Book 5 November 11 1984 to April 24 1985
| 8502.16 | 8502.1 |
8502.18 | 8502.19 | 8502.21 | 8502.22 | <8502.22s> |
| 8502.23 | 8502.24 | 8502.25 | 8502.26s | 8502.26 | 8502.27 | 8502.28 |
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The Breakfast Club. Damn good.
As I was leaving wrapped in thought, a girl stopped me and said hello.
I said hello back and she asked me how I was doing. I didn't know this girl. I said I was
fine.
"You don't remember me do you?"
she said "I'm Karen (I think thats what she said, she spoke so quitely) from the
party." "Oh, yes" I said lieing. I didn't remember
who she was until I was half way home.
"This is Travis" she said. He was standing to the side of me
I didn't ever really realize he was there. I said hi and he held out his hand. We shook
and he complimented my coat (he was also wearing a similar leather (black) trench coat
with a few peace *peace sign* bottons on it) I thanked him
and we started to talk. Well, now I knew Travis better then I knew Karen so I faced him
alittle more then I did Karen even though I was talking to her more at the time. He
reminds me of someone I just can't place. He looked good and his hands were so soft. I
didn't say anything like I usally do, but he smelled good. A kind of mixture between the
leather and his after shave or what ever (which I think was Chaz because he smelled a
little like Chris and that's what he used). Thankgod, I had my black glove on!
Soon people where comeing in and we where right in the door isle. I move out of the way
on the other side of a small wall so people could pass. Karen came around all so. I turned
my back on Travis. Obviously they were on a date and here I was stareing at Travis off and
on (though I did keep my eye above his waste - I did look at his shoes once.) I made it a
point to look at Karen and only Travis when he spoke. I hope niether thought I was rude.
Karen said they were going to sit down and I told them I'd better get
going myself, said good bye and good movie. (incase I didn't explain, they were coming in
to see the movie as I was leaving). On my way home, thinking of Travis and the
conversation which started with 'where's Jason?' suddenly Karens face poped into my mind
and it hit me where I saw her. It's a wonder, too. When Jason introduced her she was
nearly a siloute for four-fifths of the 6Ø seconds top that I saw her. It was as Lessiely
and Jason were getting in the car late at night (around 12:ØØ) from the Cast party of
Wittness of the Prosecution. Now I knew her, of course it didn't matter now, I wasn't
talking to her anymore. She is a real nice girl though, very sweet. Travis is nice guy,
too. They make a nice team. I wonder how it stands. I'll always wonder though, . won't I? Just on trivial things. Oh, well.
- suppliment
Her name was Karen, Jason confirmed it. He told me the reason he introduced us was because she had known me for a long time because she was in Mrs. Brockmans class everytime I was in there to put up the Morning Graffiti.
Small world of circles enclosing upon itself, rippling outward to infintiy. Can't break free, don't even try, there is no divinity. Chaos is the order of the multiverse.
-again
Life is full of Riddles, and figureing them out isn't the hard part
.... its living with the answers.
Drawing, frustrating. The ink refused
to come out lightly and if it did it scratched across creating a broken instead of soild
line.
Then Brad called. I hadn't heard from Brad since I was up at his house.
We had a great time. we had a great talk while he was here today too. we only had a little
less then an hour but we talked about everything. Mostly 'Lord of the Rings' came up. we
went to Brunetts mound and looked over the landscape.
It was beautiful out even if the sky was grey. Brad would
stand there talking to me with the entire city sprawled out behind him. The wind was
bitter but the conversation warm. The snow was melting and mud splattered all over my car.
I came home after dropping Brad off, and masterbated to his images. The Fantasy was rich.
I stared at my car from the window. Mud stained the red paint. It
wasn't clean. But I noticed that the mud was thicker on the drivers side. You could hardly
see out the left widnow. The passenger side, the side Brad was on, thr right side, was
cleaner; only a few specks of mud graced the window. I remembered
how hard the windshield wipers tried to wipe away the mud that blotted out my vision. Then
I made a promise to myself. One I've made before, one I'll make again. Don't get me wrong,
its a sincere promise .... as sincere as it is short lived.
