Book 5 November 11 1984 to April 24 1985
Ever get the feeling things are as bad as they seem.
When the snow fell I knew my world was taking a turn for the worse. I
hate snow. It's white, its cold, its wet. All the things I dislike emencely!
My car has gotten harder and harder to start until today when it
refused to start at all. I missed class. I was pissed! Strangely though my stomach didn't
bother me. (There's the old phycology statement that a mans car is an extension of his
penis. Maybe there is a connection. I use my car all the time, take it for granted and
only get angry when it doesn't work.)
The basement (which is my room) is flooded. First the toilet, then the
dog. I can't tell which spots are which and I've goten to the point of not caring anymore.
*The Dog is Jason's. I don't like the dog - it chases Doctor, my
cat.*
Jason (Loki) and I ..... we .... Well, when Hercules says 'Have at
thee' in the comics, you get the idea.
I have classes tommorrow and I damn well intend to be there car or no
car.
I wanted to write about pretty things. Like the feeling school gives
me, Garvey center, even one thing I saw with snow. But this is what's happening.
Today was intersting. My car still wouldn't start.
I was dressed in my suit (Built in warm with the coat). My father had
to take me to school. His windows were frosted over and he scraped them and they started
to frost again. He started driving, yes, driving with frosting windows. We turned the
corner and drove into the sun. It shined off the frost and the windshield became white.
Dad stopped the car, in the middle of the street, and scraped the window again. At the
Oakly 29th intersection stop-light he had to scrap again.
"Don't you have a defroster in here?" I asked.
"Yeah, but it comes out colder then a Bitch!" he replied.
He was more worried about the tempature then being able to see and
aviod any acciedent that could kill us. He did finally turn on the defroster. It wasn't
that cold and had the window cleared in less then 3Ø seconds.
He dropped me off and I carted all my books and art board to my first
class. I was there early like allways. So I took advantage of it. We were discussing
Socrates Apology in class. Mike (DKLN) said it didn't sound like an apology to him but
more like the last . act of deffiance (Thats
a mouse looking up at a swooping Owl and giving him the finger). Then I remembered what
Marc wrote on the back of his picture last year.
'Never say you are sorry after wards, always before hand. This way you
guide your life not repair it.'
I wrote this on the board and drew the last act of defiance. We had an
exellent discussion.
Then I carted everything over to the libary and read the questions for
Socrates and an extra handout. Then I waited in the halls for my math class to begin. I
saw Chris (DKLN) leave, she's in my english class and in the math class before mine. Then
I went in. As I was finding a place for my art board John (DKLN) asked me if I'd been
practicing drawing Owls lately (He too is in my english class). I don't know why I told
him (probibly partly due to the fact he's good looking) but I did. We laughed a little
then he left.
Math was pretty uneventfull as I left early because I didn't need to
retake the test. I ate lunch at Hardes because I couldn't get home. I went back to campus . and had an hour and a half to kill before Art
class. I went up to see if the Art room was open.
It was and the lights were off so I walked in. There was a class
drawing portraits. I quickly left. I was very embareassed.
I sat in front of White concert hall and started to think. Thoughts
raced through my head.
Socrates as a Child with questions. Lear as a fool, Fool as a
conscience. Tragidy and tragic. The way my left hand holds my right hand. I had visions of
this one guy in my math class sitting across from me asking me questions. It was a strange
kind of fantasy. Sexually motivated with no sex in it. I thought about writing this down,
I thought about talking to Angie (Angle) about my homsexual feelings. This arose from that
before I've always seen myself first opening up to a man, not a woman. But logicly I feel
I'd open up to woman before a man because a woman, so to speak has nothing to fear from
me. It didn't turn out much better then the rest. I tried to diffine all the differences
of light and dark, Black and white, cold and heat. I saw my reflection in a window and I
smiled and liped
'Who the hell are you, anyway?'
I still had an hour to kill. Damn.
Damn these sheets are cold! So little to talk about and so much to
say.
I have a little story runing through my head.
Two guys are stranded on the highway, its a cold winter night. I stop
to see if I can help. I recognise the two men but don't let them know. There car turns
over but won't start. I told them I could give them a ride to my house so they could use
the phone. They get in the car and I start to drive.
The blonde haired man holds out hand and
says,
"My name is ..."
"Shawn McIvan, and he's Rick Donovan. I know." I
said.
"Pardon my asking," said Rick from the back seat, "But
you don't really look old enough to have seen one of our movies."
"I'm eighteen, and I haven't seen one of your movies. But I do by
magizines."
"Oh, that explains it." said Shawn. "Bet you never
thought you'd met us.'' he said and placed his hand on my
knee.
