Book 5 November 11 1984 to April 24 1985

8502.04

    Waterman wants me to write down that when my india *ink* froze (since I left it in my car) that I put it in the micro wave for about 1Ø seconds on high. Worked really well, too.
    Today my father, indirectly of course, sparked a truely fasinating idea. He came home not feeling to well, he went directly to bed. However, Jason, Jodi, and I carried on as usuall. The nieghbors three blocks away could probibly hear us, My Dad never . twitched or winked, he sleept through the whole thing, unaware it ever even happened.
    I began to think, my dad could sleep through a bombing. Through a nuclear bombing. I could see him dieing in his sleep and getting lost in the flood of people in the tunnle of light. Then I thought what if, because he was asleep, he surivived the nuclear bombing - Then I dropped dad and moved on to the great ideas.
    Today in phyce of adjustment we talked about dreams and skimmed of Jung's collective unconscious. then I struck on 'Dream-Kings', natures safty stop incase of any kind of total obliteration. Then I began to play around with the ideas of tampering with this stop.
    Making the person aware of it, Then suddenly having conscious controll of it, planting the new born with total knowledge consciously. Having a nuclear war, using the 'Dream-King' as intended to create a new world. Held as a god because he created the world. to set a firm dream hold allowing the 'Dream - King' to awaken (if only for short periods of time). I'm going to have fun with this idea. A lot of un.

    Goodnight.

8502.04 considered

    rise in comic lit. of Natural forces as sources of power, elemental sources.
    In one way or another in every group there is at least one link to nature.
    Thor, Storm, Wolverine, Colossus (Metal), Snowbird, Sasquatse *Sasquatch*, Shamon, ect (Alpha Flight), Changeling, Hawkman, ect. . . .
        Characters in own right as lit allegory
        Swamp-thing / Man-Thing
        Elementals
        Ororo, Wolverine
        Alpha Flight
. . . Human torch, New Mutants, Beast, angel, Blok, Dawnstar,

Swampthing vs. Floresent man    & Nukeface
Ororo's transformations
Natural Heros vs. Cyborgs and working w/ cyborgs

    mutant vs aliens (not bad for writing in the dark).

*This is obviously the ground work for college paper I did (and still have) about the evolution of Nature (and our attitudes toward it) in comic books. I showed that Characters become allegories of our feelings and that comic books (because they are published monthly to the mass culture) rapidly show swings in our attitudes about nature.
Btw' this was for a class about attitudes about nature and technology in Literature and Art (I combine them both). Is it viewed as a threat, something to conquer, mingle with, submit to, etc. and why.*

8502.05 supplimental

    They say that a man is never more himself then when he is alone. Yet, man is a sociall creature and in the long run avoids solitude. Strange things can happen when you're alone. You do things you normally don't do and remember the strangest things and then ....
    It's Tuesday. I normally sleep a little later and spend my mornings alone because . everyones at school or work and my only class beginns at 11:ØØam. Today the instructer is out of town and is not haveing class today. However he suggested that we start the research on our papers.
    I had different plans. I thought to use the first part of the day to do research (most of which I worked out last night in a dream as you can see on the other page), then to go to the Ceader Cinima (an X rated film therater). I wasn't even going to call Chris and Dave *Gymnastics coaches* to tell them I wouldn't be there. I haven't even really, started the day and I've changed my plans.
    I got into the shower with a hard on that wouldn't go away. My dreams were particularly riskay that night so I figured better to masterbate now then ejoculate in the theater. The water began to turn cold after awhile and I turned off the shower content to finish in the luke warm water of the tub.
    I tired something alittle different. Not new, just different then usuall. I started to play with my asshole. Soon I had penatration and I was finger fucking myself. Since my right hand was occupied I began to resume masterbating  left handedly. This mixture was new, and felt very good. But then I saw my thumb down under . my balls. I wiggled it alittle and remembered the wierdest thing.
    Flashback - 9^th grade, freshman year at Topeka West. I didn't like it. people picked on me and I was a whimp and a wallflower. This is obviously the year before I met Marc. I remembered how I never *wore* a coat at school because I figured it was a hassell. I was only out a couple of seconds anyway since I ran between class (for exersize and to avoid people). Never failed though, when it snowed Mister Spiere always locked his door so after lunch I would have to stand there in the freezing cold without a coat and eventually the other kids came and bugged me about it. Espeacily Dooley (I don't know his first name). He was a little different though, I know now that he was in his own way trying to help. He knew everybody thought I was crazy and that I was a really shy kind of guy. But he didn't know that I haveing homesexual feelings (no one did) which made this torture.
    He would stand there with the crowd of people waiting to get into class with Jeff (his best freind) at his side. I'm trying to avoid staring at both. Then Dooley would start in how he came from an asylum, and he escaped alot but they allways caught him because it hard to run with his thumb up his ass. This of course either made you . laugh or sick at your stomache. Generally boys laughed and girls got sick. I was indefferent in that respect, I just stood and shivered, I didn't want to talk. But Dooley would keep at it, have me repeat the blanks in his story "Why couldn't I get away?" "Because your thumb was in your ass" "Yeah and its hard to run that way." This was torture because heres a gy I know is striaght and he's teaseing unknowingly at my gay feelings. His ploy of course was to become the center of attention to save me from other widely varied assaults, and to draw me out into the open more. It worked to. I realized just now that there was the message of common sence in the story which did get me to don a coat at lunch when it was cold. I remember though how I dreaded seeing Dooley coming and still liked him. I also remember Jeff would aways let it go on for awhile then try to stop him seeing how I disliked, which only made me think of Jeff as hero, and dooley as some kind of god (in a very lose sence mind you). Then I remembered Dooley was gone for about a week and I asked Jeff where he was. "He moved." "Moved where?" Jeff smiled and said "Well, you see he had his thumb up his ass." we laughed and he told me his v^dad was transfered to Miami.
    Then I felt an acidic feeling on my fingers my stomache convulsed . the water splashed and I came.
    I with drew my finger and my ass felt like it locked up for good. I got out dried off, drained the tub and all. Then I looked at myself in the mirror, all steamed up like it was, I was really fuzzy. Then I felt weak and kind of hugged myself. Then I think I almost cried.
    I say I think because I didn't feel overwhelmingly sad or anything but my knees got a little weak and I blinked several times and bit my lip like people do when they're on the verge of crying. Then it was gone.
    I'm going to research and lift today, no movies. First off because that was one of the best orgazims I've ever had, and second because I don't feel like it anymore.
    Funny, just about a month after that stuff with Dooley started I met the Emporer, and I was scared shitlless when he sent that call slip into Spieres class and Dooley handed it to me. It really is funny how coincidences work out. One might almost think Dooley was the one that set it all up.

