Book 2 June 9 1983 to December 12 1983

8309.19

Symbolism city, here I come.
I awake and there is no sence of ergency. I feel empty, alone, detached, but oh so real.
I go about my daily routine, then I go to school. But I go to a class I don't have, with people who couldn't be in it.
I am in a sculpture class, beside me is Death Dealer and Thesus. About the room is the Indian in black, the Calm struggling Alien, the Young militant, Ivan-thorn-ho!, Wraith, Rusty, Runners of acquantiance, Men of skill, and more. All of them move about me in slow motion.
Then one catches my eye. He is a stranger sitting in the middle of the room. He moves normaly as do I.

It then strikes me that I've seen him before or he reminds me of someone. I become transfixed, I can't figure out when or who he reminds me of.
Into the room strides the idoit. He is depressed and seeking solice simply because life won't carry him. As he walks by he touches the tormenting stranger. This muscular, brazen figure erupts with a cry of pain, draws a katona and kills the idiot there.
Then I realized who he was. He was a composite of all in room, except myself.
He walked over to me.
'You know who I am?' he asked
'I believe so.' I replied
'I am your ..... Wish.' he stated.
'My solace you mean.' I said and turned to him. I reached out to him, and passed through him.
He now sported horns and a pointed tale. He laughed and siezed my arm.
'I may be your solace, but I'm your problem first. I've draged you through hell and back, and I'll do it again before I let you touch me!'
With that he flung me to the ground and vanished into his separtate parts. The class moved normaly now, and I moved in slow motion ....
Alone, lost and detached.

8309.2Ø

Quick must this be for time ticks way past ten.
Anger, hate and blood were the morning hours. I was screwed by the beuocracy and never wish to see such and ungly pussy again.
In only hours past my spirits were raised to new hieghts, as I will be physicly. Only my spirits will rise as phisically I am droped like a rock.
I dive from the sky!
I will have to overcome petty fears and will myself.
I love my friends.

8309.21

Visions already dance in my head of leaping from great hieghts suspended only by string and cloth.
All warn me, 'Your crazy!' 'you could die, horribly' , ' You're gonna breake every bone in your body.' . But I don't care.
I want to fly, this is the closest I'll ever come.
I must admit I am a little timid, but only a little. I'm more afraid of what I'll feel on the way down ... alone, detached.
But I do want to jump.
I will jump. Death Dealer says 'If at first you don't succeed, so much for Skydieing."

8309.22

Glory will be mine soon. I will kiss the sky, ride the wind and met the ground.
Many wish me luck, others say I'm crazy, one inadvertanly yet purposefully tries to stop me.
This venture cost me many gold. And the Dominator tries to delay my payments from work. But I have back up! Heh, heh! Mothers Mother will loan me gold until I can get it from the Dominator.
All this aside, Death Dealer was not with me today. His throat felt gone, thus he stayed at home. I saw Theseus for only moments. I visited Death Dealer and wished him well. He said he should be fine.
The Dragon roars and his steamy mists are putting visions in my mind. Maybes and impossible might be are explored.
In the Knight of waiting I see a figure in my bed, moving as one with me. Always a possiblity.

*Picture of a man falling (with 'sleeves' and 'pant legs' flapping in the fall) with a parachute coming from his back* DDK

8309.23

Most of the time I write what I feel and not happens. Facts of my life come through as symbols.
Dominator had me in his iron grasp. He sneered through his face plate as I degrated myself by begging for mercy. I wanted free so badly.
I'm flying! Yet theres no plane. I fly for hours and I am so happy, so free.
I begin to lose altitude. Try as I might, And I tried hard. I could not regain the lost hieght. I fell faster and faster ever encreasing speed. I began to fear and dread as the ground rushed closer and closer, ever faster. The earths jagged rocks rose up to met me, and went we met it was abrupt!
I lay cring in wells of blood. As I sobbed in disappointement all I could see was red, my life leaking away.
Then came Death Dealer. He lent me his hand and pulled me out of the wells of anger. He comforted me, mended bones, and restored my life. I Thank him greatly.

