Book 4 July 7 1984 to November 8 1984
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"I call to the DNAL FO DETSIWT SGNOS. Not to your brother. Help
guide my words and counsel my thoughts."
~~What's the Monkey on your back?~~
"A Cage of freedom
Cast of power, thats my prision
Cage of freedom
growing smaller, touching the skin
Cage of freedom
Guilded treason, What is the reason?
Cage of freedom
I can't cry a tear."
~~Sing with me
Sing for the year
Sing far and near
Sing for the dear
Sing for the laugh
Sing for the tear.~
"I Sing with you
I sing for now
I sing only here
I sing those dear
I pray for the laugh
I have Sung for the tear."
~~Dream on, Drean on, Dream on ... ~
"Hello? Hello?! Hello! hello."
The void echoed endlessly the last phrase and my voice went dry.
Couldn't sing, couldn't cry.
There is this pain in my chest. I ignore it. Maybe its a wrinkle in my heart and not a hole.
Somethings wrong, thought the king, I can feel it in my bowels. I
seem lost in the nothing, no one is around. I hear Death Dealer;
"LXXX The first step to salvation is to watch over one's youth and
to gaurd against that which stains everything by madding desires."
I hear no others. I am alone.
The Beast went about his bussiness. I watched him from behind the
door. I got up, shut the door, and sat down again in the dark. I closed my eyes and the
land of Broken dreams attacked me.
Two wooden malards soared threw the air. I kept shooting at them but I
couldn't hit one. I threw down my rifle and it miss-fired. I heard a scream and I looked
over and saw a Cat dieing in a pool of its blood with a wooden malard in its mouth. I
tried to burry the Cat but I couldn't dig a deep enough hole. I kept digging and digging
and digging, deeper and deeper. Finally my spade hit and object and with
my hands I uncovered the skull of Adam. I stared longingly into his empty sockets.
Suddenly from those empty sockets sprang .
cobras. From his eyes to mine they leapt. Blood gushed down my face and I dropped the
skull, pulling the snakes off my my face. Wiping my eyes of blood and venom I stainded my
hands and dropped the spade. I opened my eyes in hell, and watched as my flesh froze. I
saw the Beast talking and laughing with Satan and Beelzabub. They pointed and I looked. I
saw Death Dealer and Theseus chained to cold stone walls, dieing. I turned back to the
three and they each tossed 10 pieces of gold to my hand. I caught the pieces of gold and
they cut my hands. I screamed denial and droped the coins reaching to free my friends. The
closer my hand came the hotter it became. Suddenly it burst in to flame and I pulled back my burning appendage. I screamed clenching shut my
fist and my eyes. No tears blessed these cheeks. I opened my eyes and saw heavens door.
Out of that door stepped an angel. Behind me I heard a growl. It was the Cat, claws
extended. It was a choise. My dreams or a freindship I couldn't have but didn't want to
lose. I turned to the Cat and he purred but kept his claws out. I turned . to Angle and felt eminate attack from behind. I
ran, ran as fast as I could to the arms of the Angel. I could feel the heat of the Cats
breath on my back. Suddenly I stopped but now it was to late. The Angel left and the Cat
mauled me and left me, alone in the endless void of the dessert. The sun beat down on my
back, mercilessly pealing, no burning away layers of flesh. There was no-one around at
all. I couldn't move my legs. My eyes slowly burned away. I lay waiting for help.
I awoke in pain.
"Crippeled by guilt and blinded by the signs. I've been waiting
for tommorrow all my life. Damn! Page!"
"Yes, Sire?" said an eager youth bursting into my chambers.
"Find me Death Dealer, or Cat and Theseus. I need to talk to
freinds."
"Sire, they're gone."
"Gone?"
"Yes, Sire. Last night they went out and got drunk I've heard some
storys of there intoxication. They are now recovering at other fesivals, trying for
Renisance."
"Drunk? Party? Renisance festival? They didn't tell me."
