Book 6 April 25 1985 to June 29 1986
If I die now, I die a virgin. And thats good.
It means I haven't been shot and my friends are still talking to me.
I had three visions over the past few days, none of them
happy.
First I met a beautiful man with the name Luke. He said he
wanted a 'good time' and so I followed him to the parking lot where
we stood by a truck. He grabbed my head with one hand and pulled me in for a
. long kiss like I've seen in the halls of school. As we pulled apart
his hand still there he said 'good bye' then threw my head against the truck. My
head was reeling and my sight spun and blurred as I watched him walk away. I
awoke in time to go home and change for work. The night was mostly uneventful. I
had a half hour before I got off and we just finished throwing water. Some-thing
came up on the machine and I reached for it and sliped. I fell and bashed my
head on the steel counter denting it. The fall to the floor gave me an equal
bash to the back of my head. Sean O'Brien and Steve O'Dell brought me around a
minute later with the aid of smelling salts. Steve told me to go then and Sean
offered to drive me so I wouldn't die. "I can't die now." I said to
him, "I've never been in love." and I left for home, I failed to
follow the advive of friends and get a head X-ray.
About a week later watching Marc spar with Sagee (? a faceless man) I caught a
wild punch square in the jaw and I reeled back hitting my head on the door
frame. Fortunately Brian, also . watching,
caught me before I hit the floor. I left that standing once again. Next week at
the D&D game I wasn't feeling well. Sean offered to drive me home once
again, again I turned him down. I was driving down 29th when the world began to
spin. I turned and went to Marc's seeking help. When I arrived
at his door I was bleeding out my ears and he
rushed me to the hospital. I sang 'How soon is now' and Marc thought I was
delierious. As We pulled into the hospital I said "Don't grieve for me
Marc. Satan betrayed God and was Damned, Judas betrayed Christ and guilt drove
him to suicide. I betrayed you and my friends and thus I die happy not knowing
guilt or damnation." I went in and never came out. Later they found my
journals and tried to deny everything. "He just wasn't, couldn't have been
.... not."
In another vision I left behind a lover. "He's
dead" they told him. "Dead?" he said, they nodded, "Fuck,
I'm alone again." And still my fiends tried to deny everything.
Then there is the one when I speak the lyrics to the Smiths,
Just as nasty.
To die without guilt. Can it be done? I'm in
a damned if I do and damned if I don't on that one. If I die with my secrete
then I've kept everyone happy but myself. If I admit it then i and maybe one
other will be happy. I'll feel guilt if I never do something for myself. I'll
feel guilt if I betray all my friends.
One of these days this dissision will be made. I'm afraid I'm
going to opt for my happiness and say to hell with anyone who doesn't want to
understand. Everytime I see it in my mind though, I find someone, then tell.
That way I have someone to fall to when all my friends leave.
"Sometimes I lay in bed
And I think about Life
And I think about death
And niether one particularly
appeals to
me" - the Smiths -
Why? why doe it all have to be so complecated?
Why I haven't writen in awhile. Do you know
what kind of curse it is to recall what you where thinking on any given day? Bad
memories are enough but an exact recount of every bad thought is a curse. Good
. thoughts and feeling are recorded also, but like in my mind, those
are hard to find.
last night I stayed out until 3:3Ø AM
today. Most of it was spent in Vista's parking lot with Dave, Pat,
Shawn, and Shelly (one of the girls up front), just talking. Talking good things
and bad.
Dave and Brian (Paxson) are odd folk. I don't know how to put
it any other way but in this strange sententance. If actors where to play Dave
and Bri they would have to make a 2 dimensional dialog and blocking have 3
dimensions. Make sence? Dave and Bri and 3-D people that consistantly act on a
plane (2-D).
Here, x this a period and a dot is a 1/3 of a second pause.
Heres a dialog between me and Dave.
"Why .. Bret x how are you!"
"I'm fine Dave x How are you?"
