Book 6 April 25 1985 to June 29 1986

8505.29

    'Shout, shout, Let it all out, these are the things I can do without, Come one ... . I'm talking to you, Come on." Tears for Fears.
    I taped letters to the wall in relife of blue. I was alone in a world my own. It's crooked, stop leaning, why can't I get a straight answer, "You'll never get a 'straight' answer from me."
    "It's the Bad life!" Public Image LTD.
    'AAAAAh!' said the Fonz in college,
    'You need a sharper Image' said 007.
'It's all insugnificant' said Einstien. John Lennon, Julien Lennon, Lennon, Change the sheets!
    Challenge to Marc, for time now, can he make it? exciting results tommorow.
    Naked in France? Le Pantiloons?
Will I make it 'Did I miss again' Phil Collins.
Reading a language unknown, talking like an american.
    'Order of Death' 'This is what you want this is what you get" Public Image LTD.
    Fooling in abstractions found a protrait of me. 'Look on.' said the wise man but the fool stayed behind alive.

8505.3Ø supplimental

    Dreams One big one with little interlocking others.
    I started in a huge Night club / stadium /  Circus. I parked my car and meandered in. The audeince was on the field doing chants. A few had pulled off there shorts to moon the audience. I noticed Chris Brown was one of them. I didn't know Chris was back so when they were done I followed him to talk. When I caught up with him he was in a uniform and very skinny. Chris pulled me in close with his arm around me. I commented on this and he imediate-ly pushed me away saying "Sorry, My wife isn't here and I'm used to doing that." I said it okay and Chris was called away.
    When I turned around it was a night club in the staduim with a circus. As soon as I realized it was a circus I heard screams and turned in time to see a bengal tiger leap out and attack me. It was on my back and had ahold of my hands in its mouth. I kept trying to shield my head and neck and pull my hands free or place my whole left wrist in the jaw. I kept yelling for help but no one came. As soon as I placed my left wrist in I woke up (back in the staduim night club). A kind gentelman helped me up. I thanked . him and went on to buy a ticket for the circus. I went into the back halls of the stadium toward the ticket stand. Suddenly the same tiger from my dream leaps out at me in an empty hall. This time I sieze a chair ( painted a light purple) and hold at bay. I start to back him up. He goes up to flights of stairs and I'm looking for someone to call for help.
    Some people come down the stairs and scream when they see the tiger. "Go get help!"I yell. At that a hand takes the chair from me and backs the tiger into an empty ticket cage. I turn around and the man and the chair are gone. Then I turn again and there is tiger noises but no tiger and noises fade away.
    I went to work then. I found my boss, Sherlock Holmes, dressing in the letrine. I asked him to see a friend of mine. (Here I must back up. I'm trying to relate in the best order I can remember. It seems Chris was called off (about assissins?) and then I was attacked on the green staduim field by two assassins. One of them was Aaron (Gotzs?). They were cult religious finatics. The other blonde headed one, had me down with is hands around my neck yelling "I'll you right know if you try anything". His axe was in reach . and in hand. I Knew with one swift chop he would be dead and I would be free. I told him that. He continued to stare me in the eye yelling "I kill you right now if you try anything!" I dropped the axe and Aaron came over and commented 'they' were dead. 'They' weren't suposed to be. I told them they were framed and could get help. I let up. I think I was on the way to get help when the rest happened (?)).  Holmes agreed and I brought in Aaron who explained his situation (note; he and the other always wore read and black (more red)). Holmes was delighted with the case but couldn't figure why everybody was shitting in his office then I told him he was in the bathroom. He and all the others left leaving me there. I so I left out the back door. There I watched a guy get picked on by three athletes because he was carrying suitcases and graduationg from clown school. Then the gentel-man that helped me up after the tiger asault gave the clown a ride. When he got into the car he turned into Ricky Shroader (Silver  Spoons) and learned the secrete of the Green gobbe stopper candy rock.
    I went back to the stadium area and watched the same gentelman sell a two dollar phone for 6 million in an . auction.
    I also seem to remember driving around in an old car with Joan Rivers and Lynda Carter both who were bitching about the kids that lived in the mansion we were driving around.
    I woke up after the auction.

supplimental
    Ever just see someone from a distance that was just so fucking gorgous? I did today. Jason left something here and on my way to drop it off this guy came out his house with nothing but purple sweats. I nearly ran into a curb staring at him. I felt like stopping and saying "You have the best body I have ever seen and I wish I had the money to hire you as a modle for my drawings." I might have done it too but he wasn't there on my way back.
    'You got a problem!?'
    'Yeah! I got a problem! You try living on only friendship! It can be hard!'