"I'm sorry, sire."
"Obviously I must not be good enough for there company or
parties."
"Perhaps they thought you bussy."
"I'm never bussy on a friday night, they know it. I just wasn't
wanted around."
"Sire, I ..."
"Go away."
I was left with sweat runing down my face, substituting for tears. They
satisfied the emotion about as much as rain runing down my face. A man that cannot cry is
only a shell of man, usally an empty shell. I could understand why I was left behind, but
I knew Death Dealer, Cat and Theseus didn't.
Today was Loki's Birthday. I'm happy for him. He has a life ahead of him.
I am confused. I am confused because I am worried and slighly satisfied. The last part pisses me off because I thought I was past
petty revenge motives.
A page came in moments ago. He carried a thorn from Death . Dealers crown. The page carried a disstressing
message.
"Elric is missing. do you know where he is?"
I didn't know where Death Dealers eldest brother was. I had seen him
shortly that day at the troll market when I was leaving my morning teachings.
I am worried. Elric has never before dissappeared. He means alot to
Death Dealer.
But something deep inside my royal soul there came a staisfaction. A
tarnish on a purple soul. Now Death Dealer was missing someone important. He was alone
calling
"Elric? Where are you? Hello?"
Damn, I'd rather face the beast than myself. Ha-Ha Ha!
That was a strange comment!
Elric lost and found. He came back with only one set of footprints
in the sand.
What a game of Chess. Death Dealer always plays so well. I give him a
change, a run for the money. But it never fails, he always wins. My one king and a Knight,
His King, his twoV knight
and two pawns. His silver swords clash with mine of bronze. The knights battle fercily.
Trying to protect . themselves and there
charges. One silver knight charges the brazen king. My Knight intercepted the charge and a
joust occured. One silver knight down.
Two Kings stand close at each other, always one square between them. I
am protected by a Knight. He protects two pawns with a knight running interferance. The
battle was closely locked. One silver knight down. The little silver pawns run for
sacturary protected by there Godly King. My king presuses the pawns. My Knight harrys and
dogs the King. My king steps between the Silver King and pawns. Silver sword crosses
bronze with one space between. The brazen Knight charges. One pawn down.
King protects pawn, running for santuary. king protected by
Knight. Knight charges pawn and misses. Pawn frees Queen. The White Queen seduces brazen
Knight, Knight dies.
One king stands only. Silver King and White Queen persue. I dont fear
the King, never will he bridge one gap between. I run from
the Queen.
Run from square to square unitl I find, four sides makes four corners.
Caught on a black corner, Death Dealer smiles and says "Check-mate." Then I
joked, "Yes, Check-your mate." White . Queen
and Brazen king in one hand together. Death Dealer laughed, too.
== Flesh for Fantasy ==
I awoke suddenly. I hated the land of Broken dreams. It's tempters were strong and I hated them.
"Bullshit!" echoed in my chamber.
I, starteled, looked to the blasphemous sound. There stood an imposing black figure, not
the Beast.
"Wake up!" echoed his words. He shook his black finger at me
and continued "I'm ... we're! Trying to make you half the villian you think
you are!" My eyes widened at this remark.
"You are nothing. Almost a Clyde in the American Tragedy." He
then turned into morphic gasses and faded away from my open eyes like the land of the
Broken Dreams.
"Something is wrong." I spoke as the King. "We have the
winged Lion, and the faithful Ox. Storms gather even though I hold back the Rain. Am I
heading for a minor Apocolypse?"
The night laughed at me.
"Hold back the Rain." I said to my wizard. Then I
realized, I don't have a wizard. Amazing what vanity can do.
