Book 5 November 11 1984 to April 24 1985

8503.15 considered

    "What ever happened to you? You used to be normal."
    "I guess I grew up." he said.
    Chris Brown (though I thought it was Grew Wolf) is back in town until Tuesday. Theres a picknic tomorrow at 2 for all members of the marrage cerimony.
    Brain came by, just to see how I was doing. He had about five minutes to talk before he went to pick up ... (now I can't remember her name) his girl freind. He was going to ask her to go steady tonight.
    5 minutes seems to be the limit lately.
    Spring break is offically started.
    I found out Dennis Maybury likes all sports and is easily embarrassed today. There were 6, 7 and 8^th graders on campus. They were obscene, rude little mother fucks. They started with whistles. They liked Dennis's ass and asked for name and phone number. They also talked about 'the man in the black rain suit'. That's me.
    Dennis wore all black today. I had on a blue shirt, black vest. David Berry's mustache was looking well, it's also black, struggling to grow.
    The wind made it impossible to draw in bush & ink but the pshyc test wasn't hard. Spring looks nice, smells better, feels good. Big day.

8503.16

    Life, at least mine, is simply a series of symbols to be interpreted.
    I went to the picnic. It's been along time since I've seen anyone. Tony (Pony-boy) is walking and running now, in generally good spirits. *He had been a motorcycle accident* Chris is getting big. His legs are like tree trunks. Danny was (I don't know if I gave him a name or not) there, he's a really skinny guy but his skin is so beautiful. He has really long hair, muscles that ripple under the skin that clings to his skeleton. His hands are strong and calused and the way they dress him is a bit of a tease. Great tits.
    Between Chris and Danny I was glad to have my sunglasses. It's hard being crooked in a straight world. To many things keep me wanting to lust that I spent a long time behind my glasses, looking like I'm looking at them but actually stareing at my feet or the relatives that kept walking by. I felt bad in a festive stiuation and a part of me was dieing.
    We decided that we were all going to go to Auburn to shoot some artillery and the smoke bomb and flare rod that Chris brought back from the army. Tony wanted to change so I drove he and Danny back to there house. We started to . talk about Murphy, there rabbit.  I asked if I could see him and they told me to go on down to the basement. I saw the empty cage and remembered the sign in the living room 'Warning - propertery protected by attack Rabbit'. I looked around the basement wating for some rabbit to jump out and put holes in my boots.
    I found him curled up in the drain, looking quite comfortable, but his nose looked dry. 'Does he generally sleep really sound?' I asked back upstairs. 'Sort of.' 'Okay, its just he's curled up in the drain. He looked kind of ...' 'In the drain?' Tony and Danny looked at each other and Tony said 'He's never been in the drain before.' We all when down and Danny knelt down and said 'Rabbit!' he poked the rabbit and looked at Tony 'He's dead, hard as a rock, too.' 'Murphy,' was Tony's only reply. Danny put him in a plastic bag and we took him to Auburn with us. Chris skinned him so they would have something to remember him by and left the rest to natures animals.
    While they skinned the dead . rabbit and I was getting sick I took my turn at the semi-automatic rifle of Chris's. For someone who likes the the G side of Frankie's album best and was called the gay ranger the last time I handled a pistol, I'm not a bad shot. *Frankie Goes to Hollywood - the flip side of the single for 'Relax' was the remake of 'War', an anti-war song. Gay Ranger was because they didn't tell me about recoil - I had a limp wrist.* I found it easyest to shoot went held out at arms distance, from the hip in rapid fire. They called me terminator because of my sunglasses and leather trench coat. As we left we shot off the over glorified roman candle ' sending the star cluster into the air with the pat of Chris's hand. 4 or 5 little red stars came floating down and Chris suddenly ran back down the hill after them. Danny said 'Fire' and he, Tony and I ran after him. I got tangeled in the sticks, there was no fire. I kept the canister.
    On the way back I made joke about killing the fags in Gage park by changing the insturctions on the flare canister and watching them run down the street screaming with smoke coming out there ass. There laughter was rich, mine hollow, thank God they couldn't see my eyes.
    Have I mentioned I don't like Lisa, and I don't know why. I wonder if its jeaulosy. If it is I have a big problem.
*Then again, maybe I'm psychic - this marriage didn't last long ... infidelity on her part ... with someone mentioned in this entry*

8503.17

    Chris Brown scares me seomtimes. I was reading his outlines for the peoples army. He is practially, no, the way its written      he is running a pari-military opperation. He found he could buy a valley in the Dominican Republic and set up the schools. He could train mercinarys. The philoshys of the origanization are great. Teach disipline, inner calm, respect for people, art, nature and any god you choose. The military and martial arts training is set up in levels of readyness. If he and his 'comanders' could keep there sights clear and the organization clean it could work but then you have alot of highly trained men with no purpose. Men skilled at fighting that are sworn to peace - fight only if fought. I don't know. If any one can pull it off its Chris. If anyone could raise a force to be feared and controll it, its Chris.
    If someone could become obsessed with the military part and become a killer, its Chris. Something eats at me when I say that.
    I don't know where I am. I'm sorry.    Goodnight.

