Book 5 November 11 1984 to April 24 1985

8504.13

    Ever over think yourself?
    Lets start with the Smiths. Probibly tired of hearing them by now but I heard the song again. Copyed down more of the lyrics. I'm sorry I can only hear it on MTV.
    "I am the sun and the air
    (something about 'criminally vulgar')
    and something else
    (a line I couldn't make out)
    Can you say I thought about
        things the wrong way?
    I am human and I need to be
    loved, just like everybody else does."
*amazing how far off I am, yet so close as well*
    Off went my head in a flurry of visions and thoughts.
    back to dying in Marc's hands. I look up and say either, 'Read my Journals and see how I got to this wretched state." or quote the chorus of the above song.
    how did I get to this wretched state? I dream of a large handsome lover, a harley rider with a tatoo of an unlinked puzzle with two pieces missing. I made him mad he hunted me down.
"My life is slowly falling apart like Luke Shepards tatoo." I would write in the journal.
    harley riders. I saw Mask today.
"I'll take off my mask if you take off your mask, buddy." The movie was okay. An eight on a scale of 1Ø

    what would I think of if I was dieing, bleeding to death? Those screaming anks I drew came to mind. (8106.05). I saw them in a dream floating by screaming in pain. I never did draw them quite right. A man's face, half skull, three quarters view to the flesh half, screaming in terror with the spade shaped top about it like a black hood. Maybe I'll put it on my card, if I ever get a card.
    Then I read Comic books, let them imagine for me awhile. Alpha Flight, Guardian is alive (ruins one of my main points in my Hero and the land-scape paper! Damn!) Captain America faces Armadillo, Micro-nauts (love the way Cilia was drawn) StarStuck (still confusing but interesting) Power/pack vs 'Batman' Bates, Spider-man and 'the commuter cometh', Ambush Bug (Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!) Life of Captain Marvell (eh, eh) and Doctor Strange (I'll bet this rebellion isn't over yet).
    Gymnastics and Art to be done tommorrow and more dreams tonight. Had a neat one last night but can't remember it now.

8504.14

    Saw Ladyhawk today, good movie. Not as good as I expected but good. I really haven't had many thoughts today other then panic. I have wash drawings due tomorrow. 1 landscape; I did burnetts mounds. I think its one of my best. 1 still life, I did my broken skull glass (my cracked glass and skull motiffs as one) and a brass heart puzzle with two pieces missing. I had to do it twice because I didn't like the first. The second was better but lacking something that is in the first. I don't know which to turn in.
    I almost wish this was a video tape. Sight and sound are very important to me. I wish I could show the images I like and play the songs that fill my head and effect my life, But if wishes came true they wouldn't be wishes would they?
    'There goes a supernova,
    What a push over!
    Shoting stars never stop
    Even when they reach the top
    Welcome to the Pleasure Dome
    Long way from home.'
                Frankie goes to Hollywood.

8504.15

    As you can tell its very hard for me to write without useing abstracts symbols. Symbols are my life (or abstract sentance structures). I'm going to finish this book as best as I can. I don't know how I'll handle the next one since part of it will be in France.
    Brad and I, as we were leaving noticed a new exibit in the Mulvane gallery. Photography colage's and double exposures. I really liked his work. There was one work, 'Night Watch', which really sticks in my mind. There was a face, one side darker then the other, on the darkest half the eye was matched with a clear picture of a bullet hole in glass.
    On the way home I went back to my death. I was shot, in the eye through my sun-glasses. It looked sort of like the photo I just described. Marc came quickly to me and I said, 'Jesus Christ, there is pain. I'm sorry I betrayed you.' then died. Marc thought I was either delerious or finally found religion. He stuck with the last, never knowing I was actually talking to him, in a slightly delierious state. Also had a quick snap of . dieing in France.
    To much talk of suicide today.
    Bought a new 'toy'. A tiger knife. Really nice.
---------
    Oops, thought I should mention. Today, Jason decide to dress me for the French meeting. I went preppie (Winter, Jason would want to specify that). No black, no boots, no glove, no leather coat. Argyle socks; grey jazz shoes; off white pants; blue shirt with an off white/grey knit, short sleeve, collor up, underneath; stud for my ear; and a white and tan coat. All of it my brothers. I admit, I looked good, really snazzy, but it wasn't me. I'm a little more flambouyant. And darker.

