sure was good." and she replyed "He was. I hope he doesn't let it go to his head and let it keep him from doing anything worthwhile."
    At first I thought it was just an awkward statement but as the conversation . progressed it became clear she meant that. She actually come out and say,
"He's a good actor but he will become something worthwhile, like a Doctor or lawyer, won't he?". I'll give Dad credit for one thing though, he stuck up for Jason, even if his attempts were shallow just to keep his mom happy.

8512.03

    I'm alone in the house and there's nothing to do but home work. God forbid I should be good and actually do it.
    I'm alone in the house and its cold outside. All I can do is shiver and shit, again I drew blood, how can I stand a lovers touch.
    Early this morning there was the sound of velcro coming apart. I pulled my hand away quickly leaving Dave's hand floating there in mid-air.
    "God, I was just going to tighten it."
    "Don't, you tighten it everyday."
    "That's A lie! I'm not even near you every day! I don't ever touch your glove! How can I tighten it every day! You are a fucking liar." I looked up to see him standing and leaning over the table staring down over me.
    "Symbolicly Dave." he opened his mouth but I just kept going. "Everyday you and marc tighten my glove, symbolicly." He sat down and took a couple of guess at the glove.

Now I listen to Peter Gaberill (sp).
    Last night, Marc, Dave, Pat, Bo, all around me. Laughing, joking, telling storys, making stories, punishments.
I realized ---~
    "Park the car at the side of the rode.
    You should know times tide will smother us, and so will I . ...
And I wish I could laugh, but that joke isn't funny anymore. It's to close to home and to near the bomb. More then you'll ever know"
--- Is a new law, I can't have fun, I can't laugh, I'll never be happy. i'll freeze to death in the flood of life. I'm worse then a homesexual mutant with leprisy.
    "Watch the monkey get hurt."
    Ever notice, all the Ice men have warm hands. The Ice King, Death Dealer, Calm struggling Alien, All warm hands.
    "Reaction levels way to high, I can do without the stimuli."   "Cold discharge of static emotion."
    I am willing, I said to solitude, Lay your hands on me.
    "What is your problem? Tell me, what is your problem." The Ice King plays Freud.
    "I have no problem."
    Problem, problem, problem, problem ...
    "Well, I wonder. Do you hear me when I sleep. I hoarsely cry ...
    Well, I wonder, Do you see me when . we pass? I half-die ... This is my final stand of all I am ... I half die."
    "You have gambled with your own life, you face the night alone. Hold on ... your built of flesh and bone."
    Peter sings on ...
    I zone out farther and farther and remember I can't laugh.
    "Hi Kieth, this is Phil. I'm a janitor at the hospital, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the Lamda?"*
    "They should be disected, then killed." said the Dealer of Death.
    "Oh, guess I'll have to stop. I don't want to tighten your glove."
"No," I said "Continue. You'll feel better knowing you kept this on my hand."
    Its dark and I'm hot from the struggle. Here's a gleam of light, theres another. As I try to exit there is ice in the way. "Let me out Dave!"
    I can't seem to get the music loud enough. I can still hear it.
"I am the Son and the heir, of a shyness that is criminally vulgar ..... You shut your mouth, I am human ... "
I can still here it. I can still hear it
    "Come on you pussy. Okay fag."
    "I'm not a Fag!"
Denial is the better part of cowardice.
I can Still Here it! Louder!
    "Stop using Sex as a weapon."
The music never goes away.
I CAN STILL HEAR IT!
I'M NOT DEAF YOU' KNOW!

* This was a joke, on a friend. They called Keith and pretended to be Phil, and asked if he would like to go to the 'current' local gay bar. I didn't think it was funny - but this was how I found out about the bar.
Lots of lyrics here from The Smiths as well as Peter Gabriel.*

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