Book 2 June 9 1983 to December 12 1983

8309.01

'Burn!' yelled the Demon within me. His eldrich flames burst forth from inside and fried everything there.
I awoke to a burning stomach as the acids churned in my gut. I ran my usall routien, my legs burned and became stiff as my lungs heaved and burned into my throat. Then came school and my brain fell into the flaming pit.
My mind was lost and gone. I had nothing to function with. I heard but couldn't listen, I did simply the motions with no thought. I thought, then forgot.
I went to Death Dealers afterward, just now returning. Thesus was also present, I was not. I stood almost detached and observant. I soon was not there, and I didn't mind.
I watched them. Conversing with each other, testing each other, always testing. They passed each others test, I usally failed. I failed simply because I did not react. Yet my mind flashed many a violent vision.
The bow-pistol, not even mine yet, was prominat in these visions. So was the weapon, automoble.
Violence seared my tounge here, Violence rules my hand, Discust was my train of thought.
Something must be done, quickly.

8309.02 concidered

All is realitively well. School was school and no less, no more. Nothing truely sugnificant happened there unless you count the rambleings of the Idiot.
Death Dealer droped by and continues to be with me even now. I enjoy his company, he is my friend, my teacher, and more. He believes he will move soon. I wish he wouldn't, but if he does I shall miss him sorely.
We desided to do things. Anything. We then hoped upon the stallion of red and rode into the brite setting sun. There was a house we wished to see.
The journey was long and ambiguous. We may or may not have found this house. This house thow is concidered like no other. It is said to be haunted and the place of Satanic worshipings. Sacrifices are said to lie around rotting.
For some odd and unexplained reason, we wished to see this house. I only know my own thoughts, not those of Death Dealer. I know not even my own motives. But I wanted to go badly enough to lie to my creator (mother) and not think twice.
We returned, Death Dealer at the riens. We did not however return strait home. Went some-place old in my memory.
We placed ourselves on the sacred mound of earth and sky. Natures own church of glory and peace. Death Dealer and I finally agreed in a religous way. *I should note (because it's going to start showing up more) at this time Marc (Death Dealer - and (Brian) Thesus for that matter) was very Christian. Attending the Wesleyan church every Sunday and often going on Youth Group excursions. I, having already fallen from my Methodist upbringing and, claimed to be Agnostic to Atheist depending on my mood. Religion often became a debate and/or topic of discussion.*
We then proceeded home and here at my abode watched the tale of a living and continuing legend, Barbarosa, and the tale of unusall love, set in Summer at Greece.
I sit here now writing, Death Dealer in view. He writes, I know not what of, perhaps the same as I, perhaps not. But the look on his face, seems to tell me, that he has fallen back into his 'Deep blue funk.' It may be because of, a possoble uprooting, x the problems arising between he and Thesus caused by woman, or something~ else entirely.
I wish I could make him happy. But to make him thus would only bottle up his fustrations and cause an explosion. All I can do is show him my empathy and hope for his happiness.
Idea; My name is Marvin. I'm 16. I have a strait A average in school, except fo P.E.. I'm not athletic and don't realy care for sports. I'm a passifist and have never been in a fight, until this.
I jewel aplified my insides. My massive form arrives incased in glass when this bottle is broken, the Demon is free.
All my anger and violent feelings were bottled away to make this Demon. He reacts emotionaly but executes great thought. He is strong, agel, and magik. He uses phycological and violent destructive spells.
This Demon calls himself, Demon, Beast, or when calm, Calaban the beast master. I am restrained by Wiz and the others. I am an asset and a hinderance.
Whats worse is my mood effects the furicity of the beast, and his strengths.

Death Dealer is 'weary' he says so I wrap up to slumber.
Goodnight! DDK *skull insignia*

8309.03

The day started abruptly and very early. This happened with Death Dealers disappearance.
I then turned to Thesus. We throughly enjoyed the day.
Death Dealer found we watched movies here.
As Thesus and Death Dealer began to wrestle, laugh and make jokes, I realized several things.
It didn't bother me at all, the beast did nothing. Second, compared to there life, I'm dead.

