Book 6 April 25 1985 to June 29 1986

8504.25

    I'm in one of those really wierd moods where I don't know what I want to do. I sent Marc his taped letter. Death Dealer should be happy. I went around, no one else was home. They were probibly in 'the company of wolves', I don't know how they'll end.
    Paradox laughs as David Scholesser has crossed my paths before yet we never knew. Same class now, same school always, Same interst varied.
    Blind men walk my way for I am covered in brail. They can only touch the surface though, that is why they're blind. As they touch me I am frightened and excited.
    Bearded men are supposed to be more coragous. Maybe my beard isn't thick enough yet. Maybe I'm to thin. My muscles hurt though. Coach Byrd is a tortureous man or being. Even Loki was threatened by a drunk over bread. Funny like that, things are.
    What else is there to say but ruine.

8504.26 supplimentary

    Had a dream. I went to college, away to college. I couldn't get a dorm so I got the use of the cafe when its closed. I had several nieghbors, all of which went in and out of my 'room' constantly. One day there was some assignment to find out how long it takes you to masterbate. I was in the bathroom with a magizine when several girls came in to take showers and hang hose. Everybody minded there own bissiness. Then Ken (from my Art class) came in to take a shower, the girls washed him then he got out and watched me come. Then he knelt by the toilet and asked to borrow my magizine for the same assingment. It was a gay magizine but I let him borrow one and took the other three out with me. Once in my room One of the guys that lived across the hall was in the closed cafe searching and yelling 'Where is my lead copy?' He saw me and my stack of magizines, 'Do you have it?" 'No' I said, 'Just mine.'. He looked anyway and found it, a hardcore called Topman. He laid out on the floor and started to beat off. That's when I found out he was gay his roomate was gay, he had the biggest collection of hard core magizines and video tapes of anyone and though I'd lived in the cafe' nearly a semester now I didn't know they sold a large collection of magizines that I could have unlimited access to. (Note; all this time, no one knows I'm gay. I always . fell very uncomfortable when found with the magizines and shocked when they don't react. Even more shocked when they don't figure out I'm gay).
    This all makes me very angry but I have no place to go because my room is a cafe'. I sit down and order coffee (I don't drink coffee but here I did). Then this little kid, maybe 8 or 1Ø yrs old lifts up my leather coat and scratches my back, I ignore him and consiquently he continues to scracth and Bill Cosby sits down and gives me a lecture while he lets this spider crawl all over him.
    It becomes jumbbled after that.

8504.26

    I did a stupid thing. A wild thought that crossed my mind every so often, never truely meant to be carried out. I was shaving my beard, had a little of the shaving cream left over. I spead it on my scrotum, just for the feel of it. Next thing I know I'm shaving the hair off of the scrotum. I always had this wild idea of shaving off all the hair on my lower body. I stopped at just that small patch. The skin feels good there though.
    People would be shocked! I'm not doing this for attention am I? I don't want it to be for that. Arthur the King was an embarassing mockery of Camelot. Never do I . want to be like that.
    I hear thunder. Maybe the world will die tonight and I won't have to worry about it. Escapism may be my only hope. May be what causes me to fail.
        It's late, and Dark.

8504.27 considered

    'Its very late,' said the rabbit looking at his watch, 'One whole hour just vanished away without me.' Pool table, 'Moving Voilations', Vista, Dave, Close, pool, Leave, home.
    Loki, that little devil, he's not back from prom yet. Good to know he's normal.

8504.28

    The night before was fantasticly wierd. But slipped from the path several times. Moveing Violations made me arm wrestle wrong, Dave nearly killed me. Paxson laughed, Brian Cowen and Marc Tolbert would have grimaced. Death Dealer would have killed.
    It was late 4 o'clock when ready to go to bed. Loki pushed his limits, as normal, was out 'till 5.
    On 5 to 6 hours of sleep I went to tumble. The day was lousy.

