Book 3 December 13 1983 to July 5 1984

8404.2Ø

The pursute of an image begins. Brown-Wolf has given me images of his past, his future, his present, and images from the land of dreams. My eyes grow full of the image I see. I hope the image comes to the paper clean, and then that Brown-wolf likes and enjoys the image I see.
Its "Good Friday", the day of some religious sugnificance. The day of Christ Suffering I head - I can't remember. It rained. The sun never shone, the clouds never ceased to cry. The teacher of Life said it nearly always seems to rain on "Good Friday".
I remembered four very pretty ladys today. They bore the rain well and felt they needed a break. Two withered with age, one apart from home, one trying to hold one together. Great Grandmother, Grandmother, Mother, Aunt ... here is a gift of joy and love, except this rose.
These beautiful ladies took the offered rose and held it firm, never hurt by the thorns, then returned a smile. I felt good knowing I brought them a temporary joy. The guilding light said, "One of the most beautiful things I ever saw was a rose, just about to die." Beacause the most beautiful things are temporary.
Joy is so fleeting - and beautiful.

8404.21

Where are you God damn it?!
Death Dealer! You said you would go! Answer my calls! Death Dealer!!
Theseus, are you there? Is Death Dealer with you? Theseus?! Answer my calls damn-it.
Fly! my trusty stead. Fly! Take me to the homes of those I need.
The homes were empty and locked. There were no lights, there were no people.
My stead was very hot. I let it stay that way because I too was hot. No at home, not the house of crosses, still not at home, not where they said they would be. And I was late getting there because I was looking for them.
I did nothing there or close to it.
Aunt, Grandma, and Great Grandma were home, I knew they were. But I didn't go there yet.
Death Dealer! Where were ... Death Dealer? Theseus? Damn!
My stead was again hot as I drove him hard threw the rain. Drove him home. There I changed, then went where I knew people were.
I was feed, I was loved. I given ideas and coversation. But his Cat kept clawing me.
I watched men die in search of gold. There greed raped the earth but survivor found love, and left the gold. He was very . smart.
I tryied to stay. Stay in this coven of love. But this wasn't home. I had to leave.
I drove my stead hard but didn't let him get hot. I sped through the darkness and the rain, almost unable to see. But where I was going, it was like the back of my hand. It was like driving home.
Death Dealer? The house was open and lights were on. I rode past.
Theseus? Lights were on and the rain stoped. I rode past.
Brown-wolf? No lights the door was closed, but the horses were asleep - he was there. I rode on.
Each turn was like going home. The stead knew the rodes - even in the dark. But he also knew not to stop. No, I couldn't go in.
I just needed to know they were there, and they were safe. I knew I wasn't alone - but I knew they weren't there also. Not always anyway.
My colt and I went wondering in the dark. When we came home - two new objects made the rode seem different. I stabeled my horse and came in to the yelling of my cat. He clawed me, I feed him, I wrote.
Soon the lights will go out and I'll sleep . ... alone .... as always.

8404.22

Dominator ... Fuck you.
Yes that's right Fire Truck without the -ire Tr- you. Uff-da! even.
Aunt, Great Grandmother, and I set the channel. Grandmother and mother sit and watch. Dominator grummbles and rises from the dead. He, without hesitation, reaches out and changes the channel. I then promptly change back the channel of Grandmothers T.V.. Dominator grew red and reached to change it back. In fury I slap his hand and the station stayed.
"There are two other T.V.'s in this house. Go to those instead of change ours."
Dominator raged and stomped off in anger to put on his heavy armour.
Later, almost as if in revenge. Mother comes down to me in exasperation. "Take your saddel off Colt."
I knew, and was correct, that Dominator in all his armour over-powered my Mother and made her do the dirty work.
I took the saddle off and said my apoligeis to Colt. Then silently prayed that Colt would faunch and buck under my damn father, but I knew his Armours massive wieght would . make that impossible.
Then Dominator turned to me and handed me a whip, a hammer, and a cross. And itterated the following.
"The whip to drive the insects, a hammer to soften there shells. I just feed them, it should last them all week. Here," and he tossed me a penny shilling. "Nothing on the Charriot works - fix it or live with it."
"I'll live with it - thank you." and tossed back the penny shilling. I turned and spit, then uttered profanitys under my breath as Loki went to father and smiled. I hugged my mother.

I now prepare for the day ahead. The Cross Dominator gave me to carry will be heavy. So heavy I don't wish Death Dealer to see me at all lugging it along in seething anger.