"Oooh .. I'm Great . Say ... How are you. for a gave of
Top Secret?"
"I don't know x I've been out late alot recently x"
"So x"
"So ... I don't know If I should stay out late
again."
"Fuck it ... Stay out x We won't be that long x "
"Okay."
"You need more letuce on these bugers boy x "
"How much more?"
"Just go .. Ba-lah"
"Great "
"Heh - Heh - Heh "
I don't know if it came across or not, but
the way Dave talks and acts is 2-D but you still know there's a lot more there.
Brians a little different. He's (in all due respect) a fat
ugly slob. He acts the part and admits it it, yet still there's more there. It's
not like I can put my finger on it but its there.
The more I think about what I want to write, the more I know
I'm thinking in non-existant circles.
"Just shut the fuck up." I said
calmly.
"What did you say?" he said in slight shock.
"Just shut up. I'm tired of hearing all this anti-fag
shit because you don't know what you're
talking about."
"Now what a minute ... "
"You know," I said cutting him off, "I wish
that you fall in love with a beautiful woman and get married. I hope your love
bears a strong healthy son that grows to a young man that makes you proud in
every way. And I wish that when he comes to you for understanding when he tells
you he's a homosexual that you can remember he's
your son and everything you ever thought about homosexuals was wrong. I hope you
can see the light then because I can't get you to see it now. " I get up
and leave. The next day he's at my door.
"What's wrong with you? You wished some
bad things on me last night."
"No, I didn't." I said.
"What do you mean? You said you wanted my son to be a
fag!"
"No, I wished tow good things on you. First that you
have a strong healthy son that you love and loves you back. Second I wished upon
you wisdom to see your son as the man he is and love him for it and not let one
powerful label get in your way."
"Well, thats a contradiction." he said. "You
can't have a son and be proud of him if his
gay."
"go away until you know what your talking about."
then I slamed the door. It could have been marc or Dave, Brian or Brian, Shawn
or David.
"Hey Dave! For a guy whoes favorite song is "People are People" you sure are a Niger."
"I am the son and the hier
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
And something else,
But nothing is particular.
You shut your mouth
How can you say I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everyone else does. "
I was out mowing the lawn at Grandma's. I san
along with the Smiths and the sun shone down hotly. Then came the street crew
with one man shirtless to the sun. He was gorgeous and left his shirt off even
in the coming storm. Within 45 minuets the clouds came and a light rain
followed. After the mower stopped I continued to sing. Jason came out laughing
and said "We can hear you in there." "So," I said "If I
did not want to be heard I would not have sung aloud."
We left and went home and as thoughts of my dark muscular man
faded so did the clouds. But its late and thoughts return just like the storm.
It rains even now with thunder and lightening.
Everytime I think of the future I see a son. I know this will
probibly never happen, how can it? Logan is always there though. Gar is second
usally away and being missed. Then the twins (sometimes triplets) different but
the same always active. Lucan and Khan were there names this time. Logan wears
black and is like Chris Greywolf. Mysterious, friendly, an athlete yet Logan is
a wanderer, not sure what to do with his life. Gar wears white and is a talented
musician. Triplets wear prime colors, twins "normal" clothes
. and like computers. Logan, Gar, Lucan and Khan. I wish you could
exist.
I seem to have lost the disipline of writting.
I will have to record storys and thoughts like I had intended.
There was a storm not long ago. It poped up out of nowhere
and the thunder and lightening where feirce. Jason looked out the window and in
his infinte wisdom said "Someone sinned tonight." I grinned because I
knew it wasn't me. I'm a virgin and proud (or am I? because I keep saying it to
myself) and I finally didn't hit Marc in a dream.
I threatened to hit him and I would have but the need didn't
arise. There was a new character involved.
I left for a mysterious reason on my 21st
birthday and returned 4 months later. I was a little different, more self
confident and a little grimmer. Marc and I were conversing and the topics were
leading toward homosexuals. I was about to tell him to shut up and the reasons
why when Kruger showed up.
