Book 3 December 13 1983 to July 5 1984

8312.13

I'm in pain as I crall through the darkness, but then there is a light. Death Dealer stands infront fo me radiationg manhood. I kiss his shadow and my own burns.
I'm stuck here on the inside looking out. Thats no big disgrace. Wheres my make-up, where my face on the inside.
By my own convictions I hang here on the cross, hanging inoccent to life having lead none.
As my shadow burns I note the passage of three and a savage. the Ninja, the Roman, and the Indian cast many shadows. The savage cast none and stood in there's. The three wise men knew not what this beast was, yet they let it follow for some odd reason.
The harliquin dances infront of me. He laughs hartily as he peels off a mask here, a mask there. He spins about like a top droping layer after layer of self. Then vanishing leaving only the laugh.
I scream, I bleed, I fear, but I can't die!
"Take pity!" I beg as I burn.
Yet no one hears, no one cares. The three and the savage only journey on, finitely.

8312.14

The white death fell all about me. I carefully steere my sure-footed stead forward, praying not to die with that damn Bronc under my arm. *'Bronc' is the title of a porno magazine*
I held the riens in my black gloved hand. As I dismount relieved an indian siezes that hand, and smiles. He runs that damn maze faster than anyone, but now I'm runing from him, in little ways.

I'm floating in space. Outside the ship I hang wieghtless by a slinder cord. Seven shadows dance upon that cold cord as I look down to see the earth frown at me. As my gaze returns something attacks me.
Faytra! the She-wolf. That bitch is everywhere. My cord is severed and my life begins to hiss out that tube as I float even further away from the ship.
Just as I give up hope a hand reaches out and siezes the cord, the hiss stops. I see Death Dealers visage saying "Not yet." and pulling me back.
I can feel it now. I draw it, I make it move with the key, I see it in my mind always. One day my skull will bleed, badly and endlessly.

Thorns are funny. They come from trees, but they make you learn with pain.

8312.15

Its late, so its short.
I fail to reach the light, again.
Death Dealer is agatiated - I fear there is little I can do.
The Indian is dangerously close to his prey. I was not trained to hide my trackes, and this Indian is more clever than I.
Yes, I'm the owner of a lonely heart, and it may well kill me.

8312.16 considered

Ha-Ha! Let it all die in Snow. Body movement makes me black and spices ill.
I couldn't even make it up the hill.

8312.17

Much has happened. I need to speak.
I haven't seen Death Dealer since last night, but his mood was still basicly foul. As has been for near a score and half days. I now believe it was simply time. X made him happy, confused, and then depressed. This and other tensions envolving family and distance of friends have simply made him angry. I think its about time.
I think of Last night and shake as I did then. The beast roared loudly last night. I went to find friends to distract . me in there company. Death Dealer, Thesues and Thorn were found, Tacos the plan.
Instead of bliss or happiness as I expected I became very depressed. I sent my friends off from under a mask. As they left the facade droped and I even became very ill.
I had promised to return but instead I simply left and tried to find a place to think. I couldn't climb high enough in the ice.
The day I spent cooking cookies, reading fantasy, and writing ballads. Tomorrow I read by my guiding light and pray I can finish.

I am so cold! and I'm not sure I can blame the weather outside.
Because of what I am and who I know, I may soon be endangered spiecies or even (better?) dead.

Ironic Mr. Brown-in-black. My left is warm and my right side freezes. I can't controll the heat in my body.

8312.18

It is very cold. The Ballads ring. The Beast calls.

8312.19

Its so cold and the snow falls. Its white and everything is dieing on me.
I dream of Angel in fear of Death Dealer.
When I think of it, my tongue feels split with lies.

8312.2Ø

I am calmly angry.
White deaths icy touch seems to have claimed many things, including my faithful stead.
Death Dealer falls symtom to many of his ills, as has my guilding light and a teacher of the learning tree.
But heres my ringer.
I believe I called him soul-searcher. His mentions are few and far between for now he lives far away and I rarely hear from him, but I still care.
Calm struggling alien called, calmly. He told me of an un-believable situation fulled will stupidity and ignorance. soul-searcher was the main character.
He's sliped into manhood and is concidered a man by law, which now stands to try him.
He blundered into robbery, and then was caught.

8312.21

All remains dead about me.
But for one black glove stationed on my left apendage, I walk naked thru the white death blanket.
I search for a soul, yet find nothing new. There is a guiding light but she can't help me here. I follow the dim vision of an Angel, goaded on by the fiery devil.
I shiver in spasms as I pass a waterfall. Frozen into its glory is my very image, only I hold a rose in right hand, whose thorns draw blood from the severed arm. I'm so cold and I can find no heat.
Theseus in his blazeing chariot waits for me now. I walk forward dressed in white.
Just before I step aboard I slip, I fall, I drowned under mud.
Soiled I rise, I and travel on. Wet, cold, and dieing. *I italicized this because it looks different then the rest of the hand writing. I think it was written left handed.*

8312.22

Oh the Christmas joys.
I love to see and give toys.
To every girl and boy,
I wish every Christmas joy.