Stay away from me Dominator, I wouldn't hugg Hitler either, he even asked.

I was taught by sight,
I even saw some light.
But then I look with eyes,
One man do I despises.
He happens to be my father
His name is Dominator

*One more episode in the struggle between my Father and I. My Father was often inconsiderate like this. Btw' the car thing. I was told I had to trade cars with him so he could drive to a business meeting in another state. I was left with his car (I think the "Nothing in (the car) works - fix it or live with it." speaks for itself.) He was also supposed to have it back in time for me to have my own car for Senior men's. Also, for my father, most of the time things like hugs where expected - then demanded, not asked for.*

8404.23

It's all a joke. And the Cosmos laughs at the word Love.

8404.24

My stomache is ill.

Nothings new with Death Dealer - that's a lie, he just doesn't talk much - thats normal - but agrivating.

Brown-wolf makes a Teepee.

Senior Mens is this weekend. I'm going. I'm going to be carefull.

My stomache hurts and I'm tired.

Mentally and physically tired - tuckered.

Time ticks and ticks ten till ten Time tickes past tieing Me.

Music makes me muse - mundanely My meloncoly mind muddels

Chamelon lieing in the sun? - Slade
Tainted Love ? Soft Sell (heh-heh)
Rebel Yell? White Wedding? Sister Shotgun? Billy Idol (hmmmmm)

Life is a Vagabond Zoot ----~
"VZ studio's, Jimbo speaking!"

*Drawings of hands. Pointing down to the wrist. Pointing in to the palm of the oposite hand. Pointing down to the wrist. Pointing in to the palm of the oposite hand. Pointing down to the wrist. (I think this is sign language for something, but I can't remember for what) then written I'll be waiting.*

8404.25

I wet my pants from a black picture. Joyce was right - first its warm then its cold and wet.
Black pictures in the dark of night. Brown-wolf wants me to take his picture, but I won't let them be black, not even in my mind.
Brown-wolf took part in a legal rebelion. With a Rebel yell he cried more! Rebelion against authority is unlegal - Rebelion can be organized but if it is controlled it serves no purpose in matters of authority.

These pages reflect thoughs of a day or a moment. I dreamt I crossed a bridge and told Death Dealer of the Beast, knowing I would die soon. When Death Dealer heard of the Beast he turned and walked back over the bridge. I stoped him on the bridge "Either talk to me or hit me but don't be a nothing and just walk away." That earned me the fury of a rabid Pnather. His large hands and his steady feet pummeled me. I deffend myself as best I could, which was marginal at best.
"I hate you - don't you ever touch me!" he yelled and I realized I touch him less than I touch strangers.
In his fury he fell off the bridge and I caught and held his wrist - he promptly siezed mine and cried out . "Don't Let go! I don't want to die." I promised to hold on as long as i could and pull him up. Then I felt the first pang of death and prayed to any God alive to let me live long enought to help Death Dealer.
Underneath Death Dealer knew something was wrong and asked what. I pulled him up and lied as I quivered in pain. I was dieing quickly but at least Death Dealer was safe.
"Read my Journals, they may help you understand, when your ready." I said, convulsed and died cursing the Gods I had prayed to for help.
They let me die when he still needed me. We had to talk!

I fear these moments. Always.
Fear them but hope to face them.

*On a lose piece of notebook paper folded into eighths placed in journal * 8404.26

-Adam a mechanizm - God the owner -
Adam & Eve develop thought (mechanizims purpose) Disobey
God leaves (mechanizes to "die")-----
Think about it.

-- Mirco-fiber - mechanical muscel tissue

*drawing, basically () sideways.* - like a film thread - with an electric pulse it contracts.

*Drawing long*
*Drawing short. Labeled -* pulsed

Think about it.

-- Evolution theroy

Think about it.
******continue
**************After?
****\----------/ man
***** \ **** /
****** \ ** /
**** /---\?/---\
**/loss of***speices \
(--------------------) dinosaur
** \ <-diver**sity -> /
**** \ ****** / * <-- bigger because around longer
**** * \ *x * / start
******before?