8503.18

    "You turned my son into a faggot!" Bullshit! It's that attitude that will condem that boy to a life of withdrawn seclution. Cagney and Lacey, they investigated a missing persons. They found him a little late. He's been in jail, Captian of the Football team, and been raped by three men. I can only guess at a fraction of what he truely felt. I know what it feels like to be taken advantaage of, and what its like to feeel violated. My memorys rape me everyday. All I can say to a true rape victim is, I hope what happened to you never happens to me yet, I hope you are strong enough to reach out, and overcome the trama (not the memory) and lead a normal life. If you can overcome this you can overcome anything. Try to avoid assholes like that father though. One encounter doesn't make a life. Life is what you feel not what is forced upon you. If a lesbian is raped by a man is she a hetro-sexual? No, with an attitude like that why not wipe out the homo-sexual comunity.
    I have some other things I could mention, but I won't. Instead I'll go to bed. I have a day ahead of me tomorrow. They keep comeing, I can't stop them. First was the day followed by a day every time after. So like always, I have a day ahead of me.

8503.19

    Its the last day of winter, and good riddance, and there is a storm in the sky. I feel so tired and there is this unheard noise in my head. Muscles twitch and ache and my mind bends and contorts. So much to be done, so little time. Dorthy I don't think we're in OZ anymore.

8503.2Ø

    It all seems so usless. Uncle Max and I dug and dug and all we ever hit was concrete. We would pull and dig and lever and curse at the ground. We had three shovels, a pick-axe and a crowbar and all we did was put a dent in the earth.
    Uncle Max isn't really my my uncle, he's my great uncle. He is my Grandmother's brother, my Great grandmother's son. He's kind of stout and has had several heart opperations. What I really like about him is that he really looks young - all wrinkels stem from his eyes. Mostly from when he squints for a better view at a problem and from where his hand lay as he leans in thinking about problems. Uncle Max can fix anything. He used to dig the holes for telephone poles so fence posts weren't that hard, but doctors said he should . rest so I did most of the heavy digging.
    We dug from 1Ø:3Ø AM until 3:ØØ pM and only made a dent in the world. I realized dirt is actually very finely rotted trees and stuff.
    Someone came to my door today and asked for Matt. 'Wrong house.' I said. I watched as the finely tuned body walked next door. Blonde hair in the wind, strong hands in cameo pants, nice ass swinging to his manly gait. He was lost and was trying to make his dent in the world. I wasn't helping.
    Went to gymnastics. Kieth was unusually disgussting today. 1Ø years old. Close your mouth and blow some air in it so you have big cheeks. Know what that is? Polish sperm bank. 1Ø years old. His hands were particularly cold, I know this only because he touched me quite often. By guilt I try to touch him as little as possible. He was bragging about how he broke up with his girl friend and she was begging him to come back. He said he loved it when they begged. The more I think about him and the way he acts I think he'll grow up to put in a destructive dent.
    I got a rail road spike. Got it from David tonight. I told him he was an Angel because my contacts where dirty and I saw a halo around his . head. He didn't like that. I told him about a bumper sticker I say and liked. I started to read it and didn't like. 'God's last name is' read the first line. Shoot, I thought (A little stronger) another religious sticker. Then I read the last line ' Not Damnit'. I smiled and read it again 'God's last name is not Damnit.' I laughed. God is a nice guy and Jesus made a pit in the world.
    I came home and started to think about Marc. How unfair to him I've been. I'm having this kind of day dream presently were he walks in on me and another man. He beats the shit out of me and we never talk again. Later in life we met but he attacks me with a sword and I deffend myself. Expecting may be half my problem. I expect Marc to be upset and try to kill me. I've set him up as Christ to my Judas. I expect that his knowing will kill him spiritually and me physically then he will resurect. Marc is really a nice guy, half the things I expect him to do he might not. The again, one of the flys of Satan's doubts just bit my brow. Marc hasn't put a dent in the world, he doesn't need to. He's whole and he's proud. He's left his Mark, and its all he needs.