    Marc Lejune (the Idiot!) called. Damn Dominator for giving me the phone. 'I'm in a weird mood,' he said, 'Like I've got nothing to say.' - Great - I thought, but he talked anyway.
    Homework, finales, terminal procrastination.
    Wrong thoughts! Wrong thoughts! Shame for me, shame.
    Danny and a rectal thermometer.
    Chris and marital delusionment.
    Alex Wright and the hot sum.
    Dave with nothing better to do.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Condemned!
Go to hell and smoke a terd for that one boy! - No, I don't want to -
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
    I Want to Live!
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
'I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does!'
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Condemned!
    Doctor is so warm, he cares.
Pretty thought.
    I like to met new people. School is a good place, keeps my mind bussy with intelligent people. Good Thought, continue.
    I only wish ...
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! wrong!
    Your weakening.
    I'm alone too.
    We could try ...
No! Wrong!! You'll die! They'll kill you!
    I'm alone again.

8504.29

    'Here's a picture of me shaving the hair off of my palms' I hear myself saying to the pychologists and Marc. 'Shows you what my sex life is like.'
    I have this story in my head. I and several very good looking men go into the school basement to get something. The school is getting ready to close for the holiday. By some chain of events we get locked in. There are two ajoined rooms and one small closet. At first I try feverently to get out, 'my will wouldn't last out a night' I think. Soon the fruitless attempts lead to a seclusion in the corner. One guy takes controll, keeps us calm and occupied, organized and sane. We play little games to get to know each other better. I try to hold back. A night goes by and another day. Tempers run higher and the guys job gets harder. Then it comes out, I'm gay. All the rage and fustration of being locked up is vented at me and I get locked into the closet. They refuse to let me out. I could hear them talking about me. I find a vent in the closet that leads to the exterior hall, I get out. I try the door from the outside, its still locked. I leave the building thinking I should let them stay in there. But I know full well that I was looking for . someone to let them out. I do find someone with the key. I don't return to see there release.
    Symbolic of society and my fears. When I come out of the closet I am exiled and put into one. But I find freedom, I release the others. But I am alone, all the time.

8504.3Ø

    Fuck me! I've been screwed long enough!
    'I'm lucky in Love, Yes I'm Lucky' - Mick Jagger, ugly as sin and he can sing this song.
    Kieth starts to stretch out. I stretch out too. He does a stradle, I strecth down a little further, a little more to the left, keep looking, down just a ... Slap! Thank god I cramped, thank god there was pain. I'm sorry Kieth.
    Skills test tomorrow. Vault and hight bar. Vault and high bar. Skills test tomorrow. I have no skill, but I'll pass. Just like I do in life.
    Eric Hess stretched out and I thought of Marc. Dark skin and perfection, way out of reach.
    "How much more can your heart take, before a heart break. I can't go on hurting you" On MTV, good song.
    Finals are a bitch! Fuck me already, I've been screwed enough.

8505.01

    "Love is on Your Side" - Thomson Twins. Sing it to the Beast children.
    I used to hate my reflection. 'Vanity is the fall of man'. I would say. I would look and say ''that's not me." I went to great lengths to avoid that utter terror.
    Then we had to do self portraits. I stared at my reflection for an hour and a half. No sunglasses, no hands, no blackness. ''Let's start with the eyes." I said. "Mirrors to mens soul. Lets show the emptyness." That took alot of work. It takes alot to draw nothing.
    The eyes were full though. Full of lonelyness, solitude, anger, bitterness, forgiveness, sorrow and they gleamed with joy.
    I spent alot of time looking now. It's not vanity but curiosity. There's something in there. I look at my eyes. I move my head around staring in my eyes. I'll concentrate on one eye and try to look as deep into it as I'll alow. It's so black. Sometimes I'll flirt. Just to see what my eyes can do. I wonder if my reflection loves me. Would he like to make love to me. Then I think 'Naw, he's my reflection. We'd either be opposites or duplicates, we couldn't get along.' I'd stare really hard then I'd think, 'Maybe you could be my friend.' The reflection would smile back, . ''Maybe." his eyes would say. "Maybe" said I, to no one there.
    I wondered if Marc ever looked at a mirror. If he really stared at himself. Then I wondered if I should. Decided it would matter. I have a problem with Marc, one I don't think he's aware of. I tend to think of him as a god, one sitting high above me in judgement. 'He is just a man' I keep saying. It's starting to ring true. I need to see him fight, I should see him drunk. He is just a man, a very good man, like Christ. But Christ never fought or learned to fight. I don't believe there is even a passage of the Bible describing Christ in a fight.
    I wonder if Christ ever stared into a mirror. If he did, did he like what he saw?
    Saw an old episode of M*A*S*H. A man thought he was Christ. Sidney Freedman talked to him.
"Tell me, is it true ... that god answers all prayers?"     "Yes." he said slowly then began to cry. "Sometimes he answers no." but then earlier when talking to Father Mokahe he said, "Yes, Judas being Judas did what he had to do. Betray me." Thus it was his purpose. A purpose God created and must forgive. Was Judas forgiven?
    "  I was taught that boys need girls and girls need boys. You say it isn't true." -Thomson Twins -
    Did you know confusion is an emotion?