8404.29

I have been absence from writing for several days now. I was very busy at an experience.
************* 8404.26
Brown-wolf required aid in the building of his Tipi. I willingly gave my assistance.
We bought lumber and both being without steads, began to heft the load and walk. 12 foot 2 x 2 at a number of 1Ø wieghs a great deal. A very nice old gentelman gave us a lift.
Once at Brown-wolf's home we began constuction of the Indians dwelling.
Canvas streched out 9' by 18'. We measured, drew, and prepared to cut. We move to home of Brown-wolf's Grandmother. A storm began to brew. We cut and began to hem, by hand - then by hand and machine. 2 men, 2 women, all sewing the dwelling - threw rain, thunder, lightning, watch, warning, and tornados. We sewed until the past the witching hour.
When the canvas was streched out, he and I began to work. We took off our shirts, his proud body showed: I still wore a vest, meager protection only just enough
********* 8404.27 day of Senior men's
Classes were attended - a few . anyway. The Teacher of Life missed me a day. I missed a little of the learning key.
I aided Brown-wolf in the transportation of the lodge. Pony-boy, a newer friend, was also there.
I returned for the last of Learning key and the guilding Light, however she was ill and not there.
Then we left. The Hungarian and I in the delapidated chariot of Dominator, drawn by beetels, Brown-wolf and Pony-boy leading us out
I expected fun, drunk friends, and orgies of Dionicien scale. Then I had a vision of the night with Sex driven drunks, all of the above with no fun.
We arrived, set camp, and minggeled. The vision was true. I slept freezing with the Hungerian in Dominators charriot. I was up before the sun - wanting home.
******** 8404.28 - 2^nd day
The sun rose I and was very cold. As I fire-hoped trying to stay warm I remembered how un-natural the night before was. Serene country side violated by heavy metal, metal monsters, artifical light, drugs, and a dark pall.
All awoke to the beautiful day and I warmed under the sun.

I took the Hungerian and another home. Droped off Brown-wolf's Squaw then Brown-wolf. Picked them up, shoped, got Pony-boys food, and returned.
Then the expectation were around. Fun had fianally arrived. I longed to stay and did.
I slept in a tent with Pony-boy, I had a warmer feeling as we talked ourselves to sleep.
********* 8404.29 - 3^rd day , last
I rose first and realized the Sun wouldn't come out. Clouds made it dark and I had difficulty lighting and keeping our fire going. When I did get it going it rained. When it stoped it still going and I made it roar for the breakfast we never cooked. It didn't matter we never had breakfast.
I storm was brewing - a bad one. We needed to leave. As we packed in with the Vagabon Zooter's the rain came.
Like Dominator his chariot was unable to handel the trivas of a day. It ran that's all. With no wipers I couldn't see (thought I tired desperately) I could only follow.
When all was returned to it's place I came home. I released the door you had to hold shut in the chariot and steped out. I return the chariot and reclaimed my trusty stead.
Then came a nice suprise.

His visits are far and inbetween. Be was back today, Soul-Seeker (Brad *last name*). We hugged, we talked, We discovered. He seems to have found much more. Yet not quite all.

I waited Patiently. The Paitent Traveler never appeared at the bash as promised. To bad, we would have had fun.
Spring forward - time changes.
Now its late. I need to go. I'll write more, much more, later.

8404.3Ø

Khan! Khan!! KHAN!!!
You are one of the most ruthless man alive. You were cruel, cold, evil, inteligent, logical, emotional. Hatered consumate. But you knew your self. "Better to rule in Hell then serve in heaven." he said quoting Miltion.
He died in rage, in vengance, in vain, but he died himself. In pain he died himself for what he wanted.
He was Savage survival intellect.
Spock pure intellect? No. He too was himself. He was a half-breed, an outcast of two worlds. He was emotion denyed. Intelect ruled. It must, he fought emotion with logic, brain power. He died in pain, in emotion, in honor. He died in . battle where his soul constantly was. This battle was part of him, what it made him was, a very, very dear, friend.
He was logical survival instinct.
Khan and Spock. Niether ever used alcohol. Niether needed this precious weakening.
Every one become's drunk differently. Alcohol makes you weak, makes you drop heavy things, like masks. Want to see someone as they truely are, see them drunk, then sober and know what they are and what they pretend to be, also what they were sorry they did.
One man was no diferent than before. He was the same. Another triped frequenly but spoke fluent feelings. Sober he is just the opposite. I met someone new - he was stone drunk, we held a very interisting intellecual conversation. I met him again sober, he was an idoit, he did what he did to be like friends, it even started the drinks. Several became obnoxious and love starved, not wonder one acompanied the other.
Three discusted me. They drank and drank and drank. No change but they weren't drunk. Then finally it happened. 1 became a zombie the others passed out - they were nothing.

