Book 3 December 13 1983 to July 5 1984

8403.25 supplimental

Dream theraphy?
I had a dream about dreams. Joyce Brothers was my phycologist. She hooked me up to monitors and layed me down to rest.
I layed in the old home Ec. room of Jaugaur but it was called the room of art of the Chargers. *the Home Economics class room from Middle School - the Art class room of High School* The Teacher of Art was there drinking coffee and skuttleing about.
We took a break and I met my crusty old sea fareing father, he looked like James Dean - he's nothing like the Dominator. He didn't like me much but he loved me alot, but he couldn't hug me (alot like my Cat - to get close to him you have to fight him. When he scratches you, that's your contact). Then I met the smileful (partrige family, puritian oil commerical, Tank co-star *Even though I confused 'The Brady Bunch' and the 'Partridge Family' and she was the spokes person for Wesson Oil (not Puritan Oil) I'm talking about the peppy wholesome mother image of Florence Henderson*) as a classmate. She had never seen my round-offs but shee said she could help me do them better. *Round-offs - a basic gymnastics maneuver like a cart-wheel except you land on two feet. Used to change directions and/or gain momentum for jumps.* When it rained we all went back inside.
I was asleep on the floor after one stupid experiment with my electrodes, Jill Towsely the Actress got coffee over my head-trying not to wake me. The Idiot came over and said hello. Jill "shhhed" him and he said,
"Why! Is he asleep?" and I awoke. All I could think was why are they . here? It's sunday.
I laid down with other subjects. It made me nervous. Every time we did and experiment I would fail to fall asleep and I would lie about my dream. I told Joyce what she wanted to hear.
One sequence - the last - stands out in my mind. I laid down next to the paitent traveller. He knew of Gallifrey because Howard Hess was trying to tell me it was a conscious hullucination.
Dr. Brothers left the room and the Traveller began to seduce me. I still pretended to be asleep. He took off my shirt, unziped my pants and kept kissing my face yelling for me to wake up.
Angel caught him doing this (some-how we were moved - we now lay just inside the doors of D building hall at Jaguar) and asked why.
"If he wakes up I'll spit in his face" he said "I want to know if Gallifrey exists"
Angel left, again I wondered why is she here it's sunday. The patient traveller continued I was striped bare - he was shirtless with his pants unzipped.
Then he stoped and started to run when a man pretending to be a policeman (we all thought he was but he obviously wasn't)

He had a hairy chest and back, balding with a thick black mustache. He wore a faded blue jean - hippi vest with emebrodered faded blue jeans.
He stopped the patient Traveller and started to inquire about the strange situation here. A naked man lieing still as death with a half naked man running off. As the "police man" inspected me, I awoke from my false slumber. Acted surprised, said I could explain, then screamed for the Doctor.
She asked me about my dream and if it was sexual in nature. I said,
"No, I dreamed I was in the Tardis. I steped outside of time and space and there was a man laughing at me. Not at me but all of me - past present, future. I hated it and I lunged in attack. But when I met the man like this I realized he was right and could do nothing but let him throw me around."
She stoped, let go of me, looked at me. Then yelled,
"Get out! Get out! I don't ever want to see you again! You're cured! Get out! Get out!"
I ran to play ground again and practiced round-offs. That puritian . oil Lady came up spouting advice again and she still hadn't even seen me do one.
I showed her a purfect round-off. and she ran off yelling and screaming,
"I taught Him to do round-offs! I talked to him and Bam! He just did one! Perfect! The first time!"
Then everybody wanted to see me do them. So I went trotting *could be trolling with a long t cross* around in the mud and puddels doing round-offs.
I looked into the crowd and saw Death Dealer flash an O.K. sign. And I wondered, what's he doing here? It's sunday.
Then my crusty-old-sea faring Dad gave me a hug. As I huged him I saw Dominator trying to get up from the mud.
"Are you exited about this" the unshaven James Dean said.
"I am" I said.
"We need to buy something then to comemorate it." He said.
"How about a hook. So we can hang things from it and hug 'em."
We looked at eachother with smiles and the frame froze. Then I woke up.
Same as usuall I wrote what happened - what I remember anyway. I know what about half of it can mean the rest I don't know about. That last line gets to me. I don't know what it means.

