Book 5 November 11 1984 to April 24 1985

8412.17

Just got back from gymnastics. I'm pretty tired and I was hungry. Tommorrow I start studying for my final final (pardon the pun) Philosophy. I don't anticapate trobble but a good review couldn't hurt me.
    Crocus - 'Our love will never die' has been going through my head. I nned to go to sleep. I have a long weekend comeing up. I'll write more.

8412.18

    Last final tommorrow.
    Philosophy rules as long as man wonders 'why' or 'why me'.
    Kant is good, but his Catagorical Imperitive rules out truth bending and lieing. We need that.
    Sartre sucks.

8412.19 supplimentary

    Good God! Send me to Heaven!

    I've just seen two of the most beautiful peices of flesh I have ever seen.
    Vanity 'Pretty Mess', a video on B.E.T. (channel 29). A black skined woman in a flowery dress and a fuzzy, bloned haired man both sculpted better then Michelangelos works.
    To bad I'll never met them.

8412.19

    My stories sent me through an emotional ringer today.
    Right after I saw those two very beautiful people. I had a story. One thats never happened before.
    I live experiences before they happen. I get an idea and let it run free in my head. I don't controll it but I feel it.
    I have an image of the perfect woman. I named her and married. we had children. that woman is the video reminded me greatly of her.
    Today that man walked in to my stories. Raven fell for him and we got divorsed. My heart hurt alot, then I became angery and fought that man. I named him Bruce Jóvan. I called him Brutus). I won but realized Raven was happy with him. Iwished them luck then went home to very empty house.
    Then I took my final today.
Philosophy. Not to bad. I was very nervous for awhile though.
    Then I went to Burnets mound and looked over the city. Became very alone, and went home.
    I wrote part of Marc's letter. I call it the parrible of a mountain and a day. I want to refine it some more.
    Went shopping. Tried to controll the drool over all the men I saw. (Hunks).
    Goodnight.

8412.2Ø supplimentary

    He always did prove wiser. He wanted me to read that for a reason.
    -- Marc J. Tolbert
                    Poetry
              Hour five. ----
    Actually its quite good and I scorn Mrs. Post for her ignorance on the subject she teaches. To try and capitalize i in the poems shows vast stupidity.
    Listen to his letter
--- Mrs. Post,

    About this bussiness of stating the theme of our poem below it; the way I feel is that poetry shouldn't be a give-away. That is to say, if the reader is interested enough, he or she can figure the theme out for themselves. Besides, once I show my poetry to some-one else, it becomes theirs. It is up to them to interprut it, not me ...
I just write it!                 ------
    I wish I could copy his hand writing as well. But I can't. The poetry that follows is very good. I'm going to write some of it down and write them into my essay to him.
    He made only one mistake. It was strange running across it. This is public work but he's talking directly to me. It's why he wanted me to read it.
        listen.

-- Free verse         
Diffrent length   
AND ARRANGEMENTS --

To a boy who wears one black glove
which he feel symbolizes a deep truth -
To him I give my experience; shroud -
hidden in steely silk, far from sight
yet only from the blind ...
Martyre - like does he suffer, so
sure his cause is just. suffered
much has he at the hands of
the Dominator!
Yet, the Dominator's power is limited
only by his subjects attitude ...
Revenge. Hatred and Silence are
his hidden allies. Surely Nomad
can she that his Dictator is as
trapped by ignorace as he;
or can the blind see this?
Ansewer : he should not have to
see to guide himself, the blind
never do, yet arrive they can.
My experience was gained, earned,
Through hours of torment, pain,
self - pity, and sacrafice. Do not
take lightly this gift given in
love.
If you do, you will serve only as
your own executioner.
Nomad, yours is not the only plight,
nor by far, the worst. Count your-
self amoung the fortunate, for you
you have an outside Dominator. The Cat
has only his own soul to fight -
so each victory is a hidden Defeat ...
Nomad, no reply is necessary, nor does
the Cat desire one. Acknowledge this
experience - gift in you heart, not
through a note to a feline ...         ---------

So close and so wrong.
    My father is not the problem. He never touches me, so he can't hurt me. My problem isn't outside of me it is within.
    Into the essay --

8412.2Ø

    Strange and New. David had an arguement with his parents. He's going to be here any minute to stay the night.
    Talk to you tommorrow.

