Book 4 July 7 1984 to November 8 1984

8408.17

    My arms are so sore. Sol circle dismounts then the fights. Oh, my arms ache.
    I helped Loki enroll then I rushed to the gym and there was no-one there. Cucumber was leaving and Coach Byrd said he wasn't going to stay.
    After a five minute workout I drove home and thought about Death Dealer.
    I remember being in his chamber the other day. He was gone, talking to his father and then changing into his black suit. I remember not moving, not taking a step for fear of disturbing something sacride *sacred*. But I looked around and felt inferior. This chamber full of weapons, music, and books everywhere. What amazed me was they were all on a different subjects.
    On his bed, "The Marienes Survival Manueul." Over on his chest, stacked one on top of the other, "Fish" then "Amphibians" then "Birds" and on top "Pond life". Down on the floor on top of a stack of Spider-Man comics was "The Turbine Engine." Over on a chair were three Hunting magizens. On his night table was "Ninja; state of mind."
    Looked the Tigers on the walls . and the alarms on the windows. His copy of a David Gilmore tape played and under the radio was a pile of white copied tapes.
    My vision is poor now. I haven't got my lenses on. This, my red book of villians, stares me in the face. I've writen in it all day long. I just finished Salem, tomorrow I'll wirte the Minds villianous powers down.
    It's so quite here now. Loki stays with a freind, my mother is off in studies and my cat wouldn't come to me, he only yowls at me. I can only depend on the Dominator coming to the house late tonight in the dark, on elephant toes.
    The DNAL FO DETSIWT SGNOS refuses to talk and the Land of Broken Dreams ignores. I am alone.
   I wish God weren't dead, but then if he was alive, I wouldn't be.

    Theseus, I hope your arm is healing well.

8408.19

    Oh, What a long but .... pleasant night.
    I went to the Gym that day, after all I was confused. Chris asked me wasn't I early and I said no. It was truth to me but a lie to the truth. I was early, so I worked out longer. I practiced flying, and hanging on the bar. I was tired.
    Coach Byrd then had me lift wieghts, physical wieghts, not quite as heavy as the chain on my cloak.
    I came back to my throne tired. I dressed myself in tradition with glove and colar. I sat and rested when a call came.
    It was the Young Militant. I talked with him in joy and slight sympathy. His stomache bothered him and strenuous action made his head throb in pain.
    My page then entered and told me I was suposed to be at the Young Militants side. She told him I would be there, then forgot to tell me.
    I apolized for the missunderstanding and proceeded to his side. We talked at greater length with eye contact. We ran some errands and watched dramas of the sound stage unfold before us.

Later we left and went out into the night. We laughed together there in the dark and we talked even more. We shared and my crown began to bother my eyes.
    The Young Militant had a craving. One I could help him satisfy. I was bitten on the brow in rapid succesions. I gave him the ambrosa he desired and we drove out far into the night.
    We stopped on a dirt road as the Young Militant drank the red wines for his own reason, and I ... I sat and watched. I heard wild beasts in the brush around us and the Young Militant too must have heard. He rolled up his window and spoke of how loud and desolet it was out here in the dark.
    I clasp my heart and shooed the flys in my wreath. The Young Militant spoke of his sister the Yellow Rose and then of the Women he'd had in his battles for peace.
    I heard a beast howl and I waited with my shaft poised. It howled again and I let the shaft fly and the arrow hit its mark . killing one of the beast. Never howl twice, I'll know were you are.
    He finished his Ambrosa and craved sleep. I took him back to Great Grandmothers care. He actually smiled to me as I began to leave. Soon, he said, he would be leaving again for his wars. I told him I'd see him again before he left at the end of this week, but If I didn't he was to give my love to the Yellow Rose and keep me in mind.
    I arived back at the thrown late that night, actually early this morning. I began to prepare for sleep, but I didn't do well enough.
    I turned out the light and I heard my Advisor whispering from another room. He spoke of the Young Militant, Cucumber, the Cat and Theseus. I strained to hear his plans, I strained to listen. That was my mistake.
    The land of Broken Dreams fell upon my head. The Darkness crashed in around me and the voices of demons danced about me. I was hot and drowning and false flesh pushed me under. I couldn't ... no I wouldn't fight it. I went . under and I awoke with stained hands once again.
    I looked in a mirror and kenw the truth. I still hadn't been asleep.
    I walked to my bed, and I crawled in. I slept soundly here, secure in my sheets.
    Today I stayed home. I never left. I only laughed until my sides split because Loki was trying to help me.
    It wasn't funny, I apresiated the help, but I couldn't stop laughing.
    Then I heard rumors of a Star-Chamber, then realized I now have to sleep again. I fear the Land of Broken Dreams, I welcome the DNAL FO DETSIWT SGNOS, but sleep I must, in the dark.