8505.3Ø

    Funny how time vanishes. Tommorrow at 3:ØØ I go to Marcs to play a game until at least 12:ØØ AM (midnight). I have plans to wake up early - 1Ø:ØØ and drive . to Haiawatha and get Brad. Then we will drive back and visit David and I will help Brad shop for Bicycles. He should spent the night and I'll take him back Sunday. There goes a weekend. I'll need my sleep. Goodnight.

8506.01

    Hey folks, its been.
    3:ØØ the game was to begin. Craig Gates and I collect Teddy as the Mad Doctor Ludlow begins to put the finishing touches on Death Scheme #12.
    Zap! Marc is now god with a fist full of dice and a grin on his face. Craig, Ted and I become old Viet Nam viets out for a good time. I, Johnnie Black Hawk Lopes; Craig, James C (J.C.); Ted became Michels. We break onto a heavily gaurded game reserve in Wyoming. We get tracked, we kill, we hide, we 'stumble' onto a hidden complex under the mountain. We search, we get captured, we get weilded, we get sent into the future. We wake in a sewer, escape scum-men (caniblas in the sewers), we fight a gang, we get captured by the police. Ultimatem issued, we attack Mad Proffesor Ludows home to free him from renaged cyborg . experiments. Door, room, room, room, empty, empty, empty, full of eyes, Cyborg attack, room, room stairs, room, room, Dragon devil, Dragon Devil Attack, room, room, empty, double back, spiral stairs room decor (furs!), up, room, teeth, cobwebs, pink feathers, cyborg attack, chase, kill cyborg, kill another cyborg, spiral stairs with furs, Purple room, red plastic room, model men evolution, desk, spiral staris with furs, chemicals, bombs, cyborg attack, Caged manbeast, Invisible night stalker, room full of sand, spiral stairs with furs, Room, Room, Room, Spiral staris with furs, JC cracks and destroys the furs, Cyborg attack, chase over 1,562 folding chairs, chase through green room, We turn green, kill, still green, Spiral stairs with furs, JC knifes the furs, Ball Bearings, still green, Crystal hall, green glass room, trap JC & I, Michels outside, Grey monster attack, Ø points left, Ø points left, attack Michels, killed - quit at 2:3Ø AM home, sleep.
    6:3ØAM, I'm awake 'I know Craig Gates' flashback, big house, awesome tape collection, we joke, we call DJ with "Why did the punker cross the road? He was stapeled to the chicken." DJ put it on the air. We went down and Thanked him.

    Shower, Dressed, leave following mother. ge Brad, come back. Eat, Call David - David restricted What did he do?, Shopping, Store, Store, Store (JC crackes and destroys bikes) Bike bought, Gym, letters look nice, Marc's, Eric's moving about, small talk, Dairy Queen, mall, Ladyhawk soundtrack, back to Haiwatha, Back home, now 6:ØØpm.
    Hey man, its been.

8506.02

    This may hurt a bit.
    "Mark Hill asked you to call back about a job." said my Dad wakeing me at 1Ø.
    "Who is Mark Hill?"
    Needless to say my Dad's hearing has gone totally screwy and I didn't know what he was talking about and either did he.
    I went to comics and Fantasies. I got my comic books and I went to the register. As Sam was punching in my purchase he answered the phone. It was for me. I couldn't believe it, but it was.
    It was Dave Wells asking me if I wanted a job. I told him I'd have to ask for time off like crazy this month but if he's still looking after the first week of July give me a call.
    I came home and mother bitched me out for not taking the job.

So I called Dave back and told him the days I would need off and if it still be possible. I went over to his house and we listened to Deposhe Mode and talked out the details. Tomorrow at 8:3Ø pm I go for orientation and get my schedual.
    Pain; Work, lack of free time, haircut and a shave.
    The haircut I was nearly ready for anyway but I was just really starting to love my beard. I was thinking of shaving it for halloween and then growing it right back. But I'll be working in a kitchen and health codes say no beards. A moustache I can have, but no beard.
    Mom says she really likes my beard too. She doesn't like my moustache. "If you shave," she says, "shave it all." I haven't had a totally naked face since puberty.
        'Night.

