Book 4 July 7 1984 to November 8 1984

8408.1Ø

    "Never give your love to another. They only take and break it, leaving you only the pieces. The more you live the more you Know.
    "You give your love and Grow. Even though to grow is pain Even though to love is pain. The more you live the more you know."
    The King fell to his knees and clenched his fist. His mouth opened . as if to scream. His eyes were bent and his mouth quivered.
    But no tears flowed from those bent eyes. No sorrow wett his check, no salt touched the sores on his lips.
    "Arrrghh!" screamed the King enraged and fustrated. He jumped from his knees up to this feet and turned to the throne.
    "Why can't I Fucking Cry?!"
    The King again turned and slumped into his throne. Doubt shrouds his head like a swarm.
    I know this is happening.
*----------------------------------------*
    "Why Can't I Cry, God Damn it?!"
I yelled and turn slumping into my throne. My Crown buzzes around my head bitting hard. My fists hurt, but I refuse to unclench them, until I fall alseep. Only then do they rest and relax.
    Outside the door the chamber maids talk.
    "He didn't even put on his glasses today."
    "He didn't! Well how could he see?"
    "I don't know! He's so near-sighted!"
    They ended there gossips and went on in there/work.
    And In my sleep two Ducks waddled across the floor.

8408.11

    I thought back on the day. I thought of everything I could. I remembered the third of four about six. I remembered 12 strands of DNA. I remembered BANZAI and DAZZLER I remembered Infinite Fanfare and the End of men. I greatly admired the pathways to Fantasy.
    I remember the Goblin Market and the little blind girl that exclaimed
"Oh, what a lovely Estate have we."
    Through it all I thought of Chester.
    "So," I said to myself in bed, "Even the most peaceful of hands can be clenched into a fist."
    Then I closed my eyes and dreamed. After all ... I have to.

8408.12

    I lacked tears and I couldn't shoot the Ducks. I left my castel and Drove far away. I needed new surroundings and familiar faces.
    In the silence I drove, and broke my own sancuarys silence.
    "Dealing with the Queen of Hearts, Love is always a gambel
And the Jester is the only fool Who will care to do anything for you."
    The clack of the wheels rolled on by and drove untill my head wobbeled. I stopped to rest and get food. I sat down and by came the . Gobin market, and I heard them cry:
    "Come buy our orchard fruits,
Come buy, Come buy: Apples
and Quinces, Lemons and
Oranges, Plump unpecked
Cherries, Melons and Rasp-
Berries, Bloom-Down-Cheeked
Peaches, Swart-headed Mul-
Berries, Wild free-born
Cranberries, Crab-apples
Dewberries, Pine-apples,
Blackberries, Apricots, Straw-
Berries; - All ripe Together
In summer weather -
Morns that pass by, fair
Eves that fly; Come buy
Come buy; Our Grapes fresh
from the vine, Pomegranates
Full and Fine, Dates and
Sharp Bullaces, Rare Pears
and Greengages, Damsons
And Bilberries, Taste them
and Try : Currants and
Gooseberries, Bright - fire -
like Barberries, figs to
fill your mouth, Citrons
from the South, Sweet to
tounge and sound to eye;
Come buy, come buy."
    I siezed a child by the arm and pulled him close. He dodged the wreath of flies about my head. I pulled out a silver penny and said to the boy
    "Buy me the Rain,

Buy me a Raven
Or any old thing that flys
Buy me the, touch of flesh
Or the seeds of Pomegranates
Quick before I'm to old!"
    The little boy frowned and handed back the silver penny.
    "I can't buy you love,
Or tears in place of experience.
I can only buy you the sun
and maybe a seed.
Then hope one nurishes the other
And love grows strong.
Live is pain."
    The child turned and walked away. The crys of the Goblin Market faded away with yells of "Come buy, come buy."
    I began to drive again but now I had my familar face. I was bringing the Young Militant home. He was battle weary and rested as I rode. He streched out and his feet touched my arm. I drove and relaxed enjoyeing his gentel touch.
    I set this mighty warrior off at his destination and I journeyed on.
    "I need a Dream Lover." I thought, "So I won't Dream alone."
    I walked into my castel and into my room, There sat a horrible sight.

"Good Lord! What has hell done? What is that flower you have on? Could it be a faded Rose from days gone by?"
    "Clever my King." spoke the Beast.
    "I thought so. Get out of my throne."
    "I think not." Said the Beast reclineing, "It's mine."
    "No, I beg to differ. It's mine. And I'll have it now. Or you die."
    The Beast chuckeld and crossed his fingers to gether.
    I drew a revolver, a 45 mag.
    "You won't use that." said the beast sitting up.
    "You sound un-sure. Let me asure you ..."
    "You are bluffing." said the Beast.
    Bang! rang the silence as the gold crown of my black foe flew into the air leaving his flesh intact. Tink, whimpered the silence as the dented crown landed.
    "Get out of my throne."
    "Yes, Sire." said the beast as he ran down and colected his Crown.
    I sat in my thrown. The Beast smirked.
    "Sire, I have something to tell you."
    "Out with it, then out."
    "I payed Chester to leave."
    "Lie!" I said and pointed the gun mere inches infront of his face. "Liar!"