To sleep to sleep. I must awake in the morning.

8312.23 considered

Death Dealer, dealt.
David Damnation was drawn from thieving to murder. My Friend repaired we gain another. In severe finacial troble we are forced to murder the 2^nd biggest crimelord, by the 1^st.
Thriller twists, and Dominators home. Oh joy of joys.
The weekend begins. 1Ø days are mine, and off I'm sent.

8312.24

Christmas Eve and naught is new. I don't feel the same about this day as I used to.
I enjoy the giving all year round, today is but another day. But now I recieve also.
I dislike the recieving (it makes me feel, greedy), I recent its being done simply because its a certian day. I enjoy only the recognition, but I get that from friends and family all the time also.
Friends. Secretely I've been told that Death Dealer will be moving. Moving far distant from here to place called Gwam. He himself has yet to tell me, I'm dissapointed that he hasn't. Yet I know it might be painful to him, and he's often prefered self-anger and shadow fellings in the night. *** Be well.

8312.25

Once it came I swang in.
Christmas was black this year, just as I like it.
I now have a robe of the night, a coat of darkness, three shirts of obsidian, a vest of the viod and a sweater of the abyis. That which covers the beast wears his color and my pants also extends to darkness.
Death Dealer, in the sign of the shadows of Iga, left me nunchaku. Now that and the saber I will strive to learn.
The learning key has been brought to the home. But this turns differently than the one I'm used to.

Thank you Santa Claus. Your Spirit is still alive.
You live in the hearts of children, You live in my heart.
You are a copasionate being, Grand and clever, please live forever.

* Drawing of Santa Claus.*
* I should note that in the sence of this entry - I still believe in Santa Claus. I obviously liked this Chirstmas more then most because my family finally recognised the way I liked to dress and gave me clothes I would actually wear.
I also wanted to note - I mention the Learning Key here again. I'm talking about computers. I was taking a computer class at school. Of course we learned on Apple (MacIntosh) but for christmas the family got a Commador 64 (IBM). While, I'm at it the Learning Tree is the Library (at school).*

8312.26

Amazing how fast moods can shift.
Its only a game but things can be learned.
Death Dealer, Theseus and I take other forms. Death Dealers Sensi was the god here.
Theseus and I knew each other, Death Dealer saves my life. We travel, I save his life. We traveled, we roomed, we learned, we fought battles, all together.
Then in No Lands I was lured into a trap. My friends unaware of my delima, I had two choices. Beg or die. I wanted to live for my friends, I begged.
This put me in a terrible spot. It cost me $1Ø,ØØØ, and a deal. I had 14 hours to kill both of my friends. A Plan hatched, use the time to run like hell. This would save my friends and delay my death. It would save my friends.
We were begining to leave. I had taken only few, maybe three, steps. Death Dealer strikes two blows with steel Eskimer sticks. One crushes my skull one separates my spine. Theseus slits my gut even though I'm allready dead. Overkilled by 1ØØ points.
My death didn't bother me, I was going to die. It was the reason I was killed.
A price, a small price, reduced after the kill to nearly naught, . was placeded on my head. For this they both killed me.
A price had been offered to each for each other also, but neither made that move.

The price was small here, if it were larger then perhaps, no, probibly it would happen here. I wonder how large, or perhaps I'm to vain, how small that price would have to be.

Sensi to the Dealer of Death I hate you most right now. You placed me in this position. You also teach Death Dealer. What does he learn from you?

Perhaps one day I'll offer you you the money Death Dealer. Don't worry it will be large enough to cover the fee for you harlets afterward.
Forget me in you fucks. Like you did in the game, of life. For here I'm dead.

Note; in this future world I could have been saved by doctors. I wasn't, because it was to expensive. (Just a little less than they were paid).

