Book 2 June 9 1983 to December 12 1983

8311.08

I walk through a dark hall, the light is above me. I turn around and see darkness, forward I again look and see the hall streching to infinite.
A door directly to my left opens and out reaches a hand. I duck to avoid it and move forward. To my right opens another door and again there is the hand.
'Don't touch me!' I yell as I run forward ducking and dogding right and left. I run and run, gasping for breath and pleading with the onslaught of touch.
Finally it stops as I run into a mirror reflecting not myself but my innerself. I step back agast and watched the image move.
'Out! Out oh Damnable spot! Will my hands never be clean?!'
Then out thrust the hands, covered not with blood, but with half the man.
Air was denied me by these hands as they clutched my face. As I gasp for air I spewed out half girl.
When released and left in the endless viod of darkness, wept like a woman, an held in my hand the courage of a man.
Sadness, I'm sorry.

8311.09

The mirror swings wide and reveals a room of men, dinning at formal dinner. The men vary widely in dress and style, speech and manor. A gesture invites me in.
I fear. 'False face will hide what false heart knows.' I walk in sporting my facade.
I steped and all there knew instantly who I really was. Some smiled, some laughed, some cried, some screamed in pain, others were indifferent. Then all stood and destroyed the dinner seting, became one being, flew over the table, and slamed into my body becoming one inity.
There was silence, then violence. I screamed in pain with the overflow of emotion then split in two.
i stood and watched i. I struggled to understand.
I ÷ You = We? 'No' countered the other 'because I + You = We' True. Then I ÷ (X) I = Us 'No, becuase X isn't here.' True. Then I ÷ i = Us 'No, because I isn't divisible by i. Us is i.' Revelation? If i + i = I then I - i = i meaning 2i
Darkness came, for you can't see with 2 eyes. I'm alone in the darkness. Save your prayer for the morning after.

8311.1Ø

As I cried my tears formed people. Soon I stoped as I was surrounded by people of all kinds.
I stood and became happy. I drew strength from there presents, not there touch.
The calm struggling alien and the Question (JK) were suposed my campainions. Yet I lost them in the crowd twice for great lengths of time. I saw Death Dealer, Thesues, and X all together.
I spent the day outward, tomorrow I'll spend inward. I'm nearly afraid.
Afraid to think, wonder, dream and explore, afraid to be alone.
Indian in black is gone, I've seen or heard him naught.

Nothing may become my life, like the leaving it.

8311.11 supplemental

I am a stranger lost among strangers.
I have no excuses at all. At Least Macbeth was not totally reponsible. I am. I have become a man of paradoxes.
I am desieased yet well. I am pure and impure. Alone yet crowded. Black and white. Violent and peacebound.
I wear that blackness which infects me thus. I welcome it, . flaunt it, wish it, yet no one knows.
False face hides what false heart doth know.
Oh, I am so alone. I retreated into myself for peace yet I knew I'd find turmiol.
---
Thrice times two have been interupted forgive the lack of continuity.
---
In this turmiol I've been forced to face some awful things.
X for instance I believe I've found that I do not hate her, but instead am jealous of her. She divides and takes away my friends. At first I believed I hated her for division, yet am I jealous of her for the takeing? If so this means I never did over come the darkness as I thought I had.
Oh, Mama it hurts so bad! yet I can't go to you, to him, or they, for none still shall ever know.
Damn you Thorn! Let the dream die! I've out grown the psychological need for it. Had you not been there I would let your wound heal but you pursist so I still bleed, I bleed badly. Thorn. My head has healed and no longer needs to be held together. Let my wound heal, Thorn, let it heal. I can't lose much more blood.