    "No, No, Sire, I did." He was nervous. I could see it in his eyes.
    Pop! Went the gun. Out came a yellow and orange flag with the black letters B-A-N and G.
    The beast broke a sweat and smiled sheepishly.
    "You lie." I said. "Heres the proof."
    The beast meekly turned and walked out. As he reached the doors I called.
    "Hey!" he turned to me, eyes ablaze.
    Pow, went the gun and beast stifeled his yell.
    "Gotcha'" I said.
    The beast simply turned and limped out with a small orange and yellow flag in his leg.

8408.13

    "My King. I need to talk to you."
    "Oh, do you. Logan Atreau, you may go. My advisor and I have a few things to discuss."
    Logan happily left to fight another imaginary war. The foes may not be real but he keeps the Kingdom safe.
    "What do you wish to discuss?"
    "Sire, I wish to talk about the incident the other day."
    "Come to apoligize? I accept."
    "Sire, I didn't come to Apoligize. I came to get an apoligy."
    I laughed. I laughed a long time. "You must be kidding!"

Then the Beast broke out.
    "No question, there's no debate,
It's a stand off situation,
there's no time to arbetrate,
You've gone as far as you can,
To call in the middle man
So this is your policy,
You just don't wann' talk with me!"
    "Oh you are so right! I'm going to win this battle, Sealed with a hammer in the hands of the Children!"
Bang, said the gavel, and the Beast frowned.
    "Sire, you have been wrong!"
    "Ha!" I said in contempt and a fly bit my brow. It was small and didn't even make me flinch.
    "I'm going to leave for a time. But I'd like you to met someone. She gave me the faded rose. She'll probibly promise you a castel in the sky."
    The Beast left the room in haste and in flew a Raven. As the Bird fluttered about she became a Woman. A very beautiful Woman.
    "Are you the Bird-lady?"
    "No." she said, "My name is Faytra."
    "The Bitch?"
    "The Harlot." she spoke softly. She extended her arm to hand me a rose. I smiled pleased by . the act. My right hand extended and took the rose. The hand was pricked by thorns and bleed profusely. She only laughed.
    I thought her flesh to be lily white but as she danced about I noticed her African desent. As she sweat over her dark skin I became pleasured. As she danced she showed me her beauty and her treachery. Soon I found myself chained to my throne.
    My crown buzzed heavy about my head and began to constrict. The insects bit my brow over and over, hard and long. The pain grew. Two water foul waddeled across my floor and I closed my eyes clenching my black gloved left fist and clutching the thorny stem of the rose in right with blood dripping between the fingers. I screamed, long and loud.
    I opened my eyes and the Beast stood next to Faytra the she-wolf. Both of them smiled.
    I sat babtized in my sweat and blood. I laughed best I could in my weak state, it sound more like a whine.
    "Watching," I said, "Waiting, playing who's who." I look to the Beast, "I don't play to win," I look to Fayta, "Just to be second to you!" I look to the sky and speak to myself, "the door will open when I suffer enough.

Who will hold this hand when the going gets rough? Such good intentions always nipped in the bud. What do you expect? Well, you never could. If I stop laughing just to be at your door."
    I chuckeled lightly as blood ran down my cheek like tears. I turn to Faytra,
    "I don't play chess but I could play with you," I turn to the Beast, "Not much impressed not who do you do. I saw it coming, you, you saw it this way."
    The strength was back in my vioce. And I got up from my throne. I gave Faytra back her rose and smiled. Then I adress my Advisor,
    "I want you to draw the line. Why can't you make up your mind? I know about you but what about me? Excues all the time,
Blew away by 'high insight'
No more good advice, what about me?
I'm playing who's who."
    I walk out of the dim lite chamber and proceed to bed, alone.
    Alone as I always have been.
Alone as I probily always will.