8505.02 supplimental

    As long as there is Death there will always be life and the need to love.
    Or should it be, As long as there is life there will always be death and the need to love.
    I think the first is correct.
    In therapy I might leave Fritz Perls speachless. I have to much to say for myself.
----
supplimental
    He's a beautiful man with the look of a boy about him. I stared at his hand almost for an hour. He has a small scar on the back of his right hand. He's so tan. I spent half of the time staring at his hand looking at his thumb. I wondered what his touch felt like. He was righting ...
    "Frost probibly agrees with those that favor fire because desire is an emotion that most people experience constantly through there lives and is an uncontrollable feeling. Desire also is one of the more destructive human emotions .... . .   "
        David James Berry
    He went on to say its was destructive because it made people do irrational things. Then went on to analize Frosts poem further. The world ends in Ice, ice is hatered.
I wonder what poem this is. I've . never read it.
    I talked to him later. 'Pessimism is the way to view the world. If it turns out good your surprised. If its bad you expected it.' He agreed said it was his lifes philosophy. I wonder what he's on paroll for?
    I wish I could look at him without my bad thoughts. Be able to look him in the eye, straight.
----
supplimental
    ' I'm tired Dave.' I said to my coach.
    ' I feel good today. Let's max out!' said my coach in reply.
    He didn't spot my single arm curls, we went to reverse grip bench then. My arms were tired. 'Less weight for reverse grips, right?' 'Wrong' was the reply. 1ØØ lbs, ten times. Dave lifts. More wieght. 'Oh, please.' but we went on at 11Ø lbs.. 'Last set!' he'd say and add more wieght. I set down 'It can't be as heavy as I think it is.' I laid down and stared at the bar. 'Phyce yourself out, Bret!' I closed my eyes and thought of Marc -You can do it- the image said. I thought about alot of anger, thought about the Beast. 'One, two .... three' lift. 'It is as heavy as I think it is!'. Ten times, seven thru ten were very hard. I got up. 'Ha-Ha!' said Dave, 'Snuck on more weight and . you didn't even know it!'. 'More then 115' I thought and looked. 'Dave! Not including the bar that's 13Ø lbs! Last I looked that's how much I wieghed!' suddenly I felt good but in incredible pain. 'Triceps' he said. Two sets of ten then the bar?' I asked. 'No.' he said 'All three sets'. 'No bar?' I asked. 'No, we'll do the bar, too.' He didn't spot my tricepts. The wieght was heavy. ' I'm very hot Dave.' he just laughed at me and did his set. I dreded the bar, my arms felt like speggitti.
    We went to the bar. 'How many should we do?' said Dave. 'Three sets of 1Ø, what else?' I answered in pain. 'But I could hardly do that last time!' Said Dave. 'Two sets of 1Ø then.' said I. 'Okay spot me'. Pull ups all the way to the middle of the chest. I spot Dave like he asked, then he returned the favor.
    'What about the next exersize'. I said, 'How about the same as the last!'. He said 'But I could hardly do eight last time!'. I replied 'How about wo sets of five then?'. he said, 'Yeah, should be able to rip that off.' Spread your arms wide, one and a half sholder width perhaps, then pull up and touch the back of your neck to the bar. We spot each other.

