Book 5 November 11 1984 to April 24 1985

8411.26

    This storys been going for some time in my mind. Its one of its best but long, a short story to a novel at best. I'm in the last one fifth or so of the story so it won't be the first I put in here.
Sorry.
    I have other things to write about though. I went to English today and the teacher (Mrs. Yacher) read my 'Conscience of the King' paper to the class. All of it. weak conclusion and all! I was so embarassed.
--( Reminds me of a joke. Say this fast enough, and no-one will know you've said dirty words. 'Twat did you say? I cunt hear you. I have an ear infucktion. Bare ass me again. )----
    Anyway my grades are good in English. But, then there's Mr. Navone. Art teacher, he gave me a C+. He's grading me down on half my life (maybe more). I don't like it. I'm going to talk to him tommorrow, we have an appointment.
    Marc came over tonight. A first. Then he shocked me. He asked me for help. Another first. Next . he'll believe I'm listening to him and that he's the greatest teacher I've had.
    Damn I'll miss him when he moves to Ponapay. My whole will be constanly empty instead of periodicly (I spelled that wrong on purpose. I'm not that stupid).
    He needs some help on a Gonrae (I know that's spelled wrong. It's not on purpose) outline for A.P. English. I wish, no I don't. I was going to say I wish you could see Marc's face when he talks to his family. He misses them so much. His face is hartbreaking. So much for mixed-emotions. *Marc's family had already moved to Ponape. He stayed behind (with his grandparents) to finish his last year of High School. As soon as school was done - he was to move to Ponape.*
    Had a dream last night were I het my dad. Felt real good.
    I'm going to to go to bed. Finish off this story in my head. Wonder if Marc will leave me again.

8411.28

    Everything I say is a riddle. This alows me to speak and do openly what I hide.
    Last night I finished that story in my head. It took some nasty turns but its one of the first to turn out alright.
    There was one little part I'm going to wright down because it will put me where . I can talk about two things people who know best probible want to know about.
    "Brain and I," Marc said "Were down here remembering. Trying to remember the things you told me to think about."
    I remembered the fight in the hall were I was trying to convince Marc I wasn't gay without lieing. I told him to look me in the eye and remember every time I ever lied to him or anyone, then to think about everything I ever did. Then I asked,
    "Have I ever lied to you? Or done anything to substanciate this acusation?" Well, he backed down in the hall and apoligised, but now he'd been thinking.
    "You know," Marc said, "You have lied to us before. A big lie you live."
    "What are you talking about?"
    "Do you really expect us to believe you're from another planet!"
    "No," I said, "But thats the only way anybody looks at the story!"
    "What?" said Brian.
    "I said look deeper, look beyond."
    "Why is everything you say a riddle like that damn black glove of yours?"
    "The Story's an allegory, the Glove is a symbol. Life is the riddle with no answer, My . questions are worded different to wield answers."
    A hush fell for a moment before the accusations flew again. There are the two things people would most want to know about.
    We'll start with my extra-terestral origins. This the way the story goes (only the basics, I add details as people ask questions). Changed my mind. I have one rule about the story. I never bring it up. People must ask me. I don't tell things freely. You must ask specific questions. This the way the conversation usally goes.
    "Are you from another planet?"
    "Yes."
    "What is it? Mars."
    "No. Galifrey."
    "Galifrey?! Where's that?"
    "Far side of Andremeda. The next closet galaxy to your milkyway."
    "How come we haven't seen it?"
    "Your most powerful telescopes can only see half-way into the galaxy. It's on the far side."
    "Did you get here in an Egg?"
    " I don't like Mork." *Lie. I loved that show. I didn't like being made fun of.*
    "Sorry. How did you get here."
    "In a TARDIS."
    "TARDIS? Is that a space ship?"

    "Sort of. It travells through time as well as space."
    "Where is it now?"
    "Orbiting the earth in an alternate reality."
    "Alternate what?"
    "Reality. TARDIS stands for Time And Realitive Dimentions In Space."
    "Yeah, Does it run on gas."
    "No, energized hydrongen."
    "Why are you here?"
    "I stole the TARDIS. I broke time laws as I left. I'm the first criminal they've had in a while. This is my prison."
    "Prison? When do you get out?"
    "Year 2ØØØ."
    "Then you just hop in your TARDIS and leave?"
    "Then I'm free to do as I want. Stay or go."
    "Will you leave?"
    "Yes."
    "Going to go back to Ork?"
    "Never went to Ork. Far as I know it doesn't exist. I don't like Mork."
    "How 'bout Vulcan?"
    "I might go back there."
    "You've been to Vulcan?"
    "I hid there for awhile and studied with the masters."
    "Like Spock?"
    "Star Trek Vulcan and real Vulcans are similar but not the same."