"Hoped I would, prayed hard that I wouldn't." I shifted gears
knocking his hand off my knee.
"What do you mean?" said Rick.
"I mean I don't want to be gay. I'm still kind of hoping I'll
grow out of it."
"Grow out of it?!" exclaimed Shawn, "If your eighteen
your probibly gay!"
"Why don't you like being Gay?" asked Rick.
"Because, it makes me feel like a tratior. I look at my friends
and I know there straight, I think gay thoughts. I like those thoughts but I know it means
I'm betraying a trust."
"No wonder you don't like being gay." said Shawn, "What
you need are some gay friends to relieve that self imposed guilt."
"Hey, I put that guilt there to keep me from doing something
stupid. Besides your lucky to even be getting this ride. I
feel threatened, and you nearly lost your hand."
"Why did you pick us up then?" said Rick.
"I don't know. Your need, my curiousity. Maybe even dreams."
"Thought you said your dream was to be straight." said Rick.
"I have many conflicting dreams. They cause a lot of pain. But
maybe one day I'll reach one of them."
They called a tow truck, we talked more. I was no better off and scared
shitless that somebody I knew would see me with two of the Bigger Gay porn stars.
*But if they knew they where gay porn stars - wouldn't they be gay? Later I would read interviews with Rick Donovan that said he never thought of himself as Gay until he entered the porn business - sex was nothing, but he fell in love with a man. For him it was all emotional. I guess even porn stars don't have to be secure in their sexuality. Of course, they where still making a living at what I could only dream about.*
Sorry for having been a tad lax in my dutys as a reporter. I seem to
have over come the barrier of talking bluntly, but now I avoid writing until I have a
backlog of ideas.
Finals are coming up all over the place and I'm missing my air of
panic. This is my first year as a college freshman. I should be paniced like in
highschool, but I'm not. I feel like I should be getting ready for a Wingo test (Wingo was
a white haird gentelman on class days and the hairy White beast WIN-GO!
on test days)
I've been thinking alot about Marc lately. I haven't seen him in
awhile. I had him running through alot of my stories or at least talking about him to
others. I kept finding myself saying to others, that above all others in the world (so
far), I owe him my life. Because of everything he's done for me. It's hard to explain,
worth a page by itself.
Another thing I've been thinking of for a couple of days is what I call
the Divine Joke. Mrs. Yacher started the wheels turning. She was talking about how in the
news this town was on the hinges of being wiped out because it was built around one
company in alot . of finacial trouble (the term She used was 'Green mailing'). Then she said, 'We
raised the normal question for the time, which was, 'Why Christmas".
The wheels started to turn.
The Divine Comedy
Have you ever noticed that catastrophy always seems to strike at the
wrong moment. A great time of year for bad things to happen is in December, espeacily in
the last part of the month. 'But that's Christmas' you say, exactly my point.
Christmas is that time of year when everybody is supossed to be cherful
and happy and give everyone gifts. However, this never seems to be the case. For in 1984
in Topeka alone, I've heard of a city that may die
financially and the teachers union went to court to try and viod the teaching contracts.
It seems to me that everyday the paper get thicker with bigger headlines shouting out bad
news. Peopel are losing money by the fists full. These people can't be happy, can't buy
presents for realitives let alone friends.
When I think of all this I get this image of God laughing hysterically
and Christ with a frown thinking 'When will they learn.' I think that some divine person
is . purposefully depriving peopel of money
on the divine holliday. There is a reason though, a good reason.
Every year people come up short on money on Christmas and feel as
though they have let down everyone. They forget, Christmas is the birthday of Christ. This
is the day we were to declare our love to Christ and our
friends. Not to make the merchant rich and to buy gifts for everyone. I think God is
depriving people of money at this time so they learn to express love for each other, not
to express there bank account.
Until the world can learn that love is not expressed in money or
extravigant gifts, then God will provide us with tragidys that pull people together and
drprive us of money, but not love.
Think about it. Lets remove the frown from Christ and ease the laughter
of God.
I'm tempted to give everyone a pretty rock wrapped in this speech.
I need to go to sleep.
Tomorrows dead day then the finals start (The riegn of Terror). Tomorrow I draw until about noon, go to school and mat then study
for Math.
Friday I take Math final then Drawing final. Call Valery (the Valkery)
and see Dune (or try to).
Over the weekend I rewrite my comp. Monday I hand it in and begin to
study for Philosophy. Wednesday
I take philosophy final and start looking for a job in ernest.
Tonight I sleep.
I saw someone important today. I finishing up the rough draft of my
rewrite. Platos dialogue of Socrates trial as a tragedy. Then Marc came in.
