Book 3 December 13 1983 to July 5 1984

8405.08

. . * ............./ Stemming * * *this little diagram is still difficult to portray here*
* Thoughts -...from....-... Stemming - .Thoughts
....... * .........\ thoughts <...from.. ....../ .stemming
........... * .............. ..........thoughts < ...from
............... * .........................................Thoughts

Mirrors reflect - Mirrors are vanity - Mirrors of the day that
************* Worry me

*This should be backwards (letters and all). It is the ghost of the letter I had traced on the previous page* ,nomaD iH
ot toN ,evitAbEper DNA yills sihT bNif I tub, ECNEffo oN
! REWESNA eht ylbrah si sihT ! suolucIDIR noiTNEM
! YAD ECIN A evaH
TaC

Right side, left side, wrong side, front side, back side, upper side, underside, my side, your side, our side, there side, side ways.

Mirrors showed me this side, and that side then I stumbeled in the dark staring at that image. I realized I've sliped out of the track to what I want to be. Tonight I cleansed myself, tommorrow is black and white day. I start over, again (not fresh, not new).
funny how my left hand isn't scared.

8405.09

I'm in pain, but that's good. Black and white day is gone, tommorrow we clash.
I'm shamed in thoughts of Theseus.
Friendship is understanding not tolerance.
*drawing of someone holding a newspaper in front of their face*

8405.1Ø

All Hell's breakin' lose and the heat is tremendous. I am so tired and I will recieve no rest.
My many clashes lasted through-out the day - I even bought a new suit. I like it though. No, I don't wear the collar up, not on this outfit - out-fit, mis-fit?
I need a power surge, perhaps I have it even, but the power drain is enormus. I will very soon, enjoy some time ...
Stop yelling at Me cat!
I hear you but I can't
do anything, not yet.
Shut Up!!!

8405.11

A million to one, a million to War,
There are no Heroes and I'll tell you why
Justice died the day a million went to war
We are all afraid to die
Justice arose blind and balanced
One day someone taught her to see
See began to distinguish and Judged
Person faded and seaced *ceased* to be.
Judge a huge grey wall
She was crippled and senceless
Life is not for the innocent at all
It is why babies are deffenceless,
It is why Children die
And Adults suffer missery
There are no heroes, that is why.

This rewrite is less successful than the first. Three ideas were added, size whittled down, ryhme changed, point lost.
Think I'll try to write it as a sonnet (Shakespherian) or a Villianell, maybe even as a ballad. Those would help the "Form substanciate the content"
I will write this, its one I need to write.

8405.12

Left (one), Right, (two), Left skip (three and a half), left hand, kick! Right hand, keep it straight! Pull your feet together! Let them fall down, don't hit the Bird! Feet down, hands up, . Chest out, stand tall, Arch! Watch your hands, arch! Hands down, feet up, feet over, pike! Stand! Hands up! Stop! Breath now.

Round-off, flip-flop or
Round-off, back-handspring

What goes around comes around, Life is a puzzel that flip-flops.

Tommorrow is Mothers day.
Need rest - Dominators mother comes first.

What the hell is this award for God Damn it!

8405.13

Heh-heh- My new suit is nearly hemed. The legs shortened, the back tightend.
Damn the ignorance of approval,
Damn Dominator, my "Father",
Damn his forgetfull mother,
and Fuck the Temptor next door to the sacred, with his balls hanging from his pants and his trival conversation and moderate apperance.
Because of him I stayed out too long and my flesh burned in the sun. I promised that wouldn't happen.
Damn Life and the coming of Death.

8405.14

I picked up my suit, all newly hemmed, ate and readied myself for my blind date.
Finaly ready, I showed up early, and awaited news of her apperarance, and personality and the reason why she wanted me.
She was late, as usuall, her personality the same, her looks a little more flashy than normal but worse than ever. But tease that she was she invited others along. They knew why they were there but not I, and she had no intention of telling, not yet.
"Mrs. Fukkerfaster, why am I here?"
She smiled and teased me on. She talked to the others, addressed them, gave them recognition. I became hot, fustrated, isolated, and then I suddenly realized.
=I want up there now. I want the recognition. Please just talk to me. You've talked to everyone else.=
Then lastely, I was called upon. She gave a false recognition, shook my hand, then stoled the light.
"Let me, Fukkerfaster ... " and she whent on mumbleing nothings, sweet-nothings, but nothings none-the-less.
I gave the awarde to my mom, she deserves it, I won't give it up and take it from her.
I went to Death Dealer, . we talked, first time in a long time. He knew instantly that I had been on a date, but I didn't say what kind, nore did I tell him he was wrong. Judas lied.
He lost his ball-game, I hope he enjoyed the food and the time we spent together. (Why I wonder, did I put food first?)