---------------»STRIKE POINT«
I fell through space and I saw myself old. I was remembering the Day the World Ended. I saw a tenative Tangeling of Tendrals and the End of the Word Delight. I landed hard and ran then reached the Jumping off Place. "Only Sleeping." I said as I jumped, "Only sleeping." I said as I fell. I approched the House of Hope and Mercy in my desent. The door was open. I went in and felt the Dynamic Tension as I saw A Fish pitched up by and Angry Sea. Communist, Nazis, Royalist, Parachuters and Draft Dodgers marched on by and I saw a Philosopher screaming as he opened and shut a door. "The World ceases to exist on the other side of this door when its closed!" he yelled, "And I'll prove it! The worlds an illusion on a stage which is struck when I leave!" He laughed and opened and shut the door. "Never Index your own book, kid!" I swallowed hard and turned. There in the Self-Supporting Squirrel Cage I saw Candaules killed next to beauty by Gyges.
I screamed in the Quesy Dream and ran from Black Death, tripped over the Cats Cradel
and fell through the Ring of Steel. My McCabes Soul Grew Coarse was my only
thought as I landed by the Waterfall Strainers. Then came the Blackout with Only One
Catch. The Stinking Christian gave me Last Rites and I yelled, "Time Out!"
I was faced with the Iron Maiden and the Oubliette. (What the hell is an Oubiette!?) They
ask me who I am, I am slow to Answer. Soft Pipes Play On.
----------------ZAP - AP - AP - AP - AP
- AP
My (?) open suddenly. I'm in the hall, my back to a
window. Lightning flashed and I saw the Beast.
"Oh, you starteled me. I didn't see you through the shadows."
=No, You wouldn't, would you?=
He walked off down the hall. I looked out the window and the flys
buzzed loudly about my head and bit deeply.
"Am I a baby tuckoo or an onion that's infinitely divisible and
weak?" My question echoed throughout the hall and I fell to my knees.
I'm a poor king. I can't make the desisions.
Why can't Kings cry? It isn't won't, its can't. I tryed to go back.
I remembered the days when I was happy, or could at least
feel like I was.
I put on my leather coat. I needed to feel warm, but I chilled.
Strangers saw me and spoke of past times. One even hugged me and pulled my ear-ring out.
It's lost.
I was going with Cat and Theseus. They didn't call, they left without
me. I thought I'd have a good time. I stared at unknown faces and the bright lights over
the field. I was followed by tempters. I stood invisible. We won the game, I didn't seem
to care.
Cat told me of a party. I didn't go. I ate alone and realized.
I'm a Daytime lover with night-time fears.
I'm Night-time cruiser with Daytime tears.
I wear sunglasses so no one can see how hollow my soul is.
No one knows how it feels to be the Bad Man, the Sad Man
Behind blue eyes.
"Thought depresses and tries Me." I said once. "Only Second thoughts" replyed Chester.
"Where Are You!??" I screamed
throughout the court. My words echoed through the halls. My scarlet cloak fluttered in the
rush and my wreath of flys droned about my head. My heavy leather boots clopped in the
echoing halls like the hoofs of an ass.
Then I saw his Shadow. I ran to it, now angry not desperate. But when I
got there it was only a shadow. Nothing cast it.
I fell to my knees in that Shadow. I realized he wasn't there. I
realized that my court was empty. I never wanted him there, but I'd rather he, or anyone
else, be in my court. I fear being alone yet I seem to drive everyone away.
"Why!?" I yelled.
I began to pound at the Shadow.
"If your gone, why isn't there a replacement? I expected Faytra.
Not your shadow."
---Would I fit the replacement bill?---
I looked up. It was a black woman. She wore leather darker than then
night and silver spikes which shone like stars. Her hair was long and purple, cut like a
mohawk.
"No. You do not." I said.
---Standing me up again?---
"Yes."
I sit grimly in my throne. The Court was empty but I was expecting a
guest. Soul searcher was suposed to come. I guess he can only go where there is a soul.
I sit on this throne of thorns. A wreath of flys about my head and
reflective sunglasses over my empty eyes. There are black gloves on my hands and a scarlet cloak over my shoulders. My hands are fists and my leggs
are crossed. I sit in a shadow cast by nothing.