8503.21

    I slept late this morning and enjoyed the feeling my dreams gave me. I woke at ten after ten with an erection and the feeling of being caressed. I rolled over and enjoyed the feeling of my skin. I went to the bathroom still dreaming, not quite fully awake. I masterbated. Then I dressed; shirt, pants, boots, glove. And I drew. My drawing assignement was five pictures of my hand, my left hand.
    First a conture or gestureal drawing. I held Adam in my hand. *a glazed ceramic skull - the first I ever made* After fiften minutes he grew heavy. Then I put down the information - 8503.21 pen point (the time it took) " BLACK" DDK .
    Second was a structural drawing. Lot of lose lines to define shape and mass. I put my finger tips on the table and raised my hand up, I placed a key over the hole in my glove were the the velcro strap comes over. - 8503.21 ball point (time it took) "HOPE" Drawing 2 DDK .
    Third was a planeular drawing. to determine the shape by shades, each shade a plane. I held a knife handle, the blade running the length of my wrist and forearm. - 8503.21 ballpoint (time it took) "COWARDICE" Drawing 3 DDK  .
    The fourth one was hard. It took me three times to get it right. It was an expressionistic drawing of the subject. I took a dog tag chain and . tied my gloved fist. The first one was very good. It was almost done when I ran my hand across it and the ink smeared. The second one started to cause problems because I had to load the pen with one hand and I couldn't clean it from last time. I wasn't even halve done when I dropped the pen and splattered ink on the bottom. There was no way to cover it. I untied my fist because it was throbbing. I cleaned my pen, got some food then started over. I chained up my left gloved fist, loaded the pen and started. It wasn't perfect but it was finished and there were no smears. -8503.21 pen point (time it took) "FRIENDSHIP" Drawing 4 DDK .
    For number five I took off my glove. This was to be an unrestricted drawing with a time of 15 - 3Ø minutes. I wanted this one to be good. Like number four it let me down a little. My hand was clean and bear, in it I placed a dollar bill, folded, and on that a railroad spike. My hand was open and I began to draw. After about twelve minutes my hand began to shake. I tried hard to show the contrast of flesh, paper and iron in my limited time. It didn't seem to look like my hand. - 8503. 21 ball point 27 min "APOLOGY" Drawing 5 DDK  .

    It was 3:ØØ now, I started at 11:ØØ. Those mistakes cause me dearly. I only now remembered that I didn't go lift wieghts. I started to clean up and put away. I found a slip of paper dated 8503.15, it said -~
    "I put it behind the map so that when you take the structure of the world down you have wisdom"
    It referred to the day I came into class (Understanding short fiction) and saw a map of Europe up over the board. There was chalk in the tray so behind the map I wrote "TO MUCH SANITY MY BE MADNESS YET THE MADEST OF ALL IS TO SEE LIFE AS IT IS AND NOT AS IT SHOULD BE    - MAN OF LA MANCHA - " I smiled at the memory because no one took down the map. I folded the paper and put it away.
    So little time left and so much to do.
    Selection of detail folks. I didn't tell you everything about my day, only what was allegoryicly and symbolicly important. It's still a very acturate picture, actually a portrait. Portraits are done by selection of detail, just ask James Joyce.

        Goodnight.

8503.22

    Videodrome, terminally wierd. Very ingrossing and somewhat thought provoking. Scanners was better.
    "The TV is the retina of the public .. .. The minds eye is television .... Television becomes raw expererience ... Experience is reality ... After all what is more real then our perceptions ... Television is reality ... Reality is less then Television ... Death to Videodrome, long live the new flesh!"
    We mentioned this in Philsophy. What is real? What we actually are aware of is mental reality which is translated from a set of electrical impulses caused by light bounceing off an object. If you want to be simpler, all we see has the same quallity of a dream hallusination. Want to be more opptomistic, all we see is light, never the object. What is real? Who is to say that our perceptions can't change what is real.
    Old reoccurring thought; Every-thing is realitive but consistant thus there is continuity. Explanation; The real world is a consistant stumuli. However 1 stimuli is translate different for each person thus reality is realitive. Each is taught that this stuimuli is consistant. Break down. 1 stumuli, 2 persons, 2 different but . consistant translations of stimuli. Person's are taught stimuli 1 equals concept 1 thus there is consistancy in reality. Break down example. Stimuli 1, any one stimulas. Person A receives stimuli 1 and perseves the color green. Person B receives stumuli 1 and perseves the color blue. Stimuli 1 consistantly causes Person A to percieve green and Person B to percieve blue. Both Person's A and B are taught that stumuli 1 is the concept of Red. Thus every time stimuli 1 is encountered or reproduced Person A percieves green but says Red and Person B percieves blue but also says Red. Thus stimuli 1 is always Red (consistantly) then how does it matter what realitive changes it goes through if result is still consistantly the same?
    I have lots of thoughts like these. Very abstract, sometimes very stupid and irrelavant.
    Funny thought, if Epicurus was right in guessing the nature of reality then videodrome is a farce. But if Descarte was right then characters like the Molecule man can't exist. "Go away and think" wrote the man with the pencil. "Goodnight" he wrote.