  '  I can't stop breathing ' I said panting heavily meaning to finish with 'hard'.
    Wheelbarrows were next. My arms hurt. Sit down, arms behind you, someone lifts your legs, keep your body straight, lean far back as you can, your partner keeps you from falling down, then push back to where you were. You bob back and forth ten times. Trade places, ten, trade, ten, trade, ten. Tricepts hurt now.
    ' Dave ... Fuck curls. I'll do them next time!' He laughed and let me go.
    Once you get over the pain its a good feeling.

8505.02

    My day was oddly strange yet so similer. Yet aren't they all?
    I keep having this vision of Marc coming back and not knowing me. 'You've changed so much!' he says. 'I haven't changed, I've been sitting here stagnet.' I say to him. 'No, you've changed.' he says with convicition. 'Do you like it?' I ask. 'No.' is his reply.
    Jung says that I(my) day dreams or visions are actually our sub-conscious telling you what will happen if you continue on your current path. I want to change. I want to feel good about myself . and be able to say it to someone like Marc.
    I haven't see Brian in ages. Perhaps I'll stop by tommorrow.
    I'll problibly never do a self protrait again. All the images I have now move.
    Time! time! time! So little time! Time! And thats Finale!
----
    Forgot to tell about the talking dogs. I had a dream. Went to visit Marc. He was on a farm. Lots of things happened (most I can't remember). The family wanted to breed some dogs. They shoved the female dog into the pen and the male just looked on. Then the family and friends began to cheer him on. He chased after the woman dog and pined her down using wire and rope as needed. She was struggeling feircely but everyone cheered on the male. Out popped a large whiteish green dick and the lady started to scream, in a human voice. Then he stopped and let her go. 'I can't do it.' he said and apoligized to lady who went off crying with her paw over her virgina. 'I'm Sorry.' he said to the crowd. 'It's not fair to her and not to me.' The crowd booed him, Marc included. 'I'm sorry but I'm gay.' said the dog 'I've alot of years left in me maybe I'll change but not untill I'm ready.' Everybody went off dissapointed. There was a big let down. 'Marc,' . I said, 'What the hell is wrong with you?!'
'It's just a lousy dog.' he said.
'Its a talking dog!' I exclaimed.
'It's a lousy gay talking dog!' he said angerly. 'Can't even fuck a bitch.'
'You could get rich off a talking dog but no one cares because he's gay.' I said exasperated.
'What good is a talking dog if you can't breed him?' Marc said.
I had no answer to that one.

8505.03 supplimental

    Very vivid dreams lately.
    I'm usally not in my dreams, this one of those.
    A tall black kid under two white parents in some strange future world. This kid had to make a journey winding yarn. A home he wond some yarn then went out and wond some supposedly from his distination. Wind toward distination, pull from home. You can back track some winding toward home but this makes it hard to unwind the ball. But something happened.
    A gay man approached the boy, and began to haunt / chase and haunt / lure him. All at once the boy was haunted by this mysterious silent gay figure which scared him and caused him to run and also compled him to follow him.

On the journey this cause the black boy to go in different directions winding from both ends of the yarn.
    Seeing how much yarn was dissappearing from the home the father began to talk to the mother. ' I don't like this.' he said. 'It seems to be costing him his god-like qualitys. I'm not sure I want to sacrifice them.' The mother just sat knitting a new child from a ball of twine watching the white yarn unravle.
    The lures and chases finally caught up to the boy. Both ends of the yarn were taunt and the gay man was closing in on him. In sat on one of these time controlled catapults used for transportiation. He sacrificed charging time and activated the machine just before the gay man gripped him. Both strings snaped.
    Mom asked me if I was stretching. I said I was and tryed to see if he died in the chasm but couldn't find the dream.