We talked a little and I took my rough draft upstairs to be checked for
spelling. On my way down the stairs I tripped (I think I did it on purpose. I don't know
why. Maybe for attention, for a laugh or to appear inferior?). As I fell I grabed the
railing and it broke and let me fall.
Under my fathers sugestion I took parts from the other one I borke and
fixed the one I just broke. Marc helped me a little.
I watched the muscels flex in his forearm as he twisted the screwdriver. I looked at
the smile on his face and remembered how Christ was a carpenter.
Marc told me when he was leaving. A fucking week from tommorrow. I
already seem very empty and alne. I t seems I've always felt that way though. Every time
I'm with Marc, Brian, David, Crhis, or brad I feel better, brighter, happier. When there
gone I feel alone. When Marc comes by though I feel happier. Maybe because I know he'll
never alow me to hurt him.
I was Christmas shopping this morning. I got Marc a gold cross. I'm not
sure he'll like it. He may think I'm jesting at his religion which I don't believe in. I
hope not.
I've been thinking of the note I want to write him. It will probibly be
very long, and I hope will tell him what he's meant to me.
Damn, I'm talking about hin in the past tense already. I don't like
that. I keep thinking I'll never see him again. In away I hope I never do. But more than
anything else in the world I think I would want to see him again.
Funny, I can't think of a bad thing to say.
Ever just stop and think of all the bad things you've done. All the
little mistakes, even the ones others don't realize you made.
I keep remembering the time I sliped
yesterday and this morning. Yesterday when Marc was here. He kept talking about getting
laid before he left. I was going to say something but I stopped, almost. I say almost
because I thought of something and stopped from saying it, but what I did say ..... well,
it went like this.
"Oh, I could say something but I won't." this of course lead
to the obvious reply of Marc, or anyone.
"What?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Come on, tell me. What is it?"
"I won't say, you'll hit me."
"I won't hit you."
"I was going to say ... no."
"Come on! What?"
"Well, if you get really disperate, I'm free."
"Your free ..?.. Oh! heh-heh. Your gonna get hit."
Of course he thought I was jokeing and I wasn't hit, but I should have
been.
They say a man is never more himself then when he's alone. I was alone
this morning. Mother and Jason left to run some errands. I switched from a shower to a
bath. . The water wasn't really warm but I
had an erection and I started to masterbate. This wasn't the bad part, I'm more
enlightened then to think I'll go insane or have guilt feelings for getting off. But I
have a vivid imagination and I put it to use when I masterbate. But I have a rule. I can't
imagine freinds or anyone I know is straight. I feel that it might lead to dashed hopes. I can imagine people I've seen on the street, in
dirty magizens, or create a totally fictional person.
Today I sliped. I started to imagine Marc. Usually what I do is stop
and start over again with a new image. Today I didn't. I continued to imagine Marc, legs
spread ass in the air. Then moved on to Brian, streching with no clothes on then ending up
on the water bed. Then David, starting with a massage then to other pleasures. And Brad,
then Pattrick, back to Marc, over to Duff and his big brown tits.
I finally came and got out of the tub. I started to drain it and as I
watched the water go down I thought back on what I'd done. I felt very secure knowing I
was alone. Vunerable in that (even though far fetched) someone could have been watching
and knowing what I was thinking. A very ugly for having done what I did. I felt like Judas . again.
I saw Brian today. I couldn't look him in the eye.
I watched the white globs of come go down the drain and wondered why it
was so obvious that I hate white.
I kept wondering what I'm going to write to Marc in his 'good bye'
note. I want to tell him about Judas without telling him about the Beast. May be hard, but with the right allegory and parralles, it can be
done.
Judas
/ Brutus - Jupiter
/--//---Scarriot
J. BJ. Scarriot
/~---/-/---------~
Good .... well pleasant dreams anyway.
8412.17 supplimentary
Time ticks then till ten. AM.
I just handed in my english rewrite for my final grade. I don't really
have anyting else to do today. I've always wanted to sit here and write forever. Write
down every passing thought that goes through my head and show people how I think. Two
things . always stopped me, time and speed.
I never had the time to do it, now I do. I could never write
as fast as I think, I still can't.
I think what I am going to do here is discuss somethings I've talked
about before but not in straight talk. Let me explain what led me to this course of
thought. I was going to write up there 'I don't want to spend this spare time masterbating
like I usually would, I don't want to slip up. Usually I would take off all my clothes and
walk around for a while. Then get out the magizens and masterbate.
You say this seems like an awful horny fella, well you would be to if ...'
That if brought up an old memory. One I didn't even remember for a couple of years after it happened. I still don't know
wether to call it a mistake or what.
'Well, you would be to if ... your first sexual experinece was with
another person and you live in fear of doing it again.'