8405.01

I no longer know what to call you Calm Struggleing Alien. You are no longer Calm, you are Static. You no longer Struggle you flounder. You are however more alien then ever, even to me.
You used to be balanced, set in perspective on your mimicry. Now you seem crazed, off center, out of perspective.
The lies you weave will catch you, entangel you, soon. Brown-wolf and I tire off your intrecasies and your schitzophenic lies. We intend to cut a few of your mooring and see what falls. If its you we will let you crash, hard, then try to find you thru the lies and help you up.
But you must stand, you must hold yourself up. Listen to your lies and realize. Your reality is thin and fragile yet you pound it with a hammer and pile on more lies. If we don't cut you out now it will fall on you on its own, and we won't be there.
Not at all, Learn to stand Damn it. I want to call you friend.
I am so tired and weak. I need help. I'm weak and tired. I'm weak ....... and ... tired.

8405.02

There are no heros and I'll tell you why.
Because we are all afraid to die
There are no Villians and I'll tell you why
Because we are all afraid to die.
To concerned with wrong and right
We do nothing and forget the fight
Just bricks in a big grey wall
We never risk or dare a fall.
Survay with suprise with your eyes
Then realize you should despise
The cowards of man and reality,
Have a dream, make it, accept Responsibility.
Cowards of man prey
This is what they say
"Come tomorrow I will be older,
Come tomorrow will I be bolder,
Come tomorrow will I be a soliger,
Come tomorrow, Why am I colder?"
Heros say, heros do
Heros have everything to lose
Yet do what they must anyway.
There are no heros, Why.
Villians are beautiful, Heros ugly,
The cowards of man are unugly,
The cowards of man are unbeautiful.
Don't hold out for a hero - be one.
Don't ask why me - simply be.

Damon
___ D'artagnon
* * /__ Killgrave __*Skull insignia*

8405.03

That poem I wrote needs work. Justice needs to be worked in, but its hard to inclued what doesn't exist. Rhyme needs to improve, couples are easy and juvenile, not this idea. Sound and rythm need work.
I need to write a poem about Judas, too. My Judas, the Me Judas the one holds the black mass and lies to friends. He is my greatest Guilt, my greatest fear, yet he holds perhaps my greatest pride.

Grandma became seventy-one today. I only thought shee was sixty-some but still thirty or fourty. I'm proud of her.

8405.05

I skiped a day because I was up late enough to write today. I simply slept and awoke where I felt alien.
Run, down, over, crash and burn.
Run, down, over, crash and burn.
again, again, again, rest, again,
again, rest, again, rest, again, rest,
again rest, again, rest, again, rest,
rest, test, agggain, damn it! quit.
I'm sick of being tired. Tired of being hurt.
Where's the Sequencer, Al Dimonal, weres the order of discipline?
Dominator, you make me sick - can't win a game, like life, you change . the rules.

*Anyone remember the Rubric's cube? If Dad couldn't get it to work he would move the stickers. I had to pay a math whiz $10 to fix it for me.*

8405.06

Many things, old and new, both and niether.
There sat a wise man and someone. "What is man's tragic flaw?" asked that someone. The wise man smiled and told him to put his hand infront of his face. That someone did, just for an instant, then took it down and said "This is irrelavant." The wise man smiled and repeated his command. The hand again went up that someone began to laugh and again took down the hand, "This is silly." he said. The wise man calmed him and repeated the command. The hand stayed infront of the face for sometime, then again came down. "Why am I doing this?". The wise man smiled and repeated the command. The hand stayed up longer, quite some time even, then it fell. "My arm is tired." The wise man smiled and opened his mouth, "I know," the someone interupted "Keep my hand unfrort of my face." that hand again went up, the fire grew dim and someone fell asleep. The hand droped. In the morning that someone awoke and the wise man was gone. And that someone, maybe you, put that hand . infront of his face and smiled like the wise man and waited for someone, maybe you to ask him another stupid question.

Dreaming black 'n' white,
seeing black 'n' white,
See Chameleon lieing there in the Sun
All things to everyone
Runaway - Runaway.

V the final battle - still strong, still clever, still frightening.

"Ecclesiastes, read it. Its wierd." said Death Dealer.
I read him. It wasn't wierd, and I disliked him.
The Surgeon Gerneral says don't do anything - it causes cancer.
Ecclesiastes says don't do anyting its all vanity - but if you do nothing its a sin. I'll say something here, contradict myself here then follow it by something ambiguous and meaningless.

Damon needs rest now.