8408.14 supplimental

    I had a strange dream last night. It was simply me and that new guy that can vault much better than he does floor. We call him Cucumber, I don't know what to call him, that will suffice.
   I had a dream that Cucumber was the wisest man alive because of every-thing he'd seen. He didn't travel much, didn't even act wise. But he could see what no other man could. He had the ability to see a man when he was alone. This made him very wise to man.
    That dream faded, and another started. I dreamed I awoke from a dream and went out to think. I went along way out of my kingdom to be alone. I sat in the night on the hood of my cherriot.
    "Killgrave is that you?" I heard.
    "No, It can't be me. No-one here is supose to know me."
    "It is you, Killgrave."
    "Who? who knows me here?"
    "It's me, Cucumber."
    I moaned and opend one eye to the night sky and look Cucumber in the face. His smile was large, his blone hair flittering in the breeze.
    "Oh, God, Someone out here does know me."
    "Hey man, what's wrong?"
    "What are you doing out here this late?"
    "I live around here, and I don't go . to sleep this early! It's only 1Ø."
    "I came out her to think, and I can't. So I'll probibly die."
    "Die! Your not going to try ..."
    "Suicide is the cowards way out. I'm not a coward. I meant die spiritually not physicaly."
    "What?"
    "I'm dieing inside. Just like every-one. We have to in order to live. But I have a problem with the rebirths though. So I just keep dieing and my problems eat at me like a cancer."
    "Want to talk about." he said.
    "Yes, but I can't."
    "Talking helps."
    "I know. But in my case, talk can either cure the problem beautifully, and that seldom happens, or destroy my world completely, which often happens." *Let's not forget I'm under oath not to talk about it until I'm 21*
    "What could be so bad?"
    "Confusion." there was a pause. "God, I feel like I want to get blitzed!"
    "Do it! Your eighteen, you buy the beer."
    "I don't drink. And I'm not going to start over this little war."
    "Why not?"
    "It doesn't adress the problem. It won't solve anything for me. I think I need to court danger and death."
    "Excuse me."
    "I need to tease that lady some . more so I begin to realize how important my engagement to life is."
    "What are you thinking about?"
    "I don't know. Hey, this is farm land. Have you any bulls around here?"
    "I can't let you do that either."
    "Your right. Do you need a ride to your house?"
    "Yeah, I could use a ride home."
    "Oh, your lucky, you have one of those."
    He gave me a strange look and I smiled.
    "Here," and I handed him the keys. "Unlock your door and get in. Then toss me the keys so I can get in."
    He unlocked the door and got in. He unlocked my door from the inside and put the key in the ignition.
    "No-one follows the destructions any more."
    I got in the car and started the engine. We started to move and I broke the silence.
    "Cucumber, have you ever noticed, a man is never more himself then when he's alone and no one is watching?"
    "Yeah, sort of."
    "Have you also noticed that the one thing man hates, is being alone?"
    "Is that what all this is about, lonelyness?"
    "In a strange sort of way," I stopped the car to let the two ducks by.
    "Yes, in a strange sort of way." I said and started the car again.
    When I awoke, I realized it was all a thought.

*Ever met someone that you feel you could talk to, but your very fear of talking prevented it from happening? His nickname was actually Pickle ("because that's how small it is" he would say). He was the first person I ever ran into that I thought might also be gay. It was something he joked about - but in his joking he accomplished feats of contact with friends that I only dreamed about. I was jealous of him. He also had a tendency to want to talk to me and try to 'cheer me up'. Though this conversation is completely fictitious - it was how many of our talks went. I think I scared him away - which I think was actually my goal. After I stopped going to Gymnastics I often wondered what happened to him.*

8408.14

    I came back to the castel after along drive. I walked through the courtyard, past the purpel Prince breakdancing in red underpants.
    I entered the throne room and gasp. Faytra was redecorating my throne in chains and skulls.
    "Haven't you forgot the flesh?" I asked. She simply smiled and wiggled her ass. I turned red.
    I turned to leave my cape whipping around like a slash wound in reality. I tipped my wreath to one side and marched off to find the Beast.
    I found him climbing out of his pit.
    "The deception with tact, just what are you trying to say? You've got a blank-face, which irratates Communicate, pull out your party piece You see dimensions in two State your case in black or white But when one little cross leads to shots, grit your teeth
You run for cover so discreet,
Why don't you;
Do what you say, say what you mean
One thing leads to another
You told me somthing wrong, I
know I listen too long
But then one thing leads to another.
The impression that you sell
Passes in and out like a scent

