Book 5 November 11 1984 to April 24 1985

8503.26

    Suffice it to say there is a storm outside. It rains off and on with large, hard, cold pellets. There is occasionally lightning but no thunder. There is lots of wind, it even shattered the glass of one of Garveys doors. Really a stormy day.

8503.27

    The world is a pile of shit. Yes, I'm back on one of those moods. The more I think the worse my outlook gets. Despite this I'm still in a fairly good mood. . . . . .   . .
    Just killed a large fly . Didn't even really kill him. I hit him in the air and he fell stuned. I picked up and he buzzed in my hand through the stained, red hankerchief. Then I waded him up in a kleenix, still alive, an flushed him. Such is life, sucker.
    Before I forget, Jeff is the name of my nameless lust un gymnastics. I even saw Todd barefoot today. That boy was in very vivid dream under my controll.
    I'm going to bed before I think more. Either way I go I'm doomed.

                       DDK___
*************** / *skull emblem*

8503.28

    And the world goes on, feeling nothing, caring nothing. Wearing masks that project there voices into uncaring, catharthic, void of people. Trying to remember there lines durning there breif stint on stage. It's pathetic!
    I found out something today. It's going to help me on my 'Hero and the landscape' project. Nature is natural; citys, settlements, man in nature, the machine, its unnatural. The Hero reflects his envirnment and attitudes. The tall tale ledgends of Natural heroes like John Henery and Johnny Appleseed were good. The heroes where themselves. Then came the World Wars and the machine came out full throttle. Heroes saved people, people where citys, citys were machines. The hero of technology became un-natural. The hero himself was a man, natural. Thus he wore a mask. The more natural the hero, he wears no mask. Iron Man vs Swampthing, Captain America vs Storm, Lone Ranger vs. Tonto. Then came a snag, the super techonolgical heroes like Buck Rodgers, Flash Gordon, Adam Strange and other groups of Space Rangers. But then they weren't hero'es of the Landscape were they? Thanks Spock.

8503.29 considered

    As I lay here naked, thinking back upon the day, I find nothing spectacular. Today five hands went on display, now to be graded the structure of my life. Today is friday not the Saturday I expected to wake up to.
    With nothing better to do I'll explain something you may or may not know. I try to write here in my journal every day usally just before bed so I may reflect upon the day. My dateing system is Stardates. 85 represents the year 1985, 03 represents the month (the 3rd month of 12, May), .29 is the day of the month.
Supplimental means it is an extra writing before my usuall time or after having writen once. Considered means its after Midnight the offical time it becomes a new day. Actually after midnight, as it is now, I should date by the next day (8503.3Ø). But this is still part of this day and I'm reflecting upon .29 thus is the dating.
    Fun, huh? Goodnight.
            I know your out there somewhere.

8503.3Ø

    11:3Ø pm, Colt was raped. My car's gas tank was pryed open and boys in black with a white container were taking gas from my car. Mark, the police men across the . street, spotted them and chased them up the street. They fled south.
    9:5Ø pm. David calls and asks if I'm watching 'the Hitchhiker'. I'd seen the last 15 minutes before, I watched it all this time.  'Good, then you know how he looks' said David. 'Yeah," I said. 'Think you can draw me like that?'. David likes to call himself Damion Thorn, the name of Satan in the Omen movies. One day if David Stous isn't carefull this obsession will claime him like this devil claimed the woman in 'Hired Help'. "I don't do dogs or portrait work well, but I can try. No garentees, but I can try. You'll have to come over and pose though." he agreed.
    5:ØØ pm. Tony called, just to see what I was up to. Jason was yelling at me to take my turn at Trivial pursuit. I told Tony I'd call him tommorrow and see what he's doing. Maybe see a Movie.
    11:3Ø AM. I was at Comics and Fantasys. I bought y comic books and played hero. I noticed the lights on on a car. I reminded the driver to turn them off as he was walking away. Felt good to be Thanked. Then I caught a quick glimpse of Todd driveing past me.