8405.07

Brown-wolf came to my house and we called to our falling friend, but he was . traped and came not hither.
Brown-wolf and I began to talk. We had fun together. We got out the Cross-bow, and its mighty thunderous clap and the cackeling of Brown-wolf.
I was frighend, scared. Unwillingly I left my life in his trust. He joseled that trust slightly but kept it strong. I did, have, and still do trust this man with my life.
I wonder how Death Dealer is. I hope my opinion of Ecclesiastes did not offend him. But it was my opinion, I won't change it.

Manchester England, England,
There is no justice in life or death, Love or war. The only places it is really needed, it never is.

Shape-shifting?
Chameleons?
Masks?
Hands?

Two twin babies battle, the fate of a race hangs in the balance.

8405.08 supplimental

I am trobled. A few days ago Death Dealer asked me to read a short section in his book of worship. I promised I would.
I did and I didn't like it. I felt a need to inform him that I had read it, and my opinon of it.
I should have gone face to face instead of that damn note, damn my cowardous. I seem to have angered Death Dealer greatly.
My note read something like -
Death Dealer
NO OFFENCE BUT I THOUGHT ECCESEATES (SORRY ABOUT THE SPELLING) WAS REPETIVE AND STUPID AND NOT WEIRD
************************ HAVE A NICE DAY
*************************** DDK *Skull inginia*
********************************/______WAS HERE

Today out of the corner of my eye I spoted someone and went to see who. Once out-side I saw Death Dealer's charriot retreating. I yelled "I see you" and began to walk after the backward rideing horse. Death Dealer did not stop.
I returned to my stead to see what he left once he had rode off to far for me to follow.
There was a paper, with my . name brutally writen on to it.
I unfolded it to view a poem titled "Self-perpective". A "Just to be tender, just to "shmo"" poem.
Then a note at the bottom, here's my had at forgery.

Hi Damon,
No offENCE, but I fiNd This silly AND repEdAtive, Not to MENTion RIDIculous! This is hardly the ANSEWER !
***************** Have A NICE DAY !
************************** CaT

(Traced as well as I could) This poem makes a point, very redundantly and with not organization. I agree with the note.
But this seems an atempt to strike back at me. But these are not my words, nor did I even ask him to read them, I didn't even know they existed until now. The last two exlamation annoy me greatly.
Does he mean the poem, the notes, or our attitudes (or just mine?)?
I left a message that I agree, soon another to call.

-INSERTS- *What follows are two pieces of paper folded up and placed in the pages of the above entry. The first one is the Poem/Note from the above entry. It is on white paper with the blue mimograph letters we became used to in school. The note is hand written in pencil. The second instert are note of mine dated 8405.01. why it was folded with in this poem I don't know but I include these things as I find them.*

************* SELF-PERSPECTIVE

I am living and thinking;
I am a human being.
I am a person.
But there are hundreds of millions of others who are
*** persons, living and thinking human beings.
Why am I capitalized?
Why isn't I written as i?
It is strange.
And it is funny.
Why should i be I while You are you?
Can I think of myself as i?
Of couse if i try.
But I have always been taught that i am I.
Isn't it silly and concieted for me to be capitalized I
*** while you are lower-case you and they are lower-case
*** they?
If i am I, why must I think of Myself as myself and of
*** Me as me?
It is a silly rule.
It is a man-made rule.
So many man-made rules are silly.
Maybe i'll try to think of myself as i.
Perhaps you and they and i will understand each other
*** beter if i do.

Hi Damon,
No offENCE, but I fiNd This silly
AND repEdAtive, Not to MENTion
RIDIculous! This is hardly the ANSEWER !
************************ Have A NICE DAY !
************************************ CaT

bionic muciele tissue ******** 8405.01

metal fibers or magnetic plastic fibers bound and woven together by grounded plastics.

|~ grounded ties can help control flow of power

cover this in a light plastic and it should keep the magnetic flow centralized so as not to disrupt other electrical and magnetic functions.

should be able to work in unison with biological nervous-system - prosthetics.

--Compatible idea --
The bones in a robot or Android should be metal and mimic the human bone structure.
Thus the muscels can be attached like those in the human body.

the bone surface can be coated with soft ware and computer chips.
This would effectivily make the nervous system and be directly in contact with the mucsel contections where the charges must originate.

*My biggest disappointment with this idea was when I found out that computers don't work well within a magnetic field. I hear this basic idea of a mechanical muscle has been made. I don't know if it is being used in the manor I have outlined here, but I think it is only a matter of time before it becomes a reality. I think it would revolutionize both Robotics and Prosthetic technologies. (Though I have been reading that we are not that far from being able to grow replacement limbs)*

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