*I want to note that the reason the 't on the two can's is in blue (instead of red) because there is nothing in the text to indicate the word should be can't, but it makes more sense. When I write (even today) contractions often fall off into non-existence. Today I catch that in proof-reading, back then I didn't even know what that meant.*

8311.11

I've had a Brainstorm. 'I'm here!' boomed the voice I created. 'Then let the test begin.' I comanded my voice. 'The force?' it asked. 'Force Five" said I back.
The visions begin.
Force test 1; I walk into a room. the room is bland but occupied. The young militant stands over a weak boy. He shouts, he yells. I find it pointless and creul. The Young militant then leaps forward in a pysical attack upon the inoccent. I act.
I place the young militant in a head lock and drag him back saying 'that's enough, your out of line'. He then breaks free and faces me. 'Thats it.' I say, 'Turn that hostility toward one more deserving, and more capable of deffending himself.' 'Why you?' he askes. 'I don't know. Your the one with the fists.'
End test 1: Pass.
Force Test 2; I'm at Death Dealers home. Infront I see Theseuse's charriot, and one I've not seen before. Then in the window I see X. I see Theseus siting in a corner and Death Dealer with a sword.
I turn and leave.
End test 2 : Fail
'Fail?' I ask. 'Fail' my vioce repeats. Will I ever get to test . 5?' 'Will you ever pass test 2?' my voice ask back.

8311.12

'Good evening.' said a voice sounding like mine. I turned around in my room to face a sight I did not expect to see.
There stood a dark-skined woman. But she was dressed oddly. She wore a purpel mohawk that stood a straight 6 or 7 inches off her other-wise bald head. Her eye make-up was dark and painted vulcan eyes. She had colorful tatoos up and down her arms. There were spiked wrist bands on her colored arms and a black leather glove covered only her right hand. She wore an open black vest, with nothing on underneath. Her black leather pants were tight and shean, and tucked neatly into her high-heeled boots.
She took a step closer and repeated 'Good evening.'
'Who are you?' I asked.
'I'm Death.' she answered.
'Death? Death! You aren't death! Death doesn't look like you.'
'What did you expect? A Skeleton in robes with a cicle*sickle*? Give me a break!'
'All right Death, why are you . here?' I asked.
'You willed me here.'
'I. I willed you here? Ha!!'
'Bullshit.' was Deaths blunt reply. I turned and stared deep into deaths eyes. Then she spoke.
'Force test 2.' there was a snap and I was there again.
I knock at the door. Death Dealer answers and solemly invites me in. Coversation stops and the tension is thick enough to cut. I start conversation 3 times, futily. Its all superficial. I get up, tell Death Dealer why I came by then leave.
End test 2 : Pass.
'You passed.' Said Death , destroying the illusion. 'Time for me to prove with test 3 that you did wish me here.' I say nothing.
Force test 3 ; I'm driving. I just came from Death Dealers house and test 2. I'm slightly depressed.
I get onto the highway, shift into fourth and press down the excelorater. 45 MPH, 55 MPH, 65 MPH, the car begins to shake, 7Ø MPH, 75 MPH, the car shakes a little more, 8Ø MPH, I beg colt to go faster, 85 MPH, the cars limit. It shakes heavily now, the dash shakes like a thing alive.
I revel in the speed, the shaking feels good, I relax and put my head back and take one hand . off the wheel.
Theres a semi truck infront of me. Its moving at about 55 MPH. I'm not. I come up on it fast and signal into the next lane. A four wheel truck takes me by surprise in the next lame. Its passing the semi at 65 MPH and letting the gap widen. I aim the colt and shoot right between the two with little less than 2 feet between me and either car. Then quickly comes the turn.
I smile, theres no fear. As the turn begins to go wide I realized I could just let go and end it all. Instead the right hand comes back to the wheel for an instant and completes the turn. Then from the wheel it goes to the stick and with the cooperation of the left foots puts it in neutral and lets us coast down the off ramp.
End test 3 : Pass.
'I passed,' I said and turned away. 'I didn't summon you here.'
'Bullshit!' was again the blunt reply. There was a long, deafening, silence, then I turned and faced Death again.
'I speak lies again. I have a Death wish. Thats why I drive at 85 M.P.H., thats why I take turns at 4Ø. Thats why I act the way . I do. Buts its only wish, you understand. I court desaster only because I know I'll never marry her.'
'How do you expect to play life?' Death asked.
'I don't know. Right now I can't play, I don't know the rules. Foul is fair and Fair is foul. But I didn't know the rules at Jardine *my middle school* in the Gym class. But I played the games. I had to.
'I have to play this game. Like those, I may not play well, I may not win, but I play. I'm no coward, I won't run to your arms. You can't entice my come there either. If you expected to sudece me with that form, you've got another thing coming to you.'
'You knew more than I thought you did.' said Death. 'I'm glad.
'I never expected to suduce you, only teach you. I've come to find you didn't need the lesson. Why do you resist Death?' she asked.
'I have friends. They may need me, they may not be able to handel the loss. I know it sounds concetied, but thats the reason. I wouldn't be able to handel it if they left in such a way.'
'Don't you ever leave them Damon. You can't ask for a better set of friends.' she then dissappeared.
'Yeah, but they deserve better than me.'