*Drawing of a rocky terrain with a body face down and reaching over some rocks, with streams of blood running out from behind them. DDK and skull insignia worked into it.*

*This was my first failed attempt at Sky Diving. It is still on my wish list of things to do. Paternal over-ride vetoed this one. I was 'crushed' emotionally. It was as if I had jumped from the plane and had my chute fail to open. I remember storming out of the house and going to Death Dealer's. We talked for hours. Made me feel better.*

8309.24

Lifted from the rocks I stood and Thanked Death Dealer for the assist.
Then with his image in my mind and heart, I pulled a Slaughter house five. Vaulting into the past I met with Fantasy.
As I moved forward to met my friend Fantasy, I found him in bonds and chains, held by Dominator. Held by his iron hand and bound by his chain. Fantasy fought to be free, but could not gain that elusive concept. Yet still his light shown through and bathed me in its splendor.
I so wished that I only had one eye and a green hand to close around it.
Back in the amber encased moment of the present I handed will a thud. No Death Dealer, no Thesus, no Calm Struggling Alien, no one.
Loki torchered me a moment and then I was driven into the darkness and the danger of the night time Tempest. I navigated the flowing black river and felt only alone, and detached.
Home safely am I now. Nesteled in my bed, with fantasies in my head. Tonight. Tomorrow. Ever going on into ...
. . . . . Emotions, non -

8309.25

Lanced with pain I fel to my knees. The Black Beast was back and he held the feared staff of power.
Instictively I cried for help, a sign of weakness to this foe.
'Death Dealer!' I cried in anguish and pain. There must be a divinity above for he and Thesus were engaged in practices of skill, and did not hear me.
Here I realized I must fight alone! He came out of the forest and siezed a powerful weapon of manipulation. No one but myself and assembled selves could battle here.
This Dragon lords howl was inhuman and threatened my sanity. 'Fight fire with fire' I thought, but I had no fire to fight with.
From the rod there materialized a book. The cover had a picture of the Beast upon it. Again he roared and then let the staff take controll over me.
I fought hard against the staffs influnces, I had managed to lock it away for the past days. I thought myself rid of this object and its influences, but here I am tring to wrest controll of my mind from it.
I can feel the sanity of selves sliping from my grasp. The Book!

I knew only one thing; That book was either my doom or his destruction.
The inhuman roar asalted my phycy once again and I struck back. In desperation I siezed the book and opened the pages of the runes.
The runes glowed and shed light on the Beast. There was a silence, like the calm in the middle of the storm.
Suddenly incame the Calm Struggling Alien searching for his once and future king. The Beast growed in the silence. I feared for the Aliens life for he was oblivious to all around him except the search for his once and future king. I sent him off, searching elsewhere for his once and future king.
I turned back to the Beast only to be struck as he thanked me for recharging him.
Angered I lept to my feet and siezed a sword. Every now and then I fall apart and now I was wreck striking back like a mainac.
I slashed the Beast and watched as the white blood leaked out slowly, and pulsed with every throb of his heart.
I felt stained as I gathered up the mess and shoved the bones - into my closest. I locked it all away. Only I could visit these bones. I have to be very carful with them too, for the world is a poweder keg, and the bones make sparks. I wish not to die in the explosion.

Death Dealer called to me for conversation. I told him nothing but lissened intently. I could only answer in hollow replies.
Finally he went back to practicing his skill, and I back to gaurding my closet.

8309.26

Late It is! Late!
Even the elfling Puck is asleep at Oberions Side! Yet I the night Nymph am Awake!
Fun had I with Teachers, song, dance, and Talent it the Follies!
Then went I and friends of Two to Taco Tico Tonight! - And Blasted became I from magic hot spice!
Faster and faster went the carriot of red flame. More and More I drove like the Mad Possesed! Fear did come to my Fellows!
Now here I must rest!