8408.2Ø

    Let the midnight Cowboy ride. To mourn the death of a crippel man, meant so much.
    No wonder it was a movie before it's time. They branded it X for there ignorance.

    Three days past an idea came to me and I shivered. But the more I think, the more I feel I will have to return to that . place. That mine shaft where I kissed the Imperors septer and ran, with the Beast on my tail. It's that place were too many things started I think. I tried so hard to forget. But it's a place I must face, alone.
    I think I'm preparing for a Secrete journey. Much like the Midnight Cowboy.

8408.21

    They all stood before me, stiff and alert. This was my army. They were all good men by appearance. But I couldn't stand to look at them. All hollow and stuffed with straw. It was today I discovered I had an army of hollow men.
    The void sang to me as I looked on there empty faces. It sang in a stringent rythm but it didn't suffocate the words.
=Are we, Are we, Are we ourselves?=
    Crown and glove on, cloak wrapped about me I took off into the rain. It was a light sprinkel, nothing to really get me wet, but theere was the constant threat of it becoming a raging tepest.
    "Rage Tempest, Rage.
Scare those under age.
    Rage Tempest, Rage
Help those past there age."

    Nothing happened as I walked. I tried to catch the sparse raindrops in my hands, but with my gloves on I could never tell if I caught them or not.
    I was walking toward that mine shaft. I was walking toward it. I looked down the rode, flys blurring my vision and bitting my brow. I couldn't see the mine. The terrain wasn't even familar to that mine.
    "To far." I thought, "I'm not ready yet." and I turned and walked north instead of east.
    The further north I walked the less it rained until there wasn't a drop. But the Sun still didn't shine.
    I turned away from the direction of fantasy books. I walked west instead of norht. I thought of walking to the Cats basking spot, but again I thought, "To far." I turned away and walked South instead of West. Thoughts of flesh entered my mind and I let my eyes wander about searching for it. A little black voice said look there, and over there and oh, look here. And I did. Suddenly I walked north.
    Then a fly bitt my brow harshly and blood driped down my face. The void sang to me again, the . words sounded so familar.
=Are we, Are we, Are we ourselves?=
And I thought.
    "Am I truely fighting for my rule? Am I really trying to get that Black Beast out of my court? I keep him as my Advisor! He influnces my every move wether it be as he askes or just the oposite to fiol his plot. I am fighting him!"
    I told myself and remembered what Loki said long ago "Remember, I can lie good, and your Advisor maybe even better, but no one lies to you better than you."
    I arrived home. In the courtyard stood the hollow men. I sat in my throne with that wreath buzzing wildly about. I looked down on the hollow men standing in the Sunlight. I reached out and knocked one over, hoping it would shatter. It didn't. The straw kept it from breaking and the others helped him up. There he stood again, smiling an empty smile, standing hollow in the Sun.
    I sat quitely, brooding in the dark. Looking forward to tommorrow.