Mrs. Fukkurfaster, you look great dressed in that tangel of red tape, and that purple hair makes the outfit. Please, show this beauty a mirror, lets let her straight that tie.

*I was given a 'Presidential Award of Scholastic Recognition' for having grades high enough to be in the top (?)20% of my class. I was given a notice to be at the ceremony. I wasn't told for what. Mom made me buy a suit (I insisted on all black with a blood red shirt). I was kind of hoping it was in recognition for something I had done in art. I never really studied hard - I didn't think my grades were that good. I felt it was all a sham.
After wards I went over to Marc's (Death Dealer's). I was still in the suit. He asked why and I mentioned being on a 'blind date' (as I called it because I had to be somewhere and I had no idea why). He thought I had been on a date. He thought I meant a date with a girl. He tired to pressure me into revealing who the date was all night. I wouldn't give (I had nothing to give). I didn't tell him it wasn't a date because I liked the idea that I might have been on one - and I had to know if I could keep a secret about who I was on one with.*

8405.16

Missed a night by right of sleep.
Dead on my feet I had to be alive for the morning test. I think I passed with reasonalbe marks. I am still alive.
I still need sleep.

'Night
**** DDK_ *Skull insignia*

(notice there is no Good) Villian Time, you rob me of my vitials.

8405.17

I walked backwards down the street, doubting my own existance. Suddenly there was water, light and voices.
"Don't look back, look straight ahead, don't look back, yesterdays gone, Don't look back, face it strait on."
I turned to the light in darkness and asked, am I worthy? That Guiding light only smiled and handed me two things. The sticker of a child, and a set of 3-D glasses.
I smiled and started to put them on, then she frowned.
"Damon, you already see in 3-D, your child is just the right size. You are honey don't worry."
So I turned with a smile and leapt into the torental waters and laughed as I rode them through.
My eyes have a face, it may change but with all grace and sincerity.

Thank you Guilding Light - you are the best Guide I have ever had.

8405.18

Judas? Are you real?
Yes, answered he, the feelings of Love, guilt, and traitorism exsist.
Beast! You black infernal thing! Are you real? Do you Exisist?!
Laughter echoes in the blackness.
=You tell me =
Answer me! I demanded. Answer Me!
= No = was the reply.
Let me put down this spepter, its heavy and you are responsible.
= No, I don't make you hold it. True, I gave it to you but I don't force your hand to grip it so =
I had a dream about you, I dreampt that a prince came, struck me down, then helped me up. He drew close and you vanished in fear.
> Heheha, Was it fear or revelation <
What do you mean!? I asked.
More laughter, more darkness.
What do you mean!!
>You tell me < was the snide retort followed by laughter.

Damn you Mentalo, Let me Graduate -
Father Death let me live,
Brother Death Dealer help me.
Judas hold out a little longer, don't except that price, don't give me that kiss just yet.

Please.

8405.19

Judas! How could I.

Death Dealer I must apolize. I spilled something white over the way I saw you tonight. Only white isn't innocent, I haven't got a color that means that.
I'm not apoligizing for this action, only the way I went about it, and the fact I did it to you.
It felt good, what I did. The images I created from that glimpse were pleasurable. I'm sorry I fell that way but I do. Thats why my name is Judas, and tonight you were Crhist - innocent, unknowing, and deffenseless

I can't find the words for what I'm feeling. I am sorry, yet not sorry, I am pleased yet dissapointed in myself.

This is ironic, I've been laying here writing, lieing here in dried cat puke.

I must say thought, it's about the size and shape I expected though much darker. It contrast from ther rest of his flesh much like the Angel.

