Book 4 July 7 1984 to November 8 1984

841Ø.22

    I heard footsteps. I looked out into the dark and saw the black coming toward me.
    "Hi gorgous." spoke the brown woman. Her painted face gave her the look of the devil. Her purple hair was drenched in sweat and clung to her head like seaweed.
    "Why are you here, bitch?"
    "Oooh, A little upset are we? Look Honey, he didn't even know you."
    "But I thought of him. That made him close enough to feel the loss."
    "Shit, you just upset because you lost a good wet - dream."
    "No!! I'm upset because we aren't supposed to die!!"
    "Who is we?" she asked smuggly.
    "The young ones. Those of us just starting to live. We are immortal, we aren't supposed to die until we're old!"
    "Honey, he came to me. Of his own fee will."

    "Bullshit! You took him. By force, very violent force I hear."
    "Look   I ain't going to debate that with you who is still wet behind the ears. I'll take those I want, and those who come to me. There is an order. It was his time, he had to go. I took him."
    "You always just take don't you?"
    "You shut your mouth before I crawl in that whole you call a home and take you out!"
    I took out the ebony blade and held it out deffecively.
    "Try me." I said.
    "Look honey, that won't stop me. Now see here, you make me out like some selfish hussy. Well, I ain't. I give too you know. I give by taking away pain and anguish."
    "Go away. I don't want to think about you."
    "Fair enough, but I'll be back around. Count on it."
    The long, lean black woman stood upon her leather heels and turned. I caught a glint from one of her spikes then she walked into the dark.
    The wreath of flys buzzed noizily about and stung at my borw. I couldn't tell wether they sang Why or Wize.

841Ø.23

    I crawled out of my little whole today. I crawled out and saw parents crying. The coffin was closed and the tears flowed freely and painfully down there cheeks. I wanted to say something, do something. I didn't want empty words like - I'm so sorry + I under-stand + If theres anything I can do -
    There was nothing I could do, I couldn't even shed a tear. I signed my name to the book so they know I cared at least enough to be there a moment. I left then, saying nothing, wishing it had been different.
    As I left I realized just how real I was. How real everyone was. Just how mortal we all are. One small phrase offered me some solice. The Guideing Light once read it to me. "To an Athlete dying Young." It didn't lessen the sorrow, but it made it seem alright.
    Then I felt sorrow for others. Take what I feel and multiply by 1Ø fold and add other emotions. Those are his close freinds. I could only just begin to feel what they did and cann't begin to imagine the parents and close realitives.
    Death, I find I don't hate you so much as I hate the pain you leave behind. Damn that part of you.

841Ø.25

    I've stepped out of my little dark whole. I breathed in deep.
    "Hey Berkeley, what does happen when God lose his concentration." there was resounding laughter and the Hobo replied,
    "Then we all cease to exist!"
    I heard the baying of a coming wolf and know that tommorrow Coach Byrd becomes 2 and 5.
    I look at the moon and I know that all Hallows eve comes and I smile. The one night that I can step out of myself and be someone else, and observe myself.
    The Desert Moon tells me other things too. The calm struggling Alien still calls Soul Searcher and something like the Bloody Odepus I pry for a taste of the light.
    My face is hairy. Perhaps a shave and a bath. It's a nice day for a White wedding, but I'm <not> sure I have a bride or Best-man.
    I have to find my way to the surface. Need to get out of the Dark, or the Black. Need to find the light. Even if it takes blood, sweat and .... and ..... Yes I believe it will have to take tears. I hope I can find them.

841Ø.26

    Then there was silence. I don't know what is going to happen.

841Ø.27

    I turned and there under the dessert moon stood the calm struggleing alien and Soul Seacher. I thought I heard a baying Wolf and a prowling Cat, but I didn't. I enjoyed the breif new company of my old friends. It was good to see them in a new light.

841Ø.28

    It seemed to be a party. But the men were like my father, the Dominator. All so old and thoughtless, so narrow minded there ideas come out folded.
    I saw the Baron again and his sister is still sweet. I met Valkery, she also is sweet. Those three and my Aunt were the only bright spots at this party.
    We carved pumkins. The faces seemed to echo our inner selves. The true son of the old men carved out a big mouth. The Barons sister carved out big beautiful eyes and a smile that greeted the world. Valkerys seemed to be happy and confused all at once. Mine was sinister.
    Light the evening with a candel and it shines dimly. Put it in a jack-o-lantern and the emotions shine though, making not a dent in the Dark.