8408.22

    I went to a party. A goodbye party. Coach was there, Death Dealer, Theseus, Cucumber, everybody. It was at the the house of a man named David and his sister. It was a goodbye party for a girl in the gym. She was moving.
    We all gathered in a pool, like some massive babtism. But it wasn't and the presence of Coach and Death Dealer didn't make it easier.
    I was glad to know the Beast didn't come. I simply relaxed and had a good time. I tried to forget the tire that blew up as I tried to get there and it's subborness to be changed.
    After the pool I rode a wild, motorized horse. My first time, my first joy.  A dream come true. We said good bye to the absent girl. Then we needed to leave.
    Because of the tire, Theseus wanted to lead me home but Death Dealer wouldn't follow me, and I can't blame him, so Theseus followed me.
    I got to the palace safely and called out to thank Theseus.
    I turned and I looked at my image in a shattered mirror. The Beast walked in and his image too was reflected. The land of Broken Dreams crashed . in around me, and I sang to the void, hoping for help.
"When there's lightening,
You know it always brings me down
Because its free
and I see
That its me
Who's lost and never found.
I cry to the mountains
I see them dancing in the light
It was cruel
I lost my home to the Shadows of the night
No sign of the morning worries"
=You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark
A Rainbow in the Dark
Do your Demons,
Do they ever let you go?
When you cry
Do they hide
Deep inside
Is it someone that you know?
So you're a picture
You're an image chrushed in time
We're a lie
You and I
We walked without a ride
No sign of the morning glories
You've been left on your own
Like a rainbow in the Dark
Just a Rainbow in the Dark =
"When I see there's lightening
You know it always brings me down
Because its free
And I see

That its me
Who's lost and never found.
Feel the magic
I feel it floating in the air
Call it fear
And you hear
Its calling you   ,   beware
There's no sight of the morning coming
There's no sign of a pain
I've been left on my own
Like a Rainbow ...
Like a Rainbow in the Dark."

I lay on the floor a crushed image in a shattered mirror. It was dark and I shook, my wreath bitting bitterly about my brow.
Images formed in the Nimbus known as the land of Broken Dreams. I saw myself at the mineshaft, I saw the Emperior. He had another and I was paying him for a look at the scepter. A storm broke out and I was in a rage. He took the money, then had I realized what I'd done. I went to the Cats, I hit his punching bag over and over yet the blood on my hands stained its blue cover. Others came in others that I knew and I only hit harder. There was rage and concern and then an Apocolypse. There was rage, there was rage . and lightening struck me down. That little sunshine in the shade was the last light I saw as I lost my home to the shadows of the night.
    Flesh or Fantasy I couldn't tell, water water everywhere yet not a drop to drink. Get the damn monkey off my back perhaps I could stand, but to do so I'd only fall.

    I awake to the black eyes, eyes without a face.
    "Am I really fighting you? Or only wishing you to go away?"
    Blackness came and with it oblivion.

8408.23

    I awoke early in the morning swearing it was time to get up. I knew the clock was lieing to me. I checked every clock in the palace, romping naked through the dark corridors.
    The clocks weren't lieing. I returned to sleep. And the land of broken dreams returned to its work. I <thank?>Cronus that woke me with a start and made me forget what it said.
    I dressed. Black shirt with hight collars, vest of leather. Black pants with hidden pockets and  boots of black leather, one with a squeak ... I must fix that. I pulled on my left glove, pulled it on tight. I used that left hand to sieze my scarlet cloak, and I chained it on.
    I left my chamber and a halo of flies formed about my head. They got in my eyes and my left tried to swat them away to no avail.
    I felt my pocket full of the gold of betrayal. 30 pieces here another purse of many there. It should be spent of my body. I don't want its wieght. I need to learn, I thought.
    I went to the courtyard of jesters called a kind of market. I signed the services of Masters and Sensias (Sensi's). I bought books. Thucydides, the Peloponnesian War; The Persian Wars, Herodotus; Sophocles, the Theban Plays; Plato, Euthyphro, Apology, Crito; Epicurus, Letters, Principal Doctrines, and Vatican sayings; Style; Intermediate number confusion; Questions that Matter; and the art of Responsive Drawing. I don't know what is in these books, but I hope to learn.
    But even after all this spending, even though my gold is almost gone, my belt was no lighter.
    I was tired and the flys bitt me hard. I had errands.
    I went to the Young Militant. Tomorrow early he leaves. He goes back to his wars. He was very calm as he emerged from the pool newly babtized. I said my goodbyes and sent my good wishes with him. He said he would return at Christmas or next summer.
I left, and started on my way to Death Dealers and Theseus's place. Nothing happened there. On my way house the land of Broken Dreams attacked me and sent brutal visions through my head. The wreath swarmed about and bitt me. Once home I looked out the window to watch the children play. The visions persisted in there obsenities.
    The Beast waited at the side of my throne, smileing at my visage.
    "Away! Away from me, please."
    "You think I would simply leave? Are you well?"
    "Oh, If only I could transform you. Transform you into something I need."
    "Give me a name and I'll be new babtised."
    "Then deffend me Tybalt!"
    "Where is Tybalt? I don't see him."
    "You fiflthy Lair! Leave me!"
    "Ha - Ha - Ha! What a battle you put against me." he said leaving.
    "How could I possiblely deffend myself? Ha - Ha - Ha!"
    His laughter echoed through the empty halls. I'm almost glad I can't cry, he's not worth the salt in my tears.
    "Page."
    "Yes, sire?"
    "Find a priest. Tell him to save me a prayer."
    "Right away Sire."
    "No, No, don't save a prayer for me now, save it for the morning after."
    "Sire?"
    "Do you know? Do you care? Leave me to my darkeness while I try to make light. Go!"
    The page ran off never again to be seen. I sat in my throne all night. I looked about and cringed.
    It was a Red Midnight.