8503.24

    I got in at a quarter of three this morning. Yesterday I went and played Top Secrete with Brian Paxon, David Wells and Rick (I don't know his last name. I met him before, he played Nuclear Man when we got together for Champions). We started around 1Øish and stoped a drug ring trafficing a synthetic pick powder. We, or I should say Dave and Rick, blew up the island that was the key traffic point. I happened to be on the mainland at the time avoiding the police because of a murder in a public place. I had certain charts of dates and arrivals and found out that the DEA murders were commited by our contact in the Department. In the Hotel lobby he held a gun to my back. I yelled 'Rape'. He put the gun away and told me it was his word against mine and he was a hero in these parts. No-one came anyway. As we started to leave once again the gun came back. I reached back and touched his balls. 'Oh, I am going to have some fun with you.' he said. I grabed his balls and squeezed with my 87 strenght. He doubbled over in pain and brought my elbow up into his . face (not leting go of his balls). He fell on the floor immoble and I stomped on his throat. About a hundred witnesses and police. I got in my rental car, parked in a mall changed the license plate with another car and stole a third and went to Hardee's for breakfast.
    At about that time an island was in flames and Rick lay dieing on the beach with Dave sitting over him saying 'I told you so.' (he rushed a chemical plant and it went boom.).
    Then I found out I have school on Monday. I thought I had another week. My beard isn't doing so well. I'll give it another two weeks. Before I give up on it. After all it took me nearly a year to grow a desent mustache.
    I've got to go to sleep. I haven't had much lately.
    They even put a taco in me. I was fun for a while.

8503.25

    Amazing Grace. Have you ever been disgusted when you found out how your prioritys truely rank. I couldn't figure out why my left eye wouldn't see for shit today. The contact lens just wouldn't clear up. I couldn't see past my . hand all day except from my right eye, but the imbalance was annoying the hell out of me. I could hardly think of much else.
    At gymnastics I did better then normal, and worse then normal. Physically, the gymnastic part of the class went really well. Then I also had to deal with extra temptations. I didn't do well there. Rick *Name* forgot his gym clothes. He borowed some shorts and sweats, then took his shirt off. Rick works parralle bars, rings and pomel horse most. His torso and arms are huge, well diffined and beautiful. To top that he has well used, strong hands and good looking feet. Then there was Todd. I don't know his last name. He is a perfect physical specimen and a likeable guy. He has a look that blends together well. I got to spot him, touch him and talk to him for a minute. Oh, how I wish, but that is just wishing. Then there was the other guy. I don't even know his name. He's also a very good gymnast and I believe he's one of the Washburn yell leaders. He wore a really tight pair of shorts today. I could see his balls and the head of his dick. He is nothing like Todd but I would have to . describe them similarly. And through out the rest of the class were spread those spring break sun tans.
    I waited around to help put up the mats and to let people clear out the lockerroom, then I left in a hurry. I went to lunch with Dave Wells. I hid behind my sunglasses as usuall and ate with my glove one. I had no problem here.
    Back to Art Class, I had forgotten everything. Later I had to rush home and bring my portfoilo back. In class though it started with Ken. Short sleeves, sweat bottoms and spring break tan. I started in his tan, worked down his arms and got caught up in his hands. Blonde hair, viens, muscles, calusus. So many little cracks and creavasus. I could tell where his hands would be smooth and rough and I began to imagine what it would feel like to be touched by those hands and fondled by those hands. Then we began to draw and I had to concentrate on the art.
    My first picture was terrible and I tried to get it off the waterblock. It began to tear. "Trouble in paradise." I said . and Waterman came over. Used my work as a demonstration. As she walked to the middle of the class I sniffled, looked at my hand, grabbed Dennis's black stained paper napkin and sat on the floor to stop my bloody nose. But as I sat there on the floor listening to the deminstration all I could do was stare at the diffinision of Dennis's balls in his pants. For some reason Dennis looked a lot better today, more muscular and manly. Made me want to stare that much more and feel that much more ashamed about doing it. By the time I got up Dennis was nearly finished with his brush and ink wash drawing.
    On the way home I saw David and said hello. He got in my car and said, lets go to your house. I brought him home took off my shirt and feel asleep on the living room floor. Later, I took him home.
    I'm sorry Rick, Todd, Ken, Dave, Dennis, David, ect as the list goes on. I apologize only because I know you're straight and I'm not. It's the only reason I apologize. Sorry I thought of you in a gay fantasy.

*Name* was edit by request.

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