8412.21

    Oh God! I hate it when he makes me do that!
    I shouldn't say make, it was my decision, but damn if it doesn't feel like make.
    David stayed here last night. He's been having problems at home with his father. He said he's been acting like a jerk and that he's warned his father to lighten-up. Well, Davids dad blew his last chance.
    David was here about a quarter to eleven. I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said in the morning. This morning we didn't talk much.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    God that felt better.
    I was getting ready to say that his mother called here this . morning.
    My <Dad> started to answer the phone and David yelled out "I'm not here!" My dad did the best thing he's ever done he replied "I'm not here either, then."
    I had to asnwer the phone. His mother was very upset. "Is David there, or have you heard from him."
    I looked into Davids eyes and he liped 'I'm not here.' I looked to my Dad and he did nothing. One rock and two hard places.
    "No he's not here." outright lie. Damn!
    "He called here last night though."
-- Do you know where he was calling from? --
    "No, I don't." the honest truth, but David was standing right there. I could tell, his mother was the verge of tears and trying to be strong. There was a barage of questions following which I answered honestly. I didn't know Brad's number without looking it up, I didn't know J.K.'s number at all.
    My gut was wrenching like it does when I get nervous or out right lie. usally they go hand-in-hand. What I'm worried about now is how my Dad must see the situation.
    I hung up.
    "It was your mother, David. She's very upset. Call her back."
    "I will, sooner or later." he said . and turned his back and walked down stairs.
    I walked past my Dad saying
    "I wish it would be sooner!"
I got downstairs and he was combing his hair.
    "I hate fielding calls like that, David. They make me sick."
    "I know." he replied.
    He didn't say sorry or thank you. He told me his father was acting like a jerk and he knew his mother was upset. She was blocking the front door with Kevin (his brother) in tears. Then he told me how daring he was a s he bolted for the back door and left. It pissed me off.
    He promised to call his mother from school. If he doesn't I'll kill him. He left for school, I started to write. Then I stopped, and called his mother back.
    I apoligized fro lieing right off. then told her he stayed here the night and he was safe. that he seemed more angry then upset and that he did promise to call from school. I'm glad I called her. She was aftraid he'd slept outside or was hitch-hiking to Hiawatha. She said thank you, good-bye and started to cry as she hung up the phone.

    David should be shot for what he's doing to his mother. I should be shot for not saying 'Yes, he's here. David talk to your mother."
    I'm going to shower and dress now. Continue to write Marcs letter and include some of this. Wait for Davids call. He promised to call and tell me why I lied.

8412.22 considered

    David refues to talk. Marc is leaving.
    Tomorrow at 1Ø:ØØ Marc leaves for Ponapay. He says that he'll be there about a month then the family moves to Gwam. When he's there he'll write me with his adress.
    By the way he was packing I could tell it hasn't sunk in that he's leaving. He seems to have the same problem I have, I can't handel goodbyes. That's why I write long-distance goodbye letters. I'll wirte in here the letter I wrote him, later. Its quite long. I don't even know how to say goodbye there.
    My problem is I think goodbye is forever. It's a feeling I can't overcome. Maybe its why I don't like goodbye. I had a story last night that after Raven left me (Raven my dream wife) that I told Duff the Galifrey meaning (the entire parable of my life) then died of cancer. Just like that. Some goodbye, huh?

    Now that school is out I'm losing track of what day it is and time has no meaning really. I totally forgot to go to Comics and fantasys.
    Damn. Marc is leaving. He's going to be gone along time and my last memories of him are going to be of avoiding him. As he was packing he took his shirt off. Out of the three hours I talked with him, 2 where spent trying desperately to look at something else. The questions we were asking each other from this sheet were almost comic.
    I need to sleep. It's 12:3Øam. I'll finish writing about this later. Lots of Christmas things going on now that Aunt Nancy is here.