All I ask for is a pair of strong arms. Not physically strong, but
strong arms. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know where it happened but Jason and I grew up. I used to
think we were going to be the next Cain and Able, but now we get along great. I have
nothing but good wishes for Jason, but then again he no longer anoyes the hell out of me.
Just an observation.
I want to write Marc. I want to see Brian again. I'd like to have a
hug.
Hello, I'm a professional dreamer and part-time realist. That's right,
all I do is sitt around all day and dream of fantastic things. I can put myself in an
adventure, past, prensent, or future; Science fiction, fatasy or just fiction. I'll be a hero or a villian and even just myself. I can dream scary
things (generally called a Nightmare) happy things, sad things, or indefferent things. I
can dream of sexual fantasys, the thrill of rafting or just a stroll though the park. I
can dream of drama, comedy, or music and musicals. If you want to experience a life you
haven't lived, listen to a proffesional dreamer.
Somethings dieing. I'll have to find it then try and save it because I think it's something important. Hope I can find it before its to late.
~Do you believe in heaven above
Do you believe in Love
Don't tell me lies
Don't be false or untrue
It all comes back to you
Open fire, on my burning heart
I've never been lucky in love
My deffences are down
A kiss or a frown
I can't survive on my own
If a girl walks in
And puts her name on my heart
I'll turn and run away
Every day, we've been led astray
It's hard to be lucky in love
It gets in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do
Don't know what to do
Your looking for love
Calling heaven above
Send me an Angel
Send me an Angel
Right Now
Right Now
Empty dreams can only dissapoint
In a room behind your smile
Don't give up, No don't give up
You can be lucky in Love
Send me an Angel ....
This time I'm waiting to win ~~
In the Video Beauty is lost in the forest and when the Beast finds her he is killed by an
archer and Beauty leaves on his white horse led by the Archer.
The stars move tonight.
Yesterday the sky was grey and the air cold. My thoughts were, as
outlined before, the same, oppisite and ironic.
My thoughts were of Logan. At first this was grand but the train of
thought changed and grew dark. What kind of man thinks of his son this way?
My son being thrown back threw time using my body as a focal point he
is flung from my body. He lies maked upon the floor. He has a tall slender but well
deffined muscular body. Sweet glistens off is skin. He has no
body hair except around is penis. The hair on his head is pitch black and long, just
resting on his shoulders. He has a mustache, also pitch black, that is grown long down the
sides of his mouth. His eyes are strange, what is normally white in our eyes is black,
black as his pupils. The only other color is the blood red circle of his iris. He has
large, long agle fingered hands consisting only of thumb and two fingers. You could tell
they where strong and calloused yet also gentle and kind (he had five toes). His skin is a
kind of olive-brown, not really dark, much like that of an indian. His penis and scrotum
where a couple of hues darker, they where the color of cinnimin and surrounded by more jet
black hair. The penis and scrotum seemed bloted. His balls nearly the size of my fist and
his penis with a 1½' diameter and presently hanging as low as his scrotum. His nipples
were also large, nearly a 2' diameter and nears as dark as ebony.
Now that I think about it, the hands, eyes and tits where my little fettishes add to a body very much a cross between Chris Brown and Marc Tolbert. (Duff Taylor comes very close to haveing the tits).
Today Dave Wells and Brian Paxon came over to help me figure out how
to use the computer. They're crazy. Kind of loud and dangerous but really nice guys.
Militant about there hate of homesexuals. Anybody they don't like is a faggot. If you say
something 'questionable' they'll make a large joke of it, call you a faggot and pretend to
blow your lead off with a shot gun (or larger gun but never antyhing smaller then a 2.5Ø
auto mag (Clint Eastwood strikes again)).