Kruger tried to kill me but I beat the shit out of him. I
recomened that he leave the state. Then I . set
out to explain who he was. I got to the point that Kruger was responsible for my
change in attitudes and that, asshole that he was, he was my lover for a brief
time. This brought on realization on Marcs part and I laid down everything I
wanted to say with a "take it or leave it." ultimatum on the end. I
told Marc "This is my last stand on all that I am." *song
quote - Smith's*
He asked me to take him to his church where I invisioned him
going and yelling at God for being caught between, what he believed were, two
God taught laws. Love of true fiendship and hatred of homosexuals. When he went
in I saw myself kneel before the cross outside the church. "I am an
agnostic. I question your existance. But if you wish to complicate my arguements
prove your existance to me again and again. Please grant me one true friend even
if it means I never recieve a true love." I left the church then.
When I got home I recieved a phone call from Kruger. He said
he was going after my "new boy friend". I was out for Krugers blood.
Marc wasn't at the Church so I went to the house. There was Kruger with arm
pinning Marcs arms to his sides and the other . holding
a 44 auto mag. in Marc's mouth. Kruger was determined to kill marc slowly and
make me watch. I knew that once the gun was out of Marc's mouth he could take
him. I 'begged' Kruger to shoot me, I bared my chest as a trarget. "What's
wrong Kruger. Not enought balls to shoot who your angery at?"
Kruger pointed the gun at me and fired a shot as Marc fliped
him. Marc saw me fall with blood in the air and as Kruger stated to get up marc
hit him with all his strength in the nose, killing him. I was only nicked and
Marc and I came to understanding. I finished telling him about Kruger.
I'd known him two days when he dropped the façade's and
tried to rape me. During his attempt I cut off his balls and feed them to a pack
of alley mutts. Its how we gained a mutual hatered and why my remark resounded
so harshly upon Krugers ears.
I need sleep. I have to work tomorrow.
And he danced as the music cleansed his soul,
for a moment he was free. The music was loud but no one else heard them. He let
the music flow through him
. and he let his body move as it saw fit. It was by no means true
dancing. The kind that is choreographed and flows with the music as style and
grace. No, this body just moved as it saw fit, to release agressions and
emotions and to make it feel good. To others He looked like a lunitic hooked up
to a machine and dieing fo an epileptic fit. Or perhaps they thought the stereo
was electrifying him. They were more correct.
The music flowed through him cleaning out all the negitive
things. The words were loud in his head, he could think of nothing else. His *?body?*
moved out of controll he could do nothing, but dance and think of nothing
but the music. He couldn't think of his tiering day at work or his depressing
life of "solitude". He couldn't think of his brothers nervousness over
a driving test or the betrayal of his friends by darker needs. All he could
think about was the freedom of movement and how good it felt to dance. How good
it felt to dance with no one else around.
Then the music stopped. It had to, nothing lasts forever.
When the music stopped so did the dancing and the freedom. Thought returned and
all was back to normal. But I was free for a moment. How long where you?
Have you ever wondered how you're
supposed to act. I don't mean when you go to a strangers house "How do I
act". I mean when you're
facing a personal problem, conflict or emotion
I play "How soon is now" almost every night. I
think I should cry or be very angry. I don't know why and I never do.
I used to think, "simply do what you do and react the
way you feel." It's a good philosophy, keeps me out of trouble most of the
time. If you feel like crying, then cry. It worked very well. Then came the
Smiths and Depeoche Mode and Public Image Ltd.. Rised new questions. How am I
supposed to act.
I hear songs or listen
to people and I think I should cry, but the tears aren't there. When I think
about crying it isn't comfortable so it can't be right. When I hear Marc or Dave
going off about 'fags' I am angery. I want to hurt them and set them straight.
But I can't, not yet. This makes me want to cry later and I can't.