*By the way, I only assumed Dooley was straight - I didn't know it. I'm sure everyone in school assumed I was straight, but I wasn't. For all I know, this could have been in the closet high school flirting.*

8502.06

    I've been reading some of the things that Marc left behind from his Creative Writing class. He was very good. The more I think, the more depressed I get. Oh, well.

8502.07 supplimentary

    I can't remember it all now.
I asked my dreams for something on my conscious.
    There was some before
    I Remember Rick *Name* in a car pulling over to get *?me?* and pulling out his cock and saying ''want to suck it?" it was sarcastic and a joke from before. I got in the car and he drove, cock still out. A police line was coming up. Nervous cops were pointing guns at cars then letting them pass. I pulled up Ricks pants. They let us through but I got out.
    I started going through this dig out ditch with a limp berlap fence on the other side, going through was rough sliding against earth and pushing against the fence for room.
    Brian was with me, he was my conscious. Some where I lost Lindsay Buckingham in blue as my conscious. Then Lindsay showed up in bright yellow and orange. ''Here's he is." I said to Brian, ''Then whose he" said Bri, pointing to the Blue Lindsay. "He must be your conscious and This ones mine." pointing to Yellow ''Swift thinking Sherlock." said Brian.
    After having gone miles against this Burlap fence 'Where are we going' came up.

  I pointed just in fromt of us and said 'That's where we started' As it looked though the trail looped -> *Very strange diagram, basically an S turn* Then further ahead to , 'That's where, have to go, to there.' pointing behind us to a large carved mountain mansion. There was a dinasaur ''That will infere," I said. Everybody paniced and yelled run.
*another strange diagram labled fence mount in the margin. -> /) then ->_) *
    I was pushed over the fence and pushed the fence further down an ran on top of it. I had to be carful though, I was barefoot and there were tacks in the burlap. Everybody was cheering me on like at a race.
    I could see the door a man and a woman stood there. The man was like a game show announcer. He was giving a play by play on my progress. I reached the door and grabed his foot. He fell out and tumbled down he said ''He made it folkes and he's won't a lot he'll be invited back 1 , 2 , 3 times again."
    I was hanging from the door and I was reaching for the Woman then it was like two large hands slaped each side of my face and I was awake with numb hand prints on my checks. I remembered once Marc woke me from a nap that way once.

    This was preseeded by a dream that I could put my dick in my mouth. It was so real. I was doing tests in my dream to be sure I was awake. I . thought I was awake but then I really woke up.
    Went to sleep and had this dream. very strange.