8506.03

    The moustache stays and the hair is cut tommorrow. I start at 5:ØØ and go till 8:ØØ. Bet ther at a quarter till.
    I look different now.
    "Here Comes the Rain again "
Eurythmics.

8506.04

    I Spared with Marc. I garnished hamburgers, I collected trash, I swept, I moped, I shoveled ice, I collected trash, I let them lock me in the storage room.
    Fun night. Goodbye.

8506.06

    What did I do yesterday? Oh yes. I was out unitl 2:ØØam this morning getting killed and rebuilt several time in 2D.
    Now my hands smell like onions but I'm happy. This is because I'm now not ill. This could change. I need sleep so I'm going to get it.
    You know, its a strange and funny feeling being a homosexual around a bunch of straight guys making gay jokes and comments. *Welcome to the real world and the Closet*

8506.07

    I wonder if she knows how much she hurts people. Annie Lennex an her lyrics. Touch was the perfect name.
    People are people is probibly the only happy song Deposhe Mode has written. Its also the only oppinion they state as a message. I think that is why its on both albums. Not that I want to start any Blasphemous rumors.
    Long hours tommorrow. 5 until close.

8506.1Ø

    I don't think I'll be writing as much in here. Several reasons. One, I seem to be regaining my sanity. This is what I talked to when I had no one else. Besides, I talk to myself more often and the conversation is usally the same. The ideas seem to be repeating and I'm sure set up boring reading. Second, I'm not writing in here exactly as I've been wanting to. So when I do write in here it will be because I have a great idea I want to get down, a writing ecersize, or I need to talk or write out a problem.
    I still want to write my feelings so I can see how they changed when I'm old or help out some phyce student with a thesis. So I can find how different or how much the same I am with others.
    The wedding a Paris should spark some writings. until whenever.

8506.11

    I saw a movie tonight that sparked alot of thoughts again. It was on Cinemax, "Money on the Side" with Jamie Lee Curtis. It was about Prostitutes, mostly about prostitutes that wre also housewives.
    First it brought back the visions of my imaginary family. My wife, Raven Dye Darkholme, is a beautiful dark skinned woman that was a prostitute. I don't know why I always . saw her as an ex-prostitute or that I feel in love with her when she was turning tricks. I just always did. Even the kids knew about it, we didn't keep it a secrete.
    I remember in one of my other day dream/visions I ran away and became a prostitute. I was hired for other men's pleasure and I made good money.
    "What I did I did for us! We're people, too!"
    "I'm people. You're a whore."
    The movie developed so many characters into real people. Real flesh and blood people. But I still wondered ...
    I always wondered about prostitutes. What made them different? The abliltiy to remain detached? A need or like of sex? A need for affection? I mean it must take something that not everyone has. Not everyone is a prostitute, not every prostitute lasts. What is it, and do I have it?
    Could I be a prostitute? Would I marry one? Could I truely love one? Why do I see my wife as a prostitute? Maybe I have a better sence of reality knowing the only woman to make me happy is one that could divert my homosexuality. Maybe my sence of the sence of the sexual is sick and perverted. Maybe its just curiosity.

8506.17

    I am thourghally repulsed by Bronski Beat now. I listened to there album because my brother temporarily traded a few with a friend. The music it's self isn't bad, sometimes quite slow, but not bad.  The lyrics and vocals are what truely sicken me. The whole album is a set of sexual, homo-sexual, come ons. "Need a man blues" the worst of most. Only a few of the lines in the songs are worth anything and Junk the only song worth a listen. Even the title, with the material behind it, is a sexual come on in a perverted faggot way. These are the kind of things I think and feel same of the highest order.
    Equation for a love song -
1) make it universal, everyone should be able to identify with it.
2) Never mention gender - everyone feels love, Men, women, homsexuals. It should mean as much to a woman thinking of her man or visa-versa add infinitum.
3) Only mention gender and names if recounting a story of past love (Romeo and Juliet, Tom and Sid, Chris and Lisa, ect.) or if singing an 'Ode' to a specific person.
4) This won't limit your song. Love is to vast an emotion to run out of aspects that everyone . feel.
    Bronski Beat abused these rules big time. I'd rather listen to Public Image Ltd. In fact I do, quite often. I like his stuff now. It's really ahead of its time.
    When listening to Public Image Ltd.
    1) Listen to the music first.
    2) Treat his voice as an insturment not a voice (or you will feel he can't sing) as an instrument it goes with the music.
    3) Lyrics are listened to later Treat his voice and his lyrics separately.
    4) Remember that Johnny rotten is very likely phycotic.
    5) The best frame of mind to be in is semi-relaxed. Such as just before you sleep.
    2 and 4 are the most important. Tie me to the length of that, the Order of Death.

