Book 2 June 9 1983 to December 12 1983

8310.08 considered

I am up late for terror, music and to forget. Forget what? I have forgotten allready.
The terror. First a man of telepathic dilusions. Sending his dreams of pshycological magiks to the others around. 'Save me!' he yells in his hostpital room. 'Come to me.' whispers his dead mother.
Then the mamba is lose. This german is dangerous, we are trying to kidnap the boy. Complications arise, the policeman is dead, we are trapped, and a very deadly snake is lose. 'Where is it?' they say. 'Here I am!' it hisses. 'Kill it!' they yell. 'Catch me if you can!' it snears. 'Come back here to die!' they yell. 'Mine!' it hisses as it kills the german, and the german kills it.
The boy, the woman, the Grandfather all leave save. Yet the snake lives. In its children.
The music is piped in through the vents which are fixed. Two songs I've heard, the rest are new. They play even now. They are good no need to be fixed. This will let me crawl through the dessert and Reach the Beach.
Soon I need sleep for sainity. My dreams need to run free and let out my fustrations. To dream is to understand, to live. To remember is to die in turmoil.
Music has its messages. I recieve the fixx.

8310.09

Never be asured your illusion is real.
I now exist in a paradox. I am alone, apart and detached, yet I feel what goes on.
All was set, all was well. Theseus came over and we went for Death Dealer. All was set, all was well. We went to and enjoyed a movie. All was well.
Two friends, one a ninja, one a ninja secrete. The ninja secrete betray the ninja and on the hieghts of the concrete jungle they fought - ninja to ninja. One died. All was well.
We left, we came to my obode. We threw, we shot, We spared. All was well. We spared Two against my one. They were a team, they worked well. I was holding my own but falling fast from exaustion. All was well.
I ran to the front of the house and am sudenly shocked to see X! 'Stay out of this!' I yell. Not meaning the spar - I meant for her to leave. She did not. All was ... Shit.
She had them both in the palm of her hand. And she seemed to have a need to prove it. I had tired to get her to leave, droped subtle hints. She had her target.
She turned my team against me. All three siezed the Thorns weapon and struck me hard! They struck again and again. I knew they were not responsible, but I needed to strike back.
I did strike back, I tried to get the sorce of the attack, X. She played her two pawn well. I became the court jester as I was disarmed and sent to the ground.
I bleed from the soul as I pulled an escape and ran into hiding.
X revealed in this power, I could see it in her constant smile.
Each pawn was then set into new motion. Each was allowed to realize, what they did but not why. And a seed was planted as she left.
Theseus and Death Dealer sought out my hiding place full of pity and apoligy. They found me in the darkness of my soul were I chased them out, twice.
Thank god that the darkness protected my weakness and niether knew that I held back tears unsuccesfully. It had been so long since I have felt the emotion enough to tear. The anger was great.
Death Deler then came again. I tried to toss him out but he stayed. As he told me he was sorry I learned what else was going on. While the gardener was gone a weed had grown. X had total control.
Theseus and Death Dealer were again at odds. Death Dealer left, and soon after I secretly left the dark.
As I was in the light, an Theseus was in dark looking for me, I realized I had two ninjas. Two ninjas on the hieghts of adolecances, fighting viciously with sabers forged of words, yet moved by another.
Theseus found me in the light. I turned from him and left the battle feild for nourishment.

When I returned Theseus was leaving. A battle had taken place. Death Dealer was bleeding badly - struck, he said, with lies.
I could not see Theseus'es wounds.
I nourished Death Dealer and then set us on a walk.
I let him chose the paths, I walked to side listening, only listening. Then he stoped talking and I fell back a pace and listened to our endless steps.
I watched Death Dealers face, and his movements. I could see the gears turning - Hate, control, blood, control, Anger, control, violence, control, diecite, control, Love, alot of love. For Theseus well spent, for X sorely misplaced.
I would have walked any distance for Death Dealer, but was pleased he took a path to home and womb.
I left him there, I began the walk home.
I shamed myself for momentary beastly thoughts of manipulation, the only thing that stoped me were visions of X. I wouldn't sink to her level. I will never sink that low if ever I can help it!

