Book 4 July 7 1984 to November 8 1984
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| 8409.23 | 8409.24 | 8409.26 | 8409.2 |
| 8409.29 | 8409.3Ø | 841Ø.01 | 841Ø.02 |
| Back | 841Ø.03 | 841Ø.04 | Forward |
Where do you find a Dragon?
I swallowed hard as I rode down in the chariot. I released my knees
and streched out from the fetal posision. I looked at my hands and the black leather
sheaths shook like dead leaves hanging on to a tree in a
tempest. I removed my sunglasses and stared at those shaking hands.
Paniced I tried to remove the gloves so I could see my hands. But my
fingers shook and I couldn't undo the latches. The gloves wouldn't come off. My breathing
was shallow and my mouth was dry. I clasp my fingers together and held my knees again. The
atoms of my soul were in turmoil I thought in Epicurian phrase.
= You can wipe off that grin,
I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of Lies! lies, ies, ies
=
~ Lost, feelings return
So now maybe, you can learn ~
~ Are you standing me up again? ~
Images and voiced echoed in my head and I became confused. Find a
Dragon! Find the holy grail? Kill the Beast! What
was I thinking!!?
""STOP!!""
The Colt and that Damn Bronc skid to a halt and the dust
flys up. I stumbble off the chariot and fall. My hands grasp
at the sands.
I cry out in agony and my eyes swell and my nose runs, but no tears
grace my cheeks.
"Where Am I?!" I cry out from my knees. Not even an echo
graced me with an answer. I was alone again. There was no one for miles and no one would
look for me.
"I Am!" I cried and no one heard. Not even the
chair.
The sun was high over head and it was baking out my brains.
Then there was a call. It was commanding and gentel. It wanted to
fight. I wanted to come but I was too tired. I climbed back in the chariot and yelled
"hoe!" The horses took off to the west. I looked at my shaking hands again. I
wondered if there were insects under there moving the glove instead of my hands. I
clutched the ebony blade and rode on to oblivion.
Where am I? I hear sounds. Festivities. Darkness begins to fade. I
see colors. Purple, gold, silver, . white.
All royal colors but white. Sounds, again. Cheering, chanting, clapping, screaming.
I sit up and look to a crowd of people. They are cheering some
activity. Sunglasses, gloves, cape, crown, and collar, I go to them. I push my way up
front to see.
Men in modern day armour stand hulking about. They
pat each others ass, hug and maul each other. They feel safe behind six inches of
foam and plasic. There are two teams. One is purple, one is white. They run about, smash
into each other, fight one another, pile on top of each other and limp away from the
feild. I see familar eyes behind the grid of a helmet. The Patient Traveler wears purple
and is numbered doubble nickels.
Once the feild is clear, women in purple and white (impossible colors)
and purple men with gold instruments strut out onto the field. They dance about and
contain the clowns and animals. They all act the same, they all look the same.
I stand and hollow talk to empty men, spectators of the sport. Millions
of white ballons float away, and the armoured men start again. Purpel wins 35 to 6. The
crowd disperses.
Where am I? I return to my .
chariot dumbfounded.
Cat walks by and howls out his mating call. I know where I am. The
horses have brought me to Death Dealers. I need to leave.
As my chariot crowds into the traffic, I see Death Dealer. I refuse to
give him a place before me. Somehow I knew he was off to see harlets.
Damn these horses. I was deep into Death Dealers lands. It would be
days in any direction to get out. How long was I unconscious? 14 maybe 15 years?
Thundering hoofs and a storm of flys circeling my head.
"Damn it! No!" I pull up on the riegns and stop the
rolling Thunder. I'm in a public square.
"Excuse me. Can you tell me where your king Death Dealer is?"
"No sire. He is out of the Kingdom presently."
"Damn, thats just like him. What about the warrior Cat?"
"The same Sir."
"Damn!!" I yelled as whiped the riegns
like the lightning to proceed the thunder. What ever made me pause and think that they
could help? I'm on a journey through hell! What .
(made) me think Death Dealer and his radiant crown of thorns
could help? Because he cares.
I stop the horses again.
"Sir. Tell me please, who rules in your sires absents?"
"He does, sir." the old man points a cripple finger. I look
and choke. There stood Dominator in his massive armour and his clenched fists. His steel
eyes peered down on me and he smiled. He spoke in iron tounge and told me of creulties to
cats.