8503.31

    The gym was cold today so tired bodys woke up quickly and ran helterskelter. I myself couldn't spot moving. There was a man there, his body and head often swung from side to side as if saying, no. He carried a camera. Although he's taller, thinner, blonde and different, I could tell the family resembulance between him and Chris Phillips (the Coach). Features were different but the same, voice different but similar, speech patterns and accents the same, movement the same, statue and posture the same. No mistaking the family influences and genetics. He didn't get my picture but I got his. He even lives in Lawernce, he told me without meaning. Doug, Rick or John is the empression I get for his name. Then Laura Swicker scratched me.
    I came home and David Stous posed. He put on shorts and I drew his upper body. He took off the shorts and rolled his underwear up alittle so i could draw his hip and upper leg. He put the shorts back on and I drew his legs. Then he had to go. I'll put his face on latter that being the hardest part. Sometime I'll put on those black wings, very easy.
    I didn't call the two I should have.

8504.01 April Fool's Day

    Cycles and Dilemas. It was lunch time and I was in a good mood despite having taken a fall and watching Clay bash himself against the parralle bars and having the Locker room door's handles fall and being trapped for four minutes. I walked between the union and Garvey toward my car. Dave Wells walked out putting on his glacier, reflecting, sunglasses.
    "I go to my car first , then I come back". He gave me his terminator look and followed me. "You going to catch up or stay back there?" he said nothing. I went to my car and put my things away, turned around and he was gone. I cautiously walked back through the gauntlet of parked cars and retaining walls waiting to find Dave. I found him, no surprises. "Ready to go eat?" a smile was my response. I started to walk and he stayed behind. I stopped, he walked then stopped about three yards behind me. He wouldn't come any closer. Nothing more annoying then having someone follow you. I thought 'Fuck this' and walked faster gaining more distance. I thought of being immortal. I cut into an alley and went around Fellinis pizza place, looping around catching up to were I was and going on. Dave was walking down the alley. "Hi, Dave!"

He stopped, turned around, and smiled with a slight chuckle. "Hey, Thats pretty neat. Wait up." Then he walked side by side with me.
    I came home after school and sat down to do my homework. I would start to read and the phone would ring. I'd answer it, it would be for someone else not there. Then I would go back a paragraph read up to were I was and go on. The phone rang several times and I continued to answer it, allways for someone else. The phone wouldn't let me rest. I thought about being immortal again. I got caught up in the Kansas landscape descriptions I was reading. Descriptions of its beauty before settlements. I imaged going back in time, living with the indians, watching them die, fight in the revolution, save slaves, try to stop WWI, try to kill Hitler, watch myself be born and grow. All the way up to the point where I went back in time. Then having lived for hundreds of years without ageing going on forever into the future, ever being whole.
    There was a sliver fish (a bug) on the floor. I killed with a nail. Now Doctor (my cat) is playing with the body. I'm waiting for the phone to ring so I can go back, come to where I and was maybe answer it for me. But then there is always     cycles and Dilmeas.

8504.02

    "I am human and I need Love just like everyone else does."
The Smiths "How Soon is Soon" I just heard that song on MTV. Nice sound to it, the words struck me hard. Today in my Honors class this girl brought her poetry. She is very good. I read only two of her poems carefully, she had a small stack of them. She wrote of mirrors and the way a façade meets a façade. She was sorry that a mirror couldn't reflect something truer. She had lot to say in a great way.
    I'm glad children mature. A new kid came into gymnastics today. Eric Hess. He's 12, Keith is 1Ø 'Are you 16?' 'No, I''m 18'. His face dropped. "Who's your best friend?" he asked, just trying to start conversation. "My best friend happens to be in Hawaii right now. His name's Marc Tolbert." "What's he doing there?" "It's were his family is." "How can he be your best friend?" "He's one of the best human beings I know and ... and he just is." "But he's in Hawaii!". Niether he or Kieth could understand how a best friend could be miles away.
    "Love Stinks, Yeh, Yeh." J. Geils Band
    "Still Loving You" the Scorpions
    "Into the Night" B.B. King
    The void in my mind is filled with mortality. Visions of violence and death on the Shores of Kansas. (Did you know Kansas was once an inland sea?) Bought a hardcore Gay magizen called Gym. I'll die because of those cum shots.