8412.23

TIME TICKS TEN TILL TEN
IN THE TOWER OF TWELVE TEARS
JUDAS JUST JUGELS
SIMPLY SECURE IN SILENT SECRETS
SEDUCED BY SEX, SELF, AND SACRIFICE
A COWARD CONFINED BY A KISS

    These lines just came to me. for a long time I've <been> trying to find something for 'time ticks ten till ten'. These might be it. The alliteration is broken in some of the lines (Good? Bad?) I may rearrange a few of them. Like . 'In the tower of twelve tears' may become 'the twelve tear towers'. I stress that may. This saves alliteration but losses meaning. Some of <it> will have to change. It's to be read with comtempt stressed by hard alliteration. It's on its way. I'll spent time with it.
    Maybe

Time Ticks Ten till Ten
IN the Tower of Twelve tears
Cowards CONFINED BY KISSES
SIMPLY SECURE IN SILENT SECRETES
SEDUCED BY SEX, SELF, AND SACRIFICE

I think thats better. The plural alliteration leads into the S alliteration. Perhaps I need to lead into C's or maybe there solitary existance is enough?
    To many thoughts!
      Betrayal, traitor, Happiness, lust, greed, solitude. There is no end.
    It's cold. I'm huddled around a heat Pad. I'm waiting for my electric blanket.
    Time ticks ten. To sleep I go.

8412.26

    It's been awhile. First Christmas Eve, then Christmas, then the day after christmas. It's late and I have to get up early tomorrow. I promised Dad I'd go to breakfast with him and grandma. I'm thrilled to have to do it. I was my . chose, but he always asks and I always turn him down. I figure if I go now maybe he'll lay off for about a month.
    I need to sit down and write you about the note I gave Marc, a Dream I had about Duff dropping by and some other things that have happened.
    Goodnight.

8412.28

    I'm waling, alone, down the street. I'm wearing black, only one glove and despite the unusually warm teperature, my leather coat. I'm on the way to my car so my keys are in my hand, protruding from my fingers like claws. Suddenly I hear,
    "Hey, good lookin'." and there is a quick pat on my ass.
    I whirl around siezing a good looking young man by the throat and holding him against the wall.
    "Don't you ever do that again! Judas kills those he touches, betrays them with a kiss. So don't touch me!"
    I release him, turn, and walk away leaving him stunned, sliding to the ground, contorted like a pieta'. *Look it up, it's good for you*

    A scene which has been . going through my head.
    A dream, several days back.
    I'm walking through a crowd. I have several suitcases.
    Suddenly I'm sitting on a white bed in a white room unpacking. Several plaid pieces of clothes are laying on the bed and I lay out my prono' magizens.
    Suddenly a handsom youngman walks into the room like he owns it and starts talking. I do nothing to hide the magizens. He tells me about how he bumbed into someone in the crowds and he owes them a favor.
    He turns and sees the magizens. And begins to shout 'I'm gonna tell!' then recognizes me and realizes I'm the one he owes a favor.
    Marc walks into the room and I yell 'No!' and quickly cover the magizens with a bright florecent orange sweat shirt. Marc sits down on the bed and actually puts his foot on the shirt and magizens and talks about the work ahead. Marc leaves. I look and the blonde young man and he says 'I'm gonna tell!' then runs out of the room.
    I chase after him into the crowds. We're all here as stage-hands for a massive play and I . <chase> this man all over the campus, theater, stage, and catwalks. Me yelling 'No!' his yelling 'I'm gonna tell!'
*I wonder if I had met Shawn yet ~ His favorite color is Orange, and he had a florescent orange sweat shirt. If I hadn't, this is very strange.*
        Dream I had last night.
    Martha Quinn *one of the original MTV VJ's* was a college proffesser who had her own seperate office for love affairs.
    Gary Noland (The Nomad of No-land) was a lifegaurd at a small campus swimming pool in the boiler room.
    I sat in the pool and looked at dirty pictures and this fat woman sat next to me trying to explain the symbolizm behind the gay porno' movies.
    'Ya' see', she said, 'He ate the other man (gave him a blow job) not because he was another man but because he wanted too. Understand?'
    Of course I didn't but I nodded.
    'Going home I walked with the fat lady and we got lost in the glass building as we climbed staris. We saw Martha Quinn hudled in a dark corner with razors and bleeding wrists. We asked if she was okay, she nodded her tearful eyes and said she'd be allright in a minute.
    Then the strange silver balls started to land. George Peppard of the A-Team shot them and they all turned into one big . fat man. Then Face flew by on a helicopter backpak the fat man bled away into a million muddy gay men who ran into a mud puddle and started to wrestle and fuck. Try as I might though I couldn't see any genitals. I knew they were fucking but I couldn't see it.
    In the meantime men were stripping in the locker room saying 'Well, were all boys.' and Gary was swearing he'd kill every last one of those space faggots. And three classes walked out on a crying Martha Quinn.
    As I watched a woman dive into the pool and the two fags fucking with rubber dicks I awoke.
    The other day I went to eat breakfast with Grandmother. The food was terrible. I came home and went back to bed. I got up later and took a hot bath. I masterbated in it. I got up, got alittle dizzy. I dried off and felt sick. I sat down on the toilet. I felt like I would throw-up. I hate that feeling because I feel helpless. When I vomit the first thing I do is yell for my mother.
    Suddenly I gagged and twisted . around to the sink. My stomache convulsed and I swallowed hard. I didn't vomit but I came very close twice. I just hung on the sink twisted about like a pietea' scene. I didn't call for my mother, but I came close.
    Soon I picked up my naked body and released the sink. I dried off and got dressed.