I raged. My knuckels turned white as I grasp the ebony blade and its
jeweled hilt. No, I thought. Not for him. I spit at his feet and left. Why didn't my
mother divorce that bastard!
I ride the horses hard. Soon I'm in the dessert again. I stop the
horses and I walk about.
I see a dead bird writhing on the ground. Why does it move. I nudge it
with the toe of my boot. Several spiders, many flies and a couple of mullipeds crawl out
of the carcus.
Two minuets to madness. Under the shade of my glasses my eyes grow wide
and my stomache quivers. I turn away.
One minute and 5Ø seconds to madness. I take a step ready to . vomit and cover myself with puke. But I stop. I
clench my fist and narrow my mouth and eyes. I am fine I think. All is well. I swallow
that funny taste in my mouth.
One minute and 3Ø seconds to maddness. I throw up my head and
straighten out my cloak. I walk tall and proud to the chariot.
One minute to Madness.
I place one hand on the chariot and survay the dessert land-scape. I see no familar land
marks. My own trails have been blown out of the sand.
45 seconds to madness.
I look at ths sweating horses. I look at the setting sun. I sit down in the chariot and
breath in deeply. My movements seem slow.
3Ø seconds to madness.
I'm alone. I take off my cloak, fold it over once and toss it to the
back of the chariot. I lay the ebony blade beside it and my sunglasses on top of the cloth
heap.
5 seconds to madenss.
I look at the leather gloves covering my hands.
4 seconds to madness
I undo the velcro latch and .
the tear echos in my ears
3 seconds to madness.
I tug at one finger, the next finger and the thumb.
1 second to madness.
I put the glove down ... and a spider walks out and I see a silken nest in the palm
Madness.
I scream, no one hears. The horses bolt and run.
I awake in the night and the horses are grazeing. My eyes quickly
scan the darkness for a fear. My glove wriggles about toward me. I can see the spiders
inside. I feel movement in my hair. The flys have nested in that tangeled growth. I look
over at the ebony blade covered with the white silks of aracnids.
"Theseus!" I cry out. There is no answer. I see his small
weary body lay down upon the water. I know the Cat is out playing I remember that his brother Brown-wolf long ago joined the green masses
beyond.
I look to a hill infront of the setting moon and see the siluquete of a
winged lion. Some small apocolypse is near. I stake down the horses and wait.
Knight in white satin. Never reaching the end. Just what the truth
is anymore, I just can't say. For I am alone and it is
easiest to lie to yourself until you forget the truth.
I was having a dream curled up in my insanity, parked out in the desert. I
dreamed that the white knight, pure of cause and heart, walked into a cave. He drew his
sliver blade for the stench of evil was near. All the black insects of the cave crawled
past. They met and converged over the yellow and grey skeleton of the dead. Spiders in the
mouth, snakes in the eyes, flys about the head. These insects ambulated the skeletal form.
The stings of wasps served as its sword. It and the White Knight engaged in battle.
Neither won, niether lost. I awoke as the cave collapsed.
I awake in the night shivering. I am fully clothed yet I feel naked. A
shadow walks toward me. Sound fills the empty silence.
=I am a walking nightmare
Conversation stops when I fill a room. I am a menace, I am the demolision man.=
"Damn you, Beast. You heal to quickly for my own good."
==I'm back.==
"You said you'd stay away."
==No I didn't, fool. ==
"You said you would
You didn't
And I want to know why
And don't bring no excuses
You promised, man.
You promised, man!
You better explain
Though I don't know what the use is
You said you could
You couldn't
Now, why did you lie?
You made it look so easy
You did it
Why do it!
What was your point?!
Your laughin' while you tease me.
Oh, do you know, and Do you care?
I said I did
I shouldn't
Because I might be overheard
It happened once before
You see it
You steal it
And you take it away
And then come back for more
Don't say you would
You wouldn't
Cause I saw you myself
Its to late for your reason
You're liein'
You're liein'
You've done it this time
A Sexual Cheating!
Oh, Do you know, and Do you Care?
Cause I want you
Ooo, Everyday I want you
Pass me by, I'll get you
Yes, in the end I'll get you
Just watch me try
Oh, you make it hard
you'll be hard
but, I'm tryin' my best
Cause now inside I'm burnin'
You want it
You got it
Now take it and run
I'll hide how much is burnin'
Oh, do you know, and Do you care?
==Ha - Ha - Ha - Ha - Ha - Ha - Ha !!
If your quite through with your fantasys ... ==
"I speak every word in hate of you.