*Death Dealer lived one highway exit from me. I drove a red Dodge Colt. The alignment was slightly off so at speeds above 60 mph it began to shake (65 was the speed limit then). The speedometer only went up to 85mph. The scene I depict here of reaching top speed in a vehicle that was trying to shake itself apart wasn't uncommon for me. I wouldn't have put this kind of passing maneuver past me either. I'm much more careful now - I guess that just comes with age. I've still never had an accident (in the car - over 5 mph - that was my fault). As teens we push to find our limits. This was one example, and the lessons I learned from it.
Also, this would appear to be the first appearance of Death in the form I've come to know.*

8311.13

I just got off the phone with Death Dealer. He's the first contact I've allowed myself to have with my friends in the last 72 hours. I've enjoyed and feared those hours but I feel better for it.
I've done strange things in those days. I drove about aimlessly, I searched without seeking, I tried to become drunk. I did many things yet these are the strangest. *must have been taco's - I've never had alcohol*
I went to school in the dead of night. There was no one there, no sensie's, no students, no memories. There were only voices, mostly mine. And I walked about the campus questioning the lights in darkness. All that time, I felt a nonexistant person behind me, pointing a gun at my skull.
I rode my stallion to a mountain. *must have been Burnets mound - I'm in Kansas* There in the night I laid on his back, stared at the stars, those lights in the darkness and dreamed of fantasies I'll never know.

'What is test 4?'
'Tommorow little one, tomorrow.' answered my vioce. 'You should sleep now.'
DDK *Skull insignia*

8311.14

I had things to say. Dreams to relate, occurances to tell. But all were trivial and unimportant. Besides, I can't think of them now.
Goodnight.

8311.15

Behind me is a wall of cork, infront a wall of people and friends. I am racked with pain as my body shakes in fits and I froth blood at the mouth like a rabid beast.
I look down to the pain in my stomache and see the wooden thorn impaling me to the wall behind. Blood drips down the thorn and through the carved contures of the Thorns visage.
I am in pain as friends walk about the board admiring the Thorns catch. I feel like a dieing butterfly on display. I am no more than an insect with my title below: The Wearer of Masks.
Most laugh at my shaking, bleeding body, others simply disregard me. None wish to free me.
Yet I should have known never to be caught. If anyone pulls out the thorn now I'll only bleed more severly. It will cleanse the wound, yet drain me of all my life.

8311.16

Death Dealer has a problem, its name is X.
She is witch of the worst kind. Death Dealer thinks with his cock and she holds that under her controll.
I try to temper my dislike toward her, espeacily around her puppets. Yet tries her hardest to be on my bad side.
Tonight I found out why. She wants me in the middle of this messy 'situation'. She tries to use me as a test over her hold on two of my friends.
Yet for some very odd reason these friends like. She can make them feel happy. That is her only good. That is the only reason I tolerate her.
I hearby resolve to feel no emotion toward X. I will temper my emotion with reason and counter emotion. I will not alow her to manipulate me or drag me where she so desires.

