Book 6 April 25 1985 to June 29 1986

8505.13

    A day alone, spent alone. I got up later then usuall, squirming under the wieght of sleep. I put on my sweats, covering my naked body. I tried to stretch, but was difficult. I went and ran under grey skys, the rain feel like tears ushered by great flashes of light and rolling thunder. The air was crisp and clean, the rain wet and cold, the body in pain and tired. I ran a mile with my memories. We came home with a fictional dialoge.
    "Why do you act in riddles?!"
    "Back off Marc! I am a riddle its the way I am!"
    "Why? It gets you no where!"
    "It's the way I deal with things alright! It's easy to controll a physical substance, so when I have problems I can't controll I make them physical. Abstract concepts are hard to controll, so are emotions. A physical symbol is an easy reminder and guide. Easy to see the progress or failure of your objective."
    The rythm of my feet broke and the labored breathing started. I went indoors and unvieled my body. I . lay there thinking, knowing wrong, getting a hard on. The sun wasn't out so I masterbated then showered to feel clean.
    I dropped off my report, all offical and neat, to no one. I thought about going to the Cedar Cinima *porn theater - heterosexual*, but I had no money. I went to the student (?show?) instead. I looked about at many works, most meaning nothing but skillfully done. I recognized some of the artist, Brad Passow among them. There was one that struck me, I think done in pen and ink with some brush and washes. It was of Death, sicle raised, ready to kill one man among a faceless crowd.
I went home, sitting alone, thinking of characters alone, with the power to be noticed, I sat alone, thinking of nothing, staring into space, trying to forget, alone.
About two o'clock the idea struck me to dream into action. I grabed some pictures a pencil and more paper then began to draw. Marc's face was okay but not enough, I'll try again later. Brian Cowen's sucked, it had his features but not his face, like the family resemblace of distant cousins. I didn't get to Chris. *I was drawing portraits from pictures*
"She wore a Rassberry baret" it played on the radio in memory of Prince. I like the song, even though Jason doesn't.
Went to Acedemic awards tonight. It was Jasons turn to date the ugly . monster like I did last year. He made the top 1% of the freshman grade. At least he had the qualifications for his award. Then when I thought no one else should mention his name. "Marc Tolbert" was called for the same award I had won the year before.
Funny how like the sun, the day runs in a circle. All our lives we spend making a loop, which we either fall through or get tied up in. No one call fill a whole in there life, simply live around it.
If I'm depressing you stop.

8505.14

    It was a cold rainy October morning in May. Doctor nudged me awake and I fell out of my fantasies. Running, I did nothing all day.
    Takeing Jason to work I noticed a hunk walking along the road. I thought to pick him up. I dropped Jason off then went on. Driving back I saw him again, about as tall as I am but twice as wide with muscle. I turned a road later on, drove slowly so he could get the point I would drive out. I got there and he had a ways to go but there was a long line of cars. He had a handsome, set face, like Charels Bronson.
    "Want a ride?" I asked, slightly surprised.
    It looked like he nodded up and . and said sure without moving his lips. He walked around the car and I became tingelly and queasy, but then he walked on. He kept going, something in his pockets jingeling.
    I came home, fantasies in Mind.
    "Come one you little queer! Think you can handel it now Judas?"
    "I thought you loved me." I said
    "That was my acting challenge! I never loved you and I'm not gay!"
    "But .."
    "You are such a whimp! You couldn't even tell Marc you lusted after his body and wanted to fuck him!"
    "How can you .."
    "Is that true?" said Marc listening near by.
    "No its .. "
    "Yes it is and you know it! You're scum, you even admit it in your journals which are full of shit!"
    "Don't push me!"
    "What, are you going to get angry? Maybe hit me? I'm three times your size and I know you better then your 'best' freind over there!"
    "I think this is enough." said Marc
    "Stay out of this, Tolbert. His god isn't going to save him this time."
    "That is enough! You are mad at me leave Marc out of this!"
    "Why? You aren't going to do anything. Your a shadow without substance. Your so shallow you won't stand up for anything!"