8504.03

    Well, it was a day. The sun came up, I went through my Wensday routine. The sun went down. I went through my Wensnight routine. Now I'm here, getting ready for bed, waiting for the sun to come up again.

8504.04

    My, It's raining out. The day started out so beautiful. The sun was out barely a cloud in the sky. The temperature started in the 5Ø°s (farenhiet) and climbed to about the 7Ø°s (farenhiet again). At about 1:3Ø I went inside to view a movie. Macabe and Mrs. Miller. When I was finished viewing the movie at about 4:ØØ I walked out to a cold grey day. The sun was bloted out until it was nearly a dark white. It looked alot like silver. The wind pierced my black form. Now I sit here writing, I'm cold and its raining and I've never known why.
    I forgot to clean my contacts. Better do that now. I have to be able to see.
    'There's a poet in me ....... And All it ever cost me was money and pain. Pain, pain, pain." Chubby Macabe.

8504.05

    I was going to write , first I was to to superficial now I'm to deep. But Then I read some of the earlyer and later entrys. I wasn't and I'm not. Then all the lights went out, it was pitch. All the memorys of Marc I wrote about before rose up. I really miss him.
    I'm going to bed now so I can sleep late (Makes alot of sence doesn't it?)

8504.06 supplimental

    Dream or Nightmare?
    Man runs through deserted biulding. He has just killed a man. The biulding is a school. He runs through many corridors then jumps over a cleaning machine and almost inperptibly *I think it is supposed to be imperceptibly* we see that he has run past a tall man in denim and a mask with two small children. The man with the mask begins to run after the shirtless runing man. Everything slows down and all we hear is the regulated breathing of the man. The children are siezed by a teacher and told to run. She starts to take them through the corridors. The Man is now aware of being followed. He's seen the glint of a knife. He begins to weave through the corridors to try and lose him. We see only . the running man and what he sees. As he runs the winding corridors he sees the children and the teacher. He begins to follow them. They run from the man with the mask. He is far behind but getting closer. The killer catches the doors the teacher opens and runs through - they all open away from him. He is almost on the teachers tail and doesn't understand why she is so terrified. Every time he looks back the larger denum coverd man with a mask steps around the corner, knife gleeming. Just barely seen, he notices the doors, locked or not, open effortlessly before he gets to them. The breathing is still steady and measured, you can no/longer tell if it is the childrens, who remain calm in the presents of there painiced Teacher, the killer who runs in his gie (martail arts pants) or the man with the mask and the knife. A set of several doors. The man knocks them open with his hands they all swing forward. After the last set of doors he can see the park outside. The Teacher is desperately trying to unlock a janitors door between the last two doors. She gets in as he hits the first set of doors, she slams it shut as he moves through and the killer then goes through . the last door to his freedom. As he goes down the stairs he looks back to see nothing but the doors swinging shut. As he crosses the barren street he hears the door open. He jumps atop the retaining wall for a small public garden, dieing and barren in the yellow autum light. He looks back to see the man with the face mask at the bottom of the stairs, just * across a street. The masked man pulls out a metal boomerang and throws it, we see it up close from a worms eye view. We see the killer begin to duck and then watch the camera go lower and lower, falling off the retaining wall and rolling over to see the boomerang slowly whip by. We see the killer stand with some dirt stuck to his sweating back with the boomerang stuck in a tree, he doesn't stop just keeps running and thinks "Doesn't anybody knock anymore" and runs down a hill. The steady breathing continues.
    Note; I just kid of 'knew' that the 'Michael' man was telekenitic and a pawn. He colected small children for a scientist (unknown reasons). He wouldn't hurt the children and collected them by friendship. He would only kill witnesses and interlopers.