*I doubt that happened. Wasn't until the mention of Taco Tico I realized why this entry had such a strange appearance to it. I was wired! Something strange I may not have mentioned to you before. I love spicy food. But I am hyper sensitive to the chemical that naturally gives people energy - it makes me very Hyper. Bouncing off the wall nuts. I never did drink or do drugs. I did on occasion do Taco's. My friends came up with the terms 'getting sauced' or 'In-taco-cated' for me. I have since learned some self control.
By the way, the Follies. It was a faculty talent show put on for the students. It was great to see teachers doing something different.*

8309.27

There I sat in the learning tree. Reading the leaves and sketching down ideas. From atop the tree climbed down the Indian in Black. He visits with me often when I'm there, he is assistant caretaker of the tree and dose his job well.
The Indian is a strong, adventurous, and loyal youth growing very quickly into true manhood. He is a man of very many skills. Agility, Knowledge, Imagination, and well versed the arts of Battle, mental, physical, and armed.
His eyes are dark brown and are windows to his beatuful soul. His hair, long and black, often in braids with feathes like his ancestors before. His flesh is dark, not brown, not red, but dark. His body shows his work and comands respect.
Conversation began and one thing leads to another and so on, until he lets out a small growl. The growl was friendly and harmless, to any one else. To me the tree shook to the root with a monsterous roar from within me.
I quickly left the tree with an excuse and the beast struck back. A cobra slitherd out from within my Gie. I was petrafied for I couldn't run. It posed and spread its hood. The tounge lashed out and blinded me, the struck.
It siezed my jugular and pumped the white venom into me. I die even now.

*I wish I could have talked to someone. It would have been nice to know these kind of sexual impulses where normal for a walking teenage hormone like I was.*

8309.28

'All in the draw of the Cards' says Death Dealer.
'You are the Prince of Swords, this covers you, this crosses you. This is your foundation, this is behind you, this crowns you, and this is before you. The one you fear, your familys thoughts, this is significant, and this is the final outcome.'
These cards told me many a thing that could happen. Most were optomistic until I secretely asked of the Beast.
'The answer is yes, it will work out to your satisfaction, but a man with blue eyes and possibly blonde hair will cause you problems.'
Death Dealer, you are the one I fear here, and your eyes are blue, even through your new eyes.

Gored upon food I will rest now. Today I was Greek, tomorrow I become a Gypsy of middle ages.
*Drawings of the Tarot cards with arrows for the directions of which where spoken above. Next to it is a large jaw-less Skull with glowing eyes.*

8309.29

'Will my wish ever come true?' I asked the cards. My wish is a simple one, For my friends, Death Dealer, and Theseus in particular, to be happy and lead full lives.
Death Dealer interpeded the cards words for me. They spoke words of wisdom to me. Death Dealer oblivious to this.
~This will surly occurr. If you can controll yourself and your baser insincts.~
Controll of myself and my own inner beasts is vital to my friends and my own survival.

Ideas; Group consisting of Hydra, the snake man - refer to sketches.
Then the man of vision. A creative intellect coupled with the ability to read with 120% comprehension (memerize word for word with one reading) at the speed of 2,ØØØ WPM. The eyes are pupil. Sensitive to light, yet with a 2ØØ% wider cone of vision (light intake regulated by the 'shut down' of cones & rods.
The the Prepared man. Ready of anything.
*Drawings of man with a Mohawk (Hydra), a bald man with a set of 'stripe goggles' connected to a headset (Vision), and a motorcycle helmet (Prepared man). These are ideas for super Heroes. I made them all the time.*