    "Stop it!"
    "Why? you getting angry? Are you going to cry? You've never done either one before!"
    "Shut up! Just shut up!" rage filled inside me. Why was he turning against me everything I gave him?
    "Make me faggot!"
    I hit him. It was a hard blow that drew blood, but I felt like I could hit him harder, and I want to. He stood up and Marc looked at me in shock.
    "You want anger!" I let my fist fly hitting the soft flesh of his abdomen. He bent over exhaling hard. I yelled "You got it!" as I then took his limp body and threw it into a wall. As he fell to the ground, blood on his face, he spit at me and said
"Go to hell, fagot." I kicked him in the groin and said "You first." then left in a hurry.
    Marc picked up the man who had been at my side nearly 6 months. He was crying and said "God it hurt to let him go."
    "What?"
    "Don't you see? I loved him to much to put him through such constant pain."
    "I don't understand."
    "He still has a problem admitting he's gay to himself. Every minute he was around me caused him pain."
    "But you just hurt him badly."

    "With the help of a good friend like you, he'll get over me."
    "But he loved you."
    "I know. I love him too." the tears streamed down his face as he got up.
    "Where are you going?"
    "Away from him. For both our sakes."
    Then Marc was left standing with blood and tears on his hands and the memory of an anger he never wanted to see again. He looked at his hands and wiped them off with a towel saying;
    "There will be a lot more blood and tears before this is over." Then set out not knowing what to do.
    I fell out of my fantasies as people came home and all I could think was "I'd be scared of Marc."
    I went to gymnastics and now to bed. Wonder spin makes my head.

8505.15 supplimental

    beatuiful song "I've done everything I can to make you mine and I think its gonna' hurt me a long, long time."

8505.15

    The sun came out, so I burned. I lay there cooking, covered with sweat and the breeze would pour over me like an incomeing tide. Skin is getting darker. good night.

8505.16

    Ever lose track of a day and wonder why?
    I've been sitting in the sun, actually laying. Every day now I've been out there trying to get a tan. I sit, or lay, out there under the sun with the head phone on.
    It's beautiful. I close my eyes and rest. Images burst across my inner eyes coriagraphed by the music and inspired by my feelings. Red, orange, yellow, white, green, blue, black are the colors of my mind. I feel them on my body like a heat chart. I see them in the clouds and hear them in the winds as they caress my body. Its so peace. A thought has yet to cross my mind out there other then what I've discribed.
    Today I also went to Grandma's. We landscaped and it felt good. I got my fingers in the earth and played with worms. The smell of fresh dirt was great and so was the cool feel of dirt under my finger-nails. Lifting chunks of live earth held together by the roots of the grass and moving it to a trough of grassless dirt, it was a good feeling. I began to be able to tell the difference between the earth that was real fertile, semi-fertile, that below ground, that which had layed on top, and the kind earth worms would like, all by touch.
    Hey, Marc, I think I like to garden, too.

8505.17 supplimental

    This is Damn aggravating!
David can be such a fool I don't know whats going on and all I get at the hospital is a damn ring! David, what the hell is going on!?