8403.25

Death Dealer come and brought me a weapon but all his lusts were gone. He stared about as if he were merely existing and not living in survival.
Sister Destiny, why do you tear that fabric and braid it so strangely. It's design is so pretty yet chaotic. Shouldn't that go there, and that there?
"Why no" she said smiling. "If it did then it couldn't avoid the danger zone and go there, silly." Her childish face crinkled and laughed as her aged and bony fingers continued to tear and weave. Mother life, Father Death, your androgynous son is confused. Freud can't deal with you and either can I. I leap to sister fantasies arms and am rudely tossed to brother Realities arms. I run from him hiding behind my walls. Loki and his coyote stand over me and I pray to be with my friends but they are surrounded by the dark.
They lie in the house of crosses in the eye of storm. I rage about in my non-heroism and wish for a better, easier way.
I knew that way will never come when Death Dealer walked out, empty as he was when he entered.

© 1996 October (Original web publication for this entry).

8403.26 supplimental

It's amazing. When I was a child I used to rise to great hieghts and then fall. Sometimes I would be hurt but I was resilant then.
Then I stopped falling. I think its because I never got very high. But all the things I ever wanted to do, when I said I was going to make a living as a stunt-man, stuck in my mind. I still want to fall, but do it safely.
Resently I learned to fall again physically. I hurt more when I fell, getting up was more akward. It's easier now, less akward, less painfull. Oh, how may legs ache from learning to fall again.
But now I realize something again. I knew it as a child. There is no easy way down. Its not the fall thats fun, thats learning. It's the climb. The apec. Thats the fun part.
The fall is fun to, but you have to watch for that landing.

8403.26

God Damn, Mother Fuck'n, Shitn' Son-of-a-Bitch!!!
I am a fucking child of absolutly no maturity. I am alone on a boat in the middle of the ocean and who but myself should put a hole in my boat!
Damn me for a fool!

My emotions now are childish! My actions thru-out the day have been childish.
First I cherish a 12 and a half inch french fry (No symoblisms, no hidden meaning. Its the longest I've ever seen and I had to show every one my treasure). Then my mother is yelled at for alchol - by me - because I don't like it (childish - just like a damn selfish child!)
And then damn every fiber of my soul for what i did next. Damn _i_ Blew it! Can even remember what I said. But Death Dealer deffended him-self in the playful mood we both started.
"Oh, yah?" he replied
"Wrong class teacher." I said actually wanting this to happen.
"My class," he replied.
God Damn me.
We spared about and I tried to keep it going. Insults came out of my mouth I wasn't Thinking, God Damn!
"Come on take me to the ground." I proded "Your nothing but a make-believe Ninja." i stabbed "A Rainbow in the Dark." i clubbed.
Then He tossed a playful punch i blocked from the inside.