* This game still stands out in my head. The manipulations and allegiances drawn truly shocked me at the time. After my character died, I didn't role another to rejoin the game. Instead I watched the rest of the game as I drew my character's death. The rest of the team was mad at me for getting so upset at my death "It's only a game." What bothered me was that I had made a decision to save the team at the possible expense of my own life. I and my character had completely misjudged the character of the players and their characters.
To show the decisions involved - what happened : Each of was taken in front of the City's Regent and scolded for our actions. Then each of us had a separate sentencing. During my sentencing I was told I would be put to immediate death or I could beg for my life and pay $10,000 (this was all but maybe $10 in my possession. Consider it "Give me everything you have and I'll give you bus fare home.") In addition, I was told that in order to live I would have to kill my team mates with in a certain time, or I would be hunted down and killed. For each one I killed I would get $10,000. If I killed them both then I would also get my $10,000 back. I was being watched. I wasn't reunited with my team until we were leaving the city. It was my plan to get to our vehicle an tell them what had transpired and get us as far from his influence as possible. I felt I could live as a hunted man - it was possible that my team mates would have helped me. It also occurred to me that the Regent wasn't as powerful as he claimed and would actually just give in to his greed and let us go having paid the fines and left his city.
The exact same offer was made to each of the other two.
Some how they had the opportunity to talk to each other and decided they would kill me, but not each other.
Of course I didn't get far before I was taken from behind - not even a chance to defend myself. The two approached the Regent who, of course, backed out of the deal. He returned, I believe, half of their fines and given the option of possession of my body. They didn't take my body. They then took their money and caroused the town the rest of the night.

I think what got me the most was that I had judged the character of the Regent correctly. It was the friendships I had misjudged. I learned a lot about betrayals that night. I'm glad it was in a game setting instead of real life.*

8312.27

Will I never reach that damn beach?! Water, water all about me but not a drop to drink. My heart of stone makes me sink. I come up, I go down, saved by zero.
The wrong word goes in the right ear and I'm running. Run! Run! Death Dealer comes to close. I didn't win tp play second to you, or anyone. I hate this game with no rules.
I mounched and mounched. I ignored the hertic witches at my feet.
NoLands skinney trees draw me there. There I'm begged to join in for warroirs welcomely granted. but I don't play who's who, I fear the teachers and what they may learn from me, but blackness covers my body.
I love to care, but fear to love. How did this triangle, this tetrahedran come to be?
I Can't Escape!
Help Me! No! Don't Touch My Blackness!
Don't let me touch you. I can't be trusted to touch. Touch betrays. I betray touch.
I can't live like this.

What displaces Death Dealer into his somber, withdrawn moods.

8312.28

Death Dealer is here, but its Late. I will sleep.

8312.29

I only wanted the truth, looking into
No more feelings of doubt.
Then someone showed me ther root of all evil / When all the lights were out
Shallow sleep, just leaning
Am I leaving the game?
I must be dreaming lots of undercover
Dreams are always the same
When the nights close in
When the night close ...
Well it's another night I waste at the opera / With a permanent friend
I should have taken direction much sooner
Another night in the air
If the lights came on
If the lights came on
I'd switch myself, with someone else
Then I'd shake myself
Things start to happen when I
Things start to happen when ...
Things start ...
Oh, I can see myself running
But I'm standing still
And I can hear myself screaming
But there's no sound
When I wake up crying life brings me down / But its not worth losing, until it found / Oh, I can see my way home, home
I close my eyes and I'm back by the ocean / My hair feels wet
I'm on the brink of a lifelong ambition

Whatever dream comes next
I'm in the seat of a hearse and guess whos driving
I'm with you all the way
I hear the step of the fool, who's coming
All night never day
Then the lights came on
Then the lights came on
I switch myself
With someone else
Then I shake myself
Things start to happen when I ...
Things start to happen when ....
Things start
I can see myself running
But I'm standing still
I can hear myself screaming
But theres' no sound
When I wake up crying life brings me down
No its not worth losing, until its found
Oh, I can see my way home
I'm at a house, all the windows are broken / It's were I once used to live
I must be losing all my undercover
Dreaming always the same
I can see myself running .. .. ... Still

This is my fixx with a passion. My voice has been replaced with a gruff low whine. I kind of like it but its unnatural. *I had laryngitis*
Death Dealer was here and I lost myself in darkness. We bedded down for the night and I was cold by the heater, having dreams in the darkness.
The lights came on early and . we went to my place of work. This early its still dark.
The light of dawn came quickly but privet darkness still surrounded me.
We ate, and he makes jests at my new voice and calls me "Sweetpea". I do not like to see him dim his light, this erritates me to no end.
Then I dove head first into maddness. I claimed his left black gove and placed it down my pants next to my jewels of obsidion.
He told me to give it back, I told him to get it himself. I am glad he did not.
Just before, in effort to stop the creative terms of enderment I took him to the mound. I go there to think alot, usally about the dark.
He locked me out of my car, I ran up in the whitness and cold. He followed me. But before he reached the top I turned around. I could not let him reach the top, of my memories in darkness.
Then late tonight, I remembered several of Death Dealers and my wrestling matches. I siezed the staff and worked to a sweat. Then dropped it in the darkness and shamed myself.