8309.3Ø

Every-once-in-awhile one must put up barriers and live in a gilded cage.
Balor you damnable thief and rouge. You and your scared flesh again rose to the top of my consciousness and worked your trade.
Bull whip, bow an' arrow and Bastard sword in hand, you thieved from my friends. I over powered you long enough to refuse Death Dealers and Theseus invite to terror, which you could have turned into a feasco.
I banish thee! I comand thou to leave nere return! I will grant happiness by controll of my baser elements. You, Balor, are one such element. Leave now you pitiable fool. I wish not to see you ruin my friends happiness. Go, Go to the recesses of my forest and die in the cold of night.
I stand in a dessert, pounding a staff into the ground. I relize that when I'm finished with that staff I'll move onto another, and another, and so on. I've put in the first bar to my prision.
Every-once-in-awhile we must put up barriers and live in a gilded cage.
'Is anyone out there-ere-ere-ere-ere" None heard, not even the chair.

8310.01

Midnight was the hour nere five minents past. I write now.
I betrayeth you not, friend truth. I will but shield you with my lies.
Friends were I with but apart from. I walked behind, alone, unemotional, detached.
In the dead of night, we dressed in black, I tried to see, I tired to follow, tried to stay found.
I followed the fading, waxing, waning, figure of Theseus. Death Dealer near, yet not seen. In and out, In and out, waxing, waning, walked the figure of Theseus. A man of little logic, reason, order, mercy yet looking for his own justice.
Came we to the tree. A stiff, unmoving, uncaring tree. Here we climbed, here we sat, here we waited. There was a ran of bark upon me, for I was below my friends, detached, umemotional, dead.
I sat, asleep in the cold bowles of the tree. I awoke to spasms of pain as I lost my legs.
Then came the flashing lights and whoping noise, follwed by silence. Two paniced nervously, one remain silent, unemotional, detached. Two moved quickly and hurried a legless one along. Two walked forward as one became blinded by the light. Two stayed drinking as one left dry, tring to cover his pain and weakness. He closed the door, alone, unemotional, Detached.

8310.02

Into the past I read, I find I feel no different now than a month ago. I still feel alone, apart, detached.
'Oh, my God! Freak my mind!'
oh what to call her. She was Theseus'es maid, but no longer, he calls her wench. Death Dealer and I call her friend, but to me more of aquantaince. I know her not, I saw her once a day for a month, I've seen her 3 times in two days in extensive time. I've been to her house and seen her family. We've talked.
For now I call her X. X for eXcititng, uneXpected, Thesesus's 'X' and for all her hidden self.

I banished Balor, I have controll of the Beast. Yet I feel, alone, empty, detached, ... Superfical. I believe I've become a thoughtless person watching a puppet. My mind watches as something pulles the strings and my body jumps.

I know the beast exists, the meditating boy is cramped, the closet locks are weak. I give into stress now and surrender 8407.01. I once said 17 and 3, now I say nay, 2 score minus 2.
'No!' I yell to my self now.
'You object? You have that long to make a change!' so be it.

8310.03

Recieved, Death Dealer, assembeld, targets.
Breath in, grip, draw back, minor pain, grunt, 'Thap', draw-place-slide, Aim, Breath in, wink, 'Chick-fffisht-THACK!', resounding joy, Repeat.
Hunt, serach, talk, Repeat, Repeat - ect.
Joy of all Joys. It came, it came! I'm selfish.
This be the only cross I will bear. Zeuse's bolts of Lightning fly and land with a resounding THACK! Peoples mercinary needs watch out!
*My 'pistol' Crossbow arrived. Ordered from the 'Sharper Image catalog. Had to save for a long time to get it but enjoyed immensely once I got it.*

Man is Man, yet a boy is not
Woman is girl, Girl is female
. . All alike.
Man is Man, yet child is not
Offspring is child, children androgenous.
. . All alike
A Man is a Man only after Woman
. . and child.
A Man is Manly and is answerable,
. . only to Death.
Man is mortal, Man is blind, Man is Mad.
Man is most revered, Man is most hated.
Child is a better Man, yet call them
. . Men, we do not.
Woman does more than man, yet
. . Call them Men, we do not.
Man is a synonem for obsolete, weak,
. . Stiff as a dying tree.
I am my own man, I hope never,
. . to be yours.