As i withdrew and he brought his fist down, my hand hit His face, hard.
His face changed, his whole attitude changed. He could have killed, he should have.
That was the spark that lit the fire. The spark was unintentional but with all the kindeling I layed down it was inevitable.
He leapt, i said I was wrong. He leapt, I coward in his shadow as i quickly tired to save what ( Ii ) held dear; his freindship.
He leapt, He clawed, He leapt. i didn't resist. Then I said we should quit. Not the argument. He was right. i meant quit and go home, away from school.
He said it wasn't me, he was unloading his shit on me. I told him to continue. I was there for that. I meant unload the shit - you can't carry it, it will only roll off me.
Instead we put away mats.
I left. When I was alone I yelled 'Damn, I blew it!" and hit the wall Outside I reached in the trash can and picked out the trash I dumped. I picked out the clean parts and put it back in my pocket. Now I carried Shit.
At the car I realized he'd . slashed both my wrists. I pulled down my sleeves. I was * going to let him see the wounds. I would let me see those wounds. *I'm sure I meant wasn't *
I kept thinking about all the wounds I inflictled. How childish I was.Wasn't going to look at him either. I wasn't worthy I thought. He probibly thinks I angry at him, I wasn't I was angry at me. I unfastened my seatbeat and prayed for an accident that kill me and leave Death Dealer unscathed. Then I realized that was a child - trying to get even. I thought about just getting out of the car and letting him go - same child saying "make him feel guilty". It you Damn it. I should feel guilty _J I thought.
I do.
I remembered once, way back when I first met him. We talked about blood-brothers. We shook hands and he said "maybe one day we will be blood-brothers". I thought the blood would be shed in a ritual, not a fight.
I got out of the car said I was sorry and left - never looking at him. I was afraid of his eyes.
I'm a coward, a fool, and child.
I want my boat to sink - but I don't want anyone around, I don't want anyone to know. * I am Sorry * Marc. * I . wish that silence in the car would have killed me. Maybe it did. I know it hurt alot.
I really am sorry.
Every time I say it, it feels like nothing. I know its not enough.

*It's funny reading this now. He and I both have very different recollections of this. What I remember now is that we went to the school so I could have mats to practice gymnastics rolls on (that is why I was so sore earlier). I felt that Marc was in a bad mood and I was having very little luck cheering him up. So, I thought perhaps what he needed was to release some aggression - so, I picked a fight. He knew he was a better fighter then I was. I knew he was holding back. I wanted him to 'let go'. We fought rougher then we ever had (I actually hit him - he scratched me /that's the reference to 'slashing my wrists') and I kept goading him on. I said somethings I didn't really mean - but once you say something like that ... you can't take it back. We both remember the fake ninja and "Rainbow in the Dark" line (reference to a Ronnie James Dio song) which was the straw that broke the camels back. Marc hit me (actually slaped me with a back hand). I (literally) saw black and white for a moment and the look in his eyes scared the shit out of me. I knew I had gone too far.
Neither one of us left that mat feeling very good.
I never did find out what was bugging him.
We both got past this incident pretty quickly. But for a while there I thought I had doomed the best friendship I had - and I felt terrible about it.*

8403.27 supplemental

I dreamed in black, there was no running but I stood in line alot - none of them moved.
As I lay there naked in the night, relecting, all could think is why can't I cry?
Things money can't by - friendship, Love, and Poverty (the last ones a joke but it isn't funny)
Sorry always seems empty when you mean it.
What really annoyes me is that I can name somethings to tack the blame on Death Dealer. Its not his fault, but I thought of ways to try and make it his.
I'll be damned if I don't feel like I just defiled a temple in malce. I never want to go back to that crime, but if I don't how do I make peace with the god of that tempel?
God what an ugly thought I just had. What if I was, and always had been jealous of him. The only thing I have over him is one year of age. Everything I have, he has and more. Imagination, intellegents, . friends, writing skill, fighting skill, gymanasitc skill, hieght, muscle size and development, and his hands.
Thats what I see most is his hands. They dwarf mine and they have so much skill.
I admired him like a god, yet I said what I did. Was I jealous? I remember being atracted to him at first because his drawing skill was greater than mine. Damn I'm ugly.
I played with fire and I burned. Judas has just crusified his Christ. Macbeth can't get the blood from his hands. And I can't stand the color black now.
No wonder my cat never came near me last night, he knew.
Death Dealer you always did make me think to much, and I always thanked you for it in the end. Now I think I've seen something in me I don't like, and I don't know what to do. Shit. It may be awhile before I can wear black again. Why me - Why not.

8403.27 supplimental 2

When you fall hard you land on your tail. You have to see were you've been.
I keep remembering, Death Dealer and I have never really fought - until now. I never want to see that look in his eyes again - when I do I have a feeling that's when I'll die.
I said I was a child and I enjoyed . it. I was wrong. I don't enjoy it - not now anyway. One aspect of a child is the ability to feel total sorrow and not know what to do.
The first 14 years of my life were a waste. Then I met my teacher, my idol, my hero.
He taught me to stop shivering. When I tryed to control my emotions so I could think straight I used what he taught me. When the plan was late I used his patients and his teachings to listen for it. Then I went to the glove compartment and found a paper -
It's always the twigs and Stones, not the mountains, which men trip over.