But the long face that you see comes from living close To my fears.
If this is up then I'm up but your out
out of sight
I've seen your name on the walls
And when one little bump leads to shock miss a beat
You run for cover and I feel the heat,
Why don't you;
Do what you say, say what you mean
One thing leads to another
You told me something wrong, I know
I listen too long
But then one thing leads to another
Then It's easy to believe
Somebodys been lying to me
But when the wrong word goes in the right ear
I know you've been lying to me
It's getting rough, off the cuff I've got
to say enough's enough
No question, there's no debate
It's a stand off situation
There's no time to arbetrate
You've gone as far as you can
To call in the middle man
So this is your policy
You just don't wan'na talk with me!"
    "So right little man," answered the Beast. "I'm the Master of the game and I always win. Prepare to lose the throne."
    "Never! Never will I surrender! You may be the Master but I'm the King! You win the battles . I'll fight, and win, the war."
    "I'll not remove Faytra. She's my Ace. You only like to worry about one problem at a time. I've given you two."
    "If you had balls I'd take them from you and hang them on the wall."
    "Which one, the one you can't climb?"
    "Damn you!"
    "Exactly. Lose controll and resort to names and empty threats. Then I'll win easier!"
    I stuttered and made several fists. My crown of flies slide back down evenly over my brow. I began to sweat and he laughed.
    I turned on my black booted heel and stormed to the throne room once again.
    "Out! Out! Out! Get out!"
    "But I was what you wanted."
    "No! No you weren't. Get out!"
    "That leaves the Beast in your Court."
    "So?"
    "You would leave him and throw poor old me out?"
    "You can come in when he leaves."
    "But I'm here now."
    "Get out now!!"
    "Your sure?"
    "Sealed with a hammer in the Hands of the children."
    "Okay." she said removeing the chains off my throne. "But remember, . I may not come back when you call." and she vanished leaving nothing but the dagger in my side and the laughter of the Beast.

8408.15

    And the little old lady smiled and said, "Look, If you're missarlbe *miserable* just realize ... Nothing lasts for ever." She left and I was smiling. It was then I realized, she was God.
    Death Dealer assulted my consciousness in his absences. "She is not God!" his image spoke.
    "She is, and so are you. Now get off my back." My mind saw him enraged but my crown made the image fuzzy.
    "Not God." he yelled, "God is faith."
    "I don't need your faith, I have Love." Death Dealers image faded and I remembered the old adage -- Love your enemys, Makes them mad as hell!--
    I looked out my window and I saw the void and was pleased. Then I heard a voice. I looked down and saw a short fat Italian with a beard. I waved to the Agape salesman or should I say to that beautiful Priest of my faith.
    "Have a good journey, Leo!" I yelled as I waved.
    "All journeys are good if you go . somewhere and try your hardest to do something you believe in while learning." He smiled big with his eyes alight and a laugh in his heart. He threw his arms open to the wind like this and was taken where he wanted to go.
    I turned back to my castel throne room and saw the Beast standing next to the throne.
    "Heh, hello my friend."
    "Hello," he said in contempt of my smile.
    "Have you seen Logan Atreau?" I asked.
    "Yes. I killed him." he said.
    "Well, Its about time." I said and sat down.
    "What?!"
    "Oh, It's okay. Logan doesn't die. You can't kill children, only there bad parts." The Beast growled and grit his teeth.
    "Beautiful smile." I replied with a grin.
    "Sire! ... I could!..." he yelled making a fist.
    "Oh, shut up and love me."
    "Sire!"
    "Oh, come on. No love is perfect."
    "Does this mean you except me?"
    "No, not as ruler. As a force, yes."
The Beast left the room and left me without a touch. His greatest weapon.

8408.16

    "Death Dealer, my friend. Good to see you again after so long."
    "Good to be seen."
    "I'd like to envite you somewhere. I've discovered a new plane called the Dreamscape."
    "'Great, mind if I invite a friend?"
I smiled pleasantly and say I didn't mind, but I lied. Actually I enjoyed the company of his freind, but I didn't see him much, Death Dealer talked to him quite a bit. To tell the truth, we never got to the Dreamscape I had originally spoke of, I subsituted another.
    Afterward Death Dealers friend was dropped at home, and Loki dropped. Death Dealer put on his black suit. We left his house and went to his home where he doned his red gloves, and I too put on the gloves.
    We sparred, and did reasonably well. He thought it strange that I should despise my left hand.
    "It's not the hand I actually dispise, it is what it represents."
    He could not understand that somethings exsisted only to be hated and despised to keep the balance of the universe.
    In our matches I battered my right hand into pain and shakes. My left never flinched, it was too well shielded, as always.

    I could no longer stand yet Death Dealer still wanted to go. I gave in, and we quit.
    "I'll pray for you." said he.
    "Oh no, don't pray for me now, save it for the morning after."
    "The morning after what?"
    "Just that distant morning. Never mind, just hold back the rain, at least you aren't lonely in your Nightmare."
    I went home then quickly. I went to bed. I lay back and I closed my eyes.
    "Sister of the viod, Bother to my heart. Come to me now, when I need you least."
== I answer your call ==
said the darkness of my eyes.
== I am here. You are now in the Borders of the Land of Broken Dreams! ==
    Images formed about me, and I was alone.
    There was a dead rose in a broken bottle, there was a false crack in the wall and there was  a scratch in time. Funny how I was never bitten by my wreath here. I sat in my wishing box, on the inside looking out at an empty world from an empty box. I still couldn't cry.

© 1999 May (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)