I spit my last breath at you in hatesake!"
==Ha - Ha - Ha - Ha - Ha - Ha !!
You are a fool! A puppet! A mere pawn in my game. You're ... ==
"Ha - Ha - Ha - Ha !!
Well, you can tell everyone I'm a down disgrace
Drag my name all over the place
I Don't care anymore
You can tell everybody 'bout the state I'm
in
You won't catch me cryin'
because I just can't win
I Don't Care Anymore
I Don't Care what you say
I don't play the same games, you play
Because, I've been talking to the people that you call your freinds
It seems to me there's a means to an end
They don't care anymore
As for me, I can sit here and by my time
I got nothing to lose, here to speak my mind
I Don't care anymore
I Don't care what you say
We never played by the same rules, anyway
I won't be there anymore
Get out of my way
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I Don't care anymore
I Don't care now what you say
Because everyday
I'm feeling fine with myself
I don't care now, what you say
I'll do alright by myself
Because I know ... "
The lightining flashed the Thunder boomed and the rain began to fall.
"Because I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face
Because you held the cards
I don't care anymore
And I really ain't bothered by what you
think of me
Because all I want of you is just to let me be
I don't care anymore
Ya here!? I don't care no more!
I Don't Care what you say
I never did believe you much
Anyway
I won't be there No More
So get out of my way
Let me by!"
I push him away. I cart up, unstake the horses and I prepare to leave as the Thunder
crashes. I tie on the ebony blade, put on gloves and cloak. I put on the shades and whip
the horses. There hoves join the clatter of the storm.
I leave behind a shadow. But you can't run from your own Shadow. I only
have a vague idea where I'm heaed.
I need a Magician.
I search for a Dragon.
I search for the Holy Grail.
I need a Kingdom.
Theres a scratch in time and it skiped a day and makes the evening
short. I'm going to search for a Mage. A master and an advisor. But I kee -
But I keep having the feeling that I'm an image crushed in time.
I'm heading to the West for a magician. I don't know what I'll find.
I look around at the speeding landscape. I see the moon following me
and very bad feelings behind it.
Suddenly this feeling overwhelms me. It came deep from behind my heart
and surounded me. The atmosphere was thick about me but the air was light and I couldn't
breath. My sides hurt and I couldn't be more pleased. This was the first time I've bee
able to laugh in a long overdue time.
I'm heading west. I don't know what I'll find. But I'm going to laugh
on the way there.
I'm alone in the dessert. Again. I've run out of illusions. I can no
longer laugh. I haven't been abel to cry in a long time.
I saw the modern knights charge on the feild again. White against
black. Purple against gold. The Paitent traveler was one of them. A silver knight. He wore
the number 55. Five the mystic unfactorable. Double. The limit I exceed.
I root for the White in this stalemate game. I root for McDuff.
For my shaded eyes hunted with naked intent and there was blood on my hands.
9 seconds to go to the end. I felt it would end no score. The ball was
born aloft and a very small man alone on the field caught it and ran. He ran for his goal.
Ran hard. And the crowds of Purpel and white cheered. I screamed my passionate suport. He
scored a 6 with 3 seconds to go.
The knights stood there for three seconds bucking the black knights
away. The clock ran out and they won.
As I left my exuberance faded. I realized it was only a game. I heard
that Death Dealer was having problems in the palace.
Time ticks ten after ten.
Time ticks ten till ten.
I was at a store that sold fantasy, but they had no flesh. It ...
pleased me. They was there a man. One I admired for his stature, not in a way the beast
would be pleased. He left then in quite some seemed hurry. After a moment I turned and saw
him collapsed on his iron horse, seemingly weeping. He then sat up. Breathed deep . and urged his stallion on. I had the feeling I
might never see him again. But its funny how many feelings are wrong.
Later I was at a carnival. It was run by childeren. It was grand. I
began to wonder what happened to Logan Atreyu, student of Begera and Baloo. I saw students
dance. They danced in a way that would seem to break there bodies. They twisted and
contorted. They seemed mechanical but they created life. The were good. I enjoyed what my
state of mind would let me.
Time ticks ten til ten.
Time ticks ten after ten.
Time ticks ten till twilight.
Some times I wonder if I'll make it.
I went to the house of moving pictures. The day was spent there. I
sat next to Loki as the lights went down and actors indulged little fantasies.
I saw there in the dark a man ressembiling my court advisor. I viewed
him in shame, nothing else. Loki was sitting next to me.