8505.17

    Damn Circles.
    The day starts again. Mother wakes me to tell me I can sleep late. I wake, think of showering but put it off. I want to sun, I figure to put on suntan lotion, sun, and wash it off. There is not suntan lotion, the bottle is empty.
    I turn on the television and watch Mark Singers half naked body in 'Beast Master'. Then I open the door and lay naked in the sunspot to tan my ass and dick durning 'Wavelenght'. Then I go upstairs to run a bath. While its cooling I drew dirty pictures of a green and blue man. Green man, blonde hair, limp dick. Blue man, purple hair, erection, Both Aliens.
    I nearly get caught when Mom comes home. but I sent ther off to school. Got in the tub and did my stuff. Got dressed, called Grandma to come get me - Dad took my car and left me with his clunker and a flat tire - She does and I garden.
    The earth was harder, hoter, and dryer then the day before. The . grass was yellower and the machines noisyer. The magic wasn't there.
  - Ring - 'Hello'
    'Tony called, Honey. Wants to know if you want to see the 'Last Dragon' '
    'Yes!'
    'Then call him and I'll come and get you.' click.
    Franticly through the phone book I find the right number and make arrangements to go.
    'I swear,' said Mom, 'He sounds alot like David on the phone. He whines the same.'
    The movie was exellent I took Tony home. As I was ready to leave, Laura pulled in (Chris's mom). We talked about the wedding. 'It's an Ardvark eat turtle world'.
    Then I came home. 'David wants you to call him at the hospital.'
    '?' was my reply.
    'The number is 335. Call 345-6 and the room number. Thank you.'
  - Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring ..... -
Every five minutes I called and let it ring twelve times for an hour.
    'Is there any way to find a patient not in his room?'
    'The station nurse might know. Whats the room number?'
    '335.'
    'Click, humm ; Ring - 'Hello?'
    'Do you know where David K. Stous is. He's not in his room. I've been calling . it for an hour." the whole incident seemed to remind me of when I waited at the phone for Marc to call me when he was Ann's, the snow Queen Madame X.'
    'They don't have phones in there rooms, sir. I'll give you two numbers to call and the nurse will bring them to the phone.' numbers.
    'Ring - Hello.'
    'David Stous'
    '(Wait) - Can't find him now. He's probibly using the shower. Can you call back?'
    'Yes, in 1Ø minutes.'
    In five 'David Stous'
    '(Wait). Hello?'
    'David?'
    'Yes.'
    'What the Hell is going on?'
    'Not much.'
    'Don't give me that. Your in the Hospital and you asked me to call. What's up?'
    'Well first off I tried to Kill myself.'
    'What!'
        I couldn't believe what I heard. David wounld *wouldn't* talk. All he said is call his mom. I did. She couldn't talk. She took my number and said she'd call back. I waited, staring at the clock and an empty jar and telling my mother stop thinking aloud. She kept trying to tell me why David killed himself.
    'It's a cry for help!' she'd say.

    'Don't let his mother lay any shit on you. You had nothing to do with this.' she said. - How do you know - I thought to myself. I couldn't believe I was calling a room for an hour and a half that had no phone!
    She called back and tired to expalin to me what happened. He like Kathy, I dropped him off at her house last Saturday. They decided to go together. David told her old boyfriend she was going with him now. Next day boyfreind said she was back with him. As his mom put it, he was playing with a razor, trying to hurt himself and make it bleed, not much really, but security at school got wild and called her, she called the Doctor, Doctor said put him in the hospital and they did. He went willingly.
    Statistics said I would have been able to aviod this.
    I have only two things to say.
    1) I don't know why he didn't talk to me. He knew I was here.
    2) I don't think I know David very well. I never thought him capalbe of such a thing. I don't know why this girl meant so much to him. I don't know why he became so drastic.
    Bottom line is I don't know why.
    And somehow, I don't know know how.
    And I'm going to have to find out how.
Get out of here purple haired woman.

8505.18 considered

    It's late and my eyes hurt so I'm only going to write as long as this little light is on.
    Spent most of the Day with Paxson. Lots of fun. Played pool saw 'Fletch' stayed for 'Gotcha'. Saw Gavin Fritton and Danny Lastly while we were there. Also saw Robert Muller but we didn't say much. Went to Vista to bug Dave again. we didn't stay to close this time. I shoved food in my mouth, Brian turned to me and said,
    "Jew hav' bãd mãnners!" in a german accent. I smiled and said,
    "No, Agnostic have bad manners."
    We laughed but had to explain it to Rick. I have few good come backs and this was diffinately one of my better ones.
    I found out that Brians older Brother died in a motorcycle/car accident, must have been over a year ago (at least). He hinted his brother may have been drunk.
    I called David at the hospital. He was in a lot better mood. I think I'll visit him tomorrow. He's in the psych ward and he tells me not to dress funny so I can I can leave.
    Lights off.

8505.19

    Just one of those wierd daze.
    I woke up and started to read my comic books. I finished one and realized it was time to go to gym-nastics.
    I got there early, like normal. I saw the T-shirts with the logo I designed. They added some lines. I did suggest three but they didn't like it - they added about 5 or 7, and the script heading of there letter head. They look real sharp. I think I'll get two and send one to Marc. I cast over the bar also.
    I then went to visit David. He's stil normal. I think he's in the wrong place but after Thursday he can check himself out. We played a game of chess, I won. We talked alittle during the game. I left after an hour.
    Ya' know, they phsyce ward and a bunch of weird images flash through your mind. 'I've yet to met Jack Nicholson here swinging an axe.' said David. Those are some of the images that fly through. It's not really like that. I walked in during one of those days. Only the waiting room gave me the creeps.
    Tomorrow I run, tan, mow and visit David again. Told him I might bring my sketch pad and draw him. Maybe I will. I don't really know.