8309.04

Tommorrow, I change. I will run a diferent way, a longer way.
Time is ticking on late, and I find myself saying nothing. My run will require rest. Goodnight.
Damon
. . D'artagnon
. . . . Killgrave~
. . . . . . . . . . . *skull insignia*

8309.05

Forgive me Death Dealer, for I spent the day with you and transgressed many stages.
I ran further and further from my problems that ever before. Yet I had no trouble with this extra distance. For some reason I was proud of this.
Then I sent trinkets, of paper and spice, a long way past for the future of a bow that sits in my hand. A weapon of fierce implecations.
As I was with you, Death Dealer, I sat and ate fire like the Beastly Dragon I was becoming.
We came to my home where were argued over petty and insugnificant believes. One you hold dear, one I do not. It makes no different to the characters we are.

My mind became dull as I went to your home. My mind raged, against my will, yet all was a placid pool, for unknown reasons.
I ran from you while you weren't there. I walked into nature, like a zombie. I triped over thorns and disturbes the wasps. I went on. *there was a 'forest' area behind Marc's house. It's a car lot, furniture showroom and apartment complex now :(*
I found and stood on a rock. I stood there and ... and did ... nothing. I simply staired into space, doing nothing thinking nothing, being nothing.
I returned and ate the stars. This made me mad. My mind raged more and more, I got calmer and calmer. I drifted further and further away. Until I simply left.
"Get away from me you, hairy-assed Moron!" is the thought ringing in my head. Yet I don't know who I'm yelling at. I see the images of everyone, yet its probibly myself I'm yelling at.
I didn't do much good today awake. Perhaps I can do bette now asleep. Even though the hour is very early. I will try to slumber.

To sooth a savage beast.
To have a friend.
Hopes of forgivness.
Thoughts of hate.
Where do they originate?
. . DDK *skull insignia*

8309.06

Away from have I been, style mine, eh?
Well back am I, in my all full glory!
On a black plain, sits I, staring endlessly on and outward. I then stand on the glassy ebony and look skyward as large black thunderhead clouds bellow forward.
Then from the darkness pitch opened a pair of sinister eyes, above my plain, below the clouds. The cat like pupils looked about then rested on my form.
From the darkness gleamed suddenly the sharp ravenous teeth of death. Human hands shot bluringly toward me from the darkness and siezed my form as the teeth laughed as a sinister demon would!
I can't shake lose of the iron grip as knives bombard my figure as the hands fly closer to the maw. Speeding ever faster into darkness and death, lightning strikes, thunder roars, and thoughts race.
Only one thing, one question, who is King of pain if I am the black winged gull with a broken back? Death Dealer, not - he is master of the weapons to deal death, not always pain. Thesus, not- he is an instrment fo pain, King is he not. Calm struggling Alien, not- he is an instrument of pain having been through so much himself. Indian in Balck, seeker of troubble, revivier of pain. I, not - I inflict pain upon myself King I am not. Die I did, in stupidity.

8309.07

'Here kitty-kitty-kitty!' said the rat cock as the bottom half of a female automation clanked by.
'Where am I?' I asked myself
'I don't know,' answered the place, 'Why don't you escape!'
'Escape what?' I asked the place.
'Escape here, sherlock.' it answered sarcasticly.
'Why escape from here? Its a nice place.' I observed as surreallisms floated by.
'But is it where you want to be?' it questioned back
'I don't know, Where am I?'
'I don't know,' answered the place, 'Why don't you escape!'
'We've been here before, have'nt we?'
'Been were before?' the place questioned
'Here.' I answered
'Wheres here?' rang the query.
'The place I stand now in present tense.' I stated.
'Oh, well then let me come over here, for there I am.' Where said.
'Who are you?' I asked inraged
'I am you, and you are me, and Me is no one in particular. Making you ...'
'Not!' I said as I poped out of existance, escaping here and then.
The place laughed mechanicaly, as I floated away to oblivion.
King of pain, I search for thee. This be only one step.

