Book 3 December 13 1983 to July 5 1984

8402.04

And it smaked of men smells, and men sights. I felt obscure but present and part.
Yet when I left, the glove went on, for a Judas may I still be.

8402.05

I was reading some of my very first entrys. I have found many memories were good, the questions depressing, and the feelings ... many the very damn same.
Feelings of agony, betrayal to my friends, webs of deciete and blood on my hands.
I found the day I resolved to drop the alien - the Galifreian. He's hard dieing, his pulse is slow, his breath short, but he's still alive, sitll alive .... Damn it! He's still alive! Damn it Thorn pull out your sting and let him die!
Candels shine, lights burn, soon they'll all go out anyway. The dark will come with the dreams. Derams will haunt in the dark but soon as the light comes they vanish.
* Once we were dreamers encouraged
* Now we're dreamers damned.
* Dreamers on the run, for our lives.
Shit on reality.

8402.06

"Its show time" said the harliquin as he put on his mask. Three dice did he juggle. Red on black spun in the air from hand to hand as a chameleon ran about his lepel. The chameleon first white turned blue, then green. In the stage of brown he caught a cricket ate it whole then turned black and hid in the square of his masters uniform.
One die fell, then another and the last. They bounced once, hit the wall and landed Six, Six, Six. I looked at this rouge clown, he smiled, claped and fliped. I turned to see the dice roll over, Skull, Death, Doom. Again I view the harliquin as he flings into the air a deck of cards. The in the rain of spades he cackeled and pealed off his make-up mask and flung the metal cast to the ground. There I watched it slide and ignite to burn.
Puzzeled I turned to see the Jester's face, it was the same as before. The monkey beside him cackeled then did a flip and claped. The Harlequin vanished leaving the mustached monkey.
He climbed upon my shoulders an waved stiff armed to the people about and yelled "The Beast! Don't throw stones" and the grey mass listened and believed, in there terror.

8402.07

Yesterday was good, Today can be better!
Three is the number to remember. Friends, fingers, eyes, emotions, actions, activities, Furys.
Trilogoy, Trident, tricycle, T.A.G.
Three times betrayed. If Judas I am, having betrayed no-one except in spirit, then I will fall three times. First I was born, then I lived, I will die. Three.
School elementary, Middel, High, required. 3
College, work, retirement opptions 3
Together, 9, intermixed and staged.
9 - 3x3 or 3 groups of 3
Father, Son, Holy ghost? rejection.
Good, Evil, Nutral. three.
6 hours in school, 6-ty minutes, 6-ty seconds each!
6÷2=3, 6÷2=3, 6÷2=3
**2 ****2 ***** 2 - 3 sets of 2 = 6÷2=3
Death is stages - Breath, circulation, then mind.
Zues the deciding 3^rd

Why 3!? it isn't fair -
( crime, trial, justice? ) 3 stages.
*My 'signature' (DDK w/ skull insignia) broken down and numbered*
3+3+3+3+3+3+3
3 initials (1) 3 segment line (2) Skull in drawn in 3 sets of 3 (3) parts to my title.
***** Repetive isn't it (3)
******* Repetive isn't it (3)
(3)***** ^{Repetive isn't it (3)}

8402.08 supplimental

"Death! Death by War! Sign a slip of paper to be eligible for Death by War!"
"I know him!" yelled Death Dealer ecstatically. "That's my uncle!"
"Ah, Relatives." I said. "Lets go say hello."
After an ecstatic reply we walked over to the box labeled "Sam's War".
"Sign a slip of paper, be eligible to Die! Why Son!" he yelled on recognition of Death Dealer.
"Hi Uncle. I'm not your son."
"Any son of my bother is a son of Mine." he said. "How old are ya'?!"
"1 score and 7 in about 4 months."
"To bad! Your to young to sign. But what about your friend here?"
"Sorry." I replied. "I won't die in your war."
"You have to! It's the law." replied Sam.
"Sign it for your country!" pleaded Death Dealer.
"My country doesn't need war, and it's your law, not mine."
"You'll be put in prison, son."
"I'm not your son, or any relative of yours. I'm already in a prison of my own, another couldn't hurt." said I as I held up my left gloved hand. *as a physical representation of being "in the closet" I wore a black leather glove on my left hand. It was a deep riddle based on puns and symbols*
"Look here Son ..." Said Sam.
"I've told you, I'm not your son. Look I'm not eligible for war. I will not sign."