8408.24

    And the King laughed. I can't even say Damn you any more. It's not even funny.

8408.25

    I sat as a King reading my fables. Two struck me deep in the heart. One was a story of children learning to be men and women. They have effected my life by being so real and safely non-existant. Nightcrawler was always one of my favorites. He had the appearance of a demon but the heart and soul of a man better then most. Someone wrote him a letter, and I realized how alone I was again.

    "Dear Kurt Wagner,
    I wanted to take a moment to thank you. Although we have never met, yet I know of you from the chronicles of you adventures. I have watched as you became part of the X-men, struggling to belong, to be accepted by some small fraction of humanity, if not by society at large. I have seen you struggle with demons from without and within. I have witnessed your battles with greater and lesser evils, surviving if not triumphing.
    Your mutation, your appearance, had made you different and apart from the world. Yet in my way, I am far more hideous to society than your outre' appearance might ever be concidered. I, for one, find you most handsome, for it is the souls of men that I see. It is that deviation which has made me an outcast. You accept, you are, you live your differences (a) beacuse you must and (b) because you are strong enough to do so; I, for many years, have cowered and believed the lies of those who feared and sought to destroy me, either in spirit or in fact. Only now, because I found another who can survive his tormentors, have I begun at last to live, love and be free.
    And so it is, Kurt Wagner, that I thank you for my life, for you have helped me to learn that my uniqueness exists not to torment me but to help others. If ever I may help you or any of your friends, call on me; the least I can do for borrowing your strength is to return it.
                    David M. Peabody
                    (address withheld)

    I put that book down and stared into space. He found someone to help him live. I have yet to find much more then myself. Then I picked up another book. This series of four chronicled the tales of a king. His name Namor I. He fought for his kingdom, the kingdom he abused. Finally there was a vote, and he was asked to abdicate. He said goodbye to his kingdom. The prolog read;
    "This man has always viewed himself as the perfect monarch. He has denied his weaknesses ... repressed his doubts. But he has learned these past weeks that represion and denial are cancers; that truth, however painful, must be faced. He has, at long last, found maturity and self-awareness, and through this agonizing process, has become ... not a happier man, but a better one.
    He is free ... to walk the land or swim the oceans! Free to follow his father's Quixotic spirit ... his mother's noble dreams. Namor, son of Fen, son of Leonard McKenzie, has become in abdication, the greatest King of all ... For at long last, he is King ... of his own Soul.
                            Finis
    I wish I could do such a thing. But I can't abdicate and face the truth when I'm not sure what the truth is, and the Beast will never tell me.
    I was with the Cat today. We were to do many/things. Such came to pass.
    But I couldn't help but wonder. In his cheriot he had a strange thing. Amung all the machines he placed the shell of locus, all brown, clinging to a bright green leaf.
    It struck me as myself, a dead shell hanging on desperately to life. But why should the Cat have it there. I didn't ask, it was from fear. I didn't want to find out if (he) was a shell also.

*The next person that tells me comic books are only for children and hold no redeaming qualities should go back an read the best of them - and how they effected the people that read them.*

© 2000 January (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)