*The Angel refers to the name of a model in one of the porno mags*

8405.2Ø

Damn the water in my viens! Judas continues to cry for his crimes and the Beast is in hysterics. I babtize myself everyday and it feels good. Yet I have no faith and I usally have wine in the water.
How is it I've come to know three Mystic Warrior's yet fail to have the vision or the control to become one myself. Three! Death Dealer newly babtized tonight. I thought I might stop at his house of Crosses and watch this cerimony. But I did not wish to muddy this pure act with my unclean presents. Brown-wolf has told me of a cerimony he will undergo, I will not go to to this either. Theseus I don't know about you. You are nobel, knowldgible, and skilled - but are you real?
Guilding light, are you sure I can see in 3-D.
*Drawings of wolf's head hat over the face of traditional Black Foot war paint, A hooded figure who's eyes pierce the shadow over his face, The head of Roman solider with the bristle top hat. (respectively Brown-wolf, Death Dealer and Theseus)*

8405.21

It's almost time to fly the ... the ... Coop doesn't sound right.
Purple robes and square hats with tassels. A riddiculous ceromony for flying.
I have a Desinty*Destiny* to make, not a fate to indure. I need to make will power if I don't have it.

Bless my unborn child that Mystic Warrior that will never know me. Damn the man who kills him before he's born.
That means, damn me.

8405.22

This vivoility begins to wear me out.
I wear my suit tommorow, go to work, shool, rehearsal, "Graduation" and a party of sorts.
Think I'll wear my collar's up.

8405.23

No storm clouds this time. I think its because it was my graduation. I watched friends graduate and there were storms as I wondered. I think ther will be storms when my children graduate.
I like what Shrog had to say. Rainbows. So much happend.

I'll continue writing here tommorrow.

*Coach Shrog - speaker at the Graduation ceremonies. He's speeches reminded me of my Grandfather.*

8405.24

Graduation looked different from down were I was this year to were I was this year.
Yearbooks were the fun of the day. Hi I remember you, please I'd like to remember you always. give me a hug and a warm fuzzie.

To much Sanity may be madness yet the madest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be.

Live the way you like,
Like the way you live.

Fighting for peace is like Fucking for virginity.

Life is like a penis, when its hard its getting screwed, when its soft you can beat it.
===================
Go for it Indiana - give 'em hell Short round!

Valkery will see this tomorrow I'm sure.
** ~

8405.25

Warning to those who read
You view deep into the soul
of a man who is not yourself.
I am the Mystic of an Atomic Age,
A master of imagery
Who strikes at conformity.
I beg you, be strong and willing,
Look deep, very deep into my soul
Pull off my purple robes!
Rip off the sticky maskes!
Plunge through the illusions!
Realize my hard realitiy!
Dive into my soul, my magic
Decifer my mystic ruins.
Then help me start a fire
When you realize I'm not a man
Simply a Shell, a reflection, of you.

First it was hot, then wet, now its cold. With the night comes a terror of of the chill. It seeps in around you, steals from your body and numbs your limbs. You crave the heat, any amount just to get rid of the cold.
But when the heat comes you fear the monster Burn. As your flesh begins to smolder and you scream in pain, you pray for the cold. Any amount just to rid yourself of the agony in the heat.
In the heat of passion, in the heat of battle. The chill of lonelyness, the cold heart of war. When you . combine the hot and the cold you are not warm, cool. or comfortable. When you combine the cold and the hot you are in an unnatural state witch is not agony, numbness, or comfort.
Sex and violence, society admires these. Yet it can only have one or the other - the combination is unnatural. Whips and chains turn me on in the passion of the kill. Something is wrong when Fuck you is the ultimate in violent put-downs.

Are you offended? Amused? perhaps you agree?
I have news for you. I laugh at you all. Yes, laugh!!
You pass judgement on me and I laugh at your bias because you cann't judge! There is no Justice, none, thus not you, or anyone, not even God, can judge anyone.

One last thought - As children of the son we are creatures of heat divorced and exiled into cold of space -

Damon
* D'artagnon
** / Killgrave _*skull insignia*

8405.27

Yeah * I skiped A day, and I meant to. Stayed up late and didn't want to talk.
Just finished listening about Lenny Bruce. I tend to amire that man for what he said, when he said it. His talent was vast, his vision infinet. If only he could have tolerated more. His tolerance though was his humor. He often performed in his overcoat so that when arrested he could just go. Save the police some time.

It was the calm struggling alien's birthday. He is legally a man.

It's late, I'm going to bed now. I don't have to get up tommorrow but I'm going to bed tonight, now.