"This is for your own good." said Death Dealer to me as I felt a dull pain and my vision clouded over.
When I woke Sam was smiling and we were leaving. I turned to Death Dealer, with his brown nose and asked what happened.
"I don't want you in jail." he said. "I signed your name." Anger, rage, flashing teeth and rash words I shout my disbelieves and tossed Death Dealer out at his home.
"Stay out of my sight until tomorrow! For then I'll tell you if I can forgive you or not!"

I had to forgive him. We each made a very difficult decision in Morals and Ethics. Each was committed to a difficult path of actions. I forgave his actions, and respected his decision as what he thought was best.

Then came the War. I told them I wasn't going. Out came the paper, I became committed to go.
"Get out of it!" cried Death Dealer. "Convince them your crazy" he said.
"I'm not." I replied.
"I forged your name! That sets you free."

"When I did nothing before it meant I was going to honor that signature."
"The Glove of the Beast! Use it to get free!" pleaded Death Dealer.
"You don't even know what it is. You're right though in assuming it's powerful enough to free me. But I won't let it."
"I'm going to turn in my forgery."
"Do, and I'll kill you. But I have a prophecy, that you will live and I will die, at your hand. As it should be."
There was silence and the battle opened. There was slaughter but I did not kill. There was blood on my right hand, and the blood drove me crazy.
I found Death Dealer, removed my glove, broke the bars and shot him once in the leg. Blood poured over my left hand and I then died, mercifully by Death Dealers hand.
He viewed my corpse and didn't know whether to cry or not, I hope he didn't.

*This was written about all the mixed emotions and convictions I felt about the Draft. At the time both my friends and my family pressured me into signing something I was adamantly against (Death Dealer became an appropriate amalgam of all those pressures). When I did sign the card (under duress) I did vow that my name is my bond, I signed it - if called I would go. Thoreau's Civil Disobedience was my guide. Take responsibly for all your actions.*
Originally © 1996 October ( © implied by date writen, but reflects web publication)

8402.08

Burdened in my prison i took the walk. Wieghted down and fettered I walked. My shoulders ached, my left most of all. My legs ached but I pressed on anyway.
While I walked I saw two things. I saw a derilict piss on the fence which supported him. And on the top of the hill I found a bandit dead, still bearing his fangs. Then I followed his trackes backwards and ended up at Death Dealers home.
The only souls I saw on my journey over the hill were a derilect, a bandit, and a runner.
Later while alone, this time in my steed, I drove about feeling as if I were in controll of my destination and my speed of arival.
I parked and ate, then felt incredibly alone and thus I went about what made me feel better.
I drove to the house of God where Death Dealer and Theseus were, then drove away. Down the street I drove past the home of the Indian in black. Circle around back past the church, past Teddy Bears and the homes of Theseus and Death Dealer. Simply being close by, makes me feel better.
I saw the Derilect and Bandit. I saw myself and Runner.
Derilect, Bandit, Runner ... Me?
*The Bandit would have been a Raccoon - not an actual person*

8402.09

Somethings wrong. But I've never been a prophet. True I have prophecized, but I've yet to be correct.
The rain came, the cold came, and then a thick fog. But I felt good. Lifes a mess, I have a glove, and I'm blind. Yet I feel good?
I tired to burn away the cold, yet heat can only filter out impurities, I'm still cold.

*A large bold scribble covers the rest of the page. It started out as Oh Shit being underlined.*

8402.1Ø

"Jump!" said the Instructor. Thus I fell out of the massive airborn womb.
The air rushed past me and I played in breeze. Soon came the team mates. There was a plan. We all knew there was a plan, but none of us knew what it was.
Hands met hands, Bodys bump and fly away. Connections and made and rejected, soon an un - shaped mass beings to form.
What? Where? Huh? What was that?! There you ... Where? Come back.
Got you! A firm connection. It must have been in plan, too many near misses to be conincidence. A weak Roman hand joins, then a strong Red one. Oh, no! Some - one in red wieghted down by there chest falls through our configuration. The Romans weak hand is knocked lose. I hold him and the other with the Red holding to us both.
Roman again mets the other's hand. But he is shaken lose from my grip. He begins to float away from me.
Come on people! Get it together! We're gaining speed, falling faster. We only have a little longer to figure out the plan, the pattern, and then make it work before we hit the ground.