8310.04

Born are you thus, God-son!
You are black as Erobus, sleek as Venus, powerful as Hercules, like Posidiens Trident, firing Zeuse's bolts.
Babtised in the hands of Death Dealer, the Indian in Black, Theseus and myself.

Tick Tock, the clock has struck.
Queen nab comes to me
To sleep must I flee.
The Day ends in darkness & visions,
Life, with vision and Death.
. . . . . . DDK *Skull insignia*

8310.05

All in the Draw of the Cards, There are powers on these pages, Time ticks past, into Future, stealing the present like Balor.
. . Fortune, fate, happen-stance, Norns,
. . Prime mover, the Force, Being, God.
. . Reaper, Messenger, Horse men, Death

Sasquatch hunts in forest, he's hunting Beasts, rid me of mine.
You starting something, got ta be startin' somethin', goin to the Doc. Don't sleep! She'll kill you in your dreams! She'll come and suffocate you.
Let the Castel stand!
Here Kitty-kitty-kitty. Take this! (Its a visual, if you don't get it we'll be here 1Ø:18)#
10:18! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

8310.06

Two things are on my mind, two things I will write. One plain, one surreal.
Death Dealer, you've struck me with a blow most foul. I pain from it only because you promised aid then refuse attention to the wound.
For an unknown reason you siezed Ivan-ho-the Thorn's weapon and struck me with it. In the Thorns hands the bat is only an agravating weapon of small painless blows. In your expert hands the bat becomes a lethal weapon of devistating blows.
'Please, I ask you as friend, put down the weapon.'
'I asked you as a friend to stop jokingly refering to youself as my god' (this is from 'Jesus Christ! or God' to my reply of 'Yes'.) "and you didn't stop why should I?'
'But I did stop. I sliped once yesterday and apoligized.'
'Your right. I'll stop.' Death Dealer turned and struck me with the bat again. The pain still lingers.

I stand on a throne, encased in a prision of spikes.
Then from heaven hovers angel, from hell a demon. The East brought a common man, the West brought Balor's messenger Adonis.
All began to torment, taunt, and tempt me into escape.
This flimsy prison could not hold me, it is I who stay.
All argued, escape; self prophet, self fullfillment, pride, love and many more.
My knees buckeled and I fell into the seat in a struggle against gravity. My legs were no longer mine, move they did not.
To deal out a punishment stern enough against yourself which only you know about is difficult enough. These temptors I need not!
'Do you remember me, on the street of Dreams, Am I a mystery? Run it through you memory, I am no fantasy, Please remember me.'
'I see who you are, and who you were. I recognize you not. you changed internally , externally, sublimely, you are not in memory.'
Thus I fell and turned to dust, only to be tormented by my ashes. *Drawing of a floating head (from 3/4 behind) with a halo looking down on a man in ring of poles. To the left is a man standing facing the man in the circular prison. To the right a man walking toward him. Below him is a fire with a pointed tale comeing out of the bottom and a pitch fork come out of the top.*

*The Thorn-weapon of Ivan-ho - teasing me about being an alien from another planet. Though I had vowed to drop it at this point, others wouldn't let it go. Ivan-ho/the Thorn was one of my regular 'tormentors' I expected it from him. I didn't expect it from my friends. In fact I had kind of worked it into my mind that my friends didn't mention it. If they knew me, they knew other things to talk to me about.
The Joke that upset Death Dealer. When someone 'curses' and says "Jesus!" or "God!" then you say, "Yes?". Since religious folk generally consider taking the lords name in vain wrong this should be a helpful reminder that they are doing something wrong. However, Death Dealer at the time being very religious, took great offense that I would answer for his god. He asked me to stop, and I said I did with the occasional slip (a good joke like that can become a habit) and an apology.*