*And damn near unreadable. Sorry I couldn't make better sense of this. I may very well still have been asleep when I wrote it and I obviously never proof-read it when I was awake.*
*Name was edit by request*

8502.07

    I keep having these vilent visions of Duff comeing after me with a shot gun.
    Ever wish you had a geniee? Or just 3 wishes? But the wishes that you want aren't anything fantastic?
    If I had three wishes my first would be to recieve a long thoughtful hug from someone who cares. You know the kind, the hug that makes you feel secure and loved and feels so strong.
    My second wish would be to give that kind of a hug. Just so know I made someone feel good if only for a while.
    My last wish would be that the geniee go and make someone who is unhappy a little more happy.
    Nothing really magnificent about these wishes, but they are magical, and spectacular.
    I feel so alone right now. I could really use a hug. Is there a geniee in the house?
    I keep thinking of that dream. It makes me mad. I feel as though if I'd touched that woman something would have happened but something external woke (& stop) me.

8502.08

    A hierarcy of story is developing. With one rude line in mind.
    Marc returns and there is a large party at someones house. I go to the back with this *guy*and am lead into a strange conversation which leads to and ends with him kissing me. Marc and Brian then come in looking for more pop. The guy runs out leaving me alone to face anger. Marc and Brian leave and I follow after trying to explain. Marc won't listen and Brian agrees. Marc hits me, nothing I could do to stop him. It hurt. It begins to rain. I go home, Dad over hears me talking to mom about the eveining. I grab my journal and leave. I go to Duffs having no where else to go because I can't stay at Davids. Duff reads the journal and trys to shoot me. I leave the Journal behind and sit in the rain. Chris Grey-Wolf finds me and takes me out of the rain, I didn't, I couldn't tell him. I didn't want him to hate me. While I'm asleep Marc comes over to talk to Chris about the evening. Chris didn't care, he_is in the army and engaged and doesn't have to see me again. Marc can't get over the fact I'm gay. I hear the last part of the conversation. I walk out ot leave and Marc is shocked. I tell him I'm   leaving the state and he has nothing more to worry about. He . doesn't want me to leave.
    "You can't leave with this memory."
    "Don't worry." I said, "You have the memories you won't remember."
    Then I left, packed some bags, retrived my journals and left.

    Its hard to live with doubble faces and not actually tell a lie. It's hard for me to talk to David Well's and not lie. He likes faggot jokes. Some of them are really funny, but I have to play on and react like a normal guy.

    For God sakes, I'm 18 and never felt the touch of someone I want to love for the rest of my life. A loving touch. I've had the touch of freinds and the touch of realitives but they aren't the same.
    I could die right here and right now from a heart attack or freak accident and it wouldn't matter. I've lead a good life and I regret nothing except that I haven't felt that touch. I don't want to have sex, I want to make Love.
    I don't really exist yet, thats why I don't mind dieing. Life's the scary part anyway.

    I thought myself into a ditch again. Tomorrow I will be better. Goodnight.

8502.09

    Another non-existant day, just a meaningless dream lost in the Lands of Oblivion.

8502.1Ø

    I watched Fame tonight, the original motion picture. I can truely identify with Montgomery.
    "I'm really quite well adjusted. I mean, Never having been happy and being unhappy are two different things. ... Aren't they?"
    I wish I could write that whole monologue down here. It really is beautiful, and so true. He's better adjusted then I am though. He can talk about it, he can admit it , I can't.
    Today David Stous took me to an X rated film. I drove and he paid because he wanted to go. Then he sat someplace else so the 3 other people in the theater wouldn't think he was gay.
    What was really funny is when we left he said,
    "I wish life was really that way." This from a guy who caught Gonerill fucking an ugly girl in a broom closet of the Schools auditorum.
    I finally shaved, after about 2 weeks. My face looks a lot better. I'm worried about tommorrow thought. Its the first time I haven't done my home-work. Hope I can add-lib well.

8502.11

    I met Terry Davis today. He was here to speak about his books 'Vision Quest' and 'Mysterious ways'. I've read 'Mysterious ways', I don't know if I ever made any references to it before off hand, but I enjoyed it alot. Just like he said tonight, it is a book to be read by one person at a time. Just you and the book. Alot of it hits home so hard its frightening. He's really a nice guy I think I'd like to have him as a teacher.
    Mom bought the book 'Vision Quest' at the speaking (is that used right?) and I'm going to read it as soon as I can, perferably before the movie.

    Gosh, my eyes have been bothering me all night and here I sat writing with my dirty contact lenses in.

    The only thing I didn't like about Terry Davis is that when I said I enjoyed his book he looked at me and said ''Oh, you read it?'' Now I know I don't look like an honor student, or even all that intellegent, but I did read, and I feel understand his book. He shouldn't have sounded shocked.