8405.28

The Darkness parted and Sun rose with illumination. But from the shadows the Sun cast the Beast stayed and refused to release his grasp, his comand.
From my bed I was awaken by his music. He supplyed me with visions of lust and passion and I supplied the desire. The music that flowed through my ears moved my body and I danced. I danced . to the lilting music of passion. I droped to my knees and threw back my head parting from my regular ceromony. I closed my eyes and let the visions of other dancers fill my being. I felt them as I felt me. My hips churned in rythm to the music. one hand caressed my face and the masks of the other dancers, the other held the staff of my Kingship.
I danced and danced. I felt so good. I smiled as I whiped around in the spasms of my pleasure. I danced until my body puked.
The vomit oozed down the soiled staff and over my smitten fingers. As I looked at my hand covered in the sickly puke I realized what the beast had done.
Quickly I looked around for witness and hurryed to cover up this deed by washing my hands.
Water! I need water to cleanse my hands. Where is the water? What's this? a baptismal? It has water, water to cleanse.
I dip in my hands and the vomit oozes out and the water becomes unclean, just like my hands.

Two more hands are seen at the edge of the baptismal. They are white hands shaped like skulls. I look to the face of the hands and see a fimalar christ-like visage.
I fall to my knees as Death Dealers blood drips from his forehead. The waters of my baptism missing the bloods purifing touch.
I knock over the water and let it spill into the mud. I grab the staff and ask,
"How can I live as King when my name is Judas."
I drop the staff and the Beast laughed, and relinquished his command of the day having had his fun. Then I turned and noticed even Death Dealer was an illusion.
I locked the staff away and tried to cleasen myself in bath. But I fear as King I am like Macbeth for the vomit will not come off my hands after I have murdered the visions of my friends.

8405.29

Have you ever had a day go reasonalby well, then sit back and reflect on it, then suddenly think too much and realize you had terrible day?
While talking to my friends, Judas posed a question and when . I answered I was very angry.
I don't know who I was more angry with, Him, Me or the Beast.
Hunt your evening meal elsewhere you beast, Damn you Judas for not letting me answer, Damn you beast for choosing an innocent! Then there is I, who let it all happen.
Once I realized all this then what did I do? I alowed no-one to touch me and I punished myself then chased after borrowed Remarcs and Theseus' sword.

I've contemplated murder twice, and suicide once then I remembered Macbeth's brave words to counter the verses of "An Athlete dieing young."

Judas prays forgiveness in his scream, But he won't repent.

8405.3Ø

One day as I traveled I met up with the Idiot. He followed me where ever I went and talked constantly of nothing as if he could not stand the sound of silence. We met several of my friends along the way and I met them as they usally met me, yet stayed the same to the Idiot.
After one of these trying incounters and a failed attempt to lose him in the grey masses about me, I . turned and faced him with a smile. I reached across my face to my forehead and pulled off a paper-thin mold of that smiling face. With a stern frown I handed that rubbery grin to the dumb-founded Idiot.
As he inspected the mock-fisage he asked "What is this?!"
"You tell me!" I snapped back.
"I don't know!" He raged in dumbfoundment.
"Feel it." I said in stern sarcasm.
"This side is smooth and skin-like."
"The out side is love."
"This side is rough and sticky."
"The is rotted hate and anger. Together It forms the perfect Mask."
The Idiot looke at me strangely.
" I am the Master Mask Maker.
*I am happy to say I've been a faker,
*For the die my art dies *I think that should be 'the day my art dies'*
*Is the day doves learn to cry.
*But when a mask ceases to be
*Comfortable it should no longer
*Be used. This relation ceases to be
*For that Mask I can wear no longer."
I turned doning the new mask and walked away. The Idiot still stands holding false face.

I am a Mask Maker
I make a mask for any occasion
When we yell at each other
Through our Metal grates
We hear the Dove cry

I am the Master Mask Maker
I am happy to say I've been a faker
for the day my art dies
Is when all doves cry.

I am a Master Mime
My face is permanate
But my actions gracefully change.
I may make a dove cry
But my actions help them to fly.

The sun wore a mask today. I think the Son wore one all the time. I noticed today, Angels wear hoods. At least devils walk naked in the light.

Copyright © 1998 August ( © should be implied by date writen, © reflects web publication)