8402.11

"Witch - Boy! Witch - Boy! Witch - Boy!"
This was the chant herd in the valley - valley of the human's.
Conjure Man Warned, Conjure Woman made a pact and changed witch to man. Married a human he did so no bastard was brought to world. But the baby was twisted and witched.
Burned, anguish grew. Barbra Allan to church she went.
"Walk the valley alone" was sung loud and clear with heart and spirit. "I'm never alone - God is with me" was sung next with just as much vim and vigir.
Oaths were broken, deals closed, and humanity lost. The ring glows green even in the dark. The dark is mine again, I don't the light, you can have it.
No wonder I didn't like the end, if fortold my doom.
He walked the dark, then came to light only to fall further into the dark.
I heed Conjure Mans warning.
"Once a witch, a part of you is always a witch and you can change back."
I'll not step in the light and fool myself while ruining a good dream. I'll stay in the dark and dream.

8402.12

"I am the Lord of Wastelands.
A modern day man of steel.
I gather darkness to please me.
And I command you to kneel.
Before the Thunder under,
Slowly robs you of your virgin
******** Soul!"
"Twelve o'clock I gotta' rock there's a truck ahead, lights starin' at my eyes. Oh My God! No time to turn.
I got to laugh 'cause I know I'm gonna' die! Why?"
"Flaminng youth will set the world on fire." Like hell we will.
The adults can do that with there bombs. We're trying to put it our and keep it alive.
The music has played all day and I've been running again.
Calm Struggling alien ran from me, smart move on his part.
Death Dealer is ill, lucky for him.

Damn it all! I think too much and can't write fast enough!
Death Dealer and I floating apart, Absents of all obstantianing, and the rest of my whole damn life.

Fuck you Prime - Mover!

8402.13

The signing of tokens, tokens of care, of Like, of Love.
Valentines day, I think I like it.

Death Dealer was ill, I rushed him a sympathy card for he was ill, at home, bored, and with his sister. Later I smuggled him sweets - pasable as nutrishisous.*nutritious*
It's late I must bed down my small and useless nest.

8402.14

Dealt a heart that turned to a spade, sure enough, it was an Ace.
"Valentines Days hugs Given (free)" so I hugged everyone that would hug me and shook several hands.
I refused to put on the glove today and that felt good - except it wasn't reall. Gone for 24, 6Ø, 6Ø's then used three times 24, 6Ø, 6Ø's.
Valentines were passed about, but warm fuzzies where the best.
------------------Damn that Song! ----------------------------
Death Dealer came back and I ran to give him his Valentine.
Later Thesues, Death Dealer and I went for dinner.
They talked, I sat. They discussed, I listened. I related, they laughted.
They laughted about the worst period of my life - they laughed Damn them -~- Then Damn me. Why can't . I take the laugh?
They talked, I sat. I am a puzzel piece that no longer belongs.
------------------Damn that Song too! -------------------------
I didn't wear the glove, but it was false. Damn that!
It's not appropriate this day to tell of one 4 years ago. But soon I want it down. That Damn day should go down. Its important, anyway
And should the day not come soon when my thoughts and emotions can be shared, than I will go mad.
Purely bonkers!
Others have it so easy. My wings work like everyone's, but my feet are chained.

Thus the heart turned upside down, turned black and bled a tial.

All day it was out, staring at me. That orb of the dark out in the day - it just didn't seem natural.