841Ø.29

    Is it all happening? or is it just fond memories?
    I hear laughter. I see smiles and good times. There, I see the white haired Gentelman and the guiding light, there singing together. I see Death Dealer, I hear of Theseus. I find the Patient traveller and he is not in bulky armour, I can see his face and hear his voice. I find a Penny, she brought me good luck. I can laugh.
    Yet through out all of this there is chaos. All these sights and sounds come in timid flashes, blurbs of reality, a timult of real and fictional flashes.
    High above me through a crack in the sky there shines a Desert Moon, and I try to ignore it.
    "Where the Hell am I!?"
    What time? What place?
    "Isn't there anybody here to hear me!?"
== I'm here. ==
    "No you're not!"
== Yes, I am ==
    "No! You're ... Not!"

    Then there was silence.
Utter, complete, dark ... silence.

841Ø.3Ø

    All Hallow's eve, and I'm alone. Perhaps on this magic day I'll find my way out of the dessert, see and converse with a wizard, find and slay that elusive dragon.
    But it seems to me that on the day when nothing is as it appears, or is more that it is then what it was, I do these things, but to the wrong objects and people.
    The flys buzz loudly about my head. I pull my collars up and bring my cloak in tight to avoid the cold.
    Do I hear voices? No, not real ones. There is no one down here but me.         I hope.

841Ø.31     Halloween

    I got all dressed up. I felt like someone. No one was there, and it began to rain.
    Thunder and Lightning echo through the darkness. Tonight is truely the night for Demons.
    Death Dealer wasn't home. Theseus, house in order, spoke for a moment, smiled, flexed his muscles, then left on work. There was no wolf to bark at the moon. There were no knights, wizards, dragons, Jesters, clowns, Jokers, Warriors, Outlaws, Aliens. Nothing penetrated the Dark.
    Suddenly there was a scowl with . a jutting jaw, eyeless sockets and purple monks robes. My heart fluttered and it laughed. Removing the mask I found Death Dealer there. I reached out and he faded away.
    I cried out in anger, hate, rage, and Lonelyness.
    The storm is severe, it clouds this kings shallow mind.

8411.01

    In the darkness I felt the presence of kindness and friendship gone. Then came a noise and the Terminator! He was as cold as the metal he was made of, his eyes reminded me of Dominators. I had nothing to fear, he was real. Nothings real in the dark.
    I don't know what to do down here. I'm frightened to move and I don't feel a door. Is there no escape? No, there has to be!
    I heard a noise, some kind of animal, a freind.
    "Death Dealer, is that you?" no answer.
    "Brown-wolf? Pony-boy? ... hello?"
    There was never another niose, no answer.
    I feel so fucking alone, even if there is someone here.

8411.02 considered

    I'm told to relax by no one there. Because I'm alone. Should I stumble in the Dark and fall of the edge in chains, there is no one to catch my fall.
= I'll catch you = then came laughter.
    "You'll trip me." and I fondeled on, trying not to fall on the sword I grasp.
    "I have dreams of a wife." I say
= What does she give you? =
    "A son."
= What does she take? =
    "Her life." I hang my head down Oedipus had nothing on me. My feet are so cold.

8411.03

    I heard frantic sounds, felt a frenzied prensence, but saw no-one. I heard the rattle of a man running in manacles. I could feel him running about me in a frenzy. Then the invisible man began to shout.
    "The Killers are free
    The Demons can see
    The Blind may shout
    But the Beast is out!"
   I heard the man fall and grunt under his panting. I heard him begin to slowly crawl off.
    "Hello," I said, "Can I help you?"
    "No," said the voice, "Not you." the invisible man said grimly.