    "How are they different?"
    "They have blonde hair, blue eyes and base there socity on three things. Love, hate, reason."
    "Wierd."
    "To you maybe. They are the best teachers, warriors and Scientist."
------------------    -------------------------     ---------------------
    I need to go to bed. This can go on for hours. I'll continue and explain tommorrow. This is one thing I'm trying to eliminate. I'll explain that later also.

8411.29

    No more conversation.
    Galifrey. I'll explain the start. I will rely on the intelligence of my friends reading this to figure out the rest.
    Galifrey - breakdown
Gayla (Gali) ie happy festive
free (frey) ie freedom
Gay (Ga_ _ _ _ _ y) ie my problem.
    Another planet ie I'm alien or alone and different.
    TARDIS - symbol - my imagination which causes me to be an anacronism, either behind or ahead. (Powered by energized hydrogen ie the air around me. Bigger inside then outside ie The vastness of imagination within the limits of my head.

Can chage its appearance ie the masks and robes I wear to fit my surroundings)
The three stages of my life.
Galifry - Advanced science, and peace, also boring ie childhood - astounding imagination and peace however limited and boring.
(Rules were applied. The Child rebels and runs free)
Vulcan (Note - Started with David Stous. In highschool in order to imatate me he became vulcan (Mr. Spock later Krotos). He has blonde hair and blue eyes) Strict rules and disipline, a dessert planet, three emotions Love, hate, reason ie Socity, rules, logic, education, Child emotions learn discipline, I loved or hated, I learned reason.
Earth - My prison ie My life ceased to be desolate and became a prison as I became more aware and trapped by rules, reason, morals, peers. However, I do meet people, I am learning, my 'inmates' aren't all terrible.
Year 2ØØØ - wishfull thinking.
More simply put; Galifrey - imagination, Vulcan - Reason, Earth - reality.
These worlds also corespond . losely to periods in my life
Galifrey - 6^th grade and down.
Vulcan - Middle school.
Earth - High school to present.

As people asked me questions I created details corresponding to these factors. Some are just details, but they do correspond. However, many do not know many parts of the story.
Not only was I a member of the time counsel but I was Captain Killgrave on Galifrey. This is because when I was at Bishop *my grade school* I always played with the younger kids. They would flock to me and ask me to do my mime routines, clown acts, and all my funny voices.
Going to Jardine *my middle school* was the most painfull thing I ever went through. I hid in the closet refusing to go. I had to go but I resolved not to like it or make any new friends. But it wasn't so bad and I met David, Brad and Angie. But this refusal and withdrawl cost me. I've lost most of my voices, don't remember the routines which I stayed up nights for.

I've also lost a majority of my empathy with children younger then myself.
Vulcan was very hard on me. It was there that I lost my innocents (mentally), I met up with bullies who could do nothing but hate me when I was so used to the laughter of children. Then Grandpa died. Thats why the TARDIS crash landed in the Jardine field when I came to earth.
So now you know about Galifrey. It's an allegory mirroring my entire life.
That's how I could remember it Ivan. Ivan used to question me constantly trying to trip me up and bring me down. As a result he earned the name Thorn in my books. But as a result of his verbal 'bullying' I became stronger and he knows more about me then probibly anybody (but he doesn't know it).
People thought I used the story for attention. It alienated me more than anything else. I became an 'insane freak' a side-show amusement. It made me feel good that I was giving people a break, making . them smile at my insanity and testing there imagination but it made me sick knowing why they were questioning me. To try and trip me up, or make a joke out of it. It was my life they were making a joke of.
I've tried to aviod telling this story for the last couple of years. Hardly anybody asks anymore.
Duff Taylor (the Patient traveler). He's my only link to that story now. I promised Duff a trip in the TARDIS after I leave in 2ØØØ. He doesn't think I can or will, but he's wrong. The first few times he asked I refused. But in him (at the time) I saw the potential for vast imagination and innocents. But like everyone else, he grew up.
I need to go, its late. The black glove tomorrow or soon.

8412.01

    Joy of joys. dad is home.

Marc came by for a talk. He's been over more often. No complaints, just a statement.