Mark my progression in memory from when it first happened (way back in
the green 'records' book) to my first mention of an old miner and then I called him the
Emporer.
Funny how music echos your . thoughts
and gives you wisdom. I'm listening to one of my 3 most
faviorate songs by Phil Collins.
Listen.
~ You said you would
You didn't
And I want to know why
And don't bring no excuses
You promised, man
You promised, man
You better explain
Though I don't know what the use is
You said you could
You couldn't
Now, why did you lie
You made it look so easy
You did it
Why do it
What was your point
Your laughin' while you tease me
Oh, Do you know, and Do you Care
I said I did
I shouldn't
Because the magic will go
It happened once before
You see it
You steal it
And take it away
And then come back for more
Don't say you would
You wouldn't
Cause I saw you myself
Its to late for your reason
Your lie'n
Your lie'n
You've done it this time
a sexual cheating
Oh, Do you know and Do you care
Cause I want you
Ooo, everyday I want you
Pass me by and I'll get you
Yes, in the end I'll get you
Just watch me try
Oh, you make it hard
You'll be hard
but I'm tryin' my best
Cause now inside I'm burnin'
You want it
You got it
Now take it and run
I'll hide how much its burnin'
Oh, Do you know and do you care.~
I've used the lyrics before. They mean alot. Promises,
dissappointments, confusion, guilt, lust anyway. That's the part I hate most. You know you
are going to feel a certain way when you do something. You
hate those feelings but you do it anyway.
I really hate feeling like Judas. I feel like that because I am a
mental thief. I lust after things I can't have or experience and I confuse love and lust
and I even love after things I can't have. I am betraying a trust in everyone, and I'm
constantly reminded of it. I don't want to run from the problem, I'm trying to face . it but its hard.
What makes it really difficult is that any head way I make seems to
create other stange feelings and problems. Heres where I stand now.
30% of the time I am turned on by a picture of a naked women.
99% of the time I am turned on by the thought of, pictures of, or
movies of couples. (Problem 75% of the time I'm watching the male)
99% of the time I'm turned on by pictures, thoughts or true to life
males (clothed and naked).
100% of the time I'm turned on by pictures of male couples.
Carefully thought through specutaltions <speculations>
show that with 90% probiblity, 99% of the time I would run from, faint, or become sick at
any actuall sexual encounter.
New problems - does this make me bi-sexual? Homesexual? or condem me to
Autosexuality? Am I just a Homosexual self conditioned from fear to respond to other
situations? I'm I really just obsessed with a natural curiousity I should have outgrown
years ago? Am I trapped in the concept that since my first sexual experience was with a
male (probibly diffinately within my curiosity period) all my encountes should be with
male? (I've pretty much illemanated that
. one).
'To many questions for such a simple man' - Supertramp 'Logical Song.'
Another question that comes up alot is 'Does it matter?' which usually
leads into the philosophical arugement of 'Is life a Big Joke?'
Want to hear something Strange? I just realized that if you read this
(all of it) then you probibly think I'm a very depressed, guilty tormented kid. Actually
your only partly correct. I'm only this way when I begin to think with logic and reason -
in other words when I think. When I'm depressed I've been thinking to much.
Actually most of the time I excersize my imagination, sences and
emotions. My sences tell me the world is a manificance merical <magnificent
miracle>, full of little wonders. Shape and form are my life as an artist. Music
makes me feel deeply one emotion or another. I revel in color and smell. As a writer I try
to let others experience them. I'm one of those people that takes a walk because it a
beautiful day. I stop to smell the roses, like the feel of the grass between my toes and
the sun on my skin.
I like to be with people. I like to talk and discuss, share . ideas and learn. Marc has always been able to
do that for me. David and Brian have done alot in that area also. Chris and recently Brad
have come very close to Marc, maybe even better but I rarely see them anymore.
I love hugs. Non-sexual hugs. Just two people or things getting
together for a little care. I haven't had many hugs lately, but I don't care because I've
had more then most. Most of the people I know believe hugs have to be sexual (espeacily
the guys) and so don't hug. I am one of those few people that recognize the differnces in
people. Everybody walks different, talks different, smells different. I love the way some
people smell. Grandpa, Chris Grey-wolf, Sally Kipis, Laura Swick, and the brother of
someone at gymnastics. (He's cute too, but he wears on of those halve
pendant necklaces and every girl in the gym is after him - No fantasys).
I seem to have lose my train of thought. Mom just came home. Its 11:22
already. The longest I've ever writen in a long time.
I seem to have covered alot of material and not talked about anything I
wanted to (had planned to say). Anyway, guess I'll save it for later and eat and kept
thinking about Marc's 'good-bye' letter.
© 2000 April (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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