    Dominator, sorry, Dad just walked in my room in his underwear like he owned it, looked at me strange and said 'Want me to turn your light . out?' Can you picture this? Here I am fully clothed and awake writing and asks me if I want him to turn the light out.
    Not only does this show how he treats me like a child but shows me he a) has no respect for my privacy because he 1) didn't knock 2) acted like he owns this place (techniquly he does but my room is mine) and b) he's losing his senile mind!
    Frankly he was lucky. I'm usally naked when I write in here (in more then one respect - Which now may make you think I'm shallow - I don't care) and he (conservitive Christain boy that he is) would have had a heart attack or stroke. God rest his soul.
    Back to what else I was going to say. I allso had to play lab rat today. I didn't like it. To many questions I didn't like, understand and want to answer or all of the above (does that make sence?)

    I'm a little out of it today. It was your typical Comic Monday morning plus it was cold, then the sun came out and I was in a great mood, then I had to play lab rat which brought me down a little, Jason actually has lines (for a freshman thats great) his good mood lifted mine. It was a better evening then morning, probly not tomorrow.

8502.12

    Three things.
    I had a dream. All I can remember of it is a lot of Muscle men and a shakey house. I remember kneling down on the steps going downstairs, in my black sweats. Arnold Swartzenager then came in and said everything was all right (to someone else) and that he was going to bed (He was wearing a maronee *maroon* sweat bottom with a drawstring). I pat the top of his bare boot and said okay, then went downstairs. He followed me down. I was leaning over getting magizines off the coffee table between the recliner and the couch. He stepped up behind me grabbed me by the waist and I stood up and we fell back onto the couch. I was laying on top of him, leaning a little to his left to become craddled in that large arm. I quickly felt an erection pressing against my leg from Arnold. He said something like if I didn't want to we wouldn't. But I slowly woke up and for a long time could feel craddled in the huge muscular arms, warm and tender, just laying there, lost in his arms. As the feeling faded I wanted the dream to come back but it wouldn't.

    That imaginary band called Hero. They put out a new album . called 'Everyday life Heroes'
side 1    Teacher, you taught me
            A Friend in need
            When you came into my life (lover)
            A Mothers Love
            Daddy, oh, Daddy
side 2    Jamie's TV hero
            Craddeled in the Long arm of the Law
            He said No (to the pusher)
            A Sholder to cry on
            Comic Book Fantasy

    I was thinking of heroes today. I noticed most of the people I chose as heroes were destine to failure (with a few exceptions as in Abraham Linclon) Evil Knevil, Dracula, Frankenstien, The Werewolf, Steve Austin the Six Million dollar man, Spock and Kirk, then I may have hit it right when I chose Marc Tolbert.
            'I can fly like an eagle
            And you're the wind beneath
            My wings'          from a song.

    Thanks for being a hero, Marc.

8502.13

    The sky is falling in, work, read, die. If I look to the light much longer I'll go blind!

8502.14 Valentines day

    Late, short, many thing.
Reminder, talk later Marc & Erik.
Day of Lost Love.
    Something I wrote earlier;

    Judas  is a Hero?
Can you feel contempt for an honorable man?
Can you feel contempt for a man because he's honorable?
    Judas was a Hero
    TIME TICKS TEN TILL TEN
    IN THE TOWER OF TWELVE TEARS
    ONE STAINED WITH BLOOD
Later queried - Can you feel an honorable contempt toward someone?
        Goodnight, [Maybe]

8502.15

    Writting by candle light, my room back to its eriee right, my soul still in its black blight.
    Fire and brimestone is the smell, sulfer more comon. My hands smell of smoke, as it should be. Coated in black, smelling of ash, and living in burning pain.
    I saw Erik Tolbert the other day. I was wearing a sign 'Free Valentines day hugs' , no one came. But Erik Talked to me. He told me of Marc Moving about, homeless with a home. Makeing a pilgimage spreading himself about like a prophet. He'll be changed when he comes back, either hostile or . loveing, rowdy or temperate. I hope the laters.
    Red wax drips down the wall and the silky grey smoke curls upward. It smells good in here.
    I visited Duff the other day Duff, a strong knight with calloused hands, gentle and sturdy. It had been so long, he was all I remembered and more. Yes, still large and strong. But his visage more relaxed and fair. Life seemed to be treating him well. Then he said "Year 2ØØØ" still a paitent traveller, an honored man diligently waiting for me to betray him. For once in foolish uncontrolled emotion I said "I'll show you Galifrey." and he smiled to a black and dark man.
    Where is Thesues? I can't find him. I haven't see Bian for quite a long time. I'll have to try and see him. I can't let his memory die into the wells of black and white. But then again, out of mind, away from temptation.
    Gary Noland spoke to me this evening. He rushes along trying to be a man. House, job, car soon, marry in the year. ''I've know her two months." Doomed, I thought, to relive the mistakes of others. But then what relations do I have? Not one, two months or less.
- WAR, what is it, GOOD FOR, absolutely, NOTHING! huh, say it again - the song keeps running through my head, all else dies under white snow.

© 2000 April (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)