8504.16

    Strange, I think constantly and in circles and still can't think of anything to say.
    Oh, I changed the murderer to David Wells. He had a big gun.      Kaboom!

8504.17

    Looking through some old entrys. I read Marc's first (and only so far) letter and my letter back. I really miss Marc.
    Took my psychology test today.

    I think I did pretty well. Gymnastic was pretty good. Two bad things happened though. First, I got up on the high bar. 'Lets see if I can remember how to do a kip' I thought. Kip, no problem, 'Let's do a back hip circle." I thought. Back hip circle, hands slip, rest on balls, pain! grab bar in panic, start front hip circle, hang by one hand and groan, then hop down. I decided not to do anymore high bar that day. Went to floor, basically I watched. Second, I reallized I lust after the majority of that class, I even know there first names. Jeff, Todd, Jim, Brian (Cole, I think), Mike, Rick *Name*, David Friend, Kelly (Garret, I think that's how its spelled), Bob (or Robert), and two others (I don't know there names). That's when I went up and tried to help Todd get a kip. He finally did, he's a real quick study (practically photographic reflexes).
    I went to lunch, Dave Wells found me. We ate, then we went to my house to get my prisma-colors (he just came along for the hell of it). I asked him if he would actually kill a guy for being a faggot. "Only if he's touched me." I described in lose terms the 'dream' I've been (constructing) and he said,
'Oh yeah, he'd be dead.'
    (Oh, lose terms - Dave kills me.

    At party, drunk harley guy corners and kisses me, I push him away (confused), Dave and Brian witness this. I run out (confused), Harley guy leaves, I confess confusion to Dave, Dave put arm on my back with a slap 'What's to be confused about?' 'Because I wanted it to happen.' Dave lifts arm 'You're a homosexual?'. I realize what I've done, go to car, beat car, 'Don't take it out on the car faggot!' so I goad Dave into hitting me then I beat the shit out of Dave, Dave gets large gun and hunt's me down, Boom!)
    I drop him back off at the school then met Art class at the Zoo. I had alot of fun. Went into the mamal house and started drawing Black and white Colobus (monkeys). They looked so cool. One would even mimic me so I cold draw him the way I liked. Then I moved over and drew this one white handed gibbon that sucked it's thumb. Brad Passow then found me and we went to the Ape house. We started to draw Jim (the Orangatang) but then Daisy just came out and sat right infront of us. To good to pass up. We drew her, she even had this ridiculus smile on. Brad and I showed her our pictures and she got up and went to . sleep in a corner. I went back to drawing Jim a minute later since he was sound asleep like a flat rug on the floor.
    I started to try and draw an elephant but they kept moving and I started guessing so I quit. Went to the Rain-forest and drew Toco Toucan's (a really colorful bird) and tried to get a bat, but they were straight above me and I couldn't sit down. Went to this other place, basicaly a reptile house but the gibbons were there, too. Did a bad picture of some small monkeys and an unlabled lizard. Tried to do the Gibbons but they wouldn't sit still. I practiced gestural drawing. Lastly I went over and found the perfect model. The crocidile, they don't move alot. I got a pretty good picture of him then did a stupid, clutsy thing. I dropped my pencil into the exibit. I thought to reach for it, but thought it would probibly be the first time my model moved. Thought to leave it, but the Croc might eat it and get sick. I found a nice attendant who retrieved it for me. I decided it was a good time to leave then.
    Goodnight!

*Name*was edit by request.