X, you are a bitch,
Where did you learn to be such a Witch.
You siezed two very hot rods,
And put out the eyes of friends.
You keep them blind,
and revele in there blood battle.
You treat men no better then cattle.

I will confront you witch.
I hope to make a switch.
I intend cut your stings,
And tie the bonds you broke.
Its those like you who make me happy to be what I am.
Its my friends who make me resent it.

I thought I lose my emotions long ago in some forgotten war. It seems there back, and your working them overtime.

8310.10

Hell, fuck, shit - God Damn son of a bitch!
Never before have I been in so much pain and felt so good.
For three days I have not gotten up and run. Today I didn't have to work, I sleept even later. I felt magnificent!
Theseus and Death Dealer are still on oppisite sides of the sword.
I am begining to have a mastery with the learning key. A test a program all well done!
the idiot trys to copy. And I seem to fall short on a branch of the learning tree.
I ran again my three mile route, now in the evenings when its warmer. I ran and felt great! My body however rebeled.
I cramped, I ached, I strained, I hurt, but I ran - and ran it all.

neg plus neg equal positive, thus add sign came with neg plus neg equal positive eight or plus eight.
I figured it out Death Dealer. It poped into my head and cleared only some fog in numerical confusion.
Die Al - Gegra - bra! Die and mess not up my mind!
DDK *skull insignia*

831Ø.11

. . geh, geh-heh-heh .... Ha ha ha ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Heh - Ha! Ha!
^{Ha Ha} Ha Ha Ha! Ha! Ha!
. . Fuck off Bitch. heh-heh-heh-ha!
tee-hee-heh - Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ho.! Ho! Ho! Ho - Ha - Ha! Ha Ha.

That's Hilaryious!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Heh - Heh - Ho!
(Gasp!) Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
oh, oh ... oh ... oh! .. oh, oh, ho! ho!
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Heh - Heh - He! He! He! He!
. . oh, y-you ( he - he - he ) idiot! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
oh, oh, (gasp!) He - he - He - he - Ha - Ha!
Aaaah - Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ho - ho! Ha - ha! Ha!
^{oh, oh shit,} oh Shit! Oh Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Sleep.
Z Z Z Z ^{Z Z Z Z Z Z Z} Z _{Z Z Z Z z}

831Ø.12

New workout, good work out.
Death Dealers design to strenghten me. Powered by my will to change me.
The Indian in Black, took me back. I let him use God-send, a weapon of my ancestors, modified.
He took me west to the days of the iron rod and gun powder. He showed me a gun.
Bang! ... Bang! ... Bang! ... Bang-Bang-Bang! . . . rrrrRinnnggg . . .
The strenght of many, the fun of hundreds, the respect of a world.
The Death Dealer, the plans, then workout, then my run in the cold and pain of the dieing.
The cold is bitter and biteing. Yet with circulating blood and warm clothes its bearable.
Yet pain quick developed and siezed control. My left side became racked with incredible, sharp, knifing pains. These wrenched my inards and torched my mind.
I dared not be seen by friends in this much pain. I wasn't seen.
After the run it last 25 moments, I write after 3Ø.
Good night world.
. . \ DDK /
Was x *skull insignia*
. . / Here \
*This was a large X that crossed the page with the following written in the spaces.*

8310.13

Oh, mom-ma, its so hard out there. I just can't keep away from the heat and stink of the city.
So help me ma ma, its getting so hard -
Heh heh! ... heh. Ha - ha! Ha - oh \ .
Ha - Ha! .. Ha - ho \ .

Death Dealer, will you be okay?
'I don't know. Its turned around this time. I either deal the pain and suffering, or I deal with it. Now I didn't deal it, I can't take it away, and I'm not the one suffering.'
He's in no pain Dealer, and he shouldn't be until after surgery.
'I know but I don't know what to do.'
Just be there Dealer, I've been on all sides before. Just be there, let them talk, listen well, and answer back. Just . be.