The silence is deafening. Twice I reach for my septer, twice I touch my
septer, three times I gripped the septer. Six times I refused the following thoughts. On
the seventh time I grasp the septer, I lift its weight and watch it glitter in the sparce
light. The shadow grows dark as I stroke the length of the
septer. Finally I pulled on the top and unsheathed the ebony blade and cast aside the
jeweled sheath. I swing the sword and the white light flashes off its jaded surface.
I stand and hold the sword high above my head. I let it shimmer in the
light. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, all the colors of the rainbow
swirled together on the surface of the ebony blade. I laughed .
to myself at these irrodecant colors, these rainbows in the dark.
I began to swing the sword about cutting the air. I pretended to fight
an enemy in the shadow but only I was there, alone.
I realized what folly this was and in the agony of solitude I thrust
the sword down and embedded it in the floor.
----Having a good time, honey? ----
On my knees, I leaned heavily upon the sword. I looked up to the thin,
muscular body of the sweating black woman. I viewed her black leather garb and her purple
hair leaned over to one side. She had open hands but a demanding stance.
----Honey, please stop torturing yourself. Marry me, let the pain end. I can give you
bliss. ----
"Bliss in hell? I think not. I haven't sunk that low yet. I may see you again, maybe even hold your hand. But I doubt it. I'll
probly just flurt with you and your sister some more."
----Suit yourself, lover. But someday you'll be mine, Someday. ----
"But not today!"
She faded away and I got up. I left the blade in the floor. I was alone
and angry. Angry and confused. But mostly Angry and Alone.
I lay naked and asleep. Two brothers team up on me. A nibus
surrounds me as night seeps over the land. Violent images flash through my mind. I have no
eyes, I have no face. I stand alone chained by lost time. I scream out and the sensuous
black woman with the purple mohawk reaches out to me and the voice of the void comes to
me.
==Don't you want to live?
Don't you want to live?==
"Night!" I awake
==Don't you want to live?==
"I get up!
Run to the wall like a fire.
Heat it up!
A fool of flames and desire!"
My court suddenly appears about me. Every page, priest, wench, bitch, and drunk. And they
Chant;
"See if we care
Take it if you dare
High in the air
Listen ... the wind
Dancin' 'n' the sun
Run boy, run!
Run for your life
Moven' on and on
Trying to survive"
"It be turned me on!
And I'll be chasin it all night long"
==Don't you want to live?==
"I said all night long"
==Don't you want to live?==
"I get up!
Run to the streets like a tire
And it helps!
Swinging like a bird on a wire!"
"Every where you go
Every one knows
All that you know
Everything you do
Everybody knew
All of you"
"LIE!"
I awoke in a sweat. I awoke in silence. I awoke alone.
"Cage of Freedom
Thats my prision
I'm jailer and captive combine
Cage of Freedom
Cast in power
All the trappings of my own desire
Blind ambision
Stealing my reason
I'm soon behind those inivisible bars
On the inside
Looking outside
To make it safer I bouble the gaurd
Cage of Freedom
There's no escaping
I complicated a world of my own
World of my own
My own World
Cage of Freedom
Growing smaller
Till every wall now touchs the skin
Cage of Freedom
Filled with treason
Changing sides as the loses begin
My suspisions
Try escapeing
As they set up the security
There's no exits
There's no entrances
Remember how I swallowed the key?
Cage of Freedom
Thats my prision ..."
==Don't you want to live?==
"Yes!!!!"
The voices fade away as did the darkness. I walked into the throne
room. The Shadow fell over the ebony blade, still embeded in the floor boards. I wandered
if the blade showed in the basement.
I pulled the blade out. I seathed it in a cover of leather. I dressed
my self. Wreath of Flyes, leather gloves, black shirt with high collars, black pants
tucked into heavy leather boots. I palced the sunglasses over my eyes, strapped on my
blade, and walked out of my castel, court and kingdom.