8312.3Ø

Its close to a new year and I'm still in old habbits.
Again I assumed myself into conceite with Death Dealer and I don't like it.
We went out, on my suggestion, yet I stayed in, as he had a good time with friends met on the way. This made me a leech again, I don't like being a parasite.
Yentl you took the chance. You made the story line work but you are also a fiction, I am a truth, brutally so.
"Demon! Demon! You are sacroligious! Why do you spit on the learning! the Books! Why did you do this?!"
He yelled to her, I see yelled at me. She had a simple three word, valid, excuse. I have no three words, there is no validity, I have no excuse. She had hers by choise, I do not.
I don't play who's who. I'm in the game. I don't know the rules, but I play to win. I don't play to win to play second to you.
What about me? What about me. I remember now, I don't and never will count, to me. I do count to others. They can say that, I can't, and I won't let them say it for me.
I am and am not a coward, but I'm the best actor you'll ever see.

8312.31

The last day of the year. Tommorrow is a new beggining for an old run.
I went to the mound of thought yesterday. As I turned to go away I became stuck in the black now. I relied on strangers to help me out.
There was a film today. Death Dealer came with me. We watched as friends went back into a hell for friends. Then I wonder would they do it for me? Probibly, as things are now. If they knew? Probibly not.
I dreamed a future today. Death Dealer came to me in aid after 1Ø yrs of separation. We were both full grown adults.
He still didn't know.
As I went about helping him, in the heat of a battle it was revealed to him. He became stunned, dumbfounded. I had to act quickly and pushed him out of the way of a speeding projectile. I took the shot meant for him.
He lived, I lay on top of him dying. This postition caused Death Dealers doubt to die. He threw me off of him, cursed me to another hell and left me to die. I lay there bleeding and all . I could do was laugh. Death Dealer was no longer there as he used to be, I new I could no longer live.

My voice starts to return, but now I cough my life away and stomach regrets it.

There is only too much pain for me now. What will I do later.
I have everything to lose and nothing to gain except a freedom which will grant only new chains and more pain.

I don't know what the new year brings, but I hope its better than this year. I'm Sorry to give it such a bad start.

Happy New Year
and Best Wishes to all
My _Friends

they'll need it to deal with me. I can handle my pain but not there's. I'll do anything to ease there discomfort.
******** DDK *Skull insignia*

8401.01

Oh, the New year starts Swell!
I feel sorry for my mother and Death Dealer, for they will have to deal with my moods, more then most.
I cough and weesh throughout the night and am sore in the morning.
Its late in the day and I go to shower. Thought I'd masterbate to make me feel better but the phone rang and the Calm Struggling Alien lowered himself to begging. When my friends, all greater than me, lower themselves beneath me, I am repulsed.
I gave him the ride, he picked up this weeks bitch and I took them home.
I returned home, but in the drive my stead faltered and refused to forward or back in the mass of dirtied white death. Dominator came out. I said 'please push we're stuck.' he replied 'Your not stuck. Rock it and you'll be free.'. I then politly replied 'I have been rocking it but I'll try again.' then whispered 'basterd' under my breath.
I rocked and rocked and still we were stuck fast. He yelled, I yelled back, I rocked forward and back. 1Ø minutes gone and then he pushes. I am then free as I said would happen.
I drove around the block . and tried again. I came into the drive, out of the street, and could advance no further. I parked it there.
Dominator yelled at me for this as I walked past a laughing Loki inside.
I walked inside, hit a wall and yelled into a pillow, told myself I was calm and went back out.
Dominator was digging a trench in the white death. I told him calmly to go on where he was going and I would finish.
He hoped into his steed and found himself stuck. He rocked it once, I laughed to myself. Rocked it twice getting nowhere, I smile. Rocked it a third as I walked over. I got there and pushed him free in seconds. He went off without a word and I turned to the trench and laughed.
I vented and built my anger digging the trenches and then the island between them. (I forgot to mention before Dominator left he tried to move my stead up. When he was done (5 minutes later) he admited it was stuck far worse than he thought and should have been pushed. (God forbid I should ever say the truth to him in the first place)).
When I was done with the . drive I took off to return Death Dealers cassete tape.
Since I saw red I stayed less then seconds as I set the tape infront of him and said "New Year" then left.
As I left a hole appeared and my steed burst a foot. I pulled him over and proceeded to change the flat.
One bolt refused to come lose. Two large men helped me sieze the iron and lifted the car in atempt to losen the bolt. It finally did come lose I changed the tire to the spare which was half the size of the original.
Now dark I went back to Death Dealers and called home then proceeded there in my rage.

"New Year brings 'New Improved' Problems." Reads the healine of 1984. The Year I graduate from shool and I'm forced to leave behind friends, or they leave me for Gwam. The year I suposedly become man, the year that is supposed to be my turning point!
Hell, I'm off to a great start in the Year of Desaster.

May my friends be doing better.
******* DDK *Skull insignia*

© June 1998 (© implies date of entry but reflects web publication)