I tried to think, what would I do if my parents died. I went
for the classic fall apart emotionally and cry, withdraw ect. It wasn't right
though. I thought I might turn into an emotional stone or feel nothing. Not
right either, I would feel something. How was I
. supposed to act?
I remembered
reading some stories in my short fiction class. "Will you please be quite,
please" was a story about a guy and his wife. he knew she have messed
around once, years ago. He then forced her to tell him. He ran out of the house
and got drunk and slept in the gutter. He didn't know why. It was how he was
suposed to act. Doing it didn't make him any happier.
Is it natural to be lost in trying to figure out what your
supposed to do. Is it better to do what you feel or what you should? Is there a
difference? Am I making sence?
I think I got lost in there somewhere. I'm
going to go to sleep now and play the Smiths album.
Oh, What would I do if my parents died. I would want a hug
desperately in order to feel loved and un-alone. It would have to be along hug
where I might cry. But no one I could turn to could give me that hug. Not Dave,
not Bri, not Brian, not Shawn, <--*there is an
arrow pointing here from the entry below*
opps -
got to go
8508.16 supplimental
last night I was dragged off to watch VCR movies with Dave,
Bri, Rick and Shawn.
^--*arrow up to entry above* --cont. Marc and David
Stouse might offer but wouldn't work. so I'd probibly go and find a lover to all
on for a couple of months.
AGNOSTIC WITH FRIGHT
DON'T QUESTION GOD'S MIGHT
HE WILL TEST YOU AT NIGHTTHE ROOM WILL SWIRL
ARE YOU A BOY OR GIRL
DOWN THE VORTEX YOU TWIRL
-----
What do you Know, there is a limit to the pain I want in or
from life.
Those were the only two things I wrote this
weekend while in Springfield visiting Angie. I woke at 4:ØØ AM
on friday to catch a 5:05 AM bus. I got there at 12:1Ø pm
nearly 4Ø minutes late. Angie and Jaquie (Jackie) where there and we went out
on the town. They taught me to "boy watch", what a laugh considering I
allready knew how (awesome looking college men, nearly wet my pants). I talked
with Jaquie and watched her do laundry while Angie worked. Then she (Angie)
introduced me to Tim and we saw St. Elmo's fire and then the 'insomniea' showing
of the Breakfast club. The we went and knocked on Dorm doors and I watched
Angie's friends get drunk. We got 'home' and to sleep by 2:3Ø AM.
This wouldn't have been so bad if I weren't running on 4 hours of sleep from the
night before. (I entended to go to bed early but Shawn O'Brien came by and we
. talked until 11:ØØ or so and I didn't get to bed until midnight).
Haveing gone to sleep at 2:3Ø AM we
prompty awoke at 1Ø:ØØ AM and talked until she (Angie)
had to work. So at 3:45pm I was dropped off at the Battlefield Mall in
Springfield. It took me until 5:07pm to walk around the whole
thing. I saw nudes of Stallone in Playgirl, my imagination was very
close. I want to buy that issue. At 5:07pm I bought a ticket to
see Teen Wolf with Michel J. Fox (cute pun, eh?). Good stuff. Came out and went
'home' with Angies Mom and sister. We waited there and Mary and three of her
friends and Tim came over then Angie got home and we went to Insomeia showing of
Breakfast Club again. It nearly became like the Rocky horror Picture show (which
I still need to see). After which we tired to get a Trival pursuit game together
but failed and got home at 3:45AM where we set an alarm
for 7:3ØAM so I could be on an 8:35AM
bus home. Arrived here at 3:45pm. Ta-da!
I am sleepy, possibly ill and classes start tomorrow.
Tim had 3 buttons; "Oh, Mother is it really worth
it", "I'm just a stranger here myself" and "Conform, go
crazy or become an Artist" added with my "Don't fuck with my
reality" button . well, you know the
story, if you don't guess.
I don't know about this.