I need to sleep now. It's late.
Thank God tomorrows Friday.
Breakfast Club, Will you call my name,
Simple Minds La La Laaa - La La ect.
"Well, then they can just kiss my natural Japanese ass."
That line has been running through my head ever since Dennis said it this afternoon. He,
Brad Passow (I believe that's his last name) and I seem to just have formed together as a
'conversation' group in art class. Really nice guys. I seem to be attracting wild and
crazy's lately. Lots of fun, but still not anyone I could really talk to like Marc or
Chris. David Stous is a good freind, I've known him longer then anyone, but it's hard to
be serious and open with him. The reason is because he's ( and this is the right word for
what I mean but not a good word to describe David) so shallow. David isn't shallow he's
very complex in the fact that his problems run very deep and tie together his personality
of several other shallow people (does that make any sence?)
I went and saw 'Turk 182' with David today. Reasonable movie. Brian
Paxson called and wants me to 'screw around' with him tomorrow. Tomorrow Mom also wants *me* to
go and Apply at Annies restoranet since she has heard there is an opening. I need the
money so I will. I need my sleep also, so I'm going to quit.
Goodnight. (by the way, I'm in a great mood!)
8502.22 supplimentary *from a separate sheet of paper insert in the Journal*
I sit here in the classroom, lights out, glove on, thinking of my
doomed heroes. Dracula had a large impact on my life, best seen in my black trench coat,
collars up. Frankenstiens solitude I can identify with, feeling alone, different, out of
controll.
I always identify with the monsters, espeacily those with a human soul.
I guess things are alittle predestined. I identified with the monsters even before I
became a monster. A Dracula to deffend and diffine myself, a Wolf-Man in the transitions
between two distinct selves, a Frankenstien always. Adam (the name of the Frankenstien's
Monster generally called Frankenstien) was allways so kind and gentel, all he wanted was
to belong. But he had no garden of Eden to grow in, only the terrors of the town and the
thorns in the forest. Dracula was a noble man, he was cursed into being a monster, same
with the Wolf-Man. Niether of these three wished to be monsters, nobody does, but at least
these three made the best of there lives with the curse. Frankenstien died trying to be at
peace, Dracula simply went on with his life, and the Wolf-man desperately tryed to change
and keep the others safe. I've been trying to do all three.
8502.23 concidered
It's really fun being able to maintain a front.
I played Top Secrete tonight with Dave Wells and Brian Paxson. These
two are so anti-faggot its riddiculous. They would never be able to recognize a homosexual
because they call every one a 'faggot'.
Funny, in the game I had my ride*?right?*
side shot to hell and back. It was really very nice of Dave to pull me out (his man was
Clown).
I need sleep, Gymnastics and a paper to write tommorrow. It 2:ØØ am.
I let a good one slip at the game. ''It's
late, do you want to play another game or go to bed." they called me fag and I said
'call it a night' would be a better term. Needless to say, I'm home, but because it was
late, Goodnight.
Everything nessesary caught up. All my home work is done. I still
want, no need to write Marc. I have a great opening line - Look out the window and
realize, where ever you are, someone is thinking of you - thinking in Love.
I watched Finnigan Begin again. Robert Preston is one of my favorites.
There was a scene that brought water to my eyes, though I couldn't
. cry. His wife was in the hospital with a stroke and finally he began to
cry. It almost sounded fake, but something under neath made it real and I wanted to cry
with him.Tthen under those labored sobs he said 'Sometimes it all just turns to Shit!' and
the water rose higher then it ever had but couldn't come out my eyes. I need to trim my
toenails and fingernails. I must be some un-emotional bastard of a nail pairing ....
...... Judas.
David Stous may figure out my third name. I told him the tail of the
fourth nail. Then I told him I was looking for a rail road spike to put my money under (in
my alter).