The picture of the lion "meowed" it did not roar.

8403.27

-"DDK DOENS'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. ITS BEEN ALONG TIME SINCE HE HAD TO FIND THEM. DON'T FORGIVE ME, JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE."-
Life when on as usual today even with Death Dealer. I don't believe he was ever mad excpet for that moment. I still feel bad - but I'm eased knowing he . doesn't harbor a grudge. I will have to watch my mouth much closer. Take my own advice.
= Caution - be sure brain is engaged before putting mouth into gear =

*Actually, that saying was on a plaque that my Grandfather gave me. I quote it often.*

8403.28

Whizzzzzzzzzz ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Ear, Death Death, Theseus, Byrd,
Brown-Wolf, Nomad of No-Land

Whizzzzzzzzzzzz ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Fight, Kill, Fight VS Skill, Axe of
Battle, Press of Kill, Pain, Judas, Me

Whizzzzzzzzzzzzz ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Agravation, Rushed, tired, Happy,
Lust, Sad, Concerned, Understanding, Masked.

Whizzzzzzzzzzzzz ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

@ People, Ideas, Emotions
Why can't my mind stop?

Whizzzzzzzzzap ! ! ! !

8403.29 supplimental

Hmmmmm. One ... Two ... half, Three, lunge, hand, feet, ... straighen up.
"Better" said Death Dealer.
Hmmmmm. One ... Two ... Three ... jump! Straight, Tuck!! =fisssted! >BAM<
"What was that?" he says.
I still tumble with feelings from that day of Doom.
"Heh, heh! I hear you got into a slap fight with Cat and you hit 'im and called him sadistic names."
"No, No-Land. That's not what happend." I said.
I wanted to say "You have strange adgectives for what I did and said, espeacily what I said. But that's not what happened from my end. But you have heard one side, with extreme bias on your part - from friendship, teacher/student, and warrior ties. It's all you've heard, and all you will."
I tired to tell Death Dealer my side but he wouldn't listen. Then or now.
I observed something later. Both Death Dealer and No-Land like to fight, kid-around doing it. But as soon as one is touched ... its an act of war. *The famous 'I can hit you and it's a joke but you can't hit me or I'll hurt you.' I'm sure you have all met someone like this.*
He can hit me, I can block. If I hit him - I'll die.
Death Dealer will not know this, but I will avoid his fights.

8403.29

Rycher - It hit me today near noon or so. I could never say Richers name correctly - I said Rycher. then I remembered why.
In a Dream a mad man named Rycher shot or tried to shoot Death Dealer. I tied to stop him. I can't remember if I succeeded.
This is a writen prediction - sometime between now and 4Ø years from now Death Dealer (I fell time sometime in his adult life 2Ø - 4Ø) His life will be threatened by a man named Rycher (Rye-cher) - probibly with a gun.
Hmmmmm. I wonder if it would be appropreate to send a green rose to the funeral ... of either?
A moment of silence ...

Too short but appropreate.

8403.3Ø

He was a magic character. Harry Tracy - Desperato. Like an aged Robin hood losing his world, a child with a heart and a genius, playful mind.
"Make a wish." he spoke as he left, both place, idea, love, and life.
When he fought authority, it only won in the end.
When Cougar fights authority it always wins, but he comes back ... generation after generation. *reference to John Cougar Meloncamp's song*

The Darkling struck my friends and I struck it - hard. I broke its collar bone and he had to wear a sling. Then the Darkling threatend me with the key to the Beast cage.
"I'm not scared of you." I said in a lie.
"I'll stay by my decision and pay my conciquences. You'll not threaten me." and I walked away shaking.
I knew that a desision like that could end a life of mine, one I cherish. But I hope I would stick by such a dession and simply ride out the cancer and see what was left of my life then start anew - unafraid.