8506.24

    Let's see, we have alot to talk about.
    Chris Grey Wolf's wedding to Lisa Hernadez. The cerimony was beautiful and I really think this marriage may work out.
    I look sharp in a tux that dosen't mean the Beast left me alone. I met several new People many of them male and beautiful. Jerry Geraldo was . one I was glad to see again. John Sembella was someone new and beautiful. He's a really nice guy and terribly straight and religious with a strict conscious. At the dance after the wedding he got slightly drunk (I emphize slightly because the 3 beers and other assorted drinks (samples) only made him walk funny and losen up. He wasn't drunk) and danced with two girls and kissed one made the other jealous. "I will never get drunk again" he said on the ride home. "I don't know what I'm doing and I screw up. I'll have to make some phone calls and straighten this out in the morning. God, I'm glad my brother left before I started drinking." This is all he talked about. I have nothing but respect for the guy. Glad I met him.
    During the rehersal when I was walking down the isle with a beautiful woman all I could think about was how cute the Acolyte's ass was. Red hair and gold flecked green eyes and a stride of confidence no doubt given to him by God. No doubt he was also religiously straight.
    My leather glove has been crumbling apart and my will . to repress seems to be going with it. Chris, at the dance/recpetion, asked me if I would tell him what the glove meant. I said no but stuttered over it and later seriously concidered dragging him aside and explaining in detail. I desire so much for someone to know and understand. Some-one to talk to. I've been dreaming of a Brice Ravenwood. About 5'9" built like a wrestler with black hair, moderate tan and peircing blue eyes. All I've done to the image is fall in love, no sex only hugs, holding, and a kiss or two. I loved the man so much I told my secrete to all because I didn't want to hide the love we felt. At the begining of the reception when everyone else was dancing I kept thinking of Brice. I was missing someone that didn't even exist. I losened up though and several girls asked me to dance. I nearly got a joke dance with Chris and Lopes. Each at there suggestion. I didn't though.
    Chris pulled me aside, totally sober and told he felt as if we were brothers and that he loved me as such. I was honestly able to answer him back that . the feeling was mutual and gave him my best wishes for the marrage. Marc did something very similar only he was drunk. "You know" he said "Drunks say things they usally don't but they mean them." I said yes. "I love you man, your my dearest and closest friend." I told him I knew that and hugged him then sent him out to party.
    It's funny, I was talking to him today. He and Bo, a friend of Marc's, were talking about how they could tell a fag on sight and felt they should be killed on contact as the only pleasure they could get from a homosexual was killing him. I hate the way they both used fag and homosexual interchangablely. Marc was just worried that he might have to kill his new boss at "Michele's" if he makes a pass at him. Anyway after this fag debate over homosexuals and how they could recognize them on sight and could only enjoy a dead homo I had a great time with them in Bo's Grandparents pool. It almost makes me laugh everytime I have this conversation. Boy are they going to be shocked if they ever find out.
    David is back in the mental ward of Stormont vail because he medication wasn't working. I went up to visit him but he . tossed me out because he was busy with his girl friend.
    Let's straighten out a few things.
8506.2Ø
    Rehersal and a party of no consiquence All the drunks had the look of being trapped.
8506.21
    Picked up tux and went to work and missed the Batchelor party.
[-->
| 8506.22
[--Wedding, photo, reception and David told me to visit him on the 21^st.
8506.23
    Saw Lifeforce (a 7 on a scale of 1Ø) and saw David for 5 min.
8506.24
    French meting breakfast, bought new shoes and suitcase, should have returned my tux, Spared and swam with Marc and Bo then went to work.
    Well that's to date. Most of the thoughts I can remember. France or more Paris is next. We leave on the the 29^th.

© 2001 January (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)