FORTY PIECES OF GOLD PAID
TO A BLOODY MAN BEGINING TO WAIL
THEN HE GAVE TO A GYPSES AID
TO STEAL THE FORTH NAIL
How did Judas kill himself? I'll have to look it up.
TIME TICKS TEN TILL TEN
IN THE TOWER OF TWELVES TEARS
Contempt for an honorable man.
Could be a poem of his suicide.
- There was a man named Mike Finnagin,
He grew whiskers on his Chinagin,
He shaved them off, but they grew in again
- begin again -
Every day it seems is a rush of pain. Hurry to read, fall out of
your chair. Hurry to draw, bang your head. Hurry home, fall out the car. I'm in a hurry to
escape. Wonder what will be hurt.
It's only Monday! God forbid I finish out this week! Haste makes waste,
ha! Haste gets you wasted - *Dead smiley face x eyes and tounge out*
Marc, I miss you. I was talking of Karate today and I began to remember how you used to kick the shit out of me and say "Keep
your arms up, Don't chicken wing, Don't telegraph, Move just a little faster." Hell,
Marc, I could do most of that. It was the only way you'd touch me.
I need arms, I need eyes. Strong arms to hold me and deep eyes to
look into. Arms that could hold, and eyes that I could tell, my deepest secretes too.
I want to die if I can't have these things. But I don't want to die
without having experienced them. Somewhere the Demon Paradox is laughing. I won't be
laughed at! Not by Paradox or that Jester Life. The only one that smiles at me is a women
with a purple mohawk. But she can't seduce me properly. Wonder why. David Wells voice
rattles through my head and inevitably the word 'faggot' comes up, followed by the words
of violence.
8502.26 supplimental
I'll not imatate Marc's writing.
Well, Damon, I'm sitting (was sitting) on the balcony / of room 508 in the Guam Horizon
Apartment / building. As you can see, it began to rain so I / have to write this inside.
The rain doesn't / bother me, but its hard to write on soggy / paper.
Pomape (pohnpei)<- new spelling! was something else. Nothing I can
say could describe it, but I'll try any way ... (I'm back outside now. Rain is short out
here. Oops! spoke too soon!)
Ponape was like nothing I had ever experinced befor: No kidding. The
land was incredible, beautiful, dangerous, all those in one. The poeple were fairly
friendly, except for a few. White people had a curious habit of dying after one-o-clock in
the morning, if you take my meaning. As a matter of fact, nothing dangerous was ever seen
during the day. The human scum, centipedes, boonie-dogs, etc ... only come out after dark.
The centipedes out here are something else! About eight inches long, black, spiney and
poisonous as hell! Definately something to avoid. Oh yeah, they have stingers on both
ends. Nasty! I when skin diving for the first time on Ponape on my first Saturday. I have
been skin diving before, but never anywhere like Ponape! Amazing! It's a whole knew world
down there. Damon, I've decided when we get out of college, you and I are coming down here
for awhile. I'm sure you'll have no objections! / (skip 2½ lines / opposite
side of page)
So, if we can work it out, we'll visit Micronesia before we set off to conquor the big,
bad world. The boonie-dogs out here are strange, too. They're just dogs who live in the
"Boon-docks", but they are by far smarter then any domestic dog. Just like
coyotes, travel in packs, scurge-of-the-forest type. Probably rip you to shreds if you
screw with it ... I stay away from them. As a matter of fact, most do. It's the most
intelligent move.
A few days after skin-diving I went with some "sturdy"
friends and climbed Sokhes (So-key) Mountain. That was extremly steep! The pictures
I took don't do it justice. Anyway, we all made it to the top, and down. No casualties ...
After that Eric and I went water skiing in the ocean. Just my luck that
when my turn came it started raining! Also, that day was around sixty degrees. So,
here I was zooming along the ocean behind a friends fishing boat in 60° weather with the
rain / needles pelting me and the salt water stinging my eyes ... that was one of the best
times I've had out here! (no, really!)! I can hear you laughing!