8402.15 supplimental

'What do you miss when your a Christian? =Hell=."
Out came my invisible but not silent revolver and I shot the bumber of the old black ladys car where the sticker rode.
No one else heard the shot.

no one else needs to.
Why did that upset me I thought. Then I knew. Mind controll.
Religion has turned so many people into blind and contented sheep.
"It is the will of God" is usally all it takes for these sheep to blindly follow without question.
I am just glad that Death Dealer and Theseus are not at that point (yet, but I hope never), but I fear there parents are.
Want a controversy, want to find who are the truely religious? Who are the real people? Who are the blind and contented sheep?
"Man of God, why did you rape that poor woman?"
"She was a Harlet! She asked for this by the way she talked, dressed, and walked! God told me to punish her by giving here whant she wanted. You should now repent harlet!"
I don't know about now but thirty years ago, nost would side with the Man of God. The truely religious, the real people would have been excomunicated, called Devil. If the priest repented then and there infront of witness, he would have been forgiven and set free. Only the real people would dissagree (maybe).
That may not be accurate today. *Then again ...*

but what if the Man of God had said "The will of God is that this party win the elections for president."
Today many would vote desaster into the system because they believe in the word of god.
I hope Death Dealer and Theseus would at least question the action before doing it.
I can't knock God. If he is what the religious say then he is a great mind and 'man' - but so was my Grandfather, and my teachers, and my friends.
God has made a flock of submissives, but they will fight for the right to be in that flock. At least they fight.
God gives them guideance, points them to a good life and teaches them.
But a guide is just that, a guide, not a leader.
A good life can be found without him or others. Look in youself.
And a teacher says I pray for the day you don't need me any more, and you can learn on your own.
Parents should let go.

Remind me to talk of omnipotence too.

Have a nice day God.

8402.15

Gallifrey. I know what it is, I know where it is. I have, unfor-tunately, outgrown it somewhat. However when I first made it I was grown out of it. Thats what it is.
Patient passenger, a man of many questions, and large tender hands. He wanted me to take him there. I said I would, I'm obligated to. I will try to take him there.
I will appear to you in the specified year (2x1س). Then I will sit down and explain it all to you, then try to take you there. I hope I can do it, it would be great to be able to share that world with someone.
Passenger - I promised to take you three years ago. I promised so because you asked real and legitamate questions. I senced you had in you the will to make the journey. I gave you time to develop. I sence you still have the essence, but its not as strong as it was before. Don't lose it. You'll need it survive here, let alone there.

I wore a hat to contian it, a head band to controll it, now theres nothing, but it doesn't flow like it used to.
*Drawing of a box (the TARDIS), my hat, my headband, my curly hair, and circular waves of thought - a comic book standard for physical thought at the time*

8402.16

Tell me of fatless story teller, tell of the day the King came and made me an Emporer, and a Judas Bastard. Tell me of that day four years ago.
Your wish is my command, but not my will. I will tell of that dark day.
You were young, but you looked old. Two years before you were cast out of your home and tossed down a dark well. The well smelled of sweat and you were afraid, but driven by that fear.
You could not get out of the that well, you had to be helped out. But even out of the well the darkenss and the smell followed you.
I know that story teller. I want to know of the day the King came.
All in due time. A story is a pyrimid my son. It must have a base to stand on. Where was I?
The darkeness and the smell followed me after I was helped out of the well.
Yes. Again you were cast from your place. You were in a different place, but it was the same. You were labled Freshman. You didn't like the lable.
The one day when the sky was grey and the darkness particularly dark and smell very strong you were in the town square. You were by a foutain of white . water when the King came. He pranced about on his horse and you thought he looked grand, but you avoid him. The King smelled something though, that smell was you.
"Come here, Man. I see the making of a king in you. Come ride with me." And you went. Out in nowhere, under the slate-grey sky where the storm grew you both stoped. And you were lowered from the horse.
"Kiss my scepter." said he for he knew you had the makeing of a king.
He wanted you under his power. Under his controll. But you where scared, and you were sly. You had the making of a King. You kissed his scepter but in the following pact you got a scepter, and he kissed it too, more than you had his.
Then you left, you walked home. The sky was dark, the wind whiped your face. That night it Stormed!
Two days later the King came to the nest you were just making secure. You resented it. Thus you took your scepter and beat him away from the nest. He never came back.
It was then that you became more than a king, more that a King. You became the Emporer Judas Bastard. Though you never wear the crown, it is heavey and takes its toll. For the friends you have made, you are . afraid you will betray.
Master? Master have you fallen asleep again? Oh, you have fallen asleep. Scepter in hand, blood dripping from your scalp. Why do I tell this story to you over and over if you only fall asleep and dream, Master? Why must you dream when you know the truth? Why?
Because, was the answer of the sleeping figure, Because.