8310.07

The day was fine. I started in the learning tree, proceeded to Jewels, and the art of numerical confusion. I returned to the learning tree then proceeded to the learning key. There the idiot acted as a rude Jester. Death Dealer is in my mind though.
Death Dealer again struck me with the Thorn's weapon. The blow was not severe but it was painful.
Of Late I, and I only, have noted hostilitys from Death Dealer to myself. I fear these hostilities because to him I am vunerable.
Yet, looking back and in on myself, I realize that I could be the one whose changed and not Death Dealer at all.
=#=
Dealer of Death just called. He and Theseus are at odd ends. He may need a favour from me, and I will oblige. I will break here to wait for his return call, and to prepair myself for the favour.
A ride to his home is simple, the conversation won't.
-- He still hasn't called, it hasn't been long. I wish to use the time.
I may have changed, if so, am I worthy of being his friend. If not what do I do? I think to hastily, the hazard of an empty mind. I shall give it time and growth. alowing it to heal or die.
I wait, and will continue until a ring on my wall sounds. Untill then I have nothing to write about.
-- Nere forty moments past was the call, I am near instanity.
I wait for a call that doesn't come, I hear cars in the drive, lights on the shades. All in my imagination. I hear the phone ring only to realize it isn't. I stare at the phone, try to stay awake and wonder, Why?
Not why no call, but simply Why? Why life? Why love? Why care? Because I love. A paradox and a half.
Call Damn it Death Dealer! Let me know what you need or don't need.
5 moments passed. 15 I'll wait until I give in to my sleep. I was dressed and ready. and I ricieve no call as promised.
-- His time is up, his mother called. He is in to deep now.
-- He's called, I'm gone.
--- In less then 1Ø moments span I much writting to do.
--- Time 12:22am 831Ø.08
I am overjoyed for giving her a name. I knew she would soon need, or have to be, writen about. X has made her move, perhaps a very deadly and dangerous one for all concerend.
I still seem to be apart, detached, . alone, I write about this in persuit of Knowledge.
Death Dealer needed aid, in all sencerity he came to me. I am over-joyed.
Theseus has let his emotions run very high, he again has abandon logic in use of pure emotion.
X was the catalist, yet not the cause. As I see it @now all are to blame yet X has the biggest part.
Mother of Death is angered greatly, at what she dosen't know. Theseus is angered at Death Dealer by the emotion of Love and what he doesn't know. Death Dealer shook with anger because of Theseus anger, X's emotion and what else he knows. My mother is angered for fear of me and what she -doesn't know.
X, however seems quite happy, another clue to 'as I see it now.'
AS I SEE IT NOW.
Theseus and Death Dealer where friends. Theseus had a good thing going then boke it off - all the preceeding has been fact -
X move in on Death Dealer, Death Dealer knew no wrong for she was no longer Theseus'es. Theseus becomes extremly jelous and is now against Death Dealer.
Fault - All are to blame.
1. Theseus shouldn't have cut off X to start with (espeacily if feelings still existed)
2. Death Dealer shouldn't have allowed X to come close.
3. X shouldn't have move over, I begin to think she planed it this way.
4. Theseus should not have become so emotional over some-thing he relased long ago.

For the length of time I've known these two, they were always the best of friends - better than I with death Dealer, the bond has had longer to grow.
Also in this time I've seen a fourth come and go. First Dillinger, then 2 females I have no name for (they were there that long), then The artist who became the redundant.
The majority of those shun and cast out were female. I unfortunately see an ironic twist in here, that I must fear.

Time ticks on, tomorrow has come.
Sleep I must so rested can I be, to deal with the problems of three.
*Drawing of a man in a triangle trying to hold back the closing walls pushed by hands on all three sides.*

*As I see it Now. She was plying them off each other on purpose. I'm glad that eventually they both saw that and mended the friendship they had. her name still brings up the weirdest feelings in them.*

© March 1998 (copyright implied by date of entry, date covers web publication)