Death Dealers cousion the Teddy-bear is afoul inside. With what we know not. All but Death Dealer and I supect the worst. Death Dealers 6^th says its not serious I trust that 6^th and hope its not wrong.

Be well Teddy, be well by your own will.
I'm dieing from the inside, its not pretty. Don't like this.

8310.14

We started down, we came up to where I am now.
Downs - Teddy-bear, Death Dealers down mood because of afore mentioned, Learning key madness, madness of 5 link chain, ect .... ect...
Ups - the night, the weather, fun of Pops concert, Death Dealers improved mood, tacos, music, the run, the food - Going for it!!!

Ha - Ha - Ha !! What a day and a ½! I hit the basement of life in the elevator and then shot to the

Spirits in Material Wrold. And the Walls come tumbling
. Down.
. Logical Song
. Pop Music
. Ma Ma
. Total Eclipse of the Heart
. Tainted Love.
. Hotel Califorina

*Drawing of a skull with glowing eyes. Going for It !! written diagonally up the page and underlined with a squiggly line 5 times which then becomes a drawing of a nose and large smile.*

8310.15

Its late and I'm set to catch my prey.
I use a small mechanism, some tape and box. All intricately working together to form the perfect trap.
My prey? Some talking Heads speaking in tougne.
-
The trap is sprung. I have begun to catch the speaking heads talking in tougne. I'll listen throughout, yet if I don't like what I hear, then I'll release the sounds they make to oblivion.
These heads bable on to there next sentance, it seems different. Not bad yet not pleasurable. Babble on heads, speak on yell out your sentences.
I'll give my verdict to you when you finish.

Visions float about in my head of other things. New, old, and different lives.
Stairs of my life lead up and end up down, or Stairs lead down and end up up. Move down the hall to left and end up up right. Go down right, end up up left. Up left leads down right, Up right - down left. It folds in expands out. Emplodes and unfolds. Confusion was and is or will be the idea.

8310.16

I have visions of dieing yet not really dieing. Not really dead for I rise again but I'm no longer whole, I'm blind.
I change radicly. I rid myself of my old eyes and fall behind those that stare back. My hands and chest display the face of death and wrist were bound in spikes. My ear carried the golden ring and my hair became a stripe.
Blind thou I was, I avenged my death and the injurys to my firends.

Its late, and if I don't die now I won't be able to resurrect in the morning.
*Drawing of stoic man with mirrored sunglasses, ear ring and a mohawk. The back of his fist and forearm are shown below with my skull insignia on the back of his hand and a leather spiked wrist band*

8310.17

'Lay on McDuff! And woe to he who first cries 'hold enough!"
The calm struggling alien often wishes to be called Arthur, King Arthur Pendragon, King of all england and Lord of all Camelot. In my opinion he is far from deserving of such a title, but he, like all others, are alowed illusions of grandur.
So be he King Arthur. So be I MacBeth. Raised to king by decite, bedfellow of a letcherous wife, living in constant fear, seeking the advice of whitches who wish my down fall, and lastly knowing whom will cause my downfall but not who until moments before.
'I have nothing to fear from man born of woman.'
'Then shalt the know, McDuff was from his mothers womb untimely riped!'
'Nay this cannot be. Yet it must be true, for now I lie dead on the steps to the throne.
Ha ha. I planed well though. I left heirs to the throne. Many heirs, many rightful and prophicized hiers. Which will posses the crown, eh?

I chuckle as my own life bleeds away slowly.