8504.18

    Ha! Ha! Ha! Wipe Out! I Am In a fantastic mood!
Strange Days, or day. Wierd thoughts.
    School, First I woke up, very slowly, about 3Ø minutes earlyer then I usally do.
    Then School. David Schloesser (Sh-lã-sher) gave his report today on Art Deco, New York skyscrapers. He's that guy I was talking about that looks real Roman/Italian and tan. He wore shorts and short sleeves today and stood infront of me (or I should say the class). Earlier in the halls we passed each other in the halls a couple of times. Every time he would smile and wiggle (raise) his eyebrows. He was just in a good mood though, nothing like I hope for. He signes his name cool though -

Then came Sara Smith. She was so nervous but her report was good. Frank Lloyd Wright designed some beautiful houses.
    I then went to Capital City Gymnastics to lift wieghts with Dave and Chris (or rather listen to Chris's excuses and our joking pleas. Chris doesn't . like to lift). Dave and I worked mostly chest today.
    After wieghts I went over to Grandma's to help@ her get down the Lawn furniture. While I was there I helped put up Daphina's storm windows. (When I say help, I mean it. These are fisty old ladys).
    As I was leaving, with the five dollars in my pocket I couldn't give back to these old ladys, I went the long way around to see her nieghbor. He's a nice guy (I don't know his name), a real naturalist into hanging out (literally). When I pulled up he was in his garden in a small purple swimsuit. He stood up and leaned over to work in the garden (If he wears shorts this causes his balls to hang out). Patrick thinks he's trying to come on to us. I don't doubt it. Anyway's, as I came back I yelled 'Looks good!' he stood up and looked at me. 'I love your garden. It's beautiful.' And it was. Big beautiful tulips and other colorful plants. They line his walk and the front of his slightly delapedated house. 'Thanks.' he said back 'It's kind of a hobby of mine.' He started to walk towards . me and I was looking at the shadows of his crotch and tits. Thus I as I said 'It looks real nice. Your real good' I ran into a tree limb which stabed  my head then whiped across my face. 'Whoa there! Watch yourself.' I ignored the incident and went on. He mentioned my beard, he like it. 'Can you believe,' he said, 'I'm thirty years old and can't grow a beard. It just won't come in.' We talked about beards another 3 to 5 seconds. I complimented his garden again and we said goodbye. I got in my car went through my routine <and> started the car as I watched him go up his walk. I started to roll and as I went past the front of his house he stood in the doorway and took off the swimsuit - bare assed to the world. Needless to said my car stuttered past his house and I tryed not to make it look obvious.
    I went home and masterbated to his bare-assed image, that of David Schloesser and of David Berry's( James is his middle name) feet.
    Then I went to a Movie. Prime Risk. Not a bad movie, not a good movie. I sat alone in the theater for nearly 3Ø minutes.

In that time I tried to do this trick David Wells showed me. It's suposed to be physically impossible but he can do it. (a librarian told him this so he sat down to prove her wrong). The trick is to keep your arms stable, put your first (pointer) fingers together and then make circles with your wrist in two different directions. The tendancy is for the fingers to stager and chase eachother around (means your writst are going in the same directions. I still can't do it but I started to think thats the way my mind was working at grandmas. I would try to keep right and left separte and going in separte directions but my left would dominate and my right hand would follow after (rationalizing). Anyway, then a party of three came into the theater and the movie began.
    I came home and began to eat went Marc Lejune called. (Blah!) He told me he went over to this girls house (Julie Manix I think) and asked her if she heard about Montys Death. She didn't know about it, but she also thought he was talking about me. He . straightened her out but now he wants me to talk to her so she knows I'm not dead. I don't even know who she is! Needless to say I never intend to see Marc Lejune again so I'll probibly never talk to this girl either.
    So her I sit now thinking of Marc Tolbert. Wondering what Brian Cowen is up to. Writing all of this. Wanting sleep, not being able to sleep because of the heat and my energy. Wonder what Duff is doing ? Wonder what I'm doing ?
    *Sketch of skull - here's the description* would you believe there is a milk stain on the table shaped like this? Just like my skull pendant.
   *Sketch of skull pendant I made in High School Jewelry class* the parralles in life are incredibly scary.