8309.08

I forged a chain, an ever contiuous chain. Linked unto itself in a vicious circle and a very part of my sole.
The Tan man was about today spreading visions in my mind. Ever sweet you were Tan man.
The Idiot walkes about in a fog of ignorance. He carries the light of imagination, intelligence and potencial but chose's, like the fool, to keep it dim.
He comes from the learning tree every day to grasp the learning key. He abuses the tree with his blade of dull ignorance, yet has no respite or sorrow. However, he fears to grasp the learning key for fear of damaging the shine.
The Idiot doesn't realize that the tree is the source of key and the key can't be harmed by him. Only the acts of a Bafoon could injure the key to himself. The Idiot is just that but he is no Bafoon. If he would only listen, and learn, he could Be. As it stands he is nothing and will continue to be such until he realizes himself to be human and competant with a slightly broader mind.
I venture to say, as it stands, his life will be miserable, and end in death, at his own hand and beliefe. I will not mourn then Idiot. I can't.

*Ever have a friend that considers you his best friend - even though you'd rather not hang around him at all? That is what the Idiot was. I was the only one that would talk to him. I did so because I saw in him a part of me. But the more I talked to him the more I found him to be incredibly narrow minded about even the most broad of subjects (who else could believe in extra-terrestrial life (a broad thing) but narrow it down to only being exactly like a science fiction movie he had seen? By the way, as far as a conspiracy minded individual about the government hiding the existence of Extra-terrestrials - Fox Moulder had nothing on this man.*

8309.09

Loki birthed was he, day on this. Having been a score and four of the cycle here.
In the dark abis I float, ideas coming to me as the music speaks.
Death Dealer calls, tomorrow he will have cake, but he can't eat it too.
Late it is, my body I'll try to leave. Sleep is next the dreams I hope. Goodnight Momma.

8309.11 supplementary make-up.

Oh, the battles were firece, and I became scared.
In the first I was another, a Thief named Balor. Balor the name of Demon. Raven black hair and eyes of blue, I treked through the ice and cold dressed in leather and furs. My compainion was Thesus in disguise, a hobbit of great skill.
We fell through the great Tundra and into a vast cavern. We walked and crawled through tunnels and into a very large room with an Ice Tiger.
I advanced and the beast attacked. A sword was drawn and whip cracked. The great cat only became angry. Balor already scared by a learning mark down his left eye, became mared with more such learning marks. The Tiger struck back as I did, his more deadly than mine. Four razor talons of four and a half inch length raked through my flesh as my hobbit friend rode bronco. First across my abdomen, then sholder and chest, and ending with my right leg. Then I struck back and slashed out the throat of the great cat with my bastard sword.
As the cat bleed I bandaged myself, then went to the cat. I took his claws and put them in the wounds I scored. Then I slumped to the floor and slept.
As this Thief dreamed I was awake. Thesus, Death Dealer and I were gathered around the areana. We began to talk, and subject lead to subject until it two against one on religions and beliefes.
As before when Balor, I felt backed into a corner by a fierocous cat. I didn't fight back but I did defend myself. I didn't wish to hurt my friends, or be hurt by them.
This battle went on for hours and into the new morning.
I felt defeated in purpose simply because it was my firends I was against. I felt alienated, alone, helpless. and This carried thru to the next battle.
We stoped this battle and moved on to the next. This battle Death Dealer and Thesus provoked, out-right, willing, and deliberately, yet was still unaware of the battle. I would not, could not alow them to know.
The Beast roared and only my world shook. Death Delaer and Thesus flamboyantly walked, pranced and flitted about laughing and giggling at there jokes about these actions. I, unfortunately, was the target of these asalts. They laughed because they thought they true, I laughed because I knew they were wrong.
The staff siting on its alter picked up the impulses and began to throb with power. I quickly siezed the power rod with my mind and forced it down to stagnation. The staff fought back and I was in a constant mental battle against it, Death Dealer and Thesus unknowingly aidding the staff and forcing me to battle them to save myself and all they hold dear.
I repeled them and there asalts and sent them into resting bliss as I kept the staff at the alter.
I felt like the Thief Balor during battle though, but then forced Balor to sliegh the great cat without becoming injured. Thus he was my aid, I couldn't have done it without him.