            Marc's letter latter.

        Hurt has a hold on me,
        Betrayed by a Kiss
   Sealed with a hammer.

8412.29 considered
    Nothing really happened today.
That's the story of my life.

8501.01

    So much for foresight. If I'd writen the last few days I could have started the new year in a new section. To fill you in.
    The new year came, with it came 6 inches of snow when two days ago it was 7غ out. My life is ruined. I hate, I repeat, I fucking god damn hate snow, espeacilally great amounts of it. And 6 inches after sweater weather is way to much. Enough of the white death.

The first day it started to fall (New Year's eve) I walked to brookwood for graph paper. On my way back Jim Bush, a very nice guy and one of the singers of Vagabond Zoot (a local band most of which I know) picked me up and gave me a ride. Jim is great looking and I was amazed and turned on by the fact the cold didn't bother him. He was wearing a short sleeve shirt with top-siders and no socks in 1 inch of snow 2Ø° weather with an -18º windchill. I could see his bare ankels.
    He's straight as far as I know so I don't get to dream on him. He invited me to a new year's eve party. The way he described it visions of gorgeous drunks flashed through my head. That is Drunks no longer conscious or aware of which I could take advantage off. I turned him down, for that reason.
    This did however, lead to very ... stimutlating dreams that night. These dreams were incredibly vivid and orgaszmic (not in the sence that I had a nocternal emission (wet dream) but they were sexual and felt incredibly good.
    I had a dream were David Stous and I were naked and french kissing. When I woke up I could still feel David pressed against me and his tounge in my mouth.

I do have my doubts that that is what it may truely feel like, but it felt good here.
    I awoke and put it out of my mind. All I need is one more thing makeing it difficult on me. Anyway I showered and got dressed.
    Suddenly everyone (Jason and I accually) was moving funicher into my basement room. What eventually will happen here is that all the furnicher in the house will be put in here, new carpet will be put down, then I get moved upstairs into a room. No more basement.
    This is a great loss but since the dad must sleep in the TV room in the recliner and the rest of us watch TV, it gets very cramped. So we need the room.
    Of course I can't fit everything I have down here now in the little room, so my file cabnets stay down here.
    One last thing. For as long as I can remember I've had this scar with a small lump on my dick. I reason that early in my masterbating days I must have broken a finger nail and in the the hight of estacsy lodged it in the skin. Well its been fine for years until three days ago. It swoll up and a 'zit developed. It hurt so I put a small hole in the 'zit'. Puss came out . (alot of it) and now it looks like a blood blister. So tomorrow (I hope) when I'm alone, I intend to operate and pray. I'm goning to try to drain it, remove the lump, clean it out and hope it heals and doesn't cause me any more pain then I know this operation will.
* I did pull this off with out a hitch - but I really should have just gone to a Doctor.*
    I lied, heres the last thing. I really miss Marc. But I'm also glad he's gone. I'm not as afraid of dieing, and you can't lose what you don't have. But, I don't know if that's good or bad.
        Goodnight.

© 2000 April (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)