I woke today from a strange dream. I had been left - walking
naked on an island that I had been told was
abandon. There were houses and yards and it was night and I found no signes of
life. Then a dog lunged at me from one of the yards barking and there was a
comanding vioce behind me. The dog barked at me
from the other side of the fence that stopped it and I turned fully clothed to
confront a police man (I still acted as if naked covering my crotch with my
hand). The policeman told me to stop lurking about and took me home. I was
embarased to show up at grandma's with a policeman, still acting naked and
ashamed. I went straight to my room (my real room was at grandma's
house in this dream). I stayed there awhile then went to the basement (ours)
from my room. there a man I've seen in my magizens came out of a room with his
underwear about his knees. He looked as if trying to get away. I fell to my
knees (naked once more) and sucked his dick out of impulse. He looked shocked.
as he started to get erect. I heard a . voice
say "I'm comeing out and the only way your getting out is if your
limp." His eyes widened and slapped me off. Another naked man came out and
chased after the other. I went into the room these men had come out of and found
several naked men. they called me a sex therapist and I had to give them
erections. I did. As I finished with the last few a man dressed like an urban
cowboy came up. I heard him unzip his pants. I looked over to his feel and saw
the tip of his dick hanging just about his ankels.
"What is that!" I said amazed.
"The longest dick in the world." he said.
"What's it look like erect?" I asked
"I don't know." he said. "Let's find
out."
I reached over and grabed the dangeling member and found it covered with calusus.
The skin was hard like the skin on your thumb. That's when I woke up.
Out of habit (a bad one I had stopped for a week) I
masterbated in the shower, thinking of my dream. After class I came home and
masterbated after looking at my old magizens with Rick Donovan and Shawn McIvan.
And I thought "I could get calusus'es on my dick."
I went to mow grandma's lawn. It was hot this afternoon so I
did it shirtless to get some sun . too.
Guess who else was there. The guy that lives next door to Grandma. The guy that
doesn't wear underwear with his shorts and changes on the front porch. The guy I
like to watch, because he bends over and squats and
doesn't pull the shorts down to cover his hanging balls and dick.
I mowed the lawn clock wise so I get a better view of him.
Obviously he had the same in mind. I think I wrote before how I find him
atractive (just under a Hunk) and how I fantisize of him occationally but
wouldn't follow though because he lives right next door to my Grandmother. When
I left I found a note on my steering wheel collum. It was from the guy and had
two words on it. NICE ASS.
Fantazys can be answered but thats not good. In my fantasys I have one night
stands. In my dreams I have relationships. I want my dreams answered. But Then
again, fantasies can become dreams.
I took the note, nervously, to his door and knocked. I didn't
know what I was going to do if he opened it. No one was there. I went back to
the car and found a pen. I wrote on his letter "THANKS, LIKE YOURS TOO.
KEEP IT A SECRETE." Then I thought I was risking to much an scratched out
my part and . kept the note. *which
is between the pages of this journal* One my way I saw my self at his
door.
Knock - Knock "Hello."
"Hi, liked the note. Do you want to talk."
"Yeah." I would walk in an sit down, then he would
sit down.
"Where do you want to start." I asked
"How about with Are you gay."
"Yes, I think so."
"Think so?"
"Almost certain, but I don't like it."
"Do you want to fuck."
"No. I'm scared"
"Nothing to be scared of."
"It's not right either. I have dreams of a relationship,
not a fuck."
I don't know what would happen after that.
I don't even know if should acknoweldge the note. He' 33 has
a steady job as Sunflower graphics and smokes. I don't even know his name!
That's all I know about him.
I'll have to aknowledge the note. Talk to him anyway.
Sometime soon. The note made my day anyway. Its always good to know if your
found attractive. Nice to know your noticed, even if you are scared of it. I was
exzillerated after all. Came home and masterbated a third time to his images.
*life size forgery of his note - NICE ASS, also - the original note with my reply scratched out*
© 2001 September (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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