A few days later, I climbed Sokhes again, this time insearch of
Japanese anti-aircraft artillery. We found four guns that day. (oh yeah) and some-one put
a hell-as haus dent in my machete. I filed it out - no porblem, the cat has his claw!
After
(skip 1½ lines / next page)
that came Saturday and another skin-dive. I was looking for Sharks both times, but I
never saw any. Sooner or later I'm a gonna see one a them! Maybe I'll ge at-tacked and get
a scar to brag about! Probably wishful thinking !! (joke, Damon!) After that, a few days
of excitement, then I was on Guam, which is where I am right now. I'll be living here for
a few months, not Ponape. Dad got another job, se we mov-ed. No problem. As soon as I have
a real address, you'll get it - promise.
So far, nothing much has happened in Guam, but I gotta amit - this
place has everything. And if it doesn't have it, it can get it! Fast!
I'm probably going to take Japanese and Marine Biology courses at
University of Guam for a semester, but I'm not sure. I am going to take scuba lessons,
though. No one can stop me! Of course, no one wants to stop me, either!
Well, my hand hurts, so - So long for now!
Oh, by the way;
Hi, Mom!
Hi, Dad!
Hi, Jake!
Hi, --- oh, I guess he died!
Nevermind
Take care!
Cat *paw print*
--------------------------------------------------------------------
end of page
Dear, Marc 8502.26
Funny thing happened on the way to College. I heard on the radio
about a spring celebration sale, I figured weather would start to become warmer. To my
surprise When I leave for school it's snowing! Big, wet, cold, White, flakes of snow just
about two days at 5Ø° (fer) that melted most of our 2Ø inches (total) we got most of
the winter. I got this picture of You on Hawaii under a nice warm sun (Yes, Hawaii. I
snuck up on Eric a week or so ago and he told me how you were on Ponape, then Guam and
when he got back, you were on Hawaii and your Dad was in the states for awhile abot
Trent?) anyway on Hawaii laughing at us poor cold souls. I said well I'll just have to
write Marc, when I find some time, and see if he is laughing. (Eric had informed me of
that lost letter, I gave him a mild tounge lashing).
I go to school in all the damn snow, park in a snow drift and go to
class. "HN 102 HAS BEEN CANCELED. BIBS ARE DUE TUES. MARCH 5". Thats right,
cancelled. "Well, now I have time to write Marc." I thought. As I was leaving,
guess who I ran into. I'll give you a hint, he gave me a lost letter. I told Eric that I
would be over later to mail a letter to You.
Sounds like you are having a good time. Wish I was there (and your
right, no objections to going down later. My dad has been saying he'd take us down
sometime, but you know my dad). Funny though, you can still read me like a book. Your
story about the water skiing trip, laughter rattled in my bain and a smile to my face,
then you wrote "I can hear you laughing!" and I was, loudly. I thank you for
that too, because I haven't been laughing much, it felt good.
By the way if you haven't all ready, take the classes, I think you'll
like them alot. And since dad will never get around to teaching me scuba, you can (or I'll
just teach myself by leaping head first into the snow with and oxygen tank). If you do see
a shark, observe with reason, don't lose anything you'll want to use later in life. I've
seen some film a friend shot while being acttacked by a shark, it wasn't Jaws but it
wasn't Charlie either!
*Charlie is the Tuna from Star-Kist tuna advertising, "Sorry,
Charlie." The shark film is still one of my favorite memories. One of my Dad's scuba
diving friends actually had a film of sharks circling him and some others getting fed.
Then one shark swims directly at him. You then see the shark getting hit by the camera
until he drops the camera - you can see both of them swimming off in different
directions.*
Well, you know Topeka, and you know me. Nothing has happened around
here at all. Senior men's is comeing up here sometime in March. I'm going to see if I can
make it again. This time I should have my car.