I'm still seeking a wizard. Tomorrow starts the season of the witch,
and I've been planning my desguise for quite some time now. May be I'll find a dragon now.
The witching season has begun. I have my disguise all figured out. I
shall take off cloak, crown, and glove. I shall put on an eye patch and go as myself. The
quarter moon smiles and I laugh.
I see this crowd cumming toward me yelling this chant. My eyes narrow
behind silver sunglasses and I quickly peace bind the ebony blade. I hear chants of Flesh
and gutteral yells. Each man wears a lock and every prositute calls out Love. Soon the
disgusting lot surrounds me and I hear the locks open and shut. I smell sweat and the
flesh encases me like a locked room. And they chant.
==Flesh! Flesh for fantasy!
Back to back, face to face
You see and feel my sex attack!
Aaaaaah_Flesh! Flesh! for Fantasy!
Oh, here I cum, oh, here I come!
Give me Flesh for Fantasy!==
And the Women scream
~ Come by My Love
Come buy my Love
Cum buy my Love
Buy my Love
Good my Love
Good Buy my Love
Good bye my Love!==
The men were locked holding empty cylinders and a fever .
with delusions of freedom. They puked on the ground and begged in there chains of gold.
the blind men were the worst.
The women held there breasts and kept that trap wide open. They stood
on there wobbly pedistils yelling and screaming
"Isn't there a man? A real Man?"
They called to me but I didn't cum. A few would lean towad me and fall from there crooked
pedistals only to be helped up by one of the begging men only to be kicked back down from
were he came.
==Give me Flesh! Flesh for Fantasy!==
They yelled
==Come buy my Love == they screamed back like harpies.
I travelled away disgusted and again depressed, low, and solom. I saw
an Angel and I drew the ebony blade. Holding out the septer top up and grasping the black
blade which put blood upon my hands, I yelled,
"Why! What kind of system is it when the good is
torchered like the evil. Why aren't they happy?!"
The Angel did nothing. He only faded away like the image on a turning
page.
I thought of Thesus, resting on his larel crown and wondered why such a
small man ruled such a large and empty kingdom.
Blind obsesion.
I'm walking through the dessert and sand collects in my boots. My cloak
traps heat and causes me to sweat. The annoying flies buzz
about my head, drinking the sweat, eating my flesh.
In the day its hot, at night its freezing. But I continue to walk.
Draging that black blade behind.
In the middle of the heat of a noon day sun I came across a boy. He sat
in the sand in a lotus position, seemingly meditating. I snapped my fingers and he didn't
move. His breathing was regular, not slow as it should be. I pulled open on eye and it
quickly darted to my eye then straight up, not stationary like it should be.
He wasn't meditating but he wasn't going to tell anyone he wasn't.
Then I noticed a Number on his Torso. There was nothing quite so
interesting about the Number but long after I was gone I lusted after the Torso. I could
hardly kept the sword sheathed.
"I hope there isn't any quick sand out here." I said. Then a
fly bit me.
*Picture of a silhouette with the glasses showing up in the dark. Because of the curly hair, the silhouette resembles a tree. Also, I think I should note the significance of capitalizing Number and Torso - they are the titles of Gay porno magizines.*
There was a flash of light in the dessrt sun. I ran toward that
shimmering light like a moth to a lamp in the dark. I navigated through the dunes to see
what else was with me in the dessert. Finally I was there.
I smiled. It was the Guilding Light. That beautiful Light of my past.
She smiled upon me and we talked of the old and the new and what happened inbetween. Then
came a familar silver chariot drawn by two strong white horses purged in the flame. Death
Dealer in his stately white robes and his crown of thorns halted by my side and joined in
the laughter. Soon the Light spoke we should leave. And we did.
Death Dealer reached out and I gladly excepted his long missing hand. I
mounted the charriot with him and he snapped the riegns. The snow white steads thundered
off pulling us along at lightning speeds. The wind was in my hair, there was excitement,
laughter, a long absent friend and meaning. I felt whole.
Then I had to go. Time again separated us. And I feel hole again. The
sun again burned . down on an empty sole.
I again began to trudge across the dessert. Sand in my boots, flys
about my head. But I think I saw a blade of green grass. Perhaps theres an oasis coming,
or perhaps I've again reached the edge of the dessert.
"Crucible." I said and scythed down the blade of grass with an ebony lance.
© 2000 February (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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