    "You're your own best company,
    Until you sit by yourself."
    I heard a gasp and a choke. The Darkness claims one more. Why?! Why couldn't I see him? Was he consumed in his own Darkness? Could he have been consumed by his Blackness? Was I blind?
    I draw out the ebony blade and stare at it through my sunglasses. I can't see the dark blade, only the jeweled hilt held tightly by my hands, covered with my fingerless black leather gloves. The jewels begin to glitter and glow and my anger seems to fade away. Then the wreath of flys about my head begin to buzz. They bit my brow and I bleed red tears. I wear the crown to a nonexistant kingdom. I've lost power in my world. What am I saying?! I never had power here.
    I thought I had power and that illusion cost me myself. I sheath my sword and look around. He let me have the illusion of power and it cost me. Now I need to find my way out.
    I have a wizard a grail and a Dragon to find.

8411.04

    "Friend."
    I turn around sharply sword drawn ready to face the enemy. Then I saw the face behind me and smiled. I sheath my sword and open my arms.
    "Brown-Wolf!"
    Brown-Wolf smiled and said three things,
    "Good to see you, friend. I'm leaving soon, but I wanted to tell you, I've found a mate."
    "Congradulations." I said as I watched him run into the Blackness. He knows the way out but I can't follow him, though he wouldn't mind leading. I have to find my own way out.
    I fell in . I have to climb out. I have to find a wall and climb my way out. Somehow.
    Whats funny is I know there are walls. I can feel them crushing me. Yet I can't find them. Theres nothing but darkenss about me.
    I have to sleep but I can't tell if my eyes are open or not. Damn it, does it even matter if I try to get out? The last page of this book is missing. Whats the use of getting out if I can be nothing when I get out?
--Better live before I take you. -- said the purple haired woman.

8411.05

    Hands streched out, fingers probing. I'm looking for a way out. Some-one's trying to stop me.
= You'll never find the way out =
    "Won't know untill we try."
= Do you still wear one glove? =
    I felt a wall and began to investigate.
    "Yes, sometimes."
= What does it mean? =
    "Figure it out. Earn the right to know."
= Mean's you're a fag. Give me the money. =
    "Back up your claim. I haven't betrayed you yet." The wall was smooth and I couldn't feel the top. No way around this one here.
= May not have, but you have the wine =
    "I don't drink it."
= Spill that wine, eat the bread =
    I felt something sharp and it hurt.
    "You're sick. Quite following me."
= I don't need to. I know the way out =
    "Then shut up and let me find it."
= No ... Pony-boy could have died. But you didn't know. =
    "I do now. You who isolated me now put me in touch." The wall became rough but there was nothing deep enough to be a foot hold.
= Your going the wrong way. =
    "Will you, who chained me, set me free?"
= No =
    "Then shut up, please."
= I stop percieving you. You don't exist. =
    "God percieves me."
= You don't believe in him =
    "Hard to betray a man that doesn't exist."

8411.06

    I was tired, I had to sit down a moment. I leaned against the wall and locked my fingers together. I was tired but the voice contnued.
= Admit it, you miss him. =
"I miss him. So what?"
= Miss striving for him in lust and dream =
"I miss him from my life, no more."
= Leader of a pack of war dogs! He was a catch ... =
"... And he has a mate! You face it. Your the one let down."
= Well you still have ... =
"No, You still have."
"Whose there?" spoke a voice from the other side of the wall.
"Death Dealer? Is that You?" I said.
"Damon! Are you okay?"
"I'm trapped, but I'm finding my way out." I said "Will you be there when I get out?"
"I'll try." he said.
= It's a lie. =
"Can't give me any rest?"
= But it's a lie. Death Dealer's a warrior.=
"So what? there's no war."
- Haven't heard? The Red follows in and the small god sits on the botton, waiting -
"I have to get out of here!"
=Why? so you find a mate, and lie more?=
"No one knows what its like to be the Bad man, the Sad man, Behind Blue eyes No one knows what it's like to be hated To be fated, to tell only lies.
I have hours ... only lonely
My love is Vengance, thats never free.

No one knows what its like to feel these felings, Like I do
And I blame you!"
= Me! =
"I blame you!!
No one fights back his heart on there anger.
None of my pain or woe can show through.
But my dreams they aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be.
No one knows what it's like to be the Bad man, the Sad man,
Behind blue eyes."
= Know what this is? =
"No."
= Worlds smallest violen playing my heart bleeds for you. =
"Go to Hell!"
= Why? Thats where you are. =
    I said nothing. I got up and began to search the wall again. I ignored the trickels of blood from my neck and hands.