I am the Grand illusion. My collection of masks is unmatched. False face will hide what false heart knows.
X your in for a hell of a surprise.
. . . DDK *Skull insignia*

8311.17

Death Dealer was a powder keg today, and everyone was a spark. This was truely the first I've ever seen him thus. Its not appealing, and at risk of an explosion, I told him this, and invited talk.
We've had none, but from the pieces I pick up, X is envolved. I wish not to speak without facts, for such an emotional folly is like making a perfect dive into an empty pool.
I've writen the notes. Death Dealer, and Theseus writen in orange - for a firey and strong friendship. I'm sorry writen in blue the color of peace and tranquility. Forgive, in the vanishing cowardes of yellow. Then a dimunitive d and a d and a k, writen in the blackeness that I appoligize for.
X, to you i apoligize - writen in green for her greed and natural ability to witch, and in all fairness perhaps my jealousy (an ugly word I try of avoid, overcome, and refuse). The DDK in black.
If I gather the nerve, perhaps tommorrow I'll deliver these anonomusly to there doors. X will be the hardess.
Why do I feel the ignorant fool? I feel I've missed out on something totally obvious yet seeping through my fingers.

8311.18

Hope is disillusionment pure and simple. All this night I wondered aimlessly, hoping for someone as lost as I.
Hopeing for someone blasted enough not to know, high enough not to care, willing enough to try.
Yet I think too much, I care too much, and my conscious is too strong, my desire to weak too override the rest.
I searched yet closed my eyes.
*I may not have done drugs or alcohol but I knew many did. I watched how others acted when intoxicated. I knew there might be a chance if the other was drunk or high. But even then I didn't want to take advantage of someone's impaired judgment. Also, I should note, one reason I didn't drink at this time was I didn't want to do something (like make a pass at a friend) while under the influence and live (or not live) to regret it later.*
All this started tonight because Death Dealer came by. He was in pain but hiding it well. Looking at him, not in him, and hearing the music, I fell back into pain. When he left, I ran into the darkness hoping to be relieved.

I wrote a note to X. As usuall she couldn't understand. Death has it now. He says he's figured it out and appresiates the message. He must see a little more than I wrote, perhaps not.
I AM THE GRAND ILLUSION, SO WHO BETER THAN I TO SAY; ILUSIONS CAN DIWNDEL PEAK AND PINE. THE SAME AS DREAMS CAN SHATTER AND A MARAGE FADE.
DISILLUSIONMENT IS WORST OF ALL, SO IF YOU CANT UNDERSTAND DON'T READ THIS. . . . . ------------------
. . . DDK . . . | . Happy dreams
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . | Death Dealer

8311.19

I'm in a Godspell. I watched with Death Dealer. I was awed and impressed. And as always, I respect these believes, but cannot believe myself.
If there is a God, why would he let his flock suffer? Why would he let one of his flock suffer? Why leave a wolf in the fold?
X causes to much pain.
Death Dealer called me his only, true, best, friend. I was honored, and told him so, yet I wondered if I was worthy of being best and only.
Death Dealer is a man beyond comprehension. He has taught me so much, simply by being himself. I am humbled by his presents.
Later in the darkness we sat, permeated with music. I watched with care as he sat and danced his way into the levels of his mind.
The music was good, yet all was painfull, and his choise. I watched the pain on his face and felt part of it with him. I listened to the music and the darkness. I fear an elephant roared. I felt shame and more pain and nearly wept for Death Dealer.
All I could think of were the nights events and knew that with one word I could be his next Judas. I hate that word, I fear it, I dislike it, yet I feel it.
Death Dealer you are a man for all men, except me, who is only a shell of a man. I wll never let you down. At least I can be worthy of that.

8311.20

The day after they showed is a joke. I know it will be worse, much worse. There graphic speacil effects were laughable, I've seen betteer graphic effects on Saturday morning.
* 'The Day After' was an evening movie on TV. Greatly hyped at the time as showing graphic details of the events in a nuclear war. Myself and many of my friends where greatly disappointed. I'll give it credit for trying - but as you will see I could imagine much worse. For those of you wondering - The dream sequence of 'Terminator 2' where they turn to ash and blown away in the wind I felt was much more graphic and accurate then 'The Day After' was.*

The doctor rose above the desaster and carnage only half alive and dieing fast. He stood on what was left of his feet and realized his arm was gone. The pain was incredible, his infections massave and spreading. Puss flowed over him as freely as his blood.
He tumbles and crawls forward looking for aid, knowing he'll find none, knowing there is no aid for him.
He hears the gut wrenching scream and looks up. He sees a woman clutching a dead and terribley burned baby. She was herself trapped under a fallen beam, reaching forward for aid. The doctor wanted to help her but know better. He noted her flesh and realized if he siezed her hand and pulled, the flesh would come off like an old glove. He was sickend by the thought.
He was then mercifully taken over by death, and wished the woman similar luck.