8504.19

    Tommorrow Alison is getting Married. Tonight the wind blows wild under a dark sky. Today I had fun and finished my prisma-color (only 3 prime colors) self portrait. Four hours blending my colors. Barbara Waterman only spent . One and a half. I bought new clothes. Red, Yellow and White (thought I was going to say blue didn't you) shirts and two black pants. Instead of boots (for which there is no substitute) we got a pair fo black nylon high tops.

'I AM THE SON AND THE HEIR'
HE SPOKE TO ME NAKED AND BARE
SPEAKING OF TROUBLE AND PAIN
I FELT CLOSE, READY FOR GAIN
BUT STILL I WAS ALONE

ALONE IS HARSH, BITTER, COLD AND DARK
YET THE FRIENDSHIP SHONE BRIGHT
IT WOULD SHIELD ME FROM THE NIGHT
UNTIL THE LIGHTENING ARK
THEN I COULD SEE FLESH AND STONE

        The Bribe
        The Betrayal
TIME TICKS TEN TILL TEN
IN THE TOWER OF TWELVE TEARS
        The Crusifixtion
TIME TICKS TEN TILL TWELVE
IN THE TUNEL OF TEN TERRORS
        The torments
TIME TICKS TEN TILL TWO
        The suicide.

    (Revisions ? Work. can this be done? Does it need to be done?)

8504.2Ø

    God Allison was beautiful! They say a woman is most beautiful on her wedding day. Allison is a beautiful woman and Mike is one lucky man. I really do wish them the best.
    I went to the wedding, I went to Comics and Fantasies, I picked Jason up from work. That's all I did.
    Back up a day. I woke up late. I had an erection, basically full of urine. I started to think of all the people I would have to apoligize to if they ever found out. My gymnastics class quickly came to mind, then Marc and Brian, ect. Then I tought of Bill Resnik. The first person I ever really met at Washburn. He was in the HN English course, as an opening excerize the class teamed up and introduced themselves. I met Bill. Not much came of it, I saw him in the Crusible at Washburn, I saw him naked for five seconds while changing for his swimming class.
    I got up and guess who I should see in the paper. Bill Resnik. He has a part in 'Scabbles' at Showcase. I want to go see that. Jason said I should be able to get in since I can get in the Loft. *they were connected to each other - by the way, Watch this name.*
    The Breeze is soft tonight. It feels so good. I let it caress me through the car window on the way to the wedding. I like Mama Nature.

8504.21

    Tireing. Gymnastics - I turned a full off the vault all by myself, Mowed Grandma's yard - watched the man next door; as I left this time he 'tiddled' with himself (don't ask me why that euphomism came to mind - he touched his dick), Drew Jason's portray - not all that bad.
    Got out the year book. I found pictures of Marc (Tolbert), Brian (Cowen) and Chris (Brown). I think I may get ambisious enough to try and draw them. If you can't maim the ones you love who can you?     Goodnight.
---  Almost forgot. Woke up this morning and had a beautiful ... wish. I was thinking of Bill Resnik. I day dreamed we were in the same drama class. For the final the Teacher teamed us up in a scene of two homesexuals. Each was required to cry and there was a kiss at the end, ran the gambit of emotions. First I was scared then I expressed it in anger. The teacher wouldn't change anything told me to put my 'macho ego aside'. I just didn't want Bill involved. Two or three times I would just stop and say 'do it, he'd never know different.' In the end Bill and I argued. I told him I was gay. I thought it was a blessing in disguise. He taught me to cry, he taught me to kiss. This scene was ready for an oscar. One night he said 'We've grown really . close the past month. I have alot of feelings for you. I don't know wether it's this scene or not, but I think alot of those feelings are sexual." We made love. We both awoke feeling wrong. He realized he was straight, I realized I really was gay. We did the scene and it was real, we couldn't act. After wards we were very close friends. We wouldn't kiss anymore, but he'd touch me and call me freind.
    I really don't know Bill very well at all. But if he's anywhere close to what I think he is, you're lucky if you know him. I would like to really get to know him sometime. I'll probibly never get that chance. Life is creul that way.