8411.07

= What are you going to do out there? =
"Live"
= Like hell, you'll die. =
"I will not. There are people out there."
= No one is out there. =
"Death Dealer is. Thesus is always with him. My friends are out there."
= They left. They don't like you. =
"Bull! I'm going to get out."

= And do what? Lust after flesh. =
"No!"
= Face it you've always been lost =
"I haven't been lost. I just don't know where I'm going."
= You've always been alone =
"I haven't been alone! I've had freinds"
= You haven't had friends. You had Gaurdians and Nannies. =
"I'm getting out of here and leaving you behind."
= Can't do it. I've always been with you, always will be. You can't get rid of me. =
    I turned around quickly and put my back against the wall. I drew my sword.
"Then I'll kill you here, now! I'll leave your body here to rot!"
= Not with that you won't. =
"Why not with this?!"
= Because its mine. =
"This sword is mine! It was in my septer ..."
= Where I put it for you to find. =
"No!!!" In my rage I swung the sword about madly until I struck the wall. Then with an object to vent my anger upon I bashed the ebony blade against the wall unitl I finally shoved the blade up to its hilt in the wall.
    The his laughter stoped. There was silence as I stared at the jeweled handel. Then my laughter began.

8411.08

= Impossible! =
"Nothing is possible. That leaves only the imposible to be done."
= Your not out yet you little shit. =
"Who so ever pulleth out this sword shall be rightfully King."
    With that I sieze the jeweled handel with both hands and pull it out. As I swung the ebony blade over my head I could smell cold, fresh air from it. The blade cut the stale air with a swish as I drove it down and pushed the blade through the wall again.
= How can it cut? =
"Your blade, is it black or dark?"
= Its black. =
"And this place, is it black or dark?"
= Things are black, places are dark. =
"And Black will always cut the dark. Thus he who kept me, re-leases me."
= I do not! Your mine! =
    The sword driven once more into the wall, suddenly the Darkness strikes out against me. I fly backwards into my scarlet cloak and the wreath of flys became momentarily dispersed. My leather covered hands became fists. I stood and went for the golden handel of the ebony blade. I met with resistance but forced my way through. I siezed the . handel and swung it around behind me. The ebony blade became crimson and I heard a scream of the Darkness.
    "For freedom." I said and drove the bloddy blade into the wall once again.
    A small pentagon fell away and the light screamed through. With it came a powerful wind and a foul stench. The light was smokey grey and lifeless. I knelt down and looked through the whole. Quickly I moved to the side as an arrow straight and true shot through. It dissappeared in the dark. I began to breath hard in panic. Sweat beaded up on my flesh and the flys were soon attracked.
= What did you see? =
"The dessert sand ... it was sparkeling glass. The sky was pale blue and the leaves were red. Things and people were dieing, and those that were alive had purple, chapped lips. The air is cold and biting. People are wrapped up tightly in elegant furs or old rags. Those without a coat fall like the brown leaves from the trees. Nothing is green but the look in cold mens eyes.
    "They walk in the light but shield there eyes. When challenged . They aim to kill!"
= Were your friends there? =
"Death Dealer, no. Theseus, long gone by the looks of it. Brown-wolf, gone. What became of the warriors three? Held back like the calm struggleing Alien? or far away like the Soul Searcher and Angel?"
= It's called Autumn. Soon will come a blanket of white death ... =
"Death is black."
= It will be white, because a spring can come. =
"Can I bring the spring?"
= I don't know =
"What do you know?"
= If you go out tere you will have to endure the white death before anyone can bring a rebirth. If a rebirth comes. =
"Isn't it all a cycle? Won't spring have to come?"
= First came God, then came Christ then came who? =
"No one."
= The cycle broke. It happens every-once-in-a-while. =
"Will you stop me if I try to leave?"
= I'm wounded. But I certainly won't kill you if you stay. =
"They can. I seem to have a choise."
= What will it be? =
I stood with rock and sword in hand.

© 2000 March (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)