"Make a wish" he spoke and left - forever.

*As you can see, if I didn't know how to spell a word like decision I would continue to sound it out and misspell it differently each time.
This was obviously about the fear of being 'outed'. Whether I had seen it (on TV or somewhere else) or someone actually said to me "I'll tell everyone you are a fag." I don't know. The fear was still there.
Two things stand out to me in this however.
First, that no matter my fear I was willing to stand by my decision.
Second, that I almost wished someone would out me. I knew I wouldn't die. I would just pick up the pieces and the fear would go away.*

8403.31

"Hi Death Dealer." I said
"Hi." He replied.

* * * =Cough - cough= "Huh sorry." I said.
He waved his hand.

"Thanks for the ride" he said.
"No problem." I replied.

8404.01

"Leave him alone Dominator!" I yelled, I screamed, I faunted.
"You chase him! You scare him shitless! You hold him too tight! And he hates you and you aren't helping!"
Dominator just chuckels and then drops the kitty.
Bastard doesn't even like music.

Black-Star the escape-artist and mock-hero. He saved the day - kind of - Was sent to Limbo and came back a Demon.

Tick - Tock! - Tick - Tock! Don't you ever shut up?! I can't think with that niose.
If I turn it off theres the hum of the electric clock with -flick- at the turn of every minuet.
If I turn it off there's the deafening silence of rolling time. I can't think with it either.
Tick - Tock! - Tick - Tock! Thank ------- I don't have hand-cuffs.

Heh-heh-heh! 'Artful Dodger' and I shot him in the ass before I became a Demon.

8404.02

"I'm at peace with myself. You are too aren't you." Said the Indian in black from placid pool.
"No." I replied.
"You aren't?!" he cried in astonishiment.
"No I'm not." a bubble burst on the surface of the pool. "I'm not a peace with myself but neither am I at war. I have a small beast in me, I have to have a controll over him. We are at a ... uh ... truce, presently."
"Black glove?" he inquired.
"One part." I replied, and we both laughed.
"I'm at peace with myself " said the brown-wolf " because I've admited I'm an animal." he chuckeled and howled then said, "If you ever need help, just call."
My guiding light is strong but my own lantern falters.
"Loki, you scoundrel." I said. His tounge flickered an he shoved a pencil point up. If not for the barriars to my eyes I would have lost my left eye.
Left eye, half blind, by a pencil, struck by the Lord of Lies, a half-brother.
Am I the only man who notices and implies symbols from the ordinary events of his daily life. Have I an insight no one else has? Or am I simply to stupid to realize I'm too supertisious and there all lies anyway.

*My brother poked me on the left of my nose with a pencil (can't remember why). I still have a blue dot there. Btw' Loki is half-brother to Thor. Jason is my bother, I just called him Loki - he isn't a half-brother.*

8404.03

See the Cameleon lieing there in the son.
He's warm now but he'll move or bake.
One more way.
Oops ... wrong mask.
Act with sound and action, no words - two people.
Two men place thick mat on stage.
1^st man takes running start and does a dive roll into mat.
1^st man moves mat back, sits on mat and looks at *his finger*nails.
2^nd man takes a ready stance
Heart beat - slow, increasing in speed.
2^nd man runs - heart speeds up.
2^nd man leaps for dive-roll - heart at apex of speed.
2^nd man lands wrong on floor
2^nd man lies still as crack is followed by long terminate beep.
1^st man rises - closes fist over body - beep stops.
1^st man smiles and walks off stage - no emotion on face, ever. *before*
Curtain closes.
1^st mans hand comes out from behind curtain - Silence.
1^st man snaps fingers
Heart beat begins - hand disapperas.
Laughter is heard.
* * * * * * DDK *skull insignia*

* I can think of a few stage directions and improvements of the descriptions to make this clearer, but it still stands as a good work of experimental theater. *