8505.2Ø

    I woke up today to the rain. During a sprinkle I ran. There was no sun and the grass was wet.
    I drew for awhile. I drew a white man and a black man making love. I challenged myself with foreshorting to make better views. The intertwining of characters was quite satisfactory as I leaked over my bed (bare with me, everyone has a gross day). I masterbated and shot quite a load. Looked at the drawings again. They weren't as good as when I was making them.
    I went to visit David. I took up my sketch pad. I drew David, he looked alot meaner and rougher in the portrait. Maybe its because he wore his sunglasses. Quintin (Willson?) joined us as we talked and I drew. I don't know what he is in the psyche ward for either he's a real nice guy. I finished Davids and a nurse needed him for a test. As he left I started a portrait of Quintin at his request.
    We talked a little. He's 15 by four days, he's waiting to be transfered to state as I understand. I don't know why. I'm not psychologist but the only things I noticed about him is low self-esteem. He thought his nose looked like a chicken nugget. He's really a very handsom man, he looks like Lief Garret (if he hadn't . mentioned it I never would have made the connection as the two do have different personalities. Imagine Lief on a harley with an Ozzy Ozborn T-shirt.) He also would ask 'Are you a man?' as he judged man-hood by age alone. I judge man-hood by maturity and his' almost there. Hell, I thought he was 17 or 18. I'd also be lying if I said I said I didn't noticehe had a large dick for 15.
    While drawing Quintin, Shawn and Kelly came up to see David. Kelly is the girl David cut himself for and Shawn is Davids friend which is also Kellys boyfriend. all the time he was there David made no secrete about rubbing it in. When they got near eachother David would growl, and he'd say "She's the reason I'm here."
    I drew Shawn at Kelly's request. He had a strange face I wanted to draw. It was long and rectangular. He also has 'Betty Davis' eyes with high brows. I admire him also because he didn't seem tomind that David was still trying to steal Kelly and that she was playing along. The more I think about it the more seh reminds me of Ann.
    Anyway I turned out three very good portraits (in all modesty) in alittle over one and a half hours. Wish I'd a kept those portraits but I gave them to the subjects. Quintin . was quite pleased with his. He figures its the best he's ever looked.
* Drawings of two faces - labeled Quintin and Shawn *
    Quick and bad reporductions from memory of the two protraits of new people.

8505.21

    Circles backwards in memories and *? this isn't a word. It is either bunk or lrink could be brink or bisnk ... take a guess*. The Cat yells and the children rebell. Life is just a bowl of shit served on a lisver platter. A robber may demand your money or your life but your wife demands both. Dance into the fire for a view to a kill.
    (Laughter) They threw me out of the psyche ward today. I didn't see David or Quintin.