Other then that only School and gymnastics has been happening. I'll have to wrap up
here in another 2Ø minutes or so, so I can go and lift with David Byrd (If I'm lucky you
won't be able to recognize me when you come back).
By the way, while I'm thinking of it, what does ... ...
Hi, Poop!
Hi, -- oh, I guess he died -!
Nevermind
Mean? Say Hi to your Mom and Dad for me and say Hi to Robin and tell her I still smell
like leather anyway. Did you like your Christmas present?
Well, its snowed about a screwing inch while I've been writing. It's
not sticking to the streets, but it is to the ground. Well, I need to get ready to go.
When I go to Eriks I'll see if I can look at the pictures you meantioned.
Where ever you are, look out the window and realize someone, someplace,
is thinking of you.
Take care,
Sincerly
Damon
_ D'artagnon
/ Killgrave *Skull emblem*
P.S. thanks for calling me Damon.
P.P.S. - Funny, Just writing you made the Clouds go away. No more snow and the . temperature is rising. Oh, David and Chris say hi from CCG.
------------------------------------------------------------
end of letter
Small white lie, I haven't seen either Chris or David yet. They weren't there today.
I found out Rick Donnovan (the Gay porno star with a huge cock) has messurements of 10½ inches with a diameter of nearly 6 inches. Out of curiosity I found out mine was 5 inches with a diameter of nearly 5. Well I was close one way.
If my life were a movie it would be X-rated and about 2Ø minutes long. The actor would come out, undress for the audience and masterbate as images of men flash up in the corner of the screen (my mind). I would orgasim, the corner would go black. I'd say sorry then die.
I mailed the letter, talked to Erik for awhile. I made some stupid
mistakes in the letter. First, he is on Hawaii but I told him to take the classes on Guam
(well, maybe he'll find the same classes on Hawaii) and the island was Truck not . Trent or Trench. If I understood correct they
should stay on Hawaii while Jim (Marc's Dad) works for the Truckese government in finaces
or something. However, if it doesn't work out they'll come back sell the house and move
someplace else (Erik said they would lean to Idaho)
All I can do is think back to Robert Preston's line in 'Finnagan Begin
again.'
Keith Lewis. A spunky 1Ø yr old who is a damn good gymnist. He seems to think of me as his. Kelli likes to talk to me alot also. Sometimes I get caught in the verbal tug of war. Kieth likes to tell me things though. For a 1Ø yr old he knows alot of things I just learned. He told me he went up to Bernetts mound the other day with his girl friend and smoked. He said he doesn't inhale and he can stop anytime. I told him he should, It just occured to me he could be lieing to get my attention but for some reason I don't think so. The kid only asks for troble. One of these days he'll find it.
Goodnight.
Ivan Johnson <-(THORN) wrote me from Germany! I promptly wrote back. I woud write down the letter & response but I
sent the response and don't remember it much.
Weather was great, I was Hyper!
I said I never would again, but its been so long, and it was someone
I liked, so I did. I'm not ashamed. Well, yes I am a little or I wouldn't be writing about
it, but it wasn't like the others.
I bought a magizine, one with 'dirty' pictures in it, pictures of men.
This isn't the first time, it my not be the last; But it was different. Two models have
shown up before in the magizines, two I particularly like. Shawn McIvan and Rick Donnovan.
Shawn is simply gorgeous with a michievious look. Rick is good looking, his claim to fame
is 1ؽ inches long and 6' round. But his face gives the impresion of someone 'slow' but
intelligent and warm. I bought the magizine (Inches) for him. I was glad to see I was
right.
He used what he had to make money. Now he's going to retire and go to
college on what he earned. He's going to study international bussiness (he earned as much
as $15ØØ a day in porn).
I wasn't shaking when I bough this one. I was a little nervous but I
didn't think I'd die.
I did other stuff today I was proud of too. Helped Grandma, lifted
wieghts, Finished up homework, soved the CCG logo problem, had a good time! GN.
© 2000 September (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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