Thats one tenth of a day after.

8311.21

The young milittant takes a step forward in age.
All I seem to do is take steps backward.
I thought I'd call her Bubbles. The name fitts only one of her aspects. I need another multifaceted name. She is taskmaster, friend, teacher, student, ... . . . found it!
I have a Guilding light. She is brite and beatiful. I have no other pleasure like that of trying to reach her goal. Yet as I reach, and strive to go forward ... I seem to miss a rung here and there in the ladder of life and fall backward, down to the bowels wence I came.
I have climbed so high reaching and even if I lose that light, I am proud to stand were I am now. Yet I hope to any God alive I can climb higher.
To sleep I go, out out brief candel. The light would be mad if she knew I used that literaly and not literarialy.
*The Guiding Light was one of my Teachers. I loved her class even though I felt I was this close to failing it every day. It didn't matter - I was learning a lot, and she made it seem fun.*

8311.22

"Never say you are sorry afterwards, always beforehand. In that way you will guide your life, rather than repair it ..." Death Dealer.
I reseived an image, on the back this was writen.
Death Dealer you ar a prophet, gifted with the vision of genius . and the talent to express it.
I delivered the notes today making this all the more ironic to me. Death Dealer you are the closet to me the one I love most, yet you are also my greatest fear.
In your beliefes there is an allegory involving a batch of seeds. I am a seed, and you will believe I fell among the weeds. But thats not the reason I failed to grow. I am a seed, with a black worm eating his way from my core to shell. I am a seed with a rotten core.
I am a shield master. My work done so well there is a maze about me. Death Dealer has penetrated the furthest, having stayed in the longest and being most skillfull. Theseus has been in as long as Death Dealer yet he doesn't listen to reason instead his emotions. Thus he wanders about me aimelssly comeing nearer, slowly. The Indian in black has hardly been in yet penetrated deeper then Theseus. Yet his pace is now slower than Death Dealers because I slow him, not trusting me.
Death Dealer poses a problem though. I have found I can hide near nought from him, yet he can hide near all from me. When he gains (if he gains) entrance to the core and sees, he can destroy all. And may see it as his duty to do so.

8311.23

At Death Dealers I be. Here I fear for a live not yet begun except in darkness. The night I stay, in the darkness I must be careful. Eyes useless should be put out in the darkness.
He is my friend, my teacher, my guide, and my hero. Yet I fear him. I know why. I'm dieing from the inside, and I don't like it. I would rather have Death Dealers soothing touch of death. If he knew of the corruption he would gladly give the touch. But I'll not let him know.
I'll crawl off the under a rock. Where on top lies a hero torchered by a hawk daily. Under this brutal picture I'll lay quitely and fade into eternity.
I'll not play the part of the Roman fool upon his sword.
The monkey on the tigers face stares at me with this evil eyes. I resist the words he speaks as I block the roar of elephants.
Death Dealer and I spar, I apply symbols in my mind. But my apponets are too strong. I have a good score here and there, but a battle doesn't make the war. I always lose.
How can one die with honor in tact if what he is is un-honorable?
I must restore self. Stop wire walking and continue. Aid me, please.

8311.24

Today I give thanks.
Thanks for my will power and my life.
Thanks for my friends without whom I wouldn't have a life or the will power to live it.
Thanks for lights in the darkness, where I fly to, but am denied.
Thanks for having forefathers that ate turkey instead of liver on this day.

Thanks for my firends, my health, half my job, and an understanding brother.

I work tommorrow. So I sleep now.
. . . . . . DDK *Skull insignia*

© April 1998 (copyright implied by date of entry, date covers web publication)