8505.03 concidered

    "We are all born mad, some of us stay that way." 'Waiting for Gadot' Samuel Becket.

The patient traveller called, offered the time of my life II, but the chains of knoweldge bound me, stay.
    Missing you Duff, Brian, Marc, Chris.
    Grandma's a year older and I'm the same but now they see my beard. 'I'm not hiding behind it, I'm comeing out with it!'

8505.04

    My day has been spent in other thought. Superheroes and the Landscape, the history of short fiction.
    What to do for an Art final has been my only thought. A shirtless bleeding man with a handprint and missing fingers perhaps.
*I remember this drawing - prisma color pencil drawing. It was based on a picture I found.*

8505.05

    Its Sunday, day of rain. Thunder and lightning in the sky, water in the air.
    History of the story done, Final. I started the drawing Meryll but it became Logan. Finally I found my son. Still I have no heroes.
    Tanner, such a small baby. Three weeks old so small and so tired. He slept in my arms for nearly a half hour, at least. I could feel him breath. His hadns were so small yet so large, his eyes so dark! What a miracle he

8505.07

    Oh - ee - didelly - Bop!
    What a stupid song
    Nothing to say but squat
    Wonder when my love will be along.

8505.08

    Class is over, Hi-de didelly -de!
    I think my toe is broke
    I limp like a whimp
        Hi-de-didelly-de!
    My life is a joke
    Unwhole like a gimp
    This poem sucks , its off the
    top of my head
    Hi-de-didelly- de
    think I'll stop and go bed.

Watched Firestarter with Ice on my foot, life is funny, eh?

8505.09

    Almost over, but for the endless copieing! Brian sent his Graduation notice. I'm going to go.
    I dream in circles today looking at flesh. God they were good looking guys. One was mowing the lawn at Burger King when I took Jason to work.
    'Hi, you would happen to be gay?'
    'No, why?'
    'One can dream' I thought of saying. Probibly never will. He was so tan with large round muscles. Dark hair, light brown . tits and an ass that won't quit! Some girl will be lucky.
    It makes me wonder about a few things. I stop to think, I wonder how many of the guys I goggle at are gay. Its possible, but I'd never know. I know there are good looking men that must be gay, I see them in the magizens. Thats why I buy them I think. Not for the smut, though it plays a big part, but to know there are gays that are good looking men. Not like the fat old men with ruby red lips I've met. There the kind I call perverts and they give a bad name to homosexuals.
    I don't think the magizens present me with a limited scope. I know I'll probibly never met someone as good looking as Shawn McIvan or as large as Rick Donnovan (not sure I'd want someone that large). Just someone good looking and a great friend. The Great friend is the most important part, even if they are a god, if I can't stand them I won't stay.
    Am I Alone!?
        God I hope not. Is it so much to ask? Just one person who I can love and be loved by.

'Night.

8505.1Ø

    Missed appointments made anyway and Jokers dealt with with the message " DDK was here". there are alway strange greeting from the seventh stranger.
    School is out horah! Time for the mind to ravage, rise or rot. So this little piggy goes g'night and crys to the market.

8505.12 Mothers Day

    So I asked myself "What kind of fool tells the truth to go to hell, then lies to stay there?". For I dreamt I told Marc the truth and he hit me. Later he said he was sorry, I said he put to little thought into the remark. We remained strangers.
    "You can't be wise beyond your years," I said to Chris. "For there is no way to be wise beyond your experience." In my dream he chuckled. "Yet you have experienced beyond your years." We laughed and I left. Niether of us none the wiser.
    Granny called me her little black bird today. I smiled and gave her a hug.
    I went into Grandmothers yard with a screaming machine. Bare foot and bare chested I cut the green.
    I love you Mother.
    I saw Duff today. Big chest, big dark brown tits. He likes his life and his new car. He's a good . man, I can't believe what he wants to find out in the year 2ØØØ.
    Gotcha!
    'Dance into the Fire for a View to a Kill'
        Lets Dance into the Twilight, and never come out again.

© 2000 November (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)