8505.22

    Just when I was ready to send hate mail the circle closed.
    I woke up today. I was kind of confused and my head spun. I go dressed, streched out and went runing. As I neared my finish . whizeing I realized 'This is the fourth day I've run two miles. If you want to be in good shape when Marc get's back better sprint these last few yards.' So I did. I wasn't finished breathing hard until I got home. I remembered I told Dave that I was going to start exerisizing at home so I threw in 2Ø situps, 1Ø push ups and 1Ø dips before I stopped.
    Then I undressed, lazed around awhile then let the rabbit out. She jumped around in a terror and thought to eat everything in sight. I put her away after a 45 minute romp. I got out my dirty magizens and went to sun. I couldn't read the fiction in the sun like I thought so they lay in the sun also. Then I came in and read them. Then guess what I did.
    About 12:3Ø pm or so I showered, shaved, and tried to look pretty. The last few weeks or so I've noticed I like what I see in the mirrors now. Thinking about Quintin I came up with 'You are only as beautiful as you let yourself be.' I guess I feel alot better thus I see myself better.
    I went to use the FREE mini pizza cupon at Godfathers for lunch. I found DeAnn working there (ANN). I hadn't see Ann since human relations. I think she had a crush on me but since I never really said anything nothing ever developed (thank God). We . chatted and I ate my pizza.
    When I left, around 2 ish, I sat in my car and drew waiting for this one guy to come out. He had a really nice ass and I wanted to watch his short stocky frame move. When I looked down on my paper I suddenly saw Death blossom. I love the image. I drew it over and over again once I was home.
    Kieth never showed up like he said so I called David to see if he was free for a visit. He said he'd call back because he was bussy. He didn't. I didn't see him today. I think he gets out tomorrow.
    I diddled around the house and watched TV. About half way through Mork and Mindy there was a knock at the door. Mork was trying to find out what a 'perfect 1Ø' was from Mindy. There were three shadows on the curtains and an arm in the window. A thought crossed my mind but I quickly dismissed it. I opened the door.
    "What the hell are you doing back on this continent." I said.
    "My God a beard!" said Marc.
Teddy smiled and so did the other guy I've never seen. I pulled Marc in for a hug and invited everyone in. Teddy said no and that he'd be back at 7 to get Marc.
    All this time I kept waiting for my mind to wake up and let the . illusion of Marc fade away but it didn't.
    "Hey, I didn't tell anyone! Only Teddy and Eric knew." He always did have a flare for the dramatic.
    I showed him all my recent art work and told him not much goes on here. He told me not alot goes on there. He was here an entirely to short time. But tomorrow he's comeing by and we may see 'Gymkata'.
    I went to gymnastics as high as a kite. I did Round off flip-flop back, flip-flop back, fronts, step outs, ariels, and conditioned well.
    I think I'm going to like tomorrow.
-----
    Oh, Also, I saw Bill Resnik on TV today. He did a commercial for Hoffa used cars. Good job, too. I'm going to try and see him in Squabbles Friday also. He seems to be dertermined to make it as an actor. I think he will too.

8505.23

    I really like today. I ran and put in my exersices then layed out in the sun. One hour on each side and all I seemed to get was sweat.
    As soon as I got in Marc called. I told him I'd get ready and come over. I showered and got dressed, I decided not to masterbate.
    I got to Marc's and I watched . him box with the ball bad -> þ *drawing of ball bag*. He showed me pictures of Jen. She is a beautiful woman and I feel so sorry for Marc. He's pretty broken up over having to leave her.
    Then we decided to eat. Marc's eye still bugged him. It was slightly swollen and he said it felt like it was scratched. We ate at Taco-Tico and then he came with me to lift.
    I felt good today so after I bought the T-shirts (one red for me, one blue for Marc) I uped my wieght on everything. Marc was impressed and so was I. At present I can lift more then Marc on most of these exersizes. I give him a month before he's at least even with me. * Probably the ONLY time in my life that I was physically stronger then Marc *
    Then we went to the post office and mailed a letter to Hen. took for ever to look up her zip code.
    I dropped Marc off (it was about 3:3Ø and teddy wanted him after school) and I went home. Oh, I saw Jim's tan (he is dark) and I hugged Sammy and said hello, and said hi to Ribs who has grown a foot since she left (no exagerations). * this would be the rest of Marc's family *
   Home, I took Jason to Work and then went to see 'Gymkata'. That is a good movie. Kurt did okay. the dialog was weak but I think the biggest problem was the terrible music score and reused scenes.
    Then I went by Marcs again to drop off the T-shirt he left in my . car. I talked to Sammy about Marc's eye. Seems the tear duct is infected.
    Two funny things. This morining I woke up feeling like I never asleep just restless. I rolled in hast looked at the clock, about 5:05 am. I lay there and thought I could get up and run but it would be forever waiting for the sun. I went back to sleep. Marc told about the same he woke up after a dream of lying awake. He thought about getting up but decided against it.
    Second. On the way to drop off the letter I got something in my right eye. 'Seems everything you do eventually becomes mimiced in me intentionally or unintentionally" we laughed for awhile eventually my tears cleared my eye.
    After the visit with Sammy I went to see David becaused they tossed me out earlier again. He had a lot of people there so I left after a half hour.
    Now 'm here. Now its late,
Now I'm not - opps.
   One last thing. On the way home I saw a jogger. Tan and smooth and oh so good looking. Then I recognized him. David Johnson, Ivan's younger brother. I yelled go for it and he stopped and talked awhile. I wanted to reach out and touch him, I didn't. Instead I sped home and beat off. Sorry David but your body is a killer!

© 2000 December (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)