8309.11

Theres something out there, out there waiting for me in the woods. I know its terrifiying, and vengeful, waiting to kill me. I know all this from the way it calls in the night. That shrill, inhuman call. I know I'll have to face it someday too.
I'll have to face it alone. No one will be there to help me. Not Death Dealer, not Thesus, not the Indian in Black, not even the calm Struggling Alien or the idiot. I have to face that beast alone.
But not now. I'm safe now. I'm secure in my home, in my little locked rooms. Playing solitare, alone.
I look at the cards and see a King on top of a Jack, on top of a Queen. Why is the Queen on the Bottom? No one visits a Queen. The King handles the state, the Jack is next in line, the Queen dose ...?
She's a person, she has needs and wants, yet no one recognizes her. 'God save the King and forgive the Jack!' and please God, spare the Queen.
He stood and he called out in vain. He called out for love, and no one came!

Balor, you wreched thief. I've know you a day, and you seem to a part of me and my life.

8309.12

I steped out this mourn, out into the darkness of pre-dawn. I was met with a sprinkle, noise and light.
For the first time in ages it stormed as I ran! And I loved it!
Lightning flashed across the night sky and turned it to day. This crooked staff of infinet power flashed down from the heavens and every demon down.
Thunder was the echoess reply of the light. A powerful reply it was too. As the lightining struck thunder rolled across the skys like the foot steps of Giants.
The air tingeled as the two danced over the black clouds. Then they let lose the storm! Pain poured from the black chasm and pelted against my skin and stung my eyes. I yelled to the heavans for more, ever more!
I howled in delight and talked to the Tempest. 'Rage!' I yelled 'Give me more! Please!'
My wish was granted as it lasted through work, and the first 2 hours of school. But then it left, clouds and All.
Light the night sky my thunder baby Light it like that diamond in the sky.

8309.13

And two lanterns show in day and I droped it all for death. The heavenly stars were mine now and I keep them in containers to my sides.
The heated irons will be applyed soon to the darkness of night to reveal Death in a wreath of serpents, sabers and roses. Then the inner dragon appears and all shown.
Death Death *Dealer* gathered stars of all sizes and even captured the moon three times. He wears the three masters of battle on the night as he swings about his large sticks of black death, and awaits a staff of three sections.
One blow from my own untrained hands and I fell. The saber slashed my leg and jutted pain throughout my body, I greeted it all with laughter.
Darkness and music surrounded me so I went under and stayed in meditation for half and one hours. In meditation, which I have not done in months now, I realized my emotions or lack of one.
I tired to force this feeling upon me but was unsuccessful. I could not do one simple task for myself. I couldnot cry. I need to learn again, but not now. When next its needed.

8309.14

My hand has things to say, my mind doesnt. Since the mind controlls the hand is silent. Thus I end today to continue tomorrow.

8309.15

Death has been glued to darkness, the Dragon, ironicly, was burned away and forced into hiding.
Death Dealer was about Since morning and accompainied me to the home of my Mothers Mother's. There I recieved the call that unacplainabley made me very angry and caused rifts.
'Your mine!' yelled Dominator.
'I'm my own! You command me in the hours of Morning before school! Not after, Not Before!'
'Bah!' he growled.
'Nay to thee!' said my inside, 'If you ask me nicely", said I 'and repay me for services rendered', spoke Balor, 'I would gladly do thy sevices.' But you must listen to find Me!'
I turned to Death Dealer and the Beast roared, only for an instant, and to my surprise died, as I hoped onto the future horse and rode off with Death Dealer.
'Never have you riden a future horse?' asked Death Dealer. I confirmed saying the closest I've come to such is here with you and my own dreams.
'Not comparable.' said he, 'Here I'll let you ride.'
We stoped and we both got off. Death Dealer calmed the steed, help me on and handed me the riegnes with slight direction.
I started forward the horse of metal and glaring eyes. It galoped about and knew his master was not at the riegnes. As we turned about he buck me hard and fell like a stone!
My left hand and joint broke my fall and bleed freely for it. I was not hurt, yet no one believed these words.
I bandaged my small petty wounds and again siezed the riegns.
My left had controll. The horse ran and I was in controll.
Death Dealer was oh, so correct. The feelings were uncompairable.
I know now that my dreams will be true, I will have a horse of my own someday, and he will be made of sleek black metal.
Sleep is were I head now. This is were I go. To escape my scars, my battles, my fatigues and the antics of the idiot and others of his kind.
Damon
. D'artagnon
. . Killgrave *skull insignia*