I'm watching the Eurythmics concert on MTV. This is the first time I've seen Annie Lenex when she didn't appear to be female to me. Her make-up makes it look like shes been bruised. I really like the music, calm and soothing with an air of excitement.
    Funny, she wears two black gloves. (Wondered when I'd get to that didn't you. Actually every-thing I've said related to it.)
    Marc came over and we started to talk. We came to the subject of A.P. English which lead to the subjects of Ballads (Writen in A.P. English) and to the mentioning that my Ballad last year 'Black Glove' came in fifth in finals. Which I thought was funny considering durning its first reading to the class it was Gonged.
    Marc mentioned that it was just on his mind (My gloves meaning) and that he wanted to read the Ballad. I looked for it every where and couldn't find it.
    'Hard to believe you could lose something so important' he said.
    'Nothing I haven't said better before.' I replied.
    I told him that I had a . dream that he finally figured it out then heard my third name.
    "Your what?" he asked
    'Listen better.' I said.
    'I heard third name. Is that what you said?'
    'Is it?'
    He seemed a little angery. Of course my third name is J. B.J. Scarriot, keeper of the Beast.
    This is the way it happened in the dream. Scene, Burnets mound. I'm sitting on the hood of my car and Marc walks up behind me. Its very cold out.
    "Whats the virdict, Death Dealer?"
    "Innocent."
    "On what grounds?"
    "What is this? Trying to convict yourself?"
    "I once wrote that one day the Apockiliptic Beast would come down and Judge me. Then I would hand them the barb-wire to hang me with."
    "Little tough on yourself aren't you?"
    "Why am I innocent?"
    "Call it ... Trust."
    "Trust in what?"
    "What do you mean?"
    "Trust in me? Trust that I'm a Man? Trust that I'm your freind? . Or is it trust that I'm not threat?"
    "Why is this important?"
    "I want to know if it was trust or if the trail was thrown out of court for convienance."
    "Okay! It was trust in freindship."
    I paused for a moment and looked into his eyes.
    "If it was truely trust in freindship, If you can't see me doing harm to you because I'm your friend, then come over here and sit down. I'll see if I can't hand you that barbwire."
    "I don't want to hang you."
    "If its the trust I listed then you couldn't."
    Marc stood trying to assess the situation. He looked me in the eyes. Then he sat next to me on the car hood. I smiled, took off my right glove and threw it on the ground. Then I held up my left hand.
    "Obviously you've thought about this. Give me what you know."
    "It's a barrier, right?"
    "Correct. Do you want to eximine the barrier or what's behind it?"
    "Behind it."
    I pulled off the left glove and put it down on the car hood between us.
    "Something not quite so obvious first."
    I reached out and put one hand on each side of his face.

    "Feel a temperature difference?"
    "Yes, the left hand is colder. How'd you do that?"
    "My hand is cold because its been in a glove, not a mitten."
    "Gloves are supposed to keep you warm."
    "Exactly. Now what else is different about the two hands?"
    "Nothing."
    "Okay, what's similar?"
    "There there."
    "Very good. They exist. What else?"
    "I don't know."
    "Think!"
    "I am! I don't know."
    "Tell me, If I was missing a hand would that be 'normal'?"
    "No."
    "Then its natural that there there?"
    "Yeah. Hey. Are you right or left handed?"
    "Exellent! I'm right handed but trying to be ambidextreous. It isn't working out though."
    "Why not?"
    "Because it isn't my right ... hand."
    "Was that pun intendented?"
    "You tell me."
    "So this hand is right and this one is wrong?"
    "No this one is left."
    "Not wrong but left."
    "Exactly. Now review what you have."
    "Okay. Whats behind the barrier . is not right or wrong, just left. And its cold because its behind the glove and not used. It can't touch anything can it?"
    "Not with the barrier up. Now don't forget that it is there. I'm not covering a phantom."
    "Shit! You are gay aren't you?"
    "Are we going to start that again?"
    "No, I mean it. Its your black secrete. You don't use it, You don't let it touch anybody. Its not wrong but its not right and ... its ... there ... isn't it?"
    I reach into my pocket and pull out a ten dollar bill. I put it in his hand and say,
    "My name is Judas Brutus Jupiter Scarriot. Judas betrayed Christ with a kiss for 3Ø pieces of Gold. Brutus betrayed Ceaser for power. I don't want power, money, or the title traitor. I give back the money given to me by Romans."
    Marc clenched his fist crumpeling the bill. He looked to my hands; Left fist palm down, Right open palm up.
    "Get in the car!" said Marc. "Start the engine and turn on the heat!" he demanded once inside.
    "It'll take a little time to warm-up."
    "Damn it Bret! Talk to me!"
    And I did. We talked, and he seemed to understand. Best its turned out in a long time. Marc didn't use alot of . the clues I embeded in the glove itself, he figured it out by my hands alone.
    If only people realized how easy it was.