8310.18

Theseus at X's lair. "Come into my parlor.' said the spider to the fly.' Is the only thing that comes to mind.
I ran by and ran away. I came back and left a sign of my presents to Theseus and walked away.
'May I be blunt, X?' I see myself saying to her in mind.
'Sure.' she replys in that innocent way of hers
'It tears me apart to see two lives, the lives of people I care about, being torn apart over a bitch like you. To me there is no boubt what choises should be made. To them there choising one life or another. I hope that they realize soon that one choise saves two lives, and the other destroyes two and half.'
'What are you implying?' she says drawing back.
'If they chose eachothers freindship they save two lives, there own. You won't hurt because you can alway manipulate other fools. If they chose you, they destroy two and a half. They wreck eachothers, and when you jilt the 'winner' one is destroyed again.'
'Your a Bastard!' she yells.
'And your a Bitch. That makes us even. Have a nice day - Mistress of a thousand ...." and I walk away.

*I'm always brave in my head. X knew I didn't like her much - but we never said anything close to this*

8310.19

My Grandfather is alive in here.
I'm no longer unemotional, alone, detached, but I do feel like another brick in the wall.
I feel the noise and I want to rock my boy, but the Beast and the dragon both forbid.
I read the news today, but no one died. Teddy-bear is sick and in bad shape but shoulld not die. The turn-coat cells my yet die charged with treason.'
'My what pretty blue man.' I exclaimed.
'Blue man? Where? I only see an ugly red sphere.' exlcaimed Death Dealer.
'I see a green tetrahedrain.' commented Theseus. X replied;
'I see nothing at all.'
We all staired at the same object, we all saw a different thing.
The object moved. As it did all his form changed, as did his colors flash from one to another.
None saw the same as he moved away.
I then shruged my shoulders and split into my componet parts and walked off in my assemblage. X vanished and reappered in three places - him, him, her. Theseus tumbled away like a clown, a child, a monkey, a rat, a cat. .. .. .. Death Dealer turns and walks off in his paradoxes.

831Ø.2Ø supplemenatary

By candel light, I write. The light of day has scarcely left the earth yet I need a candle in the depths.
Why do I feel lost?
Hello! Hello. elle. lo. lo. lo. lo.
Where am I, i, i, i, i, i, i
To infinity the echoes calls. They and the scrach of pen are the only sounds I hear. I hear, I hear, hear, here.
Death Dealer occupies my mind. Mind, Mind. mind, mind. mind. Mind.
I shiver in the cold and think of his brutal calousness and how he's changed. Changed. changed, changed.
Or have I simply changed and percieve him to have changed.
No, even so, he acts differently, and because of X. X. X. X. X. X.
'How did the cards fall? fall fall fall fall fall fall
'I'm fine. Ha-ha! I'm in controll!'
Ha-ha Control, Ha - Controll, controll, controll, ha-ha.
Hold friend, you can't expect all fair to be foul and foul to be fair. Even MacBeth learned there are rules over him.
Foul is fair, fair is foul, foul is fair, fair is foul.
Soldgers march for Yragael, I don't want Death Dealer there.
There, there, there, there, there, there, ere, ere, ere
Blind men wish to see, yet you who are sighted walk in blindness.
Blindness, blindness, indness, indness, ness, ness, blind.
There is a fair chain, and one link leads to another. Don't walk into the abyse.*abyss*
Abyse, bis, iss, iss, iss, iss. *
Take the first step!

*This next part will one day be scanned. However, what we have is
Step! Step! Step! Step! Step!
The same line written over And the echoes step Step!! Step!!
Step!! Step!! Step!! Step!! written over itself two times
Step!! Step!! Step!! Step!! written over itself three times
Step!! Step!! Step!! written over itself four times. (so it looks like an echo)
Drawing of a very large NO with a anguished face in the N and the center of the O is a scribbled !*

I don't know what to do. I'm still lost in my own mind.
Death Dealer has taught me so much. I don't want to lose his disiplines.
I could, and can, soar like an eagale, but only becuase he's the wind under my wings.
You are a friend, a Paradox, and my hero. I don't know what to do.

What do I do!?
Hell! Whats the question!

© March 1998 (copyright implied by date of entry, date covers web publication)