*Ah, the first time I rode a motorcycle! First as a passenger - probably fighting an erection - and then with the help of Death Dealer yelling directions at me as I passed by. I still remember that field and the feeling that I was going to die because I had no idea what I was doing. That first fall scared everybody except me. I did eventually get a motorcycle ... sold it recently ... really miss it.*

8309.17

Key words, symbols and delusions of the last two days.
8309.16- Friends, thoughts, game, visions of blood and battle, cheers, pychological edge in battles of blood and pain, Freak, jerk, drunkered, Lost, Drunkered rambles on lost, I feel detached invisible and alone. There yet lost, detached, hysterical, Friends - fiends - acquantances - relative - drunk. Dionosion festival. Home, alone, detached, lost, late, oh, so late.
Sleep.
8309.17 - Starteled, jerk, quivering, Calm Struggling Alien. False hope, rude play, unnessesary, lost, detached, Lies, counter lies, lies of Balors trade but not his interest.
Fantasy - work, green, hot, loud, detached - Fantasy, false hope.
Read, call, Death Dealer, deeds arrival, hope, Balors thieving despicable deed, lies, Fantasy, lost detached.
Thesus, Death Dealer, Loki, Mother and Dominator - Flick, food - Battle!
Hide, detached, lost. Battles, deeds of violence, Balors tricks, Wounds open, pain, detached, further removed, /unconscious - Jester
Mustache, Water, pain, Light dark, Conversation - Women, smile in light - Drop - frown in the Dark. More of Balor - tomorrow Fantasy.

8309.18

My wounds lost there ache as Death Dealer, Thesus and I were happily vaulted into a fantasy past.
'Rebirth' cries the name, and reborn I was. We wandered about the fair, Warrior, Warrior, Gypsy.
I watched the people and enjoyed the sights. I watched as brazen bodys fought battles with weapons of old. I laughed at Jesters, and marveled in the crafts.
Two warriors and a gypsy sat quenching there thirst in the shade. Around the corner ran a youth of 5 or 6, there he froze and readyed a toy, a sword made of wood and paint. Then he ran away seeking solice in the crowd, peeking round the corner.
'Come here awhile, son' said Death Dealer in a kind tone.
The boy came over timid and draging the toy, and meekly said 'hi.'
'Nice sword' said Death Dealer 'May I?' he held out his hand, the boy smiled and handed him the prize.
'My name is Nathan, what's yours?' said the cheery boy. 'I'm Death Dealer, this is Thesus and my friend of many names, I call him Sensi.' The excited boy repeated the names and recieved back his sword. 'Is that one yours?!' he asked 'Yes' was Death Dealers reply. 'Would you like to see it?'
Nathan smiled wide as the saber was drawn and gleemed when he held it. 'Its heavy' he said and handed it back. Death Dealer agreed and resieved it.
'Nate!' came from the crowd, the boy said farwell and answered the call.
Then as walked back, hand in parents he said 'Look ma! Thats Death Dealer, Thesus and Sensi! They have these neato swords that they made and I know em all!'
Joy filled our hearts then we left the shade and vaulted home on my red stallion.

*The Renaissance Festival! Marc, Brian and I went. I still remember Nate. I still remember being embarrassed that Marc introduced me as Sensi (he introduced himself and Brian by their real names not as my nick-names). I also remember being very impressed as Nate repeated and remembered all three of our names. It was such a little joy to show him the swords Marc and Brian had made - but the light in his eyes! You would have thought it was his birthday.
The Renaissance Festival has always been a great time for me. I do believe this was my first.*

© March 1998 (copyright implied by date of entry, date covers web publication)