8412.02

    Ever get stuck for an idea? I've been paceing the floor for half an hour trying to come up with one good idea for a villian.
    It used to be that I thought up heros and villians as they came to me. Then I discovered that I had more heros then villians and figured I ought to keep a 5Ø - 5Ø ratio. So I have this 'even - out' folder which presently holds 5 heroes (1 team) and 4 villians (no relations). I thought I might get caught up this weekend. Of course I think that almost every weekend and I never do get caught up. But then that's life!
    I guess when ideas don't want to come they don't come. I tried all my normal stimuli to no avial (comics, music, TV, class work, and any art I can find).
    Its getting toward my bed time, perhaps a dream will stumulate an idea or two.
    Had a wierd dream last night though. I was in this . very large underground complex. It was mostly a lot of huge auditorums connected together with lots of cement tunnels with pipes.
    I was with Byron and Kelly (My cousins) following Uncel Harry and Aunt Jerry. We were there for the insult contest. This is where everyone is the world got to gether and made a speech were they could insult anybody. Then there was a judging to find out whoes the best.
    I remember it was mostly only an adult competition so Bryon, Kelly and I sat back to watch. Uncel Harry got up and insulted politics and bombed misserably. Then Aunt Jerry got up and insulted Uncel Harry and was getting standing ovations.
    I remember I got bored and left, exploreing the tunnels. Somehow I ended up alone and running from some mad scientist and guys that look like there from the secrete service. I hid above a class for a while and I listened in. Then I was running again. I remember ducking in several doors before I finally ended up in a girls locker room. It was empty and I setteled down into a corner and listened as my hunters went . by. When I started to get up suddenly a girls gymnastics team came in. They were all wearing plastic robes and shower caps. They started to take showers behind a colored picket fence (still in there caps and robes). Then there was a knock at the door and Rob Saia (IA guy I hardly know other then that I've gone to the same schools with him and that he is a great musian. Only by reputation and hardly that) walks in dressed in a shower cap and felt robe. He gets behind the picket fence with the girls and he undresses. The girls start to clean him and I can see his dick between the slats of the fence. I keep wondering why they don't see me because I'm just sitting in the corner.
    I don't remember what happened after that but I woke up running through the halls to get back to the auditorum to hear Aunt Jerry's acceptance speech for her roasting of Uncle Harry.
    Don't you think thats a weird dream? Didn't spark any ideas though. Maybe tonight will or at least classes tommorrow.

8412.03

    This was a nervous day. First, Dad (Dominator) is home and started his new in town job. I had to have a quick, cold shower after a night of shivering. I prayed that the swimming pool would be warmer then usual and that I'd be in time to do twenty laps.
    My car almost didn't start and that made my stomache sick. See, If I'm not early I'm late. I hate to be late and it makes me very nervous. This makes my stomache sick like it used to be everyday before school for the last 6 years. Now it only gets me on first days and lateness.
    Well I got to school in plenty of time. I got to swimming and Chris (I don't know her last name) told me to just jump right in. I knew something was wrong. I was right. The pool was freezing! Down wish one. Anyway teacher was really nice and said 'Do your laps and leave.' So I had plenty of time to do my 2Ø laps. Horay for wish two.
    As I started to leave I saw a lot of the guys in the theriputic whrilpool. I asked how it was and they said warm. I tried it got right in with them. It was . a real nice 87° in there compared to the 72° of the pool normally around 8Ø°.
    Then I started to get nervous. As I sat in the whirlpool (which wasn't working. No bubbles just warm salt water clorine and sweat) with Sean (I don't know his last name) and David Freind (happened to hear his full name once) and two other reasonabley unattractive guys I began to fantasize. I thought that Sean or David would remain in the pool longer then the others and we would experince unadultrated lust (you know how fantasys go). Well the two unattractives left, then Sean left (Damn) and David stayed awhile then left. Oh, well. I knew that was the way it would happen. Any way I stayed, and as I floated there I began to fantisize again about Bill Resnik (Read his name. He was in the Washburn play. Very good). I knew he had a swimming class after mine. He's in my Honors English class, so I knew he was there. But I started to worry because I was wearing my speedo (very small) and starting to get an erection. Then Bill walked in (Shit).

Let me tell you how fast shock can make you lose an erection. He walked in, in a swimsuit as small as mine (so good looking) and I lost my erection in less then half a second! I was glad too because the last thing I wanted him (or any guy) to see was me laying there in an erection. Any way he got in the pool with me and started a conversation. The fantasys continued in the back of my mind. Of course, thank god, nothing happened. Anyway thing is I'm practicly sick from nerves and these fantasys won't quit because this other guy walked in and suddenly (in the back of my mind) I pictured a threesome. I noticed the time and used it as an exuse to get out. One bad thing. This other guy followed me into the lockerroom to change. More fucking fantasys (pun intented). I saw him naked (and was impressed. Looked like he had a 9" cock) speed up dressing and got out.
    I'm damn lucky that when it comes to at least this kind of situation I'm a good actor. The rest of the day was mostly uneventfull after I masterbated.
    This is a funny song; 'They called me Bruce (My name is Richard)'. Springfield.

*I don't know if I mention it a semester down the line - I accidently happened in on Bill Resnik's good-bye party (going home to California) ... at a gay bar ... damn*

© 2000 April (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)