*Four years later and I can finally write about my first sexual experience*

8402.17

I triped today, it was and wasn't my fault. I planted the seed, then deprived it of light hoping it would die. I triped over the dead leaves and my sack fell.
Out rolled a seed and it grew. I'm a gardener born and bread, I can't kill it directly.

Damn my eye quivers. It twitches and winks then gives a sharp dry pain. I may go blind there soon.

The Thorn wishes to spar. I want to learn gymnastics. Death Dealer watchs the Kay sea falling stars. Theseus works at something. The calm struggling alien wants to join me.

8402.18

Someone, or Something is knocking at the door in my room. But that door's locked. I ignore the knock.
Is it the wind? A bird? The dog? A friend? Death Dealer? Theseus? Indian in Black? Calm Struggling Alien? For you I would open the door, but if it's the black man, King of dark beasts, I can't open the door.
So I don't even look don't even aknowledge the knocking. The wind will go away. So will a bird or the dog. If it's a friend they will come in around the front.
If its the Beast King he'll keep knocking, and I won't answer.

Window and walls. Fences and bridges. To many walls and fences. Not enought windows and brigdes.

I need, not want, need things, and I know no one to give.

Why death, Destruction, and Suffering? Because God pushed the start botton and laughed as the mechanism fell apart.

Good night

P.S. that's a joke

8402.19

And Odin hung from Ygrazil, weak and bleeding. He was missing his eye but he didn't care, for he lost it gaining sight.
"What is the loss of phyisical sight when you gain true sight. That I only lost one eye is my short coming."
And there Odin hung, suffering.
"I will read those runes, and understand."
9 days and 9 nights he hung before the elder gods let him down and taught him to read with his one true eye.
The light said it well days ago, With knowledge comes suffering, with suffering knowledge.
I agree with the first. With it though I wonder what I would dare learn. What could I bear to learn. What knowledge would I want to learn.
The second I'm not sure about. I feel as if I suffer, but I don't know. I have gained some insights to myself, but nothing I've suffered for. I knew something about myself, I knew it made me different, for that I suffered.
Is that my secrete knowledge? Be thy self no matter the cost.
Books can tell me that. Of course I never would have read had the light not taught me, Or if the learning tree . hadn't helped me.
I saw a film today. He stood up for the right to dance. The right to express yourself.
He fought against adults. Fixed in there ways now. They did the same things we do, but they seem hell bent to keep us from doing it. These adults were caulous enough to controll us by burning books.
"What kind of name is Slaghter house five?"
-It's a classic. Its very good. -
"Maybe it will be, or was a classic in its own time "
- In any time. It's a classic -
"Huckelberry Finn is a classic "
Condem a book by its title the mention of a large "wang" and maybe its subject of war and science fiction. Then preach a book that cronicles a runaway who swam naked in the Mississippi with a black slave twice his age.
Smart people.
"Keep the children warm! Burn everything but Shakesphere!"
Idiot - Save Shakesphere, Ibson, Chauser, Socrotes even Hardy! Save them all!
Death Dealer has met a pretty woman. They share a common house. They may, and I hope, one day live happily. But that common house confines them to one book, and I hope its good enough.

*Believed in freedom of speech even then. By the way - the movie ... 'Foot Loose'*

8402.2Ø supplimental

"I'm going for a walk and watch the sunrise."
"Dress warm honey." was my mothers reply.
I stated a good intention and preceeded on with my real one. I learned alot about myself in two hours, this is how it went.
I walked with my back to sun. I walked to my think point hoping to find someone so drunk, so high, or so dead as not to realize the sun was comeing.
I didn't find anyone and my hands were cold, very cold. Every-thing around me was frozen.
Heat, I need heat. I contemplated many ways and places I could find heat fast. Then an image flared to life in my mind and I realized what I was doing. The image was of me, cold, and a small fire in a barrel. I thrust my hands into that barrel and I was warm for a second, then I burned.
I was ready to steal heat from anyone for a moments pleasure. But if I steal it, it's mine and holding it will burn my hands eventually.
Then I concluded I would avoid heat, and simply freeze. That was silly. I need heat, without it I will die.
So I did what all the other cold things did. I turned to the sun and patiently waited for it to warm my hands.
That was the solution.

© 1998 June ( © implied by entry date, but reflects web publication)