I try to stand tall as I stride to my first stop. EHT DNAL FO
DETSIWT SGNOS. I feel tall and there is a certain dance in my step. The strange backwards
music of the void hits me and I feel good. I kind of sing my next words.
"I'm leaving never to return
So now maybe, I can learn
Stop this World I'm alive
This time around!"
==Are we, Are we, Are we ourselves?
Are we, Are we, Are we ourselves?==
"Because seeing through these eyes
I lead a doubble life
No one will know!
So check it out! Now here I go!"
I turn and stride out listening to the voids last words.
==Are we, Are we, Are we ourselves?
Are we ourselves, and do we really know?
Lost, feeling return
So now maybe, you can learn.==
I gripped my septer toped sword at these words.
I ignored them and walked on. I had one more place to go before I start my journey and
hunt. I headed to the old mines.
I jump into my chariot and whip the riens. Colt rears up and whinneys.
We charge off into the terrain. The hoofs thunder about the atmosphere and I begin to
fear. Left glove holding and uring on the horses. The Right hand begins to carress the
hilt of the ebony blade for a sense of power. Under the sound of the hoofs I cringe as I
find the pathway to the mine entrance. As I travell on my breath grows shallow. I see the . entrance and suddenly urge the horses on. Faster
away. The dust is raised and through the haze I see a cemetary at the end of the road. A
greater fear of failure overcomes me and I quickly rear the horses about and head back for
the mines. In the thunder of hoves I sing.
"I can feel it comeing in the air tonight, hold on,
I've been waiting for this moment all my life, hold on.
Can you feel it comeing in the air tonight? hold on, hold on
......"
The thunder stops and I look into the mine. I see the emporer's eyes.
Eyes without a face.
"Well! If you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend but I don't know if you know who I
am
Well I was there and I saw what cha' did I saw it with my own two
eyes.
So you can wipe off that grin,
I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of lies!!
Can you feel it comeing in the air tonight? hold on, I feel ...
Well I Remember!
I remember don't worry
How could I ever forget
It was the first time, the last time
We ever met (met - met - et - et - et)
But I know the reason why you keep .
me silent sir!
No you don't fool me
The hurt doesn't show
But the pain still grows!
Its no stranger to you and me!"
Then from the shadows of the mine comes a form. A fimilar, sinister form. And he answers
me with pointed finger.
~~You can wipe off that grin,
I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of lies!
I can feel it cumming ......~~
The raging storm whirled about our heads and the flys bit deeply. I
drew the ebony blade and held it above my head in fury. Lightning struck the blade and I
swung it slashing the Beast. The horses Thunder off leaving all behind.
I let the horses run as I sat down and shook still holding the ebony
blade. I began to break a cold sweat and it ran down my face like tears.
I started to think about the journey ahead. The journey back into the
dessert to find and slay that Dragon that once held me captive. To make sure I'm never
again chained, afraid, or .... alone.
*Well, even we dark gothic gays still have musicals in our heads.
Okay, I think I should point out what this entry was about. I decided to visit the place
of my first homosexual encounter. 'The Emperor' is the man that first gave me sexual
contact. Mutual masturbation in his car, after he 'caught' me looking at magazines. I was
barely 16 at the time. He was a one time encounter. I for the longest time couldn't find
the place where we parked. The first time I ever came. Now nearly 3 years later - I
decided to confront this.
The song lyrics I chose I think stand for themselves. I always thought Phil Collins 'In
the Air Tonight' was a song about two gays that met on the street - each holding a dirty
secret over the others head - the fear of the lie.
I've fought this lie long enough. I can't change that I'm gay. I'm now out to slay the
Dragon (Society) that has forced me to live this lie. For me this journey had to begin by
confronting one of the most terrifying and liberating moments in my past. This was about
my finding and confronting this place and moment in my past.
Now the journey gets interesting.*
© 2000 February (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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