I woke up trying to figure out what movie that was. I thought it was a scene by scene play back of a movie. I kept thinking Halloween but nothing like that happened in I or II. So I decided to write it down. If I were to make the movie with this scene, the killer wouldn't get away. The man with the mask would have thrown the knife, we would watch the ducking like writen but when he got up and saw the knife it would have blown out of the tree into his head and then he would roll down that hill. Incidently he just came from a gang fight were he started to leave and someone started to follow him so he offered him a drink from the water fountain, he accepted then got his face smashed into the spicket. Since he was dead, he ran then leapt the cleaning machine and then its history.
    Also that steady breathing, it was mine. When I awoke it stoped and then I couldn't move because throughout the hour or so the dream took, I didn't move.

8504.06

    Tonight the family went to eat at the Loft. Jason works there as a muffin boy, but he's never eaten there. I may never have said it anywhere, but I'm proud of Jason.

For a guy that has to put up with being in my shadow (Not to boast, but he has to put up with the people at school that have known me before 'Oh, you're the brother of that crazy fella?') he's done a good job growing up. He's even been to France and been on stage. I'm almost jealose.
    The Loft is quite an empresive place. However, they had nothing on the menu I'd eat. Mom ate shirmp with a baked potato, Jason had some kind of a small steak with a baked potato. Dad had some huge cut of some meat. It was like an inch and a half thick and covered his plate. As he cut it I could see it was soft and the juices flowed all over. For some reason he reminded me of a canibal.
    There I sat, watching. I participated in the conversation and had a muffin or two. I felt out of place and I was. We had a good time though. Mom wondered what I write here, I told her she wouldn't know until I was dead. "We can read them when your dead" asked Jason. "Consider them my extended suicide note." Mom got upset and I had to explain that we live to die thus once alive we are at a steady pace committing suicide. She didn't agree but she understood.
        -> *to indicate 'continued on next page'*

    I was watching 'Under One Roof' which used to be 'Spencer'. There was a beatiful line in it from the Mom. Spencer was trying to get his freind Baily to admit that he was driving him crazy by being that sexy voice that called out 'Spencer, I Love you.' He asked him to say it. Baily reluctantly did, just as Spencers mother walked in.
    "Oh, my God!" she yells and Baily hides in embarassment.
    "This is all my fault, I know it" she goes on. Baily speaks up to try and explain. "Oh, and you Baily?"
    "Mom" Spencer says "I'ts not what you think."
    "Oh good," she says looking at Baily, a punk ragamuffin, "I know you can do better for yourself." The audience roared. Spencer then explained they weren't gay and laided out the reason for the event. It was a funny line, Wish someone would say it for me.
    Tomorrows Easter. I can't remember if it was the day of the crusifixtion or the resurrection. I think its the resurrection.
    I fixed my coat today. Sewed the belt loop back on, fixed the botton. Leather is harder then I thought, now I can be secure.