8504.22

    Everytime Marc come's into my life little miricels happen. I got that 'Something loud' he's been talking about, it was a spoken letter on a cassette tape. He seems to be having a blast. A Blast but 'home sick' or maybe friend sick is a better word, Me, Brian, Teddy and Jenifer were all he could talk about. Jenifer is his new girlfreind on Waikike (sp?). She even sounds pretty.
    I listened to it between classes and all. I came home for my prisma-colors at 1Ø:ØØ because my . phyce class was canceled and I needed them for Art. Listened from then on. Listened twice in fact to take notes on questions.
    Mom came home and we went to drop by a friend of hers to see the new baby horse. 8 days old. We were going to get batterys and tapes afterwards. The baby was beautiful. As we started to leave though she said 'Oh my God, she laid down'. She (my mom's friend) was talking about another pregnant horse. I watched as a filly was born. I watched as a 15 minute old horse tired to stand and made at about 35 to 4Ø minutes old. I was amazed at how those long boney legs could support it. It was great. I hate the mother though. They were worried about her because her mother rejected her first born. They didn't want this one to do it, too. I don't like her because she kind of ignored the baby and after it was standing turned around and knocked her down with her ass. Baby was still down when we left, but I know that baby, it will get back up.
    I got batterys and tape. Recorders all ready to go. Got alot to say this time.

8504.23

    Talked to Marc Tolbert all day long. Try to send it this week.
        Missing Persons - 'Words'.
    'Can you hear me?
    Do you care?
    What are words for?
    Nobody listens anymore.'

8504.24

    5 things worth mentioning today.
1^st. My Stay in the union today was marked by two lust's and a memory. I saw Steve Johnson playing pool. He is tall and very handsome. He was wearing a tight blue T-shirt saying 'Blue Thunder, Washburn Deffense football' and faded blue jeans. (God he can fill in those jeans). Suddenly the lust was broken by sorrow as I wondered if he still thought about Monty Bretlinger. He and Greg Lynch were his best freinds. In came this other guy, I've seen him before, eagerly awaited seeing him again. He's a small scraggly guy, not impressive physycally (yet). He's a pool shark and video master, noticed his belt today said 'BRET'. Anyway, his cock is large. He lays it straight down his right leg, his pants aren't really tight and you can see the outline from across the room. Liberal estimates are at least 6 to 6½ inches long and and 6 around. (probibly no more then 1Ø x 6). Then came in Dave and Bri. Had to stop observing.
2^nd, There is this blind man at the school, he always wears denum. I passed him in the hall, I wanted to see his face . because he's goodlooking. I opened the door, knowing he was behind me I kept the door open as long as I could but kept walking. When I looked back he was kind of crunched up waiting for the door, when it did hit him he fell back and dropped his cain. I felt so bad. 'You all right'. 'Yes', he said, 'Just dropped my cain.'. He was up and out, so I left it at that.
3^rd I gave blood at school for the Blood bank. It came out of my left arm, glove on, forced that hand to work, and go numb.
4^th In art class, of which I missed the first half hour because of the long blood lines, Brad drew a protrait of me. Looked a like me too. He was very satisfied. He drew it in the union, I was thinking of big thoughts.
5^th At gymnastics tonight Paul was there. He's in my short fiction class. I've known his sister longer then I've known him and didn't even know it. He kind of reminds me of the bionic man because he has two leg braces. I feel sorry for him because when he gets older he won't be able to walk.
    Thats all. 1,2 and 3 stick out most.
Actually 2, 3 and 1 do.
    If man is a Mirror of society does that make the Mad Man a perfect picture? (Mirrors are a reversed image).

© 2000 October (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)