8504.08

    Easter was relatively unimportant. I went to grandmas and ate myself sick. I also wrote and mailed a letter to Marc. Actually I dictated it to Jason who typed it on grandma's typewriter. I aquired an article on the physical torchures of being crusified, it explains in general terms what would happen in medical terms. Perhaps it will end up in my poem on Judas. I've run into a small snag on that, do I want to generate contempt for an honorable man (the direction I was taking) or honor for a contemptable man? I'm leaning to the latter.
    Today, I didn't masterbate. I went to school. I asked Dave (Wells) about his Easter. 'I don't want to talk about it.' 'He nearly got to kill someone.' Brian (Paxson) said. 'Did he have a beard?' I (Turner) asked. 'No, Why?' asked Dave. 'I was just going to say if he did you should have Crusified him.'. Dave looked at me, Brian laughed, I smiled, Dave slaped me. Not hard, kind of in a playful manner. I deserved it either way. I went to Pshysology. The DSM III says I continue to suffer from a child like state of inner active psycosis. I continueally . fantizies, knowing the difference between reallity and fantasy - I prefer fantasy. I seem to agree with Szasz on that one. I went to gymnastics, today was good. Had lunch, not bad. Then I went to Art. We all went down into the makeup rooms and sat infront of mirrorrs. "Self Portrait time. This will also force you to confront yourself. No, Bret, you can't wear sunglasses, Look at your eyes." I looked at my eyes. I looked straight on and bowed my head slightly. I drew the form of the face with the grid work. Then I started with my eyes, returned to my eyes, continued with my eyes. It takes alot to draw nothing, I focused on the wrinkels and bags and the reflections which give a distant look. The beard became harsh and I got lost in the curls. As I started I drew the curls that affected the forehead and those around my ears. As I stopped I suddenly thought it looked like Christ so I hurried to finish it. It looks like Judas now. When I got home I looked at a self portrait I did in high school, just before or during the time I met Marc. I'm not a whip anymore. I like this drawing. *The one I've put on this page.*

    Quick plot synapsis.
      I met a pair of hands and a great massage. I see the face attached weeks later after a small but obssesive search. We fall in love.
    After semester I tell Mom goodbye, don't worry and dissappear. I go to L.A. and San Fransico and become a porno-movie star with my lover. I start to direct, and write. I come up with sophisticated erotica with a video music style of direction and editing. I break out of porno and into videos and short films and Acting parts.
    By this time Marc is back and people kind of start to wonder
    "What ever happened to DDK?"
    I get jilted by my first and best lover. He just leaves me dry. I go on a cross country motorcycle ride to clear my head (I'm rich now). I end up here. Marc sees me. I try to fake him out, it works at first but he comes back.
    I haven't finished yet.
    Pretty wild though, huh?

Easters over, Monday too
Now I'm lost, what do I do?

8504.1Ø

    'Some like it hot' - Power station

8504.11

    My presentation went well. The tempartures changed drasticly throughout the day. The food didn't help much. Shoe-be-do-wap-bop-bop-bop, ba blo .   . ~  . couldn't figure out came after that, found out it was 'the boogie woogie bugel boy of company C'. Bought 3 magizens todays, they weren't worth what I paid for. Almost wish I could exchange them but once you by smut its yours. David called, wants to see a movie tommorrow. He mentioned Seka at the Cedar.
    The first side of Pat Benatar's 'Tropico' is exellent.

8504.12

    "I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does" the Smiths, 'How soon is soon.' The song ran through my head all day long. I sang it out loud, I hummed it, I whisteled it. Then I came home to Tropico. "The Diamond feild" starts and I let dirty images flow though my mind to the beat. "Terror walking on the web of light" she sings. I remember a day dream that I had.

David and I were at Brads. We were all naked. But then David and Brad started fucking each other. My shields were so good I got left out in the cold between two freinds. "We belong." comes on. I start to think back to finishing David Stous's 'portrait' today. As I was drawing his eyes, thinking of his body the thunder storm began. "Painted Dessert" begins to play, I think back to earlier when I was coming home at lunch. I thought of the magizens and a shadow fell upon me from the clouds. I checked the temperature 73° (farinhiet, 12° c celceus I think). I remembered thinking 'Kansas is the only place where the weather can change quick as my moods'.
"Temporay heroe's" came up next. The part about "misguided direction ...   looking for perection" I thought about Marc and his godly seekings. Then nightmares started to occurr. "Love in the Ice age" began and I had visions of bleeding to death in Marcs arms because half of my chest was missing from Duffs shot gun shot. They knew and I was dieing a virgin.
    The storm continues to rage despite my calm. Davids portrait is finished. I'm undressed and the Smiths are in my head again.

© 2000 September (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)